Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Justitia ❯ Chapter 6

Justitia 6: Weak- Lacking firmness of character or strength of will.

Trowa pushed their suitcases into the corner and walked over to the window, looking through the thick glass at the light shower of snow being swept through the valley by the relatively small wind. He felt cold to whatever was deeper than his bones and shivered at the mere memory of the ride to the base. Marie had loved every second of it but Wufei put that down to her going on a holiday to Russia every year. Even if this was colder than that…

Marie grinned as she waved him over to the laptop. There was a message from Wufei in her email box. He seemed rather confused by whatever Marie had sent him and they shared a knowing grin as Marie just closed the program, not bothering to reply.

Trowa took a moment to dig their new boots out of the suitcases and quickly exchanged his outdoor boots for the much more comfortable, new, woolen ones. Marie saw what he was doing and promptly kicked off her shoes, holding out her hands expectantly. Trowa tossed her box over.

"Well?" Marie asked when she was done and Trowa just raised a brow. She sighed in exasperation before grabbing his hand and tugging him out the door. "Let's go! I wanna see Wufei!" She grabbed the pair of boots they had bought for Wufei, the black and red ones, on her way past.

Trowa just chuckled, letting her pull him into the main lab, looking for someone who could lead the way. It was still rather early, the sun had not risen that long ago but there were several technicians and a scientist in the lab. The greeted their guests warmly and Trowa found he rather liked the atmosphere of the whole place, not that he ever intended to stay there for any great length of time. Too damn cold. Way too damn cold.

The scientist seemed a little surprise when they asked where Po and Chang were staying but he quickly pointed them in the right direction and Trowa found himself feeling more than a little nervous. He couldn't seem to shake the photo from his mind, or the footage from the base's security cameras. He knew Wufei wouldn't look like that now, but…He couldn't quite reconcile all the pictures of Wufei he had into one person; couldn't put them together to get a clear picture of Wufei must be like now.

They found the door and Trowa could hear familiar voices on the other side. It was Marie who knocked and Sally who answered the door. Trowa thought shocked was the understatement of the day as he waved at her.

"Fuck!" Sally looked from Marie to Trowa, to Marie to Trowa until Marie snorted loudly and pushed the door open, slipping under the woman's arm and racing over to the table, slamming the boots down in front of Wufei with a triumphant grin plastered on her face. Trowa entered at a much more sedate pace, leaving Sally to gape in the doorway until her senses returned and she shut the door before returning to the table.

"Marie?" Wufei's gaze slid from Marie to Trowa and his eyes went even wider. Trowa was not sure what to make of what he saw there. Shock, yes. Hurt, yes. But also confusion, pain and…fear. Trowa just nodded silently, not sure what to make of the situation and deciding to leave it up to Marie.

"Hey, Fei! We bought you something?" Marie poked the box on the table toward him and it seemed enough to snap him out of his daze.

One gloved hand reached out and drew the box a little closer, flicking the lid off to peek inside. His eyes widened momentarily before they softened and he pulled out one of the boots. Marie saw the change instantly and stood, draping herself over one shoulder familiarly as she reached forward to grab the other boot and point out all the things she liked about that. Wufei actually relaxed under her touch, letting her lean on him, smiling faintly as she blathered on…Trowa overlapped this picture with those in his head and smiled with them, because he finally had the two sides of the coin.

"Yes, yes, yes, they're very nice boots," Sally butted in, collapsing on the end of one of the beds. "But what the hell are you two doing here?"

Marie looked up, shrugged at Sally, then proceeded to step on Wufei's feet until he put the boots on.

"You said I couldn't help if I was in the office," Trowa pointed out. "Une liked my suggestion that Marie might enjoy a small vacation with me and I just happened to feel like going to Antarctica."

Wufei snorted at that and Marie giggled as she played with the drawstring of the hood of his jumper. It amazed Trowa that Wufei did not push her away and it occurred to him that contact with Marie could very well be the only physical contact he had had since Sally retired from her Agent's position.

