Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Poisoned Memories: Ghost and Shadows ❯ Part 4 ( Chapter 4 )

Poisoned Memories

 

Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows

 

Author's Notes: I would like to take the time to thank Djaro and wind danger 1981 for their kind reviews. I was actually shocked to get any reviews for this project. No, this is not a `farewell' note. I really, really liked working on this story and I'm definitely going to see it through until the end. I've official decided that I'm going to work on The Road to Kindness Monday through Thursday, and Poisoned Memories on the weekends. I really do feel like PM, especially later chapters, are very important to understanding key moments in TRTK. A couple of these moments have already happened in TRTK (the dream sequence where Duo meets Shi for the very first time being one of them), but there are scenes in the future of TRTK that will make a lot of sense, as well as being darkly ironic and foreshadowy, if you read Poisoned Memories. However, if you're lazy, you can always just e-mail me and ask.

 

 

Part 4

 

 

Shi sat on his bed when they got home and diligently waited for his mother and father to come for him. He was worried about what his parents would say to him, but mostly, he thought that he would take whatever punishment they gave him in stride. He had done something bad and he deserved it. He still couldn't figure out why he had done it.

He remembered the rage he had felt vividly and that terrified him, because the more he thought about it, the more he felt that anger. He hated the emotion, it made him feel hateful and out of control, like there was something hot inside of his gut, eating away at him. He hated everything when he was in those moods and wanted to destroy everything. What his grandfather had done to him had created a hole in his heart that only the fury could fill, but once the anger was gone, the hold became empty again and Shi found that that hollow spot had grown bigger.

What made all of this so bad was that Shi didn't know how to control it. Hitting that boy had been completely automatic. What if he did it again? He didn't want to be that sort of person. He wanted to blame his grandfather for the bitterness and frustration that he felt, but these were his feelings, so no one else could be to blame but himself. Just knowing he had done something so… bad made him feel sick all over. He remembered how hard Cree had grabbed him that day and the thought that, one day, he might become the man because of their blood came to him again.

Was it possible that was had made his grandfather so cruel was in him, too? And… and what if his… perversion was in him, too? What if that was what his love for Vel meant, that he wanted to do… that to him? Shi grabbed one of his pillows and hugged it to his chest as tightly as he could, his body shaking with the volume of his revulsion at his thoughts.

Shi was saved from the wave of nausea that hit him violently when his parents finally came in for their talk. As Anjaleque came into the room, she was momentarily taken aback by the darkness of the room. Though the room was well lit enough because of the open window, all the lights in the room were off. She was further disturbed by how her son looked. Even in the dimness, Shi's face was pale and his eyes were filled with such a dark emotion that Anjaleque wanted to sweep him up in her arms, even though he was too old for that. Then Shi saw her and that emotion seemed to disappear, making her wonder if she had just imagined it. Jonathan turned on the bedside lamp and sat down next to his son. Anjaleque wanted to sit on his other side, but she realized that this would just make Shi feel like they were trapping him.

“Shi, you know that you need to tell your mother and I what happened,” Jonathan said softly, not wanting Shi to think he was mad at him.

Shi refused to ease up on the pillow he was clutching, his knuckles white, which only worried his mother more.

“I know,” he murmured.

“So what happened?” Jonathan prodded.

“Eirie drew me a picture before school,” Shi said, “I showed it to Vel at lunch today. I should have hid it or left it at home or something, but it was a good picture and I liked it. Then that boy took it from Vel. Vel and I tried to get it back, but then he said that I liked Eirie so much, we were probably having sex,” Shi said, talking so fast that he was almost rambling.

Anjaleque flinched at Shi's explanation and shared a sour look with her husband. When Vel had told them that no one really liked Shi, she hadn't imagined someone would say something like that to him. The both of them suddenly understood Shi's anger because they felt it, too. But that still didn't make it ok… she once again thought back to Vel's observations that something was wrong with Shi. Would he have punched that boy if he hadn't been… different in some way? She didn't think so, but maybe she was just biased.

“And what he said made you feel angry enough that you hit him,” Jonathan summarized.

This time, it was Shi who flinched.

“I hadn't meant to,” Shi said in a small voice, “I'm sorry I did it. I never meant to hurt him. My stomach just felt so hot and… and I was so angry, but I never wanted to punch him! Is he ok?”

Anjaleque found a small ray of hope in Shi's voice. Vel had told them that he had been remorseful, but now she knew for sure, and any pretense of punishing him vanished at the sound of her child near tears over his guilt.

“His nose is broken, but he'll be fine once the swelling goes down. But Shi, we taught you better than that,” Jonathan said, but his tone made it clear that he wasn't mad, “We don't hit people, you know that and I know you know that. I also know that there is something bothering you, something worse than some school yard bully. Your mother and I need to know, not just because it's affected you enough to hit someone, but because it's obvious to us that it's hurting you. What is it? You know we can make it better.”

Jonathan's voice was soothing, using the tone he always had that could make his sons confess to anything, but this time, Shi just buried his face in his pillow and refused to say a word. His father was alarmed at how Shi's body tensed like a violin string instead of becoming comforted. It was almost as though Shi was more scared of them finding out what the bad thing was than the thing itself. Anjaleque opened her mouth to protest his silence, to demand that Shi tell them what was wrong, but her words caught in her throat when Jonathan put his arm around his son and pulled him close against his side.

Shi lifted his head from his pillow and the torment in his eyes was so deep and disturbing, Anjaleque was breathless in the face of it. She had never thought of her son being capable of ever looking like that, let alone what terrible thing could have happened to him to put that look there. Was he just being sensitive or… or was it really that bad?

“I know that there are some things that you feel you can never tell your parents. I've been there, too, sweetheart. There have been things that I still haven't told my parents, but that isn't a bad thing. It certainly isn't something I'm going to punish you for. But Shi, if you're ever ready to talk, your mother and I are here for you, always. You do know that, don't you?” Jonathan's voice was soothing and Shi felt himself relaxing a little in the face of his father's constant kindness, and the relief that they weren't going to force him to tell them.

It was hard enough not to. Now that he was being pressured to, he felt the desire to unload his heavy heart to his parents, but all of the reasons he had had to begin with for not telling them were still there. He nodded to his father.

“I know,” he murmured.

He knew that he would always be able to tell them what was eating at him, it was the part afterward that kept him from actually saying anything. He felt the tightness in his chest ease even more when his father brushed his long bangs back with long fingers that were a lot like Shi's and kissed his forehead.

“So… you aren't mad at me?” Shi asked.

“No, honey, we're not mad,” his mother said, sharing a look with his father, as though she was looking for confirmation, “We're… upset, but we aren't mad.”

“Are you going to ground me?” Shi questioned, almost shyly.

His father sighed.

“Is punishing you going to make you think twice about punching someone more than you are already?” he asked.

Shi shook his head.

