Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Designed Memories ❯ Am I Suffocating Right ( Chapter 17 )

Ch:17 Am I Suffocating Right

 

“B-But you can save Jaster?” Cliff's unsure voice wafted to me.

 

My head fell back; my eyes closed trying to fight the things inside me. I was barely hanging on, but I couldn't break, I didn't have the luxury to lose myself to this sadness. I never did. My teeth grit together as reason stomped my sorrow deep within. I shrugged Yuy's hand off me pushing away the excess from my eyes with the back of a hand rising to my feet.

 

“Yer right Cliff.”

 

“Duo, are you…” Charlie's question trailed as cut in.

 

“Yeah, I'll have the time to mourn when I'm dead.” The smile I gave to Charlie was far too natural for the moment, but it wasn't the first time for me or second, hell even third. My eyes fell to Lania. It was nothing new. The same as before and before then. Seemed the fate of anyone I loved to end up dead at my feet.

 

“Don't deny your emotions Duo. Hiding them away doesn't make them disappear. If you continue to do so they will twist and rot inside you causing you to do the same.” Chang's words were only partially for me.

 

I gave Chang a shallow laugh drawing his attention away from Yuy. “If that's true, then I'm so twisted and rotted I don't even think I'm human anymore.”

 

“Are you going to get Jaster?” Cliff's question was so quiet it was almost as if he didn't ask it at all.

 

I looked to Cliff who was shying behind Charlie, if he was trying to hide; he wasn't doing a good job. “Yeah sure, I'll get him.”

 

“We can have a team ready in 10 minutes with equipment to-”

 

“It ain't gonna work that way Chang, but you knew that already huh?” Chang and I shared a knowing glare.

 

“Whacha talkin bout Pitbull?” Maleek and a few others casting me confused glances.

 

“Chang can explain it to ya. I'm still tryin to shake off them drugs and I got shit to do.” I said bumping past Yuy and Adam to get behind them where my dresser was grabbing a black tank top that I wore under my uniform, slipping it on.

 

“Do you even know where to go?” Charlie cut off my progress a mix of concern and helplessness in him. My hand went in my pocket and pulled out the thick card, my eyes flashing up to him.

 

“Of course.”

 

“You mean, yesterday…” Charlie was paling out.

 

“Seems so.”

 

“What about yesterday?” Chang didn't like being out of the loop. He went for the card in my hand that I pulled out of his reach.

 

I waggled a finger back and forth in front of him. “Now, now Chang. If you know you'll follow me.”

 

“Like hell.” Ty snorted pushing past Mickey grabbing Chang by the front of the shirt bringing him up close to that overbearing mass.

 

“You say you got this, then you got this.” Adam said stepping in front of Yuy, which Yuy didn't like so much, leaving the two to have a glaring battle, both with muscles taut ready to attack.

 

“We won't follow.” Chang grumbled, obviously not happy with the turn of events. “Take this.” He handed me his phone as Ty loosened his grip, but didn't let go. “When the young Mr. Fitter is secure contact us with your position. The God of Death cannot be allowed to continue.” His words firm as he smacked Ty's hand off him.

 

“Yeah, you got it.” I took it, even thought I wouldn't be making that call, to appease Chang.

 

“Maxwell.” Yuy barked. I glanced over my shoulder; he had his gun held out to me. “Take it.”

 

The temptation was there, like eve staring at that forbidden fruit, Yuy the snake whispering in my ear. My hand ached for that power. It was near impossible to get a gun anymore, especially for someone like me. Thoughts, so many of them, turning over in my mind as I reached for that soulless metal casting my complex reflection back to me.

 

“Pitbull doesn't need it.” Adam denied me, placing his hand on Yuy's pushing the gun from my reach. Yuy was glaring to him, but Adam and I were locked in a stare. He was right, I didn't need it. My mind was a tempestuous place, putting me in a precariously volatile state. An air of unpredictability engulfing me, all the suppression was twisting me.

 

“Jaster's waiting.” Adam reminded me.

 

“You're right.” There was no playful tone between us. Adam saw into me, saw those things that had gone through my head. I turned from him. The guys sensed the uneasiness between the two of us and stayed back unsure of the situation, save for Charlie who wanted to say something, but couldn't find the right words. Cliff placed his hand on Charlie's shoulder pulling him back from me seeming to also note my instability.

