Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Forever Gone, Forever You (revised) ❯ Chapter Six: Listen to the Rain ( Chapter 6 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Crimsonreverse 
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.03.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 242 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.03.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 242 | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: BLAH!
Author’s Note: Enjoy, nothing much to say . . .
“I close my eyes and wonder if what I’m feeling is true. Could this possibly be love . . . or is it lust?”
Shuichi Shindou, Bad Luck
Chapter Six: Listen to the Rain
[A/N: I decided not to go through major detail with the dinner date, but went straight to the point of them walking home. To sum everything up, they went out to eat and then to a bar. Now they just left and their heading home. I’m warning you, this is pretty intense!]
“Raiden . . . you know, I never thought I would say this, but I’m going to say it.” Shuichi slurred as he walked ahead of Raiden. Staggering along the way, he couldn’t believe he got drunk.
Raiden didn’t say anything as he followed closely behind him, making sure he doesn’t fall or anything. Holding both of their coats, he knew it was at least midnight and they would have to work tomorrow with a killer headache. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he starts feeling around, realizing he brought some of his medicine with him to take. Grasping them in his hand, he pulled them out and stared down at the pills. Feeling completely drawn to them, he was about to pop them into his mouth, until he saw Shuichi come up and stop him. Shuichi realize that he was basically walking around, when he turned around and saw Raiden taking out pills. And without thinking, he stopped him, grabbing his wrist and took the pills out of his hand. Throwing them on the ground, he glared at Raiden, wondering what the hell he was doing. Not sure whether to be angry with Shuichi, he couldn’t help but lashed out.
“What the hell did you do that for? I needed to take my medication, why did you stop me!” he snapped at Shuichi smiled, coming closer to him. Cringing slightly, he could smell the heavy alcohol on his breath, wondering what the hell he has been drinking.
Staring at Raiden, he saw that he was mad. He wanted to see the real him, not some drugged up one. Reaching for him, he placed his hand on his cheek, tracing down until his fingers stopped at his chin. Keeping his hand there, he smiled wildly. “That’s much . . . better. I want to see the real you, without the drugs. I’m tired always wondering if you are truly this happy or just as miserable as I am. Tell me Raiden . . . what are the pills for? What mental illness did those fucking doctor’s give you?”
Looking at him, he didn’t feel like discussing his problems right now. He needed to get Shuichi home and he needed to go home himself. He was tired and becoming considerably frustrated. “C’mon, we need to go. It’s getting late and we have to go to work tomorrow. I really don’t want to have a huge headache and I know you don’t either.”
Shuichi pouted as he moved closer to him. Barely touching his lips, he didn’t want to go home, not yet. He was having too much fun hanging out with Raiden. He wanted to know everything about him. What he likes to eat, what he likes to watch. What pisses him off the most, what makes him think. He was fascinated with him, he wanted to know everything. “Not until you tell me what those pills are for, then I’ll let you go and we can leave.” He whispered huskily, as his other arm snake its way around Raiden’s waist. Holding him, he wasn’t leaving and Raiden knew he was seriously, regardless if he was drunk.
Looking down at him, he sighed frustrated as he answered the singer’s questions. “I’m bipolar alright; I need to take those so I don’t have another episode. There, can we leave now?” he felt edgy and needed to go home quickly. He could feel his emotions switching on him and he didn’t want to hurt Shuichi.
Groaning, he rolled his eyes, moving slightly back but the closeness was still there. Moving his other arm around his waist, Shuichi shook his head. “Bipolar eh . . . you don’t seem like the type. Tell me, was it because of Kei you become like this . . . so emotional?” he taunted, wanting to poke so more, meddle in places he knew he shouldn’t have. It wasn’t his fault, the alcohol buzz through his head, making him like this.
Gritting his teeth, he tried pushing Shuichi away, but the singer only held tighter. He couldn’t take it; he felt too close to him and wanted to get away as possible. Above, the skies drew in black clouds as thunder roared, letting them know about the rain. Right after the first lighten flash, rain poured from the clouds down to the earth as it was heavy. Landing on both band mates, Shuichi blinked a couple of times, looking up at the sky with a smile. Feeling the cool rain touch his skin, his hair started to press against his forehead, covering some of his hair slightly. Raiden groaned lowly, feeling the water trickle down his back. His hair also pressed against his head, covering blue eyes. Looking back at Raiden, he sucked in the air as he saw how cute he looked in the rain. To him, Raiden look like an innocent child, with blue eyes that were wide and his hair covering them. He could see his emotions clearly now, was he also psychic.
“It’s alright . . . I know you want to leave, but then again you don’t. I’m sorry for tossing your pills away, but this is the person I wanted to see, the real you. The person who suffer so much come from behind the sugar coated Prozac and appear on the surface. If you are able to look pass all that pain and then maybe you could just be yourself.” He spoke to him, seeing Raiden look at him, perplex. Laughing, he could be smart when he wants to; he’s not all that mean.
Feeling his heart quicken, he notice that Shuichi was moving closer again. His breath got caught in his throat, realizing what he was about to do. He don’t want to take this thing too far, he wasn’t ready. Fear was portrayed within his eyes and he knew Shuichi could easily see it, but he kept getting closer. “Don’t . . . I don’t want to hurt you.” He whispered mellifluously as Shuichi stopped an inch from his lips. Watching him chastely smile, he didn’t know what to do right now. He couldn’t get out of Shuichi’s strong hold; all he could do was tremble.
