Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Designed Memories ❯ Lost all Faith ( Chapter 6 )

CH:6 Lost all Faith

 

“Your friend Young invited me over. Is there a problem with that?” Heero asked monotone.

 

“It's a bar. Do whatever the hell you want.” The rest of the guys looked nervously between Yuy and I. Young flanked him on left as he sat. Young didn't bother getting a chair. I guess he knew the guys weren't going to accommodate him one bit. Everyone at the table had heard the story between the pilots and me. There was no doubt in my mind and I was sure Young knew it too; he had just made seven enemies in this moment and would have two more once Mickey and Charlie found out.

 

“Continue your conversation.” Yuy said crossing his arms over his chest sitting back in the chair.

 

“We were done with it.” Yoshi grunted next to me displeased as ever. The table was eerily quiet as we sullenly drank our beers.

 

“Then I guess I should start a new one.” I could feel Heero's eyes boring into me. I flashed him a glare.

 

“We don't like your brand of conversation.” Maleek shot causing me to look at him. Dude wasn't even playing. My glare was like a gay little unicorn compared to his straight out of the deepest pit of hell, brutal metal glare. Damn I needed to learn that.

 

“Hn, it's a good thing I didn't come to talk with any of you then.”

 

“I already told you I got nothing to say to you Yuy.” I didn't look back at him knowing it wouldn't lead down a good path as I could already feel my blood pressure rising, Pitbull wasn't just a clever name.

 

“You had a lot to say to me a few minutes ago.”

 

“I was fuckin with you, not talking to you.” I grunted back my attention falling on Jaster who'd decided he didn't want anything to do with anything, but his Sunday that was melting.

 

“You never were a good actor. What was it you used to say, `I may run and I may hide, but I'll never tell a lie'?”

 

“Yeah something like that.”

 

“You've changed quite a bit.”

 

“It's been five and half years, what do you expect?”

 

“I expect you to look at me when you talk to me.” Heero's voice fell to a commanding tone.

 

“You expect too much.” My hate faced him.

 

“You made your own choices that day.” Heero went to the source of the tension between us his eyebrows fell as if he too was getting irritated with our conversation. I wasn't sure if the bar was that quiet or if it was just the two of us interacting again after so long that made it feel like we were the only ones there.

 

A part of me knew I should just let it go, but that wasn't my style. “You still can't admit that shit? Play all you want Yuy, but we both know that's exactly how you intended everything to go down. I became your traitor, the least you can do after ruining my name and reputation is man up to it.” I grunted taking hold of my beer and drinking the glass empty.

 

“Keep telling yourself that Duo.” Yuy had a biting kind of anger to his voice. “I'm glad to see you haven't changed at all.”

 

“Oh and you have? You were the perfect soldier back in the day and look at you now. Head of the Preventer's. Yeah that's so fuckin different.” I pursed my lips giving Yuy a rye glare. “You're doing the same fuckin thing you were during the war, fighting and conquering, but now you've slapped a badge on it and spew words of terrorism, war and use fear as an excuse to keep fighting. Well Yuy, everyone is afraid and it's no fuckin excuse. Here's an old saying that you probably never heard as you'd have to read an actual book. Violence only begets more violence and look at that, every time you take down a terrorist faction another more violent one springs up. It's only a matter of time before your precious little Sanq goes up in flames and when it does oh how I'll laugh and laugh.” I eagerly awaited Yuy's reply. There was no way he was going to let that fly.

 

“And ignorance only begets more ignorance. You have no idea what I'm doing just condemn it without understanding it. You always took the easy way out of everything, cutting corners to do the least work possible. It's good to see your still playing the idiot so you don't have to try. Immediately dismissing everyone you don't want to deal with instead of hearing them out. Of course I know I'm just wasting my breath. How can Maxwell's Demon know anything, but hate. Have you rebuilt that church yet?” And there it was. That's what separated Yuy from everyone else. He went right for the kill bringing up the church incident.