 

I reached in my pocket and placed that fist on Charlie's chest glancing to him from the corner of my eye as I passed. “This way you won't have to try and remember me when you wake up.”

 

His hands came under mine as I opened my fist dropping the weight of my past on to him. I didn't bother to see his reaction as I went to the door.

 

“Duo wait!” He finally found words. “You're coming back right?” I opened the door in response. “Right!” Fear and desperation.

 

I shut the door behind me without hesitation. I didn't have a reply for him. My feet took me down the walkway and stairs.

 

When that gun was held to me, the thoughts crossed my mind. Kill them; kill myself, which would be easier, which would cause less pain. I know which would have happened if that gun touched my hand.

 

My feet hit the street and paused as I took in all the passing people. Always hiding behind a mask, so lost in my self-deception I couldn't remember who I was suppose to be, but unable to forget what I was.

 

I was a hypocritical contradiction. A brave coward. I laughed while being eaten alive by my past. I preached truth and lied to myself with every breath.

 

The soft murmurs of those passing caught my ears as I tilted my head back, the artificial sun shining on me, but I couldn't feel its warmth stuck in conflict with myself. I would have died in that room. Chang would have seen to that. Too weak to kill myself, but monstrous enough to force his hand.

 

I set my feet in motion, no destination in mind, just trying to distance myself from the complex. My thoughts drifted. It had all played out in my head. The thing about us pilots, the thing we all shared in common, was we didn't know how to shoot and not kill. Once a target was between the crosshairs death was inevitable when that trigger was pulled, the only way to stay alive was to be fast enough and the only people fast enough were ourselves. Trained to kill, built for war, such was our prognosis. Safety off, point blank, Yuy wouldn't be able to dodge this time. Chang would know that, would know the set in my eyes, he wouldn't hesitate because I wouldn't, not until that critical moment. By then it'd be too late.

 

“I need a drink.” I sighed to myself, knowing it wasn't an option. I pulled the card and phone from my pocket as I walked further into the city. I was not at all focused as I dialed the white numbers on one side of the pure black card. Seemed kind of pointless to even have a card, could have just wrote the number on a piece of paper instead of wasting the money.

 

The phone rang in my ear, but I wasn't there. It would be nearly painless, just a numbing of the head. I would feel nothing while everyone in that room was destroyed. Smiling to Yuy my death covering his face as he watched everything he loved die. Poor Chang would have to suffer all the blame. The violence engrained in all their eyes, a nightmare to always wake them. I wouldn't have had to give Charlie that cross; he would've never been able to forget me no matter how hard he tried.

 

I had to wonder who was the actual monster on L2, the God of Death or me. He tortured and killed a woman he didn't know, while I would have endlessly tortured everyone close to me. Thankfully, I didn't have an answer to that question and I didn't dwell on it turning my focus elsewhere.

 

“Are you fuckin kidding me!” I snapped. No one was picking up the goddamn phone.

 

I thought to throw the device into the ground, but I couldn't give up on Jaster. I owed that to Charlie and Cliff. I owed Charlie a hell of a lot, more than he or even I knew. If it weren't for him I would have…

 

“Its time to wake up Duo.” It was the God of Death's voice, sounded pre-recorded. There was along dead space. I should have hung up; I don't know why I didn't.

 

A high-pitched squealing found my ear. I dropped the phone cringing away from it. I stuck my finger in my ear feeling like that sound was still there. I stumbled back nearly losing my footing, catching a building, the sound filling my head, reverberating off my skull to run over my brain again and again, like the rising tide on a beach. The waves of sound repeatedly pounding on the soft tissue eroding it away.

 

“What…the…fuck.” I spat in pained breaths, my equilibrium gone at the attack on my inner ears and entire mind. I lost my grip on the building and hit the ground. My hands tried to grip my head, which was breaking in two. I was sure my brain and the thick membranous fluids that protected it were leaking over the pavement, which made it impossible for any of my limbs to react as I wanted. Instead they flopped uselessly around as I struggled. It was a pain so great I couldn't make a sound, couldn't even breathe. My throat convulsed, all the blood was running to my head, my veins feeling like they'd explode any minute.