Water dripped from his bangs as he stared Raiden in the eyes. He saw the fear, the nervousness. But he could also see that he wanted this as much as he did. Was the really the true Raiden, this person who is afraid of moving on. He knew he couldn’t move on, but he don’t think it was fear that was stopping him. But Raiden, it was fear of losing something more. “What are you afraid of Raiden . . . please tell me.”
Trembling more he felt himself giving away more than he should. Why was Shuichi asking him that for, he knew perfectly well what he’s afraid of. “Please, I’m not ready for a relationship right now. It’s just too much for me to handle.”
Hearing him, Shuichi shook his head as he came in and capture Raiden’s lips. Kissing him passionately, he felt the entire trembling stop but tension took its place. Tighten his hold on him; he wanted him to never forget this. Raiden didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t respond back. His eyes widen as he looked down and saw violet eyes penetrating his gaze. Why was Shuichi doing this, what was he trying to prove. This was too much for him and he couldn’t take on the pressure. Regardless how he act, he can’t keep leading him on. Deep in his heart, he wanted this, but what was stopping him was his heart. Shuichi broke the semi-passionate kiss as he took a deep breath. Removing his arms from Raiden’s waist, they dropped lazily on his side as he closed his eyes. Letting the rain soak him more, his clothes pressed against his body, showing off his small frame.
“You told me that I should be able to let the past go and move on in the future. And I know I want to, to move on knowing that I have a second chance in life to feel love again. Then I look at you and witness all the fear you have. Are you truly that afraid to move on?”
Raiden lowered his gaze as he felt tears well up in his eyes. This was too much for him; he felt so vulnerable right now. “You don’t understand how it feel to lose someone. I can’t just go up to him and say goodbye. I can’t lose that connection I have with him, even if he died.”
“I don’t understand, how the hell you can say that. Of course I understand what the hell you’re going through. Raiden, I lost the love of my life also, even if he didn’t die. He cheated on me, he abused me, hell he even raped me numbers of times and I still can’t get over him. I can’t sleep because every moment I can still feel his cold hands upon my body, touching me roughly, leaving behind guilt and shame. And in the end, I was the stupid one to keep coming back for more of his abuse. Yuki done so much shit to me, god I wish he was dead. He broke me to pieces, stomp on my shards and threw them away like they were nothing. And in the end, I can’t forget him and move on. You know what that makes me, huh? A fucking masochist . . . a masochist! I want him to hurt me again; all that do is fill my heart with false hopes. I love him, even though he’s getting engage. That what hurts the most, knowing that the person you love more than anything will never love you back!” He shouted as tears pushed their way down his face, mixing with the rain water. Reaching out for Raiden, he held his shoulders as he squeeze them gently. Seeing him look up, he saw tears flow down his cheeks, breaking his heart slowly.
Raiden noticed that Shuichi was also crying as he finally was able to let go of the tears he held. Shaking his head, he didn’t want to feel this way, but he couldn’t stop. “I just can’t say goodbye . . . I just can’t stop loving him.” He broke down as Shuichi pulled him closer and held him in an embrace. Holding him also, he cried as he felt so confused right now.
Listening to his sobs, Shuichi stared into the sky, knowing the feeling. Both of them couldn’t say goodbye, regardless how easy it seem. Holding him tightly, he felt more tears flow as he whisper softly to him. “We just have to face the facts and move on. Just like you told me, all I have to do is look Yuki in the eyes and tell him goodbye. And if goodbye is meant to be forever, then so be it. It’s not the end, but only the beginning of something better. Like I said, I thought I would never say this, but I’m going to say this.”
“Don’t say it . . . please don’t.”
Closing his eyes, he turned his lips to Raiden’s ear, whispering words he know it would hurt both of them. “I want to be with you Raiden . . . I love you.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rai n rolled down the window pane as Shuichi stared out into the world. Holding his cup of tea, it’s been three days it’s been raining and three days since he last saw Raiden. Worried about him, he tried calling him, but all he got was his answer machine. Recalling that night, he knew he confessed his feelings for him, but he knew it was too much. He went too far this time and once again he might lose that person once again. Feeling tears roll down his cheek, he forgot he wasn’t alone in his apartment. Gray eyes looked at him from the table, worried about him. He never seen Shuichi like this before, not only is he distant, but he finally start crying again. Tears seem to come easily to the singer and he begun to worry. Calling Shuichi, he turned away from the window as he pushed away his fallen shame. Smiling faintly, he knew he made Hiro worry, he didn’t want to do it but he felt alone once again.
“I’m sorry Hiro, I know I called you over to join me for lunch, but I’m being a poor host.” He said, moving away from the window and made his way to the table. Placing the cup down, he pulled out a chair and sat down.
Hiro just nodded, wondering what happened to him. He begun changing again once he came to work on Monday. He was smiling and laughing with them, showing that he still possess the old Shuichi. Then in three days, he changed into this depressing person. He wouldn’t talk to anyone and he kept staring at his cell phone. He tried calling Raiden to see what was going on with Shuichi, since he knew he was becoming close, but Raiden wouldn’t answer the phone. He called Sora asking her where was Raiden and she told him she didn’t know. In his mind, he knew something happened between them two and the only way he was going to find out if he asked one of them. Shuichi stared off into the distant as he start thinking about Raiden and what he told him.
