Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Saiyuki Serial: Beautifully Broken Evolution ❯ 12 Needing & Wanting ( Chapter 12 )

Author's Note: None of the lovelies of Saiyuki belong to me and all rights apply to the fantastic creators who do own them. I don't make anything off this but my own perverted gratification.

 

~ indicates POV

 

Self-beta job. All fuck-ups are mine alone.

Thanks goes to Lillie for reading this over for me.

 

12Needing & Wanting

 

~Gojyo~

 

Fuck, but I wanted Sanzo.

I never expected to feel this way about him. I didn't really expect to feel like this about anybody. I didn't know how he managed to sneak under my guard and settle himself next to my heart. I wasn't bitching about it. I liked the warm, giddy sensation I got from it. There was also the added rush of knowing that if I pushed him just a little too much, just a hair too hard, he might cause me serious bodily harm. That added a nice kick of adrenalin to being in bed with him. It didn't hurt anything that he was gorgeous too.

 

After giving him that last kiss in the cave, I wasn't sure if he was going to take a pot shot at me or not. I'm relieved he didn't. Being shot fucking hurts.

 

The kiss turned Sanzo surly. Well, surlier than he usually was. I knew I'd made him nervous and possibly even scared him with the feelings I'd put into that kiss. For the first few days after it, Sanzo avoided me like the plague. He'd stopped being so skittish when I didn't push him for anything and let him set the pace for how he wanted to deal with what he'd felt from the kiss. Almost a full week passed before I felt his touch again. That'd been pure torture for me. It had been under the cover of darkness and deep into the night when he came to my bed but I didn't care when he came to me, just that he did.

 

He avoided any contact with me that wasn't accidental in the presence of others. He growled death threats at me and if looks could kill, I'd have been dead a thousand times over. But he never pulled out his fan to hit me or threatened me with his gun. Goku, on the other hand, wasn't spared the Fan-Of-Doom and complained loudly when he got hit and I didn't.

 

But the show of not touching me during the day fell away at night. As long as we had some privacy, I'd get his company in bed with me where he'd do some very unmonk-like things with me. He was passionate and erotic and commanding and I loved every minute of it. He was going the path of roughness again but I suppose it was his way of dealing with our becoming closer. I was going to let him work it out of his system a little longer and then demand some gentler bed play with him. He really needed to learn that gentle and tender didn't mean weak. More restraint was needed to be gentle and move slowly than was needed to be rough.

 

I caught Sanzo's eyes in the rear view mirror. I let him see the lust he stirred in my body. I drew in a sharp breath when he sucked hard on his smoke. Memories of every time Sanzo had those lips of his wrapped around my cock flooded my brain. I sent him a wicked smile, more than willing to play a little seduction game with him. I saw Sanzo's eyes darken with desire and smiled wide when Sanzo snapped at Goku in frustration. I ran my fingers through my hair and gave him a half-lidded look that promised him whatever he wanted when we got to the next town and a room to our selves.

 

Fuck but I wanted to taste him again.

 

Sanzo turned his gaze away from mine and refused to look at me again. He stared at the rocks and sand we travelled through but I could tell from the subtle tension in his body that he was aware I was watching him and caressing him with my eyes. From the faint blush in his cheeks, I could tell the touch of my eyes was arousing him. Hell, I was arousing myself.

 

“Sanzo, when are we gonna stop and eat? I'm starving to death here.”

 

I saw Sanzo drop his head forward and the muscles in his neck tensed. Goku, being the annoying little monkey he was, opened his mouth to whine about being hungry again. He barely got three words out before Sanzo whipped out his fan and hit Goku across the ear making the monkey whine and rub the side of his head. I couldn't help it, I laughed at the expression on Goku's face.

 

“Spanking the monkey again, Sanzo?” I asked with a smirk.

 

I didn't think Sanzo would move as fast as he did. I didn't even see him put away the fan before he pressed the banishing gun under my chin. I watched his eyes and saw flickers of desire move through the purple depths. He wouldn't shoot me. He wanted me too much. I changed that thought when his lip curled in a sneer and he thumbed the hammer back. Sanzo wouldn't shoot to kill me, I didn't think, but a bullet would still hurt like fuck.

 

“Sit there and shut the fuck up. Whoever talks next gets shot,” he growled at me as he ground the gun into the soft skin under my jaw.

