Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Justitia ❯ Chapter 5

Justitia 5: Usually a person has more faith in their fear than faith in their future.
--Doug Firebaugh

Wufei made it to the warehouse little more than a minute before the timers on the bombs were set to go off. He climbed on board the first suit he could find, all too well aware of the soldiers nearby who were mimicking his actions, desperate to catch him before he escaped, oblivious to the danger they were all in. He grabbed the components he had taken from the bomb and placed them carefully in the small, insulated lockers under the desk before booting up the systems, thanking whatever deity responsible for the full tank of fuel.

It was too easy to blow a hole in the wall of the warehouse to escape. Unfortunately, that meant every other manned Leo followed him out through the same makeshift exit. He was less than a kilometer away when the impact hit, tossing him across and through packs of ice until at last the suit slammed to a halt against a berg.

There was no time to recover. The ice around him shuddered and snapped, collapsing in on itself as it tried to take the suit down with it, but Wufei maneuvered himself free and grabbed hold of the Leo who had shot the berg, tossing them down into the rubble.

The feeling of flying, of fighting in hard metal, sitting in the pilot's seat of a mobile suit and giving it all he had, stretching the suit's ability to its limits, was a heady feeling to Wufei who had not expected to experience it again in his lifetime. He had thought it was just another love, lost to time and the fate of circumstance.

He reveled in the sudden sense of freedom; the knowledge he could go anywhere, do anything, and there was very little that would ever stop him. He felt strong, and powerful and righteous, and at the same time he was all too aware of the core of weakness under his skin; the spine of fear that now drove his movements in everyday life. The suit stalled mid-turn, grabbed in the hold of two enthusiastic others until he wrenched loose the arm from its socket and let them all fall away. It was just an arm, and he didn't need it. It also lightened his load, giving him a slight increase in speed.

He made it to the Dry Valley's and flew low, trying to camouflage the suit with the ice and snow still covering the peaked walls of the valley's. There was no sign of cavalry, so he sought out the most likely defensible position, deciding the small rocky outcrop further inland barely visible on his outer sense was his best option. It was thick enough not to collapse on him if struck by fire from above, deep enough that only one suit could come at him at a time and still open enough to give him at least a one-eight view of the battlefield.

He barely made it in time, another suit attaching itself to his leg as he plowed into the ground, taking them both down in a tangle of crushed metal, only Wufei recovered first, rolling out of the fall and trapping the knees of the opponent's suit under his elbow joint, stopping all movement until he could stand and disable it completely with a hard kick to the head sensors. No one piloted blind.

He looked down at his controls, vaguely noticing how much blood was smeared across the gages and shifting uncomfortably as his hip twinged at the thought. He scowled as they came, but it was not hard. He had fought much harder opponents for greater lengths of time at worse odds and lived. It was just…tiresome. Boring. Lonely.

The last suit crashed into the hard ground with a splash of ice crystals and black dirt and the world was suddenly too still. Wufei powered down the suit, trying to save what air he could, not wanting to open the hatch. It was cold enough as it was. It took effort to take his hands off the controls and he merely shoved them into his armpits, trying to keep his fingers warm as they started to shake inside his gloves. There were little puffs of white air in front of his face every time he breathed out. He hoped Sally got out okay, wondered if she was actually going to be able to find him or convince anyone at McManus to help them…

He wished Marie were there. It was too quiet, too boring, too still. And the wind was whispering outside, bringing those thoughts to the surface again, giving him a headache. He picked at his sleeve, trying to push it all aside but his fingers rolled it up and he forced himself to look at the scarred flesh, to run his bloody hands over the wickedly puckered flesh and recall how it had felt. It had not been the pain…the pain he could have lived with. It had been the taunts that came with it; the ones that mimicked his thoughts. Fool, weakling, coward; caught with your own sword and too terrified after feeling its bite to fight back.

His hand shifted to his stomach, rubbing at the slight indent in the skin, unable to rid himself of the entire sequence of events. The way they had all looked at him, hated him, wished he had not come. They died because of him; because he had come to get them out; because he had foolishly believed he was not weak. And they had sneered as they died, their gazes locked to his, blaming, condescending, unforgiving. Filled with loathing.

Maybe they were right. It would have been had Yuy killed him, had he not sent Wing to the bottom of the ocean. Had he not chosen the right side and simply stayed with Barton, going down with the ship he had chosen. Then…he wouldn't know how they hated him. Yes, maybe that would have been better.

