Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Gundam Wing: And The Old Hag ❯ Chapter 3 ( Chapter 3 )

Part III of

Gundam Wing and The Old Hag

Last time Wufei and Concord were walking in a marshy area…

Wufei: Um…well…come Concord…

Minstrel (Concord): o/` I am coming…coming yes I am! o/`

Wufei: Right…

Some priests walk into sight…

Priests: Be a es sue doe me nae…doe na ee es requiem…(they all hit themselves in the head with a piece of wood…)

Wufei: Man this town is weird…

Minstrel: o/` Yes it is…Weird yes it is…o/`

Wufei: I hope the others have to go through this torture…

~Where Duo is~

Duo is seen sitting in a hot tub being fanned by beautiful Asian women…

Duo: Ah…this is the life…

Author: …Duo…

Duo: What?!

Author: As comfortable as you may be…we don't have a permit to have hot tubs on the set…

Duo: God {Censored} it...

Author: And where did those Asia women come from?

Duo: Asia of course!

Author: …

Duo: There really from the movie that's being filmed next door…

Author: Just as I thought…

Duo: Fine!

~After the Asian women are gone and the hot tub was tossed…~

Duo: Well…now what am I supposed to do?

Author: nothing!

Duo: …

~Where Heero and Milliardo are~

Heero is trying to talk to a bunch of priests…

Heero: DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Priests: Be a es sue doe me nae…(whack)

Milliardo: …this is getting us nowhere…

Heero: Na…ya think…we mind as well blindly wonder through that forest over there…(points)

Minstrel: o/` I am scared…of the dark…please do not go! Oh, please do not go! o/`

Milliardo: …

Heero: We have to go…

Minstrel: o/` NOOOOO! o/`

Milliardo stuffs the minstrel inside a small leather bag…

Heero: good thinking…

Minstrel: (struggle) o/` Helep me…helep! o/`

Heero punches the bag.

The whining songs stop…

Milliardo: Well…lets get going…

Heero: Right.

~1 hour later~

Heero: Ok…this is ri-god-{censored}-diculous!

Milliardo: …

Heero: We've been wondering around here for 2 hours!

Author: one…

Heero: one!

Milliardo: Author person…can you…um add something…a bit…exciting to this…boring…predicament…

Author: …(thinks)…OK!

There is a sudden cracking noise coming from up ahead…

Heero: Th-thank y-you…(shivers)

They begin to gallop forward…as they do millions of people are appearing in the woods…until…

Knight: NI!

Heero: Huh?

Knight: NI!

Milliardo: …

Knight: You're supposed to be scared…

Heero: Of what?

Knight: …read the script…

Heero and Milliardo pull out a script and read over it while all of the knights of NI are playing hopscotch…

Heero: Oh…I see now…

Milliardo: …

Heero: You need to cut down on the …'s Milliardo, or you'll end up like Trowa!

Milliardo: YIK!

Knight: That's more like it!

Other Knight: NO!! He said the word!

Knight: NOOO!!! I am cursed! Oh well…

Heero: -k- then…

Milliardo whispering to Heero: They are the Knights of 'NI' people that encounter them seldom live to tell the tale…

Heero: that sounded so corny…

Knight: The Knights of 'NI!' demand a sacrifice!

Heero: What do you request oh Knights of 'NI'?

Knight: We demand…a BUSH!!

Milliardo: A-hem…

Knight: Whoops… I mean…a SHRUBBERY!(DUN NA!)

Heero: Not a Shrubbery!

Knight: Yes! A Shrubbery!

Milliardo: Well…if we must…we must…

Heero: Right then! We shall be back!

~Where Quatre is~

Authors note: Those with Heart problems, or queze stomachs may not want to read this portion of the story…but if you want a few laughs I suggest you do…

Quatre: I don't like the way you said that…

Author: I know…(laughs)

Quatre: Well…since all the other minstrels are taken, I am all alone! (Thinking: YES!) Oh and um…where am I going again?

Author: The castle Anthrax…

Quatre: AHHHHH!!! NOOOO!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!

Author: Sorry…

Quatre: (cries) Why me?

Author: Because…now just go!!

