Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Anathema ❯ Sweet Surrender ( Chapter 4 )

HI! Oh my god! Muh faithfuls how are ya? Well here is the second to last edition! . Sorry, just this one and one more and my angst epic is done! Promise. Woohoo. I am pumped. Sorry, I'll settle down now.

DISCLAIMER: Sunrise, Sotsu, Bandai. Not mine. I am a loser. Song isn't mine either, its Sarah Maclachlan's, bless her soul the goddess of song.

CATEGORY: Angst, yaoi, ...other stuff.

PAIRINGS: ::as Patrick from Spongebob:: Duuuuuuh....1x5 silly! Some 2+H (eep! I know I hate het too, its so boring but I didn't want my Duo-baby to be all alone! ^^; 3x4 mentioned.)

Duo: Eee! Girls give me the creeps!

Wufei: Weakling

LunaSeraph: Do I give you the creeps? ::chibi eyes::

Duo:...eh...

Heero: He's scared of anything that has breasts.

Duo: Hey!

LunaSeraph: Damn that means I scare Duo doesn't it?

Wufei: Not too modest today are we?

LunaSeraph: Nope ::throws a peace sign::

WARNINGS: ANGST like forever, SONGFIC! (eeeee!), yaoi, cursing, hazy confusion and sap. Its a vague theme I swear.

```- scene change

**-flashback

~-song thingies

Well, enjoy my precious ones.

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Sweet Surrender

By LunaSeraph

Edited by MinaStar

Heero sat still. His eyes glued to the wall. Keeping this still was easy with the icy presence of fear planting his legs into the ground. He shuddered at the sound of the incessant wheezing emitting from Wufei, who laid on the bed; paler and sicker than ever. Never before had Heero seen such an illness give him so much fear. //Why does this have to happen?\\ He rested his head on his palms, wanting to scream at the constant anxiety making itself known in his chest.

Wufei had become less productive now. And the doctor could do nothing. That nearly caused Heero to kill again. He held his ground, shakily, angrily, but like a soldier should have. And Wufei smiled idly, crossing his arms and glancing at Heero. 'I told you so.' It seemed that way.

Heero watched his lover sleeping. It seemed he was pained, even in his sleep. Why? Why did he have to be abominated in his slumber as well as the living world? Oh well. Now that he was fading away, Heero felt the coming series of depression pressing down on the household. It had been over one year since Wufei last saw Trowa. It made him glad that they hadn't mentioned him since the moment in the lake.

***

"If I let go it will be the end of me. And I won't love you anymore."

"If it will give you peace, then let go."

***

~Doesn't mean much

Doesn't mean anything at all~

Wufei closed his eyes beneath the sunlight. Heero sat next to him sadly puffing on a cigarette. It wasn't good for either Wufei or himself, but Heero decided it didn't make much of a difference now. His lover was dying, slowly, achingly. Quiet tempests within their minds roared each night. But, noone spoke much; similar to the beginning of the wars.

Sitting with his legs elevated, Wufei laid back on the grass beneath the orchid that neighbored their home. His lover had him partially on his lap, also taking in the sun that made its way through the branches. Hardly anything impressed him now. The lake was so beautiful, but fatigue prevented him from being giddy again.

Heero put the butt in his left hand out and stood, lifting Wufei off of the ground with him. Neither uttered a word as Duo's Mercedes pulled up in the driveway, with Hilde in the passenger's seat. The silent bitterness began to stir when she stepped out and waved in a friendly manner.

"Oi, Heero! How's it goin'?" Duo beamed as he flashed his left hand, causing Heero to glare at the little golden band that surrounded his fourth finger.

`````

Heero buried his face into his hands and wept mutedly. Shame and perspiration made its way down his face as the summer sun beat against the wooded area he lived in. A quiet and very sick Wufei sat reclined, watching the news on the television in their living room.

"I want to play..." Wufei breathed out, the shortness of breath was eminent and his arms were as limp as his health. Heero looked up amazed how Wufei easily forgived him. Of course anger was never an easy emotion to deal with. Hurling picture frames off of the wall was something Wufei was probably used to.

~The life I've left behind me is a cold room~

He had gotten angry over the Duo+Hilde concept that had changed their lives so suddenly. They were to marry in three months. //Too soon. Too naive of him to do such a thing.\\

"...it won't last..." Wufei uttered painfully. It was so hard to talk. But he didn't care, it was going to end soon. "...I-give it three and a half more weeks..." He laughed. //Three and half at most for me. It will be over with.\\ He began coughing in that instant with his laughter, the terrible wheezing that accompanied it made itself known to Heero's ears. His own head was throbbing with that dread of surrender. Wufei had let it go; and unfortunately the results were not as promising as he had hoped.

"Heero."

"What."

"I want to play."

"No."

"Why?"

"You're too sick."

