Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ None So Blind ❯ Chapter 1

RATING: NC-17; Gojyo/Hakkai/Sanzo, Goku/Sanzo. If m/m interaction bothers you, pass this by.
SPOILERS: "A Guide to the Nether World," "Where the Gods Are," "Unnatural Talismanic Monk," "A Twilight Farewell," "The Laughing Grim Reaper," "The Scarlet Curse," and "Hymn for the Living."
FEEDBACK: can be sent to Viridian5@aol.com
DISCLAIMERS: All things Saiyuki belong to Kazuya Minekura/Epix, Saiyuki Project, TV Tokyo, and A.D. Vision, Inc. No infringement intended.
NOTES: Thanks to the LJ readers for feedback and encouragement.
I've mixed a bit of the manga stuff in here--like how Kanzeon Bosatsu is a hermaphrodite--but this is mostly anime-based.

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"None So Blind"
By Viridian5
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His head pounding, Sanzo awoke in total darkness. When he tried to sit up, gentle but firm hands kept him lying down as Hakkai said, "I did too much work on you to let you ruin it this way. It's good to have you back with us, Sanzo."

It annoyed Sanzo that he couldn't see Hakkai or any of the rest of them. No, it was just Hakkai here, because he would hear Goku and Gojyo even if he couldn't see them. "How long?" He remembered the battle now: an ordinary fight against ordinary youkai, he and his band efficiently dispatching them as usual, then darkness.

"Two days. We've been taking turns keeping watch."

Sanzo knocked Hakkai's hands away. "What happened?"

"You were struck from behind. You had a head injury as a result." Hakkai used his light, bullshitting voice. Something was wrong.

"What aren't you telling me? How bad was it?"

"Head injuries are chancy things even with my healing. I'm glad that your memories and reason appear to be intact."

Sanzo could hear a "but" coming. Then it hit him. "It's not dark in this room, is it?"

"No, Sanzo," Hakkai replied quietly.

Blind. He was fucking blind now. Helpless, weak.... .

"Now that I know that you're blind," Hakkai said quickly, "I may be able to heal it. There was so much damage that I tended what looked worse first." Then he made a small sound. He probably hadn't intended to reveal that much. "It's two days later, so I have my energy back."

It was two days later, so whatever had gone wrong had time to get worse, but Sanzo didn't bother saying that. "Try it."

He felt Hakkai's hands settle at his temples, warm and a little sweaty, and smelled plain soap. The flow of healing chi felt like intense sunlight but didn't lighten the darkness, yet Sanzo said nothing, giving it time to work. The energy pouring into him made him feel restless and nearly itchy, yet he stayed still and listened to Hakkai's harsh breathing.

"I can't... can't find it. Can't fix it." He sounded tired as he took his hands away, leaving the skin they'd rested on feeling suddenly cold. "There's swelling still, but that needs time to subside. It may be that as the swelling eases your sight might return."

"Or it might not." Sanzo had to get himself used to that idea fast. Hope was too painful. "Internal swelling. How bad was that head wound? Don't lie to me."

"Sanzo--"

"You do me no favors by lying to me."

"It was... very bad. The blow had put a hole in your skull, leading to internal bleeding and swelling. There were bone splinters in the wound that I had to clear away.... I had to create another hole to evacuate the expanding hematoma and relieve the compression of your brain." Hakkai sounded almost defiant, as if he thought to punish Sanzo for demanding to know. "Gojyo and I made sure that Goku didn't see you at your worst."

Sanzo could imagine Goku's reaction to seeing him lying facedown on the ground with a deep, bloody head wound or watching Hakkai drill another hole in his skull. Goku's limiter diadem had shattered while he was under severe emotional stress before.

The thought of what Hakkai must have done to his skull disgusted him, but at least he was alive to be disgusted. Sanzo put his hands up to his head to try to find the wound and jumped as Hakkai took his right hand and lightly put it near a large bandage at the back of his head. "Let go of me." What, did Hakkai think he had the right to touch him without permission now that he was disabled? The bandage prevented him from getting any conception of the size of the wound.

Hakkai stopped infringing on his space but said, "You're fortunate to be alive."

"Yeah." He felt really fucking fortunate right now.

"Even if the blindness is permanent, you can still lead a productive life. I'm nearly half-blind, and it doesn't hold me back."

"You did that to yourself."

Hakkai laughed a little. "Yes, but at the time I didn't think I'd live much longer." Perhaps he realized that he hadn't helped himself or Sanzo with that, because he made a small sound of dismay, then said, "There are people more powerful than I am that we might appeal to."

Sanzo snorted. "Se might help me if it didn't amuse hir more to keep me blind. What do you think se'd find more entertaining?" He could imagine hir laughing hir divine ass off as they spoke. Kanzeon was merciful only in title.

"We will get through this."

We? He was the only one who'd been blinded. He would have to get through this. "Leave, Hakkai."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

Disarmed and blind, he received no respect. "I need to think. I can't do that with you somewhere in the room when I can't fucking see you." He could hear and feel Hakkai in the room but not well enough to get a fix on his location, so it only distracted him.

Hakkai took in a breath, and Sanzo wondered if Hakkai still bothered to smile when no one could see him. Finally, he said, "All right, Sanzo, but I'll be next door. Yell if you need anything." A hint of humor crept into his voice at the last sentence, since everyone knew how well Sanzo could yell.

Sanzo heard the door open and close. After waiting a few minutes, he said, "This time, you're really going to leave." He could still hear the bastard breathing.

Hakkai made a small sound, then said, "Of course. Yes." This time he actually left the room.