"Just happened to feel like it," Sally grumbled, rolling her eyes as she lay back on the bed, but Trowa couldn't help but notice the rather pleased look on her face as she kept glancing across at Wufei and Marie.

He took a moment then, while Marie told Wufei all about the rushed trip and the way she had thrashed Trowa at Packman, to study Wufei. He was favouring one side of his body and Trowa could see one thigh was slightly fatter than the other, no doubt from an injury. One arm was likewise bound under the jumpers and there was a large bruis purpling the side of his neck. There was also the butterfly clamps along his cheek. Trowa judged his original guess to have correct; a bullet had come that close. It made his arms itch to reach out but he managed to keep them at his sides. He couldn't keep his gaze from straying to the places he knew the scars would be, but it wasn't in pity. It was a morbid curiosity to see just what had happened; to see the proof, to know it was real because Wufei didn't look any worse for wear. Except for the look in his eyes…Trowa found that slightly terrifying, because a Wufei without his equilibrium was not a pleasant thought.

"Hey, Marie. Wanna help me get Breakfast?"

Everyone stopped and stared at Sally as she sat up, stretching a little. Trowa noticed the red circles around her eyes but said nothing. He doubted she really wanted him to say anything. Marie didn't miss a beat, jumping toward the door and swinging it open, and before he knew it Trowa was alone. With Chang Wufei. And he didn't know if he wanted to laugh, or cry or scream and rage, or maybe he wanted a mixture of a lot of things. Instead, he forced himself to move forward and take the chair Marie had vacated. It didn't seem right to stand there and make Wufei look up at him.

Wufei just sat there, staring at him with the blankest expression he had ever seen. Like he just didn't care and wasn't sure what to think about not caring even as he cared too much. It was…an odd thing to have staring at you.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly, eyes trailing over Wufei's form once again, just to assure himself he had not missed anything.

"Fine," Wufei replied, quiet and cold. Trowa supposed he deserved that, but he had not expected it. Fire, yes. Ice, no.

They were quiet for a long time. So long that Trowa was a little surprised the others had not yet returned. He couldn't think of what to say. He wanted to grab hold of Wufei and not let him go, wanted to strip off his clothes and check to make sure he wasn't bleeding, that he was still breathing. He wanted to say he was sorry but he knew it was too late.

"Why are you here?"

Trowa swallowed hard, the question too similar to what Marie had asked and her answer ringing in his ears. How to make Wufei hear, to understand, to want to believe it was true? He had no idea.

"Because you should not have to ask that question," he finally replied and was rewarded with a sufficiently amused grunt. But Marie was right; he wasn't listening.

"We ask what we want to, not what we have to."

It was Trowa's turn to be surprised, and a little hopeful, because if he read between the lines that just might have meant that Wufei wanted to know why he had come, rather than just asking because it was what he should do. Or, it could have meant Wufei was completely disregarding the response as not good enough. Trowa figured it was probably the latter.

"I was…worried."

Wufei seemed to stall at that, mask breaking to reveal confusion, and hurt, and that tint of fear that worried Trowa, that made him think he might not succeed in whatever the hell he was trying to do.

"Marie…she showed me your office. I…I didn't know you could paint."

The mask fractured, revealing a tight, strained smile and Trowa figured he wasn't doing too badly. Wufei rubbed absently at his arm and Trowa could see it was a habit he was no longer even aware of. He wondered if it still hurt. It wasn't that old when he thought about it. The hand stalled, the eyes narrowed slightly, glancing aside for a moment at the incinerator and Trowa knew Wufei knew he knew. Could see it in the way his shoulders tensed and his face darkened slightly.

"Why are you here?" He ground out, the words low and menacing enough to send a shiver down Trowa's spine, but he wasn't going anywhere.

"Because I should have been there, Wufei!" He was starting to lose his temper, despite all his resolutions to remain calm. He wanted to do so many things at that moment and he couldn't do any of them. He was angry at himself, but there was not even anything he could do about that. He was…more frustrated than he could recall having being in a long time.

