Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Born Again ❯ From dusk to dawn. ( Chapter 9 )

BORN AGAIN

INTERLUDE-

FROM DUSK TO DAWN

* * *

A year. One. Whole. Year.

So much has happened. When he looked back, he couldn't believe that he had made it through that year. Things were so hard... but in the end, it was all worth it, he supposed. There was still a lot of work to be done. A trust, no, a heart was broken and needed to be mended, even after all this time.

One year... How could so much time pass? So much time lost... wasted. Wasted on pain and tears, depression and most of all remorse. He had sunk deep into the dark depths of melancholy, caught and chained by the webs of pain, self-loathing and grief. He had hit rock-bottom and remained trapped within his own darkness for a long time. He had even started drinking regularly, losing himself in the sweet escape the alcohol provided. The smell of cigarettes lingered to his clothes and there were even times that he finished a whole pack in only one day. The depression took a large toll on him. Sometimes he wasn't even able to crawl out of bed in the morning. He missed Heero dearly and the apartment was always quiet and dark.

He had gotten so drunk sometimes, that there were blanks the size of days in his head. Some days were just too fuzzy to remember and the rest just were. A pitiful existence. Drinking, smoking and doing nothing else. Sally and Wufei tried to be there for him, tried to be of any sort of help, but he pushed them away. He hated everything at that time, and the last thing he needed was to see Sally's worried face and the look of disapproval in Wufei's eyes.

The people in the institute were "kind" enough to make his existence even more miserable than it already was. They set a long list of rules and conditions. They wanted him to become a better person, better than the drunken rapist that he was. They demanded that he would follow their rules if he ever wanted them to even consider letting him take Heero back into his care.

Condition number one was: Therapy. Twice a week, Monday and Thursday, he had to go and see a psychotherapist. He hated her, and he hated her hypocritic words. She had no idea what he was feeling. She had no idea how much he was hurting, how much he hated himself for hurting the one he loved most. She only saw him as a rapist. Which he was, of course. He had raped the one he loved. He hated himself so much, and not once did he entertain the thought of suicide. But one thing stopped him for going to the sharp end of his razor blade. He wanted to make things right. He wanted forgiveness. He wanted Heero to be all right. He wanted to be with him again. He wanted a second chance. Without that strong desire, he never would have made it past that hard, seemingly endless, year.

The second condition was: Quit your job. He had to quit his job at the Preventers and get a part-time job that will allow him to be home more. Head Director Une was a big help and pulled a few strings, allowing him to receive a VERY early pension, so he at least had some source of income until he found a proper occupation. His therapist suggested that he'll find an occupation that he'll love doing. Something that will make him feel good about himself. But back then, he hated himself too much to find something that will make him feel good. Nothing made him feel good. Especially not about himself.

After about three months of unemployment, he began searching for a job, if only to please Them. To let them see that he was following Their rules. But no matter what he tried and where he went, he was never hired. Perhaps it was the smell of cigarettes and liquor that lingered to his clothes, or the mention of his former "occupation" as a formerly feared terrorist. Or perhaps it was the look in his eyes, the bitter, dark and angry violet gaze that could burn a person into ashes when he turned to look at him. Whatever it was, he couldn't pass an interview, not to mention hold on a job.

Condition number three was: Move to a better neighborhood. They said that the apartment building he lived in was not to their liking. Not that the neighborhood was really bad, but he suspected that it had to do with the fact that Tataki still lived next door until his trial was over. So they demanded that he'd move into a nice little place in the suburbs, or forget about getting Heero back. But since he had no proper income, and what he did get from his retirement funds he spent of liquor and packs of smokes, he couldn't possibly afford a new place. He asked them for some more time to get his life back together. They gave him two months and then promised to come back and check on him.

Their list went on and on. They said he had to follow each and every one of the demands, until they were satisfied. Otherwise, he would never get Heero back.

Not that the young Japanese man was in any state to come back home. Not at all, actually. For the first three months, Heero didn't speak a word. Not to him and not to anyone. He was allowed to visit the Japanese youth about twice a week, and only for about an hour, sometimes even less. He would sit in the visitor's room with Heero, for he was not allowed to be anywhere else around the institute. Heero would sit in front of him and stare at his shoes, not even looking up at him. He would sit there, watching the boy in silence, and just like that his hour would fly by. At the beginning, he tried to speak to Heero, tried to tell him how sorry he was. But the boy never responded and so he just gave up.

The silence and Heero's behavior towards him, or for that matter the lack of response to him, made Duo sink deeper into his darkness. Sadness ruled his life and once again he considered ending it all with a bottle of pills or a sharp blade. Instead, on one dark and stormy night, lying in bed with a few empty bottles of liquor on the floor, he chopped off his braid. The act was close enough to suicide, and he nearly slit his own throat after he ripped his precious hair apart. But his strength left him at that moment and he just remained lying sprawled on the bed, the knife falling from his limp hand and his glazed violet eyes staring tearfully at the ceiling. When he was sober enough to understand what he had done, he began retching and sobbing at the same time, curling into a fetal position, clutching his chopped off braid and crying hopelessly.

Three days later, Wufei burst into the dark apartment and found Duo lying unconscious on his bed, his braid held limply in his hand, discarded hairs lying everywhere on the damp white sheets. After a two days stay at the hospital, being treated for dehydration, Duo was released form the hospital. Sally and Wufei took him into their house, not trusting him to be on his own. He spent his days lying curled in his bed in the guestroom, brooding over the irony that he was lying in the same bed Heero had lay on when he had left him, an eternity ago. He only ate when Sally or Chang forced him to, and the only time he showed any signs of being alive, was when little three-year-old Meiran came into his room, asking him to play with her. For some reason, he found it comforting and he loved to hear her laugh. He never smiled back at her, but he was somewhat happy to see that he could still make someone smile, and that at least one person in this God damned world didn't mind the company of a rapist.

