Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Shattered Chaos ❯ realization ( Chapter 5 )

'When you're in an intense situation, your emotions blind you-- they blind you to the obvious. They make it hard to think objectively and you only see what you perceive as a threat. All this time I thought Duo was the one causing to the problems-- only I find out it was me.'

Shattered Chaos

Chapter 5: Realization

By: CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com)

I glare at Trowa murderously as he stands across from me smirking. I can't believe that bastard is toying with me. What the fuck kind of friend is he? I could choke the hell out of him right now.

"I really don't know why you're so worked up, Heero," Trowa says the smirk threatening to turn into a full out grin. "Duo already told you that he's in love with you, what more do you want?"

I growl, "I want to know why. It doesn't make sense."

"These things rarely do," he says bringing up a hand to cover his mouth.

"That's not funny, Trowa!!"

Trowa chuckles a bit before he says, "Maybe not to you, but I find it highly amusing."

"Damnit, Trowa! Be serious…please. I need your help, you know I wouldn't even be here discussing this otherwise."

Trowa sobered up a little. "Ok, Heero. I'll be serious."

"Thank you"

"I just don't know why you're here asking for my help when you obviously don't need it."

"What do you mean?"

"Duo said that he loved you, that explains why he treats you the way he does. What is confusing you is your reactions to his actions."

"And…?" I say impatiently.

"It is obvious why you react the way you do, Heero."

"And what is this obvious reason?"

"I'm not going to tell you that. You need to figure that out on your own."

I stare at Trowa incredulously. I can't believe that he's refusing to tell me. My hands turn to fist and I start to shake for all of the frustration I'm feeling. I can not believe that this is happening. I want to scream, laugh and cry at the same time. I just don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

I think I must have snapped because I started swearing profusely and Trowa started laughing his ass off. This went on for a while before I calmed down. However, it took, Trowa a considerably longer time to do so.

When Trowa finally stood up from the spot on the floor he was lying on when he started laughing, I fisted my hand in his shirt and pulled him to me glaring for all I was worth.

"What do you mean, you will not tell me?" I growled out beyond frustrated. Trowa only started laughing again and I dropped him on the floor and waited for him to calm down.

"I'm sorry, Heero, but this just so damn funny."

"Trowa," I whined, I can't believe I whined but that was just how desperate I was. "You're supposed to be helping me, not lying on the floor laughing."

"Just go talk to, Duo. Tell him everything. You'll understand everything then."

"I already talked to, Duo that just made me even more confused and I didn't even think that was possible."

"Heero, just know that everything doesn't have to make sense. Some things just are, sense has nothing to do with it."

I stared at him for a while completely confused as to what he was saying "…Nani?"

"You obviously weren't listening," Trowa says dryly. "It'll make sense later."

"…What the fuck?"

"Just go talk to, Duo," he says and starts pushing me toward the door.

"Nani, Trowa you were supposed to help me."

Trowa stopped pushing me long enough to respond, "I am helping you. That's why I'm telling you to go talk to, Duo" and then he slammed the door in my face.

I blink at the door for a while before I scream at him, "Bakayaro!!!" I faintly hear, Trowa's laughter on the other side of the door before I walk away.

*~*~*~*~*~*

When I got back to the house Duo was sprawled out on the couch watching T.V. He jumped up as soon as he saw me.

"Where were you, Heero?" he asked a concerned expression on his face.

I walked pass him without replying. I was still pissed at, Trowa and I didn't feel like dealing with him at the moment.

"Heero…?" Duo asks as he grabbed one of my wrists.

"What do you want?" I snap at him, I've been doing that a lot lately. I really shouldn't but he's the cause of all my frustration. It's so easy to take it all out on him.

"Where were you?" he asks again.

"Out," I reply trying to pull away from him, but Duo only tightened his hold.

"Where, Heero?" Duo growled out pulling me closer to him by grabbing my other wrist.

"What makes you think I have to tell you anything?" I say glaring.

"Since you stopped talking to me. I don't know what's going on with you, but I know you're still upset. Why aren't you talking to me?"

"I've been sorting my thoughts."

"And you had to stop talking to me to do that?"

"Yes," I growled out trying to move away from him again.