 

Goku sat back and looked at Sanzo with wide-eyes. I stared into Sanzo's eyes and swore I saw lust flash through them. I knew he was remembering the last time he'd held the gun on me and the mind blowing sex we'd had. I could see it in his face. I let my breath out slowly and slid my eyes away from him. I was hoping he'd recognize the gesture for the submissive one it was. My surrender to him always pushed his erotic buttons. It pushed mine too and the addition of his gun in our play was a kinky treat we both enjoyed. He pressed the gun fractional harder into my skin and I couldn't help the tiny sound of arousal I made. I knew he heard it. He slid the gun teasingly down my throat before he put it away and sat back down in his seat. He slouched down and folded his arms across his chest but I could almost taste his want.

 

Fuck, but I wanted to lick his entire body.

 

Sanzo cranked up the pissy attitude but I figured it was just frustrated desire. I was feeling more than a little of that myself. If I didn't think he'd actually shoot me, I might have tried to get Hakkai to stop the jeep for a little lunch time quickie. Fuck, but having Sanzo hold a loaded gun on me worked my kink buttons hard.

 

Sanzo stayed quiet the rest of the day. His bitchy attitude even kept Hakkai from trying to talk to him. The hit Goku took from Sanzo's fan must have been harder than I thought. The noisy monkey didn't make a peep the rest of the day which was fine by me. I studied Sanzo as we drove. I'd no idea admitting to myself that I actually loved the pissy monk would mean that I'd want him more. I was working myself up into a raging need and he wasn't even doing anything to encourage that. He glanced just once into the rear view mirror and I caught his eyes. I let him see how much I wanted him. How much I needed to feel him. His cheeks pinkened and he jerked his gaze away. I smiled and closed my eyes as I fantasized about playing with his sensitive nipples while I tongue fucked his mouth.

 

By the time we pulled into the dusty little town at the end of the day, I was ready to just shove Sanzo hard against the first solid surface I could and molest him. I needed a cold shower. Or to stop thinking about how much I needed to feel his body sliding against mine. Who'd have thought that loving somebody would make you want them so much more?

 

I noticed that everybody else seemed tense and I wondered what I'd missed while I'd been dreaming of slipping my cock into Sanzo's tight ass. I almost asked Hakkai when I felt Sanzo's eyes on the back of my head. I turned to find him staring at me with what I could only call longing. The expression only lasted a few seconds but it made me ridiculously happy. Sanzo glared at me, clenched his fists and stomped into the inn. Goku seemed to have recovered from his fan induced quiet and chattered on about the food the inn might have.

 

I was surprised that Sanzo got a room of his own. I liked the idea. It meant that we could really have a good time without having to worry about waking Goku or Hakkai with moans and groans. Sanzo was surprisingly vocal when he finally relaxed some of his rigid control. I liked the sounds he made. It made me try even harder to pull more of them from him. Hearing him moan and pant my name was incredibly erotic to me and I thought that it might even be possible for me to get off just hearing him say my name as he came.

 

Keeping the possibilities of what I could do to Sanzo with a private room for the night in mind, I did everything I could during supper to entice the monk into going to bed early. I held his eyes as I licked a sticky sauce from my fingers, imagining my fingers were Sanzo's cock and doing to them what I wanted to be doing to Sanzo's dick. I knew he caught on to my little game when lust flashed through his eyes. I didn't expect him to growl at us and leave the table like he did. I would have followed him but there was something about his expression when he left that warned me to leave him alone for a while. Maybe I'd teased him too much during the day even though I'd barely said a word.

 

I sighed a little in disappointment but moved on to a game of cards after supper was done. Thankfully, Hakkai went to sit at the bar. I hated playing cards with him for real money. He had the damnedest luck with the cards. Goku followed a young serving girl who'd been batting her eyes at him during the meal back towards the kitchen at the promise of more sweets if he helped her clean the pots. I laughed softly to myself at the thought that the monkey was more interested in the sweets than the sweet girl trying to put the moves on him.

 

I only managed to focus on the cards in front of me through sheer force of will. My mind kept trying to replay images of Sanzo naked, sweaty and aroused. Not that I was really stopping myself from mentally watching the erotic film in my head. But remembering Sanzo panting with arousal was seriously screwing with my ability to concentrate on winning. Not to mention that it was making my pants damn uncomfortable.