Wufei looked sad. Just horribly, mind-numbingly sad. Trowa recalled the red circles around Sally's eyes and started to think that this may not have been the first time Wufei had had this talk today. But Trowa wasn't sure that was a bad thing; the more times Wufei was made to look at it from their point of view the more likely it was that he might actually listen to them, and that was, after all, what Trowa wanted most of all.

"Does it hurt, Wufei?" He asked softly, the question he had wanted to ask the moment he knew, the question he had been asking himself and had no answer to. The question with a thousand answers…Does it hurt…

"I don't want your pity." Wufei pushed his chair back and walked to the small porthole window, looking out at the white world beyond. The snow was getting thicker, the wind stronger. There would be a storm that night.

Trowa just looked at him, looked at the way he was only putting weight on one leg, at the way he clutched one arm tight in against his stomach, the way his hand rubbed at his chest, the eyes shimmering as they stared at nothing. Yes, it hurt very much.

"It's not pity."

"Then what the hell is it?" Wufei turned and snapped at him, clamping his mouth shut and letting his chin drop to his chest, a faint blush of annoyance touching his cheeks. Trowa was now certain he had had this talk with Sally just before they arrived and marveled at the irony of timing. That Wufei probably would have ignored them both separately but was unable to do it with them together, one after the other. He wondered idly how Wufei did it; how he pushed it all aside and just kept going, as if it hadn't happened. Maybe, to Wufei, it hadn't. That was a very likely possibility.

"It's fear," Trowa said softly and he saw the instantaneous effect his words had; saw the mask crumble completely and he lunged, leaping to his feet and taking the three long strides to Wufei's side, a hand landing on a well-padded shoulder. Wufei tried to shake it off, but Trowa kept it there and he gave in with a sigh, too tired to compete. Trowa inwardly cheered.

"I was terrified…When I saw the file, when I saw the security tapes, when I saw Une, when I talked to Marie, all the way here…Even now…I'm terrified."

Wufei wouldn't look up from the floor and his shorter height made it difficult for Trowa to see what was going on there but he felt the slight shaking in Wufei, the quaking need to pull himself back together before he crumbled and Trowa almost hated himself for wanting him to break, to let it go, knowing all too well how long it had been trapped inside.

But he didn't break. And Trowa doubted he ever would.

"You're wrong," Wufei said coldly, standing tall once more and staring out the window again. His eyes were blank again, showing nothing. Trowa's hand clamped on his shoulder, trying to draw him back out. "That's not fear. It's cowardice."

Trowa let his hand fall away, unable to follow Wufei's reasoning on that one. But he didn't move away, refusing to give in. Refusing to be…weak…And a thought occurred to him as he looked at the way Wufei's palm had fisted about the bottom of his jumper; at the way it clung to his gut as if he feared his stomach might fall out.

"Are you calling me a coward, Wufei?"

Wufei's gaze narrowed slightly but that was the only reaction.

"You're not afraid of me," Wufei stated plainly. "You're afraid of yourself." Afraid of your guilt, was the unspoken addition but they both heard it.

"You're right," Trowa said softly. "I'm not afraid of you."

A knowing, nasty smile twitched Wufei's features and Trowa wanted to smack it away. Wanted to wake Wufei up, but he knew he couldn't do it with pain. Wufei had mastered pain a long time ago, that much was obvious.

"But you're wrong too. I'm not afraid of myself. If I was afraid of me, I wouldn't be here. I would be at Duo's, reveling in my welcome home party." Because he had no doubt Duo would have thrown one.

Wufei stiffened, shifting away a little as if struck. Trowa just closed the gap again.

"I'm afraid for you."

Wufei's entire body shook and Trowa could see the effort it was taking to stand there and take it, not to run away, not to be a coward, not to be weak. Not to fear. To listen without hearing, only he was hearing. For the first time in a very long time. Trowa forced his hands to stay still.