“I know it was wrong. Vel said he would make sure I never did it again, but even if he doesn't, I don't ever want to do it again!” Shi vowed.

“Then we'll let you off this once,” Jonathan said.

“C-can Vel come over Saturday, when Granddad leaves?” Shi asked, feeling like he was pushing his luck, but his mother smiled.

“That's fine,” she agreed.

Shi felt like this incredible weight had been lifted from his heart when his parents left his room. Of course, there was still an enormous weight there, but just knowing that no one was mad at him and he wasn't in trouble lifted his spirits. He fell back on top of his bed and closed his eyes. Everything would be ok. He just couldn't go back to school for two days, but if he could just figure out how to control his anger, it would be fine.

He was scared of himself, of what he had done. He knew that if he opened his eyes, he would end up looking at his hands and remembering what it had felt like to hit that boy, how wrong and how good it had felt. He didn't want to remember that. He didn't want to know that he was capable of that sort of hatred.

He just had to deal with his grandfather, with this Saturday, he told himself. After that, Vel would sleep over and everything would be fine. And yet, it was hard for him to really believe that. Vel would make things better, yes, he believed that with every inch of his soul, but eventually, he would leave, and Shi knew that the darkness in his head would find him again.

For the first time in their entire friendship, Shi wondered if he should be friends with Vel. What if his dirtiness rubbed off on his best friend? What if he ended up hurting him, which was unthinkable, but too terrible to risk? Shi squeezed his eyes closed tighter. No, he wouldn't think of that, of any of it. He couldn't bear to let Vel go. He was a part of the little bit of good in his life that his grandfather hadn't completely tainted. He let the thought go, but it remained in the back of his mind, poking and scratching him.

 

*****

 

“We're terrible parents,” Anjaleque said in a low voice to her husband once they were far enough from Shi's room that he couldn't hear them talking.

Jonathan snorted.

“Because we wouldn't punish our son for something he is already beating himself over?” he quipped.

“Yes,” she sighed, “Ursula and my father would have punished their children sternly for doing such at thing.”

“Thankfully, we are not your sister or your father,” he responded.

Anjaleque quirked an eyebrow at him.

“ “Thankfully”?” she asked in slight annoyance, though she was well aware of how he felt towards her family.

“Your sister was a bully,” he reminded her, “When you were eight, she pushed you off a tree and you broke three ribs. When you were a baby, she locked you in the basement closet and it took your mother hours to find you. And your father-,”

“What about my father?” she prodded testily, “He's changed. He's so good with our boys-,”

“He was terrible with you,” Jonathan retorted, “He not only put a responsibility on you that should have been his merely because of his chauvinistic beliefs, he put both your life, and your brother's life, in harm's way by not getting Odin the help he needed! He only sought you out because he drove everyone else away, but you found enough kindness in your heart to forgive him.”

“That's a good enough reason,” Anjaleque murmured, but she didn't sound convinced.

“Is it?” Jonathan questioned, “You love him and you want things to work out between the two of you, I get that, but I don't like him and I don't trust him. A few nights babysitting isn't going to endear him to me.”

“Well, one of us has to have a decent relationship with our fathers,” Anjaleque insisted, “And since your father refuses to talk to you…”

“Why? Were things so bad before your father showed up? I thought we were doing fine by our children. And Eirie may like playing with him, but Shi is so withdrawn when he visits, haven't you noticed? I don't blame him. Eirie's young, but to Shi, the man is still a stranger. I think his curiosity is making it worse. You should tell him why Cree has taken nine years to show up,” he pointed out.

“No,” Anjaleque confessed, “Things weren't so bad before, but you know what my father has done for us, and it isn't the night outs or the babysitting. Things are so bad now… even with your job, money is tight. Eirie needs toys to play with, good food, and all sort of things that children his age need just to grow right! My father is willing to help us out, John. What's going to happen when they decrease both our pay next year and when they raise taxes two months from now? And have you thought about Shi? How were we going to afford new clothes for him when he goes through his first growth spurt? He's already growing out of his old ones because he's so tall. I know he doesn't like my father very much, but he just has to get used to him. And my father is different than how he was. He's making things better for us and he loves his grandchildren.”

“I know, Anna,” Jonathan sighed, “And I appreciate what he's done, but even if he has my gratitude, I don't think he'll ever have my trust, not for a good, long time. Do you get what I'm saying? I don't want to be compared to him. Cree would punish Shi for what he did because he wouldn't care about the circumstances. The guy only sees the world in black and white. Shi broke a rule, so he should be punished, and who cares why he did it in the first place? Who cares that he was angry and now he's scared and feeling guilty?”

Anjaleque bit her lip at her husband's assessment of her father, but she knew it was true, which only made it more painful.

“I can't be that sort of father, love,” Jonathan explained, “I won't be the kind of man who chastises and hurts his children, knowing it won't even teach them anything. Isn't that what punishment is about, correcting a wrong, a bad behavior? Well, Shi knows that what he did was wrong and he's already promised that he'll try to never do it again. What would punishing him accomplish?”

“I know you're right,” Anjaleque said, “But that doesn't mean that I don't still feel like I'm doing something wrong.”

Their tense conversation was swiftly interrupted as Eirie came running down the hallway, his hands full of his colored pencil case and a pad of drawing paper, and crashed into his daddy's leg.

“Whoa, there, Champ,” Jonathan chuckled, keeping Eirie still with his leg, “What's your rush?”

“I need to ax Shi a question!” Eirie explained.

“That's `ask', honey,” Anjaleque corrected, too amused by Eirie's excitement to scold him for running so fast.

Eirie often mixed up words that sounded alike and Anjaleque had often worried that he wasn't learning like he was supposed to, but Jonathan's aunt, who worked with children with learning disabilities, had assured them that Eirie was actually quite smart. He learned things phonetically and usually used what he learned correctly, but when he was excited, he thought too fast and got things mixed up. When he grew older, she had explained, he would grow out of it.

“Well, alright, then,” Jonathan let Eirie go, who continued to run into Shi's room.

Anjaleque sighed.

“Maybe we should give Shi some space…” she mused out loud.

“It's fine. It'll be good for Shi to spend some time with his brother. He seems to be more… relaxed when Eirie's with him. It's the same when he's with Vel,” Jonathan pointed out.

“But why?” Anjaleque questioned, “Why can't he just be who he used to be?”

“It's easier for him to be around kids his age, but he's only friends with Vel and Eirie. He probably feels like adults can't understand, even us,” Jonathan mused.

Anjaleque looked over to Shi's room with an expression of deep worry. She didn't like this at all. Shi talked to her about everything. That fact had been abundantly clear when he had asked her about love. He had asked with such intelligence and such innocence, but now… there was something different about him, something in his eyes, almost like darkness… but no, it was just in her mind, she was sure. It was just her anxiety over her son's sudden change of attitude, something that she hadn't even truly noticed until Vel had brought it up. Was she so incapable at being a mother that something had changed her son, probably forever, and she never would have noticed on her own?

