Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Integration ❯ Drowning ( Chapter 13 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Integration

Part 13 - Drowning

"It's all right, Duo. You're safe here. I'll make sure nothing like that ever happens to you again."

Such words, spoken with the tender sincerity he'd always known from Quatre, were like a balm to his wounded and lonely soul, and they left him feeling needy and clinging to the other man, his friend, silently hoping that he meant what he'd said, that he just wasn't offering comforting platitudes.

With Quatre's arms holding him close, Duo's need for him suddenly surged and overrode all of his senses and he clung to Quatre with a desperation he'd not experienced since the night before he was separated from Heero to began his first session towards being Integrated. The memory of he and Heero clinging to each other, their fears of their unknown future combined with the anxiety they felt about the process they were about to undergo and the love they felt for each other had consumed the both of them that night. As a result, their lovemaking had felt desperate, and he remembered it feeling like a drowning man coming up for his third and final breath of air must feel. And now the memory of that night, of those anxious feelings and emotions experienced so long ago, were back and so strong that it seemed to meld with his present, overwhelming desire for comfort and human contact.

At a slight movement from the other man to pull back, Duo reacted instinctively. "Don't let go," he whispered hoarsely, grasping desperately at Quatre's shirt while unwanted tears stubbornly leaked from behind his closed eyelids, wetting the expensive material his face was buried against. In the back of his mind, he knew he was going to feel mortified later by his show of neediness and emotion, yet he pushed those worries to the back of his mind as the two of them eased back down onto the flat couch and the soothing hands of his friend continued to rub his back and shoulders. He felt brief, comforting kisses on his cheeks, tasting his tears. Then soft lips slowly moved across his face to meet and capture his own. At first, he let the gentle kisses comfort him, then as they continued and became something more passionate and demanding, he found himself reaching for the warmth growing in the pit of his belly, a sensation that he'd almost forgotten existed. His need for this type of physical contact was like an addictive drug and suddenly he couldn't get enough. His ability to think shut down as his physical and emotional needs temporarily took over and he began to respond, his hands pulling Quatre's shirt out of the back of his trousers.

Taking that as an invitation, those blessedly warm and gentle hands touching him moved slowly, practicing caution as they slipped under his shirt and covered every inch of his back and chest. Words, unintelligible to his scrambled brain, were soft, reassuring and welcomed as they were whispered into his ear, upon his lips and against his bare skin. Duo felt lost and found at the same time while floundering blissfully under the gentle caress of his friend's hands and lips on his body.

The euphoric and confusing feelings he was blissfully drowning in suddenly came crashing down into reality when he felt deft fingers working at undoing the button and zipper of his pants. "No, Quat...don't. I can't," he gasped in a shaky voice, reigning in his need and desire to have those hands on him again.

Confused blue-green eyes studied him. "What's wrong, Duo? I swear to you that I won't hurt you." Quatre said, sincerity shining in his beautiful eyes.

"You don't understand, Quat. I... I really can't."

The fingers that had been stroking his body began to run through his auburn colored hair. "Tell me why?" the blond asked, his manner soft and patient. "I want to understand."

The calmness the other man displayed had a great calming effect on Duo, and sensing honest concern from Quatre, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You love Trowa," he said, evading the real reason.

"I have no one named Trowa in my life," the Winner heir replied in a matter of fact tone. He then sighed, his eyes searching Duo's. "But I honestly would like to get to know you. I don't know if you can sense it, but there's a... connection between us somehow. Can you feel it? I'm drawn to you, Duo, in a way that's more than physical, though I'm definitely attracted to you."

"I love Heero," Duo replied in a subdued manner.

"But that love existed years ago," the blond gently persisted. "Did you ever consider that he might be happy in his new life? That even though it wasn't a life of his choosing he might have found happiness in it?"

Quatre's logical tore him up inside. Those were a few of the very questions he'd pushed to the back of his mind since he'd first seen the pictures on the Internet of Heero as the groom and Relena, his bride. He still wasn't ready to deal with the possibility that Heero could ever love Relena more than he love him.

