Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Cost of Honour Trilogy #3 - Paid in Full ❯ Chapter 2
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.07.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 564 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.07.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 564 | Status: Completed
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Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 2/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 5, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
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Heero fervently wished that he and Duo had stayed in the privacy of their wing and had a tray sent up for supper just as they had for breakfast and dinner. They had spent the entire day by themselves, talking and making love and just enjoying being together after a week apart. It had been a wonderful day, one that left them both contented and relaxed.
A relaxation that was becoming a more distant memory with every passing moment. 'At least Quatre waited until we were done eating to bring this up...' he thought grimly.
"Duo, Wufei just wants to talk to you," Quatre insisted gently. "Why not see what he has to say? He told me that he just wants to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. That he needs to let go of the guilt."
Duo shoved his chair back from the table and stood abruptly. "No! I have no interest in anything *he* has to say. If the rest of you want to be friends with him again, go ahead, that's up to you and I won't hold it against you. Just don't expect me to have anything to do with him, Quatre. If he feels guilty then good. He deserves it," he said bitterly.
"But Duo, don't you owe..." Quatre protested.
"Forget it Q, I don't *owe* him a single fucking thing." Duo spun and stalked furiously out of the room.
Heero sighed and stood, suddenly feeling very tired. He didn't really want Duo to talk to Wufei yet at the same time he was afraid that the sheer strength of emotion behind Duo's refusal meant that he was still deeply in love with Wufei. 'Is it better for him to face Wufei and get this all out in the open or not? I don't want to lose him... I *can't*...' But holding a grudge wasn't good for Duo. Wasn't good for him and wasn't typical of his usual forgiving nature.
"Heero, he needs to face Wufei," Quatre urged, brow wrinkled in concern. "All that bitterness and anger - it's not good for him. It will eat him up inside if he doesn't let it go."
Shaking his head, Heero said quietly, "I know. But it's his choice, Quatre. Don't push him. You'll only end up alienating him from you too."
"But Heero..."
Trowa spoke up for the first time since the conversation began. "No, Quatre. Stay out of it. Wufei requested that you ask Duo to speak with him and you did. Let it go. Heero's right, it's up to Duo now and unless you want to make him angry with you too then you'd better back off."
Heero gave Trowa a grateful nod of thanks as Quatre subsided unhappily. They all tended to listen when Trowa spoke simply because he never wasted words. He had a way of cutting right to the heart of the matter and none of them ever took his opinion lightly.
"Goodnight," Heero said simply before turning to go find Duo. He headed straight for the manor's gym but found no sign of Duo. 'The pool then...' he thought, detouring to change into swim trunks and pick up towels before heading outdoors.
He stood and watched for a while as Duo stroked his way through furious laps, flipping and pushing off so hard at each end that he glided half the pool's length before beginning to stroke again. With a deep sigh, Heero made a flat dive in, surfacing to match Duo's pace. They swam in unison for quite a while, then Heero gradually began to slow down the pace. Duo slowed with him. 'Good, he's worked off the worst of it...' Heero thought thankfully. After a few more laps, Heero boosted himself up on the edge to sit rather than flipping around and pushing off again.
Duo treaded water for a moment, then gave him a sheepish look. "I think I'm going to need a hand," he muttered. "My arms are kind of tired..."
Heero held out one hand silently and helped Duo drag himself out of the pool. "Better?" Heero asked.
"Yeah. I don't feel like I want to deck Q anymore at least." Duo was silent for a moment, then slid along the edge of the pool to lean against Heero's side. "Heero, I just - I just want to *forget* about everything that happened. What good will it do to dig it all up again? Everything's been going so great; we're happy; why the hell did *he* have to call and want to open old wounds again?"
Heero sighed and wrapped his arm around Duo. "Maybe because those wounds never truly healed for either of you? You weren't in any shape to face him after he broke the news to you and I don't think he could stand to face you either. Neither of you had any real closure." He stopped for a moment, forcing himself to separate the things that his fear of losing Duo made him want to say from the truth and stick to the truth. Painfully honest, he continued, "I'm not trying to excuse what he did, koi, not in the least, but it wasn't easy for him. He did what he felt that he had to do; he didn't think that he had any choice. I didn't agree then any more than I do now but I *do* understand what drove him to act as he did. You said it yourself at the time - Wufei felt that he had to go through with the marriage or he would tarnish his family's honour. He felt that it was his duty to follow the wishes of the clan elders."
"I know," Duo whispered softly. "But Heero, there's *always* choices. They're not always *good* choices, but they always exist. He didn't even consider any other choices, didn't give *me* any choice in the whole thing. I think maybe that's what makes me the most angry. That he didn't come to me, tell me the position he was in, and discuss it with me. He just made a decision and informed me of it after the fact. As if his feelings about it were the only ones that mattered. As if my feelings didn't matter... As if *I* didn't matter... God, 'Ro, that hurt so much, almost as much as him leaving did..."
As Duo's body started to shake with harsh, long-delayed sobs, Heero hurriedly stood and lifted him, carrying him back into the house and up to the privacy of their room. 'Finally...' he thought. Duo never had allowed himself to weep for his loss before; he had simply shut it all out, blocked it off and ignored it. 'Maybe once he lets himself grieve for what he lost he'll be ready to face Wufei again...' Though whether that was itself a good thing or not, Heero was not entirely sure.
