Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Designed Memories ❯ Falling ( Chapter 7 )

Ch. 7 Falling

 

I sighed sitting on the cot now having to deal with the pressing problem of having to piss. The item needed to get out of the cuffs I did have, but it was a matter of getting it to my hands that were trapped behind me. My bladder wasn't going to be put off.

 

“Fine.” I grunted to myself standing up and bending forward shaking around like a retarded crack head. So it wasn't a visually pleasing move, made even worse by the fact I had to urinate so badly, but necessity called. After about a good ten minutes and nearly wetting my pants about five times I finally got the result I wanted as the cross fell to the floor at my feet.

 

I took a seat just in front of it getting it to my right hand using the slim silver end of the cross to free my left wrist. I didn't bother with the second rushing to the toilet quickly releasing my hose from it's restraints.

 

“Oh yeah, so worth it.” I'm sure I could have found an easier way to take care of the problem, but I was under pressure so I went with the first idea I had.

 

I resealed my better half rinsing my hands off in the miniscule sink, taking a quick drink of the rust tasting water thinking I might have been better going thirsty. I grabbed the cross from the floor undoing the other cuff, hooking them on the door out an assholeic tendency. I replaced the cross around my neck returning to the cot crossing my legs at the ankles as I laid down entwining my hands behind my head.

 

Man what I wouldn't give for a drink, course that wasn't going to happen. I rolled to my side. I dreaded the idea of going to sleep, knowing only nightmares awaited, not that I had any other choice. There was nothing to do in the tiny cell and the adrenaline and booze were wearing off leaving me depleted. So sleep I tried.

 

It went as I thought, me tossing and turning haunted by images of Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, all the people I couldn't save, all the lives I ended during the war. All of them screaming for vengeance, tearing at me with their decomposing limbs. Telling me I should be the one dead, trying to pull me into that hell.

 

My eyes snapped open, sweat coating every part of me, my breath coming in pants as I laid there unmoving waiting for my mind to understand what was actually real. I sat up becoming adjusted with reality letting out a heavy sigh hunching forward, my elbows resting on my knees. The liquid dripped from my downturned face to the floor between my feet. I gave a laugh at how pathetic the whole thing was before getting up and rinsing my face off in the sink.

 

I wiped the excess water away with a hand and turned catching a wafting smell. My eyes found the source of the exquisite smell that made my stomach growl. The dream was horrible, but nothing could keep me from eating. I noted the cuffs were gone and was kind of surprised I didn't wake up. Of course a screeching alarm couldn't even get my ass up like a door opening would.

 

The Preventer's were pretty good to their criminals. The tray was piled high with bacon, eggs, has browns, toast, even a large glass of orange juice was provided for me. It suddenly made sense why the fines were so high. Least I was getting something for all my money I snorted taking a seat in front of the tray, not minding in the least eating on the floor.

 

I devoured the tray, I had a busy night and I was going to be paying for it anyway if I hadn't already. As I said I'd been picking up four fines a year since they started the stupid law and as fines went; the first offence was $2,000 and ever subsequent one went up by $2,000. Meaning that every year I was paying the Preventer's up to $20,000. This year the bastards got lucky and I would be catching the fifth fine, which spiked above the rest at $20,000, not to mention everything else they would more than likely tack onto it. I was sure my entire earnings for the year and next probably wouldn't cover it all.

 

The boots came into my vision. I leaned my head back to see who came to visit me today. The scowl took my face. “The hell do you want Chang?”

 

“Good morning to you too Maxwell.” He seemed about as pleased to see me as I did him. He pulled a set of cuffs from a side pouch that was attached to his belt; part of the noble Preventer's uniform, tossing them to me. “Put them on.”

 

“You're kidding me right?” Chang flashed me glare. Of course Chang wasn't kidding, he didn't know how. “Like I'm gonna fuckin run anyway. The hell would I go? Fuckin stupid.” I grumbled to myself putting the cuffs on loosely in front of me. “Happy?” I smiled up to Chang.

 

Chang snorted in reply pulling open the door tightening the cuffs on my wrists as he helped me to my feet. He held tight to my left arm leading me back upstairs and into the room full of eager beaver Preventer's saving the world from the horrors of freedom.

