Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Designed Memories ❯ Introspect ( Chapter 18 )

Ch 18: Introspect

 

A column of fire rose from the construction site; it must have been one of the oil tanks for the tools. My ass hit the ground, the whole colony reverberating from the explosion. The destruction was not why my legs caved; it was the things exacting themselves in my head. I laid half prone on the ground my thoughts racing.

 

My parents may have died, but it was well after they abandoned me. No father, only a mother who brought me to the orphanage when I was three. The things that happened when she cared for me weren't memorable; perhaps because she did the minimal to keep me alive before she gave me up realizing I wasn't enough leverage to bring my father back.

 

She dropped me in the care of the Maxwell church. I wasn't at there for long, a month at most, then adopted by Professor G.

 

I remembered it. I remembered his first words to me after we left the smiling Father and Sister that ran the orphanage and entered the lab in his large house on the out skirts of the colony. He had just stabbed a large needle in the back of my neck and I was learning to breathe again. `You are a solider now. You aren't a child and I won't treat you as one. You make one mistake and you die. Do you understand?'

 

At three I didn't understand, but nodded that I did. He lied though. I made a lot of mistakes, but he didn't kill me, nearly did, sometimes I wanted him to, but he didn't.

 

All I did was train for hours and hours sometimes days, until I would get so tired I'd fall asleep in the midst of it, woken by some unbearable pain at my lack of focus. When I was aloud to sleep I was strapped to the metal table and that large helmet placed over my head. Even when I closed my eyes the violence didn't end. A million ways to kill, a million ways to die, I almost preferred the training to sleep. I never left that lab, no contact with anyone but Professor G as two years passed.

 

Then the routine changed. He took me out of the lab, cleaned me up and we went outside. He was cautious, not letting me stray from his side, but I got to see them, other children. See things I didn't understand. He never told me what the change was for, but kept doing it. Everyday for at least five hours we walked around the colony. He would tell me things, tell me how people wouldn't trust someone who didn't smile and laugh. Explained to me emotions I never experienced, but once we returned to the lab it was back to training back to that violence.

 

Soon he let me interact with other children. I learned quickly acceptable and unacceptable responses in human interactions. Professor G had no mercy for mistakes and his beatings made clear where the line stood. At the time I didn't understand what he was teaching me, so confused by the difference in the days and nights. Looking on it as I was now, I knew. A monster devoid of emotion would never be accepted, but one that faked it could get close to anyone.

 

I was seven. Sitting on that metal table, my feet dangling off the end, irritated that I wasn't outside. Professor G always let me go play at this time; he let me out on my own knowing I wouldn't betray him. Yet today he kept me locked in. I was ready to lay into him when the door opened, but my eyes were pulled to the boy that preempted his entrance. I quickly looked beyond the boy at the stranger behind him standing next to Professor G.

 

`This is Dr. J Duo and this boy is Heero Yuy. He's a soldier.' Professor G never used friendly tones with me nor did he this time.

 

`I wanna go outside.' I growled at Professor G.

 

`Not today Duo.'

 

`I'm gonna kill you.' There was no joking in my tone.

 

`Ever the humanitarian Professor G.' I noted Dr. J's sarcasm. `I see you've let him keep a sense of self.'

 

`Laugh now Dr. J, but I'm more than sure Duo is far superior to Heero.' Professor G boasted.

 

`Only time will tell. I have to commend you on the idea. Molding children into the perfect soldiers was quiet a feet, though I'm sure I would have come to it eventually.' The compliment hidden in an insult.

 

`Well, the process would be extremely difficult if you hadn't come up with the M system. Even when he sleeps I can train him.' Professor G flashed his vile smile at me. `What of the others, have you convinced them of the success of our experiments?'

 

`No, they are firm in their standings. They don't think children should be subjected to such a thing and are trying to find adults for the mission.'

 

`Comical and they call themselves scientists.'

 

`What are you looking at?' I hissed down at the boy before me. I wasn't outside so I didn't have to be nice.

 

`Duo!' Professor G's sharp bark made my whole body jump as I looked up at him with wide eyes. `These are people who don't know what you are.' He said evenly.

 

I nodded to him smiling widely as I jumped down from the table holding out my hand to the boy. `I'm Duo Maxwell.' I was full of cheerful tones. `I may run and hide, but I'll never tell a lie. What's yer name?'

 

`My, my, my, what a clever little monster.' Dr. J muttered.

 

The boy in front of me watched me with empty eyes.

 

`Oh don't like to talk huh? That's cool, I like to talk' I put both my hands behind my head grinning off to nowhere. `Ya know I really wish I was outside now. There's so much to do on L2 ya know. People think there ain't nothin here, but it's awesome. There's places to play all over and ya can play one wicked game of hide and seek. You should come play with me yeah?' I reached my hand to the boy who grabbed my wrist stopping its advance in a vice.

