Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Not a Clue ❯ Part Two ( Chapter 2 )

Title: Not a Clue

Author: Nomi-used to be Heero no Ikeike

Archive: www.fanfiction.net, Gundam Wing Fanfiction Mailing List, www.mediaminer.org.

Rating: Overall, NC-17

Warnings: Lemon, angst, death (not a G-boy), Duo depression, Heero revelation, extremely jealous WuFei ::grin::

Pairings: Established 1x5x1, 2+1, 1+2 (whoo hoo!), slight touch of 2+5 and the admiration of a hot Asian body ::snicker::, eventual 1x2x5 and many combinations thereof.

POV: Switches after every multiple asterisks.

** = denotes emphasis, if you can't see the italics.

<> = denotes thoughts.

*

Heero swore in Japanese. I know I was swearing in Mandarin, even as I slipped into a pair of boxers, opting to throw on a robe as well to hide my raging erection that, unfortunately, had not diminished in the slightest. Heero, however, had jumped wildly when he heard the doorbell, and I was pretty sure that *he* had no problem controlling his hormones.

Lucky bastard.

We hurried to the door, him in his pants and me in a robe, and he unlocked the door before nearly ripping it off its hinges in his fury, only to suddenly look surprised to see Duo Maxwell standing there, his violet eyes haunted.

"Duo?" Heero questioned, confused. I peered around my lover to see that Duo was looking…dead. Very pale and very lifeless.

He looked up at us without really seeing us, I think. "She's gone."

I blinked. "Who's gone?"

"Hilde. She's gone. She died. She's gone."

Heero was horrified. I think I may have gone into shock, though it was nothing compared to Duo, who seemed so very lost. Luckily, Heero seemed to come to himself sooner and he tugged Duo inside, shutting the door quietly.

"Duo, what happened?"

"I walked her home," he said, sort of floating towards the couch only after Heero gave him a slight nudge. "We walked home. We got ice-cream. I had a cookie crumb in my braid and she fished it out. We walked out. She…she didn't see the car. I didn't see the car. No one saw the car. The car just came. I don't know where from. It just came. It hit her. I think I screamed. The man drove away. There was blood everywhere, everywhere…Everywhere…Even on my hands…" He looked down at his pale hands with a sort of blank detachment. I saw no blood. "I picked her up. She was already gone. A lady yelled. The flashing lights…what are the flashing lights? The truck? What's that?"

"An ambulance," Heero told him, gently sitting down next to him and sliding an arm around Duo's shoulders. I made myself scarce in the kitchen, putting some tea on, and when it was done and I had a strong cup made, I walked back in to catch the last of what Duo was saying.

"…impact killed her. Doctors said so. They told me to go home. I couldn't remember how to get there. I remembered Heero and WuFei lived here. Two blocks from the hospital. So I'm here. Hi."

I handed him the mug and he took it, looking at it like it was something foreign. "What's this?"

"Tea." I sat down on the leather armchair and leaned forward, my elbows on my knees. "Duo…"

"She's gone," he told me, looking straight at me. The overwhelming dark light in his eyes forced me to look away. I'd never seen Duo Maxwell so dead.

"I know. It's-" I stopped myself. Of course it wasn't all right-he'd just lost one of his best friends. It would never be `all right'. "-Going to get easier," I decided on saying. He just shook his head.

"No. It won't. Everyone dies. But why her? Why Hilde? I loved Hilde. She was my best friend. It would be like if I lost Hee-" He cut that off quickly with a choked sob, stricken. Apparently the thought was too much to bear, something I could understand all too well. If, for some reason, Sally left me, I don't know what I'd do.

Heero, who still astounds me with the depth of his emotions, curled his arm about Duo's waist and tugged the smaller boy onto his lap, where he proceeded to rock him slowly. I couldn't for the life of me grasp the fact that Duo Maxwell, the true anchor out of the five of us ex-pilots, needed to be held like a child, needed that comfort and that care. It was mind-boggling.

Heero glanced over at me, his eyes glistening. "Would you mind getting a pair of pants and a shirt? And maybe a blanket?"

I didn't respond, but I left quickly, finding what he wanted in his room and returning with it. Duo was protesting.

"I'm fine. I'll go home. I'm fine, Heero. I don't want to stay here. I'll go home."

I stopped dead about ten feet before I reached them. I couldn't see their faces, but I could hear them.

"Duo, don't be stupid. You'll stay here tonight, and maybe tomorrow night. I'm here for you."

"No, Heero. I don't want to stay here." There was such childlike vehemence in his voice that the thought of him protesting was laughable, but I wondered just why he didn't want to stay here. Was it because of me? Did he not like me? It couldn't be, Duo has always been perfectly nice, and when he's lying he gets this too-innocent look on his face, like he's trying too damn hard. So no, it couldn't be that he didn't like me.

Then I saw it. It hit me like…well, using an over-used cliché, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or maybe a ton of Gundanium.

Duo loved Heero. I could see it. He was protesting because he didn't want to be in the same living area with Heero. Well, maybe not that he didn't want to, but because I was here as well. And I was Heero's lover.

God, how long had Duo been feeling like this? And why, why, *why* couldn't Heero tell?! It was so obvious…But then, Heero's always had a blind spot concerning Duo. He's always felt something extra-special for the braided boy…well, man, I suppose. We're all men now, were born men, it seems. But Duo, like Quatre, seems to have held onto his childhood longer, even though I knew that he lost it faster. I don't understand it, but somehow…it makes sense.

I approached them slowly and handed Heero the garments and the blanket. Passing by them to my chair, I gave Duo's braid a light tug, and he stared at me, incredulous. I smiled softly and he smiled back, and for some reason, it all made sense. Of course Duo loved Heero, Heero was *Heero*. I didn't mind in the slightest. How could I? He loved Heero for the same reasons I did. Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? So I just smiled, and the situation sharpened into stunning clarity. Duo loved Heero. I loved Heero. Heero loved me. Heero loved Duo.

Wait. What?

I focused sharply on my lover. Duo's head was nestled in the hollow of his neck, and he was still rocking him slowly, murmuring tender words in Japanese. Some of the words he murmured only to me.