"Stop it, Heero," Duo said as he tightened his grip on my wrists.

"Let me go."

"Where were you?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because you never stay out this late and I want to know what captured your attention at this late hour."

I glanced at a clock before I replied. "Duo, it's 8:00pm. It's not late."

"For you it is," he said in a matter of fact tone. "Now…where were you?"

I sighed and gave up trying to free my wrists from his hold. "I was at Trowa's," I whispered. "Now let me go."

"What were you doing at, Trowa's?"

"Why are you asking me so many questions? I can go places without your approval you are aware?" I question him eyebrow raised.

"Just answer the question."

I sighed yet again. "Talking."

"About…?" he prompts

"Damn it, Duo!"

"What were you talking about, Heero?"

"That's none of your business."

"Like hell it isn't!" he yelled his grip on my wrists becoming tight enough to bruise.

"Duo, you're hurting me."

Duo looked lost for a while before he realized that he was holding me too tightly, "Oh, sorry, Heero," he says before loosening his hold enough to ease the pain.

"What the fuck is your problem?!" I snap while sending him a glare. "I can talk to whomever I choose to, you have no say in the matter!"

"You're obviously the one with the problem, Heero, not me."

I sigh. I am so fed up with this conversation right now. "Just let me go, Duo."

"No. I want to talk with you." He said guiding me toward the couch.

"About what?"

"You know what." He said while he released his hold on me. "Now sit." He said and pushed me onto the couch and sat next to me.

I stared blankly at the television screen until, Duo turned it off. "Well…" I prompted, "You're the one who wanted to talk."

"Stop being an ass, Heero. Now tell me what's bothering you."

"You're bothering me." I mutter tiredly.

"You keep saying that, Heero, but you never explain how. What exactly am I doing that's bothering you?"

"I'm not in the mood to answer all of your questions right now, Duo. I just want to go to sleep."

"You can sleep after we've talked. You've been avoiding this long enough."

"Damn it, Duo." I growl out

"Why don't you tell me what you and, Trowa talked about to help things move along quickly?"

"Why the hell is it so important to you to know what, Trowa and I talked about?" I asked my interest peaked.

Duo sighed and explained in a patient tone of voice. "Whatever is bothering you is bothering you enough to seek another's opinion. And whenever you don't want to discuss what's bothering you with me, you go to Trowa. So if you tell me what you and, Trowa discussed we can get straight to the heart of the matter and not waste any time getting there. And you won't have to repeat everything that you've already told, Trowa, you can just paraphrase. Go ahead." He said gesturing at me to start talking.

I stared blankly for a while before sighing and telling him everything I had discussed with, Trowa.

"You know, Trowa was right when he told you that you need to talk to me."

"Talking to you only confuses me more." I said as I brought a hand up to rub at the ache that was starting at my left temple.

"How do I do that? I already told you how I feel about you, Heero. There's nothing to be confused about.

"Why do you love me? I don't understand."

"I don't need a reason to love you, Heero. I didn't plan to fall in love with you, it just happened. Things like this rarely make sense; it's a waste of time trying to figure out why. All you'll get from it is a headache."

Upon hearing the words that, Trowa had spoken not a half-hour earlier leave Duo's mouth, I was filled with anger. How dare they try to push that nonsensical bullshit on me?!! "I don't believe you. You're just confusing the hell out of me for no fucking reason. Everything makes sense. You and Trowa just don't know what the hell you're talking about! I can't believe I asked that uni-banged asshole for advice. He just laughed at me and I'm pretty sure you've been laughing at me for the past few months. You bastards!!!" I yell out completely frustrated. How dare he sit there and try and preach the same ridiculous bullshit that Trowa tried to force on me earlier? How dare Trowa not give me any answers?

It's obvious why you react the way you do, Heero. You need to figure it out on your own. Just thinking about Trowa is pissing me off to no end right now. That self-righteous bastard withholding answers form me. I could just drag him out of his house and rip his hair right off his head. I'd like to see him wear that hairstyle of his then.

I was brought of my thoughts when Duo finally spoke the shock of my outburst still evident in his eyes and hurt lingering in their depths. When I saw that I had hurt Duo all of my anger fled me. "What makes you believe anything that you just said, Heero?"