"Does it hurt, Wufei? To know I'm afraid? To know I'm weak? "

It had the desired reaction. The eyes went wide, head snapping up to stare at Trowa and it was all there, plain to read, as it had been in the war, the cold replaced with the heat, with the need. And it hurt more than Trowa had expected. It hurt worse than he feared, because it was true. They were all so weak.

And his arms moved of their own accord, wrapping tight about Wufei, refusing to let go, and instead of stiffening he felt the tension release and Wufei gave in, for just a brief moment, falling into him, acknowledging the truth neither of them could hide.

"I'm sorry," Trowa whispered, damn near choking on the words. Wufei's arms did not move from their place at his sides; he did not return the embrace at all, but it was accepted and that in itself was a small miracle. "God, I can never explain how sorry I am."

Wufei let him have his minute before he pulled away, gaze shifting to the door and Trowa watched in silent fascination as the walls came back, as the numbing mask returned, as the weakness was pushed down, the truths pushed aside and the man who had first looked at him when he walked in returned. Then the door opened and Marie walked in with a massive tray of food, Sally on her heels with a jug of something and several mugs.

Trowa met Sally's gaze over Marie's head and nodded minutely. Sally visibly relaxed as she put down everything on the table. Marie was the first to move, grabbing a bowl off the tray and taking the lid off a steaming pot of porridge.

"Wufei, they have a sauna here!" Marie exclaimed excitedly, looking over her shoulder at him as if to check he was still there. Wufei smiled minutely as he made his way to the table and sat beside her. "Sally's never been in one, so we're going to go after breakfast and I'll teach her how it works."

Trowa looked at Sally, amused by the look of slight discomfort on her face. He presumed Marie had informed her of the fact sauna's were traditionally taken naked. Not that Sally was really that squeamish, but Trowa could imagine few things more disconcerting than being stuck, naked, in a room with Mariemeia Kushrenada.

"We have to go back to Morson," Wufei noted and there was a complete lack of emotion in the observation. It was if he was testing something, trying to ascertain Sally's position on something.

"I've arrange a bike for you this morning. They don't have a truck available until this afternoon. I thought I would come find you then. One of the science teams has agreed to give Marie a tour while I'm gone."

Wufei and Sally shared a look that lasted a full minute and even Marie looked a little uncomfortable, but Wufei dropped his gaze and grabbed the ladle and a bowl and that, it seemed, was that.

Breakfast was a small affair of mundane conversations in which Trowa discovered little other than the true extent of Marie and Wufei's awesome obsession with the Endless Waltz computer game and its various expansions.

They were getting ready to leave, when Marie grabbed hold of one of Wufei's boots and gaped in horror.

"What did you do to my shoes?" She scratched at the blood on them, shaking it in front of Wufei, sticking her fingers through the hole in the side of one that Trowa would have sworn was made by a katana. "Honestly, you have no respect for anything!"

Trowa gaped a little. Had she really just accused Chang Wufei of having no respect? And lived? Chuckling a little to himself at the look on Wufei's face, Trowa went to wait at the door with Sally as Marie somehow talked the shoes onto Wufei's feet, very amused at how secretly pleased Marie looked. Yes, Wufei's `Christmas' presents would go down rather well, he agreed.

They had to stop by Trowa and Marie's room to swap shoes and Trowa silently lamented the loss of his new boots. They were fast becoming one of his favorite things and he made a mental note to thank Marie for thinking of them. Wufei was impatient to get going so Trowa grabbed an extra jumper from his bag and headed for the garage.

He let Wufei drive for two reasons, that were essentially the same one. Had he driven Wufei would have clutched to the back of the seat and damn near broken his arms off trying to hold on, not to mention half freezing to death. By letting Wufei drive Trowa was able to use the need to hold on as a perfectly logical excuse to wrap his arms about Wufei's waist, holding him back against his chest, allowing them to share the warmth and beginning what Trowa knew would be a long hard trek; the process of making Wufei accustomed to his presence and the warmth of human touch.

