Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ A Simple Kiss ❯ Cigarettes and Headaches ( Chapter 7 )

Title: A Simple Kiss - Chapter 7: Cigarettes and Headaches

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Sanzo stared out the window, glaring at his reflection. Hakkai had just left for dinner, leaving him alone. Sanzo's fingers tightened automatically on the cigarette pack in his hand. His mood had steadily worsened over the past days, and he was even starting to annoy himself, ludicrous as that was. He just couldn't shake his confusion about Goku, and knowing that the young man was affecting him this badly made his irritation worse. He hadn't been able to sleep since he had awoken to Goku's absence. No matter how much he tried to relax and shut his mind down, he wasn't able to shake the feeling of coldness, of missing the boy's warm body lying next to him. Even when he tried to nap in the jeep, the summer heat and Goku's nearness weren't enough to warm him, and he shivered every time he closed his eyes. He hadn't needed anyone else in a long time, so why now? Why was his long held policy of non-attachment failing him?

It pissed him off. It was bad enough that things had gotten out of his control two nights ago, now the same weakness was depriving him of sleep. He couldn't help but think of it as a weakness, this strong wave of emotion that surged through him whenever he thought about Goku. The events that had transpired forced him to feel things, forced him to recognize that he cared about the boy despite himself. He hated that he was continually drawn to Goku, hated that he could sense where the boy was most of the time; and when he couldn't, he hated the panic that whipped through him until he knew where he was. He was angry with Goku for making him feel this way, though he knew it wasn't the boy's fault. He felt guilty about it, and the guilt made him feel angrier still.

He reached for another cigarette, scowling at it as he realized it was the last one of his second pack of the night. He only had one pack left, then he would have to go down to the kitchen store to buy more. He could send Hakkai, but the man had brought him these packs, and he didn't want to deal with annoying questions about why he had gone through them so quickly. Later, when Hakkai had come back from dinner, he would go down. Less chance of running into anyone that way. Sanzo applied flame to the tip of the cigarette in his mouth. He inhaled deeply, holding the smoke in for as long as he could. He tilted his head back and exhaled slowly, creating a white cloud in front of him, and as the smoke dissipated into the darkness, he felt his anger dissipate as well. He closed his eyes and sighed, letting fatigue wash over him.

He'd had a chance to clean it all up last night, when Goku had reached out to him as he sat beside the jeep on watch. He could have accepted the caress, returned it, but that would have confirmed the previous night's actions. It would have opened himself to too much possible hurt. At the same time, he couldn't bring himself to drive the boy away, convincing him with blows and angry words that this was stupid and just to forget about it. He knew that would break Goku's heart, and he found he couldn't do that. Some insolent part of his mind interrupted then, taunting him that it wasn't only the boy's heart he would break with such an action. He silenced that voice quickly, refusing to accept what that meant. Those were not his feelings for the boy, he told himself firmly. Sure, in a moment of weakness he had told Goku that he needed him, but that hadn't been what he'd meant. Had it? He had been Goku's guardian for years; of course he had come to care about him. Perhaps he had even come to need him as a friend needs a good friend. Goku could have interpreted his statement that way, couldn't he? Again, that annoying voice spoke up, reminding him that he had not meant it in a 'friendly' way when he'd said it. Sanzo's anger at himself resurfaced.

He tried to turn it off, to think things through without the red haze of anger clouding his mind. He was partially successful. Instead of a red haze, he fell into a golden-tinted dream state. He saw them both as they had been a few nights ago, his hands trapping the boy he had backed into a wall. He heard himself telling Goku he needed him. He felt the young man draw his hands up his arms, caressing him lightly. He shivered as he again felt the fire that Goku's touch created. The image seemed to fast-forward then, blurring together sights, feelings, and emotions, building up to such an intensity that he had to force his eyes open, unable to take it anymore. His body felt cramped and sore, as if he had fallen asleep in his sitting position.

* * * * * *

Sanzo was almost relieved when the door opened and Hakkai slipped in. He wasn't looking for company, but he didn't relish being alone with his thoughts. At least when someone was around he was better able to control his mind. The youkai didn't say anything as he set a tray down on the small table against the wall. Sanzo continued to stare out the window, ignoring Hakkai as he puttered around the room, eventually sitting down on his bed with a book. The other man didn't start reading though, just sat there, occasionally glancing at Sanzo. Pretending he was oblivious to Hakkai's looks, Sanzo did nothing. As the smell of food filled the air, Sanzo realized he was actually hungry, and finally moved towards the table. Hakkai looked at him, but again said nothing as he sat down.