 

As suddenly as it came it went. I gasped in air like a baby taking its first breath, thirsty for it. A mass of faces I didn't recognize surrounded me one in particular was just in front of me. It finally hit me that he was speaking and I could hear him clearly.

 

“Can you here me? Don't move we've called an ambulance. I'm a doctor at L2 General. You're going to be okay.”

 

It was hazy, everything happening around me, every thought I had dazed, confused and at a complete loss. I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth feeling something discomforting there. Bright red coated it as it came into view. I ran the palm of my left hand under my nose; more of that color was shown to me. The back of the hand followed the same path with a similar result. What the fuck was going on?

 

I sat up pushing away the hands trying to keep me down assuring the man tending to me I was fine. Physically, I was pretty sure I was, so it wasn't a lie. Mentally however, I wasn't sure at all.

 

I managed to get to my feet with the buildings help. I looked down at my hands that were covered in red smears and couldn't move. Things waltzed around my mind in a nightmarish dance, each taking center stage for a moment of utter horror. This wasn't the first time my hands had been covered in blood.

 

“Here.” My eyes snapped in terror to the man who had been helping me as he placed the moist white towel in my hand. “Use it to clean up. Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital. You do seem fine, but it might be for the best. I know who you are and I know you're tougher then most people, but it couldn't hurt. The wounds on your arms don't look as if they were treated at a medical facility, it might be in your best interest to get them looked at before an infection takes hold.”

 

“It's a solid stitch and I'm fine.” I said slightly breathless quickly looking away from him and wiping my shaking hands before running the towel over my face taking time on my nose as I sniffed the remaining blood to the back of my throat.

 

“Your ears too.” The man said, as I was about to hand him the towel.

 

“My ears?” It was taking all of me to hold my composure.

 

“Are you sure you're okay?” I immediately wiped the areas he indicated and handed the towel back to him.

 

“Yeah, I'm sure.” No I wasn't.

 

“Okay.” His disbelief was obvious, though the way I was trembling made the lie obvious. “Maybe you should sit down.”

 

The man gripped my left arm, my right sprung to action. I was barely conscious of what I was doing, overrun by a maelstrom of images, memories, a horrifying truth. The hand grabbed my right wrist before it reached the unsuspecting doctor.

 

“Duo. What the fuck is wrong with you man? I've been waiting forever for you.” That voice. Now I couldn't breathe for completely different reasons.

 

“Oh, are you with him? You should….” Their conversation was lost to me as I stared at that smiling face. He was just like I dreamed. His face handsome and strong. Those green eyes sharp as ever, the smile so natural on those dignified lips. The raven black hair was short, sticking up in odd places in the back while shocks broke up the hypnotic power of those eyes. He was a good half a head taller then me. He looked normal, healthy, alive.

 

I knew it was him, our last conversation made that clear, but all the mental preparation in the world couldn't ready me for this, for seeing a man that was suppose to be dead, the one I held so tightly. A fist clenching pain took my head. Things flashed through there, things that didn't make any sense.

 

I broke away from the two of them bracing myself on a lamppost, the vomit pouring from my mouth into the street. I hunched over spitting the bile from my mouth before I brought my hand to my lips, those putrid things still swirling through my mind.

 

“You okay kid.” He gripped my shoulder. I batted it off me stumbling away as I turned on him. He grabbed me by both arms pulling me back from the street, the angry horn of a passing freight truck blaring at us.

 

“Shit, you want to get away from me that bad huh? Gonna throw yerself in traffic now?” He smiled that smile I never forgot. I squirmed from his grasp.

 

“Don't you fuckin come near me.” My left hand was back to my mouth wiping away the remainder of the sick from the corners of my mouth.

 

“What's the matter Duo?” He was enjoying this.

 

“What the hell did you do to me?” I wasn't.

 

“Do to you? Come on man, I'm just tryin to help you huh?” He reached for me and I slapped his hand away.

 

“Don't fuck with me Solo! What the fuck did you do to me?!” My teeth set in a gnashing anger.

 

“You really wanna do this here?” Solo said nodding to the growing onlookers.

 

“Tell me.” I ground the words out.