Did he really mean what he said, did he truly love him? He was drunk, feelings weren’t real under the influence. But when he whisper those words, they felt so real to him. He knew he started falling for him after their first performance with each other. The conversation they had and the way he made him feel. Raiden was different from Yuki, he actually cared about him. Wanted to get to know him and not push away. He knew that Raiden wanted to be with him, but he was afraid to let go. That hurt him the most, he wasn’t thinking about himself, but only worrying about him. Raiden made that his number one propriety, to worry about him and his problems instead of fixing his. He saw why he said he didn’t want to hurt him, but in the end he end up hurting himself and Raiden. Snapping out of reality, he heard the faint sound of his cell phone ringing as he jumped up and went to get it. Hiro watched as Shuichi’s face brighten at the sound of the phone. Grabbing the phone, he looked down at the screen, but his face faltered as he realize it wasn’t him. Seeing it was Ryuichi, he answered it seeing that he didn’t even call his friend like he been saying he would.
“SHUICHI! Are you alright?” Ryuichi shouted into the phone when Shuichi answered it.
Moving it back, how could he be so loud and cheerful at the same time. Bring the phone to his ear easily, he could hear music in the back ground playing and talking. Recognizing the voices, one was Noriko as she was telling Sora to move over. Wondering what they were doing, he didn’t want to pry. “Hello Ryuichi, I’m sorry for not returning any of your calls. I’ve been . . . busy.” Was all he said before his idol gasped.
Hearing Ryuichi telling them to be quiet he’s talking with him, he heard the girls shout hello as Ryuichi growled. “I’m sorry Shu-chan, I have Noriko and her cute little sister over for lunch today. It’s been a long time since I’ve saw Sora, she’s very . . . um how could I say . . .naughty. So what are you doing?”
Sighing, he really didn’t feel like talking, but he didn’t call him for a while. Leaning against the wall, he stared at the playing television that was on mute. Seeing the concert from Astro on screen, he felt his heart sank more. “I’m just about to cook some lunch for Hiro and I. K gave us the day off today since it’s been raining for awhile.”
Ryuichi made an 'oh' sound as he turned off the music and the sisters gasped. “I see . . . well, are you doing anything later today? Maybe we can hang out at some club or something.”
Sounding like a great idea, he didn’t feel like it. Right now, he felt his heart falling apart and he wanted to find out where Raiden was. “Thanks, but I would have to pass. I’m sorry, but I’m on this new medication and I can’t do anything active for at least a week. Maybe next time.” He made up an excuse, knowing his idol would understand.
“Alright then . . . I hope you feel better. I’ll drop by tomorrow and make sure you are alright. How’s Nao doing? I haven’t heard her meow today.” He asked him about his cat as he looked on the arm chair where she was sleeping.
“She’s doing fine. Bad as ever and loves the toy you got her. Well, I have to go, I need to cook for me and Hiro. Tell Noriko and Sora I say hello.”
“I will! Kuma said hello and bye. Ja Shu-chan. I hope you get better!”
“Thanks . . . bye.”
Hanging up, he sighed sadly as he placed his phone down and returned to the kitchen. Not even looking at Hiro, he went to the fridge. Opening it, he looked inside wondering what he could cook for them, since he already ruin their day. Hiro let out a groan, hating the silence.
“Shuichi, what’s wrong with you? You’re not acting yourself lately. Did something happen between you and Raiden?” he asked, seeing Shuichi’s body tense. Knowing he got something right, he just needed to know what.
Violet eyes closed as he held the tears back. He was vulnerable now and it wasn’t helping by mention Raiden’s name. It was bad enough he wasn’t returning his calls and he haven’t seen him in three days. “It’s the new medicine . . . it tends to make you feel like shit.” He lied, not wanting to talk about it. Grabbing some meat and other ingredients, he closed the door and headed towards the counter.
Knowing he’s lying, Hiro continue to pry, hoping to get an answer. “I don’t believe you Shuichi and you know you’re the worst liar ever. Seriously, I’m worried about you. Your not yourself and these emotions are driving us mad. One minute your all depressed and sad and then the next your all happy and laughing like old times. And each time it has to do when we mention Raiden’s name. He hasn’t been to work in three days and I asked Seguchi-san where he is and he said he’s sick. Something isn’t right, what happened?”
Ignoring him, he didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to have a day where he could just enjoy eating lunch with his friend and not think. Reaching for a knife from the set, he start chopping up the tomatoes, changing the subject. “You know, I never like eating tomatoes. Just the color reminds me of blood, you know. So one day, I was at this restaurant and I order this meal and guess what they had on it . . . tomatoes. I was about to die and I couldn’t get it substituted. So . . . I had to suck it up and eat it. And guess what, I end up liking it. Weird how something so simple can make a person become so complex.”
“Stop changing the subject, Shuichi.”
“I’m not changing the subject. I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“Eventually, you would have to talk about it. We’re all worried about you, you haven’t been yourself. We think you should see a psychologist again, you still have some stuff you want to get off your chest.”
Stop chopping, he gripped the knife tightly between his hand as he tried his hardest not to lash out. “I don’t need to see any shrink. I’ve been through enough already . . .”
“I think you do because if you’re not going to talk to us, at least talk to someone professional who specialize in this field.”
“So are you saying that I’m crazy or something?”