It wasn't until Sanzo was halfway done with his meal that the other man's silence got to him. "Alright already. What?" he growled.

Hakkai looked at him for a minute before replying, "Enjoying your dinner?"

Sanzo frowned at him. "That all you have to say?"

Hakkai didn't flinch away from the look, just continued to stare calmly back at him. "Goku didn't come down either. He said he wasn't hungry."

He supposed that should surprise him, but it didn't, so he said nothing. He knew why. As Hakkai had said before 'Sanzo, you're the only person that could have gotten Goku that depressed.'

There was a long pause as Sanzo continued to eat, Hakkai watching him expectantly. Sanzo narrowed his eyes. He did not want to talk about this, not even with Hakkai. "I told you it doesn't concern you." He knew he was being irrationally harsh, but he didn't care.

Hakkai spoke without anger. "It does concern me when it affects all of us. Poor Goku is miserable, and you are making things really hard on both Gojyo and me."

Like he cared if Gojyo was finding things difficult. Too bad. "And I'm supposed to care? Why?"

"Because we're friends. And we're concerned about you."

"You don't need to be. I'm fine."

Hakkai quirked an eyebrow at him. "I can tell. That's why you haven't slept in two days."

Sanzo's barely suppressed anger flared. "Damn it. I do not want to talk about this!"

"I think you need to. Do you really want to see this problem continue?"

"You just won't take a fucking hint, will you?" He pulled his gun and pointed it at Hakkai. "I said I don't want to talk about this."

"Put that down. You can cow Gojyo and Goku that way, but we both know you aren't going to shoot me. You haven't even cocked it."

Sanzo was tempted to cock the gun and fire a warning shot past Hakkai's head, but he knew the other man was right. If it had been Gojyo, he wouldn't have hesitated, but he couldn't shoot Hakkai. He slowly placed the gun on the table, keeping it out in the hopes that it would serve as a deterrent. He should have known it wouldn't work.

"Thank you. Now," Hakkai spoke kindly, but steel glinted in those green eyes, "please talk to me."

Sanzo remained silent, hoping Hakkai would let it drop. The youkai let the silence stretch out for several minutes before speaking. "Sanzo…"

"What the fuck do you want from me, Hakkai?" He was really irritated now.

"Just honesty. I know you're bothered by something. What happened?"

Suddenly uncomfortable, Sanzo got up and headed towards the door, looking for an easy way out of this conversation. He was only halfway there before Hakkai was in front of him, locking the door and leaning against it. "No, I'm not letting you go until you talk to me."

He growled at Hakkai. The man was the only one who ever dared stand up to him like this.

Hakkai was unperturbed. "I've got all night. So you can talk now, or we can wait until you've run out of cigarettes and want more." He waved a hand towards the last pack on the table. "Somehow I don't think that will take long."

Sanzo stubbornly refused to meet his eyes and stomped over to the table, snatching up the pack and angrily pulling out a cigarette. He lit it and slumped back into his chair. He smoked furiously, lighting another as soon as his first was done. "Fine. What the hell do you want to know?"

"What do you want to tell me?"

Sanzo snorted mirthlessly. "Nothing. I've already told you that."

Hakkai returned to the table, sitting across from him again. He waited for Sanzo to speak, but when there was only silence, he asked, "Is all this related to the… kiss I saw in the inn two nights ago? Or did something more happen?"

For a second Sanzo was speechless, the direct question throwing him. "That's none of your business." Frustration showed in Hakkai's eyes for a moment, but it was gone as soon as Sanzo noticed it. The monk felt a perverse sense of pleasure that Hakkai wasn't enjoying this any more than he was.

"I thought we were friends. Maybe you define friendship differently than I, but I think helping my friends is my business. Let me help you."

"You can help by leaving me alone." Sanzo took a long drag off his cigarette, then lit another.

"I'm Goku's friend too. How does leaving you alone help him?"

"And how exactly does bugging the shit out of me help him?"

Hakkai frowned at him. "I was hoping you would listen to reason and we could smooth this out between you."

"Ch' Listen to what reason? I suppose you want me to go sobbing over to his room and plead with him to forgive me for my angry ways?" He was being irrational again.

