Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Some Way Back ❯ Broken Promise ( Chapter 14 )

Ok finally managed to get it out… despite amazing bouts of writers block that has been plaguing me since the last chapter. This chapter kind of turned out a little different to what I was going to do, but its not that bad…

Usual disclaimers and stuff… don't own them, wish I did…and please don't archive without asking me first

Enjoy

#*# = scene change

~ words in direct thought to oneself

~~**~~ end of chapter

^^ italics if the computer is liking me^^ Song words

Some Way Back: Broken Promise

Zechs sat on the bed watching the now closed bathroom door. He didn't move…he was still in shock. The blonde knew that what he and Duo had done last night didn't mean that the other man loved him or anything nearly that soppy. He knew that Duo had needed a release; he knew Duo had been bottling things up inside badly and had needed to get them out of his system.

Those words Duo had spoke in the shower…about not wanting to hurt a friend. It meant that Zechs had achieved a status with the braided one that he had never though he would. He was considered a friend. The fact that Duo had called out Heero's name when he had cum the previous night was not a fact that Zechs thought would ever change. To be honest the blond couldn't blame him…

He wished he could be more than the fuck that helped Duo refocus, but he knew there was a snowballs chance in hell of that happening. Somewhere along the line Zechs had started falling for the man sitting behind the locked bathroom door. Somewhere along the line, the promise he had made had become more than that…it had become personal. He knew that he couldn't let on about that, otherwise he'd probably be maimed where he stood, in more ways than one, but he couldn't help but feel amazing respect and admiration for the man who had fucked him last night.

Duo was stronger than he had ever been given credit for. He was more dedicated and able than anyone else, including Heero, had seemed to realize. And he was in pain. Zechs vowed to himself that he would simply be there whenever Duo needed release, for as long as he needed it. For what Zechs had been a party to…he owed him that much at least.

#*#

Quatre was getting impatient. He had been ready for over half an hour and had somehow resisted the invitation to join his two lovers in the shower. However that had no bearing on what Trowa and Wufei decided to undertake. Quatre was getting as close to annoyed as the blonde usually got; he thought that it probably wasn't a good idea to arrive late with Duo the way he had been being. A few minutes later the offending two emerged from the bathroom, smoke billowing behind them. Smiles adorned their slightly pink faces as they grinned from ear to ear.

"You missed out on some fun Quatre…" Trowa winked at his smaller lover.

Wufei pouted cutely, or as cute as was possible for him considering how he felt about the term cute… "Yeah…but we were missing our favourite toy, we'll just have to play harder next time I guess…"

Despite himself Quatre blushed and let out a little laugh. "Come on guys get dressed. We have to be at headquarters soon."

#*#

Arriving at preventer Headquarters the three remaining Gundam pilots made their way to Duo's room. Pushing open the door Quatre saw his friend toweling off his hair.

"You know Duo… I think I've seen your hair out more these 8 months, than in the four previous years."

"Probably Cat…" Duo smiled at his friend…feeling much more relaxed that he had been for a long while. "But then you also weren't around when I got out of the shower. So you rarely would have had a chance to see it…unless you caught me brushing it. Its too long to wash every day…it gets really damn annoying…takes a lot of taking care of…but hell. I wouldn't be me without it now would I?"

Quatre nodded…"You seem much better today Duo…sleep well?"

"Like a rock Car… Like a rock…" Duo grinned.

Zechs opened the bathroom door and stepped out. Quatre's eyes lit up with surprise as he registered the fact that Zechs seemed to have stayed the night. He looked back at Trowa and Wufei and saw the surprise etched just as clearly on their faces.

Duo laughed again while Zechs chose to blush that attractive reddish colour.

"Come on guys we have work to do…I just ordered breakfast…I am famished!"

Ignoring the curious glances of his three best friends, and the questioning glances of his tension relief, Duo sat himself at his systems and booted them all out of standby. Looking over his shoulder he raised an eyebrow. "Well…come on guys, it isn't going to wait for us…well actually, it probably is going to wait for us…but you know what I mean…I mean…oh hell… let's just get to work."

#*#

During the course of the day it became apparent to Zechs just what Duo had meant. The braided man might have treated him a little better, but he was still treated as just a friend. No signs of affection, nothing like that…just plain old Duo…the happy go lucky façade perfectly back in place. It made Zechs wonder if it might have been letter to let Duo break instead of helping him the previous night; because as it was, Duo appeared to be going back to his old, let me bottle everything up, self.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. No new leads, no new anything…the only good news was that they seemed to have found all the subsidiaries.