 

We stopped in front of a door. Chang unlocked it and led me into the windowless room. Two chairs sat on one side of the metal table and one on the opposite side. Chang led me to that single chair as he moved taking an opposite one.

 

My eyebrows furrowed as I noticed the manila file, which I assumed was mine, but that wasn't what was irking me. It was the two huge red files that sat to the right of it I wasn't so thrilled about. Something more was going on here.

 

“Is there anything you want to say off the record before we begin?” Chang's intelligent eyes flashing up at me.

 

“Begin what?” I was guarded.

 

“Begin your evaluation.” Chang said evenly.

 

“Evaluation?” For some reason this concept was hard for me to grasp.

 

“You're psychological evaluation.” Chang clarified.

 

“You're the head psychiatrist?” Why this shocked me so much, I don't know. Chang had always been a smart guy. Before he was as Gundam pilot he'd been an academic kinda guy. His head always buried in some book or other, thirsting for knowledge and understanding of the world around us. Even during the war he'd always been pretty psychoanalytical. Really shouldn't be a surprise that he continued his academics once the war ended.

 

“Finally catching up I see.”

 

Whatever I was going to say was lost to me at Chang's biting sarcasm. That was a new trait, wasn't so sure I liked it on him.

 

“I'm assuming there's nothing you want to say then.”

 

“I got nothing to say to you on or off the record”

 

“If you refuse your analysis you will be sent back to your cell.”

 

“Oh big threat there, like it matters anyway. Go head, it's not like I got anything to go back to.”

 

“What makes you assume you have nothing to go back to?” Chang leaned back in his chair resting his right elbow on the armrest. Placing the index finger of said hand on his temple and his thumb resting against his cheek as if he were only mildly interested in anything I had to say.

 

“I'm not playing this game with you.”

 

“What makes you think we are playing a game?”

 

I shook my head going quiet. I wasn't about to get psychoanalyzed by Captain Justice. Hell that dude had some fuckin head issues too. During the war he called his Gundam, which was named Shenlong, Nataku after the girl he was suppose to be married off to. She wanted to pilot the Gundam instead of Wufei, but his colony, which made the Gundam, wouldn't let her since she was a woman. The temple where Nataku, he and their families lived was bombed. He got out with Shenlong forced to by one of the elders, no one else did. In an instant he lost everything he knew and loved. Believe me I sympathized, in fact I envied him. He only lost everything once, I consistently did. It made it hard to find a reason to care anymore, but I was too much a coward to close myself completely off from human contact.

 

“You look like you're suffering Duo.” Chang sat forward in his chair and actually looked concerned.

 

I forced a smile. “Not at all.” A blatant lie.

 

“I see.” Chang trailed off. He grabbed the manila file opening it. “We will begin your analysis now.” Chang looked up at me. “Why don't we start with the cause of this latest outburst. Yuy noted it was his mentioning of Solo.”

 

My eyes narrowed on Chang warning him to back off.

 

“It says in your file that he died from the plague that ran through here nearly ten years ago. You were unable to get the vaccine in time to save him. Did you feel it was your fault he died?”

 

I knew he was going to start messing with my head, but I didn't think he'd go right for the kill zone. It was Chang though, he never wasted time. “Drop it Chang.”

 

“I see.” Chang smiled condescendingly like he suddenly figured out exactly how to work me. “Lets move on. How did you feel when you attacked Jaster Fitter?”

 

My entire being faltered as the image of Jaster at my mercy struck me.

 

“You don't have to answer me Duo, the remorse on your face is telling enough. Is that guilt caused by the fact you could so easily lose control or the fact that someone saw a side you didn't want to show?”

 

“Shut up Chang.” My voice was weak.

 

“When you faced Mr. Charlie Fitter did you tell him what you had done or did you fear the way he would look at you and hide the truth of your actions?”

 

“Shut the fuck up Chang!” I lost.

 

“You seem frustrated Duo.” Chang was in his previous position in the chair, leaned back index finger against his temple.