Hakkai's words were tinged with frustration. "You know that's not what I'm saying. I don't even know what happened. You won't tell me! Instead you insist on keeping it all to yourself."

"I've done just fine by myself for years. I don't see why it should fucking change now."

"And that's your problem, isn't it? That's why you're pushing Goku away. Because you don't need him or any of us." Hakkai's anger was rising now.

"That's right. I don't need any of you. The only reason you're here in the first place is because you were ordered to be here. Don't deny it! This isn't some half-baked field trip. This is a life or death journey. And whether that journey ends with four or with less, it doesn't matter as long as the deed is done." Sanzo felt less angry than he did strangely detached. Too many hours without sleep were weighing heavily on him.

Hakkai stood up swiftly. "And you're okay with that? 'Whoops, sorry you died here while trying to save the world. Good thing nobody cared much about you.' As far as I'm concerned that's wrong. We may have been forced to be here in the beginning, but that has long since changed. At least for the rest of us. I don't know why you're so much in denial that you refuse to see it. We all need each other now."

Sanzo stared at him coldly. "So much for 'the only side I'm on is my own,' huh? That disappeared pretty fucking quickly."

Hakkai leaned towards him, green eyes locking with his. "Since when do those two things have to be exclusive? We all are on our own side. But when those sides correspond, it makes the journey easier."

"You three can be as buddy-buddy as you want. Just don't expect me to care when that concern gets you hurt." Even as he said it, Sanzo knew this was a lie.

"You didn't seem so casual about it when Goku saved your life!"

Sanzo jerked back, stung.

Hakkai instantly calmed and sat back down. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

Wanting to get away, Sanzo moved to his previous seat by the window, taking his cigarettes and the ashtray with him. He stared at his reflection angrily. That last comment had hit too close to the mark. He could deny it as many times as he wanted, but the truth was staring him in the face. He had come to think of them all as friends. He had come to rely on them to watch his back, and even for companionship. That much he could admit to himself. And Goku… He refused to think about what Goku meant to him.

They sat in silence for a long time, as Sanzo worked his way through his third pack. He knew Hakkai was watching as he lit each cigarette off the previous one.

The man finally broke the silence by sighing. "Look Sanzo, you never chain smoke like this unless something is bothering you badly. I thought you knew you could come to me about anything. You have been there through some of the most difficult points of my life. Why can't you talk to me about this?"

"I can't. Not now. Maybe after this is over, but not now." His stubborn pride would not let him rely on anyone else for help. And hell, how could he explain to Hakkai what he himself didn't understand?

"Fine. When you want to talk, I'll be here. I can't force you to let me help you. If you want to wallow in self-pity and recriminations, so be it." Hakkai got up from the table and lay down on his bed, his back to Sanzo.

Strangely, Hakkai's withdrawal made Sanzo feel hollow and shaky. Was that what he was doing? Drowning himself in pity over his previous loss and his confusion now? Dragging the rest of them down with him? He stared at the man's back, struggling with his discomfort. He hadn't meant to make Hakkai mad, just to make him stop pushing. Hakkai was always so calm; if he had gotten irritated that easily, it must mean that things were pretty bad. Sanzo sighed, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. He wasn't sure how long he sat there thinking about their conversation, but he suddenly realized that Hakkai's breathing had slowed to the rhythm of sleep. Still upset by it all, he shook the pack to get another cigarette, and was dismayed to find it empty. It was going to be another long night; he would have to go for more. Hakkai didn't move as he stood up and walked out.

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He stopped at the door across the hall, listening. Hearing nothing, he assumed Gojyo and Goku were asleep. It was late, and they knew he would want to be up early. Feeling oddly sentimental, he wondered how the saru was sleeping, but stopped that train of thought before it could go any further. Craving the comfort of another cigarette, he headed down the hall, but hadn't gone far before he heard familiar laughter downstairs.

He paused at the top of the stairs, freezing as Goku and Gojyo came into view and their laughter died. He watched as the boy froze on the bottom step for a moment, then shook himself back into movement when Gojyo looked at him. Sanzo could only stare as Goku climbed towards him, stopping when he reached the top.

"Hey Sanzo. You're up late."

Unprepared to see Goku acting so normal, and still shaken after his confrontation with Hakkai, Sanzo felt as if he was swimming through molasses, every movement a struggle. He scowled as Goku told him they had been raiding the kitchen, frustrated that they would have to delay their departure the next morning to settle things with the innkeeper. The normalcy of his irritation was almost as comforting as a cigarette.