“No Shuichi, I’m saying that you need help. We all know that Yuki’s engagement is affecting you. You still love him and you can’t seem to let that go.”
Silent, he released the knife as he turned away and looked at Hiro. He don’t understand, he tries to but will never grasp the concept. “You know what, I thought it was bad enough when Yuki dumped me. I thought maybe I can learn to accept it and move on. I admit I’m wrong because I’m still weak, but then other things start piling up on my problem. The band started complaining about touring and stuff, I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. So when everyone recommend me to see a psychologist, I went. All he did was give me prescriptions of pills to take and they still aren’t helping me. By filing me up with fucking drugs, I’m able to control what little sanity I have left. I know I’ve done some things that you and Fujisaki don’t approve, but it’s not enough. I tried to make you guys happy, but in the end I’m making myself miserable.”
“What does this have to do with you and Raiden. I want to know what happened to you two.”
“Fine . . .” he hissed, seeing this was the only way to get him off his cast. “If you want to know so badly, I told him that I love him and he just rejected me! He didn’t say anything and for three days now I haven’t seen or heard from him.”
“Shuichi, how could you just tell him that you love him. You don’t know him long enough . . . this is the same thing you did with Yuki.”
“I know Hiro . . . why do you think I’m like this? At least with Yuki, he tried pushing me away, but Raiden . . . he didn’t look at me or say anything when I told him. He didn’t question me, all he did was break down more.”
“I’m sorry Shuichi . . . I didn’t know. I mean, I thought you two were close, but not like that.”
Turning away, he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Well . . . there’s nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who moved to fast, but he was the one whom hurting. I guess we both got what we deserve.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rai n poured heavily outside, hitting the tiles along the roof. Blue eyes stared out the window, watching the tears of the sky fall. Sighing deeply, he felt edgy. He haven’t take his medication for three days now and it was killing him. Just the fact that Shuichi thought it was better to see the real him, he end up listening to that. A gentle knock came from behind him as he closed his eyes. The door opened as a middle age woman poked her head in, looking at him. He knew she was worried about him, but he couldn’t explain why he decided to return home all of a sudden.
“Raiden . . . sweetheart you’ve been here for three days. What’s going on? Talk to me, maybe I can help.” She whispered, coming in completely and closing the door. Walking over to the heap, she took a seat next to him, sighing. “Ayame called asking if you came home and I had to lie to her. Even Sora called, worried about you, now as much as I hate lying to my own daughter, Sora’s isn’t easy to lie to. So . . . spill it, what wrong.”
Keeping his eyes close, he just laid there as he felt her soft hand caress his cheek. Knowing that she’s worried about him, it was hard for him to explain. He knew he couldn’t go home because he knew that facing him would only hurt. So he came all the way to Osaka, where his mother lived. Remembering appearing at her doorsteps in tears, she knew something wasn’t right and didn’t ask. Inhaling deeply, he had to tell her.
“Mom . . . he said he love me. He just said it and I felt that he meant it. But I couldn’t return his feelings because I can’t escape from this vortex. In the end, he’s probably hurting and I’m afraid. Why couldn’t things just go back to normal. Why couldn’t Kei just live and this wouldn’t be happening.” He asked, feeling his mother stop caressing his cheek.
Green eyes looked down at him, faintly smiling. She knew about her son’s previous lover and she came to accept it. Now listening to his problem, she could only solve it the best way she could. “You just have to accept the fact. You have to let Kei go . . . and open your heart for another. I know you have feelings from this person, it may not be love but it’s something. Running away from the problem isn’t going to solve anything. You have to move on . . . it’s for the best.”
“How can I? I love Kei so much that I couldn’t let go of his love. He was the only person I could rely on, who understood me better than you or anyone. And when he died, I felt alone once again and all hope was lost.” He whispered, reopening his eyes and stared at the lamp on his nightstand.
Sighing, he was one stubborn kid, but that’s how he was. “Raiden, Kei wouldn’t want you like this. He wouldn’t want to see you throw away everything. He want you to have another chance at happiness. Before he passed, he told you that you would have to let him go and move on. I’ve done that with you and Ayame. I didn’t want to let go of my babies, but I did and look where you both are. Ayame’s an actress and getting married to Eiri-san and you playing for a major band and finding new love. If I didn’t let you two go, where would you be now?”
“That’s different mom . . . you had to let us go in order to grow and learn.”
“And you must let Kei go . . . so you can grow and learn once again. Please, don’t leave the poor boy hanging without an answer. He’s worried about you, he cares so much about you. Get up and give him a call to let him know that you’re alright.”
“I can’t . . . I can’t tell him how I feel until I can move on. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to lead him down the wrong path.”
Smiling, she knew he was worried more about the boy than himself. Leaning down, he kissed him on the cheek before leaving. “I know you would do the right thing. Please, talk to him and explain. It’s best to let him know now before he becomes more hurt. By continuing to reject his feelings without answering, he could end up losing hope for a better future.”
“I know . . . I know.”
TBC
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Author’s Note: Wow, that was a great chapter. Shuichi’s speaking his heart, in the end not receiving an answer. Also Raiden’s mother, very inspirational. Anyhow, sorry for not writing the dinner part, I felt lazy and couldn’t think of anything interesting to talk about during dinner. But hey, it’s my story and I can write whatever floats my boat. So send me a review and let me know what you think. Ja!
Next chapter: Heart Shaped Box
Inside the box holds a precious treasure . . .