Jonathan put a hand on her shoulder and she closed her eyes in happiness. This was a part of what she loved about him. She didn't have to say a thing, but she knew that he understood how much she was suffering. They walked down the hall to the kitchen, Anjaleque feeling comforted, but still overrun with anxiety.

 

*****

 

Shi was still lying flat on his bed, his eyes closed, when Eirie came running into his room. His legs were completely dangling off the bed with his feet flat on the floor, making his back ache, but he didn't care. Truthfully, compared to the dark thoughts whirling around in his head, he could barely feel the ache in his long back at all. At the sound of little feet running at him, he quickly sat up, the dark thoughts submerging deep inside of himself as he devoted all his attention to his baby brother.

“Shi, what color are clown fish?” Eirie nearly shouted at him.

The tall blonde blinked at him in confusion at the odd question.

“Um… orange with white stripes, I think. Why?” he asked, completely puzzled about why his little brother wanted to know about tropical fish.

Of course, Eirie always asked a lot of questions and was curious about the world in a way that was quite healthy for a child his age, but the sudden odd question through Shi for a loop. Eirie's eyes went wide at Shi's answer.

“You know everything!” Eirie exclaimed, climbing up on Shi's bed to sit next to him.

Shi blushed at the compliment. His brother was the only one who had ever told him that he was smart. He wasn't, he knew that, so Eirie's praise hit him in the gut.

“Not really,” he protested, “I just saw some in a pet store once. Why do you want to know what color they are?”

“'Cause I want to draw them,” the little redhead explained, “They were in daddy's newspaper today, but it was in black and white.”

“Oh,” Shi said dumbly.

He watched silently as Eirie grabbed some color pencils out of the black and red butterfly tin their mother's mother had sent him for his third birthday, his tongue poking cutely out of the corner of his mouth as he searched for just the right shade of orange.

“Um… Eir'? I'm sorry, but I lost the picture you drew for me this morning,” Shi apologized, truly guilty about the fact that he had never managed to get the picture from the boy.

He should have made a go for it the second he had knocked the boy down, but he had been so distraught over what he had done, he hadn't even thought about the picture.

“Then I'll make you another one!” the four year old said with a bright smile that made Shi's heart race with happiness.

He had been forgiven, for the second time today. He had no idea how to feel about that. Should he be forgiven… for anything? He didn't feel like he should… for hitting that boy, for not being strong enough to keep himself together after that deal with his grandfather… for losing Eirie's picture… yet Eirie had forgiven him. No, it was more like Eirie had never been upset with him to begin with. Was there anything he could do that would make his brother angry at him?

Shi's heart skipped a few beats. Was he actually thinking of making Eirie mad at him? What would the point of that be? He never wanted that to happen. He loved Eirie and it was the little redhead's unconditional love for him that made him want to be better, it made him hate himself for failing to be better, for failing to maintain Eirie's view of him. But Eirie didn't see his failings, he just… kept on going, believing in him and giving him things, so innocently… It made him glad, so very glad that he had made that deal with his grandfather, because Eirie was still the Eirie he had held in his arms as a helpless baby. Nothing in the world was worth losing himself over like that was.

Shi suddenly felt an incredible depression, love, and tiredness fill him all at once. Eirie continued to draw next to him, completely fixed on the piece of paper. He curled up on his side. He was tired… so tired, but every time he closed his eyes… every time he tried to sleep, he just felt like he had been wide awake, ever since that day, weeks ago. He felt like he was wearing down, like the more time passed him by, the more pieces of himself started to break away. He was trying to hold on, trying to find ways to not think about what had happened… all the ways he was changing and how much he hated this new person he had become.

He awoke, bleary and heavy headed, to his brother shaking him. His red eyes were half slit and there was a small headache building in his skull, he had the feeling he had dreamed something terrible, but he couldn't remember what it was. Whatever it had been, it had been filled with sharp, pointed wire and blood.

“Shi, I'm done!” Eirie's exuberant voice woke Shi up enough that he could sit up without falling back to sleep.

He took the piece of paper from Eirie and felt his heart stop again as he looked at what his little brother had drawn there. It wasn't clown fish, far from it, though Eirie had used some light oranges in the drawing. Instead of the orange, black, and white striped fish, there was a huge looking male lion with red eyes, lying down, his huge paws crossed, and a peaceful look on his regal face. Even stranger, there was a little, red fox kit curled up against the lion's side, like a lion cub would be, content and protected by the huge creature it was lying against, not at all scared that the beast could eat it in one bite. Like all of Eirie's drawings, it was childish, with some proportions a bit off, but amazingly detailed and beautiful, with vibrant colors that suited the two animals.

“It's us!” Eirie informed him.

The little red fox and the big, golden lion… the lion protecting the tiny creature, even if it seemed ill suited for any sort of… affection, with its size and teeth and claws… Shi's heart filled with a painful heat. He was broken… not suited for protection anymore, that fight today with that boy had proven to him that he was suited to hurt than help, just like a lion… And he was changing. He could barely sleep, food tasted like ash in his mouth, he was constantly filled with tension, almost like impatience. He felt no joy for the things he had used to love. But… but he still had the people he loved, Eirie, Mom, Dad, Vel… as long as he had these people, he could be human. He could be himself, as long as he loved them, and as long as they loved him. That emotion was better, stronger, than his anger and bitterness and he would embrace it for as long as he could. He hugged his little brother to him.

“Thanks, Eir',” he murmured softly.

 

*****

 

Anjaleque couldn't sleep. They had had a nice dinner together and Shi had seemed better, more lively and less like a ghost, just simply wandering through their world with secret thoughts. But it hadn't made her fears go away and they had carried over to her sleep, or lack of. She heard her husband sigh next to her and felt a small pang of guilt for keep him up as well.

“What's bothering you?” she heard him ask and there was no irritation in his voice, just concern, and she felt him throw a strong arm around her slender waist and he pressed his chest against her back.

Anjaleque smiled a little to herself at his comfort, but the smile vanished as she rolled over to look into his deep green eyes.

“I can't stop thinking about Vel said about Shi, about how he's changed and what Shi did today…” she murmured.

“We just have to be patient,” Jonathan advised, “Sooner or later, Shi will tell us what is going on. He's a good kid, when has there ever been a question in his head that he hasn't, eventually, come to us about? He just needs time.”

Anjaleque turned on her side to face him.

“But what if we don't have time?” she asked in a small voice.

Jonathan gave her a puzzled look. Anjaleque swallowed roughly.

“What if… what if Shi is like my brother? What if he's… losing himself?” she choked out and the fear in her voice, the helplessness made Jonathan hold her tighter and stroke her cheek with one hand.

“Don't say that,” he soothed, “What happened to your brother will never happen to our children.”