But Chang Wufei did not want to die. Not yet. Maybe not ever, he really didn't know. He did know that he didn't really like being stuck in the middle of Antarctica in a freezing cold suit, alone and waiting for someone, anyone, to find him, well aware he might just die there. Alone. Hated. Loathed.

"You're a fool, Chang," he whispered to himself, leaning his head back and staring at the screen to the outside world. It was light outside and he had no idea how long he had been sitting there. A long line of penguins was making its way across the ice at the mouth of the valley. They looked no different to the thousands of suits he passed in the Preventers building, so unsure of themselves, just following the pack. They looked stupid, to Wufei.

It was near noon, by his guess, when sounds finally began to permeate the world. Not the wind or the numbing cold, but real noise; sounds of vehicles and the voices of people who he could only pray were alive. They came into sight a half hour later, spreading out around the suit; several motorized sleds and snow bikes as well as one massive truck with satellite equipment hooked up. Wufei guessed it was a mobile monitoring system used to record data on that ice shelf.

Sally appeared, dressed from head to foot in thick wooly clothes, waving to the suit excitedly as she walked closer. Wufei resigned himself to the inevitable debriefing session from hell, and having to explain his appearance to so many people. He unpacked the atomic components from their storage places and opened the hatch, wondering if it was possible to freeze instantly, because it was damn cold. He supposed it probably didn't help that he was still effectively drenched from head to toe.

It took some old-school tricks, but he managed to reach the ground with his cargo in one piece, which he supposed was a good thing as Sally waved two guys forward to take it. They looked like they just might have a heart attack as they wrapped them up in little boxes and took off for the base. Wufei watched them go in silence, wishing he had more clothes.

Sally pushed him toward the truck and he let her, too tired to argue. All his aches were coming to the fore and he really didn't want to think about what his arm would feel like when he removed the tape restricting its movements. Would probably be like jelly for the next day or so.

"Clothes off," Sally said as soon as they were inside, alone. Wufei just gaped at her but the pointed look he got in return was more than enough to tell him he was not going anywhere until he had seen a doctor and as she was the only one nearby he knew he was doomed. So he stripped down to his briefs, sat on the table and waited.

Sally just stared at him, mouth slightly open and what Wufei would have sworn were tears in her eyes. Wufei damn-near snarled her into action.

The water was cold. It was probably warm when it left the tap, but by the time it reached his skin it was like ice. Sally cleaned the gore from him mechanically and he ended up grabbing a second towel and scrubbing himself off as best he could. Sally kept reaching out and stroking his scars, tentative and half-heartedly as if she was afraid poking at them would hurt. Wufei ended up reaching over into her kit and grabbing the needle, handing it to her before holding the flesh together on his hip with two fingers, waiting for her to stitch it up.

"Wufei…what are all these from?" Sally asked, still stroking one of the old bullet-wound scars on his chest before she threaded the needle and got to work.

"Mission," Wufei ground out as the needle stung his flesh. He hated stitches; had ever since he was small and hated them even more now that he could remember stitching himself back together. There was nothing scarier than shoving your own intestines back in your stomach and trying to make them stay in the right place. Except maybe watching them get pulled out in the first place. He shuddered at the memory, wishing he just hadn't answered the phone. It hadn't been Une anyway, so he didn't really think he had had to go, but he couldn't let Sally go alone. Couldn't let anyone take his place either. Not when they had not even offered him the mission.

Sally always seemed to find some weird sadistic pleasure in giving people injections. Wufei was reminded of that fact when she stabbed one in his leg while he wasn't looking. He felt it numb the skin, killing off the surface pain but they both knew it couldn't touch what was happening in his mind. He let her check him over for injuries, but there were only the three that she could do anything about. She didn't stitch his face, for which he was grateful, using small butterfly clips to hold the wound shut instead.

He would usually talk himself through this process but the last thing he needed was Sally to think he couldn't take it; that he couldn't handle the after effects. He was perfectly capable, of a lot of things. So he bore it. The silence.

"You know…I was on my way to McMurdo when I got the strangest phone call."

Wufei just raised a brow as he hauled on the thermals she passed him; nice dry thermals and snug jeans, a nice long sleeved skivvy, a jumper, a thermal jacket…Wufei sighed in contentment as the warmth slowly started to return once again.

"Who?" Wufei grabbed hold of the flask of hot chocolate and started gulping it down, loving the instant heat that burned its way through him. She had even bought him his spare gloves and he slipped them on, the thick insulation helping him resist the urge to scratch at the various itches running through him.