 

I had a nice sized pile of cash in front of me when Sanzo stalked up to the table and glared at the locals I was currently fleecing. They stammered excuses and left the table as fast as they could scoop up their winnings. Sanzo was dressed in only his jeans, leather shirt and armbands. Fuck but he looked sexy dressed like that. I could see desire still simmered in Sanzo. I smirked at him and raised my glass to him in a toast before tossing back the little bit left in the bottom. He jerked his head towards the stairs and spun around without saying another word. He stopped at the base of the stairs and looked back at me. There was command in those wonderful purple eyes of his and excitement built in me.

 

I gathered up my winnings and walked slowly towards him, putting a sexy little swing in my hips. His tongue darted out and he licked his lips before scowling at me. I paused beside him at the foot of the stairs and leaned into his personal space. I gave him a smile that was heated and full of sexual promise.

 

“A private room, Sanzo? You have plans for my ass tonight?” I asked in a voice that was low and rough and that I knew pushed his sexual buttons.

 

“Get moving,” Sanzo growled as he grabbed my arm and gave me a shove towards the stairs.

 

I laughed softly and started up the stairs, turned on even more by the bossy attitude. I thought I heard Sanzo snarl at someone but didn't bother to stop and see who was dumb enough to get between Sanzo and what he needed. They'd be lucky if they only got a verbal smack down. I hoped Sanzo didn't have his gun on him. It never looked good when you shot up the locals over a simple misunderstanding. It would also cut down on my time alone with Sanzo while somebody explained and made excuses for Sanzo's less than social behaviour.

 

I entered Sanzo's room and moved to the window before lighting a smoke. I drew in a few steadying puffs as my excitement and desire climbed. I wondered what Sanzo had in mind for tonight. He seemed to be in super-top mode, which was fine with me. Whatever it was, I knew I'd enjoy it. Sex with Sanzo was an absolute delight. The cuddling afterwards was a rare pleasure that I was glad I'd managed to convince Sanzo to do. He needed that gentle touching as much as I wanted to give it to him.

 

When Sanzo entered the room, I gave him a long, slow sensual look from the tips of his sandals to the top of his head. I made sure to linger on the parts of him that held special interest for me. Like his long legs. And his crotch. And his chest. And his face. Hell, I liked all of him. I crushed out my smoke and smiled at him as I waited for him to tell me what he wanted.

 

“Strip and get on the bed,” Sanzo ordered in a voice gone rough with need.

 

“Ah, so we're playing that game tonight,” I said as I felt my pulse speed up. “I should have guessed when you held your gun on me in the jeep.”

 

“Shut up and move,” he growled out as he locked the door behind him and started to take off his clothes.

 

“Yes, master Sanzo,” I replied with a cheeky grin as I shed my clothes and moved to the bed.

 

I watched Sanzo's face and recognized that he was debating between hitting me and just jumping me. I was cool with either one. Actually, given the aggressive mood he seemed to have been in during the day, I was kinda hoping for a little of the rougher stuff. I'd really like it if he pulled out the banishing gun too.

 

I was such a perverted fucker.

 

I lay back on the bed and gripped my hardening cock. I stroked myself as I watched him approach me. I let him see just how much I wanted him. It was more than just being aroused by his body and thoughts of what he was going to be doing to me. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to question where one of us started and the other ended. I wanted his body, yes, but I also wanted his heart, his mind and maybe even his soul.

 

I wanted all of him.

 

Sanzo oozed dominance and my breathing sped up with excitement. I loved these sexual games we played with each other. I trusted him to not hurt me. Well, at least not hurt me in a way that I wouldn't like. He straddled my chest and pressed his cock to my lips. I opened my mouth eagerly and took him inside. The skin of his cock was satiny soft and he tasted faintly musky. I hummed my approval as I swirled my tongue around the head before taking him deeper. I let go of my own cock to enjoy the pleasure of running my hands over his silky skin, stroking his hips and thighs. I stabbed my tongue into the slit of his cock and tasted salty pre-come. A little shiver of pleasure moved through me and I curled my tongue around the shaft as I started to bob my head. I cupped his firm ass and squeezed his cheeks before moving my hand between his legs to roll and play with his balls.

 

Sanzo panted as I played with his body. I wanted to give him as much pleasure as he could stand. To have Sanzo enjoy what I did to and with him increased my own pleasure. I wanted to touch him everywhere. I wanted to play with his sensitive nipples and have him suck on my fingers as I swallowed his cock. The position I was in wasn't the most comfortable for doing those things so I settled for giving him the best damn blow job I could… and I was one talented boy.