Duo had often heard the saying that when you hit rock-bottom, the only way left for you to go is up. After a long while of sitting in his dark pit, Duo found out that there was some truth to that saying. He thought that he will be forever trapped in his dark pit, but fate proved him wrong. Things did begin to change after a while of numbing darkness. After not coming to the institute for over a month, Sally finally convinced Duo to go and see Heero. He wanted to laugh when she said that the boy probably missed him, but instead he just nodded and got into the car. They drove to the institute and went to see Heero.

A strange thing happened then. As usual, Heero didn't dare to look at him or respond to anything that was being said. He simply stared at his shoes and waited until the visiting session was over. Duo didn't bother to speak to him and just sat there, looking down at his hands. Sally tried to coax them into conversation, but soon gave up. Sighing, she picked up her bag and prepared to leave. Duo followed her.

Heero actually looked up then, and followed them with his gaze. His cobalt eyes widened in shock and then narrowed in pain as he watched Duo's retreating figure, noting that something was missing on the braided boy's back. But that was just it. He was no longer 'the braided boy'. The braid was gone. Duo's beautiful braid was gone, his hair short and trimmed wildly at the nape of his neck. He gasped quietly, hand over mouth.

Duo stopped in his tracks, the sound not escaping his ears. He reached up a shaking hand to the back of his head, as if searching for his braid. He could feel Heero's gaze on him, following the movement of his hand. He sighed and whispered: "It's gone now."

Silence followed and Heero didn't respond. Duo was sure he could hear him sniffle, but he didn't turn around to look. He walked away, without a glance or another word, but deep inside him, something changed. He knew that Heero cared. He still cared. The darkness that was pushing so hard against his heart suddenly cracked, the sound echoing loudly in his mind. Perhaps a rapist can somehow be forgiven.

That's when things began to change for the better. Duo decided that there was still something waiting for him outside his dark pit. He decided to try and climb up again, even if there was no one to throw him a rope and pull him up. He will do it by himself if he had to, because there was still hope. There was still light shining outside his pit. He wanted to see it shine again.

The heavy silence was still there, at every visiting session, but Duo was determined to change that. He began to change a lot of things. He moved back into his apartment, assuring Sally and Chang that he was all right now. They still checked on him every week, inviting him to dinner or dropping at his place with some takeaway. Duo was grateful for their support, and learned to cherish his friends even more.

He quit smoking, as a part of his effort to dig himself out of the grave he had fallen into. His clothes still reeked of smoke and liquor, but he threw them all away. He had no use for a black wardrobe. The blackness had no more room in his life. He wanted his life to be nothing but bright, and though that seemed nearly impossible, he was determined to achieve it. He threw away the bottles of liquor, cleaned and tidied his place, making sure every room was presentable and pleasant to the eye.

That's when he found him. Yoshi. Heero's little friend. He found him in his own bedroom, under his own bed, where he had left it so long ago. Heero gave it to him so he will have no more nightmares. Tears came to him as he picked up the discarded little toy. He hugged the little furry figure tightly, his tears falling onto the soft fur. He heart ached as if bleeding and the pain was overwhelming. He sobbed brokenly, kneeling in front of his bed and hugging Heero's bear. He was suddenly hit with the gravity of what he had done, and his numb mind finally registering how much wrong he did to the one he loved. The least he could do was give him his bear back.

It was not as easy as it looked. Duo was reluctant of letting go of the bear. It was a small comfort in the darkness and cold of his apartment, the only thing that helped him sleep with relative ease. He tried to bring Heero his bear on numerous occasions, but he could never bring himself to take the toy out of the car. He would sit through the quiet visiting hour, feeling sorry that he didn't bring Yoshi and promising himself that he will do it next time.

If he knew what would happen when he'll bring Heero's his Yoshi back, he would have done so long ago. When he brought Heero his bear back, the boy looked up at him. And not only that, he also touched him! For the first time since the... rape, Heero dared to reach out and touch Duo. It was not intentional, true, but still, when he reached up his hands for the small stuffed toy, his fingers brushing lightly against Duo's hand. The touch was electrifying. Duo felt as if he was struck by lightning. Another loud CRACK! echoed through his mind as the black casing around his heart shattered a little more.

It was the first time in four months that Duo Maxwell allowed himself a small smile. Things were getting much better.

The next time he came, Heero didn't stare at his shoes anymore, but instead he looked up at him. Duo couldn't help but smile again. He had missed the sight of Heero's eyes so much, that he was washed by pure joy at the sight of them, looking straight at him. It was a small progress, but it gave him hope. A ray of light broke into his darkness, filtering through the large cracks that formed on the dark casing. The light sipped into his heart, warm and tingling. It lighted it with a faint sense of hope, and the black casing shattered a little more.

Three weeks later, he had himself a job. He had found it by pure luck, walking down the street on a one not so special day. He stumbled onto a small shop that sold antiques. But not just antiques, but old technological relics, things so long outdated that even he, a person who was quite knowledgeable when it came to mechanics and electronics, was surprised to see a thing or two that even he didn't recognize. He spent about three hours in the store, putting his hands on everything he could find, trying to see what makes it tick. His love for the old "junk" didn't go unnoticed by the shop's owner, and the two were soon sitting in the back room, trying to fix an old television set from years passed. It was a challenge, and even though it was the first time Duo had seen a real Cathode Ray Tube, he managed to make the thing work. The owner of the store was very impressed and offered the young man a job at the store. It was the first time Duo decided to do something his therapist suggested. He got himself a job that he loved doing. He was the official repairman of "Perkins' Old Relics- Cuz they don't make them like they used to!".

