'My emotions strangle me. There's too much to handle all at once. How can people deal with this? It's so hard. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm just so fucking confused.'

Shattered Chaos

Chapter 4: Angst

By: CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Wing I wouldn't have a huge stack of loans to pay off. But I do, so it's pretty safe to assume that I don't own it.

There is something moving slowly through my hair and an incredible warmth all around me. It feels nice, it makes me feel safe; I've never felt like this before. I wonder if this is a dream. Someone murmurs something in my ear and I instantly recognize the voice. It's his voice……Duo's. I open my eyes to see him smiling down at me, his fingers slowly dragging through my hair.

"I was wondering when you were going to wake up." His smile grew a little wider.

"What are you doing?" I asked confused.

"You fell asleep last night while we were talking." I remembered last night. Being pressed against Duo, being in his arms. As I realized that I was still in the same position that I was last night I blushed.

Duo chuckled at that. "So do you still want to talk to me, Hee-chan?"

"…" I don't answer. I can't answer, I don't know if I want to. I have no idea of what I want to say.

"Well…what did you mean when you said that I confuse you?" He asks suddenly. I just stare at him, completely at sea. "Don't look at me like that Heero. It's a simple enough question."

"….I never asked you that. Maybe you're confusing me with someone else."

Duo stares at me blandly. "As if I could ever confuse you with someone else. You said that I confuse you right before you fell asleep."

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Are you even listening to me?" he asked, eyeing me with a weird expression on his face. I nodded. "Well, are you going to answer me or not?"

"…I just meant that you confuse me…" I trail off uncertainly when Duo gave me another bland look.

"We already covered that, Heero. What I want to know is HOW I confuse you."

"…I don't know. You just do things that confuse me and I can't figure out why they do no matter how much I think about them."

"What do I do that confuses you?" He asks studying my face intently.

I feel my eyes sting when I think about his ignoring me, the way he avoided touching me, the way he acted as if nothing happened after he kissed me, the way he kept calling me beautiful even though I knew that he couldn't possibly mean it. Was all of this some kind of sick game to him? Why is it that he's the only one who gets to me like this?

I turn on to my back and stare at the ceiling, the burning in my eyes increasing. "I don't know…everything you do confuses me." My throat constricts and my voice sounds strained.

"Heero…are you ok?"

"You make me feel weird. I can't explain it…it just feels weird." Duo places a hand on my cheek and I lean into the touch involuntarily. He could so easily pull my puppet strings along.

"Weird how? Describe what you feel."

"When you touch me…it feels…safe…? I don't know." I shake my head.

"It's ok, Heero, take your time, there's no rush."

"…You're different form everyone else. I don't know why, but you are." I stare at the ceiling hoping it will give me some clarity. This is obviously wishful thinking because no matter how long I stare at it, nothing becomes any clearer.

"Different how?" He asks after awhile.

I take a deep breath in a futile gesture to calm myself. "I don't mind when you do things that would normally bother me if it were someone else."

"What things?"

"Why must you ask so many questions?" I snap

Duo looked surprised. "I'm trying to understand your feelings, Heero. You're not being all that clear right now."

"Why do you even care!!" I suddenly scream at him sitting up. The burning in my eyes has increased and my eyes have become blurry.

"You're upset about something and I want to help you." He says in a soothing tone of voice that is meant to calm, but I'm in no mood to be calm. I want him to know what he is making me feel, I want him to know what he has done.

"Help me?!" I ask incredulously "You want to help me?!"

"Are you ok, Heero?" he asked his face a mask of concern.

"Do I look ok to you, Duo?!" By now I had tears streaming down my face and I don't know why the hell I'm crying.

"What's the matter? Why are you crying?" Duo sits up reaches for me and I pull away from him.

"You're what's the matter with me!!" I yell pointing at him. "You!!"

Duo looks confused "What have I done to you?"

"You know what you've done, Duo!!"

Duo shakes his head lightly, his eyes locking onto mine "No, Heero, I don't. Tell me…please."

I stare at him as his eyes look into mine pleadingly. I can't believe he's acting as if he doesn't know. But Duo doesn't lie, so maybe he isn't aware of the way he's affecting me….

"You say and do things that confuse the hell out of me. I don't even know why you say these things. It makes no sense."

"What did I say? What confused you?"

I look away from his piercing gaze before I answer him. "…You said I was beautiful." I whispered "Why would you say that? I know why Relena would say it, but you…. I don't know. You're different, I don't mind it so much when you say it, but I don't know why you would. I don't know why I don't mind."

A hand touches my chin and my face is turned toward Duo. He looks into my eyes for a while with an expression on his face that I have not seen before. When he finally speaks, he says, "…You are beautiful, Heero. I'm only telling you the truth, it's not meant to confuse, it's meant to compliment." The hand on my chin moves to caress my cheek and I lean into the touch…again. I don't know why I like his touch so much.

I let out a shaky sigh. "Why do you do things like this?" I ask. When I don't receive an answer I turn my eyes toward Duo and I notice the faraway look in his eyes--he didn't hear my question. Damn him. I open my mouth to scream at him, but his lips on mine effectively silence anything I was about to say.

He ran his tongue across my bottom lip and I gasped at the feeling. Its slippery warmth slipped into my mouth and stroked every surface it came into contact with. I moaned at the feeling and my hands found their way around his neck. Duo's hands circled my waist and he held on to me tightly. I felt a jolt when his tongue touched my own and I tentatively touched back. Duo groaned and held onto me tighter and began to kiss me eagerly. My lungs were burning for lack of air when Duo finally withdrew. I panted drawing the much-needed air into my lungs.

He stared into my eyes with such an intensity it made my knees weak. "…Heero." He whispered as he leant forward and nuzzled my neck his arms still around my waist.

"…Duo?" I whispered questioningly.

"Hai?" he replied his face still buried in my neck.

"…. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why'd you kiss me, Duo?" I ask shakily.

Duo moved to look me in the eyes a solemn look on his face "I kissed you…" he started then paused a few seconds "…I kissed you because…I love you." He finished in a whisper.

I gasped and pulled away from him not sure how to respond. I looked into his eyes for awhile and he just returned my gaze patiently.

"I…I don't…what do you…?" I stuttered trying to figure out what was going on.

Duo reached forward and took my hand and I ceased my babbling. "I don't expect anything from you, Heero. I just wanted you to know…" He lowered his eyes and continued, "It's better that you do. I don't have to hide it anymore." He then looked at me again; "I don't like hiding things from you."

"…I…" Duo put a finger on my lips to silence me.

"It's ok, Heero." He whispered as he moved his finger from my lips. "It's ok," he said again and placed a chaste kiss on my lips before he left the room.

I was left alone staring at the door after him more confused now than I was before. What was I going to do now? Did I care for Duo the way he cared for me? Damn, this was giving me a headache. I needed to go to sleep. I'd think about it when I woke up.

I lay down and the last thoughts that crossed my mind before sleep claimed me were about how sweet Duo tasted, how good his lips felt on mine.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Two months have passed since that day and I still have no idea what the hell I feel. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the hell can't I figure this out? I need to talk to Trowa, he can help me sort things out. Yes, that's what I'll do.

Tbc….

A/N: I really liked the way this chapter turned out. It's better than expected. And it came out faster than I thought it would. Also, this is my longest chapter ever!!!! Hooray for me ^.^ whatever. Well since you're down here reading this, I'm assuming you read the chapter. Review and let me know what you think. Ja! ^. ~