 

“Stop asking me these stupid fuckin questions when you already know the answers.” I thought I was doing pretty good at staying in my seat, I just hoped I could keep it up.

 

“What makes you assume I know the answers? I wasn't there. I haven't spoke to you over five years Duo.”

 

“I'm not fuckin stupid Chang.” I snapped.

 

“I never implied you were. In fact I know you are a great deal more intelligent than you lead on.” A smile drew on Chang's face.

 

“Then why are we even wasting our time with this analysis bullshit? You already got me pegged. So let's skip ahead.” My aggression had depleted. Chang recognized that I knew more than I played. There was a little more to the reason I hired on with a construction crew, when buildings were being erected there were no cameras. Everywhere else I went where Preventer cameras were located they followed me. I didn't say seemed like they were following me cause there was no paranoia on that front. They always watched my every move. Of course I hated it, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was just how things were. Everything that happened in that bar was on video, everyday I had been in there. Chang and I didn't have to talk for him to know me well after so many years.

 

“There you are wrong Duo. I only have part of you pegged, you past is as elusive as your true personality and there is no one left alive to give information on either. I can speculate, but have no idea what led you to become this person that sits in front of me. I can't figure out what you're living for.”

 

He was telling the truth. People were always easy for me to read, maybe it was because I came in contact with so many of them. Not that it was especially hard with Chang anyway. He wasn't one to lie out of convenience.

 

“Is that all you want Chang? Just want to know what I'm living for huh?” I gave an unpleasant snicker. “Cause I still haven't tapped that ass.” I gave him a suggestive nod.

 

The corners of Chang's lips dropped. I guess that's not what he wanted to hear. He stood from his chair glaring at me.

 

“Get up.” He said with a hint of agitation to his voice. I stood and he led me from the room and back to my cell. He was nice enough to take the cuffs off me unlike Yuy, but not nice enough to say anything before he left. Guess he realized what a waste of time trying to talk to me was going to me.

 

I passed the rest of the day in the cell, ate what they gave me and paced around the small room trying to find anything to fill my boredom. I ended up picking the lock to the cell to see if I could do it, and then just kept doing it over and over until it took me less then ten seconds. I lost interest in it shortly after the lights went dim signifying night. I leaned my back against the uncomfortable bars not caring. It wasn't like I would sleep well no matter where I was; last night was proof of that.

 

My head fell back against the bars. I was up and down again, restless, missing my normal, missing the alcohol. I picked at the breakfast they gave, losing my apatite to fatigue. I guess my age was catching up to me. Back during the war I could go days even weeks on minimal sleep and be fine. Granted now I didn't sleep that much either, but it was drunk sleep so it was more of a complete and total shut down of body and mind. Plus I had coffee to help me out. Here I didn't get either of my vices, which left me apathetic to the world around me.

 

“You look tired Duo.”

 

“I am.” My voice depleted as I still prodded at the eggs uninterestedly.

 

“Are you willing to finish you analysis today?” I heard Chang's knees pop as he crouched down to my level.

 

“Yeah, sure.” I said dropping the fork.

 

“Good. Stand up and put these on.” Chang tossed the cuffs in my cell.

 

I somehow found the energy to put on the cuffs and get to my feet. Chang led me again to the room where had been in the previous day. My attention was caught by a loud exchange I briefly heard as the metal doors I had passed through two days prior were opened and a couple of Preventer's hurriedly entered to our side of the door. My tired eyes couldn't focus on what was happening, but it sounded like a rather large group of highly agitated people.

 

The doors closed and my interest in the topic fled. Chang and I entered the room, everything was exactly the same. The three files looming on the table. My mind chased at some important realization I had in-between stints of sleep the previous night, but it was buried under too much history for me to locate.

 

“We'll start now Duo.” Chang didn't even bother to open the file. “Tell me what it was that made you lose control so quickly?”

 

“You know that.” I said letting my head fall to the back of the chair. My eyes staring at that grey empty ceiling.

 

“I know it was the mention of Solo, but I want to know your motivation.”

 

“You can assume that.” I closed the left eye, then opened it closing the right eye, switching between the two.

