Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Designed Memories ❯ What Used to be ( Chapter 14 )

CH 14: What Used to be

 

The collective attention of the room went to our guests. No one said anything for a minute. They were all pretty drunk and I was catching up fast.

 

“At least you're looking at the file.” Chang was the first to speak, less than pleased, as he stepped into the apartment followed by Yuy. The two closed the door behind them not taking off their shoes. Guess they didn't plan to stay long.

 

“Uh, wanna beer er something?”

 

I grabbed a handful of papers that were next to me and threw them at Yoshi. “The fuck you doin assbag, we ain't got enough for them and this is my damn place. Don't be offerin people my shit!”

 

“Fuck that Pitbull, it's our damn beer, your shit was empty.” Ty said whacking me upside the head with a stack of papers.

 

“I was gonna get some more, lay off me!” I grabbed another pile of papers that Charlie had been looking through and threw them at Ty.

 

“Have you found anything useful?” Chang questioned as Ty again cracked me upside the head with the stack in his hand.

 

“Yeah we-“

 

“No.” I cut Joey off rubbing the back of my head. “Nothing.”

 

“Are you sure about that?” Chang glared at me. Let him figure out his own shit, I was helping him by force already. If he wanted anything else, I guess he'd have to look harder.

 

“What happened to your arms?” Yuy asked realizing I wasn't giving any information up.

 

“I fell.” The guys knew it was best if they just stayed quiet.

 

“Ow! God damn it Pitbull!” Minus one. Everyone looked to the bathroom at the commotion emanating from behind the door. Sounded like Charlie was having some problems. The toilet flushed and the door was flung wide, Charlie glaring hate at me.

 

“The hell did I do now? I wasn't even in there!” I was immediately on the defensive.

 

“Fuckin leaving your shit on the floor.” He threw the item at me I held up my arm in defense feeling it smack on my shoulder. Charlie was rubbing the bottom of his foot. “Stupid ass.”

 

“Yer fuckin stupid.” I muttered grabbing what he threw at me.

 

For once it was good that I was completely confused. Since I couldn't decide on an emotion none of them would register on my face. The silver chain coiled in a pile, the thicker piece of metal lay upon it in the palm of my hand. Tension filled me as I started down at it, my jaw clenching and unclenching. Unconsciously I brought the bottle to my lips drinking slowly not taking my eyes from the metal. My hand closed around it and I went to seriously drinking the vodka trying to stop things from connecting in my head.

 

I had to pull the bottle from my mouth for fear of suffocation. The bottle was yanked from my grasps and Charlie took a drink from it.

 

“I'm the one suffering here cause of your stupid ass. This was in yer pocket too.” He flicked the card at me. I snatched it from the air before it could hit me between the eyes.

 

“What's that Maxwell?” Chang barked the question. Charlie dropped the bottle from his lips finally noticing our company. Least he didn't say it was from the people I literally ran into earlier, things would have gotten complicated.

 

“It's none of your fuckin business.” A few of the guys snickered at my comment. Charlie cracked me upside the head.

 

“Don't be a cocky ass, that's how you get into trouble.”

 

“Yeah and you just like those two words together.” This time I had to laugh at my comeback and a few were brave enough to laugh with me.

 

“Don't fuckin encourage him Jinks.”

 

“Sorry Sandman.” Adam was on the verge of full laughter. “It was a good one though.” He was rolling. I put the card in my pocket taking a drink of my beer, not confident enough to look at it, especially not with all these people around.

 

“So you really got a hard on for Pitbull, Yuy? Shit man I didn't even know you were all queer and shit.” The beer sprayed from my mouth at Yoshi's drunk ass brining up the unexpected topic.

 

“Gross man you got that shit all over me.” Adam said brushing at himself.

 

Charlie was to Yoshi in a second putting a hand over his mouth giving a laugh. “Just ignore him; he's even stupider than Pitbull. Amazing I know.”