 

Growing up wasn't the best time for me. My life seemed to go all wrong right from the beginning. The church was the place that took me in from the streets; they did that with a lot of war orphans. My parents were taken from me when I was five. They joined a rebel group against Oz, which was the Earths warmongering force when the Earth and Colony's were at war. Oz sent in spies, hunted all the rebels on L2 down and killed them on the spot. I had been out getting into trouble that day and came home to find my mother and father on the living room floor, their hands tied behind their backs, gags in their mouths and each with a hole between their vacant eyes, splatters of brain, skull fragments, hair and blood forming an abstract piece on the once white wall. It wasn't a good day for my sanity, but I went on living.

 

After that I survived on my own till I was seven and Father Maxwell approached me talking me into letting the church care for me. It didn't take them long to realize I wasn't going to be adopted, yeah I was heathen back then too, so Father Maxwell and Sister Helen adopted me. I spent about two years there, enough time to form bonds, remember what it was like to be a kid again and have a taste of what paternal love felt like, somehow finding joy in the chaos that surrounded us.

 

Course all good things have to come to an end. Rebels came into the church holding everyone hostage against Oz. They said they wanted a mobile suit so, young and stupid as I was, I stole one for them. The church was nothing but rubble when I got back to it. In the dead that I walked endlessly through I stumbled upon Sister Helen. She wasn't quiet their, but only lasted a moment before dying in my arms. Her hand finding my cheek as she whispered those last words to me. `M-may you have God's blessing my child.'

 

It was an ironic thing to say as only days before I had declared that the only God that existed was the God of Death since I'd never seen any miracles, but a lot of death and this massacre was only support for my claim.

 

Last time Yuy and I met he brought up the Church and I went for him. Not this time, this time I was going to play just as dirty.

 

“Not yet, but don't worry, when we do I'll be sure to add a headstone for the little girl you took out, though I wonder how many more innocents were in that building. Maybe you can bring a flower to put on her grave and say a prayer.” Yuy's face was tight with anger, my harsh tone crashing into him.

 

I knew of his past too. Back before he became a pilot he worked for a rebel faction and was sent to destroy a place he was told was a military base. While he was surveying the place he came across a girl no more then six walking her puppy. She had smiled kindly to him, wishing him peace and gave him a flower of some sort before she ran off into the coming night.

 

During that dark time Yuy set out to take care of his mission. He executed it with perfection befitting his nickname, the perfect solder. He went back to check his work and that's when he stumbled upon an eternal scar that was carved into his soul. The corpse of that puppy and girl he ran into prior in the evening were amongst the rubble. It wasn't a base at all he was sent to destroy, but a place for soldier's families, a place full of innocent people. Needless to say that failure was something that weighed heavily on him as it should. He never made a mistake like that again, but the past is a hard thing to let go, that was something I knew first hand. Surviving isn't at all like living.

 

A palpable silence surrounded us. To Yuy and me only each other remained. We were on a dangerous battle field wrought with regrets, each one prodding at the others open wounds until the inevitable happened; it was just a matter of time.

 

Yuy was the first to break the silence. “Don't forget Solo's headstone.” Yuy hesitated in his words, almost like he didn't want say what came next. “That way you'll never forget what a failure you are.”

 

I felt for the entire world like I'd just had Yuy's fist crash into my gut deep enough to rub my spin. I couldn't speak my throat tight as the memory suffocated my mind. It was rough for a few months after the church crumbled, my picture up all over the colony as police wanted the facts and the press a detailed story from me. I kept on the move unable to relive that moment, so tired of seeing all those dead faces. It didn't take too long for rumors to spread over the poor colony, which gave me the grandiose title of Maxwell's Demon, and for nearly all to regard me as an ill omen. I got rocks thrown at me and a rain of other abuse, causing me to gain an amazing ability to dodge as well as hide myself.

 

In one of those hiding moments a kind hand reached to me and I stupidly took it. He was a few years older than me, but he never looked at me like I was some kind of cursed thing or degraded me through words. His name was Solo and he was an amazing guy. He gave me the most important skills I ever needed in life, how to pickpocket, pick locks, and most important hack. He made me go on living, gave me the strength to go on because I was living for those I lost. We shared so much laughter for the next five years, some tears and lived life to the fullest we could given the circumstances.

