Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Razors on his Bathroom Floor ❯ I Can't Help but Lash Out ( Chapter 4 )

   Disclaimer: I don’t own it, I wish I did, but I don’t. Blah blah blah. Warnings: Strong language, lemon (m/m sex), mentions of past attempted ncs, angst, mentions of past cutting/alcohol/drug abuse, non-happy-sappy-what-you-may-want-to-happen-ness.  Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Ch 4 Fingers crawling over his skin, prying him apart, and pushing themselves, lodging themselves into his flesh. He cries out, but his voice is muffled by the wall he’s pushed up against. The fingers press harder and he slams his head into the stall, trying to escape the awful smells and the painful humiliation. But you begged for it, a voice screams in his ear. The worst part is the voice is real. The voice is right. He loves to hurt himself. All the voices that hiss in his ear with mocking contempt argue amongst themselves. Contradicting. Confusing. Don’t back down, don’t give in. Never cry. You are Shinigami, another voice says angrily, why aren’t you fighting back? Do you want it?             No! He shrieks.             He kicks, punches, thrusts, and bites. He leaves him bloody and crumpled on the floor. He runs and never looks back.             A scream tears at his insides and it would be released if there wasn’t a brick on his chest. He struggles to breathe and finally shoots into an upright position. Something lands on the floor and when his eyes clear Duo sees that it’s a big, fat, black cat. He blinks down at the creature and draws back as it turns to hiss at him. It slinks lazily out of the room and Duo is glad to see it go. He’s hated cats for a long time. Back on L2 he had shared the streets with hundreds of stray cats. It was a shame that one thing to mirror earth was the number of stray animals that lived on the streets. As a young boy Duo had tried to play with the cats but had gotten scratched one too many times to really enjoy any of the feline species.               He curls up and pushes his head deep into the pillow. He doesn’t want to get up because then he’ll have to go through the extraneous activity of figuring out what to say to Heero. Right now a conversation seems like too much of a strain on his mentality.           &nbs p; But Duo can’t block out the bright beams of sun that are pushing themselves under his eyes, and the smell of coffee and...breakfast? He’s always had trouble fighting his curiosity. He pulls himself up again, slides out of the bed, and groggily walks down the stairs, rubbing his eyes and swaying tiredly as he goes. His feet hit something fuzzy and he twists on his ankle, gripping the railing to keep from falling. A claw sinks briefly into his foot and Duo kicks at the cats retreating form. ‘There’s a damn cat living in the house. There’s a big-fat-cat living in the house. They even have a fucking cat! A fucking annoying cat at that.’           &n bsp; “So you’re finally awake.” He sees Heero sitting at the coffee table in the living room, typing at his laptop.             “Yeah, thanks to your cat.” Duo mutters sullenly.             ; Heero’s mouth turns up “You’ve met Rio I see.”           &nb sp; “Rio?”          &n bsp;  “Don’t ask. We found him outside one day and made the mistake of feeding him. He never went away.” Heero says with a hint of affection.           &nbs p; “What, has he been training with you too?” Duo says venomously and wipes some blood off of his foot.             Heero sighs “He has a bad temper. We better get that cleaned up.” He stands up and leads Duo through the side door and into the kitchen.             Hmm nice kitchen, Duo muses; ‘I wonder if they eat pancakes and read the newspaper together. I wonder if Fei has discovered the joy of advice columns.’ He laughs and Heero gives him a funny look. “Hey what smells so good ‘Ro?”          &nb sp;  “I made breakfast. Chocolate chip waffles.” He looks embarrassed.           &n bsp; “You made breakfast? Now I know Trowa cooks and maybe even Quatre, but never have I known you to cook. I have known you to threaten me not to cook, but never to actually do it yourself.”          &nbs p;  “Well Wufei won’t do it. Someone has to make the food around here.” Heero says completely matter of fact and shrugs.             Duo’s shock must be apparent by his rapid blinking.             ; “He does dishes and cleans.”              “Wufei cleans!!!” Duo snickers uncontrollably. “Does he wear a maid’s outfit?”              “No.”          &nb sp;  “Oh ok…” And he goes off again without really meaning to, it’s just the look on Heero’s face is killing him. It’s so serious; he doesn’t see the hilarity that Duo does.             “Go sit down, I’ll be back in a second. The bathrooms right there.” Down at the other end of the kitchen there’s a short passage that isn’t long enough to really be a hall. Heero turns and opens a door to the side. Duo hears him opening drawers and closets for a long time.             “You ok Heero?” Duo calls after a minute, noticing that the cut has pretty much stopped bleeding and this probably isn’t worth Heero’s trouble.             “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I just can’t.” Another drawer slams shut “Seem.” Another is opened “To find.” Another loud bang, “Where Wufei.” The fast sound of a drawer being pulled open, “Put the damn first aid…Here it is.”           &nbs p; Heero walks back into the kitchen and seats himself on the floor next to Duo, taking out a bandage and antibiotics.           &n bsp; “It’ll sting.”           & nbsp; “I survived a war.”           &nb sp; “You’re right.”           & nbsp; Duo rolls his eyes and tries desperately not to fidget as Heero’s fingers brush carefully against his skin as he tends to the cut. It’s not like Heero’s never done this sort of thing for him before. It’s just that it’s been so long. His skin tickles and he finds himself moving slightly into Heero’s touch. He hopes his skin hasn’t developed any new variety of color.             “Deeper than I expected.”          &nbs p;  “Yeah well I’ve done worse myself.”  