“That's what my parents thought,” she muttered, “But he went mad anyway. It was bad enough when he was a kid. He was so distant from everyone but me. But even with me… he acted like he loved me, but I eventually realized that it was more like obsession. He clung to me, for reasons I couldn't understand. But it was like he was drowning, and the more he clung to me, the more he was pulling me under, too. And now, Shi's pulling away from us, too. He's so good with Eirie, but he's still pulling away…”

Jonathan shook his head, almost in denial.

“No, Shi isn't like that,” he protested, “And his relationship with Eirie isn't like the one you had with your own older brother. Shi cares for Eirie, he would do anything for him. It isn't obsession, just love.”

“But what if we're wrong?” she argued, “What if he's sick and we're too… stubborn to see it? Like my father… he couldn't believe that his only son was ill. He tried to deny it, so he never sought him help. What if we do the same thing to Shi?”

`No,' Jonathan thought angrily, `Cree didn't deny Odin care because he was hurting and in denial, he did it because of his own pride, because he couldn't dare let the world know that one of his precious family had a flaw. It was too shameful, too ugly, he locked Odin away so no one would know, because he was selfish, not because he loved Odin too much and was scared of him being sick.'

He didn't say these thoughts out loud, didn't dare upset his wife that much, but he believed those thoughts more than Anjaleque's beliefs. Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly fair for him to think that way about his father in law, but he would never be cozy with the man, no matter what he did for them. He appreciated his presence, but he sure didn't like him. He had been there when the bastard had called Anjaleque to tell her that her brother had killed himself. He had been there when she had screamed at him, only hearing her side of the conversation. He had been there when she had slammed the phone on the receiver and had started to sob. How could he ever forgive his father in law for something like that?

“We won't do the same thing,” he insisted, “I already told you, we won't ever be your father. If Shi needs help, I'll do whatever I have to do to give it to him. We won't let him down. But Shi isn't like that. He's not sick, Anna, you have to see that. He especially isn't mentally ill, not like your brother.”

Anjaleque smiled bitterly.

“You didn't see Odin towards the end. He kept getting more and more violent with everyone around him, he was just filled with this… dark tension, like he carried a deep secret, but his mind wouldn't let him actually say it. So, instead, he delved into this… fantasy world of insanity. At least, that's what I saw and wanted to believe, that my brother wasn't so much mad as hiding from reality, but I guess it's the same thing. He told me once that our family was cursed… and I often wondered if he was trying to tell me something else, something that he was too scared to say,” she laughed with dark tone to it, “I guess I'll never know. Maybe he was just crazy and it had nothing to do with reality at all, it was just his time… his mind's time to leave us. Maybe I did love him, but he terrified me, too. On the day you proposed to me, I went back home to tell my father about it. Odin was in his room like he always was in those days. Dad insisted on him staying there, he didn't like him… wandering around the house. He didn't even eat with us anymore.

“It was like Dad wanted him… quarantined, like he could infect the rest of us, and Odin did as he was told. Even losing his sanity, he listened to our father, just as he always did. That day, I thought he was the same as always, unhinged, but… manageable. Dad was on the phone with one of his business contacts and we all knew better than to interrupt him, so I decided to check up on my brother, like I was supposed to. Even then, I was such a `good little girl',” she said mockingly, “Odin was a rambling mess, as usual, talking about things that I couldn't even try to make a sense of, and suddenly, all I could think of was you,” silent tears tracked down her cheeks and Jonathan felt pain spread inside of him for her, “All I could think of was how good you made me feel and how much I wanted to be away from all that mess. I snapped at him, told him that I couldn't take care of him anymore, that I was leaving him. It was so selfish of me. I never should have said that to him. He was so fragile… too fragile. He was dangerous and violent, but he was like a child and he relied on me, and I just… I took it all away from him.

“He came at me with a knife,” her voice, previously filled with an incredible sorrow, became haunted, “He said that he couldn't let me go, that we would be together, always. If I hadn't been so close to the door… I don't know what would have happened. He didn't follow me, though, so maybe… maybe he never would have hurt me. But I was so terrified… he had this look in his eye and I knew, for that second, what he was capable of. I ran to my father, but he was only upset for interrupting him when he was on the phone. He slapped me. When I told him about what Odin had tried to do, he just said I was being melodramatic, that I was lying about all of it. That was when I told him about us, about marrying you and having Shi. It just slipped out. Maybe I wanted to hurt him for hurting me, or maybe I was just sick of the lies, both his and my own, I don't know.”

Jonathan felt like a gaping hole had replaced his heart. He cupped his wife's cheek with his hand, his fingers tracing over her skin, wiping up her tears. He kissed her as sweetly and gently as he could, wishing that he could take her pain away from her, but all he had were his kisses and understanding.

“You never told me all that,” he murmured.

“Do you understand now? Shi, our Shi, never would have hit that child. The Odin I had known growing up never would have attacked me with that knife… what if-,” Anjaleque started to say in a panic.

“Shi is not your brother,” Jonathan said in a solid tone, “He never will be. He's sorry, he's in pain because of his actions. He knows what he did was wrong. He isn't crazy.”

“And if he is?” Anjaleque asked.

“Then we'll help him. I won't let our son become your brother. And I certainly won't become your father,” he vowed.

Anjaleque closed her eyes. She still felt so many doubts, so much sorrow, but she believed in her husband. She believed in her new family in a way that she had never believed in her old one.

 

*****

 

There was a cancer growing inside of him. He could feel it, every time he saw his grandfather. There was something deep inside of him, in his heart, spreading each and every one of those times, though it was more like a black hole than a physical mass. Each time he saw him, he thought it would get better, the pain would edge and he would get used to the sex with a man that he hated, but it didn't. It grew worse and worse each time. Sure, the physical pain was almost nothing now, unless his grandfather wanted to make things rough, but his body was getting used to it while his heart never did. Somehow he knew that a hundred years could pass and he would never really get used to it.

At some point, Shi had accepted Cree dragging him into his room or the shed out back as something… ritualistic, the same way he considered waking up for school in the morning or kissing Eirie goodnight. Those visits, those nightmarish moments, happened every week and he knew that they were inevitable. In a short two weekends, he had become… used to it, in a sick sort of way. His third Saturday of hell passed quickly, in a comical sort of way. Cree came, his parents left for dinner, and as soon as Eirie was situated in front of the TV, the fire eyed man had locked them in Shi's room. Their parents had only been gone a few hours this time and Cree had quickly left as soon as they had gone back. It was almost as though he couldn't bear to be around them for any more than he had to, though Shi didn't think it had anything to do with guilt and more with annoyance.

The only strange thing about it, the only part that he knew with absolute certainty that he would never get used to, occurred to him when the doorbell rang shortly after his grandfather had left. His parents were in their bedroom, probably undressing from their fancy clothes. They had only been home for ten minutes and he hadn't come out to greet them yet. That happened a lot, too, when his grandfather visited. Before him, Shi had always greeted his parents with exuberance. True, before now, they had never left Eirie and him by themselves, but when he had come home from school, he had always been so happy to see them, he would end up hugging them both.