That little incident gave Duo a new perspective on his therapy sessions. He came to respect his therapist a little more, and actually listened to what she said. Another little ray of hope shone into his dark pit. Perhaps she could help him. It wouldn't hurt to try. So he continued to come to the sessions, and actually opened up before his therapist, Dr. Osborn. He told her all about his and Heero's past, about his feelings for the boy, about the pain of losing him and then finding him again. He told her about how hard it was to see his love act like a small child, how much he wanted things to be back to the way they were. He told her how he had grown to accept Heero as whom he was now, how he had learned to deal with being nothing more than a father figure to him. He told her about that night, that awful, terrible, night when things had gone terribly wrong. He told her about the dreams, the need to act his age and not like a middle-aged man with three kids and a mortgage.

All through those sessions, Osborn just listened to him. She didn't say anything, didn't judge him and didn't force him to talk more. She didn't poke him and nagged him with questions, she just listened without condemning. That's all he really needed, someone to listen to him. Someone to understand. He wanted people to understand what he went through, what's it like from his side of the story. He needed that desperately. He had been keeping so many things inside, that it was no wonder that he exploded that night. It was wrong of him to do so, and he ended up hurting everyone, including himself, but still, it was understandable.

He couldn't stop the tears from coming as he told her about that night. About how much it hurt to see Heero being used by Tataki. About the rage he felt when he saw what was happening. He told her about the painful stabs of self hatred and agony that took over him when he realized what Heero had been doing all those weeks, trying to please him but yet giving Tataki the chance to exploit him. He told her about his confusion, about the turmoil of emotions that raged inside him after he was left alone in the dark, forced to work things out on his own. But so many things were plaguing him that he simply had to escape. He had gotten drunk, came back home and made the greatest mistake of his life. And he was sorry for it! He was so VERY VERY sorry! The tears he shed in that particular session were more than enough to show his sincere and deep remorse.

Osborn must have told Them something, because after that session, he was called to the institute. They prolonged his visitation rights and even gave him a tour around the place. It was an institute for people with special needs, and usually he related such places to what he'd seen on TV: dark, empty and sterile. White sterile walls, a cold looking nurse and a bunch of drooling retards being wheeled around in a wheelchair. But in fact the institute was very different. It was bright and colorful, pleasant melodies being played in the fully equipped entertainment rooms. A beautiful green garden and small ponds surrounded it. They even had ducks paddling in the water and a small set of swings.

Duo even got to see Heero's room. The boy wasn't there at the time, but still it was nice to see where he lived. He was sharing a room with two other patients, who were lightly retarded, as the doctor accompanying Duo had mentioned. Duo couldn't help but smile when he saw Yoshi sitting on the small table by the bed. He was also very surprised when he saw that Heero had a few books lying on the small table. It was then that the doctor smiled proudly and showed Duo to their next stop- the classrooms.

Duo couldn't believe it when the doctor told him that after merely five months, Heero had completed the entire elementary school program and was currently starting on a higher level of schooling, something parallel to what one learn in junior high. Heero was very bright and learned EXTREMELY fast. At that rate, the doctor said, Heero would probably be able to finish their "high school program" in less than half a year. He then let Duo watch Heero while the boy was in class, viewing him through a small window in the door.

A wide smile spread on his lips when he saw Heero raise his hand and answer one of the teacher's questions. He was speaking again. After five months of silence, Heero was speaking again. Another ray of light broke into his darkness. Maybe, with some time and hard work, he will be able to make Heero speak to him too.

He told Osborn all about it and the doctor was very happy for him. She encouraged him to keep trying to gain Heero's trust again, and even offered a few tips.

He was allowed to see Heero for longer periods of time now, after They checked on his progress in life, seeing that he got himself a job, quit smoking and was in the process of purchasing a new apartment. He would take long walks around the institute's garden, along with Heero of course, and chatted none-stop as they walked. Heero was silent the whole time, but he didn't seem to be uncomfortable with Duo's presence. He didn't let Duo touch him though, and flinched at the one time when Duo tried to take his hand, but other than that he didn't refuse Duo's company. In fact, it seemed like he was actually listening when Duo told him all about his new job, a few friends he had made while paying regular visits to a certain coffee shop, the place he was thinking about buying the in suburbs, etc etc. He even told him a little about his therapy sessions, telling Heero that he was feeling much better now and was beginning to sort things out in his head. He also apologized profusely about the things he did, but when he saw that Heero was beginning to shy away at the mentioning of past events, he dropped the subject and never spoke to it again. Osborn had also suggested that he shouldn't speak of it.

One time he nearly made Heero smile, saying something amusing while commenting about the weather. He could see Heero fighting off a smile, looking away and trying to look indifferent, as he tried to look in all the times Duo came visiting, though that façade was slowly fading. It was then that another ray of hope joined the others already lighting his darkness. Duo decided that he wanted to make Heero smile. It had occurred to him that it's been nearly six months since he had last seen Heero smile, and he missed his smile dearly. Heero had such a beautiful smile.

The opportunity to do so came quite unexpectedly. He was cleaning up the apartment one last time before moving out (to a nice apartment complex in the suburbs), when he suddenly stumbled onto an old cardboard box, stuffed way back in the depths of his closet. It was the box he stored all the things that had to do with his search for Heero, a search that ended more than a year and a half ago. He debated whether or not he should throw the box away, having no real need for it now, when he was suddenly struck by a great sense of nostalgia. He began looking through the box, shuffling between old documents, maps and various reports. That's when he found it. Heero's lease. It was the old rental agreement Heero signed a few months after the war, merely weeks before he vanished.

