Wow it's actually an almost timely next chapter!!! YAY. The ideas I am having are developing and kind of running around and I am trying to catch them and write them down but they keep doing backflips and going their own way.

This fic is housed at Mediaminer and at www.goldenyaoihuggle.com so if you see it somewhere else, it doesn't have permission to be there.

Again, if you have not read Someway Back, this will probably make no sense at all, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Disclaimer : Don't own em yada yada, wish I did, because then the series would have been more yaoi orientated. Don't sue, I don't own anything except two chinchillas and three rats and they'll probably bite you hehe

#*# = scene change

~ words in direct thought to oneself

~#~ Flashback

~~**~~ end of chapter

Somewhere I belong: Judge not …

It was warm and comfortable where he was lying down. Granted he could feel that he was on the couch, and he could feel his body was stiff and sore; but overall the feeling was nice. Safe, warm and the chest his head was pillowed on rose and fell gently, indicating that it's owner was asleep.

Violet eyes snapped open. Chest? Pillow? Calming himself, Duo turned his head a little to look at whom it was who was sort of next to, behind… underneath him. Relief flooded through him as he saw the golden strands of hair fanning across his best friends face.

The slight movement seemed to alert Quatre, who rubbed his eyes sleepily before looking down at Duo. "You look like a deer caught in headlights, Duo."

It took a second for Duo's brain to react, while his mouth just gaped, but then he laughed; a good, real, warm, light-hearted laugh that infected Quatre and soon had them both in a helpless fit of the giggles. After a few minutes they managed to calm down and Quatre just looked at his best friend and smiled.

"You know Duo, it's nice to actually hear you laugh again."

A brief blush passed over Duo's face as he stood up a little unsteadily, stretching out the kinks in his body and completely ignoring Quatre's comment, though his attempt to disregard the pain in his body wasn't nearly as successful.

"How the hell did I fall asleep like that Cat? My entire body is killing me." He was whining and he knew it… but he just didn't care.

Concern looked out of those aquamarine eyes as Quatre furrowed his brow in thought. "Duo, have you been taking your pills lately."

A scowl flitted across Duo's face briefly before he sighed and shook his head. "Things were going so well, and I get sick of them… get sick of needing them… so I thought I'd see if I could manage without." His shoulders had slumped and he looked completely dejected, knowing that the reaction he had yesterday would probably have been a little more manageable had he been taking his medication for the previous two weeks. Holding up a hand Duo turned to walk into the kitchen. "No lecture Cat. I've learned my lesson, I'll be a good little pill popping freak from now on… promise." Somehow he just couldn't keep the bitterness from his voice as he spoke.

~Now stop that Duo, you know you can't be angry at him for it, he just wants to help you~ Some people might say it is not possible for you to glare at yourself… let us just say that Duo is excellent at it and leave it at that. He just couldn't get the past the fact that Heero had come round the day before. Had it been four or five weeks later Duo could probably even have dealt with it, but as it was, it had just been too soon. A sigh escaped his lips as thoughts raced through his head and he didn't even realise that he had stopped in front of the fridge with the door in his hand, whilst gazing at absolutely nothing in particular inside it. Now his heart was racing again and it was annoying him. Just looking at Heero had almost broken him. Duo just couldn't believe how much seeing the man he had thought dead made him ache to be touched by him, made him ache to forgive him and act like nothing had ever happened, and made him ached to be filled by him the way no one else had ever been able to.

A light hand touch on his shoulder snapped him out of his reverie. "Duo?" Quatre's concern grounded Duo for the moment he needed to realise just how stupid he had to look standing there the way he was.

"Yeah Cat, I spaced… again…" Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he took a final glance in the fridge and decided he wasn't very hungry.

Tossing himself into one of the breakfast bar stools he was fully prepared for an entire day of brooding over crap, followed by an evening of music. Perfect way for him to spend the night before Christmas… maybe if there was a pet shop open somewhere he could go and buy a mouse… a mouse seemed appropriate for Christmas somehow… and… um wait, someone was talking to him… slowly Duo pulled himself back again and turned his attention to Quatre.

"I'm sorry Cat, what were you saying?" He even managed to look sheepish.

"I was saying if you don't prove to me that you are going to take care of yourself I will call Rashid and have him and the others come and drag you kicking and screaming to the mansion so I can look after you myself."

And the funny thing was, that although Duo almost got hysterics of laughter at the thought of that happening and how funny it would look, he also realized that Quatre was at least 75% serious and would probably carry the threat out if he wasn't careful… and that sobered him up so he just nodded seriously.