Sanzo sat up carefully, fighting the dizziness, and just as carefully turned to put his bare feet on the floor. From the feel of things, he wore only his jeans. Aside from the chakra mark on his forehead, there was no clue to anyone looking at him of what he was. Surely his gang of idiots had left his things in the room with him. After putting his hands on the edge of the bed, he stood. On his first step he barked his toe on something and cursed quietly, not wanting Hakkai next door to realize that he'd gotten up. Groping outward, he found a chair that Hakkai must have sat on while watching him.

Sanzo had no idea how large this room was or where anything in it was. Concentrating hard, he put his arms out and started to slowly walk. From how worn the carpet felt beneath his feet, it might be a small room in a shitty inn, but he couldn't assume. He couldn't assume anything anymore.

By the time he found the table with his belongings on it, his head spun and he could feel sweat beading down his skin. His rolled-up sutra felt warm and vaguely alive beneath his fingertips. At least those bastard youkai hadn't gotten away with that too. He snarled when he touched his reading glasses. The small, cool rectangular shape had to be his lighter. His gun felt cool as well. Usually both were warm from use and his body heat. Two days.... He found his cigarettes and a box of bullets next. Pulling out a cigarette and flicking the lighter open to get a light proved to be no problem, but he couldn't actually connect flame with cigarette correctly, burning his fingers as he tried. Damn it. He didn't want to go on living if he needed someone to fucking give him a light every time.

After ruining two cigarettes, one of them by lighting the wrong damned end, he finally got the third one lit. The smoke felt so good as he drew it in and out. He let the cigarette dangle from his lower lip as he reloaded his gun, taking only a little longer to do it than usual. After so many years with the Smith & Wesson, he didn't really need to see it to do this. His body knew.

He set its length against the side of his face, comforted by its familiar shape and feel and the smell of metal and gunpowder. It slowly warmed against his skin.

When the monks had given the 13-year-old, newly named Genjo Sanzo a choice of weapons to take with him on his mission to retrieve his murdered master's sutra and get justice, he'd chosen this gun. It might not be as obviously impressive as the various blades he'd seen, but he had been able to handle it easily and hide it when necessary, something he couldn't say for those other weapons.

He'd also known that he could blow his own head off with it if he had to.

After the various beatings and wounds he'd taken over the years, he shouldn't be so surprised that fate had at last dealt him something this serious. This was the path he'd taken. And life sucked.

He wanted to go back to bed and wallow in his misery. After everything he'd seen and been through, didn't he deserve a rest from fighting just to keep going? Simply walking around a small room and lighting a cigarette had left him exhausted and demoralized. If his sight didn't return, he'd have to reorient himself for the rest of his life. How could he do his mission to the west while disabled?

Yet... how could he not? His own sutra was still here. Gyumaoh's minions still worked to free the demon king, and they still had Sanzo's master's sutra. The minus wave continued to keep youkai in a state of homicidal insanity. These things would persist whether Sanzo remained blind or not. If he let one asshole youkai's act turn him aside, he was admitting defeat.

His master had told him to be strong, and he knew that he was not strong. Being injured so stupidly like this proved it.

But that didn't mean that he had to be weak.

The others would probably think him insane to want to continue on. Perhaps he was, but he'd much rather die in an act of defiance than by eating his own gun. In any case, people had thought that a 13-year-old fresh from a monastery armed only with a gun, a sutra, and a bad attitude wouldn't survive either, and he'd proven them wrong.

He was pissed off, and he wanted to share that with the world.

As Hakkai sat on the bed, he was sure that he looked calm and unruffled. Inwardly, he vibrated with horror and nerves even as Hakuryuu pressed his head against Hakkai's hand in an effort to calm him. While he hoped to have that inner vibration under control by the time Gojyo and Goku returned and he had to tell them the news, he doubted he would be so fortunate.

Fortunate. In many ways, they had been fortunate. Sanzo had awoken. It seemed that he retained his memory and personality intact. He hadn't been paralyzed.

Hakkai had been so relieved when Sanzo had opened his eyes and spoken. That relief had started to die when Sanzo's usually sharp violet eyes stared off into space instead of focusing on him.

Considering all the enemies they had, Sanzo's blindness might even be caused by something other than the head injury. Someone with power could have taken advantage of his current vulnerability. Hakkai couldn't tell.

He'd failed. He hadn't covered Sanzo properly during the battle, hadn't healed him well enough then, and couldn't heal him the second time. He knew that an application of chi energy couldn't fix everything....

Sanzo was a very proud man, with a hatred, fear, and horror of being "weak." How would he survive this?

"Hakkai! How could you leave Sanzo alone?" Goku said. Gojyo loped in behind him. They both had bags of groceries.

Hakkai instinctively put his protective smile on. "He's awake and wanted to be alone."

"That's great!" Goku's face lit up.

But Gojyo asked, "What's wrong, Hakkai?" He was far more perceptive than he let most people see.

"Sanzo is well. Cranky and in full possession of his faculties." Under Gojyo's steady gaze, Hakkai murmured, "But there is a problem." How could he say this to Goku? "He can't see."

"Can't see what?" Goku asked, apparently unable to imagine what Hakkai meant.

Gojyo got it. Unfortunately, he expressed it as "He's blind?"

Goku's eyes widened. "Blind?" he asked softly.

"It might be temporary," Hakkai said quickly. "When I tried to heal him again I saw some swelling. Once that goes down, he might be fine." He saw Gojyo understanding what "might" meant.

But Goku took it as absolute certainty. "Sanzo's strong, so he'll be fine. But he's going to be really pissed off for a while."

Gojyo shuddered dramatically. "We're in for it."

Bless him for trying.

"After two days, he must be starving!" Goku said. "I'll bring him some food!"

"Not yet!" Hakkai said. "Like you said, he's really pissed off. You should give him time to cool down."

