Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ In Love and Hate ❯ Even the Strong Have Weaknesses ( Chapter 4 )

Konnichiwa, everyone! Well, I really don't have much to say right now except arigato to all of you who reviewed Truth, Lies, and Confrontation! Also, if you read this YOU BETTER REVIEW!! If you don't, I'll take my time doing chapter five and won't post it for two weeks!! Okay then, now I'm out to let you read in peace.

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation, of course, Maki Murakami does. If I did, Yuki would be mine, ALL MINE! And I wouldn't share him with any of you!!! Mwuhahahahahahaha! …Okay, maybe it's a good thing that I don't. **pout**

 

Even the Strong Have Weaknesses

 

“Yuki, I'm home!” a certain pink-haired singer exclaimed as he bounced into their apartment after a long and hard day at the studio.

He searched the oversized apartment for his lover, depositing his backpack in their room, but there was no sign of the blonde anywhere. His cigarettes were gone and so were his car keys, so, deciding that the man just got tired of being alone, Shuichi sprawled out on the couch and turned on the television.

“News, news, cartoons, news, news,… Ooo! Our new music video!” he exclaimed as he flipped through the channels. Just the week before, Bad Luck had made the video for their single “In the Moonlight” and the song had become an overnight success.

Shuichi sang along with the voice reverberating off the walls of the house and let sleep slowly overcome his body. He couldn't remember how long he had slept, but he was soon woken up by the closing of the front door. He bolted up from where he was lying, preparing himself for the worst, and was surprised to see Yuki walk into the kitchen and throw his keys onto the counter.

“Yuki!” The bundle of energy jumped up from the couch and ran over to give his lover a hug. “Where have you been?”

“Where have I been? Where in the hell have you been? First, you didn't come home and, then, I couldn't find you anywhere!” Yuki yelled.

Shuichi cringed slightly at Yuki's obvious anger and whispered his answer. “I had to work late tonight, I thought I told you. I tried calling you to remind you but you didn't answer the home phone or your cell phone, so I was screwed. Gomen that I worried you.”

“Don't worry about it,” Yuki said with a small smile and hungrily kissed his boyfriend.

He ran his fingers in a light dance up and down Shuichi's spine, teasing and hinting to him like he always did when he was in the mood. Shuichi, however, was tired and didn't want to do anything that would make him more exhausted than he already was. He shivered and pulled away from Yuki, headed for the bathroom, but Yuki grabbed onto the back of his shirt.

“Where do you think you're going?” Yuki asked and pulled Shuichi back to him. “I'm not done with you yet.”

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Shuichi said as he struggled to get out of the blonde's grasp, cursing at the fact that he was so puny. “Yuki, please let me go.”

“You can do it later.” Yuki pushed Shuichi into a corner and pressed his body against Shuichi, leaving the boy to struggle futilely.

“Yuki, I'm tired and I don't want to do this right now! Please let me go!” Shuichi yelled, tears beginning to well in the corners of his eyes. “What did I do?”

“I thought we talked about this already. You could at least repay me in some way for not telling me that you had to work late. I worried my ass of all night.”

“I told you that I was sorry, Yuki. Is that not enough? I'll make it up to you some other night. Now please let me go!” Shuichi pleaded, still struggling in the arms of the person he loved and was terrified of the most.

Yuki growled and grabbed one of Shuichi's wrists, forcefully pinning it to the wall above his head.

“Ow, Yuki, you're hurting me!” Shuichi shrieked and found himself slapped across the face.

“Shut the fuck up!” Yuki snarled, face inches away from Shuichi's.

Shuichi could just barely smell the hint of alcohol on Yuki's breath and he began to struggle even harder as Yuki moved his lips down to his neck.

He's just drunk again. He doesn't know what he's doing, he thought to himself. He'll stop and pass out in a few minutes. It won't be like before.

He was wrong. Yuki ripped open Shuichi's dress shirt and ran his hand lightly over his boy's bare chest, enjoying the fact that Shuichi was actually starting to calm down a bit and not realizing that it was from exhaustion, not pleasure. He slid his hand down Shuichi's chest and stuck it down the waistband of the boy's pants.

“LET ME GO, YUKI!” Shuichi screamed and his boyfriend slapped him again.

“I thought I told you to shut up!” Yuki growled and kissed the confused boy before he could respond again.

Shuichi moaned into the kiss in pain, and actually managed to wriggle out of Yuki's grasp and push him away. The blonde man stood confused for two seconds, but those few were more than enough for Shuichi to get away. The pink-haired boy dashed back to the bathroom with his boyfriend following close behind. He almost made it to the bathroom but Yuki grabbed the back of his shirt. He just shrugged it off and left Yuki with an empty shirt while he locked himself in the bathroom

Yuki pounded on the door and yelled for Shuichi to open but Shuichi couldn't hear him over his sobs of pain and confusion. He dug around in the drawers of the bathroom counter until he found a double-edged straight razor and then collapsed onto the cold marble floor, propping the blade between his thighs. The sobs caused violent shudders to ripple throughout his body and he listened to his mind as it mocked him.