 

`Don't touch me.' He finally spoke hostility taking over that empty stare.

 

My happy disposition was gone as the detached emptiness took me over. `Let go of me.'

 

Neither of us moved sizing each other up, he was only about an inch taller than me, but his grip assured me he would be a difficult one to bring down. I always liked a challenge though and there was no doubt in me I could better him.

 

`Heero let him go. That's an order.' Heero released me at Dr. J's words. Professor G took hold of me pulling me away from Heero.

 

`I don't think we should meet like this again. I know you've worked very hard on Heero. It would be a shame to lose him now.' Professor G gloated behind me.

 

`Same to you, but I agree. These two should not meet again.' Dr. J said as he left, Heero following after him flashing me a glare. Professor G praised me before he showed the two out.

 

Things went back to the way they had been and I quickly forgot about that meeting. The routine life I was living reaffirming itself on me. Training, a moments freedom, and back again. I became a frightening mix of killer and playful child.

 

I met Solo when I was around eight. I was roaming streets of the colony on my own when he came across me and invited me to hang with him and his gang, which I gladly accepted. Professor G always said to be a follower when interacting with people, never draw attention, never be flashy, don't go against the grain.

 

Solo instantly took to me as did the rest in the gang. Soon he was waiting for me everyday and it didn't take long before he got curious. I avoided his questions though. The question of why I came out and returned to that house at the exact same time everyday, where the bruises and cuts that adorned me came from, and the question of why certain days I didn't come out at all. I avoided them all for three long years until the defiance surged in me.

 

I had been training all through the night with Professor G. I was getting tired of the exercise we kept repeating and it was nearly time for my escape. I ended up leaving late after a sever beating from Professor G for taking .039 seconds more to hack the Oz module then I should have.

 

Once I was free of his belt and out of the house the anger consumed me. Solo didn't get a word in. My raging madness spilled it all as we went to meet the others. We didn't meet up with the rest of the gang that day. Solo and I spent the day in the park on a bench he questioning me and I finally answering all those things I'd avoided.

 

Shock, appall, disgust he clearly voiced at the things I told him. He condemned me for returning to that place, but I didn't know anything else. Solo hated it and for a year tore at me to leave, relentlessly he attacked, swaying my thoughts. He was always good at persuasion.

 

I went outside at my usual time. When my feet hit the pavement I cast the watch off and with it Professor G's hold on me. I wasn't going back and I knew he wouldn't come looking for me. He was too arrogant for that; he would just wait for me to come back. I swore I wouldn't go back, but I wasn't fully aware of how warped I really was. Away from him there was no suppression for the instincts he founded in me. It was only a matter of time and he surely knew that.

 

Caught by a street vendor for stealing, cornered in an alley, Solo standing in front of the group of us. The mans yells causing my teeth to grit, his hand gripped Solo's face then he was on the ground. My fists making quick work of him, his screams of surrender only fuelling me on. I couldn't stop until that face was mush, not one bone left intact, the mans hands slightly twitching in a humiliating death.

 

When I faced the others, spatters of blood coating me, fear was all I got from them. They should be afraid they were next. Witnesses were not acceptable. The hand reached to me, gently running over my cheek. My attention turned to Solo who stared unflinching into my ravenous madness before he pulled my head to his chest trying to suppress my murderous instinct. I couldn't fight the warm embrace that was beyond my understanding.

 

But that first time gave me a taste of what I'd been trained my entire life to do. Solo was always at my side. Sometimes he was able to stop me if he saw it before I could react, other times he could only get to me afterward. Grab me in that embrace, holding me tightly, reassuringly; confusing my wildness into submission.

 

I depended on him fully during that time unable to sleep unless he was next to me, no control unless he was near. He was the center I didn't have, had all the pieces I was missing. I didn't know how to express the things inside me so I did something I thought would make him happy. I destroyed the church that cast him out, told him he was a worthless child unfit for any family, the same church that handed me over to a mad scientist. I brought him to that place just before the timers zeroed and the whole thing went up in flames.

 

He wasn't happy; in fact he screamed and yelled at me. I didn't know what I had done wrong, didn't understand why he was angry. He complained about that place, cursed that place, I did what he always said he wanted to do. How was I wrong? Why was he crying?

 

I didn't understand his feelings and it irritated me. I ran from him, ran into the night letting my rage take over. Using the knife I had pilfered from a local thug months back to turn the night red. Slitting the throat of anyone who looked at me, bumped me, uttered a breath in my direction. Out of control and no restraint. This was what I was; this was Professor G's glorious design.