"Good, now that's taken care of; are you sure you don't want to come over on Christmas day?"

A little nervously, Duo looked at his fingers. "Well you know…it's kind of…" better to just get it all out at once, and so it came out in a big rush. "You know I wanted to go and work in an orphanage… like you know… work with kids who have nothing and give them something that I never had… well chickie babe arranged for me to go and visit one over on Charlston for Christmas day. I told them I would provide a chunk of food for the dinner… and well… I'm kinda looking forward to it. I'm going to play Santa."

Quatre couldn't believe the huge grin that creased Duo's actually happy face. It made him look younger and less weary. "Wow Duo, that is great…" he saw a shadowed frown start to cross his friends face. "What is it Duo… what's wrong?"

"I slipped… I back pedaled…" He sighed. "I don't know if I should go now…"

"Oh don't be silly D! You have been working so hard towards this… have been trying so hard… we all have bad days once in a while… you were bound to have one sooner or later and you will be bound to have them again…"

A small smile spread across Duo's face… "You are pretty amazing Cat… sometimes it's like you know exactly what needs to be said." Looking at his watch Duo checked himself, he still needed to do some last minute shopping and things. "Call for a lift Cat, because I still need that car…"

"Oh Duo I don't need to go yet…I can…"

But what he could never got said because Duo interrupted rather insistently. "No Cat, as much as I love you dearly, you are going home. There are many reasons for this… among which are: I need to have some space before I go insane, I have a heap of shit to do before I go to sleep tonight… and well the last… if you don't go and get some quality lover time in with T and Wu-man… I have a feeling I'm going to get beaten to bloody pulp because I'm taking all your time."

Quatre laughed, and kept laughing as Duo pushed him towards the phone.

#*#

Heero frowned at his coffee. Actually he was just frowning, it just looked like he was frowning at his coffee. In actual fact, he was barely even registering that there was a mug of coffee in front of him, due to the fact that his mind was, at that point in time, occupied by other things.

Other things being: Duo.

Duo thought that they both needed to find who they were as separate people. So Heero tried to mull it over in his head. Although he could sort of see what Duo meant, he also had no idea. ~Ah who the hell am I kidding~ he actually had no clue what Duo meant.

For as long as he cared to remember, since before the war and meeting Duo he really didn't care to remember anything much at all, Duo had been with him. They hadn't had the most ideal relationship all of the time as far as Heero could see, but as far as things went, they loved each other and he had thought they were fine. The 18 months that he had been 'dead' had been the hardest time of his life since he had met Duo.

; Heero was extremely intelligent. However, that intelligence didn't always extend into the understandings of the more emotional aspects of life, and so, the moment he realized why Duo felt the way he did, it was no wonder that Heero turned pale.

"Oh my god…" Not that Heero believed in a god as such, it just seemed like an appropriate thing to say. Sitting down on the kitchen floor, he barely paid attention to the hot coffee spilling onto his hands. The 18 months he had been dead, he had known that he would… well he had, at any rate, thought that Duo and he would be fine after that. It had kept him going through all the lonely nights, all the times he had to literally stop himself from going to the braided man. But Duo, on the other hand… hadn't had that hope, all he had known was that his lover was dead, there had been no light at the end of the tunnel.

Lowering his head, Heero smacked the heel of his palm against his forehead repeatedly while muttering. "Idiot, Idiot, Idiot, Idiot!"

Well, it didn't take long for the logical part of Heero Yuy's brain to kick in and tell him to stop being a dickwad and killing brain cells and start thinking of ways to make things work.

So the problem was that Duo felt he had been too dependant on Heero for his own identity, so that when he lost Heero he lost everything. Although it hurt a little, Heero could not hold it against Duo, that Duo was, in short, making it possible for himself to survive if something should happen to Heero after they had gotten together again, if and when they did. This type of thinking was giving Heero a brain ache.

Looking back on his own behaviour from the beginning of their 'relationship', Heero almost cringed. Realizing that they had interwoven their lives so much that there was almost no definition of where one of them began and where one of them stopped. That had to be unhealthy. And he also realized just how daunting he found the prospect of not being near Duo. How hard he found it to get up and tackle the day, how scary it was to even contemplate that he might never be able to win Duo back… to win back the person that grounded him and made him feel human.