As the four intruders stood to leave that night, Quatre turned to his friend.

"Hey Duo…we'll find something linking the bastard eventually…I promise."

Duo just smiled. "Yeah… I know we will…it's just a matter of time…not like I don't have it." He managed to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

The three ex-gundam pilots left then, leaving Zechs standing there feeling awkward.

"I…Duo…"

Duo looked up at the platinum haired man hoping to hell that he wasn't going to become clingy. "Yes?"

"If you need me again…I'll be there…"

Duo fought back a sigh of relief, there didn't appear to be any signs of clinginess. "Thanks Zechs…go get some sleep."

Zechs heard the door close behind him and sighed. He really did need sleep as it was anyway.

#*#

Closing the door after shooing his friends out of the room, Duo realized he was in a mood. Not a kill himself, overdose or burn himself half to death mood, well at least not yet… just in a well…a melancholy mood.

He sighed and made his way to the bathroom, refusing to acknowledge that it was his second shower for the day. He just felt dirty and he couldn't pinpoint why. He stripped off walking to stand in front of the shower and open his hair out. He ran his fingers through his hair, wondering why he felt so strange, wondering why he felt that he had to wash his hair yet again although he knew he had only just washed it that morning. His whole body was itchy…like he hadn't cleaned it enough…like there was something he was allergic to; like he was reacting badly to something and he had no idea what. Shaking his head he walked over and turned the shower on, fingers' idly tracing the tattoo's on his hips as he waited for the shower to heat up a little. Finding the water warm enough, he stepped in, immediately submerging his hair under the water… as he closed his eyes an image flashed before them, under closed lids; water falling on him and Heero as they writhed together in harmony under the shower. Duo opened his eyes…looking around a little startled. He hadn't had any memories for a good while…why was he having them then? Shaking his head once more he closed his eyes again, intent on lathering more shampoo through his hair. Again another image hit him.

The fire works at the end of the war…the one time he had actually heard Heero give into passion fully and become vocal, although he hadn't really heard him due to the sound of the celebrations.

Duo opened his eyes…shaking…and pulled his head away from being directly under the water flow. He hadn't had thoughts like that for ages…he had locked them away…he had been able to push them away and now for some reason they were starting to haunt him again. Everywhere in the shower that he looked, he could see something to remind him of a time with Heero.

"No. No. No. No. No." As much as Duo wanted to close his eyes and take a deep breath, he knew that at that point in time that was probably a very bad idea. So instead Duo just settled for deep breathing and trying to focus on something, on anything that would mean he wouldn't think of Heero or anything to do with him.

It didn't work… no matter where he looked or how hard he tried to avoid it, the memories came back to taunt him and it wasn't long before Duo's knees gave out and he slid with his back against the wall, to sit on the floor. He no longer saw the shower… all he saw was that day, so many years ago when the war had finally ended.

~#~

^^You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough
if the sky can crack
there must be some way back
for love and only love ^^

The final missions had been completed. The end of the war had been announced. The five now ex-gundam pilots found themselves a cause for attention. They received recognition immediately…and each dealt with it in their own way. Heero remained his stoic self…Trowa remained as silent as he had always been…Wufei simply considered it justice served… Quatre dealt with it like the heir to a multi-billion dollar corporation would…and Duo…Duo didn't deal…Duo ran and hid.

He had locked himself in his room all day and just stared at the wall. What the hell was he supposed to do now…how the hell was he supposed to go on? He had lived his life for revenge up until that day, what the hell was supposed to replace it? What was supposed to let the smile stay on his face? If he didn't have revenge to focus on, how the hell was he going to continue to be that person that everyone else knew…but most of all, how was he going to be the person that Heero needed. And if he really thought about it…was Heero going to need him at all anymore? Now there was no more mass murdering allowed…did Heero need him at all anyway, or had he just been imagining it?

Stop. Rewind. He was a murderer. That's what he was…that was what it all boiled down to … how could anyone love someone like that. Duo found himself wandering around his room…he couldn't believe his life…sixteen years of age and he was already fucked in the head. But if he was fucked in the head…maybe he could clear his head…maybe if he gave himself the things that made him focus…maybe then he would be able to be the person he showed to everyone else; the person that he needed to be.