Go ahead, do it! No one will miss you.

It'll hurt less than what you're suffering though now. After the pain will be pure bliss and freedom.

Just imagine the look on Yuki's face when he finds you dead in a puddle of blood when he comes in here to puke his guts out in the morning. Imagine how everyone will react when they realize what happened. They won't care and they won't blame you. All of the blame will go on Yuki. That's what you want, isn't it?

”No,” Shuichi muttered and let the blade fall to the floor.

He stared at the light as it reflected off the cold steel, his thoughts circling. The bright glare was beautiful, in a morbid kind of way, and he picked the blade up again to stare at it. With one soft fluid motion, he brought the blade down to his skin and drew it across the underside of his arm. His tears came to a quick halt as he watched the blood well up at the opening of the wound and then run freely down his arm, all of his pain and confusion seeming to disappear along with it.

Shuichi stood up from the floor and barely acknowledged Yuki yelling that he'd break down the door if he didn't open it soon. He put the blade back where he had found it and cleaned and bandaged the wound, using some of the liquid bandage to quickly and invisibly hide the cut.

“Shuichi, if you don't open this goddamn door right now I'll…” Yuki stopped short as Shuichi opened the bathroom door and walked out as if nothing had happened.

“I'm going to bed, Yuki. You can either come back with me or you can sleep in here because I know that the toilets going to be your best friend when you wake up in the morning,” Shuichi said calmly and headed back for their room.

Yuki reached out and grabbed Shuichi by the wrist. He pulled Shuichi back into their room and threw him onto the bed before removing his and Shuichi's clothing in a matter of seconds. He climbed on top of the tired boy with a sadistic grin on his face and forced himself upon him, using one arm to pin both of Shuichi's hands above his head so he couldn't struggle like he had before.

It didn't stop Shuichi from struggling, however, and even though Yuki chose to act like it didn't bother him, the boy knew that he was really starting to piss his lover off.

Yuki bit at Shuichi's neck hard enough to draw blood and he smirked as Shuichi yelped in pain.

“Yuki, get off of me!” he screamed and, when Yuki didn't let up any, spit in his lover's face.

Yuki struck the boy again and Shuichi saw stars pass in front of his eyes before he came back to his senses. Acting like he was going to play along, Shuichi picked his head up and began to nip and suck at Yuki' neck. When Yuki began to relax a little bit and started to moan, Shuichi took the opportunity to bite down on his lover's neck as hard as he could, tears steaming unchecked down his frail, innocent face.

“WHAT THE HELL? YOU JUST FUCKING BIT ME!” Yuki yelled and stood up from the bed and Shuichi.

Shuichi took the opportunity to run again but he didn't get far. Yuki was standing in front of the only exit and he grabbed Shuichi's arm and swung him around, throwing him against the wall. Shuichi slumped to the floor with sobs shaking his body and he cringed when he felt Yuki's shadow looming over him.

“Get up,” Yuki commanded; just succeeding in getting angry when Shuichi didn't comply. “Get the fuck off the floor!”

When Shuichi didn't move, Yuki grabbed onto the hair at the back of the boy's head and pulled him up from the ground. Shuichi shrieked in pain but it didn't register in Yuki's intoxicated mind. He pushed Shuichi's into the wall and made him turn his head so he could kiss him forcefully on the lips.

Shuichi stood there limply, not knowing what to do or where to go. He gave up all hope and the first icy layer was laid upon his heart. He still tried to struggle but he knew that it was futile. Yuki was bigger and stronger than him, and he was exhausted.

“That's a good boy,” Yuki whispered into Shuichi's ear like he was congratulating a dog and then nipped at his lightly. “See how much easier this is when you don't struggle, Shuichi?”

“No, Yuki, please,” Shuichi muttered and darkness overcame him as he let Yuki take control of his body for the night…

 

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“Ow, Yuki, you're hurting me!”

Tatsuha closed his book and furrowed his brow as his boyfriend muttered something in his sleep. He hadn't caught enough of what Shuichi had said to know what he was talking about, but one thing he did hear was his brother's name.

Gods damn you, Eiri. He even has nightmares about it!

They had gotten home a little after midnight after a long night of clubbing, and both of them had been exhausted. Shuichi immediately went back and crashed and Tatsuha, wanting to be as close to him as possible, opted to lie next to him and read more of his interesting book.

“LET ME GO, YUKI!” Shuichi screamed and began to writhe around on the bed next to him.

Tatsuha reached over to shake the man but stopped when Shuichi calmed and laid still, a cold sweat slicking his body. The raven-haired man became extremely worried about his boyfriend but after a few minutes of silence decided it was over. He returned back to his book and got a few pages before…

“No, Yuki, please,” Shuichi moaned.