 

“Was Solo that important to you? Even more important to those at the church you take your name from? What exactly happened between the two of you?”

 

“Why are you so interested in Solo?” I righted my head my left eye closed the other focused on Chang.

 

“I'm not. I'm interested in you Duo.”

 

“Are you?” I tilted my head to the side. It was more because I felt something important on the tip of my mind and hoped the move would push it into realization.

 

“Yes I am Duo.”

 

“Why?” I lost whatever it was again and righted my head.

 

“Because this time you really would have killed Yuy.”

 

The cloud of apathy was fading taken over by a conspiratory irritation as both eyes focused on Chang. “What do you mean by `this time'?”

 

Chang gave me a knowing smile. “Did you think I would never figure it out?”

 

I frowned.

 

“Ah, of course you did, you thought I would just go on fighting. Fortunately I was drawn to psychology and have since formulated an array of different hypotheses from an incident five and a half years ago. I've narrowed it down to two probabilities.”

 

Chang paused goading me into the inevitable. “And what are those?” Suspicion high in my voice.

 

“The first, you didn't know the gun was loaded and meant to kill Yuy.” Chang's eyes focused on me. “And the second, you knew the gun was empty.”

 

The room was silent as I nodded my head thinking over Chang's insinuation. It was obvious he believed the latter rather than the former. “What makes you think I knew it wasn't loaded?”

 

The smile crept across his lips. It seemed that was the question he wanted. “There are many things that led me to that conclusion. Your stance when you discharged the weapon. There was no fear or hesitation there as if you knew the outcome already. It wasn't relief derived from death, but that of separation. You never once defended your actions and you were always one to speak your mind, but you went quietly, never uttering a word in defense to any of our accusations. You left quickly and quietly like you were escaping.” Chang and I stared at each other over that expanse of table.

 

Chang broke it looking down at the file. “I've studied your file a thousand times.” His eyes returned to my blank face. “You're parents orphaned you when you were just a child.”

 

I nodded my head. I didn't have to lie about that, the Alliance did it for me. No one alive anymore knew that I untied them and ungagged them. That I laid the two side by side on the living room floor, propping their heavy heads on pillows and covered them with a blanket, placing their hands over their chest before I left that house never to return.

 

“When you were nine the Maxwell Church was destroyed shortly after you stole a mobile suit.”

 

I nodded again. It was sad the amount of information they had on me. It was only a general outline, all the detrimental pieces missing. There was no description of the death I came upon, of the mangled bodies of the children I stumbled over in all that rubble, of Sister Helen and my last encounter.

 

“At 13 you lost Solo to the plague.”

 

I nodded one more time. It was always just Solo, they was never any mention of all the other kids I had to hear screaming for their mother and fathers as their innards rotted away. Hear them cry out in agony throughout the night. Of course they also left out the bonds that grew in all those missing years. All those meaningless bonds that ended with me above the ground, still breathing, endlessly surviving.

 

“Did you think you were going to lose us if you stayed?”

 

I would be lying if I said I expected the question. I should have, but didn't and it caught me off guard.

 

“That's why your still here isn't it? These people don't know as much. Even the vague facts we have scared you enough to run. Did you think we knew too much, that this knowledge would lead us all to an early grave or was it you started caring too much? You've lost a lot of people Duo and I'm sure during the years you spent with them you cared dearly for them all. Losing so many over and over must have taken its toll. Were you scared of being the only one left alive again?”

 

“I don't want to talk about this anymore Wufei.” My eyes fell on the door I wanted to be out of. There were a lot of truths I was avoiding and he was forcing them in my face. It was starting to irritate me.

 

“You planned that fight between Yuy and yourself. You were positioned directly behind him from where you were laying on the couch and you were always good at a slight of hand. You had more than enough time before we got on the topic of the Preventer's to empty his gun and replace it without any of us knowing.”

 

“What are you getting at Chang?” My voice was low, almost threatening.

 

“His clip was never found that day.”

 

“What makes you think the gun was ever loaded? I think you give me too much credit Chang.”

 

Chang smirked shaking his head. “The arrogance on your face belies your modesty Duo.”

