Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Semblance of Peace ❯ Painful Feelings ( Chapter 5 )

Don't be mad at me. I know it's kinda late… he he he… enjoy…

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Hiro ran all the way back to the NG building. He stormed into the main office in a flurry of anger, grief and guilt. He paid no attention whatsoever to the women behind the front desk when they attempted to greet him.

He couldn't believe what he had just done; What he had just said. He felt so horrible for acting the way he had and for saying those things to Shuichi. A pang of remorse wormed through his gut at the thought of how he had just left his best friend sitting on the floor bawling.

At the same time he felt phantom burns on his face in the places that Shuichi had slapped him.

 

Hiro knew he deserved to be slapped for what he had said. The gitarist hadn't meant for it to come across in such a way, but deep down it was really what he had been trying to do. He wanted Shuichi to hit him, to get angry and furious with him. He wanted to hurt his best friend, the one he claimed to love so dearly because ,deep down, he felt that the kid deserved to be hurt for what he had done; For choosing Yuki over him. For choosing to sentence himself to a life of constant anxiety, insecurity and loneliness just so he could be with that insensitive asshole he called a lover.

 

The evening had definitely not gone how he had hoped it would have, though he hadn't really planned for it to happen at all. It was something that just sort of came out and his feelings continued to clash inside of him even after having spent much of his anger on the run over to NG.

 

He thought about everything that had transpired as he approached his bike in the underground parkade. He thought about how he had felt such love and need for Shuichi and at the same time, wanted nothing more then to take back everything and just pretend it never happened. To just go on smiling for eternity.

Oh, how he wished he could take it all back.

 

“God how could I have been so stupid!” He yelled at himself as he slammed the bike into gear and tore out into the streets. Hiro was so angry at himself for making Shuichi feel like he had to choose between him and Yuki, but at the same time he was angry with him for even having to make a choice in the first place.

 

`There shouldn't even be a fucking competition!' the spurned musician thought bitterly as he narrowly squeezed between cars at a red light so he could turn left and get onto the street he needed, despite the illegality of doing so.

`He shouldn't have to pick between us! He knows I could make him happy! Fuck, I already do make him happy! God, why didn't I tell him sooner!?'

 

The rain battered and lashed at Hiro the whole length of the ride and the thunder, wind and lightening that ripped through the skies seemed to mirror his inner ferocity. By the time he made it home he was soaked from head to toe.

Instead of taking off his--

`Oh shit! I'm still in Yuki's clothes!'

 

The thought of being in his rivals clothing made Hiro sick to his stomach and furious with rage. Then he thought of Shuichi, and how kind and happy he had been when he had lent the clothes to him and he instantly felt guilty all over again. It was like he couldn't think anything bad because it made him feel worse.

That seemed to be the general cycle of emotions. Sadness, rage and anger lead to feelings of guilt which then lead to more anger and then subsequently more feelings of remorse. It was like he hated Shuichi for making him hate himself and then he felt guilty towards his feelings and his own actions because they made him angry in the first place; as if his body was punishing him for feeling guilty about his own emotions.

 

There was nothing that he felt like doing at that particular moment and so he just continued to lean against his front door and stare down the dark hallway into his living room.

 

After what seemed like forever he finally stopped staring into space and looked down at his feet. They were drowning in a puddle of rain water and he somehow found enough willpower to push himself sluggishly into the bathroom to get undressed.

He stripped off his borrowed clothes and laid them out over the towel rack to dry.

Shaking hands turned and adjusted the taps in the shower, as the auburn haired youth just continued to stare into oblivion. He felt so low to the ground that he didn't think it was possible for him to still be standing.

 

Hiro stepped into the shower and just braced his feet on the floor so he could lean his hands and arms against the wall and let the hot water cascade down his shoulders and over his shivering body. Though the rain that had battered him during his journey home had been warm, Hiro hadn't realized until he had gotten into the warmth of the shower just how cold he had really been.

The streams of water felt so soothing as they flowed and ebbed over him in irregular paths and trails. The water hugged him as it ran down his back, thighs and calves, and he just closed his eyes and sighed.