"Relena cheated me out of my life with Heero, out of his love. I can't let her get away with it. It isn't right," he answered, passionately angry. "Even if he did come to love her in his new life, once he gets his memories back he'll remember that he loves me and he'll hate her for what she's done." There was an undertone of hysteria in his voice and his eyes were wide as his body shook with his anger and frustration.

"Shh... I'm sorry," Quatre said, trying to sooth the distraught man. "I didn't mean to upset you. But Heero's not here, and after you examine the situation you might see he's better off where he is. If you free him from the Integration, won't you both spend the remainder of your lives running from the authorities, hiding your identities to keep from being recognized and captured?"

"You taking up the job as devil's advocate?" Duo asked sourly.

"Maybe, but I prefer to think of it as looking at all sides of a situation."

There was a moment of silence between the two men as Quatre studied the troubled face in front of him and brushed his fingertips across Duo's cheek.

"There's another reason why I can't go further," Duo confessed, and seeing the flicker of desire still lingering in the blond's eyes he turned his head to avoid the other man's gaze. He felt his face beginning to flame, but not with the shade of passion which had been there five minutes ago, but rather the tint of embarrassment and shame he felt. "I haven't been able to..." He couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud, his humiliation ran too deep. "You gotta understand," he began again, "that I was in a twisted relationship where I was raped for coming home late from work and beaten for things I did or didn't say by a man who called himself my lover. I haven't been able to..." He stopped yet again and silently pleaded with his eyes for his friend to understand what he couldn't seem to say.

A small, sad smile of understanding came to Quatre's handsome face. "You haven't been able to enjoy a sexual experience since?" he guessed.

Averting his gaze, Duo answered. "Since after the first couple of incidents, about three years ago."

Several contemplating moments passed before the two men, strangers and yet not, realized they'd been more open with each other than they had been with anyone else in years. They both paused to assess the situation and then Quatre said, "I think that I might be able to help you. Will you trust me, Duo?" The blond took the other man's hand and held it between his own, studying it for a moment before bringing it to his lips and placing his lips on the top of his knuckles.

"I think I've already proved that I do trust you just by telling you what I have tonight," Duo replied solemnly, though he felt his blood and skin heating up again.

The blond lifted his head. "Then let me try to make this happen for you. We'll go slow, and if you feel uncomfortable or even unaffected, I swear to you that I'll stop."

"That's hardly fair to you, Quat. Besides, why would you want to do that for me? You don't even know me." Duo protested with a frown.

"Let me tell you something about myself, Duo. I'm not the person you remember." Quatre let go of the hand he was holding and combed his fingers through his own golden hair, looking a bit agitated. Then easing himself onto his back, he stared unseeing up at the crystal chandelier above him as he began to speak again. "My memories of my early teenage years are sketchy with gaping holes in it, but shortly after the well-publicized Barton/Mariemaia attempted coup, I found myself attending the University of London trying to figure out who I was." He breathed in a deep breath, held it a moment, then let it out slowly, formulating how to say what needed to be said. "I was angry and frustrated with how my life was going. I felt like I was living my life for others, that it wasn't my own, and there was an emptiness in me that I couldn't seem to fill. I began searching for something, for anything to fill that void that felt like a black hole in my heart and soul. School, my studies and not even my music could fill it, and neither did the superficial friends I'd made who basically were sycophants to my name and money. I'm afraid I took a regrettable path in an attempt to fill that void and shut everything out when I began sleeping around... a lot," he confessed, looking remorseful and ashamed. "I convinced myself that I was trying to find something or someone that was missing in my life though others were convinced that I was merely rebelling against my family, my upbringing, lack of choices for my future or all the obligations that come with being a Winner. Whatever the reason and whoever was right, I behaved badly. I came back to space after graduating still dissatisfied with life in general and facing a future that had been picked out for me before I was born."

He turned his head to look at the other young man, their eyes locking. "At the risk of sounding like the poor little rich boy," he continued, with an unamused smile on his face. "I've continued to search for something more." He touched the area over his heart and Duo understood completely. "But I couldn't find it, I've felt disconnected from just about everyone and everything... until I saw you standing outside of the office building. I really can't explain it, but seeing you was like having a piece of a puzzle fitting perfectly into place. You'll probably think I'm crazy or handing you some weak pick-up line, but a swear to you that I... I think I need you, Duo, and maybe you'll find that you need me, too. Perhaps together we can fix what's wrong in both our lives."