“Okay, that's it,” Tatsuha muttered and laid a hand on his boyfriend's arm and shook him. He didn't respond at first so Tatsuha began to shake harder, not stopping until he felt Shuichi grab at his arms in a gesture to stop.

“I'm awake, Tatsuha,” he groaned and frowned when he saw the worry in his lover's eyes. “You okay? What happened?”

“I was about to ask the same of you,” Tatsuha said and moved to sit cross-legged across on the bed across from Shuichi. “You were talking in your sleep.”

Shuichi's eyes got wide and then sad, moving to gaze at the bed's comforter as his fingers toyed with a frayed piece of string. “What all did you hear?”

“Enough to know what you were dreaming about,” Tatsuha muttered and laid a hand on Shuichi's arm. “Shu, I want to help you get over it and, although I realize that his return really hasn't helped me in completing that task, I can't help you unless you talk to me. Don't hold everything in because it'll tear you apart like it did before.”

Shuichi sighed and looked up to meet Tatsuha's grey eyes with his own amethyst ones. “I know,” he muttered, “it's just hard for me to talk about it. And if I'm gonna have to relive it before I can get over it, this really sucks.”

Tatsuha laughed and pulled Shuichi close to him and into a hug. “I know it does, but you'll also be set free in a way. No more nightmares, no more worries, no more Yuki. Living with his brother probably doesn't help to make it any better, though, does it?”

Shuichi looked at Tatsuha in surprise. Tatsuha smiled weakly and stared at the picture on the wall behind Shuichi. “That's what I thought.”

“I-iie, Tatsuha, you're what's keeping me alive. If it wasn't for you…” Shuichi didn't have to finish that sentence for Tatsuha to know what he meant. “I love you more than anything in this world and I don't care if you're his brother. In my mind you aren't even related because there's no way that someone as kind and loving as you can possibly be kin to a heartless bastard like Yuki. I just won't accept that.”

“Thanks,” Tatsuha muttered and let Shuichi take his lips in a soft kiss.

“Any time,” Shuichi laughed and lay back down on the bed, pulling Tatsuha down on top of him. “Uh-oh, what're you gonna do now?” he smirked.

Tatsuha laughed and gladly took the opportunity to be the dominant one in bed for once.

Twenty minutes later the two lovers lay peacefully in each others arms. Tatsuha laid his head on top of the shorter man's and breathed in the scent of his herbal shampoo he liked to use. Shuichi muttered something and Tatsuha had to strain his ears to hear the surprising question.

“Tatsuha, do you love me? I mean, really love me?”

Tatsuha jumped at the question and sighed softly into Shuichi's raven locks.

“Of course I do, Shuichi. You're my life and I would die without you.”

“I guess it goes both ways,” Shuichi chuckled.

“I guess,” Tatsuha muttered and held Shuichi closer. The raven-haired man had been in Tatsuha's thoughts almost to the point of obsession, and he couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if he hadn't of woken up when he did the night before.

“What's wrong, Tat-chan?” Shuichi questioned, crinkling his brow in worry at the look of sadness on Tatsuha's face.

“Nothing, I'm just…thinking about stuff,” Tatsuha whispered and kissed Shuichi in the head. “Nothing to worry about.”

Shuichi dropped he conversation for the moment but stuck it in the back of his mind to ask Tatsuha about later. Even though he thought he knew what was bothering the man it still bugged him. The worst thing about cutting…you hurt everyone else also.

“Okay. You just looked worried, `s all. It must've just been me.”

“Must have.”

Tatsuha ran his fingers lightly through Shuichi's hair and in no time both of them lay asleep entwined together by limbs and bed sheets.

 

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A large American man ran his fingers through his short bleached blonde hair as he entered the small coffee ship to meet with the members of Bad Luck for their last get together, except a photo shoot, before the American tour started. He was instantly hit by the aromas of mocha lattes and warm pastries and looked around to check out all of the people before disappearing into the back room created specially for Back Luck. Why did the band pick a small downtown coffee shop to hold their meetings in? Why not? It was exactly that, small, and all of the people were kind enough to leave be unless one of the band members approached them.

“Konnichiwa, Ben!” Shuichi exclaimed with a huge grin when Ben entered.

“Konnichiwa, Shu-chan! Nice to see you smiling and happy today,” he smiled back, sitting in the chair opposite the lead singer like he usually did. It didn't take long for him to notice the lack of complaint at the fact that he was late. “Okay, where's Fujisaki?”

Shuichi just shrugged and shook his head. “Not here yet.”

Ben busted out laughing at that. “So he constantly nags on you and me about being late and now he's gonna show up late? Ha! I don't think so. Just wait `til he gets here `cause I'm gonna give him an earful.”

Shuichi laughed and shook his head at Ben. The American was right, as annoying as Suguru's complaining was, it was hilarious when they got to throw it back in his face.

“And what about Hiro?” Ben asked.