Vaguely Duo walked around the room he shared with Heero… his eyes scanning the room, looking and searching for something, but not really realizing what it was he was hunting for until he found it. Walking over to Heero's desk Duo spied Heero's emergency knife and grinned a smile empty of all laughter. He walked back to his bed and checked the blade on one of his fingers. It sliced the flesh immediately, and Duo blocked the pain, not surprised that Heero would have taken such good care of his knife. The pain brought him a calm that helped him deal with everything that had happened in the last few days. But it wasn't enough… it wasn't what Duo had felt all those years ago on the streets of L2, fighting for his life, fighting against the abuse…and somehow surviving to exact revenge. It wasn't enough pain to equate with his having lost Solo when he was a child…wasn't enough to equate with the fact that his `family' had been killed in the Maxwell Church massacre when he had still been young and impressionable. And it definitely wasn't enough pain to equate with the training he had undergone, nor the hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people that he had just gotten finished helping kill.

And so, while the others dealt with the press and the attention each in their own way…Duo dealt with it in his own; in his own little world. Slowly he began to bore the knife into his arm. He didn't feel like slicing…it was too short and sweet. So he bored… very slowly…turning the blade around and around with the tip facing downwards into that soft flesh on the inside of his arm just below his elbow. He pushed the pain away and gathered the person that he was, and that everyone else seemed to need and love around him and started to merge with it as the blood started to flow freely from the wound. But he didn't stop there…he hadn't hit nerves yet…it was just a small wound…but he needed it bigger…he needed to be able to feel it for a while. He was so engrossed in his work that he didn't notice the door open, though he couldn't help but notice what followed.

Heero had gotten tired of waiting for his lover to join him and the others in the onslaught and suddenly came upon the idea that, despite all outward appearances, the braided boy might have been trying to avoid the attention. So he had made some partially feeble, half grunted excuse and made his way up to their bedroom, to forcibly drag his longhaired lover out if he had to. What he had not expected to find was what he found. Opening the door, his eyes trained around to find his lover sitting on his own bed…it took a few seconds for Heero's brain to process what he saw, but when he processed it his brain overloaded, and the usually emotionless soldier, became a bundle of feelings he needed to let out.

"Duo!" Although the volume level of his words wasn't loud the tone of them was enough to make Duo flinch in response and the knife slipped from his fingers, which were feeling weak anyway due to some marginally hefty bloodloss.

Smile plastered to his face, Duo looked up at Heero with glazed violet eyes, and a face paler than usual. "Wassup…Hee-chan…" His voice was a little slurred. After having not eaten, blood loss was not the best thing for his system and he hadn't quite realized just how woozy he felt.

Heero was at his side in an instant supporting him, being gentler with him than he had in their entire relationship, but Duo guessed that was because he was broken…and Heero knew how to treat broken things.

Thoughts ran through Heero's head… he had no idea how to deal with it…he tried to think of what he could do and rose from the bed…laying Duo on his side and instructing the boy to stay there. Rummaging through the bathroom, Heero came across the first aid kit and grabbed the sewing kit and the bandages out of it. He returned to find Duo lying lazy eyed on the bed, with a huge grin plastered over his face. In silence he worked on the boy's wounds.

Duo just watched Heero dress his arm. It was funny; he felt like he wasn't even in his body… ooo was he having an outer body experience. He giggled and Heero looked at him comically making the braided boy laugh even more.

Heero frowned, and finished bandaging the wound with just the right amount of pressure after he had stitched it closed. He pulled the shirt off his lover, followed by the pants, blushing slightly as he remembered that Duo rarely wore underpants. Duo was amazingly amused at this stage, while still light headed he couldn't stop giggling as Heero tucked him firmly into bed, refusing to budge from the chestnut haired boys side. Finally the perfect soldier got up the nerve to ask what he had wanted to ask since he had walked through that door.

"Duo?"

"Mmm Hee-chan?" The sleepy voice was husky and a turn on that Heero managed to ignore.

"Why?"

"Why Why?"

"Duo… damn it…"

Duo sighed… even in his floaty state he knew what Heero wanted. Trying to focus his brain Duo started to speak. "It made me feel…feel pain…"

Heero just looked at his lover in bewilderment. "You wanted to feel pain?"