Duo looked into Quatre's eyes and found himself falling, caught up in the blond's story and his own desperate need to have a connection with someone, a need that seemed to align with Quatre's personal search. Yet reason acted as the thread that held him in place and not acting as his body urged him to. "You don't remember, Quatre, but I'm at the opposite end of the social and economic scale from you. I'm a street rat from L-2, a low life thief. I even stole my gundam from G in order to defy the orders for Operation Meteor. I'm not good enough for you, Quat. With me you're slumming."

The blond man uttered a dismissive sound. "How many people have you had sex with, Duo?"

"Two," the brunet blushed. "Heero and my damn keeper."

"I've slept with more people than I can remember, their faces are a blur and their names long forgotten," Quatre confessed, a sad expression on his face and regret burning in his eyes. "I didn't earn the title of Colony Playboy for no reason," he said with obvious shame. "Don't you think I've earned the title low life more than you have?"

Duo studied his friend, seeing the self loathing he had for himself. It suddenly occurred to him that Quatre was floundering as much as he was. That even though the Integration process had left him with most of his memories of his youth intact, as well as his wealth, family and standing in society, it had evidently robbed his friend of something essential. And Quatre was still searching for that something. Maybe, unknowingly, it was Trowa he was looking for, or perhaps a purpose in life. But before his mind could dwell any further on it, he found himself being kissed once again by the blond, and in that kiss he sensed the aching need Quatre had for the connection he'd spoken of. As he returned the kiss with equal fervor, he realized that he, too, was just as desperate for it.

As the kiss deepened, a thought came unbidden to his mind that maybe he was going to be just another one-night stand in Quatre's search for answers. Maybe his more experienced friend just knew all the right words and evoking touches to seduce him. And yet the lips on his own were soft and gentle, not the harsh and demanding ones he'd suffered for so long from Scott. Heero's kisses had been more intense than Quatre's, but the memory of his lover's kisses during the last three days they'd spent before being Integrated brought back visions of lying in bed together, holding each other, touching, caressing and memorizing every aspect of each other's body. Those kisses and touches from rough, calloused hands had been similar in their gentleness as to how Quatre was now touching him. And suddenly the craving for such a touch was back and he knew he didn't want it to end. He brought his arms up, clasping tightly to Quatre and arching his body into the one next to his while deepening the kiss.

Quatre broke it off and looked questioningly down on the other man holding him so tightly. "Duo?"

"I'll try, Quatre," he whispered, his voice shaking with nervousness. "I just can't promise it will work out."

"Are you sure? We don't have to do anything if you're not ready."

"I'm sure," Duo said breathlessly. "I need you tonight."

Quatre paused, his hands tangled in the dyed auburn hair, and Duo watched as something happened within the blue eyes just above his own. Suddenly, it was if time had reverted back to when they'd first met and he was once more looking at the young Sandrock pilot, appearing slightly unsure and vulnerable before him. He lifted his hand to stroke the blond man's pale cheek, grateful to see that there was still something in his friend that had not been changed by the Integration, time and bitterness. His heart warmed further as Quatre leaned his cheek into his touch and looked tenderly into his eyes.

"Come on, then," Quatre smiled sweetly, looking like a teenager again. "Let's go to my bedroom. It's more comfortable there."

Duo found himself unable to let go of his friend as they moved off the couch and out of the room. His mind remained filled with his memories of Heero and their last three days and nights together. Quatre must have sensed his distress, for he guided him through the apartment with an arm over his shoulder, their movements made awkward as Duo clung to him, not wanting to lose physical contact.

"Fireplace on. Lights low," Quatre said as they entered the bedroom. The wall sconces began to emit a dim light and the fire place to the left of the bed began to flicker. Duo paid the changes to the room little mind as he allowed himself to be led to the large, masculinely-elegant bed.

One handed, Quatre threw back the covers and eased Duo down onto the fine-woven cotton sheets, raining gentle kisses on his face and neck. The smaller man kept his hands on the blond as Quatre slowly began to undress the both of them down to their boxers, taking his time in case Duo changed his mind. He then crawled up onto the bed, going immediately into the smaller man's open arms.

