Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Apogee ❯ Chapter XX ( Chapter 20 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not owned by me, it is owned by Maki Murakami. I own nothing.

Author's Note: Ok, here is the next part. I hope you enjoy it.



Shuichi pushed the noodles on his plate from one spot to another, lost in thought and not at all interested in food. He knew Hiro was watching him, waiting to make sure he ate something, but he didn't care, his mind was elsewhere. Bad Luck had been back in Japan almost a month, and their album was to be released the next day, but Shuichi couldn't feel excited about it. He hadn't felt excited about any of it. He had spent the time since the band came back rehearsing and going to various television and radio appearances, singing and trying to fool everyone into believing he hadn't a care in the world. He sighed, remembering when he had let the mask falter a bit the night before. They had done a performance on a popular show that involved both a song and an interview. To spice things up, the song they would sing would be requested by the audience. Shuichi had been dreading it, having a good idea what song was likely to be requested, and not sure he would be able to sing it. When the lucky fan that was randomly chosen from the audience requested 'In The Moonlight' Shuichi knew a little too much of his relief had shown. Hiro had given him an all-too-knowing look, and the rest of the fans in the audience had sounded disappointed. He knew that had almost any other girl been chosen, he would have had to sing 'Fate.' He'd been avoiding singing it; it just hurt too much to even think the words.

His thoughts drifted from the night before. He had been avoiding a lot of things in the last month. He had been avoiding the NG building, Ryuichi, and especially Seguchi Tohma, for starters. By staying away from the studio, he had been able to mostly avoid Sakuma and Seguchi, but he hadn't been able to avoid Hiro and his searching gaze and insistence he eat, even if Shuichi insisted he wasn't hungry. Shuichi always tried to eat a little bit, just to keep Hiro from reporting to Sakano and K that he wasn't eating, but food always made him sick to his stomach. He couldn't get Tohma's parting words out of his head. He had fallen for Tohma just as he had fallen for Yuki, hard and fast, and after losing Yuki, the blow of losing Tohma in such a harsh way had broken something inside him. He had mourned for Yuki, and neglected himself. There had even been times where he had thought that it would be easier to just give up and die. Now, after Tohma's complete rejection of him, after he had returned to Japan only for Tohma, after he had offered everything he was, the only thing he could do was put on an act. His entire life now was nothing but an act. None of it meant anything to him, anymore.

He knew Hiro wasn't fooled, and he really doubted that Sakano or K was, either, but there was nothing he could do about it. The only times when he felt as though he could let go were when he was singing. The rest of it, the radio and television interviews, and the CD signings, all of it was nothing. He felt nothing more than an intense desire for it to be over so he could drop the mask he wore, stop being fake and perform. He hadn't cried a single tear since the day Tohma had signed the transfer. He had left the NG building in tears, so upset he hadn't paid attention to anything or anyone. He had been fairly sure he had knocked a few people down and he vaguely remembered nearly being hit by a truck, but other than that, all he could remember was a pain so deep and so sharp it had eclipsed all else. He had spent the night in the park where he had first met Yuki, sitting under a tree hidden from the path by a large bush. He knew Yuki often went there still to walk and think when he was having trouble with his writing, and Shuichi had seen him walk past that night. His first instinct had been to run to Yuki, cry on his shoulder and pour out his troubles to him. He had even started to move, but found it to be too much effort. He was tired, but every time he closed his eyes he saw the cold expression on Tohma's face and heard the words that had broken him. He had finally settled on watching Yuki walk away. Yuki couldn't change things, and there was no point in looking for comfort where there was none to be found. When the sun came up, he had wiped away the last of his tears and gone home. He hadn't cried since.

He had spent the two days until Hiro and the others returned lying in his bed and staring at the television, completely unaware of what was on. After that, he had allowed them to make him get out of bed and start attending the numerous appearances their weeks had been filled with. Today was the first morning off they had had in more than a week. This evening, they had another television show to appear on, and then tomorrow, they were to start filming the video for 'Fate.' He pushed the noodles on his plate around for another minute, and then looked at the clock. K was coming for them in half an hour, and Shuichi decided to spend the time lying down and hoping he wouldn't vomit. He heard Hiro saying something about needing to eat to have enough energy, but he didn't care about that. They were special guests that evening on a new program that Shuichi couldn't even remember the name of, but that didn't matter to him. Nittle Grasper was also scheduled to appear, which meant he would most likely run into Tohma and have to share the stage with him. His mask would be tested to the fullest, and he wasn't sure it would be up to the test.