"Trowa."

Wufei dropped the flask, watching numbly as it shattered across the floor, the thick liquid spilling out like some twisted version of the blood he spent the whole night spilling. He had expected Une. Marie if something had gone terribly wrong, but not…Not one of them. Not now. Not when he really didn't think he could handle it. Not when the whispers were in his head.

Sally's hands fell on his shoulders, turning him to face her, cool fingers on his skin as she put her hands on his face, forcing him to look at her, but he was having trouble seeing her.

"Wufei?"

The only way anyone could have contacted him was through his laptop; the one he knew was on his desk. Trowa had been in his office; had known where it was, but had never bothered to see him, had never called, had not come when…

Those whispers in his head were becoming a roar, a twisting whirlwind of every taunt he had ever heard and for the first time in his life he couldn't push them down into their box, could not tell them they were wrong because the proof was there, in someone else's words and not his own.

"Why?" He pulled back from Sally, stumbling into the table but not really feeling the impact as Sally tried to hold him still.

"Wufei? Calm down."

Calm. He had been calm. Had been calm for years, for his whole life, but it didn't change anything. Calm didn't steal the pain away, it just hid it, distorted it, tried to make you think everything was okay. It lied…it was unjust.

"Wufei! Listen to me! You have to calm down!"

But he didn't want to listen. He didn't want to hear what the whispers had been telling him all along. If he listened…he would die. He would be back at that table, with the gun and one bullet, trying to decide, trying to find a reason; the reason. The one that didn't exist.

"Wufei!" Arms wrapped tight about him, pulling him in, holding him inside a tight little cocoon of heat and it was blessedly dark, and warm, and for a moment the voices were quiet, hushed, contemplating and Wufei slumped in her arms, weak and useless.

"God, what happened to you," Sally murmured softly into his hair, clinging to him, refusing to let go, forcing him to accept that small comfort. Wufei didn't mind. He didn't want to move anyway. He didn't want to have to think, or see, or hear, or know. He didn't want.

"I don't want to choose anymore," he whispered to the darkness, and for once it didn't whisper back. It just clung tighter, holding him together.

In time the door opened and there were soft words and then Wufei was being dragged outside, back into the cold. He followed Sally through the small collection of people who hadn't left yet and took the passenger seat of one of the small sleds, more than happy to let Sally drive.

McMurdo had not changed much over the years, merely expanding until it sprawled through en entire valley in large, interconnected laboratories, the American flag oddly nowhere in sight, the shuttle port vaguely visible in the distance, along with a massive plume of smoke oddly out of place on the Antarctic.

Sally took them to one of the smaller buildings and the doors opened when they were no les than a hundred meters out, revealing a large garage of equipment. They parked and Wufei followed her inside, through a large laboratory to a small set of rooms he could only assume had been allocated to them. The laptop was on the table, their gear was still in its bags by the door. The rifle was on Sally's bed.

Sally went to the table and sent a communications request to the Preventers headquarters. She asked for Une so Wufei took the moment to take off gloves, beanie and jacket, sprawling on his bed and kicking one leg up into the air to stare at his boots. They were stained black by now and falling to pieces. The laces had broken again at some point during the night and there was a large scratch through the side of the left boot from where he had hit it with his katana in order to dodge a bullet.

"Po."

They both looked at the small screen, slightly amused by the large piles of paper stacked up on either side of Une's desk. Wufei was suddenly glad he made no contribution to it; he really didn't want to give Une anything more to be pissed at him about. His very existence was quite enough, thank you very much.

"Hey, mission complete. We'll make the home time deadline. Report will be sent tonight. Just wanted to give you a heads up. We've got ingredients."

Une raised a brow, and Wufei knew she was more than a little amused at the suddenly laid back unprofessional attitude Po was sporting. It was a rare thing these days, to see rebel Sally Po in mission mode. Or so Wufei had heard.

"Of what variety?"

"Let's just say the Coyote would have caught the roadrunner if he had them, shall we?"

Une raised a brow at that, picking up a pen and scribbling madly. Wufei wondered what she was working on but decided it didn't really matter. He scanned the background but could see no sign of Marie, not even the schoolbag that was usually hovering behind Une's chair. He wondered if she had stayed at school for afternoon activities since he wasn't there. He wasn't really sure what Marie did on her Preventer afternoons when he was away. Apart from occasionally raid his office for games software.