Duo welcomed the gentle, experienced lips on his own once again, and he eagerly responded to the caressing hands as they became more intimate with his body. Though he was present in body and responding to the other man's ministrations, his mind was back in time, in a bedroom in the Sanq Palace. And suddenly it was Heero kissing him, touching him and coaxing his body into a state of readiness to receive him. Lost in the dream, he felt himself becoming aroused and let Quatre do as he wished with his body. In his mind, it was Heero's fingers that prepared him, and his hands that lifted his legs moments before he felt and welcomed his lover's intrusion into his body. He responded enthusiastically just as he'd always done with his only lover, and when the tides of passion overcame him, it was with Heero's name, spoken silently, on his lips.

He lay bonelessly limp, emotionally exhausted as Quatre cleaned him up with a warm, damp cloth. As the dream of Heero faded, he had enough presence of mind to know it was Quatre who gathered him in his arms and pressed him to his chest. His blond friend whispered soft words of comfort as he cried softly for what he'd lost and regained. And though his heart yearned for it to be Heero who was holding him so tenderly, he knew without a doubt that it was his friend, his only friend, Quatre, whose comforting arms he was falling asleep in. He felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to him for the gift he'd given him that night.

Oooooooo

He woke up alone, but knew in that instant exactly where he was. Sitting up in the large bed in the strange bedroom, he clutched the blankets to his chest and gazed around the large room. Quatre's bedroom was decorated in a more simple manner than his grand living room. The harem theme had been abandoned for a style he'd thought more fitting to his friend. The furniture was more traditional without being bulky, featuring a mahogany sleigh bedframe and matching bedside tables and a dresser. Even the two high-backed leather chairs were burgundy in color, complementing the wood. He was about to study the paintings on the walls when Quatre walked in through the bedroom door, dressed in a long white robe and holding a tray with both hands.

"Good morning," the blond greeted him cheerfully, and he remembered that Quatre had always been a morning person. "Did you sleep well?" He sat on the side of the bed closest to Duo and placed the tray between them.

Duo didn't even have to think about his answer. "I slept better than I have in a long time."

The smile Quatre beamed was nothing short of dazzling. "I'm glad. I slept well too." He motioned with a nod to the tray. "I thought you might be hungry."

Duo looked down to see several croissants on a plate as well as butter, orange marmalade, strawberries and two cups of tea along with sugar packets. Looking up at the other man through the messy front fringe of hair, Duo grinned. "It's a start," he said, nodding to the continental-style breakfast that would never be enough to sate his metabolism.

They ate their breakfast, splitting the croissants and fed each other strawberries. As they drank their tea, they chatted about everything other than what had happened the night before.

Finishing the last of his portion of the meal, Duo put his teacup down and for several moments there was an awkward silence between the two young men.

"Um...about last night," Duo began, but was cut off when two fingers were gently pressed against his lips.

"It was wonderful," Quatre said, supplying an alternative description to what Duo was about to say.

Duo smiled. "It was that," he replied, his moving lips kissing the fingers pressed against them. "But..."

"Shh." The blond shook his head. "Let's not spoil it with buts or second thoughts. We wanted and needed each other last night." He reached his right hand out and caressed Duo's lightly stubbled face. "We connected last night in a way I haven't since...." His voice and thoughts trailed off for a moment before he continued. "Well, since I can remember," he finished with a sad smile.

"But even though you can't remember it, we love other people," Duo told him. "What we did last night wasn't right. When you get your memory back, you'll see I'm right. You love Trowa, and passionately so. You were devoted to each other."

The blond dropped his hand and sighed. "It's been four years since the Barton/Mariemaia incident, Duo. I've changed; I'm no longer the wide-eyed innocent you met on the desert sands. Even if this... Trowa and I got our memories back, I doubt we'd be the people we once were. He'd probably be disappointed with me, maybe even repulsed."

In that moment Duo once again saw a glimpse of the boy he'd known years ago, who'd often doubted himself and struggled with feeling he wasn't good enough and yet remained a humble and kind person who touched all of the other pilot's hearts or lives in one way or another. Pushing the tray aside, Duo moved forward and embraced his taller friend. "He would still love you, Quat. Who could ever resist you and your charms?"