 

Solo found me by morning, thankfully before the authorities did. He hid me away forcing me to lay low, explaining to me what was wrong with my actions, why he was so upset and apologizing for his reaction. I didn't fully understand the things he said to me, but gave the illusion I did knowing I couldn't lose the warmth he gave me.

 

My mistakes were quickly forgotten when a plague hit the colony. Kids in the gang fell ill along with Solo. I refused to let Solo die from something so meaningless and raided the facility holding the cure, laying waste to all that stood in my way. I stole what I needed and tended to him. He quickly recovered and again scolded me, forcing me to take him to the facility to steal more of the cure for the rest of the gang.

 

Solo and I fought that night after he handed out the cure to those who could take it. He blamed me for the ones that died, telling me their blood was on my hands. Screaming how none of them had to die and it was my fault.

 

I didn't run from him this time. I faced his anger seething with my own. He never let me get a word in, just told me to stay away from him. I did as he asked and went into the alley of recuperating children, knife in hand. It was their fault he was mad at me, if they all died he'd have no reason for his anger. Twenty-two was the count alive. In a manner of minutes that number was reduced to zero with barely a sound. I made it quick and painless; torture was only used for POW's.

 

I felt him at the head of the alley. Solo didn't say anything when I turned to him, blood covering me, dripping from the knife I tightly held in my hand. The two of us stayed like that for a long while. My training proved worthless when faced by him. All witness were to be killed, if killing wasn't an option I had to escape, and if that proved futile the last course of action was self-termination.

 

The knife fell from my hand; the metal clinking on the wet concrete was almost defining. I was defective.

 

Solo lunged at me tackling me into the blood, the filth and the shit of the dead. Time and again he left an opening for a kill, but I didn't move allowing him to beat me. Taking his hits, his anger and hate for me exuded in every punch and kick he showered upon me. I let him go until he exhausted himself, falling to his knees in the putrid alley.

 

I rolled to my side aching everywhere taking in his profile. The reasons for my actions were unknown to me. I didn't like that fact, but couldn't separate myself from him. Seeing the conflicting feelings battling on his face unsettled me.

 

I forced my aching arm to move, reaching out to the hand lying in a puddle of crimson. His cold eyes snapped to me at the touch. I held their harsh gaze as I uttered the words I had heard others say, even said myself, but this time I somewhat understood the feelings behind them.

 

`I'm sorry.' Solo's torn disposition changed slightly in that moment. His face crumbling to a pain I couldn't even begin to comprehend. He pulled me into his lap and held me as he cried. His tears were warm as his embrace, leaving the enchanting taste of sorrow on my lips. I never slept so soundly in all my life as I did in that alley full of death with Solo holding tight to me.

 

Solo woke me from my sound slumber once he collected himself and we left that place finding a new hideout for the two of us. He again forced me to lay low.

 

Solo acted moderately different towards me and I sensed that change in him. His eyes didn't look at me the same; there was always distrust in them. He started to leave often forcing me to stay in the abandoned apartment building alone. It was only for a few hours at first, me always anticipate his return. Then it became the whole of the day, but he was always back by nightfall staying next to me as I slept.

 

My thoughts started to turn inward at his constant absence. I started questioning why I was still laying low after two months past, why I was doing as he told me so blindly. I felt like a pet, like a dog rescued from an owner that abused it, trained it for fighting, and taken in by one that showed it cautious affection, while keeping it caged.

 

Solo entered the building calling for me. I was on a bed in a remote part locked in my mind, unwilling to give response. Solo practically kicked in the door open panicked and worried until he found me half on, half off the dirty mattress staring at the floor.

 

`Why didn't you answer me kid?' He snorted in partial irritation mostly relief. His hand rubbed the back of my head. `I thought you left.'

 

`Why can't I leave here?' I voiced those things I'd kept silent, unable to stay in this cage.

 

`Cause kid, the cops er all over lookin for you.' Solo sighed taking a seat on the beaten yellow plaid chair adjacent to my position.

 

`Yer lyin.' My eyes stayed on the ground.

 

`I'm not lyin kid; I'm just lookin out for ya.' Solo sighed heavily falling back in the chair.

 

`You think I'm stupid? No one gives a fuck about a buncha dead street rats.' Solo was glaring at me when I raised my eyes and I realized I wanted that. I wanted him angry, I just didn't know why.

 

`I care.' Force to those words.

 

`Yer punishing me then?'

 

`No. Where are you gettin all this shit? I'm fuckin tired kid. Let's just go to bed alright?' Solo stood up nodding to the door. Usually I didn't say much to him when he came back, he would recline on a bed and I would curl in his lap, he idly toying with my hair until I fell asleep, just like a pet, just like an obedient dog.