"Good idea, Hakkai."

"There's no reason for you to starve yourself."

Eating, Goku would be distracted and easier to deal with. It worked just as Hakkai had hoped. Goku ate with an enthusiasm that he hadn't shown in two days.

But Gojyo sat on the edge of the bed with Hakkai, put an arm around his shoulder, and rested his head against his. "Cheer up, okay?"

"I failed to heal him. Twice," Hakkai murmured softly against the side of Gojyo's face.

"You're exhausted. If not for you, he'd be dead."

"He might not see life as a blessing." At that, Hakkai had a sudden horrible thought. "His gun is still in the room with him. What if he decides to take--"

"He's blind. How's he gonna get to it?"

"He's Sanzo."

They looked at each other, then Gojyo said loudly, "Hey, monkey--"

"Don't call me that!" Goku yelled through a mouthful of food.

"You wanna save some of that for Sanzo? We're thinking we should bring him some grub."

"I thought we were gonna save it for until he was less pissed off."

"We realized that he'd starve to death first."

Goku smirked, then said, "Okay!"

If Sanzo planned suicide, it wouldn't be a good idea to have Goku with them to see it, yet if they tried to ditch him right now he'd get suspicious and follow anyway. Goku picked up a bag of food and followed them out.

None of them had heard a gunshot. That left room for hope.

When they opened the door, Hakkai saw Sanzo standing there with a cigarette in his mouth and his gun resting against his face, which sparked conflicting thoughts. From the lit cigarette he thought that maybe Sanzo's sight had returned after all, while the placement of the gun suggested either suicide to come or the physical intimacy a person had with a lover. If Sanzo planned to kill himself, surely he'd have the end of the barrel placed against his head instead....

When Sanzo opened his eyes and turned his head toward them, his eyes stared into eternity without finding them. "What the hell do you want?" At least he put the gun down before Goku came in.

"Sanzo! I brought food for you!" Goku said.

Sanzo's mouth twitched. "Stupid monkey." But it had that hint of fondness that crept in now and then.

Hakkai said, "I see that you're already learning how to get around." Scaring the hell out of them.... He could feel Gojyo relax next to him.

"Tch. Since you're all here, I might as well tell you what happens next."

This should be interesting. Hakkai closed the door. "How did you know that Gojyo's here?"

"He's obnoxious to all of my senses."

"Asshole monk," Gojyo muttered.

Sanzo leaned against the table, almost facing them. It hurt to see him staring at nothing like that. Clad only in his old jeans, he looked so young, too thin, and too scarred. Bandages on him were too familiar a sight. Blinded, he might not care that Hakkai had cut away some of his hair in the wounded areas, but Sanzo could be vain. For now, the bandage hid them.

"I'm still going west," Sanzo said. "It's up to you if you go with me. Whether you do or not, I'm still going. I can still hear enemies coming, and I can still fire a gun and use the sutra."

Hakkai smiled at Sanzo still being Sanzo. Goku immediately said, "Of course I'm going!"

But Gojyo asked, "How the hell would you get there without Jeep?"

"I'd walk. I've done it in the past." Sanzo tilted his head and winced a little, probably at the pain. "Does that mean you and Hakkai aren't going?"

"I can't speak for Hakkai, but I gotta tell you that I'm not traveling with a suicide-to-be."

Hakkai had wondered at that possibility himself but never would have brought it up so openly.

"This isn't about suicide. This is about making them suffer and fucking up their plans for what they did to me."

A very Sanzo reason. He'd definitely come away from his injury with his personality intact. Although Hakkai sometimes thought that might not be such a blessing.

"Then I'm all for that if Hakkai's still going."

"Of course I am," Hakkai said. Wrapped around his neck, Hakuryuu let out an affirmative "Kyuu!" as well.

Gojyo smiled. "Then you got me too. I don't have anything better to do right now."

"Not that I care whether you go or not, but it's good to know," Sanzo said. He could be such a pain in the ass.

"Perhaps the Three Aspects or Merciful Goddess might heal you if your blindness impeded your mission," Hakkai said.

"Or they might send another Sanzo in to take your sutra and take over," Gojyo said, raking the muck as usual. It made Hakkai smile.

"If they did that, he would have to pry it from my corpse," Sanzo answered.

It looked as if suicide was definitely not an option Sanzo was considering. Thankfully. Continuing the mission would be better for him than lying around brooding and moping. It would actually be less stressful on his companions as well, particularly Goku.

"Now you have to eat!" Goku said. "I even bought mayonnaise for your ramen."

Gojyo looked disgusted. "It's a shame that blow to the head didn't improve your taste, Sanzo."

"You are hungry, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked. "Is there any nausea?"

"I feel nauseous now," Gojyo said.

"That's not what I'm asking."

"I'll eat," Sanzo said. "But not in front of you."

"We're not good enough for you, Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo asked.

But Hakkai understood. In his pride, Sanzo wouldn't want them to watch him fumble blindly with his food and utensils and would resent anyone trying to help him. "Let him eat alone. Besides, I could use some sleep."

Gojyo smiled that smile. "Yeah, sleep would be good." He was incorrigible.

So was Hakkai, since he felt desire start to heat his blood, welcome after two days of uncertainty and worry had kept it away. "After I make some food for Sanzo."

"Sure, sure."

"I'm staying," Goku said.

"Monkey--" Sanzo started to protest.

"I'm staying. I won't watch you, but I'm staying." When he planted himself on the bed, the springs protested loudly. Sanzo let out an annoyed snort but said nothing more.

Hakkai heated up some food for Sanzo and led him, over his snarls and protests, to a chair to sit down and eat it at the table. "If you need any help--"

"--you're next door being screwed by the cockroach," Sanzo said softly. "I know."