"What? You think the piano will provoke my illness Heero? You think I will die on the keys?" Wufei laughed dryly and clasped his hands together in delight. His mind was screaming at him in this moment. Heero's eyes were like stone at that moment, so like the one in Wufei's heart. He felt the rope tighten around his dread.

"It doesn't matter to you anymore does it?" He droned quietly. Wufei softened and sighed, returning his gaze onto the lake.

"No."

"Go ahead, I don't care anymore either." Heero walked out of the room at that instant, leaving his heart in the room.

"Heero," Wufei walked softly into the bedroom, eyeing his saddened love. The misery was so audible in their breathing. Gently, he laid Heero down and kissed him; attempting to suck some of the strength his love was feeling to share. He wanted to please Heero at this moment, to tell him that he wanted to be with him, until his dying day. But it was apparent, that day would come anytime that year.

"God, Wufei." Heero nearly squeaked in pain. He peered up into those fading eyes; those gorgeous beacons; of misery. Heero sighed, the impeded sobs, wracking his breathing, creating hot breaths between that beautiful boy laying above him. Each strand of ebony falling around his delicate and fading features made Heero want him more. They laid there, resting and allowing the mutual tension to evaporate.

"I can make love to you now. If you let me." Wufei whispered rotating so his back was to Heero's stomach. Heero closed his eyes, cringing at the piano in the next room. It was beckoning to him.

"No, go play and then come to me. I need to see you play." He whispered tiredly. Wufei stared up into the cieling at the motionless cieling fan.

His insanity began to beckon forth. Heero's body moved up and down in the distance, hoping to catch up with his fleeing sanity.