"All you've been doing for the past five months is confuse me."

"You keep saying that I'm confusing you, but you never tell me exactly what I've been doing that has been confusing you. I can't answer vague questions, Heero."

"You know exactly what you've been doing." I growled out

"Please stop assuming I know what you're talking about, Heero. It makes it hard for me to understand what's bothering you.

"So, it's only a problem when you're the one who is confused?"

"Heero, you're not making any sense. Calm down."

I took a few calming breaths before I spoke again. "You know when you called me beautiful, you blindsided me. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why you would say something like that. But what has been confusing me more than what you've been doing since that night, is how I've been reacting to you. Now that makes no sense whatsoever. But I wouldn't even be reacting if you hadn't kissed me in the first place."

I don't know why, but I just decided to take Trowa up on his advice and just tell Duo everything. About how he's been confusing me, about the way he makes me feel. I have been avoiding the question long enough.

After dumping almost everything I've been thinking for the past five months on him, I was a tired weepy mess. It has to be illegal to feel this much emotion, this intensely in such a short amount of time. I don't understand how people can deal with all of this emotion on a daily basis.

After going through all of that, I just had one question left. The root of all of my confusion. And I'd be dammed if I went through all of this not to get the answer to the question that has been driving me mad for the last five months. I rounded on Duo once again. He was still sitting in his spot on the couch, I had abandoned mine long ago in favor of pacing while I talked to him. He had a thoughtful look on his face, but it was soon replaced by shock when I voiced my question.

"Why do you pretend to care about me?!" I shouted. I was desperate to know the answer and I'm pretty sure that I looked about as desperate as I sounded. "Do you pity me? I don't need your fucking pity."

"Heero I don't pretend to care about you!" Duo said a look of disbelief on his face "Why would you think that?!"

"First you kiss me, then ignore me. Then you say you love me…and then you can't even be in the same room with me afterward. What am I supposed to think? I don't know what you want from me. I can't figure you out, you confuse me too much."

"Heero…I never ignored you." I looked at him incredulously and opened my mouth to respond to that but Duo's raised hand stopped me. "I just gave you the space I thought that you needed. I didn't want to push you into anything that you didn't want to do-- I wanted to give you time to adjust. But I never left you alone. The only reason I didn't stay in the same room with you after I told you that I loved you was because you seemed uneasy whenever I was around. I figured you that you'd rather not have me around." He finished patiently.

"So…you weren't pretending?"

Duo shook his head "No Heero, I wouldn't pretend to care for you, you know that."

I don't know why, but just hearing Duo say that made me happy and I got to know what those dumbass people mean when they say they feel all warm and tingly inside. It was so ridiculous. I never imagined myself in this position.

I felt so light and happy at hearing, Duo deny my accusation that it brought a smile to my face. I threw my arms around his neck in a fierce hug mumbling all kinds of nonsensical things in my happiness. Duo hugged me back and I felt even happier. I was happy to be in his arms, to be surrounded by him, by his scent. I didn't want to let go.

"Don't let go, Duo," I whispered. I needed this contact more than anything. I needed it; it was a physical affirmation of, Duo's presence. If I was in his arms he wouldn't leave me. I hadn't even known that I feared his leaving until now.

"Don't worry, I'll hold you as long as you need me to," Duo said as he laid down on the couch cradling me against him until I fell asleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Since the conversation I had with Duo a couple of months I have been noticing some things. I had previously noted that I liked Duo's scent and touch, but as I've been paying more attention to him lately the reason for this is, as Trowa stated not two months ago, obvious. I have noticed that I am attracted to, Duo, as he is attracted to me. So my reactions where he is concerned are perfectly logical. What I don't understand is when I began to feel this way, but I have given up on trying to figure that out because it is as, Duo said, a waste of time.

I have noticed that I like everything about, Duo. The sound of his voice, the way he moves, the way his eyes light up, his hair. I am completely infatuated. I have spent the last couple of months in his arms because I can't sleep if I'm not with him.

I love the way his arms feel around me, the way he moves his fingers in my hair, the way his lips feel against mine. His touch makes me feel safe. I'm happy when I'm with him. I have never been this happy before. Maybe this is more than infatuation. Maybe it's love.

Tbc…….