Duo's mouth, as always, had a mind of its own and he again felt as if he was watching himself from outside of his body. "It gives me purpose…" and before Heero could interrupt he continued. "I have survived since… since I don't know when…on revenge…on making Oz pay…on making so many things happen…I have been a murderer for years…" He didn't see Heero's flinch at his vocabulary usage…"As long as I have a mission… as long as I have something to occupy me, I am useful, I have a purpose…without the war…what am I?" His voice wasn't full of pity; it was very matter of fact. "Without death what is Shinigami? Without my skills and my prowess, what am I to you?"

Heero was shocked, and he looked up to see almost lucid eyes looking at him thoughtfully. He couldn't believe what he was hearing from his lover. He couldn't believe that Duo didn't seem to realize what he meant to him. Was he really that emotionless? Had he really not succeeded in showing the boy that he loved, just how important he was to him? Ruthlessly pushing away the wall that immediately threatened to engulf him and prevent him from expressing his emotions, Heero knew Duo needed to hear what Heero had always avoided saying.

"Duo…you were the reason I completed my missions…despite some of them having near impossibility success possibilities." Heero looked expectantly into violet eyes hoping what he said would come across the right way.

Duo was confused. Heero seemed to be saying that he only got through missions for Duo? "For me…I don't…oh…" It dawned on him, but he still wasn't quite sure… "You…for me?" Tears hit his violet eyes, but he blinked them away…Duo avoided crying wherever possible.

Heero smiled…or it should be said that the corners of his mouth quirked a little…"Yes…for you… only you…not Dr. J, not any of the others… for you…"

"But…I …you… me…always baka…and shut up!"

Heero uttered what would be seen as most by a chuckle before he spoke. "You are usually so eloquent Duo, I thought I was the one who rarely spoke."
In his slightly light headed state Duo blushed a little. "Well… I just…hoped…I was almost scared that after the wars…you… wouldn't need me anymore…"

Heero looked at the other boy with honesty written all over his face. "Duo, I will always need you. Please…don't do this to yourself…come to me, spar with me, anything…just don't do this to yourself."

"You… you… won't leave me?" Duo's voice was soft and Heero could hear the fear in his voice.

"By choice you were my first Duo…and by choice you will always be my only…always…"

Duo smiled… the need for sleep tugging at his consciousness. "Ditto… Heero… always…"

"Get some sleep Duo…I'll fend off the others and the onslaught that is outside…" Heero was about to get up after tucking Duo in when he felt Duo grab a hold of his hand. Looking back down, Prussian blue eyes met violets.

"Promise me Heero…?"

"I promise Duo… my one and only… always…" He waited as a he saw a tired smile spread across his lovers face, holding his breath. It had been more difficult for him to open up as he had done…than anyone would ever know. He hoped he didn't have to do it too often…and he knew it would be impossible with someone other than Duo.

"Mmmm Heero…I promise too, one and only…forever…" The violets closed softly, the gentle smile still covering his face. Heero breathed.

~#~

Duo's eyes refocused and a strangled cry emerged from his throat. How could he have forgotten about that promise…it had made him feel safe more than once in their relationship, it was a part of their relationship he had treasured, words he had let himself relive over and over again. He had lied…Duo had lied…had lied to Heero. He had promised the Prussian eyed boy that he would always be his one and only…and he had just slept with another man.

Logic wasn't playing a great part with Duo at that point in time. His brain wasn't allowing him to think along the lines that Heero had broken a promise first, to Duo that didn't matter at all…to Duo all that mattered was he had lied…to the man he had loved more than anything. He forgot about the pain and the loneliness that had been inflicted on him eight months ago, he forgot about the pain and the constant fight against insanity that he had been undertaking since then…all he could think was that he had promised his lover that he would never be with another…and he had lied.

How long Duo had been in the shower, he didn't know, but he looked up when the water began to cool down. Mechanically he stood up and shut off the water. Walking out of the shower he walked slowly and haltingly over to the vanity and looked in the mirror.

The mirror was his nemesis…he hated it with a passion…for it showed him all of his flaws and he could never see anything worthwhile. As if something finally clicked, he reached for a towel and began, absently, to dry himself off. When he was finished, he stood, still staring into the mirror, loose towel dried hair hanging down his back. He had come to a conclusion, and he looked at himself as he spoke.

"There is nothing left to keep me here, not once this is done. When this is all over nothing will keep me here."

~~**~~

To Be Continued

Well there we go… finally got another one out… be gentle please… not overly happy with this one, but it isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Review please… I love em

~Arith