//I am not like you. I am this one. I am that one. But I am not like you.\\

`````

~I've crossed the last line

From where I can't return~

"So Trowa. This is the end." Wufei whispered into the night sky. Heero was sound asleep on the bed and he stood out on the balcony leaning heavily on the rail. "I could just end it all right now, without having to torment Heero anymore..." Wufei looked down idly at the bluff below and smiled. Ever so lazily he leaned over the rail some more, relishing the imperial feeling of his heart's fear again. His legs lifted off of the ground as his stomach was all that held him attached to the house. Ceasing at once, he planted his feet back down on the pavement of the balcony. "But I can't. He wouldn't like that too much. I can't go back now. He has taken good care of me...I wonder how you're doing."

//Weak. You shouldn't be mingling with the strong anyhow, you have poisoned them with your shame.\\ He drooped downwards. //When will the pain go away?\\ He inhaled, missing the feeling of breathing and never feeling pain when he did so. His chest ached and his torsoe throbbed. Not sure of why these body parts where acting up, Wufei walked to the bathroom. Heero had given up on sedating him now, since he had grown too weak to act up anymore.

//I don't miss you anymore Trowa. I don't miss that world where we were together in the wars, through the pain, through the loss. I couldn't keep up with you. I am weak. I am everything shame represents.\\

~Where every step I took in faith betrayed me

And led me from my home~

//they are all gone. Perhaps it is best that this be my final destination. Perhaps I was destined to die with them. After all I was not meant to pilot Nataku. there fore I am not worthy of living any longer, this is happening for a reason. Yes. it is. That is why everything went so wrong, if I hadn't laid my grubby weak hands on Nataku, maybe everyone would still be alive. That is why I'm so lost.\\

Wufei opened the cabinet and popped two Tylenol capsules into his mouth. He bent over slurping up some tap water from the sink and lied back down on the bed, breathing heavily. //I should try and live, for him. But I've let go of Trowa. I've let go of everything.\\

~Sweet surrender

Is all that i have to give~

"Why Heero?" Wufei whispered down at his slumbering lover.

*****

~You take me in

No questions asked~

"Wufei, you can stay with me. I don't want you to be here." Heero looked around the hospital and grimaced. Strange men leering about, untrustworthy attendants prowling about the ward for the weak ones. Inept doctors lugging around ubiquitous notebooks in their robotic arms.

Wufei, indifferent to the convalescent hospital, journeyed into the back of his mind, where Heero was Trowa and he himself was much more worthy of being in the presence of these invalids. They were honest with themselves, with their vision of the world.

"Come Wufei." Heero held his friend's hand and guided him out of that wretched place. Wufei waved idly at the inhabitants, admiring the eerie silence that passed over them when he did so. //Even they are aware of how evil I am.\\ Wufei smirked as Heero walked him to the car.

*****

Wufei stood and walked downstairs. The house was so dark, so quiet. Duo was in the guest room with Hilde. He grimaced at the sight. //Once I'm gone, he should be here, with Heero. Why did Heero sacrifice Duo for me? I am worth nothing.\\

He continued on his thoughtful journey. Everything, hazy he leaned against a doorway. //Curse this blasted virus, eating away at my spirit!\\ Writhing beneath Heero's pajama shirt, Wufei opened the front door, gapsing at the sudden cold that pummeled inside the house.

*****

~You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me~

Heero stepped into the shower with his love, washing him with such gentle care. Wufei watched in amazement as Heero held him close under that warm water. He had just leapt into the lake that sat underneath the March sky. Now they showered gently together, never really touching each other's sensitive areas.

It was astonishing how patient Heero was. He never faltered at Wufei's agonizingly wavering behavior.And he never let his hands fall down on the ill-fated boy. Every touch was gentle or demanding in the manner where it was best for Wufei's health. The chinese boy shuddered excitedly under the touch of Heero's working hands. They found themselves kissing sweetly on the shower floor, allowing the warm water to pound on their winter bitten backs.

"...wufei-" Heero breathed out in happiness as his love smiled and kissed him once more.

"You're so good to me Heero. Why?"

"I love you."

*****

Every leaf had fallen off of its branch. Every living thing was either slumbering or hunting. Wufei wandered aimlessly through the dark surprised Heero hadn't found him yet. The perfect soldier was consistent with those things.

"He was too good to me.." Wufei wept on the ground near his favorite orchid by the lake. He kept finding himself here, over and over, when he attempted to flee from that house. He never really wanted to leave Heero, he just wanted to leave something he knew he didn't deserve. He coughed roughly and gasped, wishing he had thought ahead and brought his inhaler. He lied on his side, smiling at the cloudless sky that watched over him. Trowa was somewhere up there, with Quatre. "Trowa he was too good to me. You know that by now don't you? Trowa?" Wufei laughed dryly. " I don't love you. I feel nothing but a brick wall when I think of you now. I hope that pleases you. Heero loves me. I suppose I should live for him now. Shouldn't I?" Wufei asked the night. The silence tickled him. And he laughed as he thought about his love asleep in their bedroom.

*****

~Are you an angel~

Heero sat at the dinner table eyeing Wufei's reaction to the Chinese food he had prepared for the first time in his life. The small raven haired youth, frowned in thought at the weak chow mein, but didn't want to upset the ever-so trying Heero.

"It's good."

"You're lying."

"Yeah. But thank you. I appreciate the effort you put into it Heero." They smiled shyly at each other and finished the meal.

Heero was so devoted to making him happy, making him better. But it wouldn't make a difference would it? Would it change the destiny each of them had? Wufei laid back into his thoughts.

//Quiet. Churning men, they hold their heads in pride. You are obsolete in this scheme of things. He is much too strong for you to mingle with. Go back and wrap yourself up in the room you have locked yourself in before. That gas chamber that reads on the door : The Final Word of Chang. Weakling, has succumb to the every day oddities of the others. Let go. Let go of everything he held dear. As soon as that virus came along.\\

~Am I already that gone?~

"Wufei. Please stop."

"Why?" Wufei played the piano slowly, the melody of "Fur Elise" by Mozart echoing throughout the household.

"I am so tired. I need to go to work tomorrow. Please come to bed."

"O...k" Wufei stood and pushed the bench in. There was no need to cover the keys, Heero had removed that little door for Wufei's sake. He stood warily, unknowing to the sedative Heero had injected into him while he was playing. Suddenly finding himself in Heero's embrace, he gazed upwards, halflidded and very warm.

"mm. I want to kiss you." He whispered.

"That's fine with me.." Heero grinned genuinely and locked lips with him. When he released Wufei from the kiss, he found he had already fallen asleep from the sedate. Heero frowned a bit dissappointed.

*****

~I only hope that I won't disappoint you~

//I will live for him. I will love for him.\\

"Wufei!" The chinese boy darted upwards at once. Heero looked angry. Wufei sat up on his knees looking up weakly at his lover.

"What is it?"

"Why are you out here?!"

"I need to be. I'm letting it go Heero. Im letting the last of it go." Wufei choked happily. The Japanese youth merely snorted and yanked Wufei into standing position.

~When I'm down here on my knees~

He kissed him fiercely, tasting everything he could from Wufei.

"This will not be the last night I spend with you!" Heero hissed desperately.

"I sure hope not." Wufei answered and clung tightly to the boy.

*****

~Sweet surrender is all that I have to give~

" I came with you. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"I wanted you to love me."

"I do!..."

"But..."

"...but, I can't love you. It will fuck things up you know! I can't! I die. You die!!"

"Wufei!..."

~ And I don't understand

By the touch of your hand

I would be the one to fall~

*****

"Come inside Wufei."

Wufei gazed up into the sky one last time, smiling at his release. //Goodbye Trowa.\\

~I miss the little things~

He raked up every emotion and felt like a replenishment worker, cleaning up the place and returning them to their original spots. Quietly mulling over the joy of releasing his first love into space. His heart letting go of that beautifully disturbed youth in space that used to love him. Used to beat him. Used to be with him. Used to tell him everything he wanted to hear.

~Oh I miss everything~

But he let go. Heero loved him now. He loved Heero. But that anathema would return, that mockery that bitchery that sneered from behind the curtains of his dreams. Those dreams that he could never reach, not in this lifetime. He had killed Treize, he had loved and been loved in return, he had avenged Meilan and the colony. All he had to do now was face the death that had been touching on his spirit ever so often, like a tax collector, warning frequently about the day when everything would be decided. It was not in his power to decide whether or not he lived or died, whether or not Duo married Hilde, whether Heero would be happy. He was Wufei Chang that boy from L5 who proved to everyone how vulnerable he could be. //I am the personification of frailty. Every bone will crumble before the Gods.\\

~Doesn't mean much

Doesn't mean anything at all~

