Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Gundam Wing in the Wild Wild West ❯ Oops, we did it again! ( Chapter 2 )

Man, you guys know me too well! At least try to act surprised.

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Chapter 2: Oops, We Did It Again

“So why is Duo still a girl?” Sally asked curiously. “I thought you said he'd change back.”

“He should have,” Quatre grumbled. “I think he's just being contrary.”

“Like any of this is under my control!” Duo exclaimed. “I was just an innocent bystander when this happened to me.”

“He can't change back now,” Roku announced calmly.

“What do you mean?” Quatre asked. “The spell should have worn off by now.”

“Well, it would have, but I think the baby is making the magic stick.”

“BABY?!” five voices shouted in unison.

“Yeah, the one in Papa Duo's tummy. I think it's a girl.”

“WHAT?!” Duo lost all color in his face. “Please, please tell me you're making that up.”

Roku shook his head slowly.

“That's what you get for being such a slut, Duo,” Zechs said. “You should have been practicing safe sex.”

“But… but…” Duo sank to his knees. “I only did it…”

“About a thousand times in the past few weeks,” Wu-Fei interjected. “Which means any of us could be the father.”

“Or all of us,” Quatre said and he looked rather pointedly at Roku.

Sally leaned forward. “Do you think the same recombinant reproduction might have happened again? The odds are pretty long on that.”

“I would have said the same thing about Duo hitting that damn planet that got us into this mess in the first place.”

“I did not hit the giant planet!” Duo grated.

“Whatever. Anyway, if Duo's having a baby, maybe we should slip town for a couple of months, virtually speaking.”

“Again?” Noin growled. “You guys spend more time off Mars than on it working. This is getting ridiculous. I think you all need to start keeping it in your pants a little bit more.”

“It's his fault!” Duo wailed and he pointed a shaking finger at Quatre. “If he would just learn to control his temper and quit spouting Latin every ten minutes, this wouldn't have happened!”

“Now, Noin,” Sally said soothingly, “it's not really their fault. And their absences have not caused us any difficulties since the last few occurred overnight.”

“That's not much of an excuse. What if something happens to them on one of these trips?”

“I doubt it could be much worse than what happens to us here,” Treize said. “But the fact remains, Quatre is right. We need to disappear until after Duo has his baby and returns to being a man.”

“I don't want to be a girl anymore,” Duo pouted with tears in his eyes.

“But it's nice being a girl.” Alexa patted him on the hand. “And I think you make a pretty girl, Uncle Duo. I bet you'll make a good mommy.”

“I appreciate the thought, Alexa, but I don't think I'm cut out to be a mommy.”

“You are right now,” Wu-Fei noted wickedly.

“You're so cruel!”

“Where should we go?” Trowa spoke up. “Anyone have any ideas?”

“I want to go someplace where I can fight,” Heero growled. “All this peace and prosperity has my nerves on edge. I need to shoot something.”

“How about the American Old West?” Treize suggested. “Historians refer to that time as being governed by `The Way of the Gun'.” I daresay Heero would have lots of opportunities to shoot people and no one would think anything of it.”

“That's a very thoughtful suggestion, Treize,” Heero remarked.

“I think Heero almost smiled!” Sally snickered.

“Wasn't the Old West kind of dangerous?” Noin asked. “You might get hurt.”

“We'll be fine.” Quatre clapped his hands together. “Let's get to work. Everyone start gathering up what we'll need. I think we can just take the usual stuff. Zechs: you, Alexa and Treize don't need to go with us this time.”

“I wouldn't miss it,” Zechs purred. “I haven't been on horseback since I was a boy.”

Alexa hopped up and down. “Can I learn to ride a pony, too?”

“Of course, dear. I'll teach you.”

“Goody!”

So, with the decision made, everyone got busy getting ready for their trip. Noin flounced off in a huff.

“I'll calm her down,” Sally said, somewhat apologetically.

“Find her a boyfriend,” Trowa suggested.

Sally grinned. “I'll see what I can do.” She hurried after Noin.

“Well, let's get this show on the road,” Quatre said. “Daylight's wasting, as they say.” When everything was ready, they gathered together in the middle of the living room. “Stay close, everyone!” Quatre held up the spell book. “Take us to the American Old West, circa 1870AD.” He opened his book and read the spell.

The world shifted and went dark. There was a loud crashing sound.

“Dammit!” Heero shouted.

“Why is it dark?” Wu-Fei demanded. He quickly stifled a sneeze. “And dusty!”