 

Yuy was glaring at me and Chang was shaking his head in annoyance. Well this night was ending up amazingly uncomfortable.

 

“So do ya? Ya know, like Pitbull like that? I mean this God of Death dude seems to think ya do. You his rival in love er some shit huh?” Adam wasted no time cracking Joey upside the head.

 

“Maxwell has informed you of the danger you've put yourself in by getting involved in this case I assume.” Chang tried to change the subject.

 

“Judgin by the them files, we was already in some danger. Difference is now we know.” Maleek said, Chang's concept worked.

 

“Woulda been nice if yer group kep' us informed.” Mickey growled.

 

“You'll be told what you need to.” Yuy snapped back still glaring at me. He was full of piss and vinegar.

 

“Ey, don't come into my place and try to start shit Yu. If you got a problem with me you settle that shit with me.”

 

“Your constant insubordination, recklessness, and complete disregard for the position you're in is my problem. You always treat everything like it's some kind of game. This isn't a game Maxwell; this is your life and the life of your friends.” Yuy's voice quaked in withheld anger.

 

“Your right Yuy. And who do I gotta thank for this situation I'm in huh?”

 

“Both of you drop it. This isn't the time or place.” Chang reprimanded the two of us.

 

“Any fuckin time and any fuckin place I'll take yer ass down.” My words directed to Yuy as I stood feeling the alcohol doing its job of clouding my reason and deadening my senses. “Shit, I fucked myself up and I'm kinda drunk. This might be your best chance Yu.”

 

Charlie stepped in front of me pushing me back against the wall his hand resting on my chest. “Sit the fuck down Pitbull.”

 

“Don't get in the way Sandman, we got some shit to work out and the only way 01 and I know how to talk is with our fists.”

 

“You want another black eye that badly Maxwell?” Shit, course fuckin Yuy had to say something like that.

 

“The fuck he just say?” Adam was the first to chime in.

 

“Wait a minute here.” Yoshi was on it.

 

“I thought that…” Joey trailed off.

 

“I should have known.” Charlie being close enough to me got to see the `doh' cross my face.

 

“Eh, thought ya got that shiner from the car ya hit?” The down fall began at Mickey's question to me.

 

“You had contact with someone Maxwell?” Chang was on the second round.

 

“You gave him the black eye Mr. Yuy?” It was Renold's turn.

 

“What did he tell you?” Yuy flashed me a smile, seems he was enjoying my little downfall.

 

“Fine! Yuy gave me the black eye, fuckin nosey motherfuckers.” I snapped pushing Charlie off of me. “Ya happy now?”

 

“Why?” Yoshi wasn't happy. I wasn't answering that and couldn't think of a good lie.

 

“Come on tell us why?” Joey chimed in.

 

“Lovers spat?” Adam laughed.

”It's none of yer fuckin business is why!” I was getting agitated.

 

“Did you have contact with anyone before you made it here?” Chang was relentless.

 

“Fuck! I didn't fuckin come back here to get the third degree.” I was about to get violent. I didn't like being cornered.

 

“Hey, calm down Pitbull.” Charlie reached for me.

 

“Fuck off Sandman! Yer all fuckin pissing me off!” I batted his hand away.

 

“If you told the truth you wouldn't have this problem.” Yuy snidely added.

 

“Fuck this shit.” I growled through gnashing teeth grabbing my beer from the ground and strategically heading outside.

 

“Where are you going?” Yuy grabbed my arm stopping me. It took all of me to reign in my wrath.

 

“If you wanted to piss me off, you succeeded. Now get yer damn hand off me or I'm gonna break it then yer fuckin neck.” I said with a wide teeth clenching grin. Yuy stepped aside. I got outside slamming the door behind me letting out a rage filled cry.

 

I kept my anger fit on the inside so as not to damage myself or anything else and took the rest of my beer down whipping it from the walkway to smash somewhere in the distance. That did make me feel a little better.