 

This was it. There was no way he could talk to Shuichi now. Not tomorrow or next week. Not ever.

He felt so miserable with himself and just felt like dying. If he had only stayed silent and let the feelings be for himself and himself alone, maybe this whole episode never would have happened. They would still be sitting there in Shuichi's living room, eating popcorn and juice on his couch and laughing at the cheesy old movie on T.V.

 

“But I had to go and say something to him…Like the stupid moron that I am!”

Hiro clenched his right hand into a fist and just banged on the shower wall repeatedly as he felt the tears he had tried to hold back start to fall and mingle with the water already streaming down his face. If it weren't for the fact that he was sobbing and shuddering, he wouldn't have know he was crying at all.

He thought he was past the crying stage, but apparently he was regressing. The disdained young guitarist ended up sliding down the wall and onto the shower floor when he could no longer hold himself or his heavy feelings up; His head of beautiful long red hair hanging low in shame and defeat as he cried.

~~~~~

 

The moment Yuki walked through the front door he knew something wasn't right. The lights were off and he could hear sobbing coming from somewhere in the house. He sat his suitcase down and immediately began to search for the source of the crying.

 

What he found, was Shuichi laying half on and half off the sofa and bawling his eyes out.

Yuki turned on the lights, only to find that the power was out.

Shuichi jumped when the blonde haired man placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and pulled him close.

 

“Yuki!” He exclaimed, “You're home! Oh… Yuki I'm so sorry!”

The author was confused. What did Shuichi have to be sorry about?

 

“Why are you sitting here crying Brat?” He asked rather gruffly, ignoring the welcome all together.

 

Shuichi sniffed and screwed his face up to try and stop the tears from starting again, but it didn't work.

With all the strength he had left, Shu threw himself at his lover, pulling both of them onto the floor, and there they continued to lay as the singer hugged Yuki's chest, sobbing and babbling incoherently.

 

Eiri listened carefully and was able to make out something about Hiro hurting or being hurt and that it was all his fault.

 

“Shuichi is Hiroshi-kun alright?” The author asked, his eyes looking over his lovers small body to check for any possible injuries.

 

The singer screwed up his face to prevent more tears from flowing.

“I…I don't know,” He whimpered as a fresh batch of tears found their way to his eyes. Shuichi just buried himself further into the soft familiar warmth that was his lover's embrace and let them fall.

 

“Want to tell me what happened?” The novelist asked softly in an uncharacteristically nice gesture. Normally the blonde despised listening to Shuichi prattle on about all the things that “troubled” him, but this time he actually feared that Hiroshi-kun was physically hurt and his lover was to distraught to tell him one way or another, so he opted to listen.

 

The pink haired singer looked up at him intently, his pink hair in disarray and his eyeliner running in long twin trails down his cheeks.

“We…we came home from the park *sniff* and I lent Hiro some of your clothes to wear b-because his were all wet,” The boy stated as calmly as he could, “ And after that everything was going great. We watched a movie and ate food” He motioned to the half empty platter of goodies laying abandoned next to the couch, “and then…then the power went out and *sniff* everything started…Hiro…he…”

Shuichi couldn't finish what he was trying to say. The memories were to fresh and vivid in his mind and the tears over took him before he could finish telling the story to Yuki.

 

Apparently, the novelist perceived everything differently then how it actually had happened and his mind was already filling in the ending.

“Did he touch you Shuichi? Did he hurt you? What?! “ Yuki shouted as he shook his lover's shoulders, “Tell me what the hell happened or I'm going to go over to that little shits house right now and make him tell me and trust me, I'm in no mood to be nice about it!”

 

“Noo~hooo!” Shuichi cried through his tears as his blonde lover got up and started to put his coat back on, “Yuki don't leave! Ple~ease don't be mean to Hiro I just…I'll tell you what happened, just please don't leave m-me alone agai~hen!”

 

The author stopped moving when he felt a heavy, warm object attach itself to his right leg. Apparently, Shuichi had lunged forward and grappled himself on as hard as he could and it didn't look like the brat was going to be letting go voluntarily any time soon.

 