Quatre walks glumly to the door of the castle Anthrax…

A woman opens the door…who is…sadly…Dorothy…an he could see Hilde…*cough* …Sally…*hack* …Noin…*Choke* …Lady Une *Gag*…and…Realena *dies* behind her…

Quatre: this is too much…

Dorothy: Hello!

Quatre: Good buy!! (Runs as fast as he can away from the castle)

While he was running he ran into Duo…now they both have to sit around the studio doing nothing…

~Where Wufei is~

Wufei: OK! Let's go Concord! (Thinking: That sounded so corny)

Minstrel: o/` I am coming…coming yes I am! o/`

~Meanwhile…in a castle tower~

(Author: A man is yelling at a young prince, who seems rather pale and cock-eyed, you know he reminds me of a swallow…very white, and skinny, I wonder if he could carry a coconut from Africa to England…

Everyone on the set: GET ON WITH IT!

Author: Ok…)

Erbert (the young prince): But Mother…

Father (the man…): Father…I'm…father…

Erbert: But Brother…

Father: FATHER!

Erbert: But…father…

Father: But what?

Erbert: I don't want to marry her!

Father: Listen…you're marrying `er if it's the last thing I do! …I mean…You do!

Erbert: But…

Father: What??

Erbert: I'd just…rather…S-

(Music begins to play in background)

Father: NO!!!NO!!!NO!!!NO!!! NONE OF THAT!

Erbert: …

Father: Listen…just stay here…

(two guards walk in…)

Guard#1: Hello…

Guard#2: Hmm…

Father: AH! Yes! Come in, you need to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave…

Guard#1: Ok…make sure you don't leave…

Father: No…make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard#1: You mean the prince?

Father: Yes…

Guard#2: Hmm…*hick-up*

Father: ok…(walks out of room)

The two guards fallow him

Father: Where are you goen`?

Guard#1: We're comen` with you…

Father: Look…this scene goes on forever…just do as you're told…

Guard#1: Good Ideer!

Guard#2: Hick-up!

Father: Oh, go get a glass of water! (Stomps out)

Erbert sits at the window…mindlessly…like someone else we all know…then gets an idea…walks over to the table and scribbles something down…then sends it out the window with an arrow…the guards are ignorant and don't notice anything…

~Back where Wufei is…~

Wufei: Ok! Let's get on with it…

An arrow hits Concord in the stomach…

Minstrel: Ouchies…

Wufei: Oh no! He's dead! (Thinking: YES!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

He notices the note attached to the arrow…

Wufei: A note! (Reads)

It read:

To Whom It May Concern: HELP, HELP, HELP, HELP, HELP…I am a young princess being held captive by my father…he wishes me to marry an awful woman…please HELP! From, Erbert, at the Swamp Castle…

Wufei: Well…at least its not Castle Anthrax…

Wufei runs off leaving the minstrel in the middle of nowhere…A small purple dog comes up to him…

Courage: Poor guy…

~Back at the Castle~

Wufei runs to the castle and kills half the people that are at the wedding celebration…he runs up the stairs to where Erbert is being held captive…

Wufei: (kneels to Erbert…) I am a knight of the round table and have come to rescue a poor damsel…(looks up then gets up) Oh, I'm terribly sorry…

Erbert: you came to rescue me!

Wufei: I…I…did?

Erbert: Yes! You did! And I have a rope all ready! (Pulls out a rope ties one end to the bed post…and the other out the window…) OK! Now let's go! (Goes out the window holding on to the rope…)

(The Father runs in)

Father: YOU! You did this!

Wufei: Well…um…you see…I…thought that your son was a lady…and…

Father: Well I can relate to that…

Wufei: Well…um…sorry…I kind of get carried away…

Erbert: I am ready!

Father: (cuts rope) Yes…well…will you so kindly get out before I call the authorities…

Wufei: Gladly…(runs)

~While running from the castle Wufei ran into Trowa…then they both went back to the studio with Duo and Quatre…and they had absolutely nothing to do!~

~Where Heero and Milliardo are~

Heero: Here! We got your Shrubbery! Now let us pass through!

Knight: Good! 'Tis` a nice Shrubbery! But we demand another sacrifice!

Milliardo: WHAT?!

Knight: YES!! We are no longer the knights who say 'NI' we are now the knights who say, 'IKY IKY IKY IKY IKY PATANG ZOOBOING ZOWWW…'

Knight-in-the-background: ni…

Knight: SH!