Allegedly, the old lease was nothing of great importance, but for some reason, Duo's heart leaped to his throat when he laid his eyes on it. A few fat and salty droplets fell onto the old piece of paper, and Duo hurried to wipe his tears away. He was looking down at Heero's signature, the small and pretty letters spelling out his love's name neatly. As if suddenly possessed by the devil, Duo leaped up to his feet and ran to his room, yanking Heero's notebook from the drawer in his nightstand. A wide grin spread on his face as he quickly scanned through the pages.

He found Heero's signature, the one he had practiced after Tataki taught him how to write his name. And it was the same! It was EXCATLY the same!

It was at that moment that Duo knew that his search was finally over. For real this time. After three and a half years, he had FINALLY found Heero. For real. It was weird to explain, but he really felt like his search was finally over. His heart was finally satisfied. After all this time, it was finally content. He knew now, with every fiber of his being, that Heero was still Heero. He was still the person he had fallen in love with years ago. He finally realized that he doesn't have to let go of Heero. That he shouldn't be so bitter and depressed over losing the boy he loved. He was there all along, but he was just too blind to see it. So he couldn't have him as a lover, big deal. He still loved him, more than anything in the whole wide world and the colonies!

He will be damned if he lost him after finally realizing that nothing has changed! He will not lose Heero to Them and their damn institute! He will not lose his love, his soul mate. He knew he had to get Heero back, and he will do everything in his power to do so. But first, he had to let Heero know. He had to let him know how he felt. He had to tell Heero, had to make him see. He had to make him see how much he loved him.

Not taking the time to breathe, he drove to the institute and burst in there with the lease and notebook in his hand. He showed it to Heero, shoving the two items into the boy's hands. Clearly confused, Heero looked down at what he was handed, Duo's eager eyes on him all along. Duo watched as Heero's blue eyes shifted from the signature in the lease, to his notebook and then again. He could see tears beginning to flood Heero's deep blue eyes, and his own eyes began to water as well.

Heero looked up at him then, and smiled. He actually smiled! After six months, Duo could finally see that smile. He was lost in the sight of it. He had nearly forgotten how beautiful the boy looked when he smiled. How his eyes shone with a bright light. He had missed that light so badly! That all consuming brightness that radiated from those bottomless cobalt pools. It shone on him like a second sun, and ray after ray of light drilled its way past his darkness and into his heart. He felt like he was flooded by that light, it filled him and engulfed him all at once. He began crying. There was a smile on his lips but the sobs still insisted on coming.

It was then that a second miracle occurred. Heero took a step closer to him, and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around Duo and embraced him tightly.

The anger... it finally disappeared. The bitterness was gone. The pain and misplaced resentment suddenly vanished. He was free. His heart was dancing and he was overwhelmed with joy. This brought another wave of heart-filled sobs, and Duo sagged against the warm body embracing him. He buried his head in the shorter boy's shoulder, hugging him back. Tightly. His body rocked with silent sobs as he whispered a thousand apologies to the boy, begging for his forgiveness. He told him that now that he found him, he didn't want to let go. Ever. He loved him so much; he always had and always will. He's just asking for a second chance.

Heero didn't answer, but Duo knew in his heart that he was a step closer to Heero's heart. His darkness was fading away, dusk turning to dawn as the universe expanded and planets shifted.

Months passed. He was splitting his time between work, therapy and constant visits to the institute. The therapy sessions were reduced to once every ten days. He was making great progress in both accepting what happened, dealing with his complex feelings and rebuilding his self-esteem.

At work he was also doing very well, discovering that he also had quite a sharp mind for business, and that he could do a great job at bargaining. He helped Old man Perkins, his employer, sign a big fat contract with some large salvaging company that was interested in some very rare parts he possessed. Seeing how well his young employee was handling business, Perkins offered him a partnership in the business, joking that he was too old to manage it on his own and he needed some "new blood" in the force. Duo accepted the job gladly and in a short period of four months he managed to bring great development to the business and expand it from a small shop in the corner of the street, to a well-respected importer of old and rare technological parts. The business was on the verge of moving into a small office building and hiring more employees, all thanks to Duo's sharp business mind and expertise in the field of what Perkins often called "techno relics".

Duo also became a regular visitor in the institute. He spent nearly all of his free time with Heero. The boy didn't mind his company as he did a few months before, and the two enjoyed each other's presence. They wouldn't do anything special. Just take walks around the garden, feed the ducks or sit on the grass with a book, Duo reading out loud and Heero listening. Sometimes they merely sat together and watched TV, played chess or pool, passing the time pleasantly.

At first, Heero still didn't speak to Duo. He would speak to others; maybe grace Duo with one word or two, but nothing more than that. However as time passed, Heero grew accustomed to Duo's company once again, and he began to open up. He would offer a few words here and there, sometimes even asking Duo questions or even answering some of Duo's queries.

Heero had matured greatly over the few months he had spent in the institute. Though he offered little words, Duo could sense the change in him. Heero was not so child-like anymore. The childish innocence and curiosity that once shone in his deep blue eyes was replaced by a more serious and mature expression. He understood things on a more mature level, and even the way he spoke no longer resembled the way a child expressed himself. He even stopped referring to Duo as "Duo-chan". It hurt Duo at first, and he was quite depressed for a while; thinking that Heero didn't like him anymore and that's why he dropped the suffix that he had learned to love so much. But after one evening at Sally and Chang's house, the two managed to make him see that it was simply a sign that Heero was "growing up", so he had learned to deal with it, as he did with many things. It wasn't like he had a say in the matter.