To his surprise, Quatre laughed, a happy sound that filled the room and quickly became contagious. Pulling back, Duo looked into the blond man's face, both of them smiling. "What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing," his friend grinned. "It's just that I'm doing my best to charm the pants off of you, and you keep insisting there's a mysterious person who deserves it more."

Still grinning, Duo sat back and pulled the blankets up around his naked body, blushing that he'd exposed himself during that last hug. "You did succeeded in charming the pants off me last night, Quat," he said, feeling slightly embarrassed.

The blond suddenly looked startled and blinked as if he'd been slapped. "I don't want you to think that what we did last night didn't mean anything to me, Duo. I may have been foolish in the past, but I've grown up a bit. Believe me, experience is a hard teacher and I don't want to repeat the mistakes I've made in the past. I don't want to be cavalier with my affections anymore. Last night was very special to me."

Duo nodded. "It meant a lot to me also. I've been alone and unloved for so long that I needed to be with someone, but it really wasn't just sex, Quat. You showed me that the Integration and Scott Mercer hadn't taken my manhood away, and I'll always be grateful for that. You're more to me than just someone who's handsome and charming and you always will be."

A relieved look came into the blue eyes just before a mischievous gleam entered the CEO's eyes and he leaned forward until his face was mere inches from Duo's. "Then let's see what my charms and good looks will get me today," he said with a playful wink and a teasing grin.

Duo suddenly found himself being held in strong arms and lips sweeter than any confection he'd ever tasted were upon his own. Each moment that passed only made him want more of what the other man was offering, and before he knew it, he was flat on his back with Quatre hovering above him when the long kiss came to a reluctant end.

"Wow," Duo gasped and his eyes opening to see his friend grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

Tracing a finger from Duo's jaw, down his neck and trailing it slowly down the middle of his hairless chest to his flat stomach, the blond gave the sexy man beneath him a questioning look. "You haven't seen my master bathroom yet, have you?"

"Not yet," Duo grinned. "But there's definitely a need."

"Then you're in for a treat. Come on." Standing up, Quatre held out his hand and waited while Duo looked at it for a moment and blushed.

"Um, Quat, I don't have any clothes on."

"You're shy?" The blond looked at him, a doubtful eyebrow raised.

Duo nodded, not really knowing why he was suddenly embarrassed about showing his body. From what he remembered of the night before, the body under the white robe, worn by the man in front of him, was strong and beautifully sculpted. The petite teenager Quatre had been had indeed changed as he'd grown into a man. He was now taller and superbly built, and as far as he was concerned, Quatre's physique rivaled the statuesque beauty of Michelangelo's sculpture of David. Duo supposed that in contrast to the fine specimen Quatre presented, he felt a bit... insignificant. He had always been unaccountably thin, even when he was his most fit between the two wars. It was one thing having Quatre see him in the dim light while making love the night before, but he felt much too vulnerable at the moment to parade around naked in the bright light of morning.

As if seeing his inner turmoil and self consciousness, Quatre smiled gently. "Duo, you're beautiful. You have nothing to be bashful about." His words were meant to encourage, but in seeing the pleading look in the amethyst eyes, Quatre nodded and stood up from the his place on the edge of the bed. "Alright, here." He untied his robe and slipped it off his shoulders and placed it around Duo's, leaving himself completely naked. "Better now?" he asked, entirely unselfconscious of his nudity.

Duo pulled the robe on, tied it in place and nodded, then put his hand in Quatre's, which was outstretched towards him, and allowed himself to be pulled out of the wonderful bed. Hand in hand the two walked into the wonderland that was Quatre Winner's bathroom.

It was almost noon before the blond businessman left for the office. Duo once again lay on the bed, wearing only a smile on his face and a bed sheet as he recalled the mornings activities. The sandstone-colored marble tile and mirrored bathroom was enormous. And while Quatre began to fill the large spa bath, the two of them showered in the tiled stall Duo figured was as big as a small room. The water jets shot out of the walls or from up above, giving the person taking the shower a variety of ways to make the experience a pleasurable one. And no doubt about it, he and Quatre had made full use of both the shower and the lengthy bath they'd taken together.

