Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing character and I'm not making a profit by writing this. This is purely for pleasure!

Warnings: Language, yaoi, eventual lemon, angst, attempted suicide, silliness

Authors note: Note that things WILL start to get a lot more Angsty after this chapter.

This fic completely disregards Endless Waltz.

Chapter 5: Silent Night

Heero's POV

The living room was only illuminated by the lights of the Christmas tree and the glowing blue numbers on the clock that informed me it was 11:39 pm.

It was Christmas Eve and, according to Duo, a fat, jolly old man in a red suit was supposed to be flying around Earth and the Colonies tonight. Supposedly with the intention of bring kids Christmas presents. However, all the fat old men that I had ever met were perverts, so who knew what the guy really did when he visited all the children. The most unbelievable part of the story was how the guy traveled. Even I was smart enough to know that reindeer didn't fly. There were other, more technologically advanced methods of traveling around the Earth and the Colonies in one night. The whole story sounded fishy to me, especially when Quatre kept bursting out into fits of giggles and Wufei kept smirking while Duo told about this serious, religious holiday.

I thought it was highly unlikely that this Clause guy even existed. However, I was never one to take anything lightly and I'd be a sorry excuse for a Gundam pilot if I let some fat, perverted, old man try to break into my house. As a precaution, my gun was tucked into the back of my spandex. Just in case.

The others, of course, had dismissed the threat and had already gone to bed, leaving me alone in the living room to keep an eye on the fireplace. Well, alone except for Shinigami.

Right now he had decided the shinny packaged under the tree were the most interesting thing in the world. Correction: the curly ribbons attached to the packages were the most interesting things in the world, which it pounced, clawed and swiped at with wild abandon.

The small kitten seemed to be the incarnation of Duo-God help up-with its stunning violet eyes and insatiable curiosity. Despite their uncanny similarities, Duo and Shini fought constantly. The kitten loved to pounce on Duo's braid, a fact that annoyed Duo to no end because it usually resulted in Duo having to re-braid his hair again. Shini had also sharpened his claws on Duo's favorite pair of jeans a couple of days ago and Duo had chased the poor thing through the house until the kitten finally found me working out in the basement and ran behind me to hide from the enraged Duo. To everyone's surprise, the black cat had taken an instant liking to me. He followed me everywhere around the house and only seemed to leave my side when he felt the urge to torment Duo. It didn't really bother me having him a shadow. He never got in my way and I'd found it comforting when he napped in my lap when I was on my laptop. He even slept with me, although he had to wait until after Duo had fallen asleep. Shini had found out during his first week with us just how mad Duo got if he found Shini in bed with me before Duo had gotten in. Personally, I found their feud amusing and it was hard to believe only a month had passed. It seemed to everyone that Shini had always been a part of our lives.

My head jerked towards the tree as I heard the tinkling of glass breaking. My eyes focused on the broken ornament, but didn't really see it. Instead, remembering the sound of different glass breaking not too long ago. So much had changed since then. I still felt of twinge of guilt when I thought about the last mission J had given me. However, I no longer felt the overriding compulsion to kill myself when I thought about it. I seemed to have a new mission: Protect Duo. Love Duo. Live for Duo.

I love him. I'm nearly certain of it now, although I haven't said the words to him yet. Every night, before we fall asleep, he tells me he loves me. Every night, I try to answer him back, but I can't. I'm afraid too. Yes, the Perfect Soldier is afraid. Afraid that what I'm feeling really isn't love. Afraid that if I tell him I love him, it would be a lie.

Duo hasn't pushed me to confess my love for him yet and I'm grateful. He seems to know that I need more time still. Seems to know that I'm nowhere near healed. Sometimes it amazes me that he still puts up with me. The side-affects of the Saratine leaving my system have gotten worse in these past weeks, and my emotional mood swings have been erratic, at best, hitting me with no warning. Duo helps me through them. Its comforting to know that he's there if I need him, to help me not break down completely when the highs hit. And he's there for me in those first, critical minutes of my lows, when I shut down again. When I can no longer feel anything except emptiness. When I can't even remember what it feels like to love Duo-it it's really love that I'm feeling. It's then that I start to seriously consider suicide again. It's only Duo's presence that reminds me that I have a reason to live. And only my faith that I do love Duo, and will feel that love the next time my highs hit.

The others help too, if they can. They know about my condition now; I told them with Duo's instance. They took the news rather well, actually. I'm glad they didn't pity me. I don't think I could've taken it if they had pitied me. If they somehow thought I was weaker now than before. If I was somehow less in their eyes.

During the war, I lived from moment to moment, day to day. I never knew if I would see tomorrow, let alone the end of the war. And now that I've lived to see the war's end, I find myself still living from day to day, moment to moment. Every morning, I get up and ask myself why I'm still alive. Every time a low hits, I wonder why I put myself through this. And every time, I come up with the same answer.

I didn't lie when I told Duo I had found my reason to live. Who would've thought that Duo, the annoying, loud mouth, braided baka, would have such and impact on me? Now Duo might not be a good reason to live, and I often find myself wondering why he, out of all people, ended up being my salvation. In the end, I have to trust my own judgment. If Duo was a good enough reason to live yesterday, then he's a good enough reason to live today too. And I've never regretted my decision. Not once. Duo's become my link to the outside world. My lifeline. The one that pulled me out of the shattered debris of my life and is showing me how to live-something that Dr.J conveniently left out of his extensive training exercises. Sure, I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be in this area-our trip to the mall is a perfect example of this-but I'm getting better. I'm trying. At least I didn't attempt to kill a kid this time.

I smirked. Of course, there were some areas of Duo's training that I picked up on faster than others. Sex with Duo was indescribable. The things that he does to me . . . Jesus, it makes me hard just thinking about it.

A slight rustling broke me out of my thoughts, and I went on full alert, looking around for signs of an intruder. My gaze tracked the noise to the tree in time to see Shini climbing up between the branches and settling somewhere in the middle of the tree. With Shini's dark coloring, it was nearly impossible to see him; the only clue to his position was the twin violet orbs shinning out at me.

Satisfied that there was no intruder, I laid back on the couch and starred at the ceiling. Thinking about Duo had given me a hard on and I tried desperately to ignore it away, like I used to. I could've woken up Duo; he would've taken care of it for me. However, that would've meant abandoning my post in front of the fireplace. Not to mention Duo had been really tired when he went to bed tonight; he needed his sleep.

I sighed and rolled onto my side. It was late and I was unfortunately my body requires more sleep than it used to. I figured it was safe to go to sleep for a little bit. I'm still a light sleeper and if anyone tried to break in, I would know. Closing my eyes, I heard rustling again from the tree and then the quiet padding of paws across the hardwood floor. Then there was pressure against my cheek as he jumped up to the couch and settled down next to me. Shifting, I curled my hand protectively around him.

As sleep moved in, I wondered what I'd done to deserve Duo. I'm not a saint. I've killed hundreds without a thought. I've killed thousands without shedding a single tear. Surely there were other people better deserving of Duo's love than me. As I drifted off to sleep, I though, but I'm the one who has him and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he stays.