In order to get it . . . you must find the key . . .
And the only place you can find it is within my heart . . .
Author’s Note: Enjoy, nothing much to say . . .
“I close my eyes and wonder if what I’m feeling is true. Could this possibly be love . . . or is it lust?”
Shuichi Shindou, Bad Luck
Chapter Six: Listen to the Rain
[A/N: I decided not to go through major detail with the dinner date, but went straight to the point of them walking home. To sum everything up, they went out to eat and then to a bar. Now they just left and their heading home. I’m warning you, this is pretty intense!]
“Raiden . . . you know, I never thought I would say this, but I’m going to say it.” Shuichi slurred as he walked ahead of Raiden. Staggering along the way, he couldn’t believe he got drunk.
Raiden didn’t say anything as he followed closely behind him, making sure he doesn’t fall or anything. Holding both of their coats, he knew it was at least midnight and they would have to work tomorrow with a killer headache. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he starts feeling around, realizing he brought some of his medicine with him to take. Grasping them in his hand, he pulled them out and stared down at the pills. Feeling completely drawn to them, he was about to pop them into his mouth, until he saw Shuichi come up and stop him. Shuichi realize that he was basically walking around, when he turned around and saw Raiden taking out pills. And without thinking, he stopped him, grabbing his wrist and took the pills out of his hand. Throwing them on the ground, he glared at Raiden, wondering what the hell he was doing. Not sure whether to be angry with Shuichi, he couldn’t help but lashed out.
“What the hell did you do that for? I needed to take my medication, why did you stop me!” he snapped at Shuichi smiled, coming closer to him. Cringing slightly, he could smell the heavy alcohol on his breath, wondering what the hell he has been drinking.
Staring at Raiden, he saw that he was mad. He wanted to see the real him, not some drugged up one. Reaching for him, he placed his hand on his cheek, tracing down until his fingers stopped at his chin. Keeping his hand there, he smiled wildly. “That’s much . . . better. I want to see the real you, without the drugs. I’m tired always wondering if you are truly this happy or just as miserable as I am. Tell me Raiden . . . what are the pills for? What mental illness did those fucking doctor’s give you?”
Looking at him, he didn’t feel like discussing his problems right now. He needed to get Shuichi home and he needed to go home himself. He was tired and becoming considerably frustrated. “C’mon, we need to go. It’s getting late and we have to go to work tomorrow. I really don’t want to have a huge headache and I know you don’t either.”
Shuichi pouted as he moved closer to him. Barely touching his lips, he didn’t want to go home, not yet. He was having too much fun hanging out with Raiden. He wanted to know everything about him. What he likes to eat, what he likes to watch. What pisses him off the most, what makes him think. He was fascinated with him, he wanted to know everything. “Not until you tell me what those pills are for, then I’ll let you go and we can leave.” He whispered huskily, as his other arm snake its way around Raiden’s waist. Holding him, he wasn’t leaving and Raiden knew he was seriously, regardless if he was drunk.
Looking down at him, he sighed frustrated as he answered the singer’s questions. “I’m bipolar alright; I need to take those so I don’t have another episode. There, can we leave now?” he felt edgy and needed to go home quickly. He could feel his emotions switching on him and he didn’t want to hurt Shuichi.
Groaning, he rolled his eyes, moving slightly back but the closeness was still there. Moving his other arm around his waist, Shuichi shook his head. “Bipolar eh . . . you don’t seem like the type. Tell me, was it because of Kei you become like this . . . so emotional?” he taunted, wanting to poke so more, meddle in places he knew he shouldn’t have. It wasn’t his fault, the alcohol buzz through his head, making him like this.
Gritting his teeth, he tried pushing Shuichi away, but the singer only held tighter. He couldn’t take it; he felt too close to him and wanted to get away as possible. Above, the skies drew in black clouds as thunder roared, letting them know about the rain. Right after the first lighten flash, rain poured from the clouds down to the earth as it was heavy. Landing on both band mates, Shuichi blinked a couple of times, looking up at the sky with a smile. Feeling the cool rain touch his skin, his hair started to press against his forehead, covering some of his hair slightly. Raiden groaned lowly, feeling the water trickle down his back. His hair also pressed against his head, covering blue eyes. Looking back at Raiden, he sucked in the air as he saw how cute he looked in the rain. To him, Raiden look like an innocent child, with blue eyes that were wide and his hair covering them. He could see his emotions clearly now, was he also psychic.
“It’s alright . . . I know you want to leave, but then again you don’t. I’m sorry for tossing your pills away, but this is the person I wanted to see, the real you. The person who suffer so much come from behind the sugar coated Prozac and appear on the surface. If you are able to look pass all that pain and then maybe you could just be yourself.” He spoke to him, seeing Raiden look at him, perplex. Laughing, he could be smart when he wants to; he’s not all that mean.
Feeling his heart quicken, he notice that Shuichi was moving closer again. His breath got caught in his throat, realizing what he was about to do. He don’t want to take this thing too far, he wasn’t ready. Fear was portrayed within his eyes and he knew Shuichi could easily see it, but he kept getting closer. “Don’t . . . I don’t want to hurt you.” He whispered mellifluously as Shuichi stopped an inch from his lips. Watching him chastely smile, he didn’t know what to do right now. He couldn’t get out of Shuichi’s strong hold; all he could do was tremble.