As they made their way to the bedroom, Quatre dressed for work, encouraging him to stay in his home and make himself comfortable. He extracted a promise from him that he would be there when he got home from work so they could go out to dinner together that evening.

Duo was surprised how easily he'd agreed to the suggestion. It had been too long since he'd honestly felt safe, cared for and had experienced the warmth that being around Quatre gave him.

He spent the first half hour after Quatre left for work indulging himself by remaining in bed and remembering the night before. It was an enormous relief to know that he hadn't been made permanently impotent as a result of his time with Scott Mercer, or whatever the son of a bitch's real name was. Quatre had moved slowly with him, sensitive to his needs and his touch had been gentle and persuasive and, gratefully, his body had responded to it.

His next thought was to how his friend had changed. It was clear that the Integration had changed him, for underneath the handsome face and exquisite body there was a great need for something Quatre hadn't figured out yet and his disposition seemed slightly tinged with bitterness. It was clear that Quatre was both resentful and resigned to being more or less what his family had long planned for him to be. The one major choice Quatre had made for himself, independent of his pacifist family, had been when he'd built and piloted Sandrock for the good of the colonies. Though war brought grief and a lifetime of nightmares, it had also given the heir to billions his first and only taste of true freedom. In many respects, Quatre was like a bird in a gilded cage; beautiful and with the ability to fly, but trapped by obligations and responsibilities. But damn, Duo thought, thinking of what he'd seen so far of Quatre's apartment, what a cage to be stuck in.

Pulling the borrowed white robe tighter around his body, he began to explore the space his friend lived in. He had Quatre's permission to make himself at home, and so he would. It was clear to him that his idea of an apartment, in comparison to Quatre's, was hugely different. He found a large, ultra-modern kitchen, a billiard room, a library/office, four guest rooms, each with their own bathroom, a formal dining room and last, but not least, a lap pool. He looked with unrestrained awe at the decadent luxury of having a private pool on the top floor of an elite apartment building. Seeing an absence of security cameras and knowing he was alone, he stood at the edge of the pool and dropped the borrowed robe from off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor. He then jumped feet first into the cool, clear water. It didn't matter that he'd spent a good portion of the morning in the shower and bathtub with Quatre, there was just something about the indoor pool that made him want indulge himself. He pushed back from the edge of the pool to float on his back on top of the water's surface. He wasn't a ver good swimmer, but luckily he could float like a duck. And it was on his back that he found a great appreciation for the painted ceiling above the pool that portrayed the blue sky of Earth on a sunny day, dotted with diaphanous, billowing clouds and high flying birds. He wondered idly why his Integration hadn't included this kind of life, but quickly squelched the thought. It wouldn't serve himself or Quatre for him to be jealous of his friend's circumstances. In fact, he was glad the Arabian had landed with both feet back on familiar turf, with his family surrounding, protecting and supporting him. As a Winner, he obviously had all the comforts he deserved. He really wouldn't wish his life with Scott on anyone, especially the gentle blond.

Oooooooooo

There was a definite look of relief on Quatre's face when he returned home that evening to find Duo dressed in his clothes from the night before and reading a book from the library. "I was half afraid you'd have disappeared before I got back," he confessed as he sat next to the smaller man and gave him a one-arm hug.

"Well, I was tempted to leave and go back to my hotel to change my clothes but I didn't want to take the chance you'd come back and think I'd ditched you."

"You can borrow anything out of my closet," Quatre insisted, his smile growing.

"I didn't want to be presumptuous. And just in case you haven't noticed, Q, we're not the same size any more. Is there something in that tea the Maguanacs drink that makes you guys grow like weeds?"

"If only," the blond laughed lightly. "I'm even considered a pipsqueak in comparison to them."

"Well," Duo drawled, his eyes lowering to the other man's lap and then back up again. "At least you're not a pipsqueak where it matters."

Quatre continued to laugh, displaying that his good nature and sense of humor was still in place. "I gather you approve of my growth spurt."