 

Solo gave me a broad grin as he leaned forward bringing our faces a bit closer. “I opened your eyes Duo. Didn't you notice?”

 

“Stop with these fuckin games! What the fuck did you do to my head?” I had Solo by the front of his shirt bringing our faces even closer. Solo wasn't smiling anymore, in fact, those green eyes looked vicious.

 

“Yer startin to piss me off kid and after all the shit you pulled, ya really don't wanna piss me off anymore than ya already have. You get me.” I let go of Solo stepping back from him things churning and gurgling around my mind.

 

My eyes fell from Solo's cold glare my left hand running over my forehead as I distance myself further from him, odd moments glancing through my thoughts. It was all out of order and none of it made sense.

 

“Come on.” Solo reached for me and I jerked away. He held his hands up in surrender. “Look, there's a park across the street alright. I just wanna bring ya over there so you can sit down before your ass falls down and causes another fuckin uproar. Still be in public so ya know I won't do nothin to ya, right?”

 

Solo again reached for me and I let him take hold of my arm, so easily trusting him. He did exactly as he promised leading us across the four lanes of traffic to the park. We sat on a bench; he kept a moderate distance from me seeming to know I didn't fully trust him.

 

“Fuckin drama queen ass.” He snorted to me leaning back stretching his arms out on either side of the bench. I couldn't stop myself from staring at his relaxing form. The hunter green shirt hugged his upper torso showing the lean muscle beneath. The loose fitting black and white camouflaged pants didn't exactly match, but looked good on him. My eyes followed the length of his legs to the well-worn boots that adorned his feet.

 

His head fell back letting the sun hit that tanned face. “Feels good huh? Been a long time since we sat together like this. Almost kills me rememberin that last time.”

 

My eyes fell from him and my mind went there. The two of us sat on a bench just like this one, but it was much later at night. His words were like ice. Questioning me, tearing into me, accusing me.

 

`You gonna go back? You think that's gonna help you; you think he can fix you? Yer fuckin wrong Duo and you know that shit. He's the one that fucked you all up in the first place. How can you be so fuckin stupid?'

 

My words were just as harsh. `That's fuckin rich Solo. Can you stop me?' I glared at him with the last.

 

Solo returned my glare. `Maybe not, but I can stop you from goin back.'

 

`You won't have the chance.' My voice empty as I stood up. He followed suit.

 

`You won't hurt me Duo.'

 

`What makes you so sure?'

 

“Cause you can't. I'm all you got.' His eyes slightly widened, as they looked down to mine that reflected his pain. The smile took him, a line of crimson formed between the lips before they parted letting that warmth spill down his chin over my hands.

 

`I rather have nothing.' I said pulling the knife from his gut.

 

`You fuckin shit.' Solo croaked, his hands reaching for me as he fell to the ground. It was futile he couldn't reach me anymore. No one could. `Think you can do this to me and feel nothing?' Solo grunted the pain and anger obvious in his voice.

 

I gave the sky a mournful smile. `Doesn't matter what I feel. I'm going to forget you and everything else I did. I'm built for war, nothing else, but you fucked me all up. I can't let you keep livin.'

 

`Why's that?' I looked down on his dying form

 

`Because I love you Solo.'

 

He gave a choked laugh, blood erupting from his lips. `Sad little shit…you don't even know what that means.'

 

`That's the problem, I do.' The words barely uttered from my cold disposition as I left him dying in that dim lit park.

 

My eyes rose from where I sat. My elbows on my knees my hands intertwined in a large fist in front of me. I scanned the area. It was here, not in this exact spot, but this was the park. I separated my hands looking down at them. After I left him that night, I'd done the same thing. Stared endlessly at my hands covered in that thick red. By the time I reached my destination day was breaking, the blood dry, and I was sure Solo was gone.

 

`So you really did come back.' My head rose to the man addressing me. His long big nose reminded me of the beak of a toucan. His wild silver hair giving him even more the appearance of a bird, like those dark beady eyes the glasses magnified. Professor G, I could never forget that man.

 

`I knew this would happen. You left before your training was complete, leaving you incomplete. Everything's ready, judging from the amount of blood on you I assume you want to do this sooner rather than later.'