"Sometimes I screw him. Enjoy your meal."

"Not with that image in my head." But Sanzo was nearly smiling. You had to know him to see it.

There would be difficulties, but Sanzo could get through it by being a stubborn son of a bitch, which he was well capable of. They would continue on.

Hakkai left him with these parting words: "So says the man who likes mayonnaise on his ramen." Sanzo's paper fan missed him by about ten millimeters. Hakkai tossed it back onto the table and said, "Perhaps you'll survive the trip west if you keep working on your aim."

"Keep talking so I know exactly where you are."

Cheered, Hakkai closed the door. When he came into the other room, Gojyo stood up and asked, "How's the emperor doing with his feast?"

"He threw his fan at me. It almost hit me."

"He is doing better." Gojyo grabbed him and kissed him deeply.

Hakkai melted against him but said, "I am tired, Gojyo. I don't want to fall asleep on you."

"I don't mind. You've been wearing yourself out. But I'll try to keep you awake."

"But quietly. Sanzo seems to be paying more attention to his hearing now."

"I'm not the one who's the noisiest."

"Then I'll take my own advice."

The spoon hit the bowl with a dull clunk. Again. To his humiliation, Sanzo had gotten more soup on himself than in his mouth. And trying to use the chopsticks had been especially demeaning. He wanted to beat on the table in his frustration but that would only splash him with more soup.

"Sanzo," Goku said, "you're getting food everywhere. Let me help."

He didn't care so much if Goku saw him like this, since the monkey had no table manners whatsoever and knew it very well. Goku's reaction to his display was just that he was wasting food.

"You're not licking it off me."

Goku made a sound that mated a snort and a laugh. "That's not what I meant." He walked noisily and with energy. As he stood next to Sanzo he smelled of food, earth, and boy.

"You're not feeding me."

"Probably not. If I tried, I'd probably eat it instead."

"Thank you so much for your honesty." Maybe he had to slow down even more to get it done. He could smell the soup and feel it against his spoon. He just had to make sure he didn't scoop too much up at once. Then he had to orient the spoon correctly at his lips.

Damn it, he'd only been blind for a few hours and he was completely bored of and frustrated with it. How would he deal with this for the rest of his life?

Sanzo heard a chair scrape against the floor and felt Goku looking at him. Shit. "What?"

"I'm glad you let me stay. I got bored of the town, and I don't like being around while Hakkai and Gojyo eat each other. It's worse than Gojyo with his women because here I know both of them."

Occasionally Sanzo could make out a catch of breath or low groan coming from the next room. He refused to think about it. "Yeah."

"Are you insane, Hakkai?" Gojyo asked.

"Not the last time I looked. Then again, the last time I was insane, I didn't know it at the time." Hakkai dodged as Goku ran down the hall happily burbling something about breakfast.

"The monk hits us enough as is," Gojyo continued. "Now you're gonna give him a cane to add to his arsenal when he's more pissed off than usual?"

Hakkai carefully twirled the white cane, pleased by its light weight. "He rarely hits me."

"That's wonderful. For you."

"It's not heavy. Its purpose is to let Sanzo know that there's an obstruction in his path before he bumps into it."

"Heh. Sorry. I just had a fun mental image."

"It would probably break if he attempted to club you or Goku with it. I should probably tell him that."

"Yeah, that would be a good idea."

When they opened the door, Sanzo had just finished pulling one of his fingerless gloves on. He already had the slinky black top on, but his other arm remained bare. It made Hakkai's breath catch. Hakkai never felt any desire for Sanzo while the monk wore just pants or jeans, because Hakkai was too accustomed to him being injured while dressed like that and one did not lust after one's helpless patients. But when Sanzo put more clothing on, particularly the clothing of his station, he reminded Hakkai of just what a remarkably attractive looking man he was.

Knowing that Gojyo was dealing with his own pangs of Sanzo-lust at the moment, Hakkai took advantage of his distraction to say, "Sanzo, this cane is for you. It should be helpful," and hand it to Sanzo.

Sanzo held it horizontally in both hands. "Perfect. I want the whole world to know that I'm blind."

"It'll find out anyway if you're running into things."

"Tch."

Gojyo made a strangled noise behind him as Sanzo appeared to be stroking and fondling the length of the cane with both hands. Hakkai felt some effects at the sight himself. Finally, Gojyo said, "Gotta go. Excuse me," and quickly walked off.

Sanzo snorted, which suggested that he knew exactly what he'd been doing. Hakkai said, "That wasn't very nice," but couldn't help feeling some amusement.

"I don't like an audience, and it means I don't have to listen to him talk. I heard the both of you in the hall."

"Then you know that the cane isn't strong enough to club people with."

"I can feel that too."

"I'm going to check and change your bandages."

Sanzo made a sound of annoyance but gestured for Hakkai to come over. The wound and evacuation area were healing very nicely thanks to Hakkai's application of chi and wouldn't need bandaging at all tomorrow. So tomorrow he might get an earful if Sanzo discovered the small bald patches by feel. He'd tell him that his soft golden hair was long elsewhere and might drape over the areas nicely. Hakkai would not think about running his fingers through Sanzo's hair for more recreational purposes. As soon as Hakkai finished the new bandages, he stood and returned to the doorway, staying out of arms' length of temptation.

Sanzo looked so fetching with one arm bare.

"Hakkai, I have to finish dressing before I go downstairs. I won't do it with you standing in the doorway."

Hakkai almost asked if he needed help. Fortunately, he collected his wits in time. "Yes. We'll see you soon." He closed the door and went to breakfast. Gojyo might be finished jerking off by now.

