Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Inner Torment ❯ By Myself ( Chapter 3 )

By Myself

lyrics: LINKIN PARK

story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!!! Except for Richard Morii, Delegate Patterson and Delegate Vaughn. Please ask to borrow should you wish to. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will probably not get you very far in the courtroom anyway.

//What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide my pride/from these bad dreams

And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?//

Relena shut her eyes tightly, trying to refrain herself from making a scene. She knew exactly what the delegates and representatives where whispering about. She opened her eyes to find many of them still whispering behind the back of their hands, eyes fixated on her.

The meeting was almost over and they were still whispering about the same subject since the beginning of the meeting. Her.

"---she is so young still----"

"-----inexperienced still----"

"------stress is already getting to her---"

"----should resign from her post-----"

"---before she makes a mistake, yes----"

Relena clenched her fists in her lap as she caught these small phrases. Perhaps they were right. Should she give her post to someone more qualified? Before she made a mistake she would regret?

//Do I/sit here and try to stand it?

Or do/I try to catch them red-handed?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?//

"Miss Relena, it has come to the attention of this meeting that your recent...distress could pose a hindrance to your judgment," announced Delegate Patterson.

Relena looked at the elderly man calmly, waiting to hear any arguments or agreements from the other occupants of the room.

"And therefore I move for a vote of nonconfidence. Meaning a new Vice Foreign Minister should be elected."

Relena stared at him in disbelief; had she heard him correctly? Did he just announce that he wanted her to step down?

"What? That is absurd Patterson! Miss Relena is a fine young woman who has been promoting peace since she was fifteen!" Representative Wayridge stated. "I do not support you in this move."

Relena turned her attention to Marquis Wayridge, her grandfather. He had become a representative ever since the War had ended, always supporting her and providing advice. She smiled at him slightly, noting that others stood in agreement with him.

"She worked under the former Romefeller Foundation!" Patterson countered.

"But she promoted peace the whole time!" Delegate Vaughn answered. "Patterson, are you hoping to assume the post of Vice Foreign Minister should Miss Relena be voted unfit?"

Patterson sputtered and Relena watched wide-eyed as she realized that that was exactly what the delegate had been hoping for. She shook her head in disbelief; she had trusted him, and those who stood in his favor...

//Because I can't hold on/when I'm stretched so thin

I make the right moves but I'm lost within

I put on my daily facade but then

I just end up getting hurt again

By myself [myself]

I ask why, but in mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

"As law dictates, Delegate Patterson, this move of nonconfidence will be taken to the Unified Nations Council," Relena said, gritting her teeth and praying that the Council would allow her to retain her post. There was so much she could do still and her words alone had an extreme influence on the people. Her alone could do so much. By myself, she thought with great pain in her chest. Heero...

"In the meantime, I still hold the post of Vice Foreign Minister. And currently, we have a situation on our hands on colony L6-R54692. I have still not heard a reasonable argument."

"But Vice Foreign Minister--" one of the representatives of Earth began but Relena shook her head, cutting him off.

"I have thought this situation over and have established another option. When the UNC meets again, I will submit a request for the protection of all citizens' rights to be reinforced. Those who are from earth have the right to live on the colonies, as do colonists have the right to live on earth."

Relena's gaze drifted to her grandfather and her eyes pleaded with him for his support for a few seconds before looking back at the other occupants.

"I support Miss Relena in this matter."

"As do I."

"And I as well."

Relena closed her eyes slightly as she heard the majority of the room agree to support her. I can't do this by myself. I....

//I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

I can't rely on myself anymore....not with the way I have been acting...

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking in//

How can I promote pacifism while I am a wreck on the inside?

//If I/turn my back I'm defenseless

And to go blindly seems senseless//

I should leave now...this sudden move of nonconfidence has made me more distressed. But if I leave...no I need time to think of my defense...don't I?