Jealousy reared up and bit me so hard in the ass I thought it would leave teeth marks. Then I calmed down and thought about it rationally. Duo was distraught and hurt, of course Heero would drop his mask and tend to him. Heero had grown so much since the end of the war, and now that he didn't *have* to repress his emotions, he felt them deeply. Everything was almost new to him, and he delighted in learning, feeling, experiencing things.

I told myself to calm down and I picked up the mug that hadn't been drunk, setting it on the cabinet in case Duo wanted it later. When I returned, they were having yet another argument.

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"No, you can have my bed."

"No. Couch."

"No. My bed."

I rolled my eyes. "Maxwell, you can take Heero's bed, I don't think he minds."

My lover gave me a grateful half-smile and I ruffled his hair as I passed yet again, earning me a glare.

"No. Couch is fine."

"Do you want me to carry you?" Heero threatened. "I'll do it, don't think I won't."

He didn't respond. Heero glanced at me and raised an eyebrow. I shrugged. So he picked Duo straight up and walked him to his bedroom, and I followed with the clothes and blanket (why did he want it in the living room if they weren't even going to use it? Oh well).

Duo undressed and dressed in the pants, which were too big, and left off the shirt because he practically swam in it. I took his discarded clothes and put them in the hamper with mine and Heero's, intending to wash them in the morning.

My lust was finally gone. It had taken all that time, but my erection had finally disappeared, thank God, and I was able to lose the robe and put on a shirt instead. Good thing, too, because I was getting a little warm.

When I returned, Heero was tucking Duo into bed. I snickered. Duo, I think, in a break of his shock, was mortified. He tried to push Heero's hands away, blushing, but I knew for a firsthand fact that when Heero Yuy sets his mind to something, nothing or no one can dissuade him. You just can't.

"Do you want me to stay in here with you?" he asked softly, and Duo just stared at him like he'd grown three heads.

"Are you out of your fucking mind? No, I don't want you to stay with me. I want to be alone right now."

I think Heero may have been a little hurt by his fervor, but I understood it, so I gently touched my lover's shoulder and motioned for him to leave. He did, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, watching Duo.

"Hurts, doesn't it," I said softly, and he just nodded.

"A lot. I can't…believe it. I just can't."

"I didn't believe it either. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that it had happened. And when I did, I promised the gods that I would be good, would be a better person. Then I was furious."

His eyes were dark in the absence of light, dark and huge, so very like and completely unlike Heero's. "Who was taken from you?"

For some reason, I liked the way he put it. "My wife."

His eyes widened further. "What? You were married? Does Heero know?"

"Yes and yes. It was an arranged marriage when I was fourteen. Her name was Meiran, but she called herself Nataku."

Understanding bolted across his eyes in a split second. "Your Gundam."

"It was hers to begin with. I was not a fighter, I was a scholar. I fought only after she died in my arms. Her spirit took residence within the Shenlong. Hence, the Nataku."

He reached out for my hand. "I'm so sorry, WuFei."

Trust Duo Maxwell to offer comfort when he's the one who needs it. "It's fine. Like I told you before, it *does* get easier. Just not yet." I watched him carefully. "Heero has never lost someone he's loved. He's lost people he's never known. He doesn't understand that you need your space, your solace. Don't get frustrated because he's hovering-you and I both know that he's a bit of a mother hen."

I got him to smile, but it wasn't much of one. "Too true, `Fei."

"I hope he never learns what it feels to lose someone you love. I don't know if he could bear it, feeling things so deeply the way he does. It's one of the things I love most about him, but I think it would be his undoing."

He snorted. "I thought you guys were just screwing around at first," he said blandly, "but you really are in love, aren't you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. We'll figure it out in time." I watched him out the corner of my eye while I fooled with some of the bare threads on the comforter. "When did you figure it out?"

"Figure what out?"

I decided to let it drop for the time being. He'd just lost his best friend. He didn't need me shoving Freud at him and analyzing the way he was looking at my Heero. "Never mind. Get some rest, okay?" I stood up and stopped at the door.

He was curled up in the blankets, a small bundle of warmth, his braid poking out to trail off the bed, the tufted end brushing against the floor. I could only see two pinpricks of light that were his eyes. "Maxwell."

"Yeah?"

"Don't be afraid to ask for help. It will be given willingly."

He nodded. "Thanks, WuFei." He paused. "Can I ask you a question?"

I leaned against the closed door, folding my arms across my chest. "Certainly."

"Why don't…why don't you ever call me by my first name?"

I blinked. "In my heritage, it is rude to call someone by their given name without permission."

"I didn't know that."

"I'm sorry I never told you."

"You can call me Duo, you know." He smiled a little. "I don't mind."

I nodded sharply. "All right. Duo."

"So should I call you Chang instead?"

I hesitated, then smiled. "No. You may call me WuFei. Or `Fei. Or any of the stupid little names you come up with. I don't really mind, you know. As long as it's not in public."

He cracked another small smile and I think he was on the verge of saying something else, but suddenly, exhaustion overwhelmed him. With a soft "G'night, `Fei," he was asleep.

**

**

**

Waking up in Heero's bed did nothing to quell the burst of love I felt. Then I remembered why I was in Heero's bed, alone, in the first place, and ice swam in my veins.

My Hilde was gone.

God, why? Why take her from me? I've already lost so much, why the fuck do you have to take away the one person I felt I could truly talk to about my feelings for Heero? What next? Will you take him away too?

The mere thought, as it did the night before, had me trembling and terrified. I managed to fall out of the bed and out into the living room without crying, but it was damn close.

Heero and WuFei were in the kitchen, WuFei cooking and Heero sitting at the table, reading from a book. When I got closer, I was overwhelmed by that damn love again to see what he was reading: How to Deal with Grief.

"Heero?" I choked out, and he looked up sharply, forgetting the book as he stood up and came over to me.

"What do you need?" he asked immediately. "Are you hungry? Want a shower?"

I couldn't respond for a moment, and it took WuFei's light laugh to break me out of my stupor. "Heero, let him be. He knows what he wants."

I actually didn't. I wanted Heero to hold me. I wanted to go back to sleep. I needed to piss really, really badly. So I just took a step forward and waited for Heero to take the hint, because I certainly wouldn't throw myself at him with his lover standing not six feet away.