Soon. Nothing happened "soon" since Sanzo had lost his sight. Everything took more time, effort, and thought. It galled. It tasted like bile at the back of his throat.

This morning he'd wasted a few minutes wondering why it had still been so dark when he awoke. It hadn't truly sunken in yet....

Once Sanzo finally finished dressing in his full regalia--even to the veil and coronet, which hurt his head but covered the bandages--he secreted his remaining belongings in various places. His boxes of bullets, gun, pack of cigarettes, lighter, gold card, and reading glasses he tucked into his sash. The inclusion of the reading glasses mocked his philosophy of non-attachment, but if he did regain his sight he'd feel foolish to have left them behind. He put his fan up the right sleeve of his robe.

He picked up the cane and twirled it. At the monastery as a child he'd learned to fight with a staff and practiced illicitly with his broom as well, but this cane was too thin and light to deliver a proper blow. It had a loop at one end, which he placed around his wrist. He held the cane and swept it slowly in front of him, tapping a few objects at the edges of his sweeps.

He might be able to hurt someone with it if he poked the right place. If he could fucking find the right place.

He took careful steps in the hall and careful steps down the stairs, the last slowly enough that he didn't misstep or falter even once. Once he reached the dining room he had to hold the cane nearly vertically and feel his way through by the use of his hands, since the tables stood so close together. He avoided touching most people by noticing the heat of them before his fingers settled.

Someone grabbed his wrist. "I just found a new fetish. Look at what monks keep for themselves," the infringing asshole said.

"Xiaohu, that's a Sanzo!" someone hissed.

At least he'd taken the cane's loop off his wrist already. Sanzo dropped the cane, pulled out his gun, and quickly moved it forward until its barrel pressed against something warm and unyielding. He'd set it against enough skulls in his time to recognize the feeling. It was probably the asshole's head, but he wouldn't mind threatening the asshole's friends either. "At this range, I can't miss. Let go now."

"You wouldn't. You're a--"

The gun made a loud and unmistakable sound as he started to pull the trigger. Once the hand let go of him, Sanzo pulled his gun away and kept walking. A few minutes later he heard something rushing at the back of his head. He dodged to the side, then heard the familiar hum of a chi force field nearby and a clunk as something hit it.

"It's rude to infringe upon the person of a blind holy man," Hakkai said softly but in a way that the whole dining room could hear. "It's also dangerous to your spiritual health."

After a few tense minutes without anything else flying at him, Sanzo continued walking to his group's table, finding them by sound and scent, and sat down in an empty chair. Hakkai handed him his cane and said, "I took it upon myself to spare you the trouble of retrieving it." He smelled of soap and energy now, with no trace of the musk Sanzo had smelled from him earlier. Well, he'd been with the perpetually horny kappa.

Hakkai knew how to talk around Sanzo. Which could be dangerous....

A walking sound and scent of perfume, food, sweat, and woman preceded the sound of a bowl being placed in front of him. Shit. Now he'd have to eat in front of them. Dressing himself and getting here had taken up so much of his attention that he'd forgotten that this would follow. This would also be the first time he had to deal with food and his robe's dangling sleeves at once.

But he would mercilessly mock someone who'd starved himself to death out of self-consciousness.

Annoyed, Sanzo pushed his sleeves back past his elbows, found his spoon, and began to use it very slowly and very carefully. As far as Sanzo could tell, it worked. He spilled nothing. Not having to use chopsticks helped, but he would master those too, dammit. In time and with more practice, he would speed up as well.

"Oi, Sanzo, are you eating that or making love to it? What happened to getting out on the road as soon as possible?" Gojyo asked. Sanzo could sense his smirk and hear Hakkai murmuring, "Gojyo...."

In response, Sanzo ate slower.

The sounds of wind, terrain, and Jeep's operation unfortunately didn't cover the racket coming from the back. Sanzo gritted his teeth and slouched deeper into his seat. Blinded, he didn't have anything he could look at to distract him.

"You cheater!" Goku yelled.

"Cheat? I don't have to cheat against an idiot like you to win! I could win blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back!" Gojyo answered.

"You're so full of shit."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

Unable to stand the brainless repartee any longer, Sanzo pulled out his fan, whipped around to face them, and walloped anything he could reach with it. The chorus of pain and "what did you do that for?" helped him find his targets and warmed his heart. Not so disabled after all, was he?

"Ow! My eye!" Gojyo yelled.

His eye? "Don't you fucking start with me," Sanzo growled.

"I thought we'd never have to deal with this again from the blind wonder," Gojyo muttered, but Sanzo heard him and smacked him with the fan some more. "Ow! That's my other eye, you dickweed!"

"Don't make me start looking for your mouth."

To his relief, it finally settled them down. He turned around again and sat in his place.

"Routine can be comforting," Hakkai said, sounding happy, and Sanzo knew exactly which smile he'd have on his face.

Sanzo didn't answer that.

How much more did he have to take today? What time of day was it, anyway? How long had they been driving? He didn't have any idea, nor would he ask.

Hakkai watched Sanzo settle back into his habitual "don't bother me; I'm sleeping" pose: arms crossed, head tilted down, eyes closed and shaded by his long bangs, as if Sanzo didn't usually monitor everything around him from under his lashes while doing that anyway. Not that Sanzo could see that way anymore. It made Hakkai's smile fade. This veneer of normality couldn't last.

So far Sanzo had adapted fairly well and with far fewer complaints than Hakkai had expected. That couldn't last either. Paranoid and naturally high-strung, Sanzo nearly vibrated today with the tension and effort of using his other senses to compensate for his lost sight. How many days would he have to do that for? It would make him tired, which would make him crankier, which would put a sharper edge on his caustic, poisonous tongue.