“There's something jammed into my back,” Zechs growled.

“Mine, too,” added Treize.

“We're in a little room,” Roku said. “It's full of crates and has shelves on the walls.”

Suddenly, bright light enveloped them. “What the hell are you doing in my storeroom?” A balding man in a white apron stared at them in astonishment from an open doorway.

As usual, Treize was the first to recover his dignity. “Your storeroom?”

“Yeah, my storeroom. In the back of my general store.”

“Hey, where's Duo?” Heero said suddenly. “He was standing right next to me. There's a wall there now.”

The shopkeeper reached nervously for a broom that was leaning against the wall inside the door. “I said: what the hell are you doing in my storeroom?”

“Yeah, we heard you!” Heero snapped. He glared at Quatre. “I'd like to know what the hell we're doing in here, too!”

“I don't know! I didn't say anything about dropping us inside some damn store!”

Gunshots rang out on the other side of the wall and the shopkeeper dropped to the ground like a felled ox. “Get down, quick!” He covered his head with his arms.

“What the hell is that?” Wu-Fei demanded. “What's on the other side of this wall?”

“It's the bank!” the shopkeeper shouted. “It must be a bank robbery!”

“A bank robbery?!” Heero and Wu-Fei exchanged a look. “Duo's on the other side of that wall!” As one, they dashed for the door and leaped over the startled shopkeeper's back.

“Heero! Wu-Fei! Wait!” Quatre shouted. He raced after them with Trowa, Roku and Hadeya on his heels. Zechs scooped up Alexa and dashed after them with Treize at his side. They sprinted outside just in time to see half a dozen men race out of the neighboring building and leap onto the backs of their waiting horses.

“It's Duo!” Heero shouted. He pointed to where one of the fleeing bank robbers had a semi-conscious Duo draped over one shoulder. Unfortunately, his shout drew the robbers' attention. Suddenly, guns were pointed in their direction. “Shit!”

Heero and Wu-Fei dove for the shelter of a nearby horse trough as bullets began to fly. Everyone else scrambled back into the store.

“They're getting away with Papa Duo!”

“Stay inside, Roku!” Quatre shouted. “They're shooting at us!”

The shooting stopped as the sound of the horses hooves faded.

Heero jumped to his feet. “Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! We need to go after them!”

“With what?” Quatre said sharply. “Think, Heero. We need weapons and horses. We also need information. Let's check the bank. Someone in there may know something. We need to find out why they took Duo hostage.”

“Maybe they'll dump him outside of town if they make a clean getaway,” Treize said.

“Yeah!” Heero said. “I'll go check!” He dashed off down the street.

“Trowa, go with him!” Quatre ordered.

“I'll go,” Wu-Fei volunteered.

“No, I don't need you and Heero running loose through the town. Let's not start killing people until we know what's going on.”

“Right!” Trowa raced off after Heero.

“Let's go!” Quatre led the way to the bank at a trot. Inside, the bank was in turmoil.

“Where's the sheriff?” A woman cried shrilly as they entered.

“What happened?” Quatre demanded.

“The bank was robbed!” said a plump man in a suit. “My bank!” he reiterated angrily. “Damned outlaws!”

“Do you know who they were?”

“It was Luke Scorby's gang, that's who!” the bank manager cried angrily. “That's the third time they've robbed this bank. By god, if the sheriff doesn't catch `em this time, I'll have that man's badge and his head!”

“Is it common for this Luke Scorby to take hostages?” Treize asked.

“Hostages? What do you mean?”

“We saw them leave with a woman hostage.”

“Oh, her! She just appeared out of nowhere as Scorby and his men came busting in. She got in the way so they grabbed her. Or maybe she was one of `em. Who knows? Anyway, where's the damn sheriff? We need a posse!” The bank manager stormed past them and out of the bank.

“This isn't good,” Quatre whispered to the others. “A posse may shoot first and ask questions later. We can't have Duo getting caught in the middle of that.”

They hurried outside to find several men already gathering in the street. In the middle of the road, the bank manager stood chest to chest with a burly looking man with a full beard and a ten gallon hat on his head.

“You better hang `em this time, Sheriff!” the bank manager was shouting. “And I want my money back!”

“You'll get it!” the sheriff growled. “Now get outta my face so I can get this posse movin'!” He shoved past the banker and waved his arms. “Mount up! We got us some bank robbers to hang!”

“That's not good,” Zechs said. “Such a group is unlikely to distinguish between Duo and the legitimate outlaws. We'd better hurry.”