***
Gently rocking her daughter in her arms, Jun listened silently while Wufei spoke with his friends on the vid-phone. The blond - Quatre - was apologetic but explained that Duo was not willing to even consider hearing what he had to say. "I'm sorry, Wufei, but I can't push any harder. Just give him some time to think about it, maybe he'll change his mind..."
"Thank you for trying, Quatre," Wufei said in a stilted tone. "I have to go now. I'll be in touch again. Goodbye." He barely let Quatre and the other man finish saying their own farewells before punching the disconnect button. He stood, head down, hands so tightly fisted that the cords in his neck stood out sharply.
"Wufei?" Jun said softly.
He shook his head sharply. "Leave me be."
Hesitantly, Jun turned to leave the room, only to be stopped in the doorway by Wufei's voice.
"Duo never used to hold grudges. He was always so generous and forgiving. So loving. He always said that everyone deserved a second chance. He's changed... *I* changed him by betraying him, abandoning him... Oh god, what have I done? Yuy was always his best friend, but Duo was *my* best friend. I've lost that too..."
'Oh Wufei...' Jun hurried down the hall to put Mei in her crib then returned to pull Wufei into her arms, rocking him gently back and forth as he grieved, weeping brokenly for everything he'd given up in the name of duty and honour. And she wept with him, saying a final farewell to her own broken dreams. Dreams that had been dealt their final blow mere days ago when the man she loved announced his engagement to one of the girls that had been freed from a marriage contract. Freed by the changes that Jun and Wufei had instituted in the months since she had taken over control of the clan.
***
Duo woke with a gasp, dragged from his nightmare by Heero's voice calling him. He blinked up at Heero's worried face. "Heero... 'Sokay, I'm awake..." he panted, struggling to get his breathing under control.
Heero continued to hover anxiously so Duo firmly pushed him over and down to the bed, crawling to drape himself over Heero and press his ear against Heero's chest, letting Heero's reassuring heartbeat banish the lingering remnants of panic. 'Damn, his heart's racing almost as fast as mine... I must've really been caught up in the dream...' Duo thought guiltily.
Heero's arms closed around him and started to gently rub his back. After a moment, Heero asked hesitantly, "Why do you always want to lie like this after you dream about..." His voice trailed off uncertainly.
"Because listening to your heartbeat reminds me that you *didn't* die, that you're alive and you're here with me," Duo answered, puzzled as to why Heero hadn't figured that out for himself.
He was even more puzzled when Heero's heartrate jumped again and Heero gasped, "What?!"
Duo raised his head and propped himself up so that he could see Heero's face. Patiently, he repeated, "Listening to your heartbeat reminds me that you're okay. That the shot didn't kill you."
Heero's mouth opened and closed a few times before he choked out, "You mean - those nightmares are about *me*?!"
"Of course they are, what did you..." Duo stopped in mid-sentence as he realized what Heero must have thought. "Oh shit, Heero, you mean you thought I was dreaming about *Wufei* all those times? God love, I thought you *knew*. Yeah, I have nightmares once in a while about W-Wufei leaving, but the really bad ones are about that time you got shot protecting me! It's *you* that I'm begging not to leave me, 'Ro, begging you not to die and leave me alone. Not him!"
Seeing the look of shock and disbelief on Heero's face change to one of relieved wonder, Duo realized just how much this must have been eating away at Heero. How much it must have hurt, thinking that in spite of how much they loved each other, Duo still had nightmares - *bad* ones - about Wufei leaving him...
"God 'Ro, I am so, *so* sorry. I shouldn't have assumed you knew..." He leaned over to kiss Heero in tender apology. "Listen to me, koibito. I love *you*. I am *in love* with *you*. Yes, part of me does still love W-Wufei. But I'm not *in* love with him anymore. He destroyed that when he betrayed our love and shattered my trust in him." Watching Heero's face closely, Duo could see the small changes being created by his words. The tiny wrinkles of anxiety smoothing. The faint shadows lifting from Heero's eyes. Cursing himself for his thoughtlessness in not having made at least that much clear before, Duo forced himself to continue. To put into words things that he had only come to terms with himself in the past week since the night he'd finally let himself grieve for what he had lost. For what Wufei had destroyed in the name of honour and duty.
"Wufei was my first love. Badly though it ended, I can't belittle what we had by pretending that it wasn't good while it lasted. But what you and I have together, Heero, is just as special. It isn't the *same*, no more than two snowflakes are the same. But that doesn't mean it's any less beautiful, any less wonderful." Duo swallowed, gathering his nerve. Before that night that he'd wept in Heero's arms, that night that he'd finally grieved, he *couldn't* have said all of this. Now, it was still difficult and it hurt, but Heero needed to hear it. Needed to know and understand that he wasn't "second best".
"What Wufei and I had was wonderful. It was giddy and crazy and I was wildly in love." Duo winced at the flicker of pain that caused in Heero's eyes. Quickly, he continued, "What you and I have is deep and steady. Our love is the steadfast anchor in my life. Something that I can always rely on. We have our wild-and-crazy moments too - as poor Iria discovered when she dropped by without calling ahead and caught us fulfilling a fantasy on the grand staircase while Q and Tro were away and the household staff had the day off..." Duo smiled as that memory drew an embarrassed flush and a small hint of a snicker from Heero. He stroked his fingers gently down Heero's cheek. "But there's more to our relationship than just that. Wufei and I didn't have the opportunity to develop that deeper relationship even though we were together longer. I *thought* we had something deeper and I think we'd at least started in that direction but there wasn't enough there to stand against his clan elders.