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Shuichi sat quietly in the makeup chair as the artist worked her magic. He had worked with the woman before, on other shows for this station, and he knew that when she was done, no one would be able to tell that there were dark circles under his eyes or that he had barely slept in the last two days. He had fallen asleep while waiting for K, but the short nap had been the product of complete exhaustion and had only served to make him feel worse. Then, during their half-hour of rehearsal time, Tohma had appeared. They had been in the middle of a song, the first single from this album, and all it had taken was for Tohma to raise his hand, and they all stopped. Shuichi had done all he could to keep a blank look on his face and not show that he was feeling anything at all as Tohma had announced that he had promised the show's producer that they would play 'Fate' on his show for the first time. It had been all Shuichi had been able to do to not start shaking with rage and fear. Tohma knew why the song had been written, Shuichi had told him when he had blurted out so foolishly that he loved Tohma, he had to know that singing that song with Tohma listening would be difficult to say the least.

He had to remind himself that the man who would be listening was not the man he had fallen in love with. He had to remind himself that the Tohma he had fallen in love with was not the President of NG records, nor was he the legendary keyboardist of Nittle Grasper. The Tohma he had fallen in love with had been a fabrication, nothing more than a character created and designed with the express purpose of using his body. If Hiro hadn't recognized what was going on, Shuichi had no idea how long the deception would have continued. How long it would have taken Tohma to grow tired of him and cast him away, Shuichi couldn't say and didn't even want to think about.

Shuichi opened his eyes as the makeup artist announced she was finished and sent him next door to the hair stylist. She had done her work well, though he could still tell how tired he was, but he thought that likely had to do with the way his vision kept blurring slightly. He had held hope that tonight he might be able to get some sleep, but that hope had been slowly evaporating as the evening wore on and his nerves became more and more strained. He sat patiently as the stylist brushed and sprayed his hair into an appearance of being artfully windblown, and then went back to the dressing room to wait for their turn on the stage. He normally waited in the green room, but they always had a television going to show where the production was at so the guests would know when their turn was coming up. Shuichi didn't want to watch Nittle Grasper perform, he didn't want to see Ryuichi and Tohma answering the questions of the host, he didn't want to face anything that might make his mask fall. So he waited patiently in his dressing room, until a stagehand appeared to tell him it was time. He left with the mask firmly in place, proud that it didn't crack when he passed Tohma in the hall on his way to the wings where he waited with Hiro and Suguru for them to be introduced.

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Tohma waited patiently as the audience was seated. The producer had wanted to put Grasper as the final guest so they could be interviewed before they performed and get a longer time with the host, but Tohma had insisted otherwise. Nittle Grasper's new single had released the previous week, but Bad Luck's album was releasing tomorrow, so they needed more promotion at the moment. He had sweetened the deal by promising the man the first televised performance of 'Fate.' He had felt his stomach tighten as he said the words, and had felt it tighten further as he had informed Bad Luck during their rehearsal of the change in a tone that had left no opening for argument. Shuichi had obviously done his best to hide his reluctance, but Tohma could tell that if there had been any way out of it, he would have taken it. Tohma hated himself more every day for the way he was treating Shuichi, but he kept his resolve that it was necessary. Shuichi would bounce back any day now, he was sure of it. If nothing else, he was sure that when Bad Luck went on tour in another month, Shuichi would snap out of this funk he was in. Performing was in his blood, just like it was in Tohma's and he knew that the approval of a crowd of adoring fans went far toward healing the hurts of self-doubt.

He closed his eyes briefly, leaning back against the wall beside him as he waited. His stomach was burning; he felt nausea growing and fought it back. Now was not the time for this. He had to continue to be strong; he had to be the calm, cool, collected bastard everyone expected him to be. He hated that face, that persona that everyone came to expect. He wanted, for once, to be able to express himself honestly and openly, but he knew the industry, and he knew business, and the vultures would eat him alive if he showed even a moment of weakness. The stage manager gave the signal, the director started the countdown, and they took their places while the crowd was still trying to figure out who was on the darkened stage, waiting to perform the opening number.

The lights came up, colored spots danced around them, and they struck the opening chords of their new single. The audience went wild, and he was glad there would be a chance for editing before the show aired to avoid the music being completely lost in the reaction of the crowd. They settled as Ryuichi began to sing, and Tohma felt his troubles melt away as he centered his focus on the music and felt the energy being returned from the audience. The rise and fall of volume and intensity as he played and sung the backup vocals with Noriko took him with it, his excitement building to a peak that was almost orgasmic. As the song reached the end, driving to a sudden stop, the lights dropped to single red spot on Ryuichi before blacking completely for a full second.

Tohma took a deep breath in the black as he followed the small glowing rod the stagehand held to guide them backstage to have their makeup hurriedly retouched while the host spoke to the audience before calling them out for their interview. He kept his eyes closed as the makeup artists patted the sweat from his face and applied more powder, pressing a bottle of water into this hand before melting away. Tohma sipped at the water and concentrated on his breathing and by the time the host called them out, he looked as though he had been sitting in the air-conditioned green room instead of under the hot stage lights performing one of the hottest songs in the nation.