“Roku, give me some gold coins. Treize, you and Hadeya go find Heero and Trowa. The rest of you come with me. There should be a stable in town where we can buy some horses. And we should be able to buy guns in that general store we were just in.”

“Welcome to the wild, wild west, gentlemen.” Treize offered them a worried grin as he and Hadeya hurried off in search of Heero and Trowa.

Duo came to his senses draped over the back of a galloping horse with a saddle horn jammed into his side. “Well, this is pretty fucked,” he muttered. He craned his head around to look at his captor. Frizzy blond hair, missing teeth and a sunburned complexion were the main impression. “Hey you!” Duo croaked. “Unless you want me barfing all over your boots, you'll let me go right here.”

“Don't be like that, pretty lady!” the outlaw shouted. “It's fate! I just got me enough dough to buy a nice ranch and now I got me a pretty wife too! Thing's is lookin' up! Yee haw!”

“Wife? Oh, crap!” Duo barfed all over the outlaw's boot.

“Dang! What did you go and do that for?”

“I'm pregnant, you asshole! You can't treat an expectant mother like this!”

“Pregnant? You married already?”

“Well… um… I'm involved. And my boyfriend's gonna shoot your ass off! Let me down right now!”

“If you ain't married, you can still marry me. Good enough. Now shut up. We got just a little ways further to go to get to our hideout.” The outlaw grabbed Duo by the hair and jammed his face down.

“Son of a bitch!” Duo kicked his feet and flailed his fists to no avail.

After a long uncomfortable ride, the outlaws slowed to a trot and wound their way along a dusty trail between the steep walls of a narrow ravine. They came out in a small box canyon with a ramshackle cabin at the back. They stopped and Duo was shoved rather unceremoniously off of the horse. He fell on his butt.

“I'm gonna kick your ass!” Duo jumped to his feet but was immediately grabbed from behind.

“Luke!” one of the outlaws shouted. “We don't need no damn woman! You start thinking with your dick and we'll all get hanged!”

“This is my new wife!” Luke announced with a wide smile. “You treat her nice!” He grabbed Duo roughly by the arm and dragged him toward the cabin. “Let's go get acquainted!” He leered at Duo.

Duo dug his heels in. “No way! You can't do it with a pregnant lady! It'll… It'll make you impotent!”

Luke stopped and his face paled under his sunburn. “That ain't true!” he protested doubtfully.

“That's what I heard,” Duo said quickly. “You want to risk it?”

The other outlaws shifted nervously. “I heard that once, too, Luke,” one of them spoke up.

“Yeah, it shrivels up all small,” said another.

Duo blinked at them in consternation.

Luke hesitated. “Well, I guess I can wait. You won't be pregnant forever. And hey!” he brightened suddenly. “If it's a boy, I can start right off with a son. I've always wanted a son.”

“What if it's a girl, Luke?”

“I'll sell her to the Cheyenne. They're always ready to adopt stray brats.”

“You're not selling my baby!” Duo growled.

“Shut up and get inside!” Luke grabbed Duo's arm and shoved him toward the cabin. “You better behave or I'll sell you to the Cheyenne.”

Everyone crowded into the little cabin and Duo promptly threw up again. “Geez, didn't anyone ever tell you assholes the privy is outside?” he groaned. “It reeks in here!”

“It sure does now!” one of the outlaws exclaimed. “I'll get some water.” He went back outside.

Duo stumbled into a corner and hunched over. “I need food. Right now or I'll barf again!”

“She's your problem, Luke! You feed her!” The other outlaws settled on the other side of the room and began counting the loot.

“Women sure are a lot of trouble!” Luke muttered. He rummaged through a saddlebag and tossed a pouch at Duo. “Eat that and shut up.” He joined the other outlaws.

The pouch contained moldy bread and cheese. “This sucks!” Duo grumbled, but he ate the food anyway.

Back in town, the Gundam pilots met up outside the stable, where Quatre had procured them several horses. Zechs had purchased guns and holsters for everyone except Treize and Wu-Fei, who preferred their swords, and the children. Roku was disappointed.

“I'm being a human! I can wear a gun!”

“You don't need a gun,” Quatre said sternly. “And I better not find you with one shoved in your storage space later, either.”

“Aw, man!”

“Let's go!” Heero snarled. “That posse has a good half-hour head start on us.”