Recently, especially on Saturdays, Shi found himself as he was now, curled up either on the bed or the floor, not wanting to talk to anyone, his mind somehow buzzing and eerily quiet all at once. He still felt happy when his parents came home, but that happiness was tainted with relief and sadness. Eventually, a feeling of intense loneliness and alienation would come over him and he would seek them out, but his love fore them felt desperate and hungry and he couldn't help but wonder if that kind of love was ok. It was just one of many things in his life that had maliciously changed on him.
He was curled up on his bed, staring blankly at the design on his quilt, though if anyone asked him, he couldn't tell them what the design was, or even what color it was, when he heard the door bell ring. He was on his feet to answer it in mere seconds, and though he told himself that it had absolutely nothing to do with desperation and loneliness, he knew he was just lying to himself. He got the door before his parents even left their rooms and was rewarded with a familiar, welcome face.

“Hi,” Vel said when Shi flung open the door.

The older blonde was well prepared for their sleepover, his arms wrapped around a deflated air mattress and a well used duffle bag slung over his shoulder. His usually well brushed hair, insisted by his mother, Shi knew, was slightly mussed from running. The second he had seen Shi's grandfather's car leave their driveway, he had gathered ups his things and left his house. He hadn't bothered to tell his mother that he was leaving, knowing she wouldn't come looking for him no matter what he did. He wondered if she would even notice he was missing, but doubted it. Vel felt a pang of terrible bitterness, but it vanished when Shi's face broke out into a smile.

Suddenly filled with an intense love for his best friend, which lit up the shadows in his heart, Shi hugged the other boy tightly, air mattress and all. He heard Vel squeak in surprise, but he only found it incredibly cute and thought that he didn't ever want to let go of him. It struck him at that moment, the way it did every time he saw Vel after his grandfather's visits. It was so hard having Vel and Cree exist in the same space… the same life. It often made Shi feel like he had a split personality or something. He knew he would never get used to the bitterness he felt towards his grandfather for daring to so much as breathe the same air as Vel.

But it was more than that. He still felt exactly the same for Vel as he always had. Everything he had loved had faded away into nothingness… flatness… but his love for Vel was just as brilliant and intense as ever. How could that be possible? He didn't want to have sex ever again, hadn't he thought that a hundred times in the past three weeks, ever since he had found out what sex really was?

Sex was dirty and painful, humiliating and full of sorrow and regret. He could never have something like that… he could never do something like that to Vel. His best friend deserved so much more. So, if he no longer wanted sex, why did he love Vel… why did he want him so deeply? It didn't make any sense to him. Maybe he had loved Vel back when sex had been something pleasant, a display of affection, but how could he now? Did wanting something like that mean he was a pervert, knowing it hurt so much, but loving someone anyway? He loved Vel, he knew that much. Maybe it was the only thing he would ever know. If Vel and his family found out that he had had sex with his grandfather, they would stop loving him, but he never would stop loving them, he could put trust in that, even if he didn't understand the motives behind those feelings.

“Hello, Vel,” his father's voice, coming from behind him, broke Shi out of his thoughts.

“Hello, Mr. Matthews,” Vel said shyly once Shi had released him.

“Have you already eaten?” Anjaleque asked, standing beside her husband.

Vel walked into the house and Shi closed the door behind him. The older boy hesitated at the question. He didn't want to lie to the two adults that had always been so kind to him, but he also didn't want to tell them how he had worked hard on his homework, just so he could play with Shi for as long as possible, and his mother had made dinner, but hadn't told him. So, by the time he had finished and had gone downstairs, Taka and his mother had finished eating and there was noting left for him. No, he didn't want to tell Mr. and Mrs. Matthews about that. He didn't want them pitying him.

“No, I didn't eat before I left,” he said with a shake of his head, “But that's ok.”

A sad look came across Anjaleque's face and she shook her head. If it had been one of her boys, she would have wanted them to eat before they left, or promise her their friend's parents were going to serve them dinner. She wondered, not for the first time, if Vel's mother was as cruel and negligent as the boy, unintentionally, made her seem. If there was any truth behind it, it broke Anjaleque's heart, not that the woman was such a terrible mother, but Vel's unbending love for her, and his tolerance of her coldness.

“It's alright,” she soothed, “Shi and Eirie have already eaten, but I won't have you going hungry. Shi's grandfather brought Chinese food and I'm sure there's still some left, even with Shi's appetite.”

Shi knew that his mother was joking, but he still blushed. It was true enough, lately, he was eating more than he usually did. He still didn't taste things like he used to, ever flavor dull and faded, but it was getting better. It was like his taste buds were growing back, though very slowly, he was starting to taste things again. He wondered if he would ever enjoy eating again or if it would remain something that he did out of necessity. There were days, entire days, not just meals, when he would eat like a large, starved tiger and no matter how much he ate, he felt hungry, like he couldn't get food into his stomach fast enough. Today had been like that, but he also had days when he felt so sick, his stomach a tight ball of tension and anxiety, he could barely force himself to drink water.

His father had told him that his hyperactive eating was just a sign that his body was getting ready to grow. Shi didn't know how to feel about that fact. He knew, logically, that a kid like him had a lot of growing to do, but he was already so tall. Why did he have to get any bigger and how much did he have left to grow? His Dad was pretty tall, but Shi didn't want to be too tall. He was already the tallest kid in his entire grade by almost a foot. Sure, being tall had its perks. He could reach things that were too high up for other kids, could score in volleyball and basketball really easily, he was always treated by adults like he was a lot older than he really was, and he was often mistaken for one of the older graders.

But being tall wasn't that great, either. He stood out in a crowd, he was picked on sometimes, sitting at the tables in classes was uncomfortable because he had to bend over constantly just to write anything, his back was always hurting, and people were scared of him because of his height (that or his eyes, he still hadn't figured out which). He glanced over at Vel, who was tall, too, but was also three years older than him, so it was more acceptable. His best friend was blushing, too, but Shi could tell it was from happiness, not embarrassment. Seeing Vel's flushed face made Shi blush even harder.

“Really?” Vel asked excitedly.

He hadn't expected that he would be fed until the morning and he was pretty hungry already. He had thought it wasn't so bad, skipping dinner, as long as he had breakfast the next day. Shi's mom made the best breakfast foods, especially pancakes and waffles. His own mother didn't make them anything anymore. If Taka wanted pancakes, it fell on Vel to make them. His mother said that maple syrup, which Taka absolutely had to have, was too expensive, but if Taka begged for syrup at the grocery store, she always bought it for him, so he had no idea what her reason really was. Maybe it was because, if she made breakfast for his brother, she would have to make it for him, too. But he didn't want to think like that.

“Of course,” Anjaleque said with a smile that made a strange warmth fill Vel's chest.