Water dripped from his bangs as he stared Raiden in the eyes. He saw the fear, the nervousness. But he could also see that he wanted this as much as he did. Was the really the true Raiden, this person who is afraid of moving on. He knew he couldn’t move on, but he don’t think it was fear that was stopping him. But Raiden, it was fear of losing something more. “What are you afraid of Raiden . . . please tell me.”
Trembling more he felt himself giving away more than he should. Why was Shuichi asking him that for, he knew perfectly well what he’s afraid of. “Please, I’m not ready for a relationship right now. It’s just too much for me to handle.”
Hearing him, Shuichi shook his head as he came in and capture Raiden’s lips. Kissing him passionately, he felt the entire trembling stop but tension took its place. Tighten his hold on him; he wanted him to never forget this. Raiden didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t respond back. His eyes widen as he looked down and saw violet eyes penetrating his gaze. Why was Shuichi doing this, what was he trying to prove. This was too much for him and he couldn’t take on the pressure. Regardless how he act, he can’t keep leading him on. Deep in his heart, he wanted this, but what was stopping him was his heart. Shuichi broke the semi-passionate kiss as he took a deep breath. Removing his arms from Raiden’s waist, they dropped lazily on his side as he closed his eyes. Letting the rain soak him more, his clothes pressed against his body, showing off his small frame.
“You told me that I should be able to let the past go and move on in the future. And I know I want to, to move on knowing that I have a second chance in life to feel love again. Then I look at you and witness all the fear you have. Are you truly that afraid to move on?”
Raiden lowered his gaze as he felt tears well up in his eyes. This was too much for him; he felt so vulnerable right now. “You don’t understand how it feel to lose someone. I can’t just go up to him and say goodbye. I can’t lose that connection I have with him, even if he died.”
“I don’t understand, how the hell you can say that. Of course I understand what the hell you’re going through. Raiden, I lost the love of my life also, even if he didn’t die. He cheated on me, he abused me, hell he even raped me numbers of times and I still can’t get over him. I can’t sleep because every moment I can still feel his cold hands upon my body, touching me roughly, leaving behind guilt and shame. And in the end, I was the stupid one to keep coming back for more of his abuse. Yuki done so much shit to me, god I wish he was dead. He broke me to pieces, stomp on my shards and threw them away like they were nothing. And in the end, I can’t forget him and move on. You know what that makes me, huh? A fucking masochist . . . a masochist! I want him to hurt me again; all that do is fill my heart with false hopes. I love him, even though he’s getting engage. That what hurts the most, knowing that the person you love more than anything will never love you back!” He shouted as tears pushed their way down his face, mixing with the rain water. Reaching out for Raiden, he held his shoulders as he squeeze them gently. Seeing him look up, he saw tears flow down his cheeks, breaking his heart slowly.
Raiden noticed that Shuichi was also crying as he finally was able to let go of the tears he held. Shaking his head, he didn’t want to feel this way, but he couldn’t stop. “I just can’t say goodbye . . . I just can’t stop loving him.” He broke down as Shuichi pulled him closer and held him in an embrace. Holding him also, he cried as he felt so confused right now.
Listening to his sobs, Shuichi stared into the sky, knowing the feeling. Both of them couldn’t say goodbye, regardless how easy it seem. Holding him tightly, he felt more tears flow as he whisper softly to him. “We just have to face the facts and move on. Just like you told me, all I have to do is look Yuki in the eyes and tell him goodbye. And if goodbye is meant to be forever, then so be it. It’s not the end, but only the beginning of something better. Like I said, I thought I would never say this, but I’m going to say this.”
“Don’t say it . . . please don’t.”
Closing his eyes, he turned his lips to Raiden’s ear, whispering words he know it would hurt both of them. “I want to be with you Raiden . . . I love you.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rai n rolled down the window pane as Shuichi stared out into the world. Holding his cup of tea, it’s been three days it’s been raining and three days since he last saw Raiden. Worried about him, he tried calling him, but all he got was his answer machine. Recalling that night, he knew he confessed his feelings for him, but he knew it was too much. He went too far this time and once again he might lose that person once again. Feeling tears roll down his cheek, he forgot he wasn’t alone in his apartment. Gray eyes looked at him from the table, worried about him. He never seen Shuichi like this before, not only is he distant, but he finally start crying again. Tears seem to come easily to the singer and he begun to worry. Calling Shuichi, he turned away from the window as he pushed away his fallen shame. Smiling faintly, he knew he made Hiro worry, he didn’t want to do it but he felt alone once again.
“I’m sorry Hiro, I know I called you over to join me for lunch, but I’m being a poor host.” He said, moving away from the window and made his way to the table. Placing the cup down, he pulled out a chair and sat down.
Hiro just nodded, wondering what happened to him. He begun changing again once he came to work on Monday. He was smiling and laughing with them, showing that he still possess the old Shuichi. Then in three days, he changed into this depressing person. He wouldn’t talk to anyone and he kept staring at his cell phone. He tried calling Raiden to see what was going on with Shuichi, since he knew he was becoming close, but Raiden wouldn’t answer the phone. He called Sora asking her where was Raiden and she told him she didn’t know. In his mind, he knew something happened between them two and the only way he was going to find out if he asked one of them. Shuichi stared off into the distant as he start thinking about Raiden and what he told him.
