Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ In The Mind Of A Princess ❯ Chapter 3 ( Chapter 3 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

In The Mind Of A Princess: Part 3

By Sio-san


A.N.: Yes…I know many of you want the lemon and I'm getting there. There will be ones in the later chapters but for now, things are kinda slow J
***

Relena glanced at her alarm, as she lay curled up on her bed. The time read ten A.M. Still, she didn't want to move from the safe haven of her bed. Her eyes felt swollen from her break down the night before. It had been a luxury she shouldn't have allowed. It was one that she refused to allow again. She didn't have time to cry, to allow herself to feel, not anymore. She, more than anyone, knew that the time to be young was gone. It had been over the moment she had stepped into the palace. Since the moment she realized just how important her new responsibilities were.

No longer could she cry, no longer could she mourn. Her life had put her in a position where she wasn't important anymore, but where everything else was.

Gods, how she just wished that perhaps just once, she could live another life. That she had been born a different person. A person with a so-called normal life who was allowed to love, feel, and be. No longer did she have the freedom she yearned for. Her life was constant meetings and interviews and paperwork. She lived for the world, for everyone but herself.

She cursed herself for breaking down. Once again, she chided herself for showing weakness. She wasn't a little girl anymore; she wasn't that stupid naïve fifteen year old that was no longer part of her. She was a grown woman of twenty years that had seen more in her life than most people three times her age.

She had seen what hatred could do. She had seen how powerful it could be. She had seen the inside of a war that had almost destroyed everything she knew. It had destroyed lives, spirits, and dreams.

Here she was forced to run a Pacifist country, when even she knew that war was not always unavoidable. As they say, history often repeats itself. It had in the past, and one day it would again. Pacifistic teachings and upbringing may help for now, but someday, some one was going to snap, some one would break the chain and they would have to start at the beginning all over again.

Turning onto her back, Relena stared at the ceiling, trying to remember exactly when her life had begun to feel this empty. Exactly when she had begun to feel, that what she did was all for nothing.

***

Heero stared at Relena, once again using his camera's for the inside view of her life. It was late in the morning and still she wouldn't move from her bed. He could see her face and yet all he saw was a blank look, her eyes held none of her thoughts.

She was becoming more like him everyday.

He blamed himself. He knew a lot of it might be his fault. He had crossed a line yesterday. A dangerous line he shouldn't have tampered with. He had let his emotions run away. He had scared the shit out of her, in turn scaring himself with just how powerful emotions could be. He realized the "lesson" as he had called it, had been unnecessary and un-called for. But he had been shaken. Shaken with the thoughts of what that man might have done to her had he not been there.

It disgusted him that he had lost control. He was Heero Yuy, he never lost control. Or at least, that's what he kept trying to tell himself.

He was in a battle now. In a battle with himself, as the antagonist and protagonist. With his heart, soul, and upbringing. He had been raised since youth, to be the perfect soldier. To not feel anything, not emotion, not pain. So far, his upbringing was winning, if you could call it that, but slowly, what other's referred to as heart and soul, were slipping in through the walls. They were slipping into his control and slowly chipping it away.

He had never meant to do that to Relena the night before. He had always known he could never touch her. She was forever forbidden. Why, he didn't know, but it's what his instincts had told him. Yet the day before he had felt her warmth, felt her body and lips, and he had tasted her fear. Her fear was what bothered him the most.

She should fear him, she was meant to, yet a part of him didn't want her to. A part of him had wanted her to respond, to feel desire for him. Yet even now he knew that would have been impossible. He had hurt her, taken out his anger on her and for that he couldn't forgive himself. As unfeeling as he was made to be, he refused to ever hurt some one unnecessary. He had a duty to uphold justice and to protect the innocent.

Yesterday, he had failed. But even now, he realized there wasn't much innocence left in Relena. It had been driven away as her life took over. And he had, perhaps, scared away some of the last there had been.

Again he cursed himself for the weakness that had slipped through.

He knew better than anyone that he couldn't touch her. Yet he had. It was still bothering him. All morning it had been on his mind.

The worst part being that he wanted to touch her again. That he wanted to hold her again, but this time without the fear. He wanted to see her eyes smoked with desire, he wanted her responding to him with a passion to equal his own.