 

That looming God that always followed me descended onto L2 in the form of a plague caused by all the piling dead from the war rotting in the streets. One by one it took the kids in our gang. There was a cure, but the Alliance, the colonies war mongering force, was stingy as hell, charging outlandish amounts for it and we were all sick and poor. In a fit of delusion I found the energy to break into their lab. Determination bringing life to my rotting innards, I refused to let everything slip through my worthless hands again. I was successful in stealing a few vials of vaccine for our diminishing band of street kids. I'd given myself a dose and brought enough back for those that could be saved. I hadn't realized how long it had taken me in my diseased state. When I came back there was no one left to save, it didn't stop me from injecting those still breathing with the cure despite the futility.

 

I went to Solo who grabbed my hand, his green eyes dull and unfocused, stopping me from injecting him with the vaccine. He asked me to smile for him and I did as he requested unsure of anything at the time.

 

His pale lips drew into a agonizing sort of smirk. It was hard to hear those words from that once strong voice now weak and breaking, to see him so easily accept his death. I bit back the spite that wanted to leave my lips, the anger that it was him instead of me, that I was going to have to remember this, that I was losing everything.

 

For a third time my hands held tightly to a body void of life, my head buried in a chest that would never draw in air again. It was the end of the man I'd respected more than any other in my life, the one that took me in when all rather despise me, call me demon, and feared me though I was still nothing more than a child. He died in my arms in a back ally, covered in filth his innards rotting away until he succumbed to the disease in all it's agony. I could still remember the horrid smell the streets carried from the piling dead, that pungent odor of death and sorrow. The image still haunted me, would always haunt me.

 

No one knew about Solo, save for the pilots who hacked my life, but even they didn't know all the details. All they knew is that he died because I'd gotten the cure too late. They didn't know that I held him for hours after he passed, staring into the emptiness that surrounded me. Death all around while I prayed to take his place, prayed that I would end in that decay. I stayed through the night watching the sun rise condemning it for being able to continue. I let that artificial light burn into my retina's hoping it would blind me to the insidious contradiction that was my existence. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen had always preached to me not to fight in the war that took my parents from me, then them and here I was with Solo's dead weight crushing my worn arms. They told me not to hate, to keep my faith in God, to never let go of hope.

 

Solo was pulled from my arms by the clean up crew made of newbies in the Alliance. One of the men threw something at me that I caught automatically. I opened my hand seeing the silver cross Solo had always wore around his neck. He too at one point had stayed at the Maxwell Church, but while I turned my back on their God he embarrassed it and faithfully wore the cross.

 

`Metal clogs the ash shoots.' The man said over his shoulder before the truck overflowing with dead pulled away bringing them to the large incinerators. Despair and sorrow weaved into a strangling anguish that crushed my heart as I held onto that cross, my head tilted back, laughter erupting from my lips as the tears flowed from my eyes. The laugh grew louder and louder until it was nothing more than a wordless cry at the unbearable pain and helplessness that was consuming me.

 

In that moment I realized there was no such thing as hope and Father Maxwell's God was dead, only the God of Death existed and I would become that God of malevolence. I let the hate consume me, let myself be ruled by madness and cut down all those that stood in my way and kill I did. I killed and killed and killed, yet nothing soothed the chaos inside me.

 

Solo's smile was so clear in my mind. His ratty black hair blowing in the false wind, his green eyes always alight with mischief. The way he laughed into the night like tomorrow would never come, but tomorrows always become today's and today's turn to yesterdays until decades pass with memories that never fade. The guilt that hung around my neck had never felt so heavy.

 

A tug came on the shirt of my left arm. I glanced over at Jaster. “Uncle Duo, why are you crying?”

 

My hand went to my face. I hadn't even noticed the weakness that escaped me. I wiped my hand down my face ridding it of the tears I hoped no one else saw. The dismal laugh left me, it wasn't at all what I intended to come out, but I didn't have energy to put on a mask. It had been a long time since I thought of Solo outside of the unforgiving nightmares that persude me on nights I strayed from alcohol and another's bed. It was a reminder I would never be able to escape that dejected piece of myself I kept locked so deep inside. That piece I hid from everyone, even those I held most dear.