“I'm here,” Hiro said from behind him and walked into the room. “Bathroom break.”

“Ah. I hope everything came out okay,” Ben said and laughed at the look on Hiro's face. “Just a little American humor for ya.”

Hiro nodded and Shuichi began to laugh as well. “You okay, man? You look…confused. Or violated. Pick one.”

Then Hiro started to crack up. Laughter filled the small room and echoed off the walls. One of the waitresses even had to come back to check that everything was alright.

“Everything okay back here?” she asked and Hiro stopped laughing immediately.

“Yeah, Lexie, everything's fine,” Ben said and a grin broke out on the waitress's face as she recognized the voice.

“It's about time you came to see me, Benjamin!” she said, her hands on her hips. “I thought that you forgot about me, koi.”

“How could I forget about you? You're too cute to forget.”

A pretty blush crept up the Asian American woman's face as Ben's compliment began to sink in. “You still could've called me.”

Ben sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, sorry about that. We've been extremely busy lately, and all of the time I haven't been spending at the studio, I've spent sleeping while you were at work. Finishing this album has been a lot harder than the last was.”

Alexis began to laugh at that. “How could it be harder when there were only three songs written? I would think that it would be easier.”

“That's what everyone would think,” Shuichi said, “but we also had to make the songs sound as close to their American counterparts as possible. Plus, there's fact that there were twenty-three songs.”

Alexis stopped laughing and the blush on her face returned two shades darker. “Oh…gomen. I didn't realize that it was like that,” she apologized, scowling at Ben who had started to laugh. “What's so funny, Benjamin?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Ben smirked and stopped laughing as Suguru finally walked into the room. “Well, well. Lookie here, fellas. Fujisaki finally decided to join us!”

Suguru cast his eyes down to the ground at Ben's comment and his face slightly turned red. “Okay, Ben, I get it. I'm late, I know. Gomen, I had business to attend to before arriving here and it ran over longer than I thought it would,” he apologized and bowed.

Ben couldn't stop himself from laughing and he crossed the room to slap Suguru on the back. “It's okay, man. I's just joking.”

Suguru straightened back up and scowled slightly at Ben. “Kami-sama, Ben. You're such a bastard!” he said and moved to his seat at the round table where Shuichi and Hiro left.

“Yeah, I get called that often,” Ben said and threw a glance at Alexis before taking his seat at the table as well.

“Can I get y'all anything to eat or drink before you start arguing like you usually do?” Alexis asked, ignoring Ben's glare and finally deciding to do her job.

The four members gave her their order and she left the room to retrieve what they wanted, returning a few minutes later with a tray full of coffee, tea, cappuccino, and warm pastries.

“Arigato, Lexie,” they all said and she left the room so they could debate in peace.

Suguru pulled a binder that held all of the information, lyrics, and original CDs that they took covers from out of his leather satchel and dropped it onto the table. “Okay, I think I can officially say that the album is complete!” he exclaimed and let everyone get their happiness out before continuing. “And I wanted to go over the order the songs will be placed in on the cd. I came up with an idea list, but wanted to run it by all of you first.”

“Read it,” Hiro said. “We're all ears.”

“Okay,” Suguru said and flipped through hundreds of sheets of loose leaf paper with notes and lyrics scrawled upon them until he got to the one he wanted. “I put all of the songs in order by the artists that originally recorded them. Meaning that all of the Seether songs are grouped together, and so on.” He looked up to make sure everyone was listening before continuing. “Okay, one through four are all Seether and they are `Sold Me,' `Needles,' `Take Me Away,' and `Hang On.' Next are Slipknot's `Vermillion' and `Vermillion Part Two.' Next are Evanescence's `Lies' and `Whisper,' followed by `Pushing Me Away' by Linkin Park, `With This Knife' by Smile Empty Soul and `Heart-shaped Box' by Nirvana. The next four are all Lacuna Coil and they are `Senzafine,' `The Prophet Said,' `Daylight Dancer,' and `Tight Rope.' Next come `Dead Skin' and `Colors' by Crossfade followed by `So Cold' by Breaking Benjamin.” At this Ben did the “rock on” sign with his fingers and a small smirk crossed his face. Suguru just rolled his eyes at the American and continued on like he didn't see anything. “Next are `Redefine' and `Pride' by Soil, and then the album's wrapped up with `Alone,' `Let Go,' and `Razor's Edge' by us.”

“Sound fine to me,” Shuichi said and took the plastic binder handed to him. He quickly scanned over Suguru's fine script and handed the notebook to Hiro who nodded and passed it to Ben.

“No smart ass comments please, Ben,” Suguru groaned through gritted teeth.

Ben snorted and handed the binder back to Suguru. “Give me a chance for once, Fujisaki!” he pouted. “I'm not as bad as you think I am.”

“Start acting like it and I'll start believing it,” Suguru muttered and flipped to an open page in the binder while pulling out a pen, transforming back into business mode. “Okay, now I think that we need to come up with some kind of outline of what and how we're going to perform during our American tour.”