Duo sometimes wondered if it was a good thing that Heero matured so quickly. He guessed that it couldn't be helped. The young man was approaching the age of twenty-one, he couldn't remain a child forever. But still, merely less than two years ago, he was like a helpless infant. Duo couldn't help but feel that the institute was pushing Heero too hard. He was already studying in a level parallel to a student in the second year of high school, and although Heero didn't seem to have any difficulties in learning what he was being taught, it just didn't feel right to Duo when he knew that a little less than a year ago, Heero was just learning the alphabet. The doctors explained that this had to do with the fact that Heero's brain was learning so quickly, absorbing a lot of information in a short period of time, just like babies do in the first three years of their lives.

Then again, on the other hand, Heero being a more mature person did have its advantages. For one thing, Duo could speak about various topics that he couldn't afford to speak of before, or just didn't bother because he knew that Heero would not understand. If nothing else, Duo had a lot more to talk about now, which wasn't a bad thing considering Heero barely spoke and left a lot of room for Duo to fill the silence.

It was only after one sunny Sunday afternoon, that Heero really began speaking freely. No one could point the finger at what actually made him start being comfortable about speaking, and not just offering a few muttered words. To many people the question "why" didn't really matter. What mattered was that Heero was finally speaking fluently.

It was a "family day" at the institute and Duo, Sally, Wufei and their daughter came. The day included a large picnic at a near nature reserve, a few sport events and a short exhibition of the institute's patient's art. That day was one of the happiest days Duo had in a long time, and he didn't hesitate to tell Heero that at the end of the day, when they all had to say goodbye. Heero then smiled at Duo, hugged him goodbye and said that he was happy too.

At that moment the darkness of Duo's world nearly vanished completely. The light was shining brightly through. A few more weeks, and another blessing were bestowed upon him. Heero asked when he could come back home. Duo's darkness faded completely.

But They refused to let Heero leave the institute so easily. Duo fought with Them, arguing that he did everything they asked of him. He got the A-OK from Osborn and the therapist even came personally to the institute to speak on Duo's behalf. Sally and Fei did the same, vouching for the young man who was anxious to get his love back home with him. They were called into to dozens of meetings with various officials. Heero was evaluated and then re-evaluated, as was Duo, before they allowed the two to go home together.

Duo used that time to prep the apartment, wanting it to be perfect for when Heero came back. He worked hard to prepare his new apartment for Heero's return, re-painting the walls, putting some new wallpapers in the bedrooms and preparing Heero a well furnished room with a double bed, a desk, closet and a lush carpet. All the room was now missing was an occupant. And it wasn't long before it got one.

After one year, two months, five days and three hours, Heero was finally coming back home. Back to Duo. It seemed like an eternity had passed since they last walked past the same apartment door.

One year. One. Whole. Year.

So much had happened... so much time wasted. But it was worth it. Duo had no doubt about it. He was going to get Heero home.

Whether or not things will work out perfectly between them, he didn't know. He was sure that it was going to be hard, on both himself and Heero. It will not be easy to pretend that the last year never happened and he didn't even plan on doing so. He was sure that Heero still didn't let go of what happened between them. The trust between them was still raw, threatening to falter and break at any moment. He will have to work hard, there was a long road in front of him, but it will be worth it. This year he had learned a lot, and among those things he had learned to be patient. He will be patient with Heero and he will do his best to make it up to him. To make him feel like he was really coming home, not because that there was no other place to go, but because that it was where he belonged. Where he was loved. He wanted Heero to feel that it was true.

* * *

The day finally came when Duo was able to take Heero home with him. He was first called to the institute's director's office, where the head doctor and the man in charge of taking care of Heero, told him about Heero's current condition. It was only when the man put it into words, that the fact finally dawned on Duo. He hadn't realized it before, he had sensed the changes but he didn't realize what was going on until the doctor finally said it. Smiling proudly, the man announced that they've not only managed to help Heero recover from the trauma, but they also managed to help him develop so he now had the mentality of a fifteen-years-old (or so they estimate) teenage boy.

Fifteen years old. Heero had been fifteen when they first met. But that was... that was six years ago. And now Heero was "fifteen" again?

He was really getting a second chance... Though six years have passed, it was like meeting Heero all over again. How much different was he from the boy he had met six years ago?

Six years... but it's only been a year! The last he had seen Heero for more than a few hours, he was about eight or ten years old... mentally. Now he was... he was... he was fifteen!?

The horror of the situation suddenly struck him. He jumped out of his chair, his violet eyes suddenly burning with anger.

"WHAT?! You're telling me that I just missed FIVE freaking years out of his life?!?!?!?" He glared down at the doctor sitting on a chair across of him, looking a little pale under Shinigami's gaze.

"Well, n-n-not exactly, s-sir." The Dr. stuttered. "Technically, it's only been a year."

"Fuck you doc! The last time I got to spend more than a few hours with him, he was ten-years-old! And now he's fifteen!? Where did his childhood go, huh?! What the fuck did you do to him!?"

"What we were supposed to do- we helped him." The institute's director cut in, looking sharply at the angry young man. "Mr. Maxwell, Heero is nearly twenty-one years old. He cannot act like a child forever."

Duo sighed, feeling the rush of anger melt away and leaving him weak and tired. He slowly sat down, bowing his head and rubbing the bridge of his nose. "He's not an adult either."

"No, but he's getting close." The doctor spoke up again, pride showing clearly in his voice. "An interesting fact is that his brain is working nearly ten times over its capacity. Well, that's not entirely accurate, but I can't find another way to phrase it."

Duo frowned looking up at the doctor. "That's why he's developing so fast?"

The doctor nodded. "It is not surprising. Take babies for example. A one-year-old infant develops more rapidly than he will in the rest of his life. During the early years, the brain develops at an astonishing rate. This of course helps babies to learn the basics of the world and such, but if we take the same learning ability, and apply it on an adult... the potential is great."

