Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing character and I'm not making a profit by writing this. This is purely for pleasure!

Warnings: Language, yaoi, eventual lemon, angst, attempted suicide, silliness

Authors note: Okay, its all Angst from here on in people, just like I promised!

ARTISTS: Hey, if you can draw, I would really like to see a picture done of Heero and Shinigami curled up on the couch together. I tried to draw it myself, but I couldn't get it to come out right. Will anyone else draw it for me??? . . . . . Please???? *gives puppy dog eyes*

This fic completely disregards Endless Waltz.

Chapter 6: Losing Something Precious

Duo's POV

I woke up early Christmas morning. This was my first reach chance to celebrate Christmas correctly and I wasn't going to miss a second of it. Unlike Heero, who had never celebrated Christmas and hadn't even known what it was until a month ago, I'd celebrated Christmas sporadically through my childhood. Living on the streets, there was rarely enough food, let alone the means to really have fun on Christmas. Back then, Christmas had meant there was more food to be had when people threw out Christmas dinner leftovers. When I stayed at the Church, there was always enough o eat, but little money to spend on anything else, like gifts for all the kids. Once I became a Gundam pilot, there wasn't time to celebrate. Hell, one Christmas I even spent in an OZ jail cell before I managed to break out.

This Christmas was going to be different though. Now that there was enough time to finally sit down and enjoy things properly, I'd made sure that there was enough food to eat and I'd spent hours searching for the perfect gifts for everyone. Best of all though, was that Heero would be with me. We were going to celebrate Christmas together. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Stretching lazily in the bed, I turned over to curl up next to Heero only to find the bed empty. That wasn't really unusual though. He was normally the first one to wake.

Bounding up out of bed, I was bubbling with excitement. A quick glance at my clock told me that it was 7:04 am and I figured that the others had had enough sleep. I was out of bed in a flash; taking the stairs three at a time, a moment later I was barging into Wufei's room. I leapt onto the bed, effectively waking the Chinese man. Then just as quickly, I jumped off again, making sure I was out of kicking distance.

A pillow hit me instead.

"God damn it! I hate it when you do that! If I ever catch you in my room again, I'm going to flay you alive!" He waved his sword-which was never far from him-menacingly at me.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "You'd have to chat me first! Besides, where's your Christmas spirit, man? It's Christmas morning; time to open presents!"

Now that Wufei was awake, I bound out of the room while Wufei muttered something about an "indecent time of morning" and "injustice" while searching for something to wear.

I stopped in front of Quatre's and Trowa's door. I knew better than to barge in on them like I had on Wufei. That was a good way to see more than you wanted to of the lovebirds' relationship.

Banging on the door instead, I yelled, "Cat! Tro! Wake up! Time to open presents!"

"Uh . . . . give us five-no make that ten more minutes and then we'll be down!" came Quatre's muffled reply. I heard giggling behind the door and Quatre, slightly quieter, "Do you think ten minutes is enough?"

Grinning happily, I bound off down the hall and cleared the stairs in two big leaps. My stomache gave a loud growl as I hit the bottom. I decided a quick stop to the kitchen was in order before searching for Heero.

The others came down just as I was wolfing down my second bowl of cereal.

"Hey guys! Ready to open gifts yet?" I asked excitedly.

"Duo," Quatre said groggily, "I don't do anything until I've had my coffee."

I grinned and pointed towards the coffee maker. "Already started brewing some." Then I smirked. "And you do some things before you've had your coffee."

Quatre blushed and retreated to the coffee maker. Pouring a cup for himself and Trowa.

"Don't know," I said as I placed my empty bowl in sink. "I was about to go look for him when my stomach got side tracked."

"Do you ever thing with anything besides your stomach?" Wufei shot back as he stalked over to pour himself his own cup of coffee. He was obviously still grumpy from my wake-up call.

I waited until he turned around and I had his full attention before I wiggled my eyebrows at him suggestively and said, "Yeah, my dick."

He groaned and turned away quickly.

"Hey, you were asking for that one, Wu-man!" I told him joyfully. Then, "Now, can we open presents?"

Not waiting for an answer, I rushed into the living room. The others followed at a more subdued pace.

That's when I discovered Heero. I'd never seen my lover look so young, so innocent as he did at that moment. His compact body was stretched out across the couch with his hair failing messily into his closed eyes, his face peaceful in sleep. Shinigami was curled up by his cheek. The black menace actually looked cute like that, and for a moment I forgot how annoying he was when awake. I could almost forget that the pair, when awake, could be classified as terrorists in their own right.

The others seemed to be as shocked as I was at the unusual scene. I don't think they'd ever seen the Perfect Soldier look so vulnerable before, although Heero would slit my throat if he ever heard me call him that.

The moment was ruined when Heero opened his eyes, becoming instantly awake within seconds.