 

I took a few deep breaths as I leaned on the railing staring down at the street below. Traffic was scarce, foot traffic nonexistent. The rational types asleep, lost in their subconscious, in a world of dreams. My right hand was extended over the railing; my grip slightly loosened enough to let a portion of the shinning silver slip from my hand. I stared at it, the false wind shifting it to spin on the chain catching brief glints of moonlight. Maybe I was lost in a world of dreams too.

 

The icy cold fell on my left shoulder. I tensed from the unexpected action looking over the affected shoulder. A beer lay there, behind it Charlie's apologetic face.

 

“Don't worry. It's just me. Seems everyone thinks no one, but me can talk to you when yer in a mood.” He said leaning his back against the railing next to me drinking from his own beer. I pulled the cross back into my hand hoping he wasn't feeling particularly detail orientated.

 

“Ah, guys sent you our here then? Man, kinda feel sorry for Yuy and Chang.” I said not really feeling that way at all.

 

“Eh, you reap what you sew. Just be happy your apartment is sound proof cause I'm sure as shit Mickey is going to lay into them.” Even I cringed at Charlie's words. When Mickey was pissed he could go on forever not to mention if he was drunk. That meant you were going to get the same lecture about 16 times with slim to no change and there was no interrupting him as he pointed and reappointed out all your flaws as a human being. Oh he was a joy sometimes.

 

Charlie and I fell silent, both of us drinking our beers. The silence itself wasn't uncomfortable, we were too close for things like that anymore, but I, on the other hand, was.

 

My hand tightened around the cross. So many things I should be saying, so many doubts and questions stirring inside churning up a malformed neurosis that prodded endlessly at my growing madness. I was well aware of my slipping control, the dips into that subconscious self. That dark twisted thing I hid in masks of pleasantries. It was getting harder to suppress, soon all the booze in the world wouldn't be enough.

 

“So Yuy gave you the black eye. I'm almost scared to ask why.” Charlie distracted me from my spiraling thoughts.

 

“Yeah.” I turned my eyes to the sky.

 

“Don't feel like talking about it?”

 

“Naw.” I didn't have enough words to explain where I was. It all stemmed from the metal I held in my hand and the meaning behind it. The constant shift in moods, unable to pick an emotion, too many things congesting my mind.

 

“It's just me here, if you have something to say, just say it. Maybe clichéd as fuck, but I'm sure you'll feel better about it.”

 

The cynical laugh left me as my eyes fell to the street below. That's what I was trying to avoid, feeling. The beating of that dead organ in my chest causing a change in me. The memories of Solo seemed so much clearer then before. The images filling my head. I could picture him so perfectly, hear the exact tone of his voice, and see every detail to the spark of playfulness in those green eyes. My eyes fell closed as I squeezed the cross tighter in my grip succumbing to the memories.

 

The wide grin lay on his face, the even white teeth exposed. He crouched in front of me the onyx of his hair falling into his face forcing odd breaks in those brilliant green eyes. The pale smoothness of his face so close to mine, a perfection none could ever compete with.

 

`Solo will never be alone, not with a face like that,' or so all had said and I had to agree. Not only was he handsome beyond compare, his attitude was flawless; kind, fun, playful. He could be so much more, but chose to stay on the path he was for all those that looked up to him. I was lucky enough to have him lead me as well.

 

“Why is it when I leave for more than a minute, I gotta find you hiding out somewhere alone kid?” His strong hand fell on my shoulder where I sat in the back of the abandoned factory we had decidedly called home for the moment.

 

I didn't talk much back then. I never had a reason too so stayed quiet. The less people I came in contact with the less I would have to remember when they left.

 

“Alone does have its advantages. Ain't gotta care bout no one but yourself. Always lookin out for number one right?” Solo brought a cigarette to his lips lighting it as he waited for my nonresponse.

 

He took a long drag from the cigarette looking off in the distance. “But that defies your name kid.” He smiled at me from the corner of his eye. “It should be me that's all alone right? Solo and all.”