"It's also the reason why he was having all those headaches." Duo stated, remembering all the times that he was not allowed seeing Heero because the boy was in too much pain and had to be sedated. "The scars on his head kept bleeding because you pushed him too far, trying to squeeze all this shit into his head." He spoke coldly, his gaze accusing.

The doctor bowed his head shamefully. "Yes, I know that we were at wrong to do that to him."

"But we did find a way to help him." The director cut into the conversation again.

Duo sighed and turned to look at him. "The pills."

The man nodded.

"He still has to take them?" Duo asked, his voice bitter.

"Of course! Otherwise, who knows what might happen to him!" The doctor intervened. "The pills help to, uh, well, slow down the brain's process, in lack of better words."

"So he has to take them every day now? For the rest of his life?" Duo asked quietly, not liking the thought of having Heero on medication for the rest of his life, but he guessed that it couldn't be helped.

The doctor sighed. "We'll have to see about that. We're not sure. See, the older people get, the slower their brain develops and the longer it takes it to absorb information. But in Heero's case, it's different. If he'll continue like this, without the pills, he'll grow well beyond his biological age. Not to mention the headaches would be back."

Duo frowned. "So now what? He has to wait six years before he's his own age again?"

"It's hard to tell." The doctor admitted. "I don't believe so, though. Slowing down doesn't mean to stop completely. But instead of covering a few years in twelve months, he'll cover less. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I understand." Duo sighed, shaking his head in disapproval. "I understand perfectly. You just took away five years out of his life, and I wasn't there by his side. I understand just perfectly."

The director sighed, looking at Duo compassionately. "In a way, I believe that it was for the best."

Duo rolled his eyes. He turned to look at the man sharply. "I want to take him home now."

"Of course. Lets see if he's ready to go." The man answered almost sweetly, making Duo feel like he was being treated like a retard himself. He glared at the doctor one last time before he left the room, his heart racing with each step he took towards Heero's room.

Here goes nothing...

* * *

"Heero? Are you ready?" The director spoke softly as he opened the door to Heero's room. He peeked in, a smile on his face. "Duo is here to take you home."

Duo stood nervously behind the older man, unable to see Heero for the door was mostly closed.

"Heero?" He could hear the man speak again, sounding like he was frowning. He opened the door wider and stepped in. "Is something wrong?"

Duo's heart began to beat faster. Was Heero having second thoughts? He didn't want to come home with him?

He glanced up into the room, not daring to take a step closer. The situation was so delicate as it is, Heero's trust in him still so fragile, that he thought that if he'd take one step on the thin ice he was threading on, everything would tumble and fall into the cold and dark depths.

So he just settled for looking into the room. He spotted the Japanese young man standing by his bed, which was near the window. There was a small travel-bag on the bed, still open so that he could see a few clothes peeking out of the bag. The bed was neatly made, and the whole room was just as tidy. Heero's writing-desk and nightstand were empty, except for one thing. Yoshi was still sitting on the small night table, looking up at Heero as the boy looked down at him. Duo couldn't really see the look in Heero's eyes, but his expression was quite thoughtful.

The director came to stand by Heero and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's time to go, Heero."

The boy didn't reply, his numb blue eyes still gazing down at the bear.

"Do you not wish to go?" the older man asked, tilting his head aside in confusion.

From the doorway, Duo watched, waiting breathlessly for Heero's answer. There were a few long moments of silence, before Duo could see Heero's lips move. However, the boy spoke so quietly, whispering to the man next to him, that Duo couldn't hear his answer. But he could read his lips, and his heartbeat came into a painful stop.

"...I'm scared."

For Duo, it was like the world had just come to an end. Nothing moved, the silence was all around him and all that he could feel was a throbbing tingle of pain where his heart once were.

Heero was still afraid of him.

The director sighed. "Heero, you cannot stay here forever." He spoke softly, patting the boy's shoulder lightly. "We've done our share for you, there's nothing more we can do. It's up to you now. We've spoken about this before, now haven't we? You can't run away from your problems. You have to deal with them."

Heero sighed. "I can't."

"Yes you can. You're a very capable person, Heero. You've made MUCH progress while you were here. There's no reason for you to be afraid of the outside world."

The outside world?!

Duo nearly stopped breathing for he was so shocked. THAT'S what Heero was afraid of?!

He could not begin to explain the relief he felt at that moment. That kind of fear... he could easily handle. He had done so before, after the war. Heero was uncertain about himself when it came to living in a time of peace. He was sure that he would fail anything he would try to do. He was sure that he would not be accepted. In a way, one might say that he was also afraid, as would any human, of not fitting in.

A small smile spread on Duo's face. He had helped Heero with that once, he could do it again. If only he'll let him.

Taking a deep breath, Duo walked into the room, looking up at Heero with shining violet eyes.

"Heero," He said, and slowly, the young man turned to look at him. Their gazes locked and for a long while they merely gazed at each other. Duo smiled softly.

"We'll tackle this together, ne? One step at a time."

Heero looked away, his gaze unsure.

"It will be all right, you'll see." Duo tried again, beginning to lose his resolve about a big motivation speech. So instead, he settled for what he really wanted to say. He took a step closer to Heero, so close that the director had to step aside and make him some room as he came to stand right in front of the boy. He looked into his doubtful cobalt eyes, his own gaze earnest and sincere.

"Heero, please come home with me." He whispered, unable to find a voice to speak any louder.

Heero didn't respond, still staring down at his shoes. Duo sighed and bowed his head. He glanced to his side, at the nightstand, and then reached down to take Yoshi. Holding the bear tightly, he handed it to the boy, his eyes shining with hope.