 

“It's nothing Jast. Nothing at all.” I said meeting eyes with Yuy. He hit me below the belt, I'd taken it and no longer felt like playing in his pissing contest. “The pungent stink of fascism is making me sick.” I said dryly standing up. “Let's get out of here.” I pulled out my wallet laying down a few bills to cover Jaster's feast, while Jaster finished saying bye to the guys for the both us. We went for the door he running ahead of me.

 

Yuy wasn't done with me as his voice carried to me in the nearly silent bar. “Granted it's most likely a godsend that Solo's dead, he would have been a problem in a rebel group. I guess you did do something right for once Maxwell.”

 

“Duo wait!” Jaster yelled, but he wasn't Sandman and I had a feeling even Charlie wouldn't have been able to stop me. I'd always been fast, that was my one up on Yuy and the other pilots. I was built for speed and all the construction work only made me faster.

 

I easily jumped the table coming behind Young, pushing him hard enough his feet no longer held ground causing him to fall through the table behind him. Yuy had gotten to his feet in the short time it took me to clear the distance between us and it took less then a second for him to be on the ground after my fist connected with his cheek..

 

Yuy swept his leg across the ground trying to take mine out from under me. He must have been rusty in dealing with me cause there was no way I was falling for such an amateur move. I easily jumped it. Yuy was crouched ready to attack not that he could do much against me in that position. Satisfaction twisted my lips into a devious grin at the knowledge Yuy was finally going to know what it truly meant to face the God of Death.

 

A yell sounded from my left as Yuy and I were about to attack. I glimpsed the mass charging for me. Rational thought had long abandoned me. In a flash of the eye I intercepted the charging man bringing my elbow to meet the underside of his chin placing my other hand around my left fist giving the elbow even more force, not to mention all that added by his charging body. His movement ceased his eyes losing focus as nothing but white stared out from between the lids and he fell with a resounding thump that echoed in the silence of the bar.

 

Yuy used the time to try and catch me off guard. He seriously underestimated me. I easily dodged his swing leaning back making him catch nothing but air and giving me enough time to sneak my right elbow into his gut. I moved for an uppercut, which he narrowly escaped turning his head and leaning back from me.

 

He knew he needed to distance himself from me, he might be the perfect soldier, but he was never as good at close range combat as I was. Deathsythe and I were made for being up close and personal, being able to look our enemies in the eyes as we were given the satisfaction of watching them suffer and inevitably die. Maybe Deathsythe had made me this twisted thing or maybe it was I that twisted him into the nightmare that scoured the battle field. Either way the first battle I took Deathsythe into we became known and feared as Death itself, even before I announced my name as the God of Death. As the saying goes, it's better to be feared then loved.

 

Yuy brought his leg up to give me a round house, most would have moved back to avoid the hit, I wasn't most people. I took the kick feeling my ribs want to give, but they didn't nor did I. I gripped his leg quickly hooking my other behind the heel of his grounded foot. His eyes momentarily widened when my hand came to his chest. He knew what was coming.

 

I kicked my right foot back, pushing his left from the ground, still holding his right leg against my rib cage pinned by my left arm. He was at my mercy and sadly, as he reminded me, I ran out of mercy nine and a half years ago.

 

The wickedness spread to my lips pulling them into a devilish grin, my eyes narrowed full of ruthless bile, while I put a good portion of my strength into my right arm as I slammed Yuy into the ground. His lips parted all the air in his body spewing out of them. He was struggling on a breath his eyes unable to focus.

 

I leaned down to him, his right leg still in my grasp. “With that move alone I could have killed you Yuy, but that would be too simple of a death for you. You want to reminisce in the past, then I'll take you there. I'll break every bone in your body then you can feel a fraction of the pain I suffer everyday.”

 

Yuy's eyes vaguely focused on me. I didn't have to spell it out, he understood. I was going to kill him.