That was the problem, he wanted.

***

Relena finally dragged herself from bed. She knew it was time. It was beyond time. If she didn't hurry, her brother would come for her because he would want to make sure she wasn't working or anything. This forced vacation sucked beyond belief.

Walking across the room she sat at her desk. Once again she had succumbed to the temptation to poor herself out to the tape recorder.

"I'm doing it again," she started. "I'm talking to this thing again. It's not as if it can help me. Nothing can change the way things are. This is my life, the path I've chosen. I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it. There's nothing I or anyone else can do about that. I know I'm miserable, but feeling that way is weak. I can see Wufei now. He may have mellowed but he still rants. He'd be saying I' am weak for letting my emotions show through. That, I cannot afford them in my job. He's right too. If I show even the slightest bit of weakness, it would be as if vultures would swarm in. That's what those other politics are, vultures. It's what we've all become. We find any weakness we can and then we attack. It's the only way we can live, the only way we can survive. It's sick, is what it is. It's a disgusting way of living. We prey. It makes me want to puke at times just thinking about it."

"I went out yesterday, I walked around the kingdom in a disguise so no one would recognize me. It was so strange, like another world. Everything was so different compared to what I've been brought up to see as the world I live in. It was dusty and dirty, yes, but it had an air of freedom. It felt so different there; I was in a world I had never known existed. I liked it."

"This nice man running one of the street stands gave me a necklace. A beautiful necklace that had a rose charm on the end. I'm wearing it right now; it feels right, it was a gift given to me out of the kindness of some one I had never met before. I've never known anyone like him. He was so jolly and happy. As though, even though he's not on the top, he's happy with the life style he has. He's happy being a plain old man in the working class world. I've never seen anything like it. Most people I know do what they do because it is expected of them and yet they are miserable doing it. He was like a breath of fresh air."

"He told me about the kingdom. About the parts I never knew about. And he directed me to this bar. I had never been in one before and I decided to go, I wanted to. I wanted to see what it was like, how other people spent their time. What it was like on the so-called other side of the tracks. People were drinking, and it reeked. It smelled of something so unfamiliar. It was kind of scary. Yet I still went in there, I continued on and took a chance. Then this guy, Chuck, came up to me. He smelled of beer, and he manipulated me into accepting a drink from him."

"It seems like it got a little out of hand. It was just on drink, and then one more, just one more. Who knows how many I actually had. Then I started to feel funny, I had never been drunk before. So I went to the bathroom. I was just a tad dizzy and I wanted to freshen myself up before I finished my drink with chuck and went home. Yet I walked back out and Heero was there. He was 'dealing' with chuck for slipping me a drug. It scared me. I had never known some one could do that. I had trusted him and then he had tried to do that to me. At first I had been angry with Heero, but then at Chuck for betraying me. Then I was just scared."

"Heero dragged me out of there, he carried me home. I felt so useless. I felt like I was in such a daze. I was numb. He dropped me in here and I just weakly slumped to the floor. Like some kind of idiot! Gods, how naïve I can somehow manage to still be sometimes! The weird thing was, was that he was angry. Heero never got angry. He was too in control. He had the kind of hold on his emotions I wish I had. I wish I could be more like him. Then I wouldn't have to feel the pain and dread I do now. I wouldn't have to feel like a failure or be miserable. He was angry though, for the first time in his life something in him had slipped. I almost thought he would actually kill me this time. Perhaps I kind of wanted it."

"He just stood there above me, looking so angry, and then he had begun ranting. Everything was so mixed up it was kind of a blur. Then he grabbed me and then his lips were bruising mine. He touched me. For the first time he touched in a way far from platonic. Yet he was rough and cruel. He bruised my breasts, and rubbed against me in a kind of crazed way. I was so scared and then stupid me broke down. I just cried."

"Finally he dropped me." Relena paused. It felt so weird to let it all out. "He let me fall. He warned me again, but with a surprised look to him. As though he couldn't believe either what he had done. And I just cried. I just broke. I lost the control I had worked so hard to gain. Yet it's never going to happen again. I can't allow it to."