They thundered out of town, hot on the posse's trail. Initially, it was clear the posse knew where they were going, but then the trail led into tight canyons with rocky bottoms and there were signs that the posse had stopped several times to decide which way to go. They finally came to a spot where the path split three ways to follow three different ravines.

“Can you tell which way the posse went, Roku?”

“That way.” Roku pointed at the left-hand canyon. “But I think the outlaws went this way.” He pointed to the middle canyon. “There are a lot of smells, but I think I can smell Papa Duo.”

“Better than a native tracker,” Heero muttered. He kicked his horse into motion and galloped into the middle canyon.

“It's kind of cute how worried Heero is,” Trowa remarked.

“Duo is carrying his baby,” Treize pointed out.

“That's true. I hope Duo's not taking unnecessary risks.”

They continued up the canyon, led by Roku's nose through the various twists and turns until Roku abruptly stopped.

“I smell horses.”

“They must be just up ahead.” Heero quickly dismounted. “I'll scout ahead.” He slipped off up the canyon. The others dismounted to wait. Heero returned quickly. “Cocky bastards! No one's standing guard, but they have a clear view of the canyon mouth. We can't sneak up on them.”

“Can we drop down on them from above?” Quatre asked.

Heero grinned. “If we could fly.”

Quatre grinned back. “You think they'd be ready for a dragon attack?”

“Not likely.”

Quatre turned to Roku. “Don't start any large fires until Duo's safe.”

“Yes, Mama!” Roku shimmered into a large orange and black dragon and swooped up into the sky.

“Hadeya, guard Alexa please,” Zechs said as he calmly drew his gun.

Hadeya put a protective arm around Alexa's shoulders as the group marched purposefully up the canyon. Overhead, Roku skimmed over the ravine walls and plunged into the box canyon, roaring at the top of his lungs. The outlaws' horses bolted in terror, charging down the ravine and sweeping the Gundam pilots' horses along with them. Hadeya just had time to grab Alexa and dive out of the way of the stampede.

Shouts of fear echoed from the little cabin and a hail of bullets rattled against Roku's scales. He retaliated by shooting flame at the cabin, but stopped just short of setting the building on fire.

“Surrender or I'll roast you alive!” Roku roared. “Throw out your guns!”

There was a moment of terrified silence and then several pistols flew out the windows to land in the dirt at Roku's feet.

“Hold up, Monster!” a shaking voice cried. “We give up!”

The Gundam pilots hurried up on either side of Roku, ducking under his flared wings.

“Good work, Roku,” Quatre said. “Could you please go herd the horses back into the canyon now? You scared them half way back to town.”

“Oops! Sorry.” Roku leaped into the air and flew away.

Quatre walked forward. “Come out of there or I'll bring the monster back!”

Seven terrified men issued from the cabin, followed by a disgruntled Duo.

“Took you guys long enough!” Duo complained.

“Are you all right?” Heero asked. There might have been a hint of worry in his voice.

Duo grinned. “I'm good, if a little banged up. These brutes have no idea how to treat a lady in my condition.” He pointed at Luke. “This fellow here was fixing to make me his bride.”

“Oh really?” Heero glowered at Luke. He pointed his gun at Luke's face. “Did he try something?”

Luke paled. “Now hold on there, mister! I didn't do nothin'!”

“Except mangle the English language,” Zechs murmured.

“There's money in the cabin!” Luke said quickly. “It's yours! Take it! Just don't shoot!”

“I could shoot you and still take the money,” Heero pointed out.

Luke stammered in momentary confusion as he worked that out. “Now wait a minute…!”

“It's was Luke's idea to take the woman!” one of the other outlaws exclaimed. “Why don't you shoot him, take the money and call it even?” The other outlaws all nodded vigorously.

Luke flushed at this abrupt betrayal by his colleagues. “You damn bastards! You can't turn on me!”

“A man's gotta look after his own hide, Luke.”

The horses suddenly charged back into the canyon, whinnying in terror. Roku, in tiger form, raved along behind them nipping at their heels.

“Mama, the posse's coming!”

“Oh, great!” Quatre exclaimed. “That's just what I need.”

“You in the canyon!” a distant voice rang out. “You're trapped! There's no way out! You got two choices! Come out quietly and we'll hang you all nice and friendly-like, or we can do it the hard way! You got five minutes to make up your minds!”

“This is all your fault, Duo!” Wu-Fei exclaimed.

“My fault?! How is this my fault? I got kidnapped, for crying out loud!”

“Because when something bad happens, it's usually your fault.”

“I get no respect! That's the last time I let you knock me up.”