Wufei was like coiled steel for the first mile or so, but the further they got the more relaxed he became until it seemed to Trowa that Wufei had almost completely forgotten he was there. He didn't think that was a bad thing.

The base…was not. There, that is. The closer they got to the quiet ruins, already covered in a fine layer of ice, the colder Trowa felt. Images from the security screens were flickering through his mind and he could feel Wufei tensing, subconsciously pressing back, as if trying to get away. Trowa tightened his grip marginally in response.

They parked the bike on the edge of the worst of the debris and walked in from there. Parts of the building were still standing, but they were mere shells, blackened and frozen and there was not much to be found. Still, they got off and began their perusal of the sight, each with a small digital camera. Trowa ended up sneaking photos of Wufei in for no particular reason other than he realized he didn't have any and Wufei on Antarctic ice was rather priceless. Especially Wufei trying to get away from a mad penguin that chased him out of what looked like it had once been a warehouse.

Chuckling softly, Trowa realized he was in part of the complex further away from the explosion and noticed a metal cabinet. It was twisted and beaten and burnt, but still retained its general shape so he checked it, just in case.

And promptly slammed the door back. The body he had seen had had its throat cut in a too-familiar manner, and it was missing its hand. He forced himself to open it, take a photo for the report and slam it shut again before kicking some snow over the damn thing and leaving it, hoping Wufei never saw it. No one needed those sorts of reminders.

He was photographing the remains of a tank when he heard the sounds of a truck and headed back to the bike to find Sally climbing out. Wufei was nowhere to be seen.

"Anything?"

Trowa just shook his head. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to indicate just how integral to the operation this base had been. Not much of anything. Wufei had, apparently, mastered the art of blowing stuff up.

They took a stroll together, clicking mundane things that interested them more than things for the report. Every now and then Sally would reach down and pick up a souvenir but that was all.

"You've managed to charm Marie quite nicely," Sally noted, the broad smile on her face taking the sting out of the words. Trowa chuckled, wondering just how badly Sally had been terrorized in the sauna.

"Do you think you can do the same with Wufei?"

Trowa looked down at her, startled. She was staring at a shattered shell of a suit, face hard and distant, mind elsewhere.

"Yes," Trowa replied easily and she seemed amazed by that ease. He just shrugged, because there was no other choice. He would do it because he couldn't not do it, and Wufei would agree to it because if he didn't he would be responsible for making someone weak and would be weak in return. There was no way Wufei would allow that.

"I can't…do it," Sally whispered, her voice breaking on the words. "I can't not pity him and he knows it. When I saw…I didn't know what it was. When I found out, I just…I can't look at him and not see the scars he hides. I can't…not feel it."

Trowa just opened an arm and Sally collapsed against him, arms wrapping around him, face buried in his shoulder. It made Trowa realize how well they knew each other; just how much time they had spent in one another's company. It made him feel guilty. And determined.

"It's not pity, Sal," Trowa rubbed her back gently, wondering if she could even feel it through all the layers they were wearing. "It's guilt."

Sally choked on that and they just stood for a while, sharing it, understanding it, until Trowa let her go and pulled his beanie on a little tighter. His ears were cold.

"So," Sally scrubbed her gloves over her face as she stood tall once more, eyes scanning the rubble. "You going to join the list too?"

"List?" Trowa started heading for a large wall of charcoal metal sticking out of the ground that had obviously been quite a tall building.

"Hmm. The empty one."

"Oh that," Trowa waved his hand in the air as if it didn't matter at all and Sally rolled her eyes. "I own that list."

Sally laughed at that, but the laughter died in her throat as she took in his expression and realized he was serious.

"Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself in to?"

And they both knew what she was referring to.

"Better than you will ever know," Trowa said grimly as they walked around the black monolith to find Wufei sitting on the ground, staring up at the twisted remains of an atomic bomb shell. Trowa knew perfectly well that Wufei had been sitting there ever since losing the penguin. "Ever."