 

There was seriousness in that statement almost like he wished his life was different. It was a side of Solo I was sure none of the others had seen. This side so full of anguish and suffering. I didn't want to see it. I hated those feelings, the same feelings that consumed me too often.

 

“No.” The meek word left me. Solo's smile grew as he faced me.

 

“What was that? Did you say something there Duo? Eh, you got a cute little voice.” He laughed tousling the hair atop my head like an older brother would do to the younger.

 

Months past the bond between us growing. Words left me freely, his warmth spreading to me. The fear, sorrow and hate that I clung to so tightly dissipated as I found knew feelings, stronger feelings; joy, happiness and laughter.

 

“Come on. We'll jump together.” Solo smiled to me as we stood at the edge of the world, or to me that's what it felt like. Heights had never been my thing, but here we were standing on bridge, the distance at least that of a 15 story building to the water below. I gave Solo a terror filled glance.

 

Though Solo and I had become inseparable in the passing time, no one took much notice since Solo was always with people. There were slim to no moments when the two of us were alone and when we were it was for a brief fleeting conversation, until this day. We had been breaking into a house moments ago when the family unexpectedly came home. The five of us had ran Solo had kept me near, almost as if he'd known all along what would happen. We ran until we had nothing left. Solo leading me all the way until we came to this bridge. My mind was still a mess from almost getting caught, worrying about the others, and exhausted from all the running. By the time I took notice I had already climbed over the railing and was standing on this four foot ledge facing the one I idolized more than any other. Sure, despite all my inhibitions, he was going to take me over the edge.

 

“Hey.” Solo's face came in front of mine stopping me from staring down into that spinning void. “Don't be scared kid.”

 

“Y-yeah sure.” I wasn't really listening as I leaned around him my eyes pulled to the frightening distance, and being horrified of heights made it that much worse.

 

“You can't live in fear.” Solo's hand gripped my chin forcing me to face his stern features. It was another side of him I had never seen him show. “It ain't just your life yer livin anymore. You're the only survivor from that church. Yer the only one that remembers them kids remembers their hopes and dreams. You took on the name Maxwell now you gotta stand guard against it no matter what. You don't have the luxury of fear anymore. Those burdens are yours to carry.”

 

My teeth grit my eyes falling closed, the wound was still too fresh to be handled so viciously. The setting was completely lost to me Solo's words drudging up the cold and warm memories from that church. When it was in its shining glory full of life to that of destruction choking me with the stench of death so palpable the taste still clung to the roof of my mouth.

 

“That's how life is, so cruel to the young huh?” Growing up on L2 was like that. Childhood never lasted long. Reality was harsh and cruel, the burdens piled up and all those whimsical fantasies froze in that unforgiving cold shattering into nothing under the weight of living.

 

“But I got a soft spot for ya kid, so how bout this. I'll share your pain and sorrow. I'll be the other half to your name, Duo. Me and you, we'll go on together forever.” Solo extended his hand to me his back turned to the unknown below. “Let's go.”

 

I didn't want to go on alone anymore. He knew everything and still accepted me, reviving feelings I thought I lost in the rubble of the church. Despite all that pain I could still smile, he could bring out those emotions in me. No fear could keep me from him. I didn't hesitate in the least as I took his hand, the smile taking his lips. He pulled me into his embrace and the two of us fell into uncertainty.

 

I heard his words so clearly over the air rushing by us in our perilous decent. My head pressed tightly against his chest. “This pain, this suffering, all these burdens tie us together, they belong only to us. We'll never escape this agony. That's what forever means.”

 

The crashing of the bottle that slipped from my hand tore at my reminiscing mind. I didn't react to it my thoughts still feeling the freezing rush of water that swallowed Solo and I so long ago. The bridge long destroyed, that memory the only proof it was ever there at all. A memory I hadn't thought of since Solo was alive.

 

My head hurt, but was nothing compared to the anguish crushing that newly awakened organ beneath my rib cage. Why did I remember it now of all times? It sent my mind spinning. So many I killed in the name of revenge, the stench of blood something that would always taint my soul, was it enough? Would it ever be enough? What had I become?