It was Shuichi's turn to snort and he glared at Suguru in disbelief. “You're gonna take all the fun out of performing live, Suguru.”

“No, I'm not taking the fun out of it, I just want to be a little more organized than our last American tour,” he stated and everyone started to laugh as they remembered what had happened at more than a few of their concerts.

At least once at every concert, the band had started to play a different song than the one that Shuichi started singing. Luckily, though, the lyrics had been in Japanese and the few people who did realize what was going on just laughed and went along with the show. It had actually been quite funny because the lyrics didn't even sound like they belonged with the beat, but Shuichi didn't stop singing. That's how he was.

“You have to admit that it was funny, though,” Shuichi said and allowed the laughter to die down before continuing, “but I think you're right. It does need to be a tad bit more organized. Maybe we should just come up with a list of songs that we wanna do for our first concert and then work with each concert individually. We can mix it up and decide what we want to do while we go along.”

“Whatever, you say boss,” Suguru said and listened as the other three started to bounce ideas off one another.

Three hours and six cups of coffee each later, the four members of Bad Luck left the confines of their “dungeon,” as the owner liked to call it, and visited with the late afternoon crowd of the small shop. They signed a few napkin autographs and when seven o' clock came around Shuichi announced that he had plans to meet Tatsuha at a restaurant on the other end of town by seven-thirty, so, with that said, they all decided to head home and come up with plans of their own.

 

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Tatsuha stared impatiently at his watch as he waited for Shuichi to show up at the restaurant they had decided to meet at. He was thirty minutes late and counting and it didn't look like he was going to show up anytime soon. He had already gotten three refills on his drink and eaten half of the appetizer he had ordered to share with his boyfriend.

He was just about to get up and leave when Shuichi ran into the restaurant and to their table.

“Gomen for being so late, koi, but traffic was a bitch!” he apologized and plopped down into the booth next to Tatsuha. “I even left the coffee shop fifteen minutes earlier than I needed to and I'm still late.”

Tatsuha laughed and shook his head at his boyfriend. “Don't worry about it, Shu-chan,” he said and wrapped an arm around Shuichi to pull him closer so he could nibble on his earlobe. “You can make it up to me later.”

A pink blush began to creep up Shuichi's neck to his face. “Tatsuha, stop,” he moaned and tried to push Tatsuha away but the younger man wouldn't budge.

“Embarrassed much?” The younger man moved his lips down to his boyfriend's neck, delighting in the shiver that seemed to come from the man's toes.

“No. Horny much? You know what this always leads to, and, if you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a busy restaurant.”

Tatsuha smiled and pulled away, making a mental to note to make sure he made his mark more distinguishable. “And in case you haven't noticed, there is a bathroom,” he whispered.

Shuichi snorted and snaked an arm around Tatsuha's waist, pulling the younger man as close to him as possible without Tatsuha ending up in his lap. “As I said, horny much?”

Tatsuha smirked and laid his head on Shuichi's shoulder, letting Shuichi do all of the ordering like he usually did. They both ate in silence, and when it came time to leave they split the bill and walked out to the car arm in arm. After being with Yuki, Shuichi was used to the disgusted and sometimes amused glances that the two of them received whenever they were out together in public. It didn't take long for Tatsuha get used to it, and it didn't take long for Shuichi to not care whenever Tatsuha kissed him or did anything a tad bit more romantic out in public.

“That was good, Shu. Arigato,” Tatsuha said and laid his head on Shuichi's shoulder.

“It was your idea, I just paid for it,” Shuichi said with a grin and wrapped his arm around Tatsuha's waist.

“It was, wasn't it?” Tatsuha chuckled and tensed as he saw the owner of the car parked between his and Shuichi's climb in. “I'll see you at home, okay?” he said and kissed Shuichi passionately.

They broke apart a few seconds later and Tatsuha made sure his boyfriend got in his car and out of the parking lot safely before walking to the large black sports car of his brother. He knocked a couple times on the tinted glass and he had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing when Yuki rolled down the window. This eye was almost swollen shut and already turning an ugly shade of yellowish-green.

“What do you want, Tatsuha?” Yuki mumbled.

“To know what you're doing here.”

“Am I not allowed to go out and eat in public? Or does that threaten your relationship like everything else obviously does?” Yuki growled and locked his doors.

Tatsuha laughed and crouched down, putting his folded arms over the window in the door. “Your windows are down, Bro, and you're locking your doors? Either your as ignorant as I figured you were or you're scared. Which?”

“Neither,” Yuki mumbled over the Marlboro he had just stuck into his mouth. “If I didn't lock them now I would have forgotten to do it later. I have a ritual whenever I get in my car.”

Tatsuha snorted and stood up. “You're lucky I'm in a good mood, Bro, or I would've taken your appearance here the wrong way and thought you were here to watch Shuichi.”