Did he really mean what he said, did he truly love him? He was drunk, feelings weren’t real under the influence. But when he whisper those words, they felt so real to him. He knew he started falling for him after their first performance with each other. The conversation they had and the way he made him feel. Raiden was different from Yuki, he actually cared about him. Wanted to get to know him and not push away. He knew that Raiden wanted to be with him, but he was afraid to let go. That hurt him the most, he wasn’t thinking about himself, but only worrying about him. Raiden made that his number one propriety, to worry about him and his problems instead of fixing his. He saw why he said he didn’t want to hurt him, but in the end he end up hurting himself and Raiden. Snapping out of reality, he heard the faint sound of his cell phone ringing as he jumped up and went to get it. Hiro watched as Shuichi’s face brighten at the sound of the phone. Grabbing the phone, he looked down at the screen, but his face faltered as he realize it wasn’t him. Seeing it was Ryuichi, he answered it seeing that he didn’t even call his friend like he been saying he would.
“SHUICHI! Are you alright?” Ryuichi shouted into the phone when Shuichi answered it.
Moving it back, how could he be so loud and cheerful at the same time. Bring the phone to his ear easily, he could hear music in the back ground playing and talking. Recognizing the voices, one was Noriko as she was telling Sora to move over. Wondering what they were doing, he didn’t want to pry. “Hello Ryuichi, I’m sorry for not returning any of your calls. I’ve been . . . busy.” Was all he said before his idol gasped.
Hearing Ryuichi telling them to be quiet he’s talking with him, he heard the girls shout hello as Ryuichi growled. “I’m sorry Shu-chan, I have Noriko and her cute little sister over for lunch today. It’s been a long time since I’ve saw Sora, she’s very . . . um how could I say . . .naughty. So what are you doing?”
Sighing, he really didn’t feel like talking, but he didn’t call him for a while. Leaning against the wall, he stared at the playing television that was on mute. Seeing the concert from Astro on screen, he felt his heart sank more. “I’m just about to cook some lunch for Hiro and I. K gave us the day off today since it’s been raining for awhile.”
Ryuichi made an 'oh' sound as he turned off the music and the sisters gasped. “I see . . . well, are you doing anything later today? Maybe we can hang out at some club or something.”
Sounding like a great idea, he didn’t feel like it. Right now, he felt his heart falling apart and he wanted to find out where Raiden was. “Thanks, but I would have to pass. I’m sorry, but I’m on this new medication and I can’t do anything active for at least a week. Maybe next time.” He made up an excuse, knowing his idol would understand.
“Alright then . . . I hope you feel better. I’ll drop by tomorrow and make sure you are alright. How’s Nao doing? I haven’t heard her meow today.” He asked him about his cat as he looked on the arm chair where she was sleeping.
“She’s doing fine. Bad as ever and loves the toy you got her. Well, I have to go, I need to cook for me and Hiro. Tell Noriko and Sora I say hello.”
“I will! Kuma said hello and bye. Ja Shu-chan. I hope you get better!”
“Thanks . . . bye.”
Hanging up, he sighed sadly as he placed his phone down and returned to the kitchen. Not even looking at Hiro, he went to the fridge. Opening it, he looked inside wondering what he could cook for them, since he already ruin their day. Hiro let out a groan, hating the silence.
“Shuichi, what’s wrong with you? You’re not acting yourself lately. Did something happen between you and Raiden?” he asked, seeing Shuichi’s body tense. Knowing he got something right, he just needed to know what.
Violet eyes closed as he held the tears back. He was vulnerable now and it wasn’t helping by mention Raiden’s name. It was bad enough he wasn’t returning his calls and he haven’t seen him in three days. “It’s the new medicine . . . it tends to make you feel like shit.” He lied, not wanting to talk about it. Grabbing some meat and other ingredients, he closed the door and headed towards the counter.
Knowing he’s lying, Hiro continue to pry, hoping to get an answer. “I don’t believe you Shuichi and you know you’re the worst liar ever. Seriously, I’m worried about you. Your not yourself and these emotions are driving us mad. One minute your all depressed and sad and then the next your all happy and laughing like old times. And each time it has to do when we mention Raiden’s name. He hasn’t been to work in three days and I asked Seguchi-san where he is and he said he’s sick. Something isn’t right, what happened?”
Ignoring him, he didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to have a day where he could just enjoy eating lunch with his friend and not think. Reaching for a knife from the set, he start chopping up the tomatoes, changing the subject. “You know, I never like eating tomatoes. Just the color reminds me of blood, you know. So one day, I was at this restaurant and I order this meal and guess what they had on it . . . tomatoes. I was about to die and I couldn’t get it substituted. So . . . I had to suck it up and eat it. And guess what, I end up liking it. Weird how something so simple can make a person become so complex.”
“Stop changing the subject, Shuichi.”
“I’m not changing the subject. I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“Eventually, you would have to talk about it. We’re all worried about you, you haven’t been yourself. We think you should see a psychologist again, you still have some stuff you want to get off your chest.”
Stop chopping, he gripped the knife tightly between his hand as he tried his hardest not to lash out. “I don’t need to see any shrink. I’ve been through enough already . . .”
“I think you do because if you’re not going to talk to us, at least talk to someone professional who specialize in this field.”
“So are you saying that I’m crazy or something?”
“No Shuichi, I’m saying that you need help. We all know that Yuki’s engagement is affecting you. You still love him and you can’t seem to let that go.”