Two hours later, he fell asleep for real, the difference detectable in his deeper breathing and the release of some of the tension in his shoulders and neck. Hakkai glanced over now and then as he drove to make sure that Sanzo retained his seat, but it seemed that he didn't have to worry, because Sanzo's body adapted to Jeep's movements even while unconscious. They'd been on this road that long.... Even Goku's cries of "I'm hungry!" didn't wake him.

At least they hadn't been attacked by youkai today. How well Sanzo could do in battle could be demonstrated after he'd gotten through more time and a little more healing.

In another three hours, Hakkai stopped Jeep for the night, which finally woke Sanzo. From his stillness and the sudden acceleration of his breathing, Sanzo was upset about something but trying to hide it. Guessing, Hakkai said, "It's late, and we won't reach a village for a while yet, so we'll sleep outside in the jeep."

"It's-- yeah," Sanzo answered and removed the coronet and veil, revealing his bandages.

He obviously hadn't realized that night had fallen, and why would he?

"Are you hungry, Sanzo?"

"I'll just sleep." And he did, almost immediately.

"Just hug him already, Hakkai," Gojyo murmured to him. "You should get beaten up for once."

"What?" Hakkai whispered back.

"You have that 'you poor thing' look going."

"You're being silly."

"Nope."

"Jealous?" But Hakkai asked it lightly.

"Could you guys do this another time?" Goku asked.

"You've slept through being attacked," Gojyo said. "Our talking is keeping you awake?"

"I'm just thinking that talking about Sanzo when he's so close isn't a good idea. He's just tired and blind, and that won't last forever, okay?"

"Of course, Goku," Hakkai said. "Good night."

Although Sanzo could feel the heat of the sun shining on his face and hair, his eyes saw only darkness. Would this disorientation every time he woke up continue forever? Fuck, wouldn't it be worse if it stopped because he'd been blind long enough to become accustomed to it?

The head resting on his right shoulder and hand on his left had to belong to Goku. Anyone else touching him in his sleep would have brought him to full alert the moment it happened. The little bastard better not have drooled on his hair. He heard his three companions breathing in the deep, steady way of sleep, with Goku and Gojyo snoring.

Sanzo gently and slowly unwrapped Goku from his upper body and set him resting atop the seat back instead. The little monkey murmured disconsolately, then ruined it by muttering, "But... Sanzo... meat buns....."

And some of Sanzo's hair was wet with drool. Still, he wanted to get away alone for a while more than he wanted to smack the top of Goku's head and possibly wake him up.

Sanzo found his cane and carefully navigated his way, counting his steps, to a tree that might give him some privacy. He stubbed his toes on three stones, stumbled once, and probably mowed the grass through the violence of his cane sweeps. Once he finished relieving himself, he took out a cigarette and his lighter. Damn but he needed a cigarette, having been unwilling to attempt to light one in front of an audience yesterday. He could too easily set his sleeves on fire or, worse, his bangs, which would have resulted in a head-slapping fluster dance to put it out that Gojyo would never let him live down.

Sanzo put his arms up to make the sleeves of his robe fall to his elbows, then started. After three tries, two cigarettes, and two burns on his fingers, he got one lit and savored the flow of smoke into his body.

Over the smell of his cigarette he could detect the sudden scents of incense and flowers. "How the mighty have fallen," Kanzeon Bosatsu purred. He briefly wondered if se bothered manifesting the heavenly lights for him, since he couldn't see it.

"Do you have anything to do with this, bitch?" he answered.

"As entertaining as it's been for me to watch, no. Why should I work to put obstacles in your path when so many other people are willing to do it for me?" Se suddenly stood close enough for him to feel hir ridiculously large breasts against his chest and know that hir nipples were hard. Annoyed, he stepped back immediately. Se hadn't made a sound of movement. "You know, I am a god."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"All-powerful, all-knowing."

"All-annoying."

"I could fix your little problem."

Here it came. "I'm certain you could. Go ahead."

"You haven't asked."

All-needy. He hated gods. "You won't actually do it."

"How do you know?" Se laughed. "You haven't asked. If you ask, I might. If you don't, I won't."

Of course. "Tch."

"It would take three seconds to ask. Versus a lifetime of doing everything at ¼ of the speed you want to use, stumbling into objects, being vulnerable and a liability in a fight, struggling not to spill food on yourself, and trying not to set your hair on fire just to enjoy a smoke. Versus a lifetime of weakness."

"I'm doing fine."

"Then I guess you're not interested at all. I can go."

Dammit. He had to take a chance. "Would you restore my vision?" he ground out through gritted teeth. He knew better than to ask hir to "fix his eyes," because he shuddered to think of how se would have fun with that one.

"You forgot 'please.'"

The hag.

"Well?" se asked.

He'd already bent this far. Fuck. "Would you please restore my vision?" The "you bitch" remained unspoken but probably palpable.

"Was that so hard?"

"What do you think?"

Se stayed silent for a moment, then cheerfully said, "I won't restore your sight."

Sanzo snorted at the anti-climax of it. "And here I'd gotten my hopes up." Gods saved no one.

"The cure is closer than you realize. You will see again. Someday. But not today."

If he asked "when," se would no doubt give him some stupid vague riddle instead of an answer. "My blindness will slow the mission."

"You'll just have to make up for it in some other way. We'll meet again." With a soft sound and a feel of suddenly displaced air, se departed.

Hopefully. For all he knew, se could have blanked out of all hir sounds and scents to stick around and smirk at him.

"Sanzo!" Goku yelled.

"Don't worry, Goku," Hakkai said. "Just follow the path of recently butchered grass."

"Sanzo! We're having breakfast!"

"Gojyo is tending it." But then Hakkai grabbed Sanzo's hands. "Is smoking really worth burning yourself like this?"