 

Sanzo made a small sound of encouragement and suddenly started to pump his hips. I was surprised for half a second. I didn't think I'd been pushing him that fast towards orgasm. The feel of his hard cock sliding in and out of my mouth and his obvious pleasure, made me groan in response and I sucked hard on him. He braced his hands on the wall in front of him and seriously started to fuck my mouth. He was in complete control of the situation and my arousal twisted higher with that knowledge. I loved when he took control of me. I settled my hands on his ass and helped to guide him in a steady rhythm.

 

His eyes closed and he was breathing harshly. Every now and again, I could hear him breathe my name in a broken wanting tone I doubted he realized he was doing. I doubled my efforts to please him. I ignored my own aching cock for the moment. Sanzo's needs were my focus. He'd repay the attention I was giving him later. He shivered and his breath caught when I scraped my teeth over his length so I did it again. I was caught completely off guard when he pushed hard into my mouth and his seed spurted down my throat. When I tried to pull back, he fisted his hand in my hair and held me where I was. I had no choice but to swallow and continue sucking his cock. My own dick throbbed at the erotic power play. I thought I might be able come just from him pulling such a dominating move on me when I was already painfully aroused.

 

“You're not done yet, Gojyo. I want your ass. Make me hard again,” he demanded in a passion heavy voice as he stared into my eyes.

 

His words might have been harsh but the feel of his fingers in my hair were gentle, almost caressing. Lust flashed through me and my cock throbbed. I let a soft whine of pleasure out so he'd know how much I was enjoying this little game of his. I immediately started sucking his cock again. I was so aroused, I damn near hurt. But it was a sweet kind of pain that I liked. I applied every bit of skill I had to sucking his dick and making him hard again. I wanted to feel him slide into my ass. I wanted to feel the pleasure that was so intense I felt like I was going to break into a million pieces. Sanzo would be there to pull all those pieces together and hold onto until I came down from the high of a powerful orgasm he always seemed to pull from me.

 

I needed and wanted Sanzo. He owned my heart and I freely gave him my soul.

 

Either I was better than I thought I was or Sanzo was extra horny. He was hard in a surprisingly short period of time. He pulled his dick from my mouth and let go of my hair. His fingers brushed along one of my antenna and I stopped breathing for a few seconds as lust slammed into me. I'm not sure if he meant to do that but I was now so aroused that my skin actually tingled and I wanted to feel his hands moving over me. I started to sit up but he gave me a narrow-eyed glare as he left the bed.

 

I settled back and licked my lips. I could taste him strongly in my mouth and I wanted to share that flavour with him. He retrieved lube from his bag and came back to the bed. I watched as he squeezed some out into the palm of his hand and slicked his cock. I was surprised when he dropped the tube onto my belly but I didn't move. Sanzo was running this show and he'd tell me when I could move and what he wanted me to do.

 

God but I loved Sanzo's kinky side.

 

“Get yourself ready,” he ordered as he sat back on his heels between my spread legs.

 

I didn't know what Sanzo was up to but the commanding tone he was using was pushing my desire higher. I squirted lube onto my fingers and bent my knees, exposing myself to him. Sanzo slowly stroked his cock as he watched me spread lube over my hole before I eased a finger inside myself. Sanzo made a low sound of approval in his throat and caught my eyes. I groaned at the desire I saw in his beautiful eyes and held his gaze as I started to finger myself like he'd ordered me to. His nipples were hard little buds and the muscles in his stomach tightened as he watched me. I wanted to lick his skin so badly, my mouth watered.

 

I watched him become more and more aroused by what I was doing and slipped another finger in. I moaned as I pressed against my sweet spot. I was teasing the hell out of both of us and enjoying the arousal I was making Sanzo feel. I licked my lips when Sanzo suddenly grabbed my wrist and pulled my fingers from my body. He positioned his cock against my ass and slid inside me with one thrust. I whined with pleasure and watched as his eyes closed and an expression of ecstasy washed over his face. I clenched my muscles tight and shivered at his soft hiss of desire. He held himself still for several seconds and he looked so beautiful caught up in his lust that I just had to kiss him. I reached up and threaded my fingers through his silky hair, cupping the back of his head to pull him down to me. Sanzo's eyes snapped open and he glared at me as he jerked his head away.