He started to walk toward his car but stopped when he heard Yuki open his door and climb back out of his car. “And if I was?”

“You're just trying to piss me off, aren't you?” Tatsuha snarled and turned around. “Because I really didn't need to know that little piece of information.”

Yuki smirked and sighed quietly as his brother returned to face him, the younger man's face inches away from his own. “What'd you want, Bro?” The brunette mocked his brother in an attempt to anger him even more. “Did I strike a nerve? Did I piss little Tatsuha off?”

The singsong tone of Yuki's voice succeeded in its task and Tatsuha lashed out at his brother. He planted a fist in Yuki's stomach but Yuki lashed back with a glancing blow to the side of Tatsuha's head, not enough to knock him out but enough for him to see stars.

Tatsuha stumbled back from his brother with his head in his hands and Yuki took the opportunity to make his statement clear. He grabbed Tatsuha by the hair and pinned him down on the back of his car, putting his mouth next to his ear.

“I won't hold back either,” he whispered and left Tatsuha to climb back into his car, picking his dropped unlit cigarette up from the ground before leaving.

“Bastard,” Tatsuha muttered and watched his brother pull out before getting into his own car and driving home to meet Shuichi.

 

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Christmas was coming closer with each passing day, and even though the season was supposed to bestow happiness and light on everyone across the globe, it seemed to have skipped a certain raven-haired man. Alone for the day in a deathly silent home, the said man laid back on the overstuffed couch to try and get some kind of coherent thought out of his over exhausted mind.

When Tatsuha had told him about both of his “meetings” with Yuki, Shuichi had been torn apart, and it made him feel guilty; guilty because he felt responsible for the whole ordeal.

Shuichi groaned in anguish and sat up, putting his face in his hands and shaking the memories out of his mind. He'd had the nightmares about Yuki every night for the past week, but while he was awake the only memories that managed to haunt him were the good ones. The ones when Yuki would take him out on dates, their nights spent together, the days that Yuki would poke jokes at him, and the days when he would be able to pull Yuki from his shell by doing the most idiotic things possible.

He sighed again and stood up, headed for the bathroom and the peace of a steaming shower. When he entered the small room, he tensed at the icy coldness of the marble tile on his feet but ignored it and turned on the water.

As he waited for the hot steam to surround his head, Shuichi returned to his bedroom to get some clothes and grab an item from his bedside drawer. Grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a tee-shirt from his closet and crossed the room to his bed. He grasped onto the wood handle of the drawer and pulled it open…only to find it empty except for a piece of paper with Tatsuha's writing scrawled upon it.

 

I guess I found your stash, Shuichi. Don't search the house for them, I threw it all away. Not cool, Shuichi… I'm sorry. Aishiteru, Tat

 

Shuichi dropped his hand down to his side and crumpled the piece of paper up in his hand before throwing it across the room.

“Does he really think it's that fuckin' easy? Just throw everything away and I'll stop?” he yelled as he stormed into the bathroom.

He ransacked the drawers of the sink until he found an old razor that he had hidden away from himself three years ago. With it in his hands he left the bathroom again to go into the kitchen and undo what Tatsuha tried so hard to do. He pulled out a knife out from the knife rack and carefully broke the razor apart so he could get to the blade. He wrapped the plastic pieces of the outside of the blade in a napkin before throwing them away and returned to the bathroom.

The white mist was already swirling around the bathroom as Shuichi walked in and fell to his knees. The impact hurt and his knees screaming in agony, but he ignored it. Instead, he picked one of the three blades up from the floor and dragged it across his inner thigh. He watched as the blood welled up in small bubbles at the opening before popping and sighed. The blood from that wound wasn't enough, so he pulled up his ankle and drew an intricate design on it: a half sun, half moon. He watched as the cherry-colored plasma formed a small puddle as the small droplets combined into one, and slowly got to his feet. His ankle burned and throbbed like hell, but he, once again, ignored it. The physical pain was nothing compared to his mental and emotional suffering and was something he felt was needed if he was to pay for his imagined sins.

He slowly made his way to the shower, leaving small footprints as he walked, and stepped into the shower. He cringed as the pressure on his wounded ankle made it scream, but continued on. Once in, he stared down and watched as the water at his feet turned a pretty crimson before washing up.

Then long minutes later, he was out of the shower and wrapping gauze around his still heavily bleeding ankle. The cut on his thigh had already stopped bleeding but he swiped a little liquid bandage on it, just in case. The thought that that maybe he'd cut his ankle a little too deep briefly crossed his mind as he pulled on his sweats, but he shoved it away with the task of tying the drawstring loosely around his waist.

I am an artist, he thought. My body is my canvas, my blood is my acrylic paint, and the razor blade is my paintbrush.

He laughed slightly and pulled his shirt over his head.

I'm such a morbid little fucker.