Sanzo yanked his hands away. He wasn't some invalid, child, or pet to be manhandled so. "Yes."

"I won't heal them."

"Didn't ask you to." He'd suffered far worse pain and lived through far worse injuries before he'd met Hakkai.

Goku growled and shook Sanzo's arm. "There's breakfast! If we leave Gojyo alone with it, it'll be gone!"

"I'll come," Sanzo answered. "Just don't drag me."

Breakfast consisted of various finger foods that didn't make much of a mess. He wondered if Hakkai had decided on the menu. While Goku and Gokyo indulged in a loud, meaningless argument about jack shit, Hakkai undid the bandages and examined the wounds, finally saying, "We can leave them to the air from now on."

Sano put his hand back and felt scabs... and small bald patches around them. "What the hell did you do to me?"

"They'll heal better without hair in them."

"It must look freakish. Besides, I might as well paint circles around them and the characters for 'strike here.'"

"You'll have to tell me for the future that I should suspend life-saving measures if I realize that they'll interfere with your appearance." Hakkai's voice had turned low and steely, with a small shake in it.

Upset.

Tch. He'd been the one dealt a nearly mortal wound, but he had to be delicate with others. "I would rather be alive. I just hate wearing the fucking coronet and veil. Even I get tired of beating the shit out of people for calling me 'princess.'"

"Your hair could be styled to disguise the spots," Hakkai answered, sounding lighter again as he gathered Sanzo's hair together into a ponytail.

"I'd rather not have you doing my hair every morning."

"What, and miss the opportunity to do your nails and tell each other about your not-so-secret crushes? I know how you both love me, but it would be nice to hear it," Gojyo said. "Nice 'do, Sanzo-sama. Classy."

Sanzo pulled free of Hakkai and answered, "It still has to look better than what you had the time you cut off all your hair yourself."

"That did look really dumb," Goku said.

"At least I don't look dumb all the time," Gojyo answered.

"What, are you saying I look dumb all the time?"

"Hey, there is a brain in there."

"I do not!"

"Have a brain?"

"You look stupider than I ever could!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Why couldn't I have been stricken deaf?" Sanzo asked.

Sometime in what was probably the afternoon, Sanzo felt something scrape along his nerves, even aside from the headache wearing the damned coronet gave him. The feeling increased. Damn.

"Sanzo? What is it?" Hakkai asked.

Sanzo took out his gun and fully loaded it. If this intuition followed the course of his other ones, the danger would be on them in seconds. They never gave him decent warning. "It's your responsibility to stay out of my range. If any of you gets shot, it's not my fault. And don't coddle me, Hakkai."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

He heard Goku call for his weapon and the sound of it materializing. Gojyo readied his, which had its own unique sound. As Hakkai floored the pedal, Jeep sped forward.

Sanzo heard the youkai coming as they screamed and shouted, "Give us the sutra!"

"What boring assailants," Hakkai said. "Quite unoriginal."

"Yeah. They could have at least sent some pretty ones too," Gojyo replied.

"I'm about to stop Hakuryuu hard," Hakkai said.

Sanzo braced himself and felt the shudders within the jeep as Hakkai hit the brakes hard and let the vehicle arc as it finally slid to a halt, probably crushing several of their attackers judging from the screams of pain. Then they started fighting. The roar of noises left Sanzo disoriented and overwhelmed, but he could pick out his group's banter and the sound of their fighting styles and weapons enough to avoid firing on them. In any case, they should get out of his way.

The sounds slowly died down as they mowed through their assailants, until only his group's bantering remained. Yet he could not set aside his gun, not out of any intuition but out of dread at being caught defenseless if his hearing had missed something.

"Sanzo, we're clear," Hakkai said.

Only then did he put his gun away. He must have had it in a deathgrip from how his hand hurt.

Hakkai had to say that Sanzo had done well. Sanzo's former pinpoint aim was, of course, not possible with his blindness, but he could defend himself. Hakkai hadn't covered him much more than usual. Gojyo and Goku had been forced to dodge a bullet or two, but that could always happen in the chaos of battle.

Sanzo had felt the attackers coming before they arrived. While he'd had intuitions before, they'd usually come for larger disturbances. Would his intuitive sense become more acute to compensate for his lost sight as his hearing already had?

Sanzo didn't speak, nor did he intervene when Goku and Gojyo started fighting in the back of the jeep. But Sanzo didn't always put an end to their spirited hijinks, so it might not mean anything.

As evening fell, rain came with it. They found a small town, but all the rooms in every inn they found had already been taken. A few inns offered to let them bed down on the floor in their common rooms for a lesser price, but Hakkai declined, imagining the trouble that would arise from Sanzo trying to sleep as numerous strangers he couldn't identify kept moving around him.

The trudge from place to place looking for vacancies left them tired, cranky, and soaked through. Hakuryuu currently sheltered inside Hakkai's hood, twined around his neck. Hakkai had to keep clearing water off of his monocle.

"I don't wanna sleep outside in a tent," Goku whined, saying what they all felt.

"I could find myself a place for the night, but I don't know what the rest of you would do," Gojyo said.

"Pervert."

"You're a Sanzo!" a woman nearby said suddenly.

Given Sanzo's temperament and current situation, his "Yes" didn't sound as sharp or as nasty as Hakkai would have expected.

"I couldn't help overhearing that you can't find a place to pass the night. My family doesn't have much, but we have a dry home, some blankets, and a little food we can share. Please let us do this."

Hakkai expected Sanzo to decline out of distrust of her or a fear of being called on to preach in return for her kindness, but he simply said, "Thank you. You don't have to share your food, but a dry place to sleep would be appreciated."