 

“It's not arrogance, its irritation.” A snarl taking my lips.

 

“Did something I say irritate you?” Chang wasn't giving up.

 

“Everything you say irritates me.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“I don't know Chang. Why don't you tell me?” My fatigue had turned to frustration.

 

“Easy enough. I'm forcing you to confront the past you are trying to escape. Your irritation is caused by the fact I was able to deduce a truth that you thought none would find and ever more so that I recognize your irrational fear of forming close bonds. That is the reason you had the confrontation with Yuy, you wanted to sever the bonds between us all because you fear growing too close to people, of having to endure the loss of another person. You ran from all of us back then because you are unable to control that fear.”

 

I gave a disheartening smile to Chang. “You're pretty good Chang, I'll give you that, but not good enough.” I leaned forward in my chair fixating him with a glare. “I was never scared of losing you guys, you're all impossible to kill, but I knew you were going to do this Preventer's thing from the get go. Honestly, it was the only way I could see getting out of it and having you all leave me to my life.”

 

“What of Hilde?”

 

“She was a casualty of it all. Don't get me wrong I did care about her, but my heart died here with Solo. It worked out anyway since she always loved Yuy. It wasn't a bad break; I just gave her more than enough reason to leave me like she had always wanted.”

 

“Your cruelty knows know bounds Maxwell.” Chang said looking visibly disturbed.

 

I shrugged my shoulders. “Yeah, you could be right.”

 

“This nonchalant attitude is not becoming of you.” There was bite to Chang's words.

 

“Everyone here seems to like it just fine.”

 

“I thought you had nothing to go back to here?”

 

“Maybe I don't, but I'm not going to leave unless you're sending me to prison on Earth or you going to keep me in that little ass cell here?”

 

“That's not for me to decide.” Chang stood up grabbing my file. “I'm done with your analysis.” He looked up at me. “I want you to know you were wrong about Hilde. She loved you not Yuy. I helped her as much as I could when she came to Earth, but I didn't have the skills, knowledge or experience I do now. I wish I could have done more for her, but she lost to her despair.” Chang went to the door. He stopped not looking back at me as he spoke again. “She was eight months pregnant with your child when she killed herself. They did all they could, but could not save either. I'm truly sorry Duo.”

 

Chang left me in that room reeling form the information. The world felt like it had slowed down, like I would be forced to endure the agonizing pain for eternity. I was struggling with the added burden to my slipping conscience.

 

She had never told me she was pregnant. Did she know? Did she know before she left? Even if she did there was no reason to tell me. So many times she had said she loved me and I could never return that feeling just tell her I knew. I never treated her special, just said the same things I did to all the women I bed, never gave her anything special of me because there was nothing left. I didn't treat her horribly, I never hit her or screamed at her, but nor did I ever go out of my way for her. Most days I spent in the scrap yard having minimal contact with her so busy with other things, trivial things. She started brining up Yuy all the time, I knew she was only trying to make me jealous, to get me to actually see her. I never did pay enough attention to her. I knew that, but I never changed. Worst of all I actually felt relieved when she left, almost happy.

 

I pulled the cross from my shirt gripping tight to that silver metal. My cuffed hands hanging over my heart, my head bowed eyes closed. I couldn't take on anymore, brimming with guilt and regret. It was too much; my hand was no longer able to break the surface of this despair.

 

I curled in on myself in that chair, the tortuous scream leaving my wretched lips. I kept screaming. Screaming for everything I'd lost trying to purge that horrid feeling that was crushing my instincts of survival until the tears choked me silent. My hands released the cross running into my hair my arms laying on my legs and my head resting on my arms as I completely broke down in that empty room.

 

I don't know why this pushed me so far. Maybe it was because I thought I had shut myself off since Solo's death and in fact I hadn't. Hearing she was pregnant, that I could have had the chance to give a child the life I was never able to live, that maybe I could have made up for all my mistakes grinded at that shadow of a heart left in my chest. I wasn't arrogant enough to believe I alone had pushed her to that state, but Chang's words assured me that I was a large part of it. Of course it ended like everything else in my life. Dying before it had a chance to live.