"I'll have the Americans wrap it up and send it here," Une finally said, putting down her pen momentarily as she reached over to grab the next file off the pile. "Injuries?"

"Minimal," Sally said politely. Too politely. Both Wufei and Une looked at her and then at one another. Une merely snorted when Wufei looked away, shaking her head.

"That's his business, Po. I'm delaying your departure until Sunday morning. I want you to check the wreckage at Morson, make sure you didn't leave something behind, make sure we got them in the heart and we didn't just chop off an arm, understood?"

They nodded and logged off and Wufei didn't bother to get up, just rolled onto his side and grabbed the pillow, deciding it was time to sleep. He was almost there when he heard an exasperated sigh and felt his boots being pulled off his feet. He tried to protest but his brain was already shutting down, as if some switch had finally been thrown in his head and he spiraled down, to where there were no whispers and the cold could not find him.

He woke to darkness. Sally's soft breathing was absent and when his eyes adjusted to the lack of light he found her bed predictably empty. The laptop on the table was the only source of light, the fish on the screensaver swimming in slow, boring directions. Wufei allowed himself to groan as he sat up, his skin feeling too tight. He peeked under the few bandages he sported but he didn't see or sense any infection and he sighed in relief. He didn't think Sally would approve of his way of dealing with infection.

He moved to the laptop and booted it up, connecting to the internet and opening his public email. There were three mails, all from Marie. The first simply said `Good Luck'. The second was a report on her school day; it had not gone well and she had slaughtered Wing when she got to his office to make herself feel better. Wufei had to grin at that. The third was a little more cryptic, telling him she had gone on a holiday, would not be home until Sunday but that she had the feeling she would see him before then. Frowning as he sent off a reply, Wufei scrounged through his bag until he found a warmer jumper and exchanged it for whoever's Sally had stolen in the field. A Dr. Morrison, if the tag was to be believed.

He logged onto Preventers network then and found Sally's report already uploaded to the server. He checked it over before writing up his own with the added details and sending it to Une. It made him think about the things he had seen, and the things he recalled because of those things and when he was done he just sat there, arms hanging limp on either side of the chair as he tried to pull himself together. He felt…scattered, somehow, unable to find the usual balance between himself and his fears. He was getting weaker and he knew it.

Taking a deep breath, Wufei was about to log off when a communication request came through. He answered it without really thinking and instantly regretted.

"Hey, Sal, I'm trying to figure out these dosages and Unely would help me out so…Oh. Hey Fei."

Wufei glared at the screen, trying to think of a single good reason he shouldn't just hang up as Duo Maxwell waved at him on the monitor.

"Maxwell."

They sat, in mutual quiet, each waiting for the other to say something. Duo looked disappointed, even a little uncomfortable. Wufei felt like chopping something up into rather fine little pieces or going back to sleep. He wanted to reach out and hit the disconnect key but he couldn't seem to move his arm.

"Don't suppose you know how many of these I'm meant to give Heero?"

Wufei glanced at the bottle, vaguely recognizing the pills. He had never had to use them; never been in a position where they were available to use.

"Two in the morning, two at night. Twelve hours apart," he said softly, wondering if Heero was in pain and not sure how he would feel about the answer, whatever that was. Neither of them were strangers to pain, but…

"Huh! Thanks Fei!" Another awkward quiet as Duo scribbled on the piece of paper in front of him.

"So…where's Sal?"

Wufei just shrugged. He was not her babysitter. He reminded himself to get new connector and to change the number on the laptop when he got back so Duo could not call again. He should have known better after the last time. Had known better…damn Une for giving Duo his number anyway. Not that she had, really, she'd handed over Sally's number. It wasn't her fault Sally and he were sharing the same number for a few days.

"You guys planning the mission or what? Looked like a doozy."

Wufei felt all the aches flare in protest, felt the bullet grazes itch as if trying to be noticed and he just nodded. He wasn't in the mood to argue. Besides, it had been a doozy, and they were planning; planning a trip back, but still. It was the same thing, right? Good.

"I hear Tro-bear popped up at the office! Can you believe it? No one hears anything from the guy for three months and he doesn't even let us know he's coming home…typical. I woulda thrown him a party."

Wufei couldn't say what was typical, but his headache was fast returning and his heart was thundering in his chest, pumping his blood too fast. Duo had not known Trowa was back? But Trowa had called from Wufei's office…Wufei's mind was coming up with some interesting concepts to explain that one but they were all so outlandish he tossed them aside immediately. But there was a little voice deep down that was paying attention, weak and small as it was.