 

`Shut yer fuckin mouth.' I snapped. He blew off my tainted words.

 

`You won't get a second chance Duo. This is permanent. This is your last chance to back out.' He said leading me through the house down a long flight of stairs into a large room.

 

I said nothing lying on the metal table in the center. I'd been there before, on that table. He sighed next to me strapping my arms, legs, and torso to that slab. The heavy helmet came over my head turning the white world around me black.

 

`Is there anything you want to keep?”

 

`No.'

 

`Are you sure?'

 

`Drop the fuckin act G.'

 

`It's not an act Duo. You're like a son to me. I worry about you.'

 

`I'm a fuckin defective experiment ya can't get rid of. Now turn this thing on or I'm gonna fuckin bury you.'

 

`This will hurt.' His statement punctuated by the high-pitched squeal of the machine and a pain so pure, so absolute, no description would ever do it justice.

 

My back hit the bench, my mouth agape in disbelief my head slightly shaking back and forth as if that move alone would falsify the memory. I felt disgusting, like some rancid filth was leaking from my mind coating my entire body, oozing from my pores. I was up from the bench.

 

“What the fuck? That's fuckin bullshit.” My entire body jittery with denial. If that happened, I met Professor G long before I previous thought. If the timeline of that moment was right, it was a week before Operation Meteor. “There's no fuckin way.” My desperation fell on Solo, but he had no pity for me. His shirt was up, thumb running over a scar on his stomach in the exact spot I felt the knife plunge in, the shock didn't have a chance as Solo dropped his hand and proceeded to crush my existence.

 

“Know how hard it is to hack someone's brain? I'll tell ya, really fuckin hard. Professor G was good, damn good. Rehashed yer whole head. Didn't think I was gonna be able to do it. Dumb luck had ya stumble in that bar, but them Preventer's were out in force. Wanted to do it all in one shot, but that Yuy guy really wanted yer ass back. Hell took me a whole day just to get all them memories he gave ya. Took me three more to get in em and even longer to get that pattern. Had to dump yer ass before yer fuckin Preventer caught on. That fuckin mad scientest encrypted the fuck outta that shit too, took me and my guys some effort. Gotta give it to that motherfucker though, did alotta good shit with me, course prolly cause he knew he couldn't erase my ass from there.” Solo nodded to my chest before he continued.

“Bet he woulda tried harder if he thought I'd make it. All in all, I gotta say I was pretty damn disappointed to find all it took was that little ass sound ya heard to crack it. Make me work my ass off for some stupid ass shit like that.”

 

I had no idea what he was saying, no that wasn't right, I knew exactly what he was saying; it was strangling me, suffocating me, binding me to the spot. I can't say for sure what I was feeling watching him yawning on that bench, give a stretch, and lean forward passively killing me.

 

“Yer friends are pretty damn predictable huh?” He commented glancing over his shoulder at a commotion across the street.

 

I followed Solo's line of sight. Adam and Charlie were there, where I had recently been, grabbing passing people questioning them. I was surprised I had the capacity to feel relief, but I did at seeing them. It meant Jaster was okay. No way Charlie would be out if Jaster was still in danger, though part of me knew, had known from the instant I figured out it was Solo, Jaster was never in serious danger. Solo would never hurt a kid. This was all a trap, a way to get me alone. The cameras couldn't see us, no one could find us, he made sure of that with the thing he put in me.

 

My eyes caught the form rising from a crouch, black device in hand. Yuy. The thought I didn't have seeing the other two welled in me now, call out to him. If anyone could save me, it was the `perfect solider.' Yuy's eyes lifted from the phone scanning the area.

 

I shifted to my right stepping in front of Solo. “Stand up.”

 

Solo pulled a wry smile doing as I said effectively obstructing my view of Yuy and assuredly Yuy's of me. The dark green fiber was all I could see, unable to raise my head to the cause of my uncertainty. He'd given me the opportunity to escape, would have let me call for Yuy, let Yuy see me.

 

“Why didn't you call out to him?” There was no point in answering his question, he knew why. “Suppose you want an explanation huh? Want to know what happened, want to know what the fucks goin on? That it?”

 

“Just fuckin tell me.” My hands clenched into fists, so badly I wanted to hit him, but I was so confused even my anger wasn't coming out right.