"I keep getting chills every time I remember his hands on me. It had hurt, hurt to know that he could be so cruel. I had never really felt the pain that some one could inflict on some one like that, but now I know. More than ever, I now wish I never had. I don't like knowing that I can be made to feel that defenseless. It makes my skin crawl."

"I just can't help wishing he had been touching me because he had wanted to, touching me in a way where fear had no place. For years he's fascinated me. I thought I had gotten over it. In a way, I had begun to hate him for being what I could never be. Now, all those feelings of awe, of longing and need are almost coming back. They seem stuck in my subconscious. But it can never be. He won't let it happen, and I can't let it happen. I can't let anyone have that kind of control over me, never again. It happened once when they used me to win over the world, one of those many times I was used. I've learned my lesson now. I'm my own person and I must stay that way. The first times, it had been fear they used to control me, for Heero, it's like some sexual hunger."

"It bothers me that he has that kind of power over me. It's a different kind of control, one that I can't let take over. I'll never be vulnerable again. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel. He can stay the Perfect Soldier and I always remember that I am no longer young and stupid. I'm older and wiser and will never set myself up to be used again."

***

She finally left her room. He watched her leave. He was always watching her. Always knowing what went on in her outer existence, but now it was different. He knew her inner world. He knew how she felt, how she dealt with things, he knew exactly what she was becoming.

She was becoming another perfect being as some one world it, an emotionless shell, and he couldn't stop it.

He didn't know how.

He had always been the perfect soldier, never anything else. He constantly reminded himself of that. Yet he found he couldn't allow another person to become what he was. If he allowed that to happen, he would have failed in the worse way. He would have completely killed the innocence he had promised to protect. He was a bodyguard for the body, but he had never thought that also meant you had to protect the mind. You had to preserve it all, or it was all for nothing.

Relena had been chosen as a figurehead for her innocence. She had been a breath of fresh air, a new beginning to desperate people. She had been full of life and love. There had been a time where you could have looked at her and could have seen that she loved what she did. In her eyes had been a light that shown brighter than any other. She had been full of ideas, full of hope. That had been what she had represented, hope and new beginnings. Yet under all that she had at first been manipulated. Time and time again she had been used to bring power to one person or another but finally it had stopped. She had become her own person and he had thought everything would be fine now.

Little had he known, that for her to be strong enough to survive in a world of hunters, she would have to forsake herself, everything that she had once been.

Little by little it had all begun to die.

Desperately, Heero wanted the old her back.

No longer would you see her wish on a star, or pray for hope. No longer would she call out his name when she needed a friend, when she needed salvation. No longer would she look to him when she was in pain and wanted everything to end. He was nothing to her now, nothing but a hunger as she had worded it.

"Damn," he muttered. Needing to voice something, if nothing but frustration.

He leaned back and closed his eyes, and he remembered. Memories flew in front of his closed eyes, the good and bad.

He remembered Duo, one of the few people he could call a friend. Duo was the best example of what life should be he could think of. He was married to a miracle of a lady and had three gorgeous children. He was no longer the deity he had claimed to be, but a happy family man. Duo had always tried to make him laugh yet the last time they spoke had been a few weeks ago and it had ended in anger. Duo had taken him aside to talk, wanting to know how life was treating him. Heero remembered just shrugging and telling him it was always the same.

"You mean you haven't gotten her yet?" Duo asked with a smirk.

"What are you talking about?"

"Relena! You guys have been dodging each other for years. Why hasn't anything happened yet?"

Heero stared blankly at Duo. "There is nothing between the princess and I"

"Yeah right, and I have a stick shoved up my ass. Open up buddy. You two were made for each other. I've watched you two for five years, always avoiding. Haven't you noticed how she's changed? She's become so cold, and you don't seem to give a damn. What's wrong with you man? That girl needs you," Duo told him.

"Relena will do what she wants. It is none of my concern how she acts. I just have to keep her alive. "

"God, you still are one cold son of a bitch. You're lonely now and if you keep it up, you're going to die that way. Leaving behind a cold and lonely princess and a world that will no longer remember Heero Yuy. You're giving away the chance of a lifetime you idiot! Act human! The professor may have dictated your life at one time but no more! Let it go! The cold and uncaring act is getting old," Duo stated firmly and then smirked. "Then again, I guess the perfect soldier can't be human, or at least that what he thinks."