Poor Heero. He didn't get the hint. But he did lead me towards the table, pulling out my chair and sitting me down. Then he picked up his book and continued reading, though he was sitting close to me, our thighs touching, and his free hand was resting on mine.

"Duo, do you want to eat?"

"No."

Heero opened his mouth to protest, but WuFei interrupted with, "Okay. Do you mind if we eat? I'm starving."

"No, go ahead." Dear God, Heero, please don't take your hand off of mine, please don't take your hand off of mine, please don't take your hand off of mine…The mantra consumed me until it was all I could think about. I didn't notice when Heero began to eat, left handed, his book propped up between his plate and a jug of orange juice.

He never took his hand away from mine.

*

I managed to eat a little for lunch, just to please Heero, but after that I decided to leave and make my way to my tiny, empty apartment. "Thanks, Heero, WuFei. I'm gonna go home now."

WuFei stopped cleaning up the dishes and gave me a strange look. "Do you really want to?"

"No," I answered, before I could think up a lie, and he just nodded.

"Then don't."

Heero was still reading his book on the couch, but he looked up when he heard the conversation. "Duo, you're more than welcome to stay here for as long as you want."

"I'm intruding," I mumbled, but apparently it was the wrong thing to say, because in about three seconds flat, I was being hugged to a strong chest while scents of spice and oranges hovered around me.

"You aren't intruding on anything," Heero insisted firmly, holding me to him. "You are my best friend, Duo, I want to do anything I can to help."

That did it. For some reason, I don't know why, maybe it was just the look of tenderness in his eyes or the way he was holding me…I snapped. The floodgates cracked and exploded, and I fell to the floor in a sobbing, shaking mass before I even knew what hit me. He held on fiercely, letting me cry against him, on him, and I clambered onto his lap like a child and I clung for all I was worth, my chest clenching and my throat constricting. God, I never knew that grief was so painful, not just emotionally but physically as well.

After a few moments, I knew I was going to be sick, and I would be damned before I threw up on Heero, so I untangled myself from him and hauled ass to the bathroom, where I splashed the pristine white toilet bowl in lovely shades of Technicolor. I emptied everything from my stomach, which wasn't much, and when *that* was gone, I continued to dry heave for what felt like forever.

When I finally came back to myself, still crying, I was aware of someone smoothing my bangs away from my face, holding back my braid, and another someone dabbing my cheeks with a damp cloth. WuFei and Heero, Heero with the cloth and WuFei doing something strange with his fingers on the back of my neck that caused me to relax instantly.

"I'm sorry," I gasped, and they shushed me.

"Do not apologize for feeling sorrow," WuFei said softly, kneeling down and pulling me to him while Heero flushed the toilet bowl and handed me the cloth. I wiped my mouth and just let it fall from my fingers as I leaned into WuFei's strength. I shouldn't let people see me like this, I know, but they weren't people. They were my friends, and if only for that, then they could see me at my worst. They could see me cry without me feeling *too* much shame. I could lean on them for support and expect them to do the same when they needed me.

I think I may have fallen asleep, because my next memories start when I wake up on the couch, someone sifting gentle fingers through my bangs. My pillow turned out to be a lap, WuFei's lap, to be precise. When I shifted and looked up at him, he was smiling. "Hey there, sleeping beauty."

I merely blinked. "Where's Heero?"

"He went to the store to pick up some ice-cream. We ran out, and I figured that if you won't eat anything else, you'll eat strawberry ice-cream." [1]

"I'm really not hungry," I told him, starting to get up, but his hand on my shoulder kept me still.

"I know, but you need *something*. I'll make you a milkshake, if you want."

That actually sounded appetizing, believe it or not. "Okay. Thanks."

"Sure." His fingers continued threading through my hair, a remarkably soothing gesture that stemmed back to my childhood at the church on L2. "Have you ever heard of acupressure?"

"Uh…no. What's that?"

"There are certain points on the body-pressure points-that can trigger stimulants and hormones into the body for different purposes. Like this." His thumb, very gently, pressed against the soft patch of skin just behind my ear. My eyelids drooped. He laughed. "Feel tired?"

"Yes…"

"It's a pressure point. And then there's this." He pinched the bridge of my nose firmly, not tightly, and I felt the sleep disappearing. "If you have a headache, pinch there. Or if you're just tired."

"Wow. That's neat. Where did you learn that?"

"My mother."

Ouch. His whole colony had been destroyed, I remembered. He was the last surviving Chang of L5. That had to be tough. "God…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask that…"

WuFei smiled again, that strange, catlike smile that makes him look really sexy. Yes, I think Chang WuFei is sexy. Bite me. "It's all right. You and Heero both feel the need to sidestep me. Don't. I like remembering my mother, I like being reminded of her. I miss her, of course, but that doesn't mean I don't think about her." His hand stroked down my cheek. "You remind me of her sometimes."

"I do? How?"

"You're so full of life. She was too. She was always telling me to live each day like it would be my last, because we never know when we're going to be taken away."

Tears filled my eyes and he didn't comment, thank God, just kept talking. "She loved gardening, cooking, even fencing, though my father disapproved of a woman fighting. He didn't disapprove of Nataku, though, so I could never understand why there was a double-standard for my mother. He loved her very much, though. Their match, though arranged, was a good one. My parents were truly in love.

"I still remember how she would read me bedtime stories, all the way up until I was twelve or so. She thought that a scholar should learn to use his imagination as well as his logic." He glanced away so I wouldn't see his blush, but I saw it. "She called me her little dragon. That's where the nickname come from."

Hn. That explains a lot. "You *are* like a dragon, you know."

He looked at me, really looked at me, and I couldn't turn away. "How so?"

"You're strong and fierce…and protective," I added, indicating the way he seemed to be guarding over me. "Loyal as hell, intelligent…and you like shiny things." Like Heero's eyes, for instance.

He seemed to understand and merely did his Cheshire Cat smile. "And do you know what you remind me of?"

"What?" Don't think of Hilde, just listen to WuFei. Hilde's not gone, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine…

"A kitten."

I raised one and a half eyebrows (hey, I'm almost there, dammit). "A kitten. How flattering."