Sanzo could be charming when he wished. Living with him, Hakkai often forgot that.

As they walked, Hakkai heard Goku say, "But they offered us food!" The smack from Sanzo that followed sounded duller and much wetter than usual.

Keyo's home had two small, cramped rooms, yet she and her husband seemed to be prepared to sleep outside in the rain with their baby daughter to make their guests comfortable if necessary. Hakkai assured them that such a sacrifice would not be necessary. They accepted a little food after all and tea, since their own supplies were low and the town didn't have much to offer. Sanzo looked dazed and tired and snapped only a little as Hakkai led him to one of the nests of blankets and pillows on the floor offered by their hosts and snapped only a little more when Hakkai helped him take his coronet and sandals off.

Hakkai could only hope that Sanzo wouldn't accidentally kill himself on them while getting up in the night.

Gojyo smiled as a hand groped his chest, then sighed when it withdrew. Tease. Really dark in here, aside from a little light coming from the far corner. Wondered where he was....

Then he remembered the couple with the cute kid and tiny house and then bedding down next to His Unconscious Highness. Who now seemed to be muttering to himself as he tried to escape his entangling blankets. To do what?

Hearing the rain still pounding against the roof and sides of the house, Gojyo figured that he knew what Sanzo intended to do. After a little groping of his own, he found Sanzo's wrist and grabbed it. "Where do you think you're going?"

"None of your business." Sanzo struggled hard enough to just about dislocate his arm, getting his wrist free, but the blankets still trapped him.

"I think you're going to brood and smoke up the place, which would be rude to the nice people in the next room who are making us at home. But considering how close together on the floor we all are, you'd probably break your neck trying to get out anyway."

"Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, sounding sleepy. Right, he'd bedded down on Sanzo's other side. It sounded like the recipe for a party.

"Just saving a life," Gojyo answered.

Sanzo had always been easy on the eyes but, blinded, he became even more tempting because Gojyo had to watch him fondle and grope the whole damned world trying to find his way around. Gojyo would like to feign blindness in certain bars.... Anyway, he sure as hell didn't blame Hakkai for all the staring and lust, not when he wanted a piece himself.

Aside from the little bit of light glinting on the edges of Sanzo's hair, Gojyo couldn't see him, just feel his body heat and hear his quickened breathing and the rustle of blankets. A tiny taste of blindness.

"Gojyo," Hakkai said, which Gojyo could translate to "The nice couple with the cute kid let us stay with them because we had a holy man in our party, and if they come through the blanket separating the rooms to see two of their guests fucking said holy man on the floor, they might be upset and throw us out." He and Hakkai had a special relationship that way.

And Hakkai was right. Dammit. It just hurt to have such a beautiful setup thrown in his lap and not be able to take advantage.

Sanzo growled something about loudly drumming rain and Gojyo being inane before putting a pillow over his head, ruining Gojyo's mood the rest of the way. Monk had no sense of romance.

Other opportunities would come along. If they didn't, Gojyo would make them.

When Hakkai woke that morning he could tell just from the tilt of Sanzo's head that the blindness hadn't lifted. Sanzo held his head differently for listening than for watching. Every morning Hakkai hoped, and every morning he was disappointed and rebuked for his failures. How much worse must it be for Sanzo?

Right now Sanzo sat amongst his blankets and gathered his golden hair into a small, loose ponytail, shifting some of it in what seemed to be an effort to cover the injured spots of his head. Fighting the urge to guide Sanzo's hands with his, Hakkai said, "Bring the hair on your left more to the center as you gather it. Actually, don't do that yet. I should examine you."

"Tch."

"Good morning to you too." Hakkai strove to make his touches feel light and professional as he slid his fingers through Sanzo's hair. It could use a washing. They all could. He closed his eyes to feel with his chi as well. "It's healing nicely. Much of the internal swelling is down."

"But I'm still like this."

"You may yet get better."

"Or I may be like this for the rest of my life." He had dark shadows under his blankly staring eyes.

"Rough night?"

"The rain was too loud. Then Gojyo decided to be an idiot."

Hakkai vaguely remembered that. Since Sanzo was no more grumpy than usual and Gojyo yet lived, Hakkai could assume that Gojyo had used good judgment last night and refrained from making a move on their favorite blind lust object.

"I'm tired of this," Sanzo said softly, probably too softly for Gojyo and Goku, still buried in the blankets sleeping, to hear.

"You've been dealing with it better than I expected," Hakkai answered as softly.

"Be strong, Genjo Sanzo," Sanzo said with some annoyance, and it somehow sounded like a quote.

"You are."

"Tch."

His red eyes bright with mischief, Gojyo sat up and said, "Good morning, sunshine!" quickly followed by "Sanzo, you stuck your fingers up my fucking nose!"

Sanzo pulled his hand away with a disgusted sound. He must not have had his fan handy. Hakkai took advantage of his distraction to tie his hair back for him, earning a poisonous expression when Sanzo realized what he's gotten away with.

"I think he was aiming for your mouth, Gojyo," Hakkai answered.

"Sanzo-chan, if you wanted me to suck on your fingers you just had to ask!"

"I'd rather you sucked on my gun."

"Kinky, but I might do it under the right circumstances."

Gojyo had a gift for horrifying and amusing Hakkai all at once. "That might be too much temptation for Sanzo's trigger finger to bear."

"I could tempt his fingers all right...."

"I'm so hungry," Goku groaned suddenly. It broke the growing sexual tension.

"These people barely have enough for themselves. We'll eat on the road," Sanzo answered as he carefully untangled himself from his blankets.

Gojyo grumbled about monkeys butting in on his moves. Did Goku have such a strategy in mind? Surely not. But Goku did have impeccable timing....