Duo then turned on his heals and left Heero staring after him.

Had he been right? Do I have a chance? Can I be human again? It all depended on how much Heero was willing to risk. He didn't know if he could throw his life to the wind and allow himself to feel. He didn't know how to be vulnerable. He didn't know how to change. Yet it seemed he may have to. As though life was forcing him to make this choice because he knew something very important depended on his decision.

The princess, his choice would affect her.

It all depended on whether or not he was willing to save himself to save her too.

***

Relena again paced her floor. Gods, she was bored! She wanted to go back to the streets where she had met the kind stranger, but wasn't willing to risk a run in with Heero again. So instead, she was pacing in her brother's study waiting for him to get back from the conference so she could beg for her job back.

Yes, this princess was at the point where she was desperate enough to beg. Only her second day and after hours spent in bed this morning and a long discussion with a hunk of plastic she had decided she needed her job back. She couldn't stand being so bored, so useless.

So, she just continued to pace and finally she heard her brother's foot steps in the hallway.

Standing at the door she, she prepared to greet her brother and finally he opened the door and entered. He acknowledged her presence with a nod and then continued on to his desk and sat down.

Relena, deciding for the direct approach, braced her hand on the opposite side of her desk and leaned down till they were face to face. "Brother, as much as I love and respect you…I demand my job back!"

Zechs just grinned. "Nope."

"What do you mean 'nope,' how can you deny me?"

"Easy, you're finally beginning to look healthier. You still have circles under your eyes but you've gained some weight. You're finally taking the time you need and I refuse to back down."

Relena threw up her arms in frustration. "How can you do this? I'm beyond bored! I want to go back to work, at least them I was doing something other than twiddling my fingers for hours on end."

"Too bad little sister. Doctor's orders, remember?" Zechs said.

"I don't give a flying fuck!"

Zechs shook his head. "Where in heaven did you learn such language?"

"From Duo, who else? Now just give me back my job!"

Zechs ignored her and began typing. She tried top get his attention but he wouldn't remove his eyes from the screen of his computer. Finally she just gave up and left the room.

Going back to her room she headed straight for her closet. She grabbed an old skirt and blouse and once again dressed in disguise. She couldn't stand being here any longer. She climbed over the balcony and climbed down till she reached the ground and then slowly began making her way to the streets.

***

Heero watched her rush into her room angrily and wondered what had pissed her off. The next thing he saw was her rummaging through her closet and he knew at once what she was planning to do.

She quickly stripped to her bra and panties and then shimmied into the old skirt and blouse. They were slightly tight considering she hadn't worn them since she was fifteen but they worked. He continued to watch as she threw her hair into a ponytail and then slipped on a pair of sunglasses, once again becoming a different person.

He saw her climb down through the balcony and knew he had to stop her. He refused to let her go, and if she did anyways, he would follow behind and protect her just like he always had done. Only this time he didn't plan on letting her leave the palace grounds.

Due to people leaving the palace from the conference, security would be everywhere and it would take at least an hour to sneak out. This meant he had plenty of time to prepare for the worst because he had a feeling this wasn't going to be good.

Leaving his room he walked to Zechs' office and, as usual, he entered with out knocking.

Zechs raised his eyes from the computer and grinned in greeting. "Hello Yuy."

"Why is Relena angry?"

"Ah, so you saw she was in a bit of a temper, eh? Well, she wanted her job back. She just can't get it till the rest of the two weeks is over."

Heero nodded in understanding. So that's what had happened. She had gone to her brother in hopes of his backing down.

Leaving the office he then continued on outside.

***

Relena watched all the Limo's slowly leaving the palace and cursed her luck. With all the extra security, it would take even longer to leave yet she just wanted out of here. On the streets she felt free, and right now, she needed a little of that.

Sitting down behind one of the tall bushes, she contemplated her choices and then came to the conclusion that her outing was better left to another day. It would be dark soon anyways.

Standing up, she brushed herself off and then turned back toward the palace. Then an all to familiar voice stopped her dead in her tracks.

"Just where do you think you're going Relena?"

She had been caught once again by the one person she wanted to avoid more than any other at this god-forsaken moment. Damn and double damn.

***

T.B.C.