And of course with that realization the real shock hit; If he became human all on his own, then he would be more of a person for it, then Duo would have a whole person instead of just the half of a person he had had to pry out of their shell. Because Heero knew he could break past that training if Duo was there… why the hell should he not be able to if Duo wasn't. He shouldn't need to rely on Duo to make himself whole, he should be a whole that complimented Duo's…

Smiling, Heero stood up, placing the now cold coffee on the sink, happy with his revelation. Time for him to stop expecting Duo to put in the effort for him… time to start being himself himself… or, um… something like that.

With a perplexed face, trying to figure out all his previous thoughts, Heero headed to the shower, wondering exactly when Wufei would arrive, and hoping he had his thoughts ordered by then.

#*#

Numb and in shock, James pushed his way into the house they all lived in… arms huddled to his chest, tears streaming down his face… unnoticed. As quiet as he was however, his entry into the house was noticed. Although not making his presence known, the man watched the boy enter his bedroom, and shaking his head sadly, turned away.

Once inside his room, James dropped to his knees, unable to hold himself upright any longer. His throat hurt like hell, it burned… and his jaw felt like it was about to come unhinged. Something in the back of his mind told him that he could be glad that that was all that hurt, but for some reason that was no comfort to him right then and there.

Crawling to his bed he managed to pull himself up into it and curl himself into a fetal position. Rocking himself whilst clutching his pillow, he tried to make the visions go away, and popped a lolly into his mouth. It only took about five minutes for him to calm… for the peace to steal back over him. And his last thought before he drifted off to sleep, was that he was glad he didn't have to go back to 'work' until after Christmas again.

#*#

Wufei looked up from his morning paper as Trowa entered the kitchen, an uncharacteristic blush crossing his features as he remembered the previous night. ~And they say once you've been together a few years the passion goes out of a relationship…pfft!~ Idly he was wondering when Quatre was getting home. As much as he loved Duo, he missed his little one… an unbelievable amount, and wanted to have some time with him.

"Rashid just left." Trowa's head disappeared back into the fridge.

Wufei let a small smile grace his face. Most people wouldn't have understood what Trowa had just said… but to people who knew him he had said much much more than those three little words that it seemed he had. What Trowa had in fact said was: Rashid has just left the mansion to obviously go and pick up Quatre because Duo probably made him call to get picked up, knowing that we would want to see him and probably also to escape being mother henned. Even bet you he tells us this.

The onyx eyed man was still mulling over the many ways he knew his two lovers, when the car pulled up, bringing Quatre home to them.

Maintaining his usual decorum, Wufei followed Trowa to the entrance, smiling as he saw Quatre almost bounce in the door, sunlight playing off his golden locks and making him look downright angelic.

"Trowa! 'Fei!" The blond's voice was full of warmth and love as he kissed each of them in turn, lingering just that little bit longer than he had been meaning too and being enveloped in a three way hug, before being ushered into the lounge room and grilled as to how Duo was holding up.

Quatre sighed reluctantly. "He pretty much told me to stop mothering him, and to come home to spend time with you two."

One of Trowa's eyebrows raised as he looked in Wufei's direction.

A small laugh emerged from Wufei's throat. "Ok, ok you were right… you won."

A triumphant grin escaped Trowa's usually impassive face before he turned his attention back to Quatre.

It was nice to actually spend a little quality time together again. At least it was nice until it reached noon and Wufei glanced at his watch

"Sorry you two, I'm going to have to go soon…"

Again, one of Trowa's eyebrows shot up, asking where he was going, whilst Quatre voiced that thought.

"Where are you going 'Fei?" The adorable pout on his lips almost made Wufei consider staying.

"Going to go and visit Heero, told him I would come and spar with him…" Wufei's voice trailed off as he saw the expression on Quatre's face.

"No. Fucking. Way." Wufei flinched, Quatre had definitely been hanging around Duo too much.

"I'm going over Quatre."

"Great, nice way to show just how much you care about Duo, Chang Wufei!" Quatre was angry, his eyes almost blazing at his Chinese lover.

As usual, Wufei didn't lose his temper, instead, he pulled himself up to his full height and crossed his arms, letting that cold exterior settle over him that had served him so well in the beginning of the war. "And just what makes you think I would care less about one of my friends just because I chose not to abandon the other?" His tone was almost dangerous.

"Oh that's nice! Imply the rest of us abandoned him when he was the one who did the abandoning." Quatre's voice was scathing.

"We are supposed to judge a man we have been friends with for years, on one stupid mistake? One large stupid mistake but one nevertheless."

"If the shoe fits…"

Wufei's eyes narrowed. "And tell me Quatre Raberba Winner, you have never made a mistake?"