The Japanese boy looked down at the bear, surprise showing on his handsome face. He looked up at Duo, his eyes puzzled.

Duo smiled kindly, nudging the bear towards him. "We're in this together, ne? It'll be all right, you'll see. Everything's gonna be okay. Kitto."

Heero smiled weakly at that finale word, shifting his gaze down at his bear again. He looked at it for a few long moments, and then reached out a careful hand to touch it. He caressed the top of the furry head, his fingers slightly trembling as tears filled his eyes. He sniffled and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to control the tears.

When the cobalt eyes opened once more, they were clear and bright. The cobalt pools turned to look up at Duo, captivating the other boy with their intensity. And then Heero smiled, just a little smile, but it was enough to lighten the suffocating atmosphere.

"Hai... kitto." He whispered back, his eyes dancing and shining with a new light. "Lets go home."

Duo smiled broadly, nearly grinning, but he was too shaken with the emotional roller coaster he had just ridden, that he couldn't bring himself to grin. Instead he just hugged Heero tightly, letting out a small sob as the boy hugged him back.

After a long embrace, they separated. Heero placed Yoshi carefully in his bag, and then Duo offered to carry it for him. Heero agreed with thankful smile, and then the two finally left the institute.

* * *

Heero was silent during the entire ride home. When they arrived to Duo's new apartment, located in beautiful and green suburb, Heero went straight to his room and closed the door, even before Duo had a chance to speak to him. He ignored Duo's silent question as the boy asked him if something was wrong. After Duo went suddenly silent, he regretted it and said that he was tired from the ride. Duo mumbled that he understood and walked away.

But in truth, Heero wasn't tired at all. He merely stood in the middle of his new room, looking around him for a long time, his cobalt eyes shining with doubt.

So much had changed...

He had a new bed, a bigger one that was enough for two people and not just one. He had a desk, with some papers and pens neatly arranged for him. He even had a few shelves to store all his books. The closet was bigger, and so was the window. The room itself was quite big, not like his old one that was crowded and usually dark. This room was very bright, due to the large window and the bright blue wallpapers.

It really was different. And so neat and tidy... It made him shiver when he thought how sterile it all looked. It didn't feel like his room at all. It felt like it was a... a grown up's room. None of his drawings were there. The funny cartoon posters he once had hanging on the wall were gone. Now there were only a few framed pictures of various sceneries. None of his earlier possessions were here. None of his toys, his Lego® bricks, the puzzles and board games that he liked. They were all gone. He wondered if Duo threw them away. They were his things, he shouldn't have thrown them away.

He felt so detached looking at this room. He felt so... different. So much has happened in this past year... he felt so very very old. Merely twelve months ago he was able to laugh freely and he be content with life. Now he felt... tired. Empty. Like nothing was left inside him. They took it all away... Duo threw it all away...

Was he really a different person, or merely more "grown up"? He couldn't play anymore... Things that he once enjoyed and cherished weren't so interesting anymore. He no longer smiled whenever he saw a pair of butterflies or a small ice-cream stand in the park. It was so much harder to find reasons to smile...

Why did things have to change so much? Things were so much better a year ago. He was much happier. He didn't care for things like money, school. He didn't know about them at all. He didn't know about responsibility, work or even alcohol and... sex. He shivered at the mere thought of it. Now he did think about those things. He was aware of them and their importance. He was aware of so many new things... but he had lived just fine without them! Why must they confuse him with so many ideas, perspectives and information?! He was comfortable with the way things were before!

...or was he really? Did he really want to go back to how he'd been before? Did he really want to come back to the sense of helplessness, incompetence and fear? Did he really want to feel sorry that he was unable to help Duo? To be back to those clueless days he spent being oblivious to other's pain? Duo's pain...

But, on the other hand... was being aware of it all was worth all that he had to go through?

A soft knock came from the door and pulled Heero out of his musings.

Duo's voice was soft and hesitant when he spoke: "Heero... may I come in please?"

The boy sighed and sent the room a finale glance. He took a deep breath and turned to the door, his expression indifferent. "It's your house."

Duo sighed and opened the door. "Don't say that." He walked into the room, looking at Heero seriously in the eye. "It's yours too." He gestured around the room, his eyes hopeful. "If you want it to be."

Heero didn't answer. He merely sighed and turned to sit on his bed. He placed two hands on his knees, looking up at the room thoughtfully.

The silence seemed to stretch on forever. Duo stood there, looking down at Heero as he waited patiently for him to speak.

"Don't you find it odd?" Heero suddenly spoke, not shifting his gaze from a certain spot on the blue wall.

Duo frowned. "Find what odd?"

Heero sighed. "I'm a twenty-one year old man with the mind of a fifteen-year-old boy..." Heero answered, bowing his head. "There's a hole the size of half a decade in my head..."

Duo swallowed, unable to come up with a sufficient answer.

Heero sighed deeply again, and turned to look up at his friend. "And you know what bothers me the most? The fact that I am aware of that hole. I know it is there and that it will always be there." He sighed and looked away. "No matter how many institutes will try to change that..."

Duo's eyes filled with tears, but he didn't move nor did he speak. He stood still and waited for Heero to continue.

"For a whole year they pressured me and taught me and helped me to be come an adult. 'Stop thinking like a child', 'start thinking like an adult', 'act your age'... do this and do that..." He shook his head, thrusting a few bangs out of his eyes. "Sometimes, there was just so much information that I felt like my head is about to explode. It kept bleeding all the time..." He mumbled, closing his eyes sadly. "There's just so much one must know and understand... so many terms... rules... perspectives... things I never thought of... things I never needed before..."