 

I never understood his words that day as we fell, but now I did. This was what it meant to hold onto those lost. It was inescapable for people like us. I hid in all that rage and hate, in fake smiles and laughs, yet all this time I suffered in silence, stuck with this unbearable pain taking all the blame on my shoulders. It was my fault they died. It was my hands that lost them. Never fast enough, strong enough, smart enough. I was never good enough.

 

“Duo your hand…” Charlie trailed off his voice jarring my attention back to the world that was still moving around me. I glanced to him then to my hand where blood was dripping from my clenched fist. The fingers spread back, silver mixed in that dazzling red hue leaking from gouges where the cross had split the skin.

 

“Isn't that…”

 

“It's nothing.” I cut Charlie's words off with mine and his fingers that were reaching for that blood covered cross by snapping my fist closed. I stuffed the cross into my pocket throwing a smile on my face as I turned to Charlie forcing a laugh. “Think I've gone to long without somethin ta drink man. Let's go back in then I can rinse this shit off.”

 

“Yeah, okay.” Charlie's words were soft as he gave me a pained smile. There was no question he could see through the act and that it hurt him. He wanted to ask, but knew from past experience I wouldn't give him anything. He once said out of everything I did it hurt him most when I hid behind a smile. I could say I didn't want to hurt him, but if I didn't then I would just tell him, yet here I was shoving in his face the distance that would always remain between us. It wasn't his fault, it was mine. I was never good at saving anyone I cared about, something I knew from past experience.

 

Charlie and I went back in the apartment, I before him. Oddly Chang and Yuy were no longer in the doorway. Immediately I spotted Chang. He was sitting just in front of Maleek and Mickey, who had changed spots with Renold. Chang's back to me.

 

“See it now. Shit by accident when ya got `im all typesa pissed.” Maleek said.

 

“Ya needed to mix yerself with some L2 slums folks. We gotta kinda tell tail way we talk, ain't that gooda spellers either. See ya'll musta got `im mad bout somethin. Ya listen for a bit ya start ta get it.” Mickey handed Chang another piece of paper. I was glad the troop didn't tell them everything that they'd figured out on the case, yes that was sarcasm. Damn buncha chatty fuckin Cathy's.

 

“You need a beer?” I questioned over my shoulder to Charlie. It was too late to stop them now.

 

“Yeah.” He said as the two of us split. He didn't move taking down the rest of his beer where he stood, while I went to the kitchen. The guys giving grunts of notice all doing their own thing.

 

Yuy was in the kitchen. He stood up closing the fridge three beers in his hand as we entered, but made no move. His eyes followed my approach before I broke off going to the sink to rinse off my bleeding hand.

 

“What happened?” He asked over my shoulder as I ran water over the hand.

 

“Forgot my own strength.” The harsh laugh attaching to the words.

 

“Hn.” Yuy's only comment before he left me.

 

The cuts were superficial, not deep in the least. I finished rinsing it and dried it off the bleeding already stopped. To the fridge I went grabbing Charlie and I a beer the words behind me catching my ear.

 

“What did you say to him?” Yuy's voice quiet as he spoke to Charlie, I would have missed it if I wasn't able to discriminately focus on sounds, able easily to tone out what I didn't want to hear, which was the other guys' idle conversations.

 

“Nothing.” Charlie wasn't in the greatest mood.

 

“Then what's wrong with him?” Yuy could see through my guise as well. I would say that perhaps my act wasn't good, but that wasn't the case. Yuy was just amazingly perceptive. It was hard to get a lie past him unless you at least partially meant it.

 

“Something he won't even share with me.” A slight ache to his words.

 

I turned from the fridge, Charlie looking past Yuy at me. The disappointment there, disappointment in himself that his trust wasn't reciprocated. It was hard to face that look with a smile. It was good I was used to self mutilating feelings, the grin plastered on my face as I approached.