He picked the three blades up from the floor, sticking them in his pocket, and used some wet toilet paper to clean up his mess. He dropped it in the toilet and watched the water swirl, comparing himself to the raging water for a moment.

Let's see Tatsuha find that.

The laughed again and ran his fingers through his hair in a rough attempt to brush it before picking his silver eyebrow ring up from the counter and sticking it back in place.

Shuichi made his way out to the living room and plopped back onto the couch while turning on the television. Out of nine hundred channels, nothing humored or interested him so he turned the tv off an tried once again to get some coherent thought to flow through his mind. Still nothing. Whenever he tried to think things over he couldn't, so, sighing in anguish, Shuichi stood up from the couch and headed for the door.

After slipping into his winter jacket and Chuck's, he grabbed his keys and scrawled a note out on the pad of paper closet to him.

 

Hey, Tat. It got too quiet here so I went for a drive. I'll be home when I'm home. Ai, Shuichi

 

Going for a drive usually strangely helped to calm him and if anything would help him think, it would be getting out of that dead house. But where would he go? The coffee shop? No, he really didn't' want t be bothered by obsessed fans or Alexis, so that was out. Ben's? No, Ben had problems of his own and didn't need to help Shuichi with his. Suguru's? Hell, no. Even though they had been band mates for four years now, the two still fought like second graders and seeing him would only make him more upset. Hiro's? It seemed like the obvious choice. He needed to talk to him anyway, and now was as good a time as any.

He climbed in his car and grabbed the sample copy Cover Story that Suguru had given him the week before and stuck it in his cd player. He was supposed to listen to it and give it his approval before they gave it to the company for the finals to be made.

“Damn, and we have a photo shot two days before we leave too,” he mumbled and cranked up his stereo as the rock music began to play.

He ignored the first nine songs and changed the tracks until he got to number ten. “With This Knife” by Smile Empty Soul started to play and he sang along with the lyrics.

 

I let myself fall into a lie I let my walls come down I let myself smile and feel alive I let my walls come down No matter how, I try I don't know why You push so far away You wrapped your hands tight around my heart A squeezed it full of pain Shuichi stifled a quiet sob as he recognized just how well this song told the story of his past. It was almost as if the band had delved into his mind and dug through his most personal memories, telling his story to the world though their song.

He turned the volume down a notch and pulled into the parking lot of Hiro's apartment. He sat for a while longer and listened to the last lyrics of the song, whispering them under his breath.

 

The nightmares and the hate and the fear The nightmares that wake me up in tears The nightmares and the hate…

The song ended and Shuichi cut the engine before climbing out. Hiro's motorcycle was parked in its usual spot, but Ayaka's car was no where to be seen. That was good, maybe he would be able to have a decent conversation with his friend without the fear of Ayaka eavesdropping or butting in.

He walked through the maze of halls that lead to his friend's home and hummed the tune to “With This Knife” softly. When he reached Hiro's door, he knocked once and no one answered. Twice, still no one answered. He knocked on more time and then left when no one still answered the door. Either Hiro was home and just didn't want to talk to him or he and Ayaka had gone out. Shuichi was really hoping for the latter because, first, he hadn't heard any movement inside the apartment, and, second, he didn't want to lose the friend he'd had since middle school. He knew that his cutting hurt everyone, but he also needed everyone to get through it.

Shuichi ran his hands through his hair as he walked outside and realized that it was slightly starting to freeze in chunks. He looked around surprised and finally noticed that it was snowing. The first snow of the year and he hadn't realized it.

He climbed back into his car and drove home. He didn't know if the short drive to Hiro's had helped to clear his mind any, but hearing the song did.

He pulled into his spot and made his way up to his apartment, pausing as he heard the slight echo of a television in the apartment across the hall from his own. An idea planted itself in his mind and he figured that even if the song hadn't helped to make him feel better, this would. He would apologize for Tatsuha's behavior and then maybe the two would stop fighting for a while. Yeah right, but you never know.

He knocked twice on the cold, hard wood and heard the television's volume go down a notch or two before the door opened.

“What do you want?” The surprised voice echoed down the corridor as Yuki opened the door.

“To talk to you,” Shuichi stated and sighed when Yuki stepped aside before walking in.

Shuichi heard the door click shut behind him and closed his eyes as Yuki walked past him.

“Have a seat,” Yuki said and pointed to the couch before disappearing in to the kitchen. “Can I get you anything?”

“A cigarette would be really nice,” Shuichi mumbled and smiled sheepishly at the surprised look on Yuki's face.

“Damn, you have changed, haven't you?” Yuki said and walked back into the living room with a beer before offering Shuichi a cigarette.

Shuichi took it gratefully and lit it, taking a long drag to clear his mind and figure out what to say to his ex-lover.

“You're not talking very much…, Shuichi.” The brunette muttered the name as if he still couldn't believe that the wreck before him used to be the boy he was.