Quatre swallowed, actually unable to think of anything to say at that point in time, considering he couldn't actually say he had not made a mistake that had hurt all of his friends… since one of his mistakes had almost cost Trowa his life, and had at least cost the green eyed boy as he was then, his memory.

Satisfied somehow by the lack of response, Wufei nodded and turned on his heal. Pausing before he exited the house he turned and looked directly at Quatre. "I pray Quatre Winner, that you will never have someone judge you the way you are judging now."

And with that Wufei was gone.

Trowa threw his hands up in the air and exited to the garden, while Quatre tried to decide whether or not to ignore the queasy feeling in his stomach… he didn't feel like being the one in the wrong right then.

#*#

The third trip from the car managed to find Duo standing in amidst many different coloured packages, all wrapped in bright Christmas paper and bows. Pulling out his Santa suit he couldn't believe that he had actually agreed to be the Santa for the kids. But he figured it was a way to make sure they got a few nice things and a way to help him deal with things in his own past.

Leaving the gifts in a huge pile in the middle of his entry way, Duo made his way around and into the kitchen, whistling whilst he fixed himself coffee and opened the last minute Christmas mail that had arrived that day. He tossed the obligatory Christmas cards to him from the Preventers, since he was still technically employed there, on the bench and curled himself up onto one of the stools to open the rest.

Flicking through the usual bills and pleas for money donations considering he was actually worth a fair bit of money and that sort of thing started spreading around, he stopped when he came to a normal white envelope with a hand written address on the front. Curiosity piqued he opened it and slipped out the piece of paper.

After reading it once he blinked, rubbed his eyes and settled for reading it again. Turning it over in his hands he had to admit that it looked authentic, scrunching it he made sure it wasn't actually a dream… and then he stood and started bouncing around.

In mid February, the new years open mike nights at "Quaver", one of the most popular gathering spots around the area, would begin, and he had been given the 9pm slot on a Friday night. Apparently the, what he considered to be woefully amateur, recording that he had sent in had exhibited a fresh talent and style that was needed at that time slot. But Duo was having trouble getting it through his head that he would indeed be performing at a… well… a busy time slot.

Suddenly he shook a little. Could he do this? Would he make a fool of himself? All of a sudden his energy was gone and a nap seemed like an excellent idea.

#*#

Quatre was looking down at his hands, sitting primly on the couch with a frown on his face. Somehow his fingers seemed amazingly interesting as he tried to concentrate on them instead of his heavy and nagging heart. Hands brushed his shoulders lightly, alerting him to their owners presence, and he leant his head against one of them as they began to knead the knots in his neck.

"You know Cat, he has a very valid point." Trowa concentrated on easing the tension out of the blonde's shoulders and trying to let his lover come to terms with the fact that he was overreacting.

A sigh escaped him as his aquamarine eyes closed briefly. "I know, Trow… I just… I react badly where Duo is concerned… I feel like I need to take care of him."

Removing himself from behind Quatre, Trowa sat down next to him and pulled him into leaning against his chest. "You feel his pain little one."

Tears leaked down Quatre's face, as he turned large swimming aquamarine eyes up to look at the green eyed boy, his voice full of anguish as he spoke: "That's just it, Trowa, I can't feel his pain. I know he's hiding it from me, and I know it's huge."

Leaning down, Trowa kissed his lover tenderly, making up his mind to take away as much of his pain as he could.

#*#

Although he had intended to go straight to Heero's, Wufei found himself driving around a little aimlessly first. He felt bad for the argument, but at the same time he was angry at Quatre for being so, well, so close minded. He seemed not to be able to let go of it, to be hell bent on never forgiving Heero, and while Wufei agreed that Heero had been wrong to do what he did, he also realized that Heero, being who he was, had played a huge part in the way he had reacted.

Sighing, Wufei blinked as he realized that he had pulled up outside Heero's apartment. Slowly, he got out of the car, his melancholy mood making him idly wonder if it was an entirely good idea to be sparing. Of course, then logic kicked in telling him that it was an ideal idea, considering that both he and Heero needed to blow off some pent up frustration.

Hand raised to knock at the door, a smile spread across his face as he saw Heero open it.

"Never could surprise you, Heero." Wufei nodded curtly before entering the ground floor apartment.

"Old habits die hard, Chang." Heero closed the door behind them.

Gesturing to the back yard that could be seen through sliding doors, Wufei raised an eyebrow, as if in unconscious imitation of Trowa. "Always an escape route?" A light smile crossed his lips.

Nodding, Heero entered his kitchen, opening the fridge to get out two drinks for them and handing one to his friend. "Never hurts to be prepared."