"You and I developed that deeper relationship first. We *had* to because I was such a fucked-up mess. The trust and the patience and the understanding had to come first or we'd have never gotten any further. But the love had to be there before any of that could happen. And it was. It *is*.
"Heero, you are my second *chance* at love, not second best. You don't need to ever feel threatened by Wufei, koi. Even if he were to come back, free of obligations, and ask for another chance, I WOULD *NOT* leave you for him. I'll swear it on my cross and my braid and anything else you want me to." He leaned forward to hover with his lips directly over Heero's, gazes intently locked. "I." He kissed Heero deeply and fiercely, then drew back and said, "Love," before diving in for another passionate kiss. "*You!*" he uttered fervently before bringing their lips together again.
As the tables turned and Heero took control of the kiss, Duo spared a brief thought for Wufei's request to speak to him. 'I think... I think I need to agree. More for Heero's sake than my own. Heero needs to know that I've moved on... That Wufei isn't going to take me away from him...'
***
Wufei's eyes went wide with surprise and trepidation. 'An email message from *Duo*?' Hesitantly, he opened it and read the brief, curt message, wincing at the abruptness of it. He realized again that he had not only forfeited Duo's love but his friendship as well, something that the tone of the message made quite clear. His hand hovered for a moment, ready to reply, but he realized that there was no point in replying until he had discussed this with Jun. 'I can't simply go racing off to L4 without clearing it with her first. I have to make sure that I won't be needed here for the couple of days that I'll be gone.'
Realistically speaking, he needed to make sure that he would not be needed for several days afterwards as well. Because he doubted that this was going to be a very pleasant experience.
***
Heero read Wufei's reply to Duo's message, leaning over the back of Duo's chair and resting his chin on Duo's shoulder as he did so. He was glad that Wufei had been able to arrange to come next weekend; he really wanted this over and done with and presumably Duo felt the same way. 'I know he's doing this for me more than for him... I probably should be protesting that he doesn't need to do it for me but I can't.'
Duo's assurances several nights ago had helped a great deal but Heero still couldn't stop worrying a bit over Duo's feelings towards Wufei. He didn't doubt that Duo meant what he said - but Duo hadn't been face-to-face with Wufei in person since the day that Wufei told him that their relationship was over. Heero couldn't help wondering whether Duo would feel the same way after meeting Wufei and hearing what he had to say. Couldn't help wondering exactly what Wufei *would* say for that matter. 'What if...'
"Stop it," Duo said firmly, one hand raising to press Heero's cheek tightly to his. "Heero, *I'm* supposed to be the one with abandonment issues here, not you. I love you and I'm not going anywhere without you."
Turning his face to nuzzle Duo's palm, Heero said softly, "How..."
"Because now that I know what you've been thinking, I just have to imagine what I'd think if I were in your place," Duo explained gently, twisting in his chair to meet Heero's eyes. "I don't lie, remember? I love you and I will *not* leave you. Ai shiteru, 'Ro. Zutto. Eien ni."
Heero pivoted Duo's chair to face him and sat straddling Duo's lap. He leaned his forehead against Duo's and said fervently, "Ai shiteru yo, Duo. Zutto. Eien ni." He kissed the tip of Duo's nose then apologized, "I'm sorry koi, I don't mean to doubt you. I know you love me. I just..."
Duo shook his head slightly and said, "It's okay. I've been through the same thing, remember? Trusting and believing yet at the same time..." He shrugged slightly, a wry half-grin on his face. "I do understand 'Ro. It's not exactly something you've got a hell of a lot of control over. And me assuming too much and ending up letting you believe all this time that I've been having shaking, screaming, nightmares over Wufei when they were really over *you* can't exactly have helped matters any."
Heero simply closed his eyes and dropped his head against Duo's shoulder, burying his face in the soft, thick braid that trailed over it. He felt guilty over the fact that he was glad Duo's nightmares were about him. He would rather that Duo not have nightmares at all but since he *did* have them, Heero had to admit that he had been incredibly relieved to find out that they were about *him*, not Wufei.
And he felt awful for doubting Duo, for fearing that Duo would leave him for Wufei, but he couldn't help it. He remembered too well how happy Duo and Wufei had been together. And while Duo was, he hoped, at least *almost* that happy with him, it was hard to tell. Duo had changed so much in the aftermath of losing Wufei that it was difficult to compare his previous self with the way he was now. He was much less open, more guarded and wary, particularly in the presence of anyone other than Quatre, Trowa, and Heero. 'But he *does* laugh and smile for me... And he *says* that he's happy...' But Heero was still afraid.
***
Duo took one look at the hold Heero had on his braid and resigned himself to staying put until Heero woke up. He had intended to go for a swim this morning to try and work off some of his own attack of nerves before Wufei's arrival but even if he *could* get his braid out of Heero's grasp he didn't think leaving him to wake up alone would be a good idea. Not when he was holding on this tightly even in his sleep. 'Hopefully after today he'll be able to believe that he has nothing to fear. That I won't leave him for Wufei.'