"It's just what came to mind," he said defensively, starting up the soothing movements in my hair again. "Like…you're playful and cute, and curious almost to the point of killing yourself." I had to laugh. "And you're lovable and pettable and-"

"You are *not* petting me," I warned, and he did it anyway.

"You're just like a kitten. Okay, maybe a kitten with sharp claws and teeth, but a kitten all the same."

It almost felt…nice to be referred to like that. And only because it was WuFei. Anyone else (minus Heero, of course), I probably would've decked. "So I'm cute?"

"You're very cute, Max-Duo."

I smirked. "You forgot?"

"Yeah. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm trying."

"I can tell. Thanks."

"So. If I'm a dragon and you're a kitten, then what's Quatre?"

"Oh, that's easy. He's a bunny rabbit."

We laughed about that one for a while before falling quiet again. I was drifting off to sleep when I heard him give a little snort. I angled my eyes up to his. "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

"Heero. What he would be."

"Hmm. Maybe…a dog?"

"No, not a dog…" He smirked suddenly. "I can't imagine him sniffing someone's crotch."

That nearly killed me, it really did. The mental imagine was so amusing that I laughed hysterically, nearly falling out of his lap in the process, but he seemed pleased by it. Don't think of Hilde, don't think of Hilde, don't think of Hilde…

"A wolf," I spoke up, settling down again. WuFei's eyes lit up in a way I'd only seen maybe once or twice. He was really handsome when he smiled.

"Yeah. He's a wolf."

"Who's a wolf?" a new voice asked, and we both turned to see Heero walking in with a grocery bag in his arms, much like the night when he visited me late at the office. God, was that only last night? It seemed forever ago.

Last night was when Hilde was killed.

I grew very, very quiet as I slid out of Wufei's lap and curled up into a corner of the couch, not paying attention while my two friends talked about the fact that Heero is a wolf and I'm a kitten and WuFei's a dragon.

Hilde had pretty eyes. I never thought about it much, but the shade of her eyes was really spectacular. She always teased me about my feelings for Heero, but not in a way to make me uncomfortable. She told me that she'd had a crush on me for a long, long time, but that she knew she could never have me, so she was perfectly content with friendship. She was the first person ever to tell me that I was attractive, even though I have never been able to believe it. She also gave me my first Christmas present. Heero gave me my second, which meant more to me than I can say, but Hilde was the first. She was also my first kiss, before we discovered that preferences just didn't lie with women. Actually, I'm not sure if my preferences even lie with *men* or if it's just Heero. Oh well.

"…milkshake now?"

I looked up to see WuFei giving me a worried appraisal. I think he'd been trying to speak to me for quite a while. "What?"

"I asked if you wanted that milkshake now. Or I can make it later."

"Now's good," I responded listlessly, my brain shutting out all outside activities once more. Hilde, pretty, sweet Hilde. Gone.

"Duo?"

I looked up at the hesitant tone in Heero's voice. He handed me the book he'd been reading. "I think this might…help…because I don't know how to. I read the whole thing and I think…I think you'd like it…but if you don't want to read it, you don't have to."

Is it any wonder why I love this man? "I'll read it. Thank you." God, I could kiss you, but I don't think your boyfriend would like that.

He seemed to brighten a little, just in his eyes (as usual), and he sat down next to me, holding one arm out. "Come here."

I shook my head. "No, don't, please. I'm fine."

He gave me a curious look. "I just want to hold you."

"That's exactly it. Please don't. I'm fine."

Way to go, Maxwell. Heero Yuy, the formerly indestructible Gundam pilot, has hurt feelings. Goddamn it all. Why did he have to be so damn caring? Son of a bitch.

"Heero, I just…"

"I think I understand," he said softly. He withdrew his arm and I was nearly overcome with the urge to crawl onto his lap again, but I resisted. Thank God I resisted, because WuFei came in within that next moment to hand me my freaking huge milkshake. He winked.

"You need your strength. Besides, I blended it with chocolate syrup and bananas. My mother always told me that it helps when you're down."

Thank God for Chang WuFei's mother. The milkshake was bliss and comfort rolled into one and I sipped it happily-well, mostly happily, besides that minor (hint: major) bout of depression that I was slipping into.

Heero and WuFei slipped into what I assumed was their usual nightly routine, WuFei heading off to take a shower and Heero reading a book quietly. I still felt like I was intruding, but I was backed so far into a dark corner that I didn't care anymore. I brooded for hours, I think. Just thinking, going things over in my mind. My rational side was telling me to take the initiative and plan the funeral-Hilde's parents were killed when she was young and she had no family left-but my emotional side was still raw and aching, like a burn wound.

I think I fell asleep right there curled into a little ball, because at three in the morning, that's where I was. Those lapses of memory were really starting to irk me. Was it normal to suddenly find yourself three hours past the last time you thought it was? Maybe I was starting to go slightly mad.

Don't people who sleep in moonlight go crazy? Moonlight streamed in through the sheer white, gauzy curtains and I was bathed in it, the silver-white adding strange tones to my pale skin. I never did bother to get a tan.

I heard noises then, and my sordid mind supplied me with many images, most not unwelcome, of what Heero and WuFei could be doing locked together in one bedroom. But then that same bedroom door opened and WuFei wandered into the kitchen, mostly clothed, for a drink. My mind pulled itself out of the gutter and wrapped me in a blanket of misery once more.

God, I was *so* depressed.

"Duo? Are you awake?"

I grunted what I hoped was an affirmative and he moved into my line of vision, a glass of milk in his hand. "Want some company? Heero's worried, so he's snoring."

I blinked up at him. "He snores when he's worried?"

"Yeah. Weird, isn't it?" He sat down on the opposite end of the couch, taking a sip from his glass, his eyes never leaving mine. I just nodded and lapsed into silence once more. I remembered something suddenly.

"Quatre's birthday."

"What?"

"Quatre's birthday. It's soon. What's today?"

"Thursday."