The two boys followed Shi's mother into the kitchen where she made Vel a plate and heated it up in the oven. Vel wasn't used to such a thing, having most of his dinners coming out of microwaves recently. The Chinese food, though something that he had a least once a weekend anyway, was the best thing he had tasted in weeks. He wondered if it had anything to do with Shi's mother there, making sure he had enough food and milk, or Shi sitting next to him at the table, even though he wasn't eating anything.

It was strange how such a simple thing could be so comforting. He had never had a friend before, even before they had moved, but he had never been lonely for companionship until he had met Shi. He wondered what that meant, if what he was lonely for wasn't really friendship, but Shi's friendship. He thought that, if he had the option of living with Shi instead of his own family, he would take it in a heart beat, no matter what the price was, but he instantly hated himself for wishing for that. No matter how much being in his family hurt, no matter how cold he felt when he was around his brother and mother, how could he want to abandon them? He was just a kid still, but they needed him. Sometimes, his mother forgot to take care of herself and Taka hadn't made any friends at school, yet. They were his family, and he should love them, no matter how much they ended up hurting him.

Besides, it wasn't his mother's fault that she had changed. She was just lonely and regretting her decisions, and his father was just angry at her, so he had lashed out at Vel. They hadn't meant to hurt him, anymore than Taka had meant to make Vel feel so alone. Vel could understand his mother's feelings, because when he was in that house, when Shi wasn't around, he felt alone, too. So how could he ever blame her when she ignored him, forgot about him, or just outright hated him? But still… he loved this place. To him, Shi brought a warmth and stability to his life that he hadn't felt since his father had left them. He loved Shi for that, and he loved his family. It made his hesitate as he ate, as the thought came that Shi's family didn't even matter, he was sure that he would trade his mother and brother just for Shi in a second. That had to be wrong, to prefer living with his friend than his family, but he did. Did that make him bad?

He looked over at his best friend. He had his arms folded on the table, his head resting on them, and was staring off into space. His long, golden hair pooled on the table and Vel thought that, if Shi had been at his house, his mother would be screaming at him to have better manners. They never put their elbows on the table or slouched in Vel's house, but Shi's mother wasn't yelling, or even lightly scolding, and Vel wondered what it would be like to get through an entire day without someone, usually his mother, lecturing him about proper habits and righteous behaviors. He didn't think that Shi was being rude, he wasn't even eating anyway. Actually, the posture made him look… Vel didn't think that `pretty' was the right word. Shi certainly wasn't ugly, but the younger boy would probably be annoyed if he equated him with something so girly.

The thought almost made him laugh and he continued eating to mask his smile. He really didn't understand why he was Shi's only friend. He was easily the most… well, attractive was a good a word as any… person in school, even better looking than the girls, Vel thought, and when he was older, he probably be even more striking. Those red eyes that everyone else seemed to hate and fear so much were intense and deep, like they could look into your heart and see all your fears and secrets. His long hair made him look like a young prince from some far away land, yet he also had a roguish appearance to him, what his mother would call a `bad boy'. He was athletic and friendly, able to make even the most closed off person laugh until they were in tears, Vel knew that quality very well. He thought that Shi was the only person left in the world that could make him laugh like that.

So, by all accounts, Shi should have been one of those boys that was destined for popularity, yet everyone was scared of him because of the same things that had drawn Vel to him. He couldn't understand it. It wasn't just confusing, it was almost painful at how unfair it was. Vel, with his shyness, had never expected to have many friends at all. And even if he did, he had thought when he had first moved to this town, how could he possibly explain his family to them? But Shi had understood. His family was perfect, unflawed and filled with love without a single dark spot, but Shi had accepted him so easily, it made him wonder if there was any darkness in Shi's heart. Sure, he had hit that boy, but he had regretted it immediately. For all his quickness to anger, he was just as quickly capable of forgiveness and affection.

“Done?” Anjaleque asked, suddenly standing right next to Vel.

Vel nodded, then blushed darkly as she leaned over him to take his plate from him. Her fire colored braid slipped over her shoulder and brushed his neck as she passed. For a moment, he felt overwhelmed by the evidence of her beauty and wondered if that was where Shi got his, even though his friend looked more like his father.

“Shi, why don't you take your game into your room?” his mother suggested as she started to do the dishes, “Eirie should be asleep by now, so don't make too much noise.”

“Ok,” Shi said with a happy nod.

Vel obediently followed him into the living room, where Shi unhooked the game system from the TV and led him to his room. On the way there, Shi peeked into his little brother's room, making sure that Eirie was sleeping soundly, and quietly closed the door. Shi's obvious care for his little brother made Vel smile and he remembered a time when he readily tucked Taka in as well. Those days were over now, though. His mother always tucked his little brother in recently and, as weird as he felt around Taka lately, he oddly felt like something had been taken away from him.

In Shi's room, the younger boy closed the door behind them and plugged in the game system. He brought up the expandable screen and turned on the familiar racing game he and Eirie often played. He put it on his desk so he and Vel could sit on his bed while they played. Vel put his things on the other side of the room and started to inflate the air mattress. It would only take a couple of seconds, but Vel was the sort of person that always planned ten steps ahead. He guessed that his friendship with Shi was a little strange. They were just so different. Shi was rambunctious and spontaneous while Vel was collected and organized. On the outside, one would think that such two people would fight all the time and have an unstable friendship, but it was like they balanced each other out. When Vel sat down on the bed, Shi felt an upsurge of panic overcome him. He wanted to scream at him not to touch it, not to touch the dark, dirty place, and he had to grip the controller in his hand and bite down on his lower lip to keep from doing anything.

Vel sat and Shi held his breath, but nothing happened and he quickly released it. He didn't know what he had been expecting, it was just a bed, not a chasm, and he felt silly for his irrational fears. He sat down next to his best friend and they started to play. Shi blushed as their arms touched because they were sitting so close to each other. He tried to concentrate on the game, but it was hard with the boy sitting right next to him. He wasn't even sure what his heart was thinking, but it was racing. They were the same height and it made Shi wonder if there would come a time when he would be the taller one. He thought that that would be kind of weird considering he was younger, but maybe it could happen.

The thing was, even though his mother and brother were short, his father, aunt, and grandfather were really tall. He wondered if he would be as tall as his grandfather one day. It was possible, he told himself, after all, they were blood relatives, so it was entirely possible that he had some of his grandfather's traits, but that possibility hurt just to think about. Cree was a monster in height, build, and strength. He could feel it every time the raven haired man fucked him. It wouldn't be so bad, he thought, if his grandfather wasn't also a monster in thought and heart, too. He didn't want to be anything like him, in any sense at all. Even the color of his eyes scared him now because it was a link to his grandfather, to the past that he was maddeningly curious about, terrified of, and no one would speak to him of.