Then my earlier excitement returned. "Merry Christmas, Hee-chan!" I said happily as I bound over and plopped down on a free sliver of the couch. The sudden movement woke Shinigami and the black kitten glared at me.

"Hn," Heero replied as he sat up, unconsciously scooping Shini up so that he was now curled in his lap.

"Merry Christmas, Heero," Quatre echoed from the armchair where he was perched on Trowa's lap.

Heero nodded his acknowledgement.

For a moment, I allowed myself to feel a flash of envy for Quatre. He at least had a boyfriend who wasn't afraid to show public affection. It was just my luck that I had to fall in love with the stoic Perfect Soldier. Hell, I was thrilled when he sat close enough to me that our thighs brushed together. That was about as public as Heero's affection got. But then, our relationship was still fairly new and I had known from the start what I was getting into. If I didn't like it, then I had no one to blame but myself.

"So, can we do presents now?" I asked eagerly, eyeing the small mound of packages under the tree.

"Duo, I don't think a tank could stop you from opening those presents," Wufei said from the loveseat.

"Damn straight!" I cried and dived for the gifts.

Handing out presents to the others, I ignored my own as I watched their faces as they opened their first gifts. Soon, all the presents from under the tree had been unwrapped and it has been just as much fun as I thought it would be. It was just as if we were a real family. It actually felt like I had a real family to belong to. Of course, we were a really warped family, considering we had all killed hundreds of thousands of people before the age of sixteen and piloted to the most feared mobile suits ever created. Not to mention four out of the five of us were openly gay while the fifth was still in the closet while insisting that he was strait.

All my time searching for the perfect gift with Heero at the mall had paid off. They all seemed to love everything I got for them. Heero had actually been the hardest to buy for. For one thing, Heero doesn't seem to need anything that he doesn't already have. It wasn't until we were browsing through an electronics store that I noticed him looking longingly-or as longingly as Heero can look-at a piece of software. It was even harder to buy it without him noticing, but I managed it. He seemed pleased and even smiled at me briefly when nobody else was watching.

It all seemed almost to perfect. Except one thing was still missing: Heero's present to me.

Softly, I asked him, "You didn't get me anything, did you?" Unfortunately, I was living in a house full of Gundam pilots and all eyes turned towards Heero and me.

Heero frowned slightly, as if confused.

"Hn. I didn't know I was supposed to participate in the religious ritual. Besides. You said you had everything taken care of."

I sighed inwardly, careful not to let Heero see my disappointment. It was probably too much to ask for anyways. I mean, having Heero at all was a literal dream come true. What more could I ask for?

Heero's frown deepened.

"Never mind," I said, quickly reverting to my happy, cheerful self. "It doesn't really matter. I was just wondering." I stood up from the couch and went to hug and thank Quatre, Trowa and Wufei for their gifts. Then I annoced I was going to go take a shower before brunch.

Before anyone could protest, I withdrew into our shared room. My clothes were quickly discarded and I quickly ran into the bathroom to start the water running. While waiting for the water to reach the right temperature, I tried not to feel too let down. I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up too high. Heero sometimes still had trouble with basic human interaction, so why should I think he would participate in a "religious ritual" that he didn't even understand? Nevertheless, I still wanted to cry. I guess he really hadn't come as far as I thought if he couldn't even realize he was supposed to get his boyfriend a Christmas present.

Sadly, I stepped into the shower and began the process of washing my hair. I was halfway through rinsing out the conditioner, still lost in thought, when I felt my hand catch on something. Figuring it was a tangle, I tugged on it until it gave and I heard a clunk as something hit the bottom of the tub. Looking down, I watched in growing horror as my cross and it's broken cord washed down the drain.

"NOOOOO!"

I lunged down, scrapping my fingers at the drain in a futile attempt to get it back.

"NO! Nononononononono! Come back, damn it! Please come back! I can't lose you! No!" My vision began to blur and I realized I was crying. I didn't care. I kept scrapping hopelessly at the drain, trying to stick my fingers in deeper to see if I could reach it, digging my fingernails into the metal. I hardly notice when the started to bleed.

After what seemed like forever, I felt someone grab my shoulder and try to pull me back.

"NO!" I screamed, fighting like a wild cat to get away and back towards the drain. I felt my food connect with a shin and heard a grunt of pain from behind me as my elbow connected with something soft. "Lemme go, damn it! I need to get it back! I need to!"

"Shhhhhh . . . it's okay," I heard Heero's voice say behind me. "Just let it go, Duo. It's gone. Just let it go."

"Noooooooo!" I wailed, furious, lashing out a Heero again, scratching and kicking and biting at anything I could reach.

He was immobile as his Gundam though, and just as immune to pain. Eventually we ended up kneeling on the bathroom floor, both of us wet, cold and shivering as I cried into Heero's shoulder. His hands rubbed my back soothingly, but I barely felt it. All I could think of was that I had lost the one thing in my life that was more precious to me than anything else. With the possible exception of Heero.

I felt like I wanted to die.