 

“Hands above your head. Hold onto the headboard and don't let go,” he growled at me.

 

I opened my mouth to protest. I wanted to kiss him. I'd been waiting all damn day to taste his mouth. Sanzo narrowed his eyes at me and something about his expression set off warning bells in my head but I couldn't quite figure out what it was that bothered me about it. He held my gaze until I did what he wanted. After this little kink was played out, he was going to explain what that strange look meant. I was willing to go along with what he wanted… for a time.

 

Sanzo looked down our bodies and groaned softly. My eyes followed his and I found myself echoing his sound. Damn, but if it wasn't one of the most erotic things to see his groin pressed tight against me and feel his cock in my ass. He started to pump my ass with long, hard strokes. I sucked in my breath sharply at the sensation of his forceful thrusts and closed my eyes as I made pleasure filled noises. I braced my feet on the bed and pushed my hips up to meet every rough push.

 

I felt sweat gather on my skin and the scent of sex and musk filled the air. I was panting harshly as every time Sanzo shoved his cock in, he nailed my sweet spot. I'm almost positive he was doing it on purpose just to drive me crazy and make me beg for more. My hands were starting to hurt from the grip I was forcing myself to keep on the bars of the headboard. I wanted to touch Sanzo. I needed to touch him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and press his skin against mine. I wanted to feel my cock rub between our bellies as he pushed me towards orgasm. I strained and bowed my back in an effort to get more contact with him and gave a frustrated little whimper when the only skin I could feel was his cock inside me and the silky skin of his hips as they brushed against the insides of my thighs. It wasn't enough. I wanted more.

 

“Sanzo, touch me,” I pleaded as I opened my eyes and caught his gaze.

 

Sanzo just looked at me and continued with his steady rhythm. That strange look was back in his eyes and I felt a whisper of unease. The next hard thrust with a little twist of his hips made me arch into him and forget all about strange looks and alarm bells.

 

“Sanzo, please. Touch me. Just a little. I don't care where,” I implored again as my voice dropped lower.

 

Sanzo's eyes were a dark purple and totally merciless. His deep strokes were both a pleasure and a torture.

 

“Sanzo, I need to feel your hands on me. Please. Touch me. Anywhere you want. Touch my chest, my face, my cock, whatever. I have to feel you against my skin. Please, Sanzo,” I begged.

 

His pace faltered for a moment when I begged before he continued with his rough strokes that were slowly driving me mental from the pleasure.

 

“Sanzo, master, please touch me. Stroke my cock. Play with my nipples. Tease my antenna. Do whatever you want, just touch me. I need to feel you touch me. Please. Just touch me and let me come,” I begged Sanzo in a voice barely above a whisper.

 

I was so close already, it wouldn't have taken much. I couldn't help the moan of delight when Sanzo closed his fingers around my cock. He started to really put effort into fucking me into the mattress and he began to make those erotic noises I loved to hear from him. His cock felt so damn good inside me, his hand stroking my dick, that I knew I was moaning in a continuous stream of pleasure. Those moans of pleasure were getting damn close to turning into the demon song I only sang for Sanzo. He hadn't asked me to sing for him so I struggled against the urge to do so. I'd promised him I wouldn't use any demonic powers on him, even if they brought him pleasure, unless he asked me to. But it was damn hard not to.

 

I heard him groan a denial seconds before he slammed his hips tight to my ass and I felt his cock start spurting. A shudder wracked his body and he drew in huge gulps of air. His fingers tightened around my cock and he jerked me exactly the way I liked it. He muttered the command for me to come and pure pleasure flowed through me at that demand. Seeing and feeling Sanzo lose his control while still keeping control over me, pushed me that last little bit over the edge and I groaned as my own orgasm rushed through my body.

 

Sanzo watched me through half-lidded eyes and was panting just as harshly as I was. His gaze fixed on to my throat and he licked his lips. His head started to move down and I made a noise of encouragement. I wanted to feel his lips. I needed the intimacy of a kiss with him. Sanzo reacted to my wordlessly encouraging him for a kiss by jerking his head back. He quickly pulled out of my ass and released my dick. I wanted to protest the sudden loss of contact with him. I watched him through my eyelashes as I tried to calm my breathing. He wiped his hand off on the bed sheet and got up from the bed quickly. Something was wrong, very wrong.