Shuichi smiled and slightly and put out the cigarette. “That's me, and I just wanted to apologize for Tat. He had no reason to do that to you.” The amethyst eyes lingered on the fading yellow-green bruise over Yuki's left eye.

“We're brothers. That's what brothers do.”

“I guess,” Shuichi chuckled and reached out to touch it lightly. “Does it hurt?”

Yuki flinched slight at Shuichi's touch but then relaxed and let his ex-lover run gentle fingers over the ugly battle wound. “Not as much as it did earlier this week.”

Yuki closed his eyes and let Shuichi brushed the discolored bangs out of his eyes.

God, he's still so beautiful, Shuichi thought. No one would ever know by looking at him.

“I want to apologize, too,” Yuki mumbled and opened his eyes, allowing them to bore into Shuichi's.

Shuichi gasped quietly and closed his eyes. “For what?”

Yuki laughed quietly and shook his head. “Please don't act like nothing happened, Shuichi. I hurt you and I was wrong to do so. You were so innocent and beautiful and never deserved it.”

“I was innocent and beautiful?” Shuichi chuckled.

“You're still beautiful, but I can't say innocent anymore. I took you innocence from you and I'm sorry. I took away what made you you.”

“Yeah, but I like the new me better,” Shuichi mumbled. “Less innocence means less ignorance and less chances of getting hurt like I was.”

Yuki sighed and closed his eyes, a tear falling down his cheek. “I'm so sorry,” he sobbed and put his face in his hands. “I'm sorry for everything, no just hurting you physically. I put you through so much shit and hurt you mentally and emotionally as well.”

Shuichi chocked back a sob and put a hand on Yuki's shoulder. “You're not to blame for any of this,” he consoled. “This is the way it was meant to be.”

Yuki stopped crying and looked up at Shuichi who just smiled self-depreciatingly and looked away. Before he knew enough to stop himself, Yuki kissed Shuichi again.

Shuichi's eyes widened in surprised and then closed slowly. He began to kiss back hungrily and allowed Yuki's tongue to enter his mouth when he felt the man nibble at his bottom lip. That mouth, the one from so long ago, still tasted the same and he moaned slightly into Yuki's mouth. Shuichi moved and swung his legs around Yuki to straddle his lap, becoming that eighteen year old boy again, if only for the moment.

Yuki pulled away from Shuichi's mouth and gazed into his amethyst eyes, wanting them to tell him to stop, that what they were doing was wrong, but they didn't. He moved his lips down to Shuichi's collarbone, sucking on the tender flesh at the hollow of his throat.

“Just don't…mark,” Shuichi moaned and Yuki nodded. It would be foolish to alert Tatsuha of his fun so soon.

Yuki slid the jacket from Shuichi's shoulders and pulled away to look at the scabs he felt graze against the side of his hands. He ran his fingers lightly over the self-inflicted wounds and a quiet sob escaped his lips before Shuichi took them up again.

Shuichi slid his hands underneath Yuki's shirt, feeling the muscles tense at his slightest touch. His fingers danced lightly along the smooth skin of Yuki's chest, basking in the heat that seemed to radiate from the brunette and help warm his icy soul.

Yuki's hands found refuge in Shuichi's shaggy raven locks and he pulled him closer. A muffled sob escaped from their kiss and Yuki pulled away to see that Shuichi was crying.

“I'm sorry,” Yuki mumbled, letting his hands fall slack.

Shuichi stood up quickly and felt his lips. They weren't swollen, which was good and meant that he could hide from Tatsuha for a little while.

“It's not your fault, Yuki. I'm sorry,' Shuichi whispered and pulled his jacket on before leaving.

He pulled the door closed behind him and let himself cry. A small cough echoed down the hall and pulled Shuichi from his self-pity.

He looked lifted his amethyst eyes up from the ground and found refuge in the silently seething man's gray ones. At a loss of what to say, Shuichi mumbled the only thing that came to his mind. “Tatsuha.”

 

TBC…

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A/N: How was that for an ending? Yeah, I know…it sucked. The whole thing sucked. Oh well. I dunno why I have to be so mean to poor Shuichi; he never did anything to me. It's just so easy! He, he.

For those of you who caught it, I'm not sorry for the Ashlee Simpson joke in the part where the band's talking about what to do for their tour (the band playing a different song than what Shuichi was singing. He, he). I can't stand her or her sister or pop or rap music in general, so I choose to make fun of them as often as possible. That was just too good of a chance to miss.

Anywho, thanks to all of my loyal reviewers. Y'all know who you are, but in case you don't: Lenora, izumi, Kitty in the Box, Darkness Flames, Ranger, Guren, angyl1069, subzero13, Moonfairyhime, and GravityNeko!!! If you left a signed review or your e-mail, you should have gotten a thank you e-mail. If you didn't, I'm sorry. Oh yeah, Guren, I tried e-mailing you but it got sent back. Sorry! Thank you, thank you, thank you to my most loyal reviewer!!