Shi glanced over at Vel. It wasn't the first time he had thought that maybe, just maybe, he had more in common with his grandfather than just eye color. His grandfather was usually calm to the point of cold professionalism, as though he were used to being in complete control of his world, and everyone else's as well. But he was also very capable of anger. Shi saw it in his eyes whenever anyone dared to disobey him. It was like he was actually shocked, like the possibility of disobedience was impossible to him. He easily remembered when he had tried to fight back the day they had met, how his grandfather had grabbed him and how he had wondered afterwards, had he kept struggling, would Cree have broken his shoulder.

That incident the previous day came to his mind easily as he felt the phantom pain in his shoulder. He remembered the incredible rage he had felt at that older boy, how it had filled his cold heart with painful, searing heat. He remembered how that powerful emotion had, for a few minutes, turned him completely insane. He remembered the blood on the boy's face and the twisted fear and happiness in his own chest he had felt when he realized he had hurt him, that he had caused another person pain.

Shi looked away from Vel quickly, loosing control of his car and almost crashing. Was he really so much like his grandfather? He couldn't deny that he had felt real rage and hatred to the point of physical violence, but did that really mean that his grandfather was his destiny? What if he tried really, really hard to be like his father, who, in Shi's mind, was as far away from Cree as you could get? But his father, who was so patient, understanding, kind, and gentle, would never ever use violence as any sort of means, even in anger. No matter how badly he and Eirie misbehaved, he never yelled, never hit. He could be hard, but he was never cruel and he never punished them unfairly. How could he ever hope to become his father when he had already crossed that line separating the man he loved the most, and the boogieman?

And would it stop with the anger, with the violence and the dark thoughts, or was he destined to become the monster that hurt him again and again? Did his love for Vel mean he would become… become a rapist, too? Had what Cree done to him even count as rape? He kept calling it that, but in reality, if Vel or his parents found out about it, would they see it that way? Shi's fingers tightened on the game controller and the sounds of the game faded into buzzing, mindless noise. He had never wanted to have sex with Cree. In his heart, in his most secret fantasies, he had thought and seen himself losing that magical thing called `virginity', a thing he hadn't even understood at the time, with Vel. Just Vel, no one else, not even the most beautiful girl he could dream up. And Cree had stolen that from him. But you couldn't steal something if it's just given to you, right? But he had wanted to give it to his best friend…

He had consented. His grandfather had asked him if he would do it. He had been given a choice. He hadn't been forced, like those girls on the news. He could have said no and walked away. He would have hated himself forever… but really, could he have sold out his baby brother? How could he possibly know? Just the thought made him feel sick and dirty, but so had the sex. He hadn't been able to give up Eirie back then because he loved him and betrayal was beyond him.

But now… now he knew what rape was, how it felt… how it changed everything and he wouldn't wish it on anyone, even someone he hated. How could he do that to Eirie? But still… Cree had given him the choice, had given him the power and responsibility of choice.

And he had said yes. He had said yes. If you said yes, it couldn't rape… right? Right? Was he a whore, then? Or a slut, or whatever they were called? Every Saturday, he let that man have sex with him and said it was to protect Eirie, but still… he had the choice. Then, after all this time blaming his grandfather… was he the bad guy after all? Did he… like it, returning to it over and over without so much as considering saying no, just once? But, it hurt… it hurt so bad… He was so confused. Was he a good person or a bad one? Was Cree evil or was Shi the evil one, the dirty one? He felt like he was going insane… And Vel… to him, would he…

“Shi?” Vel's worried voice broke through Shi's dark thoughts, but didn't destroy them.

Shi blinked at him and realized that he had dropped his controller and hot tears were pouring down his cheeks.

“Shi…” Vel's voice immediately changed from worry to outright alarm.

He had never seen Shi cry, in the entire two years they had been friends. He didn't know what to think, what to do, all he knew was that his best friend, his only friend, the only person who had ever tried to understand him, was in pain. He didn't even know why, but his own heart hurt just to see that stricken expression. He didn't know how to fix it, to make him stop crying, he just didn't know what he was supposed to do.

“What's wrong?” he demanded.

Shi shook his head, still silently crying. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how embarrassing it was that Vel could see him crying, he just couldn't stop.

“Don't,” he pleaded, “It's nothing.”

Vel narrowed his bi-colored eyes at his friend, annoyed that Shi was lying to him. He knew that something was wrong, he had known it for weeks, but he couldn't make Shi tell him. But even if he didn't know, that didn't mean he couldn't help, that he couldn't be a friend.

Shi's eyes widened in shock as Vel suddenly pulled him into a tight hug. He hesitated for a second. His heart was beating wildly, like some sort of crazed, trapped animal. Vel was holding him. He could feel his warmth and his comfort, his solid form holding him, offering whatever he needed to make the pain stop. He finally brought his own arms around the other boy, his fingers digging into the shirt that clothed his back. He hadn't cried since that night. Why now? He had to ask himself that. Why was he crying now, in front of the one person he never wanted to show such a weakness to?

But then again, if he could show weakness to anyone at all, it would be Vel. He trusted him, with everything, even with his heart and his secrets, with his vulnerability. He trusted him like no one else, even his parents. That realization made him cry harder and he buried his face in Vel's shoulder. In that instance, he wanted to tell Vel his secret more than he ever had before. It was on the tip of his tongue, burning to be released. His fear made him bite down on it, his fear of rejection, though right now, it seemed so small and silly. He just… he loved him so much. In the face of Vel leaving him, what his grandfather had done to him seemed so uselessly small. His heart felt like it was overflowing with the volume of his feelings for his best friend. Maybe that was why he was crying, not because he wanted to tell Vel the truth, but because he was terrified of ever hurting him, and consumed with sorrow that he had nothing left to give, no way to show him just how much he loved him.

Would there come a time when he would hurt Vel like Cree had hurt him? Would he be consumed by the desires in his heart and end up taking from Vel what he should give freely? But there was more than one desire inside him. He wanted Vel, he wanted to know what that terrible thing would feel like with him, if it would be different. He wanted to know if he could make Vel feel good, even if it caused him only pain. But, more than that, he wanted to protect Vel. That desire was stronger than any other, so was it even plausible that one day, he would become… Cree, and hurt the one he loved? How could he possibly know? Should he distance himself from his friend, from this warmth and love, just because of a possibility? But that possibility was so terrible, so evil, how could he risk his safety? If he could just know, could find some way to test himself…

Shi unwrapped himself from Vel and looked into his contrasting eyes. There was a way. There was something he could do, something so very different from what his grandfather liked to do to him, but still, a test. No, it was more than just a test. Much more than that. He could kiss him. Just one kiss, then maybe he would know. If he could do it, and not want… that from Vel, then maybe he would know if he could control his urges. If he still wanted to protect Vel, more than he wanted to have something… intimate with him after that, then he would be safe… right? And it wasn't just that… he wanted to do it. Maybe he always had, from the moment his mother had told him that a boy could like another boy. He wanted to know what it felt like. It was the one thing his grandfather never did. He had kissed his stomach and his forehead, even both his shoulders, but never his lips. And he wanted to know, if it would be good, it if was like on TV and it was special and beautiful. He needed something beautiful.