Though Duo wasn't sure where the hell Heero had come up with the notion that Wufei would even ask him such a thing. *He* certainly couldn't find anything in either the initial request that Quatre had relayed or Wufei's response to his email that implied something like that. 'But I know damn well that subconscious fears and reality don't necessarily have to have anything in common. And after how patient and understanding Heero was - hell, still is - over *my* issues I'm not about to quibble over him having a few fears of his own.'
But he didn't like seeing Heero like this. Seeing him worried and hurting. It made his own heart ache. And so the hope that him facing Wufei would relieve Heero's fears was the force driving him into a meeting that he really did not want to experience. A meeting that was going to be damn painful at best. And downright ugly at worst. Particularly if he let his temper get away from him.
Nearly three years of bottled up anger and bitterness seethed inside him. And although the night that he'd finally let himself grieve for everything that he'd lost, the night that he'd started actually *talking* to Heero about what happened and how he felt about it, had finally started the healing process and had let off a bit of the pressure, there hadn't been enough time since then to truly heal. Not even enough time to release very much of the buildup of negative emotions. Which was not a good way to be going into this.
Because despite how angry and bitter he was, Duo *did* still care about Wufei, even though he wasn't in love with him anymore, and he did not really want to hurt him. And if Wufei had any feelings left for him at all, he knew that he *could* hurt Wufei and hurt him badly. Which would not be right and would not make Duo feel any better in the long run, though it would probably feel damn satisfying while he was actually doing it. Both because he would be making Wufei hurt the way that he had until he built his protective barriers and because the fact that he *could* hurt Wufei would prove that Wufei did actually care for him. Despite the evidence to the contrary.
Duo stopped himself as his thoughts started to slide back into the old, familiar bitterness. 'That isn't fair. I know that he *did* love me. He just - loved his family's honour more. I just wish that his clan had found him sooner. Before he courted me and we fell in love. Heero would have still realized that he loved me and I'd have ended up with him but without all the pain.'
Did he really wish that? Would he really want to give up the good times that he and Wufei had together in order to avoid the pain that followed? Suddenly, Duo wasn't so sure.
And as for Heero and himself - would they have such a strong relationship if they hadn't had to work so hard at it? Would he cherish it as much if he didn't know how quickly and easily it could be lost? Or would the two of them have taken their love for granted the way that he and Wufei had and possibly destroyed it through a thoughtless act or by allowing something to come between them? 'I don't know... I don't *think* we would have - but I can't be sure. I know that what happened changed me and not all of the changes were bad ones. I'm less impulsive than I used to be for one thing. More likely to think before I speak. To consider possible outcomes before I act.' And those changes made him less impatient with Heero's own thoroughness. Made him less likely to become frustrated or upset with Heero's attention to detail. Made him more appreciative of Heero's steady, quiet presence and unwavering support.
'Father always said that things happened for a reason. Of course, he never actually said that it had to be a *good* reason... But there's really no point in wondering "what if". Things happened the way that they did and nothing can change that. I need to let go of the anger and bitterness. To let go of the past and just appreciate what I have now.'
Though appreciating what he had now certainly wasn't a problem, Duo thought as he shifted to curl more comfortably against Heero's side. He was well aware of just how fortunate he was.
***
Wufei accepted his daughter's sleeping form from Jun willingly. He hoped that having all three of them show up instead of just him wouldn't inconvenience Quatre too badly; he felt a bit guilty that he had barely had time to send Quatre an email message before leaving for the shuttleport. But when Jun offered at the last minute to accompany him, he had been unable to bring himself to refuse her support. And even less able to refuse the comfort of having baby Meilan with him.
'I can't really say that the other ex-pilots are my only friends anymore. Jun is my friend too...' And like his friendship with the other former Gundam pilots, his friendship with Jun was built on a foundation of similar trials and shared experiences. And where he had learned to respect the other pilots for their dedication to the welfare of the colonies, he had learned to respect Jun for her dedication to the welfare of the clan.
While the elders had claimed to have the clan's best interests at heart, had used that as an excuse to manipulate and control, Jun genuinely *did* have its well-being at heart. The difference in her definition of the clan's well-being from that of the elders was the key to all the changes that had been instituted so far. The clan elders thought only of the clan as a whole, as an entity in and of itself. A collection of lineages and traditions that had to be preserved regardless of the welfare of the individuals within that entity. Jun, on the other hand, believed that the clan would thrive as long as the individuals within it were happy and content. That her responsibility as clan head was to protect the happiness of the members of the clan - not "the clan". That the personal well-being of individuals outweighed that of the clan as a whole yet would in fact *ensure* the clan's well-being. That lineages and traditions were interesting subjects of study but should not be the motivating force behind decisions.
The elders didn't like Jun very much. Or Wufei for that matter. 'They got what they wanted when they forced us to wed - or rather, they thought they did. But then they found out that neither Jun nor I was as docile and obedient as they believed. That Jun took her responsibility as clan head very seriously indeed and would not allow herself to be treated as a mere figurehead.' In a way, Wufei supposed that Jun considered the entire next generation, their daughter's generation, hers to mother and protect. 'We are both fulfilling our duty to the clan - but not in the manner that the elders expected us to do so.'