Not that Wufei would have been invited to the party anyway. Only eight seats and all that. Still, he and Marie could have had a games night…

"Well…uh…I better go give Mr. I feel no pain his meds, hey. See ya."

And he was gone, and Wufei had to shake his head at the idiocy of it all. Because Duo would not see him and they both knew it. Because he had a feeling Une was being sneaky again. And because he couldn't stop wondering what Trowa Barton had been doing in his office when no one even knew he was back.

He was still pondering these things when the door opened quietly and Sally came on and damn near had a heart attack as he turned around in his chair to stare at her in the dark.

"Shit, Wufei! I thought you were asleep!"

"Some soldier you are," Wufei noted wryly. "Heero's pain meds…two every twelve hours?"

Sally gave him an odd look at that but nodded as she turned the lights up slightly. Wufei quietly laughed at himself for not having known where the light switch was.

"Duo called," he said by way of explanation, unable to keep the disdain from his voice. Sally heard the tone and quietly sat in the chair at Wufei's side. She had a printout in her hands that looked oddly familiar to Wufei.

"I had Une send me this and the lab guys printed it off for me to read," Sally said softly, pushing it toward him so he could get a better look. Wufei scanned the first few lines and his blood ran cold, one hand instinctively slamming down on the papers and drawing them to himself even as his other tucked in tighter to his body. It was an old reflex now.

"It wasn't your business," Wufei said softly but his words were nothing but hot air in a room growing chill.

Sally was quiet for a long time. She kept looking at her hands, skin pale as if she had been sick recently. Wufei couldn't help feeling the same way. He didn't want her pity. He didn't want her to know…how weak and foolish he truly was.

"How…how did you get out? It's not in the report."

Wufei looked up at that, startled, his fingers flexing around the pages, scrunching the top sheet, not that it mattered. He intended to burn every last page.

"I used the bullet to tear the rope on the hand that wasn't free," Wufei said coldly and the whispers were not the only things in his head. The images were there too and the faces of the people who owned those whispers. The dead ones he had watched die in horrific ways; ways he devised late each night for months…

"I used the gun to wedge the nails out of my feet…" His feet twitched at the memory, toes curling in his socks. I had to…pull the nail off the table to free…" he choked on the words, unable to finish. He had gotten free. What did it matter how?

"Who put you back together?"

Wufei just stared at the report under his fingers blankly. No one did. No one knew. He wouldn't let them know. He sewed the broken skin together and finished the mission, and then he came home and moved on. There was no `putting him back together'. He didn't need their pity…he didn't want…that.

"I did."

"Infection?"

"Maggots are your best friend," Wufei scratched at his arm, remembering the wiggling, tickling torture. Sally shuddered.

"Pneumonia?"

"Is a bitch," Wufei said coldly, recalling the hacking, burning rawness he had not shaken off for the entire trip. It hadn't cleared up until Une sent him on that mission to the Canary Islands…And wasn't that an odd one.

They were both quiet, each lost to the fear, the cold mind-numbing pictures that could steal your soul if you let them. Wufei wished Une would mind her own business. He didn't like this life, true….but what she was offering…It had to be worse. Much worse. That they might know, might look at him like Sally was looking at him now, not really seeing him, just seeing what had happened. Oh to take it all back, to be back at that table and make the other choice. And no one would know. Not even himself.

"I..I…God, Wufei!" And the worst thing happened. She burst into tears, collapsing over the table in a flood of salt water and muffled sobs that made the pain well in Wufei's gut and tempt him. It was tempting…to join her. To let the tears come. But he couldn't cry. At some point he supposed he had forgotten how. So he just sat there and waited it out, getting up at some point to put the report in the small incinerator.

The sky outside was lightening when she at last sat up, eyes puffy and red-rimmed, hands shaking. It seemed to take her a great deal of effort to look up at him.

"Do something for me?"

Wufei winced, not wanting to do a damned thing. Wishing he had just stayed asleep. Wishing a lot of things he knew he couldn't change. Because he chose…

"What?"

"Put my name on that fucking list," Sally hissed vehemently, fire in her eyes as she glared at him.

"What list?" Wufei asked, completely confused. She looked like crap…Looked almost as bad as he felt.

"Kin, Wufei! Your list of kin! Put me on it."

Wufei just stood there, in shock, unsure what to think, what to feel. So he just nodded. Because he didn't have a list…

But he thought he might like one.