 

`I'm not yer fuckin dog.' I growled sounding similar to the animal I was denying being as I rose to my feet. I was angry. It wasn't an act.

 

`What's yer fuckin problem tonight? Shit.' He didn't want to deal with me.

 

`I'm sick of being locked in here! Why did you make me leave if your just gonna lock me away? What's the fuckin difference?'

 

Solo was too me in a second gripping me by the chin, his fingers digging into my cheeks anger turning those green eyes to fire. `Don't you fuckin say that. Don't you ever say that shit.' His violent grip was gone and he held me tightly forcing my head against his chest. `It's completely different. I'll never hurt you Duo. I won't let anyone hurt you.'

 

The slow rhythmic beat, so loud in my ears. His heart, so full of emotions, passion, fear, hate. The sound of it made my swirling mind stop and my anger dissipate. It hit me then, the reasons I stayed with him, the reason I became his obedient dog. He made me feel. I was feeling those emotions I had always pretended to have; emotions Professor G programmed me never to have.

 

I didn't sleep that night cornered by that truth, and stumbling upon another as I watched him with an aching in my chest. Professor G had explained it to me once calling it a mythical emotion, the greatest weakness of man, a weakness I couldn't survive.

 

By morning I could no longer face Solo, my training demanding resolution, while my heart protested it endlessly. I forced my behavior normal as Solo remained in the building with me for the next five days, leaving me ever sleepless. On the sixth day he finally went out. Sleep is what I should have done, but instead my mind raced. I could finally let my guard down and ponder the things I'd been hiding in his presence.

 

My training was too heavily engrained and the fear of the unknown far too great. I snuck out and contacted G told him of my malfunctions. He gave me the promise of a cure with one stipulation I didn't hesitate to agree. When Solo returned to the complex he came across a note I had left saying I was returning to G and if wanted to see me to meet me in the park…

 

I fell completely back on the ground, letting the pouring rain fill my mouth, tasting the ash from the fire still smoldering in the distance. I spat it out rolling to my side resting my head on my arm seeing the droplets of water crash against the ground in an unknown suicide. I'd never been so envious of a raindrop.

 

I pulled my legs up towards my head scrunching into a fetal position. If I had stayed the person I was with Solo would I feel all the things I did today? Were any of those feelings real? Who the hell was I?

 

Stuck on that cold ground I was suffering the most extreme identity crisis. I deeply yearned for contact, but wasn't sure what I needed, Solo's embrace or the Dogs playful words. Wanting so badly to break down and cry, yet too scared the tears might be fake, that everything I was was just a carefully crafted illusion.

 

Malicious, was an understatement for what Solo had done to me. I longed to escape myself unable to suppress the surging memories of both those pasts. They overlapped and intertwined driving me mad with their relentlessness.

 

What was I suppose to believe, which was better, a past where I lost everyone or one where I killed everyone. The irony was not lost to me. I called Yuy out when I was just like him. So scared of the feelings Solo gave me, of the strangeness inside of me, I wanted to kill him and erase every aspect of him from my mind. When I went back to Professor G that was my hope, to wipe away his existence.

 

Solo was right about one thing. Despite how much Professor G or I wanted it, he couldn't get rid of Solo completely. He could rewire my mind all he wanted, but not my heart. In the designed memory of Solo and the memory he gave me his death had the same effect. When I stabbed the knife into him, when he took his last breath in my arms I felt it. Felt that organ in my chest burn, unbearably hot. A fire nothing could touch, no emotion could survive, no words could heal and time passed just as it did now. So slow, never ending, letting me watch all my hope slip away, seeing everything I was turn to ash, binding me with this agonizing pain.

 

My hands slid into my hair gripping it pressing my eyes tight against my knees. I didn't want to see it anymore. I didn't want to feel this anymore. Ever since his hand grazed mine, since that insignificant touch, the pain came back. The pain I could never escape when he died in my arms. And now, now this new pain, this new weight added to my crumbling conscience.

 

I rolled to my back, falling out of my fetal curl, the back of my hand resting on the bridge of my nose. I loved him, loved him so much I couldn't let him go, but there was no way I could stay. The choked laugh left me. I was still just a fuckin selfish kid; it was almost frightening how well Yuy called me.

 

My hand dropped from my face, both extended on either side of me, as the silent tears fell disappearing in the rain.

 

It was so loud, the world passing around me at a thousand miles a second while I remained still. I'd hit a low there was no getting out of, trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle with a hundred extra pieces and no edge to start from. All I'd ever wanted was to get Solo back and now I wished he would have stayed buried.