"Oh God, it's on Saturday! I have to schedule the funeral, but that means it has to be after Saturday, and I need to call the funeral home to see if I can-how much do coffins cost? Shit, did she even *want* to be buried? Maybe cremated? She doesn't like the dark…God, WuFei, she's scared! Hilde's scared, WuFei, she's scared of the dark…What am I going to do?" I was babbling and I knew it, but I didn't much care at the moment. I found myself cradled in strong arms, different from Heero's but just as warm. I clutched hard and had to remind myself to breathe through the panic that threatened to pull me under. What in the seven hells was WRONG with me? I should've been able to buck up and take charge. I'm not a slacker, I knew what had to be done, and I just kept wallowing in misery. That didn't get anyone anywhere.

But I couldn't help it. I felt so helpless and so out of control, and just the mere thought of having to deal with it on my own sent me into hysterics. I thank whatever god may be out there that WuFei was there at that moment, because that's when I think I really and truly lost it.

**

**

**

I laid awake for a while, waiting for WuFei to come back, but after several minutes too many, he never returned. I finally rolled out of bed and peeked through the door, in time to see WuFei envelop Duo in a tight hug. My heart constricted and I hurried closer.

Duo was babbling something, I couldn't quite hear what, but he sounded frantic and terrified. His eyes focused on me and they were wide and fearful, and I reached out to him. He left WuFei in an instant and hurtled over the couch at me. His speed surprised me and I only barely managed to keep my balance. Before I could begin to register the look of hurt on WuFei's face, Duo was sobbing.

"I've lost her, I don't know what to do, I've lost my Hilde. She was my best friend, if I lost you too I don't know what I'd do, God, I'm so scared, I'm so scared, Heero…I don't know what to do…I'm so scared…"

I held him close, letting both of us slide to the floor, where he promptly fought to get onto my lap. I could never figure out why he did this, and to this day I still don't know, but it seemed to help him. So I rocked him like a child-a five foot five, hundred and forty pound child-and he quieted down.

"He's sleeping with me tonight," I told WuFei.

"Why?" my lover asked bluntly, and I blinked in surprise.

"During the war, it would help him if he-"

"I get it," he cut me off, and I gave him a strange look.

"What's wrong? Are you angry at me?"

He sighed. "No. I just got jealous."

If there's one thing I have to say about WuFei, it's that he's honest to the point of being almost rude. He never hid his feelings from me, which helped greatly in the long run. "Why are you jealous?"

"I don't know. I'm going back to bed, then."

I stood up with Duo in my arms. "Wait here. I'll be right back." I put the fitfully sleeping Duo in

my bed, leaving enough room for myself, before returning to my ebony-haired dragon.

I pulled him into my arms and gave him a sound kiss on the lips. "Don't be jealous."

"I know. I have no reason to be."

"Exactly. I'll see you in the morning."

"No, wait." He tugged me to him again and just held me. "Duo's really, really worried about the funeral. I think we should start to plan something-maybe once we've got a little bit going, he'll be able to take over from there." He smiled. "I don't think he'd appreciate us doing *everything* for him, as much as I want to."

"No, he wouldn't. But you're right, we'll start doing something tomorrow." I raised an eyebrow when I felt something press into my thigh. "God, WuFei, are you ever *not* hard?"

"I wasn't earlier today," he protested, "but now that you're here, I can't help it."

For some reason, that was almost flattering. "Not tonight."

He sighed. "I know. Good night-er, morning, I suppose."

We kissed and parted, him falling onto the couch with his glass of milk and a book (apparently,

when he's aroused he can't sleep very well) and me going into my bedroom and quietly shutting the door. It was utterly black and when I slipped into bed, Duo moved against me almost automatically. It felt exactly like it had during the war, when we'd share a bed to fend off nightmares. That's when our friendship really formed solid, I think, after I put that huge amount of trust in him and he never broke it.

I fitted myself against his back and slung an arm around him, and in a few minutes I was asleep.

*

I woke up early, despite how late I went to sleep, and found that Duo and I had shifted positions sometime during the night and he was spooned against my back, one arm around my waist, the other curled up against his chest. I tried to slip out of bed without waking him up, but soon realized that that would be an impossible task with the way he was clutching me.

I stayed where I was for a good three-quarters of an hour before my door eased open and WuFei poked his head in. "I made breakfast, if either of you are hungry," he murmured softly, so as not to wake up Duo. "If he doesn't want to eat, don't force him. I can always make him another milkshake."

"That's not healthy," I whispered, my nose crinkling.

"It doesn't have to be. As long as he's eating something, that's good. At least he's eating. I didn't eat for four days after my wife died."

I softened up immediately. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" At his look, I amended myself. "That's right. You like thinking about her."

"Yes, I do. Do you want coffee?"

"Yes."

"I want coffee too," a new, quieter voice said, and Duo sat up, rubbing his bloodshot eyes, looking a little better but not by much. "Do you have bacon?"

"Yes. Just cooked it."

"Good. I want bacon." He nodded decisively and I rolled my eyes. Duo was too cute for his own good sometimes, though I think he'd murder me if he heard me say it aloud.

"Then get out of bed," WuFei commanded. "I'm not serving you breakfast in bed, I'm not your maid."

"No, but you'd look adorable in a short skirt," Duo quipped, and I laughed. WuFei muttered something about braided idiots and left the room, causing Duo to smile a little. I stretched and arched my back as was my usual morning habit, tilting my neck to the side to crack it. Duo was watching me with half-lidded, still sleepy eyes.

"What?" I asked when he kept staring. He blushed suddenly and I was confused.

"Nothing. I guess I better go eat and take a shower for work."

"You are *not* going to work today," I snapped, and his eyes widened.

"Why not? I do have a job to do, Heero."

"No, not today. And not tomorrow, either. We're taking off."

"'We'?"

"Yes, you and me. And maybe WuFei too."

He sighed, defeated. "I can't argue with you on this, can I?"

"No, you can't."

He sighed once more. "I feel a little better," he offered tentatively. "I don't feel so…dead, I think. Like I can actually go on. At first, when it hit me, I thought it would tear me apart, but now…"

I was amazed that he was actually willing to talk about it. Apparently it showed, because he added, "The book said it helped to voice my thoughts and feelings. So that's what I'm doing."

I swelled with happiness. "You read it?"

"The first two chapters. I got up last night to pee, and I read for a little bit before I grew tired again." He hesitated. "Thank you for getting it."