Silent, he released the knife as he turned away and looked at Hiro. He don’t understand, he tries to but will never grasp the concept. “You know what, I thought it was bad enough when Yuki dumped me. I thought maybe I can learn to accept it and move on. I admit I’m wrong because I’m still weak, but then other things start piling up on my problem. The band started complaining about touring and stuff, I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. So when everyone recommend me to see a psychologist, I went. All he did was give me prescriptions of pills to take and they still aren’t helping me. By filing me up with fucking drugs, I’m able to control what little sanity I have left. I know I’ve done some things that you and Fujisaki don’t approve, but it’s not enough. I tried to make you guys happy, but in the end I’m making myself miserable.”
“What does this have to do with you and Raiden. I want to know what happened to you two.”
“Fine . . .” he hissed, seeing this was the only way to get him off his cast. “If you want to know so badly, I told him that I love him and he just rejected me! He didn’t say anything and for three days now I haven’t seen or heard from him.”
“Shuichi, how could you just tell him that you love him. You don’t know him long enough . . . this is the same thing you did with Yuki.”
“I know Hiro . . . why do you think I’m like this? At least with Yuki, he tried pushing me away, but Raiden . . . he didn’t look at me or say anything when I told him. He didn’t question me, all he did was break down more.”
“I’m sorry Shuichi . . . I didn’t know. I mean, I thought you two were close, but not like that.”
Turning away, he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Well . . . there’s nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who moved to fast, but he was the one whom hurting. I guess we both got what we deserve.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rai n poured heavily outside, hitting the tiles along the roof. Blue eyes stared out the window, watching the tears of the sky fall. Sighing deeply, he felt edgy. He haven’t take his medication for three days now and it was killing him. Just the fact that Shuichi thought it was better to see the real him, he end up listening to that. A gentle knock came from behind him as he closed his eyes. The door opened as a middle age woman poked her head in, looking at him. He knew she was worried about him, but he couldn’t explain why he decided to return home all of a sudden.
“Raiden . . . sweetheart you’ve been here for three days. What’s going on? Talk to me, maybe I can help.” She whispered, coming in completely and closing the door. Walking over to the heap, she took a seat next to him, sighing. “Ayame called asking if you came home and I had to lie to her. Even Sora called, worried about you, now as much as I hate lying to my own daughter, Sora’s isn’t easy to lie to. So . . . spill it, what wrong.”
Keeping his eyes close, he just laid there as he felt her soft hand caress his cheek. Knowing that she’s worried about him, it was hard for him to explain. He knew he couldn’t go home because he knew that facing him would only hurt. So he came all the way to Osaka, where his mother lived. Remembering appearing at her doorsteps in tears, she knew something wasn’t right and didn’t ask. Inhaling deeply, he had to tell her.
“Mom . . . he said he love me. He just said it and I felt that he meant it. But I couldn’t return his feelings because I can’t escape from this vortex. In the end, he’s probably hurting and I’m afraid. Why couldn’t things just go back to normal. Why couldn’t Kei just live and this wouldn’t be happening.” He asked, feeling his mother stop caressing his cheek.
Green eyes looked down at him, faintly smiling. She knew about her son’s previous lover and she came to accept it. Now listening to his problem, she could only solve it the best way she could. “You just have to accept the fact. You have to let Kei go . . . and open your heart for another. I know you have feelings from this person, it may not be love but it’s something. Running away from the problem isn’t going to solve anything. You have to move on . . . it’s for the best.”
“How can I? I love Kei so much that I couldn’t let go of his love. He was the only person I could rely on, who understood me better than you or anyone. And when he died, I felt alone once again and all hope was lost.” He whispered, reopening his eyes and stared at the lamp on his nightstand.
Sighing, he was one stubborn kid, but that’s how he was. “Raiden, Kei wouldn’t want you like this. He wouldn’t want to see you throw away everything. He want you to have another chance at happiness. Before he passed, he told you that you would have to let him go and move on. I’ve done that with you and Ayame. I didn’t want to let go of my babies, but I did and look where you both are. Ayame’s an actress and getting married to Eiri-san and you playing for a major band and finding new love. If I didn’t let you two go, where would you be now?”
“That’s different mom . . . you had to let us go in order to grow and learn.”
“And you must let Kei go . . . so you can grow and learn once again. Please, don’t leave the poor boy hanging without an answer. He’s worried about you, he cares so much about you. Get up and give him a call to let him know that you’re alright.”
“I can’t . . . I can’t tell him how I feel until I can move on. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to lead him down the wrong path.”
Smiling, she knew he was worried more about the boy than himself. Leaning down, he kissed him on the cheek before leaving. “I know you would do the right thing. Please, talk to him and explain. It’s best to let him know now before he becomes more hurt. By continuing to reject his feelings without answering, he could end up losing hope for a better future.”
“I know . . . I know.”
TBC
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Author’s Note: Wow, that was a great chapter. Shuichi’s speaking his heart, in the end not receiving an answer. Also Raiden’s mother, very inspirational. Anyhow, sorry for not writing the dinner part, I felt lazy and couldn’t think of anything interesting to talk about during dinner. But hey, it’s my story and I can write whatever floats my boat. So send me a review and let me know what you think. Ja!
Next chapter: Heart Shaped Box
Inside the box holds a precious treasure . . .
In order to get it . . . you must find the key . . .
And the only place you can find it is within my heart . . .