Heero: Well what do you want oh knights who say Ik…Well…um…knights who so recently sat 'NI'?

Knight: We demand…another Shrubbery!(DUN NAA!)

Milliardo: WHY?!

Knights: Just do it! And after you get it you shall place it next this one…only little higher as to get the little path effect!

Knights-in-background: Yes! A path…a path!

Knight: THEN! You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest…with!!! A MOOSE!

Heero&Milliardo: ???NO WAY!

Knight: Oh please!

Heero: Well do nothing of it!

Knight: OH! Don't say the word!

Heero: What is it?

Knight: AH! There it is again!

Heero: ?

Milliardo: Let's just…leave before we…um…

Heero: We don't need an excuse to leave just do it!

Knight: AHHH! Stop, don't say it!

Heero and Milliardo walk away…over the river a through the woods to the studio they go! When they all met up…They all set off for the Cave of wonders.

~Near the cave of wonders…~

A man is blowing a lot of stuff up and then walks over to the Knights who are now clapping…

Tim The enchanter: thank you!

Quatre: That was amazing!

Wufei: Oi…

Heero: …well hello! Could you direct us to the cave of wonders?

Tim: Yes…But! If you are a chicken I warn you! Turn back now! For death awaits you! With big Sharp pointy teeth!!

Wufei: I guess I'm the only one that can go!

Duo: Yeah…sure…

Quatre: Wufei, we're all going!

Wufei: Humph!

~5 minutes later~

They are all sitting behind some rocks at the mouth of the cave of wonders when a large Moose walks up.

Tim: There it is!

Wufei: What? Behind the moose?

Tim: It is the moose…

Trowa:!! You numbskull!

Heero: !!

Trowa: You had me so scared I lost my memory!

All: ¬-¬`

The moose walks away…

Duo: There let's go…this is nuts! (Walks to the cave the moose doesn't move, Duo goes in, the moose doesn't move…)

Tim: How did he do that?!?!

Heero: There's the all mighty Duo Maxwell for ya…

Wufei: Yeah, sure…in his dreams…

Quatre: I think that's quite frequently…

Trowa: Huh?

Quatre: Considering he watches the TV through his nostrils…

Wufei: (laughs) How true!

Duo: What are you guys doing out there?! Come on!

Heero: Ok…

They all walk into the cave, the moose doesn't move…

Tim: How did they do that?! Lemme try! (Walks toward the cave but is attacks by the moose) AHHH!

Duo: What took you so long?

Quatre: Oh, nothing…

Wufei: (still laughing)

Trowa:…

Duo: Hey! What's that? (Points to some writing on the wall)

It is written in a foreign language…

Heero: Quatre! You can read a bunch of languages! You read it!

Quatre: ok…I'll try…(looks at the wall) It says: Here lie the last word of the talking Penguin, let it be known that the old hag will be found in the castle OOOOOOOFFF…

Duo: OOOF?

Heero: Is that what he said?

Quatre: That's what it says! He must have gotten hit in the head when he was writing it…

Duo: Why the {censored} would he bother to write the word 'OOOF'?

Trowa: ??

There is a roar behind them…

Duo: Man somebody needs breath-mint…

Quatre: Geez…you're right…

They all turn around to find a Monster charging at them.

Duo: HOLY {censored} RUN!!

They all run until they are cornered by the beast…

Trowa: Nice monster…

Duo: uh…w-what do you want?

Monster (In a civilized voice): Just someone to talk to…

All: ???

Monster: I am the all knowing monster! I am the brother of the all knowing all doing Taco…and the brother of the all doing dragon…

Duo: Then we know your brother…

Quatre: Oh, yeah…very well…

Trowa: If you are all knowing…than what is the meaning of life?

Monster: Now if I knew the meaning of life I wouldn't be sitting in a cave in my underwear…

Heero: He has a point…

Duo: I'll say…

Monster: Well, got any other questions?

Duo: Yeah! Where can we find the Old hag?

Monster: The castle of OOOF.

All: Right…

Wufei: Well we gotta be going…

Duo: Yeah, see ya…

Heero: I guess we're off to the castle OOOF…

Duo: Yeah…if it really exists…

TO BE CONTINUED…