 

“Did you tell him you read his file?” Yuy asked pausing my approach. Charlie broke eye contact. My grin slightly faltering at the hint of betrayal. It quickly regained its form. The file they had on me didn't matter. He wouldn't get any great knowledge from it. Plus, that knowledge would change nothing. My reactions wouldn't have changed. My past was something I couldn't share. I understood that now. Even though I had forgotten the memory I subconsciously held to that unsaid vow Solo and I made.

 

“That doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. Full of generic facts nothing more.” Charlie glared at Yuy. “You and Chang think you know so much about him, but what do you really know when it comes down to it? Nothing. Only what he tells you. All you can do is make assumptions. Obviously his past has made him close himself off, but why? Do you realize I can find more information on you and your past than his? Hell Barton, Winner and Chang have full biographies on them, but when it comes to him there's barely enough to make a paragraph. So how can you sit there and act like you know so much, when you don't know anything at all!”

 

Charlie had some balls. I was the only one I knew of who got in Yuy's face like that. He was fuckin screaming at him too. Yuy didn't say anything back to him. The room had fallen eerily quiet to Charlie's center stage performance.

 

“Am I the only one that feels like this?” It seemed he was yelling at everyone. His anger and concern turned on me. “It feels like I'm going to wake up and realize you're nothing more than a dream. I'm going to try and remind myself of you over and over as I get up, but you're going to fade into nothing more than this lingering thought of something important I was supposed to remember.”

 

The silence was heavy. We were all so close in the tiny space, yet the distance between myself and the rest never felt so great. It was my turn to break from Charlie's expectant gaze. I had no idea how to address that worry without a lie and lying wasn't something I could do faced with his honesty. He was never one to make bold personal statements in front of such a large group. It said a lot for where he was and how concerned he was. He was scared this God of Death character was going to bury me.

 

“You're not going to say anything.” It was more of a statement. I remained silent. Charlie's emotions got the best of him. He was to me in a second dropping his empty bottle to grab me by the collar with both hands and set in on me.

 

“Why?! Why are you always like this?! Just say something, anything!” His anger quickly faded to something with a bluer color as his grip lightened and his head fell against my chest. “Why couldn't you trust me enough to tell me anything?”

 

The somber smile pulled at my lips as my free hand moved to the back of his head holding it to my chest. I don't know when he saw my file, but it must have been quiet a shock. The way he was he probably wrestled endlessly in how to tell me, but never found the right time. Charlie didn't handle guilt well.

 

“None of it matters, don't you get that Sandman?” Charlie tensed under my hand at the meaning buried in those simple words.

 

“That's rather selfish.” Chang threw out. It was out of character for him to get involved, until I saw the beer go to his mouth. Guess guys got everyone drinking and from what I knew, Chang never really drank much. Seemed his inhibitions were down. “You are the only one who remembers most of those you lost. There will be nothing left of who they were. Only the vague information in your file, city records and a few articles.”

 

“I don't get it.” Charlie murmured into my chest not hearing Chang at all.

 

“We always want what we can't have.”

 

“Meaningless.” Chang snorted before returning to questioning Maleek and Mickey. Apparently he lost interest in the subject rather quickly.

 

Charlie's hands fell from me, the defeat obvious. That was pretty much the queue to everyone it was over, everything remaining the same as it ever was. The guys starting up their regular conversations like it never happened. None of us were really good at dealing with serious situations; we handled it like good adults, ignoring it out of existence.

 

“I'm sorry Charlie.” I whispered to him giving his head a light squeeze. “Everything I love dies, that's why I can't stop running.”

 

“You're scared?”

 

I had to laugh. Solo would have been disappointed with me. “Yeah.”

 

“Thanks.” He muttered taking one of the beers from my hand and walking away from me. He didn't want much, just something. I went for my futon seat.

 

“What did you say to him?”

 

I looked deadly serious at Heero. “That I wanted to put my dick in his ass.”