"I didn't know how to help, so I figured a book would give me a start."

"When in doubt, get a book, right?"

I threw a pillow at him. He threw it right back. WuFei found us in a wrestling match and scolded us like children before ordering us into the kitchen for breakfast.

It was agreed that we would all take off work. Une would probably have a coronary, knowing that WuFei and I skipped out twice in one week, but Duo had a perfectly clean record and a liable reason for skiving, so she probably wouldn't read him the riot act.

After breakfast had been cleaned up, Duo took his clean clothes and went for a shower, saying that he "smelled like a monkey", and Wufei and I read where we left off from the Inferno, in the same position as last time with his head resting in my lap.

He glanced up at me as he opened it. "You know, we had been reading this that first night."

I knew which night he meant. "I know."

"Why did you come into my room?"

"I don't know. It felt right."

"Ah. I see." Smiling contentedly, he started to read aloud while I played with his hair, a nice

routine we enjoyed occasionally.

When I heard the shower stop running, WuFei paused and looked up at me. "Keep going," I advised. "He's reading it, he might want to hear some too."

My lover flushed. "I don't know if I want to read aloud to Duo."

"Why not?"

"I'm embarrassed. I'd feel stupid."

"You shouldn't. You have a nice reading voice."

"It still feels weird."

"Don't be so self-conscious."

"I'm not self-conscious." And as if to prove a point, he doggedly continued reading, keeping his voice level even as Duo walked cautiously into the room. I looked up when I saw him and WuFei faltered a little, but didn't stop.

"Sit down," I told him, eyeing his hair unbound for one of the first times ever. "Want me to braid it?"

"No, I got it. I was just wondering if you had a brush I could use."

"Use mine," WuFei spoke up. "Second drawer down on the left in the bathroom. I don't even know if Heero owns a brush."

"I do too own a brush." I thumped his shoulder. "Idiot. My hair isn't *that* messy."

"Yes it is," Duo said, disappearing into the bathroom.

I rolled my eyes. "Great. Just gang up on me, why don't you."

"Good idea. Thanks." And he started up reading again. Duo returned minutes later with a neat braid winding down his back, and he sat in the chair a little uncertainly, as if unsure if he was welcome. I made it clear when I motioned him to me, and he curled up in the corner of the couch closest to me, his feet touching my thigh. It felt good, to have them both there, and the thought made me feel vaguely uneasy though I couldn't say exactly why. Duo's presence near me was just as welcome as WuFei's, more than as friends. I dwelled on the thought for so long that I didn't notice when WuFei's voice fell silent and he rested quietly against me, half asleep, or when Duo shifted positions and ended up with his head on my shoulder, fully asleep.

So there I was, with confused, befuddled thoughts involving my lover and my best friend while both of them slept on me. Lovely.

I think I may have drifted off for a while, because I had a really weird dream. In it, I'd just come home from work and, as usual, WuFei was cooking in the kitchen. I gave him my customary kiss and hello, and he asked if I minded having Mexican. I said no, and he said good because he wasn't making anything else. Same ole, same ole.

Then Duo wandered into the kitchen and-get this-I gave him a kiss as well. And it was normal, perfectly normal. Or so it felt. And when I sat down at the table to read a book, Duo twined his arms about WuFei's waist and proceeded to grope him while he cooked.

*And this was normal.*

I woke up feeling too warm and a little bit breathless, and I realized that we'd all shifted sometime during our strange morning nap and resembled something like a pile of kittens, I suppose, with me flushed up against WuFei and Duo plastered to my back. It was comfortable, though, so I regulated my breathing and ended up drifting off again, only to have the incessant ringing of the phone wake me up.

I extricated myself from the pile and Duo slumped onto WuFei's chest, barely missing his face. WuFei woke up briefly but when he saw me and felt Duo against him, he sort of just…drifted off again.

The phone call was from a hysterical Quatre. "Oh God, Heero! Where's Duo? We've been trying to get a hold of him and we can't, did you hear about Hilde? Where is Duo? I can't believe it, I've been crying all morning, why weren't you at work today? *Where's Duo?!*"

"Quatre, calm down," I said softly, not wanting to wake up the sleeping said Duo. "He's on the

couch, asleep. He knows about Hilde, he was there with her when she…passed on." Passed on, right? Doesn't that sound better than `died'? I thought it did. "He's very upset, so we all took a day off, all right?"

He quieted for a moment. "Is he doing all right?"

"I'm not sure," I said truthfully. "He seems better at times, then it's like he'll…remember…and he gets this look on his face that I don't like."

There was a strange pause. "How are you handling this situation?"

I felt a little miffed. "I'm handling it fine, Quatre. Why?"

"Oh, I was just…I mean…Sorry, Heero. I shouldn't have even asked that. You know better than anyone what Duo wants."

For some reason, that made me blush. "Whatever. Anyway, I'd better go now before I wake them

up."

"Them?"

"Yeah. Duo and WuFei. They're both still asleep on the couch."

"Seriously?"

I blinked. "Yeah, seriously. Why?"

"You mean Duo and WuFei are both sleeping peacefully on the couch without having argued or bickered?"

"Yes." My voice was a little strained and I knew it. I couldn't help it, though-Quatre was acting strange.

"Heero, can I ask you something? Something personal?"

"I suppose," I said guardedly, not quite sure where this was going.

"Take a look at them and tell me what you see."

The tone of his voice left no room for argument, so I cautiously walked over to where the two were curled up together on the couch. Since I'd moved away, WuFei had relaxed completely onto his back, Duo slumped over onto his chest, nearly suffocating him but not quite. They looked peaceful, comfortable…beautiful…

"Heero?"

"What? Oh. WuFei's on his back and Duo's on his chest. Why? What's this about?"

"No, Heero. What do you see?"

I traced the scene with my eyes, noting how Duo's braid was clutched in WuFei's hand like some weird stuffed animal. Duo had a small smile on his face as he slept, so different from the tight, pinched look he got when he thought about Hilde. WuFei *never* slept so deeply in front of anyone but me, yet he had no problem relinquishing this to Duo. `This' being his true self.

"Heero?" Quatre prompted again, and I said.