//If I hide my pride and let it all go on/then they'll

Take from me till everything is gone

If I let them go I'll be outdone

But if I try to catch them I'll be out run//

I shouldn't stay here; I should bring the meeting to a close. Patterson is just waiting for me to make a mistake and at this point I would rather have him too sure of himself than give him the satisfaction. If I stay I'll just be digging myself a deeper hole.

//If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer

Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

[By myself]//

"Miss Relena, what is your current distress?" Delegate Patterson inquired.

Relena narrowed her eyes slightly at Delegate Patterson, as the latter's eyes held a strange glint in them.

"Is it the stress of this post for you? Or perhaps you grow weary of it?"

//I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

"Delegate Patterson, you are in no position to ask such accusations!" roared Delegate Vaughn. Patterson merely waved his hand in dismissal at Vaughn.

"Well Miss Relena? Are you going to answer?"

If I answer...I have no idea what I'm going to say! I can't even rely on myself to stand up for me!

//I ask why, but in my mind

I find I can't rely on myself//

Why? Why am I like this? Why can't I support myself?

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking in//

There is no way I will be able to maintain my position of Vice Foreign Minister...not the with the way I'm in turmoil inside...

//How do you think/I've lost so much

I'm afraid/I'm out of touch

How do you expect/I will know what to do

When all I know/is what you tell me to//

"Are you afraid that your distress will be your downfall? Do you Miss Relena? You will NOT maintain your position! I swear you will not!" Delegate Patterson threatened.

"Delegate Patterson, should I hear another threat from you I will place you under Preventer custody! Is that clear?" Relena heard Preventer Richard Morii warn. She had forgotten that he was there, right behind her as he was ordered. Always present where ever she went, with the exception of her room and the ladies' room.

"Patterson," Relena began, her face expressionless and her eyes dull, "You have always claimed that you taught me everything I know. You are wrong and I must say that your recent threat has placed you in an uncomfortable situation. My distress is my own business and should it be needed as evidence, I will release the information at that time."

"How is it you have so much power?! With the flick of your wrist you could make the whole world bow before you!" Patterson accused.

//Don't you know

I can't tell you how to make it go

No matter what I do, how hard I try

I can't seem to convince myself why

I'm stuck on the outside//

"I have no power, Delegate Patterson. The public merely admires my resolve and determination, didn't you know that? It is not I who make things happen, it is the public. I am merely the person who tries to ensure their desire for true peace," Relena replied, standing to end the meeting.

//Don't you know

I can't tell you how to make it go

No matter what I do, how hard I try

I can't seem to convince myself why

I'm stuck on the outside//

I'm twenty-one yet I feel as though forty...I've never gone to college, I never finished High school...I will never know the feeling of going to prom....or graduating from High school and college...

"This meeting is now over. We have reached a decision on the situation of L6-R54692. I am now no longer available for consultations for the rest of the day," she said, her tone enforcing her finality of the statement.

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking in//

Once in the privacy of her hotel room, Relena threw herself onto her bed and pounded her fists into her pillows. Tears of frustration fell from her eyes, soaking the pillow as she buried her face into one. Why? Why was she so unstable?

"Would like something to throw to go along with the pounding?" she heard Richard joke.

"No," she groaned, hearing him move. She glanced up to find him sitting in a chair near her bed. He gave her a lopsided grin and she buried her face in her pillow to keep him from seeing her small smile. One could not help but smile when Richard Morii grinned like that.

"It will be all right Miss, really it will be," she heard him say as she began to sob into her pillow. She had worked so hard to bring peace and now she would not be able to maintain it!

"I'll be outside should you need me Miss," Richard said, "I had better leave you alone so you can get some rest."

//I can't hold on

[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]

It's all too much to take in//

I'm going to lose my position as Vice Foreign Minister...no.........I can't......

//I can't hold on

[To anything watching everything spin]

With thoughts of failure sinking//

I've failed.......I've failed the public.......I've failed maintaining the peace..................I've failed everything......

Owari (The End)

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