 

Alarm bells were screaming in my head now.

 

I opened my eyes slowly and let go of the headboard. I used the edge of the sheet to wipe off my own belly. I turned my head to look at Sanzo where he stood tensely near the window, smoking. His body language spoke of anger and tension and I didn't know why. He should have been relaxed and mellow. That he hadn't come back to the bed to share a smoke with me and let me hold him wasn't a good omen. It was the one thing I'd asked of him from the beginning and something he'd always let me do; token protest or not. He took one last drag on his smoke before crushing it out. He still didn't move back towards me and the bed. When he started to drag on clothes without saying a damn thing to me, things started to fall into place in my head and I suddenly felt sick and dirty.

 

What I was thinking couldn't possibly be right.

 

“Sanzo?” I asked with a puzzled expression and a really bad feeling in my gut.

 

“Be gone before I get back,” Sanzo said coldly as he threw his jeans and shirt on and headed for the door.

 

I swallowed hard and drew in a steadying breath. The rough, almost detached sex, not allowing me to touch him... it wasn't some kind of kinky game Sanzo had been playing with me. I'd felt used like this a few times before. Nameless, faceless, interchangeable bodies that were just used to relieve sexual need. I never expected to feel that kind of thing from Sanzo. Not even the first time with Sanzo, when it was just about relieving a sexual need, had I felt anything even remotely like that. I'd never felt as hollow inside or as dirty as I did now though. There was a hell of a lot of difference between having a nameless stranger treat you that way and the person you loved treating you that way. I'd screwed up. I'd been so consumed with wanting him that I hadn't read the signs he'd been giving me. I'd shown him a little too much about how I felt with that kiss in the cave. He'd been telling me without words that while I was good enough to fuck, that's all I'd ever be. A convenient screw to relieve his needs.

 

This was so not happening.

 

“Sanzo, what the fuck?” I asked unable to hide the hurt in my voice.

 

Sanzo didn't even turn to look at me when he left the room without another word. I sat on the bed and felt numb shock. I thought I knew Sanzo. I thought he'd been coming to realize that we could have something together. Why did he do this? I hadn't told him I loved him. Fuck, I'd only told him I liked him once. Would having somebody love him be that scary for him?

 

Or was it just because it was me?

 

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to think of all the times and all the people who'd rejected me because of what I was. I did not hear my step-mother's voice in my head as she screamed at me that nobody could ever love a dirty little half breed. My chest felt tight and I bowed my head for a moment to get a grip. I'd been rejected before. I knew I'd be rejected again in the future. I could deal with this. I was hurt now but the anger at being treated as Sanzo had just done would come later.

 

I just wished that it didn't hurt so damn much now.

 

I dressed quickly and left the room. I headed for the bar. I needed a drink, badly. My plans for the evening had just changed dramatically. I was now going to get shit-faced drunk. As soon as I stepped into the bar, my eyes were drawn to Sanzo. Hakkai was next to him and after taking one look at me, he looked back at Sanzo. I knew I hadn't been able to hide how I was feeling when I saw Hakkai's mask of politeness slip for a split second when he looked at Sanzo. Hakkai said something to Sanzo, grabbed his beer and made a beeline for me. He steered me towards a table in the corner of the room and signalled the waitress over. He ordered a beer for me and fixed me with his no-nonsense stare.

 

“Gojyo,” Hakkai asked with a wealth of meaning put into my name.

 

“Not now, Hakkai. I can't right now. I want to get smashed,” I said in a low voice.

 

“It helps to talk about things sometimes. I'm your friend, Gojyo. I'm a good listener.”

 

“Leave it, Hakkai.”

 

“Alright. When you do feel like you need to talk about it, I'll be here for you. Do you want me to leave you alone?” he asked softly.

 

I thought about it for a few minutes. Hakkai watched me with understanding and support in his gaze. I didn't want to be alone but I didn't exactly want company either. Hakkai wasn't company. He was my best friend and he'd sit there and drink with me and not say shit unless I asked him a question first. Hakkai was good that way. He'd make sure I got back to the room in one piece when I was too hammered to figure out how to get there by myself. I shook my head and slouched in my seat, long practice making my hair fall forward to hide my face. The waitress came back with my beer and I drained the glass in a few swallows. I signalled the girl to bring more.