Wufei motioned for Jun to lead the way out of the shuttle, shaking his head in response to her offer to take Mei back and put her in her travel seat now that Jun had tidied her clothes and gathered her things. He needed his daughter in his arms right now, reminding him that not *everything* that had happened as a result of his choice was bad. He wished that he had handled things better, that he had broken the news to Duo more gently, that he hadn't broken off all contact with the others for so long - but he could not honestly say that he wished he had never married Jun. Not while he was holding their precious child. And as guilty as that made him feel, it was also the only thing that gave him the strength to face the others again. To face Duo again. To ask for forgiveness and hopefully be relieved of the guilt that tinged his love for his daughter.
He hoped that this trip ended with his friendship with Quatre and Trowa renewed. Hoped that Heero would at least be willing to be civil to him by now. And as for Duo... Well, Wufei hoped that Duo would at least give him the forgiveness he was seeking. Much as he would like to have more than that, to have Duo's friendship back, he wasn't sure that such a thing was possible. Wasn't sure that it would *ever* be possible. And he regretted that almost as much as he regretted the fact that Duo would never be more than a friend to him again.
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Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 2/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 5, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Heero fervently wished that he and Duo had stayed in the privacy of their wing and had a tray sent up for supper just as they had for breakfast and dinner. They had spent the entire day by themselves, talking and making love and just enjoying being together after a week apart. It had been a wonderful day, one that left them both contented and relaxed.
A relaxation that was becoming a more distant memory with every passing moment. 'At least Quatre waited until we were done eating to bring this up...' he thought grimly.
"Duo, Wufei just wants to talk to you," Quatre insisted gently. "Why not see what he has to say? He told me that he just wants to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. That he needs to let go of the guilt."
Duo shoved his chair back from the table and stood abruptly. "No! I have no interest in anything *he* has to say. If the rest of you want to be friends with him again, go ahead, that's up to you and I won't hold it against you. Just don't expect me to have anything to do with him, Quatre. If he feels guilty then good. He deserves it," he said bitterly.
"But Duo, don't you owe..." Quatre protested.
"Forget it Q, I don't *owe* him a single fucking thing." Duo spun and stalked furiously out of the room.
Heero sighed and stood, suddenly feeling very tired. He didn't really want Duo to talk to Wufei yet at the same time he was afraid that the sheer strength of emotion behind Duo's refusal meant that he was still deeply in love with Wufei. 'Is it better for him to face Wufei and get this all out in the open or not? I don't want to lose him... I *can't*...' But holding a grudge wasn't good for Duo. Wasn't good for him and wasn't typical of his usual forgiving nature.
"Heero, he needs to face Wufei," Quatre urged, brow wrinkled in concern. "All that bitterness and anger - it's not good for him. It will eat him up inside if he doesn't let it go."
Shaking his head, Heero said quietly, "I know. But it's his choice, Quatre. Don't push him. You'll only end up alienating him from you too."
"But Heero..."
Trowa spoke up for the first time since the conversation began. "No, Quatre. Stay out of it. Wufei requested that you ask Duo to speak with him and you did. Let it go. Heero's right, it's up to Duo now and unless you want to make him angry with you too then you'd better back off."
Heero gave Trowa a grateful nod of thanks as Quatre subsided unhappily. They all tended to listen when Trowa spoke simply because he never wasted words. He had a way of cutting right to the heart of the matter and none of them ever took his opinion lightly.
"Goodnight," Heero said simply before turning to go find Duo. He headed straight for the manor's gym but found no sign of Duo. 'The pool then...' he thought, detouring to change into swim trunks and pick up towels before heading outdoors.
He stood and watched for a while as Duo stroked his way through furious laps, flipping and pushing off so hard at each end that he glided half the pool's length before beginning to stroke again. With a deep sigh, Heero made a flat dive in, surfacing to match Duo's pace. They swam in unison for quite a while, then Heero gradually began to slow down the pace. Duo slowed with him. 'Good, he's worked off the worst of it...' Heero thought thankfully. After a few more laps, Heero boosted himself up on the edge to sit rather than flipping around and pushing off again.
Duo treaded water for a moment, then gave him a sheepish look. "I think I'm going to need a hand," he muttered. "My arms are kind of tired..."
Heero held out one hand silently and helped Duo drag himself out of the pool. "Better?" Heero asked.
"Yeah. I don't feel like I want to deck Q anymore at least." Duo was silent for a moment, then slid along the edge of the pool to lean against Heero's side. "Heero, I just - I just want to *forget* about everything that happened. What good will it do to dig it all up again? Everything's been going so great; we're happy; why the hell did *he* have to call and want to open old wounds again?"
Heero sighed and wrapped his arm around Duo. "Maybe because those wounds never truly healed for either of you? You weren't in any shape to face him after he broke the news to you and I don't think he could stand to face you either. Neither of you had any real closure." He stopped for a moment, forcing himself to separate the things that his fear of losing Duo made him want to say from the truth and stick to the truth. Painfully honest, he continued, "I'm not trying to excuse what he did, koi, not in the least, but it wasn't easy for him. He did what he felt that he had to do; he didn't think that he had any choice. I didn't agree then any more than I do now but I *do* understand what drove him to act as he did. You said it yourself at the time - Wufei felt that he had to go through with the marriage or he would tarnish his family's honour. He felt that it was his duty to follow the wishes of the clan elders."