 

“Listen up kid.” Solo bumped my chin with his hand forcing my eyes to him. “I hated you. Oh, I fuckin hated you. Fuck, you left me for dead. If chick hadn't been takin a late night jog and found me, I woulda been dead, though lookin back on it that mighta been the better option. Course yer ass wouldn't know shit about it. Bout what a weak ass yer mad scientist was. Got holda me right after my ass came too from that shit, but he wasn't as cold blooded as you, didn't even try to kill my ass. Instead he dumped me into the prison system on Earth. Killed me off and cut me off from the rest of the world. Figured I'd die in there since them were the shittiest places to be held up in, fuckin worse then L2 and that's sayin somethin. Got beat down regularly, tortured a couple times, threatened daily, but I'm a fuckin L2 street rat, ain't nothin in that place could kill me off not when I had to get yer ass back. Only thing that kept me goin. Wasn't sure how, but when I got out yer ass was mine.

“Never did make it outta there on my own though. It was actually President Relena Darlin that let me out. Gave the few of us still alive full pardons, no questions asked. Can't even tell you how pissed I was seein yer face again, it was all over the place, you and the rest of them pilots. To think this kid I was so ready to fuckin kill was a God damn war hero.”

 

That viciousness was in those eyes again. There was nothing to say in defense, I had no defense. Stuck in conversation with a man I thought dead, speaking of a past he didn't have. His words rang with truth, but I couldn't be the lie.

 

“Wasn't no easy way to get to you, hell even if ya weren't a hero, yer trainin was too damn good. So I laid low and did some homework. Found out what I could then tapped into the Preventer's line and started watchin ya. I knew it when I first laid eyes on ya; you went through with that shit. You were so different.” He sounded conflicted. “How could I kill ya if you weren't the same person, ya wouldn't even know what the fuck I was doin. Thought of alotta ways to come at you. Found other ways to waste my time, kinda how this God of Death thing started out.” He chuckled.

 

“So yer fuckin killin people on a whim?” The anger was barely there, but noticeable.

 

“Ha, that's some funny shit. You pissed bout me killing people on a fuckin whim, now that's some fuck all irony.” His tone biting. “First off, get yer shit straight before you start pointing fingers kid. I ain't killed no one. Can't speak for the guys under me, but there ain't no blood on my hands. Secondly, if anyone's gotta right to be pissed here its me. Use that fuckin head a yours.” The index and middle finger of his right hand pushing against the side of my head for effect.

 

I looked at Solo disorientated by the conflicting concepts of him I held. One was so wise, always knowing the right thing to say. The other took such a round about way of saying something I was often lost on the point by the end. My eyes searched his face a sense of unease taking me.

 

“It's all fucked up now though, once I got here and really gotta watch ya I was just goin through the motions, I mean what else could I do. I spent so much time figurin how to get you back I couldn't waste it. Course, then I gotta hold of them memories and my revenge fell apart. All this time I been thinkin of ya, hatin on yer ass, while you been killing yerself over me. The way you held me man, shit almost brought a damn tear to my eye.” Solo's attention moved to the alarm sounding on his wristwatch. “That time already.” He said to the device before addressing me again. “Now, don't take all that the wrong way kid, there is malicious intent to my actions.”

 

Solo's hand came to my up turned face. He leaned down to me, his thumb brushing gently over my cheek. “I was tortured, beatin, left for dead, all because of you and you just ran away from me to live a lie, living in designed memories.”

 

His lips pressed against mine. The ground beneath my feet trembled, the air filled with a grandiose rumble that endlessly sounded. The sun was no longer shining down on us, but the heat intensified before cold water poured down from above. His warm lips fell from mine, the water hitting my eyes causing them flutter as his lips brushed my ear.

 

“I'm gonna enjoy watchin you fall apart.” Solo's hand slid from my face as he bumped past me. I would have turned after him, but I was stuck in awe staring at the destruction before me. The frame that loomed above the city was gone, replaced by a large pillar of black smoke. That dark cloud filled the artificial sky, water pouring down from the sprinkler system. I didn't bother turning around, Solo was already gone and I wouldn't find him unless he wanted me to.