The irritation faded slightly when Goku told him they had written everything down, surprised that the two possessed that much forethought. He looked at Goku, watching him carefully. The saru was acting like nothing was wrong, but he was showing telltale signs of his nervousness. His hands twisted around the bowl he was carrying, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot. Sanzo felt himself being scrutinized as well, and wondered what the young man was reading from him.

He was startled when Gojyo handed him the carton of cigarettes he had been wanting, but his attention quickly snapped back to Goku. The boy looked even more nervous, and quickly blurted out, "I thought you might need them… Want some fruit?" With his words he pushed the bowl towards Sanzo.

Sanzo didn't, and was about to reply as such when he realized he had already reached out and picked up an orange. Perplexed as to why he had taken it, he didn't realize he had brushed Goku's hand until the young man grabbed him, giving his hand a quick squeeze. At the simple contact, Sanzo started, and his eyes jumped back to lock with Goku's again. The young man's gentle smile was reflected in the golden depths, hypnotizing Sanzo. He heard Goku tell him goodnight, but it wasn't until the door shut behind him and Gojyo that Sanzo found he could move again. He stared at the door, his pulse pounding in his ears. He was shaking. How could Goku be so… casual about this? He strode into his room, shutting the door quickly and leaning against it.

Hakkai looked up at his abrupt entrance, and Sanzo saw the youkai's eyes widen as he took in his appearance. He knew what he must look like. His breathing was shallow, hands holding both orange and cigarettes trembling. He pushed away from the door and somehow made it to the table, collapsing into his seat and setting his head in his hands. Hakkai was beside him in a flash. "Sanzo, are you okay? You're so pale. What happened?"

Sanzo opened his mouth to order him away, but what spilled out was not what he meant to say. "What you saw the other night in the inn… That was just the beginning. We… Goku and I… we ran into each other…and… things continued…" He trailed off, finally able to stop himself.

Obviously not expecting the confession, Hakkai stared at him for a moment, fumbling with his chair as he tried to sit down without removing his eyes from Sanzo. Finally seated, he smiled slightly, encouraging the other to go on.

Sanzo didn't think he could, and kept his silence. The moment stretched on, and as the seconds ticked by, he felt like he had to say something. "Isn't that enough for you?" He tried, unsuccessfully, to regain his composure.

Hakkai patted Sanzo's shoulder gently. "If that's all you want to tell me, that's fine."

The lack of pressure and the comforting touch loosened his tongue again. "We… we ended up… taking things a lot further than we meant to… You wanted to know what happened, now you know."

Hakkai smiled to himself "That's about what I expected."

Sanzo still didn't lift his head. "That's all you have to say?"

"How do you feel about this?"

Sanzo groaned and finally sat up, rubbing his neck. "Do you think if I knew the answer to that I would be in this mess?"

Hakkai quirked an eyebrow at him. "You don't know how you feel about it?"

"Yes…no… I don't know. It was… good. Very good. Great, in fact. Call it what you want, emotion, lust, whatever, still…" He trailed off.

"It changes things."

"Yes. I don't know if I want a change like that. I'm supposed to be his guardian, damn it. I'm not supposed to be taking advantage of his misplaced affection."

Hakkai smiled slightly. "Is his affection really misplaced? And how are you taking advantage of something he's obviously willing to give?"

"I can't give him what he wants, Hakkai. There was so much longing in his eyes that night. He asks too much. I can't do it. I can't open myself to that kind of pain again"

"You don't think the benefits of being with him could outweigh the risks involved?… Would being with him make you happy, Sanzo?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure I even know what that kind of happy feels like." Sanzo reached for the carton of cigarettes and tore it open with still trembling hands. Hakkai reached over him and pulled out a pack, tapping out a cigarette and handing it to him. "Thanks." He lit the cigarette and took a deep drag. "And what about Goku? Does he have any idea what this could mean? Is he ready for it?"

Hakkai smiled again. "He's more ready than you think. His affections for you have been obvious for a while. He's probably more concerned about how you feel about all this."

"I know." Sanzo rubbed his forehead with his free hand. "Damn, this is giving me one hell of a headache." He was silent for a long moment. "I don't want to hurt him… or to destroy his innocence. I don't want to ruin the relationship we already have."