He replies, grateful to have something else to focus his mind on.             Heero looks at him sharply.             “Joke…”         & nbsp;   “Hn.” But he doesn’t seem too convinced or amused.             When Heero’s done Duo settles back down in the seat and stares at the meal that’s placed in front of him. “Hope it’s not too cold.” “I’m sure it’s fine.” It looks edible from what he can tell. It doesn’t seem like any of the nauseating things Heero used to make for himself during the war. He used to try to convert the other pilots to his protein meals, while Quatre was tactful, Duo was openly against it; loudly and bluntly so. This meal though…it actually doesn’t seem like it’ll destroy Duo’s body from the inside.             He takes a tentative bite and chews slowly. It’s good. Really really good. Tooo good. Duo laughs.             Heero gives him a questioning look.             “I crack myself up.”           &nbs p; “So I’ve seen.” Heero raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment further.             “It’s good ‘Ro.” Duo says, gesturing at the food, his way of apology and explanation.           &n bsp; “Thanks.” Heero thinks for a minute “Duo, why do you call me ‘Ro.”          &nb sp;  Duo gives him a wry smile “Well you did say you’d kill me if I called you Hee-chan, Soldier-boy, Heehee or Heeeerooooo again.”           & nbsp; “Ahh.”          &n bsp;  They both eat in silence and Duo looks out into the backyard. The light is flooding into the room, reflecting off the shiny, crystal clean counters, sharing its warmth and comfort with Duo. It’s so freakishly homey and uncharacteristically calm that Duo wants to run around the room, throw papers on the floor, and create chaos. ‘What kind of warped universe am I in?’ He thinks with a terrified girly scream added to the mix.             ‘Don’t laugh or you’re going to scare Heero even more, and then he might try to take your temperature or something.’ Duo tells himself, and instead creates an image of a mini-Duo who can laugh all he wants inside of his head.             “Do you want anymore?”            ;  “Uh no. I’m fine.”           &n bsp; Heero looks at Duo’s frame and Duo fidgets uncomfortably under his scrutiny. “You should eat more, you’re too thin.”           &n bsp; ‘I’m not too thin’ Duo thinks angrily ‘I’ve always been thin. It’s not like I’ve lost my muscle or anything, I haven’t let myself go.’           &nbs p; Heero sighs “Don’t look at me like that.”           &n bsp; “Like what?”           &n bsp; His expression becomes one of annoyance “That look you always give me when you’re angry.” When Duo’s expression doesn’t change Heero continues “You’re eyes, they lower and get darker, you’re whole face tightens and you look dangerous.”          &nb sp;  “Hn.” Duo imitates Heero because it’s all he can think to do to get them off the topic of his face.             “Duo.” Heero warns.             “Heero.” He says in the same tone.             Why can’t he just stop arguing with him? He seems to get a twisted pleasure out of fighting Heero tooth and nail over every word he says. Maybe he’s trying to get back at him for something. All those years where Heero made him feel stupid and small and unwanted. Maybe he wants to see how far he can push Heero and see how long he won’t call him a baka or tell him to shut up or start muttering in Japanese.             ; Sometimes Duo forgets that besides making him feel stupid, small, and unwanted Heero also made him feel strong, brave, comforted and at ease. How he would feel restless and a little nervous when the scowling 01 pilot wasn’t around and how he could feel lulled just by being in his presence. Heero never babied him even when he was sick or injured, he just told him to stop complaining. And Duo would. He always made him see that he wasn’t really as bad as he thought even when it didn’t feel that way. And Duo always did heal. Without Heero maybe he would have just let go. He had wanted to show him he wasn’t weak. He wanted to show them all. He wanted to show Heero, Wufei and even Trowa and Quatre. Quatre could make someone feel weak by just caring so much. It always made Duo feel like he was weak when someone treated him that way. So Duo survived the war and then… then he gave up. His work had been completed and he lost a purpose. He lost that beating force inside. He doesn’t know what exactly he’s living for now, all he knows is that he’s too scared to die. He doesn’t deserve that escape.             “Fine I’ll have some more.”           &n bsp; Heero doesn’t say ‘no Duo, you’re right I was just being overbearing’ or ‘Are you sure? I didn’t mean to offend you…’ but then again maybe Duo was expecting too much. “Suit yourself.” Is what Heero says instead, and he gets up to serve Duo more.             When Heero sets his plate down beside him he doesn’t sit down again. He reaches his hand out and touches Duo’s check, pushing his face to look at him “Cheer up, they won’t kill you.” And Heero gives him a funny smile. Not funny in an odd looking way, but funny in a strange way that causes utter confusion to settle upon Duo. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen that expression on Heero’s face.             Maybe he should just stop trying to figure out what to expect. Author Notes: Weee another chapter done! I suppose now I’m using ‘…’ for thoughts…If I didn’t do that in other chapters maybe I’ll go back and edit later…As I write more I begin to see what I like and dislike, that’s the beauty of writing, you just keep getting better and better. This is great practice for me since I want to be an author and I want to be published young.             I’m trying to update quickly, chapter 8 is almost done, I’m trying not to let this fall behind even though they’re dumping tons of work on me at school. If you’re going crazy though you can always check out my journal and bother me about updating or see me going “I’m working I’m working.” (Gravi_girl123) I can write it because it’s friends only and no people from school really read this who I don’t want to see my lj…