"I have to go, Quatre. They're about to wake up and we need to get something to eat."

"All right. Call me later and tell me if there's anything I can do to help." There was a voice in the background and Quatre amended, "Call us if *we* can help."

"Trowa's there?"

"Um, yeah." I could *hear* him blushing. "He and I left work when you guys weren't there and we found out about Hilde. We were going to go back, but decided to go to lunch and a movie instead."

"Okay. We'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

I hung up and stood stock still, watching the two asleep on the couch. Quatre's questions were very odd. Just because I'd had a semi-erotic dream about my best friend and my lover didn't mean anything, did it? Dreams were just fabrications of our subconscious, little bits and pieces that happened during our day that, when put together, never make sense.

If so, then why did I get an ache inside my heart when I realized that my best friend was beautiful?

**

**

**

Have you ever slept-literally, not figuratively-with an Asian? No? Well, then let me tell you something: Asians are freakishly bendy. When I woke up, I found myself, surprisingly, on WuFei. Heero was nowhere in sight, and while I was a little disappointed at that, WuFei was almost just as good. I mean, come on, it didn't escape me that he was spectacularly good-looking, and I'll get my kicks whenever I can. WuFei was warm, muscled and compact, and he was cute when he slept. So when I awoke, I was mildly shocked to find only him there, and then my eyes bulged when I realized how he was bent.

I was flopped over onto his chest (my face near his crotch, actually), and he was twisted up like a goddamn pretzel. I have no idea how he was able to actually *sleep* like that, but he almost looked comfortable.

Almost. Not quite.

I groaned and stretched, my neck cracking in half a dozen different places. I guess the noise woke

WuFei up, because he uncurled his limbs and arched his back like a cat.

Yummy. Wet dream come true.

Anyway, we were slowly waking up when we heard a voice from inside the kitchen. It was Heero, and from the tone I guessed that he was speaking to Relena. He always has this real soft voice when he talks to her.

"I appreciate it, but I don't want to get out today. No, it's not that-Yes. Yes, we did. Two days ago now. What? I'm not going to give you the details of my sex life. No. No! I don't care if you're asking nicely, I'm not telling you anything. Relena…" He gave a quiet laugh, one that tingled my spine. "Yes, it was good. That's all you're getting out of me. What? Oh…yes, he's here." He glanced over, saw that we were awake, and said, "Would you like to speak with him?"

I almost shook my head no, but he was coming over to me and handing me the phone, and I couldn't protest. Relena has always made me nervous, made me feel like I just wasn't good enough to even breathe her air, but she's always been nice to me. Weird, isn't it?

"Hello?"

"Hi, Duo. How are you?"

"Um, okay, I guess."

"I was wanting to talk to you about something, if you don't mind." Oh no, there's that

determination in her voice. I knew it was about…about Hilde, but I didn't quite know exactly what she was on about.

"Okay. What is it?"

"If you don't have any plans yet for the funeral, I'd like to help out in any way I can."

Damn. How could I have forgotten that Relena and Hilde were good friends too? "I don't have any plans. I'd like that…I think she'd like that."

"Okay." Was it my imagination or did the princess's voice waver? "Do you know if she wanted to be buried or cremated?"

"She didn't like the dark," I murmured. "I don't want her to be in the dark."

"Of course. I never realized it, but she always did sleep with a light on, didn't she?" God, her voice was so wistful I nearly broke down again. "So she'll be cremated. Would you like to take her or should I?"

I couldn't deal with having Hilde's ashes with me at the moment, and the conversation was decidedly morbid, so I said, "Can we maybe take turns or something? God, it sounds like it's an amusement park ride…"

She gave her cute little tinkering laugh, though I think it was slightly forced. "Of course, Duo. I'll take her first." She hesitated. "I miss her."

"I do too. It'll be okay, Relena. We'll be okay."

"I know." She sighed. "If you want, I can start making plans today, right now. I understand that you were closer to her than I, and you're still…unbalanced. I was when my father died."

"God…I didn't realize…I'm so sorry."

"No, no, it's fine. I'm just saying that I understand how you feel, Duo. And if you don't mind, I'll

start the arrangements today and you can take over whenever you want."

"That would be nice, Relena, thank you. I can give you my credit card number so you don't have to-"

"No, I want to pay. I need to do something for Hilde. I'll pay whatever needs to now, and if you like you can pay what you want when you take over. But I need to do this for her."

I faltered. "All right. But if you need anything, just give me a call-wait, I'm not at home, obviously, so call me here at Heero's."

"All right. Duo…she loved you, you know."

"Yeah. I know." My throat constricted and the tears threatened to spill. "I'll talk to you later."

"Okay."

"Do you need to speak with Heero again?"

"No, I only called to find you. Bye, Duo."

"Bye."

When I hung up, I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. "Duo? Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine," I said, still holding back tears. When the hell did I get to be such a damn pussy? "She'll start the arrangement and I'll jump in sometime later. We have a payment deal now, too, though I wouldn't be surprised if she hurries up and gets everything done so I don't have to pay. That selfless bitch, I swear…"

WuFei chuckled. "That woman is quite selfless, isn't she?"

"After she grew up, yes," Heero added. He looked awkward standing there ramrod straight while WuFei was still in the process of uncurling his limbs (which reminded me a bit of a frog, really) and I was unperturbed against the back of the couch.

"Sit," I commanded him, surprised when he obeyed. "Okay…now bark."

He glared at me. I grinned. And I cracked up when he actually barked like a dog. WuFei just rolled his eyes and started to wander towards the kitchen.

"Lunch, anyone?"

"Me! I'm starving!"

"Ma-Duo, you're always starving," he admonished. "What do you want?"

"Whatever you want to make me."

"And if I decided to serve you cod-liver and oil?"

"I'll shove it up your ass. But if a nice ham sandwich isn't too much trouble, I'd like that."

"Certainly."

I thought about a couple of different things, including Hilde, but I didn't get that overhwhelming sadness that I did. Right now I just felt…better, knowing that something was being done.

It suddenly occurred to me that Heero was staring, and I glanced at him to confirm it. Yeah, he was staring. But why? Did I have something in my nose? I self-consciously looked away for a bit, but when I looked back, he was perusing me like I was some sort specimen underneath a microscope. I blinked like a deer in headlights.