"I know," Duo whispered softly. "But Heero, there's *always* choices. They're not always *good* choices, but they always exist. He didn't even consider any other choices, didn't give *me* any choice in the whole thing. I think maybe that's what makes me the most angry. That he didn't come to me, tell me the position he was in, and discuss it with me. He just made a decision and informed me of it after the fact. As if his feelings about it were the only ones that mattered. As if my feelings didn't matter... As if *I* didn't matter... God, 'Ro, that hurt so much, almost as much as him leaving did..."
As Duo's body started to shake with harsh, long-delayed sobs, Heero hurriedly stood and lifted him, carrying him back into the house and up to the privacy of their room. 'Finally...' he thought. Duo never had allowed himself to weep for his loss before; he had simply shut it all out, blocked it off and ignored it. 'Maybe once he lets himself grieve for what he lost he'll be ready to face Wufei again...' Though whether that was itself a good thing or not, Heero was not entirely sure.
***
Gently rocking her daughter in her arms, Jun listened silently while Wufei spoke with his friends on the vid-phone. The blond - Quatre - was apologetic but explained that Duo was not willing to even consider hearing what he had to say. "I'm sorry, Wufei, but I can't push any harder. Just give him some time to think about it, maybe he'll change his mind..."
"Thank you for trying, Quatre," Wufei said in a stilted tone. "I have to go now. I'll be in touch again. Goodbye." He barely let Quatre and the other man finish saying their own farewells before punching the disconnect button. He stood, head down, hands so tightly fisted that the cords in his neck stood out sharply.
"Wufei?" Jun said softly.
He shook his head sharply. "Leave me be."
Hesitantly, Jun turned to leave the room, only to be stopped in the doorway by Wufei's voice.
"Duo never used to hold grudges. He was always so generous and forgiving. So loving. He always said that everyone deserved a second chance. He's changed... *I* changed him by betraying him, abandoning him... Oh god, what have I done? Yuy was always his best friend, but Duo was *my* best friend. I've lost that too..."
'Oh Wufei...' Jun hurried down the hall to put Mei in her crib then returned to pull Wufei into her arms, rocking him gently back and forth as he grieved, weeping brokenly for everything he'd given up in the name of duty and honour. And she wept with him, saying a final farewell to her own broken dreams. Dreams that had been dealt their final blow mere days ago when the man she loved announced his engagement to one of the girls that had been freed from a marriage contract. Freed by the changes that Jun and Wufei had instituted in the months since she had taken over control of the clan.
***
Duo woke with a gasp, dragged from his nightmare by Heero's voice calling him. He blinked up at Heero's worried face. "Heero... 'Sokay, I'm awake..." he panted, struggling to get his breathing under control.
Heero continued to hover anxiously so Duo firmly pushed him over and down to the bed, crawling to drape himself over Heero and press his ear against Heero's chest, letting Heero's reassuring heartbeat banish the lingering remnants of panic. 'Damn, his heart's racing almost as fast as mine... I must've really been caught up in the dream...' Duo thought guiltily.
Heero's arms closed around him and started to gently rub his back. After a moment, Heero asked hesitantly, "Why do you always want to lie like this after you dream about..." His voice trailed off uncertainly.
"Because listening to your heartbeat reminds me that you *didn't* die, that you're alive and you're here with me," Duo answered, puzzled as to why Heero hadn't figured that out for himself.
He was even more puzzled when Heero's heartrate jumped again and Heero gasped, "What?!"
Duo raised his head and propped himself up so that he could see Heero's face. Patiently, he repeated, "Listening to your heartbeat reminds me that you're okay. That the shot didn't kill you."
Heero's mouth opened and closed a few times before he choked out, "You mean - those nightmares are about *me*?!"
"Of course they are, what did you..." Duo stopped in mid-sentence as he realized what Heero must have thought. "Oh shit, Heero, you mean you thought I was dreaming about *Wufei* all those times? God love, I thought you *knew*. Yeah, I have nightmares once in a while about W-Wufei leaving, but the really bad ones are about that time you got shot protecting me! It's *you* that I'm begging not to leave me, 'Ro, begging you not to die and leave me alone. Not him!"
Seeing the look of shock and disbelief on Heero's face change to one of relieved wonder, Duo realized just how much this must have been eating away at Heero. How much it must have hurt, thinking that in spite of how much they loved each other, Duo still had nightmares - *bad* ones - about Wufei leaving him...
"God 'Ro, I am so, *so* sorry. I shouldn't have assumed you knew..." He leaned over to kiss Heero in tender apology. "Listen to me, koibito. I love *you*. I am *in love* with *you*. Yes, part of me does still love W-Wufei. But I'm not *in* love with him anymore. He destroyed that when he betrayed our love and shattered my trust in him." Watching Heero's face closely, Duo could see the small changes being created by his words. The tiny wrinkles of anxiety smoothing. The faint shadows lifting from Heero's eyes. Cursing himself for his thoughtlessness in not having made at least that much clear before, Duo forced himself to continue. To put into words things that he had only come to terms with himself in the past week since the night he'd finally let himself grieve for what he had lost. For what Wufei had destroyed in the name of honour and duty.