 

The weight came to my back nearly making me fall on top of Yuy. I managed to stay on my feet hearing the screaming behind me, though I couldn't make out any words too focused on my hate. Letting go of Yuy wasn't an option, not after laying that promise, but I could do nothing with this flailing mass on my back. I had no time for interruptions.

 

I turned from Yuy, forced to release him, grabbed the arm that was around my neck and snapped my torso downward flipping the body from my back. A fraction of a second passed before I brought my fist down with all my power behind it aiming for the neck, ridding myself of the interference.

 

I was frozen. My eyes staring down into the innocent blue that looked upon me in pure terror as if I was the accumulation of all his childhood fears looming down on him, my fist centimeters from crushing his Adam's apple into his throat to choke on. I stumbled back trying to understand what I had done, what I was doing.

 

I reached my hand to him, he instantly recoiled. The weight took me in the side, I felt the ribs want to give taking another, even harder hit in the same spot Yuy's kick had been. I kept my eyes on Jaster; my hand outstretched trying to reach to him, trying to make him understand. My body hit the connection of the two tables causing them to fall to the ground and all that was atop them to spill on my attacker and me. I lost sight of Jaster as my body was rolled so I was face down and that outstretched hand forced behind my back along with my right secured tightly in metal cuffs. The hand came to my head pinning it forcefully to the ground.

 

“Duo Maxwell, you have lost your rights as a citizen of L2 for this aggravated act of violence against a minor, two citizens of the ESUN and a ranking official of the Preventers. Taking into account your previous indiscretions throughout the year you are here by under arrest. Under section 154 of the Preventer's law you will meet the Preventer's top psychologist, after that time your sentence will be determined. In addition you are required to pay for all damages, mentally and physically, incurred by all victims as well as those to repair this establishment. Do you understand this Maxwell? ”

 

“I understand.” I didn't understand at all, I didn't understand how I could lose myself so completely, but there I was with my head on the ground in a puddle of excess beer that was dripping from me. The bar in complete silence as the sound of sirens drew closer in the background. All I could see was Yoshi's boots a distance from me, but I didn't have to see to know what I had done.

 

“Move out of the way.” The urgent sound came from in front of me, but as my head was pinned I couldn't see anything, only hear the sounds of rushing foot steps and hushed gasps.

 

“Check over the boy and Young as well then bring them to the Preventer's base.” Yuy commanded.

 

I was hoisted to my feet and turned to all that I couldn't see. I didn't want to face it, I didn't want to see what I'd done, didn't want to admit I could do it. Yuy grabbed hold of my hair using it as a handle.

 

“You did this. Take responsibility for your actions and see what you are capable of.” He growled in my ear, forcing me to see Adam being put on a stretcher, a brace on his neck, as they checked over his vitals, he still out cold. Young seeming dazed and held his right arm tenderly. Then there was Jaster. Fear, betrayal and confusing running down his face as he begged for his fathers. He didn't look at me once. The medical personal treating him holding a thick pad of gauze to his head. They briefly pulled it away exposing a splotch of blood on that pristine white.

 

“Jaster.” I barely breathed his name feeling the guilt tighten around my throat. I couldn't think of anything else to say knowing nothing would ease his pain. I couldn't take back what I had done no matter how hard I tried.

 

Yuy dragged me from the disaster my hands caused. I had to say something.

 

“Jaster! I'm sorry!” I yelled pulling against Yuy. He still had hold of my hair and violently yanked me away forcing my head down and forward so I couldn't tell if Jaster looked at me or not.

 

“Please believe me.” I pleaded as Yuy dragged me from the bar.

 

The camera crews surrounded the bar. Someone had to have called them because there were too many for it to be just a coincidence. It was over kill, but Yuy was on L2, everything is overly killed when he's involved. The red and blue of the cop cars was gone in the mass of flashes that surrounded us. Video cameras were on us from all angles. Reporters ganged up on Yuy trying to get a quote, barraging him with questions.

 

Yuy pushed them easily aside leading me to the unmarked car and pushing me into the back seat slamming the door. I leaned my head on the lexon that separated me from Yuy who was in the driver seat. Regret, self-loathing, guilt all the friends I had abandoned so long ago were back to make up for lost time. Worst of all, I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. All the guys had seen me in that state, seen me easily take Adam down, seen me roughly handle Jaster. How could I expect any of them to forgive me? How could I forgive myself?