The audience cheered when they were announced, but it was all background noise to Tohma now. He heard and responded simply to the host's questions, letting Noriko take some and making sure Ryuichi got to say hi to the audience and wave Kumagoro, at which several squealed and he thought he saw one girl in the front row nearly faint. The questions were all easy ones, just things about how the new album was going, did they enjoy touring, and did they plan to tour anytime soon. It had become a standard part of Grasper's contract since his divorce became public when Mika remarried that they not be asked about the divorce, so they often just answered the same questions on every show they were on.

When the interview was over, Ryuichi wanted to return to the green room and wait for Bad Luck so he could watch them perform. Tohma was hesitant, feeling his stomach twist at the thought, but he agreed, knowing he should watch the performance in a professional capacity. He tried to deny that he wanted to watch just to see Shuichi sing, to see him without the mask he'd been putting up lately. The few times Tohma had seen him lately, Shuichi had been distant to everyone. He kept up a carefully constructed pretense that nothing had changed him, but Tohma could see Hiro's frustration at being held apart from Shuichi. If Shuichi wasn't careful, he thought, he'd end up like Eiri.

Tohma's stomach twisted again at that thought and he took a deep breath to help calm the nausea. When he opened his eyes he saw Noriko and Ryuichi giving him odd looks and smiled at them, shaking his head and gesturing to the television set where they could see Bad Luck being announced for their interview. Ryuichi's attention was instantly captured and he bounced slightly in his chair as he watched. Noriko watched Tohma for a second longer before turning, giving him a look that he couldn't decipher. He turned as well and watched as the host asked some of the same canned questions Bad Luck had been asked on similar shows lately: when did the tour start, how long would it be, were they looking forward to one stop over another? The three gave the answers easily, and deftly steered around saying whether they liked one town better than another when they toured, simply saying that they looked forward to seeing their fans all over Japan, and they would do their best at every concert. When the host asked his next question, Tohma didn't realize how he leaned forward in his seat and rested his elbows on his knees, and he didn't see that Noriko saw and nudged Ryuichi, pointing out this odd behavior.

"So, your new single, Fate, is so different from everything else on the album, what was the difference in inspiration for you?"

"Umm, well, most of this was written at a difficult time in my life. I was struggling with a breakup and that came through. Fate was written afterward, when I thought I'd found someone else." Shuichi was obviously uncomfortable, and Tohma hoped the host would find another line of questioning, but the man latched on to Shuichi's words and pursued the new tidbit of information he could tell was close.

"You thought you'd found someone else?"

"Umm, yeah. It didn't work out." The host took his clue from Shuichi's suddenly closed expression, and moved on. Tohma sat back in the chair, still not noticing that Ryuichi was watching him as intently as he had watched Shuichi a moment before, with an expression that no one would ever mistake for 'child-like.'

When the host made the announcement that Bad Luck would perform after the commercial break, Tohma stood and went to his dressing room to remove the makeup on his face and change his clothes. His body had cooled from performing and his shirt felt clammy clinging to his back as it was. He locked the door behind himself and stripped, stepping into the small shower unit in the room and letting the warm water quickly wash away the worst of the sweat while he scrubbed his face to get rid of the makeup. As he dried himself he tried to keep the closed expression he'd seen on Shuichi's face out of his mind. All it needed was a smile that didn't reach the eyes and he'd be looking at a close copy of the face he saw in the mirror, when he could stand to look.

He returned to the green room a few minutes later, impeccably dressed as always, his hair still a little damp but not enough to wet the collar of his shirt. Ryuichi was crouched on the ground in front of the television and Noriko was standing nearby, firmly telling him he absolutely could not go on stage and sing with Shuichi. Ryuichi pouted at her before he saw Tohma, then got up and ran at Tohma.

"Tohma, let me go sing, please! Shuichi is so sad, he needs to be happy. I can make him be happy!"

Tohma looked at Ryuichi's pleading face and shook his head. "No, Ryuichi, Shuichi needs to make it through this without you."

Ryuichi turned and went back to the television, pouting and muttering about Tohma being mean. Tohma sat on the couch, turning his attention to the performance. He had missed about half the song, he realized, but he knew that Ryuichi was right. The speed was the same, and Shuichi was definitely in top form as far as voice went, but the joy was missing. Shuichi's eyes were sad, and there were slow tears running down his cheeks. As the song came to a close, Shuichi dropped to his knees and hung his head and the crowd went wild. Hiro grabbed Shuichi and pulled him to his feet, guiding him offstage while the show's security kept the screaming fans in the seating area. Tohma stepped out to return to his dressing room and gather his things and paused to let Hiro pass, carrying Shuichi, who had apparently passed out once they got off stage. He checked the immediate urge to go make sure Shuichi was ok, instead opting for a quick word with K.

After being assured that Shuichi's condition was exhaustion from the pace of appearances and performances in the past month, Tohma gathered his things and left the studio. He got into his car and reluctantly instructed the driver to take him home, knowing all he had waiting for him was work and bad dreams.