`````

Heero smiled briefly at the sunrise. He leaned on his lover, who's body now lay cold beneath the sheets they slumbered in.

*****

"The screams will end one day."

"They will once I have claimed the right to die."

*****

"Wufei?"

*****

"God I love you."

"I love you too."

"I never thought I would say it like that Wufei."

"Like what?"

*****

"Wufei wake up." Heero touched his lover's forehead and clenched his eyes shut at the cold surface. Turning his lover to face him, he found those wide, endlessly black eyes open; but they were placid, happy. Still troubled from the lingering insanity that had once dwelled inside the boy, but he was soft now. "No. Wufei!"

*****

"This life and the next one will make us cross paths again."

"Are you sure Heero?"

"I know so. It's inevitable you see, I feel like I've known you forever. Don't dwell on this life too much, for the next one will be more ardous for you and I. As long as we keep our heads, nothing will go wrong."

"Hn. Then this life means nothing, if the next one holds more suffering. We gain much more in the presence of sacrifice and lessons."

"Yes."

*****

Heero sat hunched over the edge of the bed, sobbing quietly into his left arm. So much death surrounded him before. Why did this bear down on his spirit now? How was this loss significant? Crying out in anger, Heero thrashed and hurled everything he could find into a wall. Ramming his fist into the walls, breaking picture frames; Heero's body crumpled onto the ground. His lover, still peaceful, still gone.

Duo had gone to the grocery store with Hilde and would be returning shortly. to find what? No one knew.

*****

"You are so beautiful..."

"Don't describe me like that."

"Why?"

"It's a woman's compliment."

"The mountains are beautiful, yet they are powerful."

"Hm."

"You are beautiful."

"Thank you. You are pretty too."

*****

"Heero..."

*****

//They speak to me in those words that kill my spirit more.

I am useless.\\

The lake was a sanctuary from his mind. From Heero's eternal concerns. Everything was pointless outside of the lake. But inside he could sense his spirit becoming free.

"Bring me here, when I can't move my legs Heero..."

*****

Heero whirled around nearly choking on his own breath.

*****

"Are we meant to live this life together Heero?"

"We shall see."

"I want to forget everything. I want only you."

"Only you control that Wufei."

~The life I've left behind me is a cold room~

*****

Heero glared at the lake and at the dampness of his trousers. He felt hatred, anger and every other negative emotion he could muster to think of. But relief washed his senses at the fact that Wufei wasn't suffering the onslaught of his illness, or his own mind. The whole experience left him confused and aching with the longing for an answer to the equation of death; and why certain people were taken before others. But then again, he never really believed in God, so there was no one to ask, no one to turn to. He was meandering in the oblivion of the remnants of Wufei's spirit. Wandering amidst those muffled voices, screams, messages of the past that left him thinking if there would ever be an end to the incessant shrieking of mankind's suffering.

//He is not here. He wanted to leave. He wanted to abandon me like this.\\

`````

"Heero. Smile. You're my best man."

"Wufei's dead."

Duo dropped everything and stood, his eyes wide, his heart racing. Hilde stood behind him with two bags of groceries.

"I have let go already. He is....gone." Heero sighed simply and pointed to the lake. He walked passed his ex, passed the bride, passed the house and into the dirt road that lead to the main highway.

"Heero-where are you going?" Duo croaked amidst the tears falling down his face.

"I don't know...." He kneeled down in the road, sighing in content. " We shall see in the next life."

~Sweet surrender

Sweet surrender is all that I have to give~

*****

"HEERO!"

"Huh?"

"you're dreaming."

"-Wufei, you're alive."

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Still TBC sorry

OMG! I am almost done! I am SO almost done. SOOOOOOOOOOO confusing huh? Sorry bout that. Its just that Heero was having his OWN bouts with insanity and stuff. Wow, pretty rough huh? .

. So tell me what'd you think. I know, it's harsh, CONFUSING, deathy, sad and sadistic. SORRY! Well, I'm not REALLY sorry! So muh faithfuls tell me what you thought. Please. BYE!