He turned to look up at Duo, his eyes glistering with tears. "One year of that hell and still... still I feel like there's so much that I am missing. It's like I'm always six steps behind everyone... Like I'm missing something very important."

"Heero..." Duo whispered, choked on his own tears. He sniffled and came to sit by the confused boy. He tried to reach for his hand, but Heero pulled away. Duo bowed his head sorrowfully and fought down the urge to whimper.

Heero was now gazing out the window, watching the quiet suburban secrecy.

"They explained to me what happened. They explained to me why you did it. They said... they said that it was the alcohol, they blamed it on months if not years of sexual frustration... they even said that I was too good looking to resist..." He chuckled bitterly, and then sighed, turning to face Duo. "But still I didn't understand. They used so many terms that were alien to me... so many things I did not know at the time... and as the months flew by and I came to understand their meaning, I still didn't manage to understand why. Why did you do it? How can someone hurt someone he loves? Why can't he fight against all the alcohol and frustrations and agony and pain... Why can't love win over that? I didn't understand... and then... and then I suddenly thought that maybe, that person doesn't love that someone at all..."

Duo gasped quietly, tears leaking down his cheeks but he made no effort to stop them. "Heero, I..." He tried to whisper, his voice shaking. "That's not... that's not tr-"

Heero's hand stopped him, as the Japanese boy took his hand and squeezed it tightly. Duo made a small sound then, maybe a whimper, perhaps even a small chuckle, and jerked his head down to look at their hands. A small smile appeared on his lips. He squeezed Heero's hand back and turned to look into the boy's eyes.

Heero smiled faintly at him, his eyes also glistering with tears that shone under the bright light of the room. "But ever since you found me, ever since I can remember being with you, I don't think that there was a single moment when I didn't feel loved."

"Heero..." He was crying now, unable to hold back all the feelings of grief, sorrow, regret and happiness in one.

"...Even when you ran off somewhere... I still had hope... as hard as it was for me to keep that hope alive, I still had hope. I believed in you, Duo. And I still do. I want you to know that I understand now." Heero sniffled, his smile disappearing and his eyes looking honestly at Duo. "But I'm... I'm confused..." He whispered, feeling Duo's hand tense in his hold.

He sighed and looked away again. "There's this part of me that wants so bad to forgive and forget... but then there's this other part, this other part that refuses to listen and is still afraid..." He turned back to Duo, tears sliding down his cheeks. "I... I'm not sure about how I feel right now... but I do know that I want to stay, here. With you."

There was a moment of stunned silence, until Duo finally sniffled and managed a small smile. He nodded and wiped away his tears. "So I guess that we'll just have to live and see how it goes... huh?"

Heero smiled weakly and sniffled as well. "Aa." He whispered, and then paused for a second. He looked down at the other boy, his gaze unsure. "Is that... is that okay with you, Duo?"

Duo... not Duo-chan or Duo-kun or anything else... Just Duo. Christ, even Heero's voice had changed. It was no longer the soft, gentle and nearly child-like tone it used to be. Heero's voice was somewhat... deeper now. More... serious? Mature? He wasn't sure if it was the right way to put it, but... Heero's voice did change. He sounded more like his "old" self again. His voice was quiet, almost shy but far from it, and even somewhat... powerful. Heero had a new sense of strength around him, which reminded Duo a lot of the boy he met six years ago. This year had surely forged Heero into a stronger person, being forced to deal with so many things in such a short period of time.

But still... it hurt so much to hear his name being said like that, after he had gotten used to hear his name being said with love and admiration. There was no more 'Duo-chan...'

He fought down the urge to wince, and instead just nodded. "Yeah. That's just fine by me, Heero."

The Japanese man visibly relaxed, obviously relieved. He turned to hug Duo tightly, burying his face on Duo's chest.

Though his arms were suddenly numb, Duo managed to wrap them around Heero and pulled him into an even tighter embrace. He buried his head in Heero's soft brown hair, closing his eyes sadly. Tears lingered to his eyelashes and slid onto Heero's hair. He sniffled and inhaled the boy's scent, holding tightly onto that single moment for as long as he could.

Hee-chan, I'm gonna make sure that you didn't believe in me for nothing... Our efforts were not in vain. I'm gonna make sure of that. I'll show you, Heero. I swear that I will. Please have faith in me for a little longer, Heero. I'll show you... Things are gonna be much better now, I promise.

* * *

Later that day, when the sun was melting into the horizon, Heero stood quietly in his room, holding Yoshi in his hand. He looked around the alien room, his eyes trailing over the new furniture that lacked any sort of personal belongings. He sighed and turned to look down at his furry friend, smiling kindly at him.

He then placed the little bear on his nightstand, making sure that he will not fall. He petted his head lovingly and then withdrew, eyeing him with shining and warm cobalt eyes.

Maybe not everything had to change. Some things never did change, they didn't have to. And what did change... well, it could only be for the better. He preferred to look at the brighter side of things. The darker side was never to his liking. He was less afraid of it now, but still he preferred to keep away from it.

Heero smiled at Yoshi one last time and walked to the door. He could hear the sound of dishes clattering as Duo was working on making supper. He smiled and shook his head in amusement, opening the door. He sent the new room one last glance before leaving. His new room. It wasn't as bad as it first seemed to be. Things will be all right.

More noises came from the kitchen and Heero could hear something fall, followed by Duo's rant about the inefficiency of none-microwave cooking.

Heero chuckled. Well for one thing, he could finally be of some help to people, and not just be the one who's being taken care of.

Another loud rattling sound came from the kitchen and Heero chuckled as he heard Duo curse. He closed the door to his room and walked towards the kitchen, an amused gleam in his eyes as he tried to hold back a smile.

"Ne, Duo, do you need any help?"

Part 9.

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