Wufei almost choked on a mouthful of his drink as he caught a smirk coming from Heero.

On his way into the back yard Heero looked at his drink as if it could save his life. Stopping abruptly with a hand resting on the door handle, Wufei had to stop himself from running into Heero.

Face still looking at the door, Heero spoke softly. "Wufei… can I ask you something?"

Something in Heero's voice made Wufei lower his as well. "Of course you can Heero."

With a sigh of relief the Prussian eyed man turned to face his friend. "Do you… think that I am… myself?" Wait, that didn't sound quite right. He tried again, attempting not to notice the perplexed look on Wufei's face. "I mean, do you think that all you see when I spend time with you all, is who I am?"

At that particular point in time Wufei was trying greatly not to look too much like a giant carp, and was failing abysmally. For one, he had just heard Heero Yuy start an actual conversation about something that didn't involve technology, and for a second thing, the same Heero Yuy was asking him, Wufei Chang, to help him.

But he was at a loss of what to say, and, well, to be honest, he didn't even really understand the question. They all knew that Heero was anti-social, so just what did he mean by what he had asked? "I want to be able to answer Heero, but I don't think I'm understanding the question properly."

A frustrated expression crossed Heero's face, so that not even he himself noticed that he wasn't putting up the usual wall he usually did around anyone else. "I…Damn it…" He stalked over to the couch and threw himself onto it, almost spilling the soda he had in his hand. "This is so hard without him, Chang!" Clenching and unclenching his free hand, Heero took a deep breath. "I revert… when I am not around him. When with him… I am more than I ever thought I could be… does that make sense?" Damn it, Heero didn't care; he needed someone to talk to.

Carefully, Wufei sat himself on the couch arm, looking down at Heero's dejected expression. "You mean you lock up, like you were trained to, when in a room with people?" He was trying to understand, really trying.

"Well, yes… well, no… kind of…When it's just us, I am fine… I can be relaxed, I can laugh… I can be the me… the me I want to be…" Heero studied his fingers intently before continuing. "And I know he put up with the way I was around others … because he knew how I could be, but… now… I don't like that me… and I have no… well… I want to be the me he made me… but be able to be me without him…am I making any sense?"

Still trying to process this obviously emotionally vulnerable Heero Yuy, Wufei looked at his friend. "You are… in a way…but I'm confused…" At Heero's questioning look, the chinese man continued. "Are you saying the you we've come to know, isn't you?"

Heero was struggling with his feelings, was struggling with letting someone else in, but he knew he needed to at least let someone help him, or else he was never going to be the person he wanted to be, the person he knew who could love Duo the way he deserved to be, the someone who wouldn't put a mission before his lover. His voice was soft when he finally spoke.

"No… you know me… in a way… you know the me I was raised to be. Methodical, distant, the perfect soldier…" He almost spat out the last words, a look of pure distaste briefly crossing his face. "He…he showed me how to feel, that I wouldn't fail because I felt, that feeling could somehow make me stronger, give me a reason to go on, when logic wouldn't help. And he showed me that you could care for people without hurting them… and that caring didn't always mean sexual love… When I was with him, I could let go of the training that bound me, but when I came to be around others, it snapped back into place…" Raising his eyes he finally looked at his Chinese friend. "I want it gone. I want to be the person he showed me I can be. Not just because he liked that person… but because I did."

Wufei noticed that his friends breaths were coming in short gasps, somehow he had gotten a little worked up. "So, Heero… what is it I can do?"

Hope filled Prussian eyes, "Help me?"

Not really knowing what it was he could do, but feeling a sudden determination to do it, Wufei nodded. "I'll help Heero, wherever I can."

A simple grateful nod was given from the Japanese man, before he stood up and headed towards the back yard again. "Now … let's work off some steam."

#*#

Noises woke James. He groaned as he stretched his small form out on the bed, his throat feeling red raw. Curling up on his other side he tried to fight the images that kept filling his head, but failed miserably. Again he began rocking himself, and as the tears fell down his face once more, he ignored the time passing outside the door of his tiny room, and let himself sink into oblivion once more.

#*#

Duo stirred in his sleep, muttering under his breath, which was coming in short gasps. His eyelids flickered as his sleep deepened and he fell into dreams he would rather forget. Eyes opened blindly, his brain not actually awake, as he looked at something in his mind, and screamed, horror written all over his usually beautiful features.

~~**~~

To be Continued

Well you see, I was going to finish the day before I finished the chapter, but I decided otherwise… the day will be finished in the next chapter /snicker

Anyway… hope you enjoyed.

~Arith