Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Gunlock Fan Fiction ❯ Enough is Enough ❯ Cloud Break ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all affiliates are owned by Kazuya Minekura. (^_^) Warning: Well…none yet… (^_^)

 

Cloud break

 

I sat down happily on a small tree stump just outside of the restaurant I worked for the day. I didn't think I could survive all the dishwashing and mopping but I did. See, I could survive without him. But as my thoughts travel back to him, back to that person I've successfully erased from my mind during all those chores, the meat bun in my hands suddenly didn't taste too good. But still I forced myself to eat the whole thing, knowing better than to waste what I've worked for. Besides, I'll need the strength and stamina for tomorrow's work.

 

I sighed as I continued to munch on the meat bun, knowing that Sanzo probably isn't thinking about me as of the moment. He's probably just smoking away on his pack of cigarettes, probably arguing with Gojyo or sleeping. It was starting to get cold too and all the more I felt lonely. During these nights, there was always Sanzo to warm me up, to tuck me in, place an arm around me and hold me close. Well, looks like I'll be sleeping out here in the cold.

 

After finishing my `dinner', I leaned back to watch the clouds passing overhead, thinking that maybe, just maybe, Sanzo was also looking at them and thinking about me. I watched the hazy blue blankets roll over lazily on the velvet backdrop, remembering that one night when Sanzo stood beside me by the window and held my hand as we watched them go by. It was one of those quiet nights we spent together, just being next to each other. It was enough for me to feel that I was important to him. But here I was watching them all by myself.

 

Gods, I have to stop thinking about how lonely I am. I'm going to go nuts thinking about that all the time.

 

But still I couldn't help it. I guess I was still going through some self-denial stage, thinking that this isn't happening to me. Every time we fought, we still made up after…in well, the most intimate possible way. But that wasn't the issue here. The thing is we still made up. Sometimes, he'd take the initiative. But most of the time, it was me. I stared forlornly at the now clear night sky. Why did it always have to rest on me? Why couldn't he put the same amount of effort into this relationship? So many questions, so little answers I seem to have for them.

 

I willed myself to sleep, hoping that it would be a dreamless one at that. I didn't want my every thoughts plagued by that arrogant man. But in the back of my head I knew, he'd be the one in my dreams…just like he has always been for the past years.

 

---

 

Sanzo can't seem to believe what he was doing at the moment. He wished he could wipe the amused smile off Hakkai's face and the smug stare he's been getting from Gojyo ever since he kicked him on the head and told him to load Hakuryu because they were going to find that stupid monkey.

 

“You're so cute, Sanzo-sama,” Gojyo had mumbled as he got up from the make-shift bed he was sharing with Hakkai. “But I hope you could've said this matter a little bit sooner.”

 

“Do you want to die so you wouldn't have to be packing up things?” He had asked as he cocked his gun and stared angrily at the red-head. Only Hakkai could afford a laugh at such a tension-filled conversation.

 

“It is better late than never, as they always say,” the brunette had said with a raised finger, as if reciting some dictum from a bible. “I just hope that nothing bad has happened to Goku. You know he weak he gets when he's too hungry.”

 

“Yeah,” Gojyo agreed. “Remember the time when he fought with the brain-washed Kougaiji? Nearly killed him too you know.”

 

Sanzo could feel a vein popping out of his head, the mere hint of trying to make him feel guilty was irritating but what they were trying to do was pushing him to the limits. But he deserves it right? He did drive Goku out. And honestly, he was scared to death thinking about what could've happened to his charge.

 

“I do hope that I won't have to heal Goku when we get to him,” Hakkai stated almost as loud as he could. “Remember the time when he was so badly wounded that he couldn't get out of bed for almost two whole days?”

 

“Yeah, I think it had something to do with shielding the great Sanzo houshi from a rain of arrows, right?”

 

“URUSAI!” Sanzo shouted at the top of his lungs and brandished his harisen around, hitting the red-head on squarely on the top of his head. “Another word from any of you and I'll kill you!”

 

The trip back to town was filled with noiseless snickers and meaningful glances at the simmering blond. Sanzo did his best to ignore them both but if he did so, his thoughts would lead him back to the smiling teenage boy with a muse of chocolate brown hair on top of his hard skull, the boy he had promised never to leave.

 

If anything happened to Goku, he'd never be able to forgive himself. How stupid he was to let him go like that. Hadn't he learned from the countless of times he almost lost the boy? Obviously, the answer would be no because he still commits the same stupid mistake over and over again. He'll need to have a long serious talk with Goku, something he hadn't done for a long time. He knew he waited too long to talk with Goku, had he continued with his plan the other night to talk with Goku then their argument wouldn't have escalated to such heights and wouldn't have led to such a situation.

 

He had forgotten what they had fought but he didn't forget how he lost his temper. It had something to do about how Goku was being inconsiderate by going to bed without washing his hands. He didn't want to get all sticky and smelly underneath the sheets and especially if they'd have to do some…things. He had first told Goku to take a bath first something the monkey had taken as an amorous advance to take a shower together.

 

Don't be such an old fuss, Sanzo, it's just a shower. It's not like we haven't done it before.

 

He didn't know why he had gotten so pissed at that comment but next thing he knew he had told Goku that he was such a maniac when it came to sex. The look on Goku's face caused his stomach to double over. There was unmistakable pain, disbelief and outright protest on his childish features. He had wanted to apologize, wanting to explain that it was a joke gone bad but his stubborn side didn't want to concede. And so he held his ground and the more ground he gained, the more pain and anger seeped into the words Goku had dropped. He felt both triumph and defeat when the boy had made his exit out of the room to sleep in the receiving lounge.

 

He was the one who had been inconsiderate, no matter which side he looked at. He was the one being selfish whenever he'd replay all their arguments in his mind. He was the one who had failed to give everything into the relationship they had tried to form between them. He had held back his emotions, had been too afraid to show Goku his true feelings, had been too scared to open up again. He had allowed his walls to crumble down but he had quickly built them up again when he had the chance, locking Goku out of his heart. He knew better than to do that especially when he had promised Goku so much. The boy had hoped, had believed for crying out loud and here he was breaking the innocent child's heart into a million pieces all because he was afraid of committing himself entirely to the boy. He was still afraid that if he had loved again, he'd only end up losing that person again, just like before.

 

Hold me like what you did back in the forest, Sanzo…Hold me…

 

Sanzo had to choke back a sob when he remembered those feeble words. Those words brought back such sweet memories, such gentle caresses that it was too painful to remember. When he finds Goku, he'll hold him and will never make the same mistake of letting him go. To hell with what Hakkai and Gojyo will say, to hell with what the Gods would think. He was doing this for him and for Goku, no one else.

 

To Be Continued…