Yes, Duo was quite pleased, but instead of saying so, he merely raised a questioning eyebrow. "I'll just say I've got no complaints."

Quatre bent his head and kissed him passionately, and the warmth he'd felt the night before began to seep back into his body once again. The kiss ended with both young men of equal age holding tightly to each other.

"Damn but you can kiss," Duo said, almost breathless.

"You too," Quatre replied, still holding onto the other's pliant body. "I almost forgot to breathe."

They sat like that for several moments before they pulled apart. "So, what's the plan for tonight?" Duo asked, tucking in his shirt again.

"Dinner, anywhere you'd like, and then back here for dessert. That is, if that's alright with you."

"Is that an invite to stay the night again?" Duo asked with a grin, looking up at the other man through the fringe of hair that fell over his forehead.

Quatre chuckled. "Was I being too subtle?" A crooked smile looked good on the Arabian, Duo thought.

"As subtle as a gundam in a veteran's day parade," Duo joked. "If I'm gonna stay again, I should pick up some of my things at the hotel."

"You won't need pajamas," Quatre teased..

"Good, 'cause I don't own any. But a couple of days in this get up will start your neighbors to worrying about the riffraff you're hanging around with."

"Neighbors?" Quatre scoffed with a roll of his eyes. "I haven't worried about them since I bought the building."

"Well, what about the doorman and your bodyguards? I don't want to mess with those guys."

"I write their payroll checks."

"Smart man," Duo smiled approvingly.

"Then it's settled. We'll swing by your hotel room so you can change and then go out to eat. I'll call for a car."

As the taller blond stood and made his way to the phone, Duo watched him go, worry seeping into his thoughts. Quatre was either falling for him or playing him. He didn't think he liked either idea and it made him feel uneasy. He'd initially agreed with Quatre's reasoning the night before that maybe they could help each other, that being together might help to fill the gaping emptiness they both felt. He'd already had part of his fears squelched when his friend had shown him he wasn't impotent, that Scott hadn't ruined him completely. Because of that, he'd always be grateful to his former comrade, and he no intentions of hurting him. He needed to make sure that Quatre understood that he was going to leave and reclaim Heero, return his memory of his life before the Integration, and then they'd be together. No one or nothing on Earth or the colonies was going to separate them ever again.

The main object of his thoughts came back into the room with a smile gracing his handsome face. "The car will be here in ten minutes. How about Chinese tonight?"

"Sounds great," Duo answered, resolving to speak to his friend about his concerns. But that resolve took wing and flew out the window as Quatre eased him back down on the round pillow-like couch and proceeded to kiss him senseless while they waited for the car to arrive.

Ooooooooo

The restaurant they visited was elegant and Duo guessed it was expensive since there were no prices listed on the menu. The staff waited on Quatre like the prince he was. In turn, he was gracious but slightly aloof to their kowtowing.

It wasn't until half way through the meal that Duo became aware of other patrons of the upscale restaurant eyeing he and Quatre while whispering behind their hands and napkins. But when a man attempted to take a picture of the both of them, he realized just what a precarious situation he'd put himself in. Luckily, he managed to avert his face from the camera lens and kept it turned away while Amir, Quatre's body guard that night, intervened and confronted the photographer.

"I'm sorry about that," Quatre said, his hand coming to rest on Duo's thigh, just above his knee. "I'm afraid it happens all the time."

Shifting his eyes around the crowded restaurant, Duo noticed the eyes of all the patrons were now on himself and the well-known Winner. "I'm sorry, Quat. This was a mistake. I've got to go." He only caught a glimpse of the confusion on Quatre's face as he quickly stood up and, with his face down, fled the restaurant. Pausing for a moment just outside the front doors, he wondered where he was in relation to his hotel. He and Quatre had been in the back seat of the chauffeur-driven car making out while Amir navigated the city streets. That was a stupid move on his part, he realized too late.

"Grayson, wait!" Duo figured Quatre must have considered the people around them when he called out his pseudo name a moment before he grabbed his arm and held him in place. "What's the matter?" he asked, looking anxious. "What's a mistake?"