His parents did it all the time. Eirie was too young to see it as anything but mushy, but lately, Shi had started to wonder if they did it because it felt good, or just because, since they were married, they were supposed to. He wanted to know if it was as good as everyone said. Of course, people said that sex was nice, too, but it wasn't. Not really. But maybe kissing would be different. He wanted to know if Vel's lips were as soft as they looked. And wouldn't it be wonderful if Vel liked it, too? It would be the best thing on Earth if Vel didn't mind, didn't hate him afterwards. And if he did, he could just say he was curious, and that was the truth. Kissing you could take back, not that he ever wanted to. No, if they kissed, he would hold that memory close to his heart forever and ever, for as long as he could remember it. But screwing… especially with his grandfather, he was pretty sure if you told someone that, you couldn't take it back no matter what you said. He needed to know… even if the truth was ugly, for a moment, he was sure he could experience something wonderful and beautiful, for the first time since that night…

“Shi?” Vel asked in confusion when the younger blonde put his hands on his shoulders and leaned in a little.

Shi paused for a moment, but didn't let go of Vel's shoulders. He could think that he wanted to kiss him, but in reality, he had no idea what he was doing. He had never really cared for romance scenes on TV, and like Eirie, he looked away when two people kissed, because it was just gross. But he wasn't that little kid anymore. You just had to press your lips to another's person, right? Somehow, it seemed like there was more to it than that. His heart thumped unpleasantly as he finally closed the distance between Vel and himself.

Vel's eyes slipped close as Shi invaded his personal space, though it was gentle and slow, not abrasive. He didn't have time to act at all, but even if he had, when Shi's lips brushed against his, his mind went blank and all he could think of was how it felt. At first, he felt completely thrown off his feet. His mind was yelling at him that Shi was three years younger than him and Vel himself was probably too young for this kind of thing, but the kiss wasn't one of a nine year old. Shi didn't mash his lips against his, like a little kid trying to mimic something he didn't understand. The kiss was gentle and intimate, the kiss of someone who held no doubts in their heart, but also a lot of curiosity and nervousness.

His common sense was screaming at him to shove Shi away, the boy had no idea what he was doing, what the kiss meant, he was just curious, as any little kid would be, but that voice was small and pitiful compared to what his heart was telling him. This was Shi, it said. Shi was mature beyond his years, and even if he weren't, it didn't feel wrong. If he didn't like it, didn't want it, shouldn't it feel wrong? Instead, his chest felt like it was on fire, but it wasn't burning, just warm and pleasant, though intense. His heart told him to hold Shi close, to show him all he knew about kissing, which wasn't much, but was probably more than Shi knew.

Instead, he stayed still, terrified that if he moved, Shi would lose his courage. The other boy's hand was still on his shoulder, but it wasn't tight or hurtful. Then there was the kiss itself. It was a bit more than a brush of the lips, but it wasn't harsh or wet, just gentle and affectionate. Shi's lips were soft and Vel could feel his friend's heat on his cheeks and neck. Shi's silken hair brushed his ears and the side of his neck, like a caress. Vel's heart was thundering at all of this and he felt like it was in his legs and his stomach, not just his chest, and he felt like he was going to explode with something that he had no name for. Without even realizing it, he touched Shi's hand on his shoulder with his own, their fingers linking together. Even though he didn't realize he was doing it, he did feel the melting of his heart with that simple touch.

He was in love with Shi. Vel's eyes shot open at that shocking realization, but they quickly slid closed again as the warmth of that love overwhelmed him. He loved Shi. He couldn't deny that, there was no point in denying it. Not now, with the younger boy kissing him in a way that was definitely not friendship, and his heart pounding, loving his touch more than anything he had ever experienced before. He liked it. In that moment when Shi's lips had met his, all thoughts of loneliness and longing had fled him and he could only focus on his best friend. Already, he wanted more. Had this always been there? He couldn't deny that Shi had always made him feel good inside and their relationship had been very intimate and special. Had he always loved him?

Vel wasn't moving away, Shi thought in relief, but he hadn't done it right. He should have asked him if it was ok, instead of just… leaping on him like that. But he had been so nervous and if he had asked, what would he have done if Vel had said no? Maybe he would still be angry, even if he wasn't moving away? He ended the kiss with that thought, of Vel being angry, and tried to move away, an apology already on his tongue. He wouldn't apologize for the kiss, because it had been the best thing ever, better than video games or apple pie or anything else he could think of, but he would apologize for not asking for Vel's permission. Because he never wanted to be the sort of person who took like that. But he had loved it, more than he had thought he would. It didn't hurt at all. It was no wonder his parents kissed all the time if it felt like that. If only sex felt that good…

Vel felt Shi start to move away and panicked for a second. He grabbed Shi's other wrist, keeping him still, and deepened the kiss as much as he dared to. Neither really knew what they were doing, and it was a little clumsy, but neither of them cared. Pure joy and love burst in Shi's chest at Vel's returning kiss. In that moment, the dark in his heart was overwhelmed by the light and fresh tears poured down his cheeks in relief at the momentary freedom. The most amazing part, he thought, was that, even when they finally parted, that light lingered, even as it mixed with the shadows. And it was beautiful.

“Why did you kiss me?” Vel whispered, his voice rough with emotion.

“Why did you kiss me back?” Shi countered.

Vel looked at him and felt his breath leave him completely. Shi's eyes were sharp and incredibly intense, filled only with one emotion; love. That singularity, in comparison to Vel's swirling feelings of doubt and fear and affection, was powerful. Looking into those ruby eyes, he felt like he was drowning in Shi's love for him, and he was happy to do it.

“I love you,” the words slipped out of Vel.

For a moment, he had the urge to take it back, realizing that everything would change if he didn't, but when Shi hugged him tightly in unfettered joy, he discovered he never would. He never could. He remembered the last few weeks, the darkness in Shi's eyes, the pain in his heart… and now he remembered that incredible joy in Shi's eyes and knew he wouldn't take that from him. If he did… he was sure he would go to hell. And he would gladly go there, because there was nothing wrong with this… if there was… heaven couldn't be worth it. He just wanted to see Shi smile. He would protect that smile… no matter what.

 

 

End Part 4

 

I don't know when Part 5 will be coming out at this point. The more people who review, the more likely it will come out faster. No, that isn't a threat, I'm the kind of author who holds my work hostage for reviews, it's just a fact. A significantly greater amount of people have reviewed and expressed interest in The Road to Kindness, while very, very few have said that they like Poisoned Memories. Reviews are really the only way I can tell if people like it or not, so based solely on reviews, common sense says I should spend more time on TRTK.