A frown appeared on Hakkai's face. "He's not a child, Sanzo. He's grown up a lot since you brought him down from the mountain. He's old enough to know what he wants. His innocence may make him seem young, but he's only a little younger than the rest of us. And you know that. I don't think you would have let yourself get carried away if you didn't."

"Maybe. But allowing myself to accept that makes me feel…" He wasn't sure what to say.

"Feel like this isn't such a bad idea after all?" Hakkai finished for him.

Sanzo met the man's eyes, his voice harsh. "I can't do that, Hakkai. I can't let this happen."

"Why not? What good will come out of denying yourself?"

"It's not the good I'm worried about." Sanzo took another drag, absently rubbing his temples. "Gods, I'm tired."

Hakkai glanced out the window. "It's pretty late. We should be getting to bed if we're going to get an early start."

Sanzo nodded, wanting nothing more than to escape into dreamless sleep. He got up slowly, taking one last drag before putting his cigarette out. As they both headed towards their beds, Hakkai paused.

"Do you care for him?"

"I've been his guardian for years. How could I not have come to care for him?"

"And as more than his guardian?"

Sanzo said nothing for a long time, shrugging down the shoulders of his robe and trying to get comfortable in bed. When he finally answered, it was quiet and thoughtful.

"Yes."

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A/N: 'A Simple Kiss' broke 100 reviews! Yeah! *hands out chocolate cake and ice cream to all the wonderful reviewers and readers* Thank you all so much. Your comments and enthusiasm are incredibly inspiring. This story has become much more than I ever thought it would be, and it's all thanks to you.

Thanks, stitcher2ficcer.

bleedformeee: You can't tell me that enough. I'm not sure this chapter was exactly sweet, but that's Sanzo for you.

Zek Majiri: Your feedback is always welcomed, so never think it's redundant. I want to know you are still enjoying this!

Pervasive Threnody: Unless my situation changes, I plan to try to update every weekend. (As long as our Saiyuki bishies don't give me any problems). I'm glad you enjoyed the Goku/Gojyo conversation.

Am1-13th: Thanks! I appreciate the compliment. I hope I can keep you speechless.

mabaroshi16: *bows for applause* Thank you. Gojyo was fun to write, and Goku is always fun!

Forsaken^On3: Back to more angst for this chapter, but don't worry. The next chapter is pure fun!

Eclipse45: Welcome to my story, and I'm glad you are enjoying it. I'm working hard to keep the guys IC, so I'm glad you think it's working. Here's a little dose of Hakkai for you, and the next chapter is from his POV, so I hope you enjoy it.

dragon keeper: I always like to mention all my reviewers, I wouldn't be here without you! I'm happy you are enjoying my story. Sorry, it's going to take a few more chapters than that for things to work out, but hang in there, their relationship is slowly changing.

Genki-Saru: I'm glad you like this. You'll have to wait and see what happens.

dream-eater-is-hungry: Gojyo makes a great big brother. He can be really sweet when he wants to.

Silver on the Tree: That's my favorite line from that chapter. I'm glad you reviewed, hope you enjoyed this chapter as well.

Merf: Thanks!

Callie: I agree with you. Gojyo does get misrepresented sometimes. I like him much better like this. Goku has some surprises for all of them, just wait.

Bakasaru Boi: I'd like to have a big brother like him too. I'm glad you liked it. Lots of people like oranges, so I thought Sanzo might as well.

Yoyo: I hope you get a new computer soon. It sucks to have to be out of touch. I really appreciate you saying this is your favorite!

Mitsko: Thanks! I try.

AznSage: Thank you for your honest and thoughtful review. I'm glad you liked the traveling part. I was a little worried about writing that well, and I think it came out pretty good. I hope I can keep this interesting for you.

Lyss: Sanzo can be really difficult, but he's just so wonderful when I can get him nailed down. Hope this chapter satisfied you as well.

ChibiLoner: Another convert to the Sanzo/Goku pairing! Welcome to the club.

SnakeMistress: Definitely more angst coming. About more? I'm not telling J

Me-Nuriko: Glad you liked it. Our mutual friend said we are bad influences on her, keeping her from doing any real work with our writing. Here's to many more hours of her enjoyment!

SwitchVale: Don't worry, this isn't the end. Goku isn't done fighting yet.

Rinslet: Hope this was soon enough for you. Welcome!

Kristen: Thanks!