Duo shook his head, then turned away as a group of people approached the restaurant on the sidewalk and their conversation stopped as they recognized the blond man. It was obvious they'd recognized Quatre and were wondering about who his companion was. "I'm sorry I ruined dinner, but you attract too much attention, Quat, and that's the last thing I need right now."

"Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"

Duo's eyes widened in reaction to the blond's question. "No, that's not it at all." He answered quickly having seen a look of hurt in Quatre's expressive eyes. "Look, let's go somewhere else where we can talk, alright?"

Quatre nodded. "Amir is settling the bill. When he's done we'll go back to my place."

Duo quickly turned away from the sound of a voice behind him as someone called out to Quatre in greeting. "Good evening," the blond replied with a polite smile, but then turned, effectively dismissing the other person.

Amir came out a few moments later with a white paper bag in his hands. He led the two younger men to the car since Duo insisted he didn't want to stand on the street corner with Quatre while they waited for the car to be pulled around.

The moment they were safely inside and the car pulled away, Quatre raised the sound-proof and tinted window that separated the passenger area from the driver's. "Tell me," he said in a firm voice. "What's wrong?"

Agitated, Duo combed his fingers through this hair. "Everything is wrong, Quatre. Our whole... relationship is wrong for one thing."

"Why do you feel that way?"

It was obvious to Duo that Quatre was feeling defensive and hurt and was trying to hide it. "Like I told you, I love Heero and your heart belongs to Trowa. We're friends, we shouldn't be in a sexual relationship. It will ruin us as friends." "Were you friends with Heero before you became lovers?"

He knew he should have been ready for the blond's logic, but he hadn't been. "Well, yeah. Briefly. We kind of had a strong attraction that didn't let us stay just friends for very long before we became lovers."

"Then I don't see the problem," Quatre said, with a look of infinite patience on his face that Duo found extremely frustrating.

"Quatre, listen to me. I. Love. Heero." He slowly enunciated each word to make his statement more meaningful. "I feel like I'm using you or something. It's not like being with you isn't great, in or out of bed, it's just that my heart is otherwise engaged. When you get your memory back, you'll remember that you love Trowa and you'll see this was a big mistake."

Quatre's stubborn glare silenced him from going on, and Duo became uncomfortable under the unyielding gaze. "What if I told you that don't want my memories back?" the blond asked, his voice dark.

Duo felt he must have looked as shocked as he felt. It never occurred that Quatre wouldn't want to gain all of his memories back, to know the truth about his teenage years and Trowa. "You're kidding me, right?"

"I'm more than serious," he replied.

"Why?" The smaller man was clearly confused.

"Look at me, Duo. Look at my life. Does it seem to you as if I'm overtly suffering? Sure I haven't always been happy, but it's a decent enough life."

"But Trowa..." Duo interjected only to be cut off.

"There is no Trowa, Duo. He's not a part of my life now, nor will he be in the future."

"But Quatre, you guys were so good together. It was like you were meant to be partners for life."

"If that were the truth, then we would still be together no matter how anyone tried to pull us apart," Quatre said with confidence. "I'm not a weak minded individual, Duo. When I want something I work hard to achieve it. If I wanted this Trowa so badly, then nothing on Earth or the colonies would have kept me from him."

"No!" Duo shook his head in fervent denial of what he was hearing. "That's just the Integration speaking for you."

"Duo!" Quatre grabbed his shoulders to gain the other man's attention. "Can't you understand that I don't want the bad memories that would come back with everything else? At present, I sleep very well at night and I carry only a fair share of guilt for those things I've read about that have been attributed to the pilot of Sandrock, things I was responsible for. I know I piloted a gundam, that I was present when my father was killed. I know one of my sisters sacrificed her life to save me and that I destroyed a colony. I've done my own research on the history of the war, that those events are a part of my past, but, Duo, I don't have a direct memory of them. They don't haunt me. Why would I want those memories back?"

It all made perfect, rational sense to Duo, and he couldn't really blame Quatre for feeling the way he did. But with stating his firm decision, Duo felt his hopes for obtaining Quatre's help in getting Heero back beginning to flounder. He nodded his head and diverted his eyes from the blond's intense scrutiny. "I understand. Really, I do," he said in a subdued voice. "If you'll drop me off at my hotel, I'll leave you alone."

Continuing