 

I saw Hakkai look up over my shoulder. The disapproving look on his face was enough to tell me he was probably staring at Sanzo in the mirror over the bar. Part of me wanted to tell him to leave Sanzo alone. The other part wanted to have Hakkai rip him a new hole. Hakkai had a wicked way with words. He knew how to wound with a few choice phrases that sounded polite but were anything but. People thought Hakkai was the nice, rational one. He was probably the most insane one out of all four of us and it was a very bad move to get on his bad side. I had a nice little flash of malicious pleasure knowing that Sanzo had just now entered Hakkai's shit list.

 

Yeah, I still felt like I'd had a knife stabbed through my heart but I was starting to get good and pissed at Sanzo. I hadn't asked him to love me back. I'd never even asked the pissy bastard if he liked me. I tossed back yet another beer and started on the next one. I glared at Sanzo over my shoulder. It's not like he didn't enjoy what we did together. I'd shown him things that he never knew he'd like. I'd let him do things to me that I hadn't let anyone else do. I'd fucking trusted him and let him get close. I fumed at Sanzo's back and drained my glass before thumping it back down on the table.

 

Sanzo had been the one to approach me. He'd been the one who'd started this whole damn thing. He knew exactly what I was better than any person I'd ever shared my bed with. I'd created and sang a demon song for him alone for fucks sake! Did he even know or care what kind of special thing that was? One little passion filled kiss from me shouldn't have made him treat me like he did. Nobody deserved to be used like he used me. I glared at Sanzo's back and drained yet another beer. I was starting to think about doing him some serious bodily harm.

 

I felt him move towards me. I didn't need to see him move. I just knew when he was close to me. I could feel his presence or aura or whatever like a touch against my skin. I thought he might have been coming to say something to me. When it looked like he was going to just walk past the table without saying a damn thing, my temper boiled over. I reached out and grabbed his arm and yanked him almost into my lap. I had to struggle not to press my nose into his hair. He smelled of booze, cigarettes, sex and very faintly of me. I was pissed off that he could so casually toss me away and yet I still wanted him. It wasn't fair.

 

“I don't know what your fucking problem is, Sanzo. I may be nothing more than a dirty half breed but not even I deserved that. If you wanted to call it quits, all you had to do was tell me.”

 

I let go of him and pushed him away from me in one motion. I had to or I'd do something stupid like tell him that if he only wanted me in his bed I'd take it. I was pathetic and a fool. Sanzo had been clear enough in his actions that he didn't want me anymore. I still had some shreds of pride left. I ignored him when he stumbled a little and looked at Hakkai.

 

Hakkai's face was blank but his hands were tight on the glass in front of him. He wanted to say something but we were in a public place and I didn't think what he wanted to say was very polite. Hakkai nodded stiffly to Sanzo and he deliberately clutched his glass as if he wanted to do some serious hurting to the bastard monk. Sanzo stiffened his spine and marched out of the bar without saying a word. I heard a door slam not long after Sanzo left.

 

I stood and wavered ever so slightly on my feet. Too many beers in too short a time. I'd achieved my goal. I was shit-faced. It didn't help. I could still feel the pain of Sanzo's rejection. Hakkai stood as well, solid as a rock, and guided me up the stairs towards our room. We both heard the sound of a fist hitting a wall as we passed by Sanzo's room and my steps slowed for a moment. Part of me wanted to go to him but a bigger, more wounded and angry part hoped he enjoyed sleeping alone in his cold bed that would smell of sex and us.

 

Hakkai steered me to our room and helped me take off my boots and vest. He tucked me into bed like a child and sighed heavily. I closed my eyes and rolled to my side and faced the wall. If there was going to be any emotional crap, I didn't want Hakkai or Goku to see it. I felt Hakkai's hand stoke my hair briefly and was startled when he kissed me on the forehead.

 

“Things will work out, Gojyo. You'll see. When you need to talk…” he trailed off softly as he left the room.

 

My chest felt tight and there was a suspicious prickle in my eyes. I hoped Hakkai was right. Even after being treated like a worthless piece of ass, I still loved Sanzo and wanted to be with him. I wanted to make him realize that he could have something special with me if he was brave enough to grab it. I was seven kinds of fool. He'd been pretty fucking clear that he didn't want me.

 

But I was a fool in love and I just couldn't give up on something I wanted so badly it was an ache deep in my soul to be denied it.