"Uh, Heero?"

He shook his head sharply. "Yeah?"

"You were staring. Something wrong?"

"No…no, I'm fine. I'm going to go help WuFei with lunch. Sit here, okay?"

I wanted to ask him where he thought I would go, but decided against it and only nodded. He hurried off and I nearly fell asleep again by the time WuFei came over to hand me my sandwich on a plate, a handful of chips, a pickle and two cookies. I quirked a grin at him. "Thanks, mom."

"Watch it, Duo…"

I laughed and nearly inhaled the sandwich, only nodding gratefully when he gave me a can of soda. I had a horrible addiction to soda, mostly because I wasn't really allowed any when I was younger-it wasn't a good idea for a Gundam pilot to consume something so unhealthy. From the ages of about eleven to perhaps sixteen (I'm guessing since I'm not quite exactly sure how old I am), I had nothing but healthy, leafy foods, wholegrain breads and cereals, and lots of fruits and vegetables. I like all those foods, I really do. Most people hate spinach and I love it. But it was nice to get that piece of candy or that soda every now and then, and in the last couple of years, I've lost most of my soldier awareness, I guess you'd call it, and I truly enjoy sugary foods. Just not too often.

While I ate, I became very aware that the silence was a bit awkward. WuFei was somewhere in the apartment, maybe his and Heero's room, but Heero was sitting a little stiffly in the chair. I threw a chip at him to get his attention.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. Pick up that chip, WuFei will never let you eat in the living room again if you throw food."

I laughed and did as he bid, setting the chip down on the edge of my plate so I wouldn't eat it. I don't care what people say, if it's fallen on the floor, it's inedible. Just my opinion, of course-no five-second-rule for ole Duo Maxwell.

"I probably need to go home and get some clothes, at least, if you're going to make me stay here," I commented. He gave me a look.

"We're not *making* you stay here. I just think it would be the best thing for you right now. If you really don't want to stay, you don't have to."

"No, it's not that, I just don't want to put you guys out. I mean, I know you're…together…and I would hate to intrude on anything." Okay, so I was basically saying `If you guys wanna screw around, don't let me stop you', but I had at least a smidge more tact than that.

"Duo. What do I have to say to make you believe that we *want* you here? We want to help. With anything. Why can't you understand that it's really that simple?"

He asked a simple question, yet I couldn't give a simple answer. It was so complicated, so much a part of my psyche, that I couldn't voice the silly notion that I was basically afraid to lose what I had with them. I was afraid to screw up that friendship that meant the world to me.

He moved closer to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "You are in need right now. I am your best friend. It's in black and white, Duo Maxwell-you need me and I am here. It's as clear as glass."

I wanted to tell him that I didn't need anyone, but the words died in my throat as soon as he began to sing softly in Japanese. It was perhaps the weirdest moment of my life up until then. I guess even *I* hadn't realized the extent of Heero's changes into a true human being. I for one would never have pegged him to sing, especially not in Japanese. It didn't even seem natural for him to being doing it, for him to act so open and…well, caring. It was out of character for him, wildly out of character, and I guess I tensed up and made my apprehension obvious.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why are you singing? I've never heard you sing before."

He shrugged. "When I use Japanese, you seem to relax. I figured that if I sang it, you might go back to sleep. You looked tired." He hesitated. "I'll stop, if you like."

He may have changed a lot, but not into a crooning mother hen. "It's not that, it's just…weird. I've just never heard you do that."

"He sings to me," a new voice said, and I looked over to see WuFei standing in the doorway with a very strange expression on his face. "It's not surprising he'd sing to *you* as well."

I suddenly got the impression that he was hostile. "Did I piss you off again and not realize it?"

"No, of *course* not. Don't be silly." He moved and sat down in the chair, picking up a small hardback book. "Sing to him, Heero, it obviously *helps*. Like you said."

I blinked. I had one Asian acting like a Japanese Frank Sinatra, and I had another Asian pissed off ready to go kung fu on my ass. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve it.

"WuFei, if I've offended you, I'm sorry," I apologized, waiting for him to look at me but he never did. I've insulted him before and hadn't known it-like when I left my chopsticks in my bowl of rice-but he'd never just ignored me before. "WuFei?"

"I heard you."

I could feel Heero tensing up. "You're not angry at him. You're angry at me. Let's go talk in the bedroom."

Ah. A fight was brewing. Hadn't they ever had a fight before? If not, it was a simply wonderful time to start.

Sarcasm again. Get used to it.

WuFei stood up and snapped his book shut before stalking off, and I had to nudge Heero to get him to move. Apparently that really *was* their first fight. And I needed to make myself scarce in case yelling started.

Knowing that Heero would probably freak out, I scribbled a quick note about giving them some privacy and running back to my apartment for a few things I'd need. I told him to call me when things settled down. I also apologized again to WuFei, just to be safe, and I put on my shoes and left as quietly as I could.

**

[1] = Yes, the strawberry ice-cream is on purpose. In Asuka Kureru's absolutely amazing fic Walking the Tightrope, she states that ichigo-the words one and five in Japanese-also means strawberry. Therefore, 1x5 scenes are strawberry scenes (go read that story, it's fucking amazing). So if Duo's eating strawberry ice-cream, Duo is eating ichigo, and Duo is eating 1x5. Being a hentai is fun!!!

A/N: Ha. That's all. Enjoyed it? Give me a review. Hated it? Give me a review. I crave them. I know I said I wouldn't post this until part three was done, but I've been getting some e-mails all but begging me to post, so I'll put you all out of your misery. Part two's done. Part three won't be up for a while, so just be patient, my young grasshoppers! ::huggles all:: Please review! Thanks!

Oh! Also, another note-fanart, no matter what kind, is GREATLY appreciated! I love art for my fics! ::raises eyebrow at Kara, who will possibly never read this story:: THANK YOU FOR SCHOOLGIRL SKIRT HEERO! ::huggles her Kara-sama:: I wuv you! Now you just have to do Heero in a towel, Heero and WuFei making out, Heero naked, Heero in the shower, Heero on a bed of satin, vampire Heero…::trails off and wanders aimlessly::