"Wufei was my first love. Badly though it ended, I can't belittle what we had by pretending that it wasn't good while it lasted. But what you and I have together, Heero, is just as special. It isn't the *same*, no more than two snowflakes are the same. But that doesn't mean it's any less beautiful, any less wonderful." Duo swallowed, gathering his nerve. Before that night that he'd wept in Heero's arms, that night that he'd finally grieved, he *couldn't* have said all of this. Now, it was still difficult and it hurt, but Heero needed to hear it. Needed to know and understand that he wasn't "second best".
"What Wufei and I had was wonderful. It was giddy and crazy and I was wildly in love." Duo winced at the flicker of pain that caused in Heero's eyes. Quickly, he continued, "What you and I have is deep and steady. Our love is the steadfast anchor in my life. Something that I can always rely on. We have our wild-and-crazy moments too - as poor Iria discovered when she dropped by without calling ahead and caught us fulfilling a fantasy on the grand staircase while Q and Tro were away and the household staff had the day off..." Duo smiled as that memory drew an embarrassed flush and a small hint of a snicker from Heero. He stroked his fingers gently down Heero's cheek. "But there's more to our relationship than just that. Wufei and I didn't have the opportunity to develop that deeper relationship even though we were together longer. I *thought* we had something deeper and I think we'd at least started in that direction but there wasn't enough there to stand against his clan elders.
"You and I developed that deeper relationship first. We *had* to because I was such a fucked-up mess. The trust and the patience and the understanding had to come first or we'd have never gotten any further. But the love had to be there before any of that could happen. And it was. It *is*.
"Heero, you are my second *chance* at love, not second best. You don't need to ever feel threatened by Wufei, koi. Even if he were to come back, free of obligations, and ask for another chance, I WOULD *NOT* leave you for him. I'll swear it on my cross and my braid and anything else you want me to." He leaned forward to hover with his lips directly over Heero's, gazes intently locked. "I." He kissed Heero deeply and fiercely, then drew back and said, "Love," before diving in for another passionate kiss. "*You!*" he uttered fervently before bringing their lips together again.
As the tables turned and Heero took control of the kiss, Duo spared a brief thought for Wufei's request to speak to him. 'I think... I think I need to agree. More for Heero's sake than my own. Heero needs to know that I've moved on... That Wufei isn't going to take me away from him...'
***
Wufei's eyes went wide with surprise and trepidation. 'An email message from *Duo*?' Hesitantly, he opened it and read the brief, curt message, wincing at the abruptness of it. He realized again that he had not only forfeited Duo's love but his friendship as well, something that the tone of the message made quite clear. His hand hovered for a moment, ready to reply, but he realized that there was no point in replying until he had discussed this with Jun. 'I can't simply go racing off to L4 without clearing it with her first. I have to make sure that I won't be needed here for the couple of days that I'll be gone.'
Realistically speaking, he needed to make sure that he would not be needed for several days afterwards as well. Because he doubted that this was going to be a very pleasant experience.
***
Heero read Wufei's reply to Duo's message, leaning over the back of Duo's chair and resting his chin on Duo's shoulder as he did so. He was glad that Wufei had been able to arrange to come next weekend; he really wanted this over and done with and presumably Duo felt the same way. 'I know he's doing this for me more than for him... I probably should be protesting that he doesn't need to do it for me but I can't.'
Duo's assurances several nights ago had helped a great deal but Heero still couldn't stop worrying a bit over Duo's feelings towards Wufei. He didn't doubt that Duo meant what he said - but Duo hadn't been face-to-face with Wufei in person since the day that Wufei told him that their relationship was over. Heero couldn't help wondering whether Duo would feel the same way after meeting Wufei and hearing what he had to say. Couldn't help wondering exactly what Wufei *would* say for that matter. 'What if...'
"Stop it," Duo said firmly, one hand raising to press Heero's cheek tightly to his. "Heero, *I'm* supposed to be the one with abandonment issues here, not you. I love you and I'm not going anywhere without you."
Turning his face to nuzzle Duo's palm, Heero said softly, "How..."
"Because now that I know what you've been thinking, I just have to imagine what I'd think if I were in your place," Duo explained gently, twisting in his chair to meet Heero's eyes. "I don't lie, remember? I love you and I will *not* leave you. Ai shiteru, 'Ro. Zutto. Eien ni."
Heero pivoted Duo's chair to face him and sat straddling Duo's lap. He leaned his forehead against Duo's and said fervently, "Ai shiteru yo, Duo. Zutto. Eien ni." He kissed the tip of Duo's nose then apologized, "I'm sorry koi, I don't mean to doubt you. I know you love me. I just..."
Duo shook his head slightly and said, "It's okay. I've been through the same thing, remember? Trusting and believing yet at the same time..." He shrugged slightly, a wry half-grin on his face. "I do understand 'Ro. It's not exactly something you've got a hell of a lot of control over. And me assuming too much and ending up letting you believe all this time that I've been having shaking, screaming, nightmares over Wufei when they were really over *you* can't exactly have helped matters any."