 

I sat silently in the back of that car trying to convince myself it was all for the best. I was better off alone. It seemed so sturdy the bond between me and all the steel dogs, but all it took was a memory I couldn't escape for it to crumble in my useless hands.

 

I smiled woefully leaning my head back against the seat. I had always been good at destroying everything around me. It had been fun to try to live like a normal person, but it was something I could never be. I'd seen too much, I'd lived too much, I'd killed too much to have the right anymore.

 

I let my eyes close. That image of Jaster burned into my memory and I knew the image of me attacking him would always be in his. There was no way for me to take it back, no way for me to make it right. The sigh left me as my thoughts went to Cliff and Charlie. Jaster was their life and I nearly took him out of the equation so lost in my hatred.

 

I knew that hatred would come back to me, be turned on me and he had all the right in the world. Even if I explained everything to Charlie I couldn't see things going back to how they were. Sandman was the first friend I made after the war. He knew the most about me, could read me like an over used book, and trusted me with everything he held dear.

 

The car came to a stop. I glanced over at the Preventer's base; it looked like all those cop shops from the classic movies. One story, the building brick and stable, but not much to look at, a sign outside black with white lettering announcing its presence to all those passing by.

 

Yuy opened my door. I turned from the building sliding out of the seat noting the bruise forming around the left side of his mouth. Any other day I might have enjoyed such a sight, but I was being drained dry by all the self inflicted wounds, by my constant failure at life.

 

Yuy led me around the car and to the building. As we entered the two sets of glass doors that separated Yuy's world from mine I saw two familiar faces. I let out the sigh my head falling to the side, my eyes finding anything else to focus on, but them. The Preventer's must have contacted them immediately. They were always good about that. This was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

 

“Where's Jaster?” Cliff growled the words like a vicious animal. I glanced at his looming form approaching me. I almost wanted him to hit me, to beat me, anything to make him feel better. Charlie grabbed him.

 

“Sit the fuck down Cliff. You're not helping.” He snapped forcing the larger man to give to his will. My misery grew as Charlie closed in on me. Yuy had stopped apparently allowing me this humiliation.

 

“Duo, what the hell is going on?” He was aggravated and he had every right to be.

 

My eyes were downcast, anguish and guilt crushing my will to speak.

 

“Say something to me god dammit!” Charlie said more than displeased with my silence, but I knew far too well the futility of words. I stayed silent, focusing my attention to the grey tile that coated the floor.

 

“Duo!” Charlie reached for me. Yuy's hand intercepted Charlie's.

 

“Take into account where you stand Mr. Fitter and return to your seat.” Yuy's voice was commanding as ever. Charlie was taken aback by the unsaid threat in Yuy's words, which was basically do as your told or you're going to end up in a cell for the night.

 

“Your son will be returned to you shortly. At that time you will be given what details you need.” Yuy stated with no room for argument before yanking me by my left arm in said direction. I willingly caved to his desire. We cleared the metal doors, I never looking back.

 

Yuy led me down the walkway between rows and endless rows of cubicles, heads popping up all over the place. People prairie dogging to see what Yuy had caught. Hushed murmurs flew around the huge room, everyone easily recognizing me. Blind praise for Yuy spouted at every pass. Not that I expected one of them to be on my side. Some of them might have been L2 natives, but all were Preventer's and I was the anti-Christ to all Preventer's.

 

He led me down a flight of stairs, into the basement and to another hall. We took the first door that sat on the right and were welcomed into another hall, but on the left side of this hall were holding cells just as primitive as the entire place.

 

Yuy open the screeching metal door that obviously hadn't been used in decades, pushing me in. A worn cot sat to my right, a toilet on my left with a small sink and mirror to match. Sadly it kind of reminded me of my apartment in size at least.

 

“So are you going to take off the cuffs?” I asked turning back to the cell door that was recently closed behind me. No one was there to answer, apparently Yuy was done with me for the time being.