“Okay, fine I'll stay,” Eiri huffed as he shook his leg irritably to try and dislodge the boy, “But no more fucking crying alright?”

 

Shuichi sniffled, rubbed his eyes and nodded his head as he let go of Yuki's leg and sat back on his heels.

The blonde writer sat down on the couch and Shu crawled up next to him and laid his head down on his lovers lap.

The novelist rested a hand on the boys head and started to stroke his fine pink hair sympathetically as if he were a cat or a small dog. Eiri knew that if he didn't' want anymore tears to soak into his already damp clothing, then he was going to have to at least attempt too make Shuichi feel secure or the bawling would start all over again.

 

For a few rare minutes, both of them just sat there contentedly, each enjoying the others silence, but for different reasons.

For Shuichi, his lover's silence and gentle stroking of his hair calmed him down immensely and made him feel protected, almost as if Yuki were there to keep his feelings from hurting him as they came out.

For Eiri, the silence was peaceful because it meant that Shuichi was neither happy, nor upset. He knew what he was doing to the boys hair was working and that helped calm his nicotine deprived nerves somewhat.

 

“So?” the novelist said quietly as he rubbed his hand up and down his lover's back soothingly, “Ready to talk yet?”

 

Shuichi took a few deep breaths, thought about where he should start and began telling Yuki about the entire night and everything that had happened.

The novelist just sat in silence as his small lover steadily retold all that was said and done. At first he didn't know if he should be hurt or angry.

 

When it came time to tell Yuki about what Hiro had said about him, Shuichi paused. He knew that his lover would not be happy, but he decided to go ahead with it anyway. After all, Eiri had taken everything else well enough.

 

“And…then he said that I give and give and give to you and that you don't say or so anything in return. He said that…I was just…” Shuichi paused. What Hiro had said next still ached very much and he didn't think it would stop any time soon.

“And he said that to you …I'm just a conveniently placed piece of ass and…that's when I…slapped him.” Shuichi winced when he said this, as if it still hurt him to talk about it. The boy looked callously at his hands before continuing.

“I was just so angry! I mean sure I was called a lot of things in high school and, thinking back on some of them now, they were right! But regardless, Hiro was always there to stand up for me when I got called a Homo or a fag or whatever… To have him say something like that to me…well it…Yuki it hurt so badly I couldn't stand it…”

 

When he was finished talking, Shuichi merely laid his head down on his lover's lap and stared off into nothingness; emotionally and physically drained.

 

The screaming silence that followed his lover's speech, told Eiri that the boy was finished talking. The author continued to sit on the couch and let his koi rest on him, despite his desperate need for a cigarette, a beer, and a fuck.

Many unusual feelings were swimming inside Yuki's head and it confused him because he hated it when the boy made him feel jealous and protective. It showed that he cared to much for his own damn good.

 

After a good ten minutes of concentrative silence, Eiri started to get up. He gently slipped his lover's now sleeping body fully onto the couch and reached beside the sofa to grab the Chenille throw they kept there for what Shuichi liked to call “Cuddle time.”

After carefully laying the red and black blanket over the sleeping boy, Yuki slid silently out of the room and towards the kitchen. He grabbed a pen and some stationary and went back into the living room with it. He slid on his coat and paused to write a quick note.

 

Brat,

You fell asleep and I didn't want to wake you up. I decided to go and have a little chat with your friend.

Don't wait up,

Yuki

 

Placing the hastily scrawled note beside Shuichi's head, Eiri headed for the front door. He and Hiro had a few things to discuss.

~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

I know it's a …he he …bit late…. But please don't be angry. I wasn't going to finish and then I got a great idea and I don't know…This one is kind of all over the place with me…. You know it actually started as an entry for a fanfic contest on MM, but didn't quite make it in on time…and thus I started this wonderful little string of delayed posts! Have faith! I will finish it…one day…

Keep praying I'll get less lazy,

~Bakayasha~