Heero simply closed his eyes and dropped his head against Duo's shoulder, burying his face in the soft, thick braid that trailed over it. He felt guilty over the fact that he was glad Duo's nightmares were about him. He would rather that Duo not have nightmares at all but since he *did* have them, Heero had to admit that he had been incredibly relieved to find out that they were about *him*, not Wufei.
And he felt awful for doubting Duo, for fearing that Duo would leave him for Wufei, but he couldn't help it. He remembered too well how happy Duo and Wufei had been together. And while Duo was, he hoped, at least *almost* that happy with him, it was hard to tell. Duo had changed so much in the aftermath of losing Wufei that it was difficult to compare his previous self with the way he was now. He was much less open, more guarded and wary, particularly in the presence of anyone other than Quatre, Trowa, and Heero. 'But he *does* laugh and smile for me... And he *says* that he's happy...' But Heero was still afraid.
***
Duo took one look at the hold Heero had on his braid and resigned himself to staying put until Heero woke up. He had intended to go for a swim this morning to try and work off some of his own attack of nerves before Wufei's arrival but even if he *could* get his braid out of Heero's grasp he didn't think leaving him to wake up alone would be a good idea. Not when he was holding on this tightly even in his sleep. 'Hopefully after today he'll be able to believe that he has nothing to fear. That I won't leave him for Wufei.'
Though Duo wasn't sure where the hell Heero had come up with the notion that Wufei would even ask him such a thing. *He* certainly couldn't find anything in either the initial request that Quatre had relayed or Wufei's response to his email that implied something like that. 'But I know damn well that subconscious fears and reality don't necessarily have to have anything in common. And after how patient and understanding Heero was - hell, still is - over *my* issues I'm not about to quibble over him having a few fears of his own.'
But he didn't like seeing Heero like this. Seeing him worried and hurting. It made his own heart ache. And so the hope that him facing Wufei would relieve Heero's fears was the force driving him into a meeting that he really did not want to experience. A meeting that was going to be damn painful at best. And downright ugly at worst. Particularly if he let his temper get away from him.
Nearly three years of bottled up anger and bitterness seethed inside him. And although the night that he'd finally let himself grieve for everything that he'd lost, the night that he'd started actually *talking* to Heero about what happened and how he felt about it, had finally started the healing process and had let off a bit of the pressure, there hadn't been enough time since then to truly heal. Not even enough time to release very much of the buildup of negative emotions. Which was not a good way to be going into this.
Because despite how angry and bitter he was, Duo *did* still care about Wufei, even though he wasn't in love with him anymore, and he did not really want to hurt him. And if Wufei had any feelings left for him at all, he knew that he *could* hurt Wufei and hurt him badly. Which would not be right and would not make Duo feel any better in the long run, though it would probably feel damn satisfying while he was actually doing it. Both because he would be making Wufei hurt the way that he had until he built his protective barriers and because the fact that he *could* hurt Wufei would prove that Wufei did actually care for him. Despite the evidence to the contrary.
Duo stopped himself as his thoughts started to slide back into the old, familiar bitterness. 'That isn't fair. I know that he *did* love me. He just - loved his family's honour more. I just wish that his clan had found him sooner. Before he courted me and we fell in love. Heero would have still realized that he loved me and I'd have ended up with him but without all the pain.'
Did he really wish that? Would he really want to give up the good times that he and Wufei had together in order to avoid the pain that followed? Suddenly, Duo wasn't so sure.
And as for Heero and himself - would they have such a strong relationship if they hadn't had to work so hard at it? Would he cherish it as much if he didn't know how quickly and easily it could be lost? Or would the two of them have taken their love for granted the way that he and Wufei had and possibly destroyed it through a thoughtless act or by allowing something to come between them? 'I don't know... I don't *think* we would have - but I can't be sure. I know that what happened changed me and not all of the changes were bad ones. I'm less impulsive than I used to be for one thing. More likely to think before I speak. To consider possible outcomes before I act.' And those changes made him less impatient with Heero's own thoroughness. Made him less likely to become frustrated or upset with Heero's attention to detail. Made him more appreciative of Heero's steady, quiet presence and unwavering support.
'Father always said that things happened for a reason. Of course, he never actually said that it had to be a *good* reason... But there's really no point in wondering "what if". Things happened the way that they did and nothing can change that. I need to let go of the anger and bitterness. To let go of the past and just appreciate what I have now.'
Though appreciating what he had now certainly wasn't a problem, Duo thought as he shifted to curl more comfortably against Heero's side. He was well aware of just how fortunate he was.
***
Wufei accepted his daughter's sleeping form from Jun willingly. He hoped that having all three of them show up instead of just him wouldn't inconvenience Quatre too badly; he felt a bit guilty that he had barely had time to send Quatre an email message before leaving for the shuttleport. But when Jun offered at the last minute to accompany him, he had been unable to bring himself to refuse her support. And even less able to refuse the comfort of having baby Meilan with him.
'I can't really say that the other ex-pilots are my only friends anymore. Jun is my friend too...' And like his friendship with the other former Gundam pilots, his friendship with Jun was built on a foundation of similar trials and shared experiences. And where he had learned to respect the other pilots for their dedication to the welfare of the colonies, he had learned to respect Jun for her dedication to the welfare of the clan.
While the elders had claimed to have the clan's best interests at heart, had used that as an excuse to manipulate and control, Jun genuinely *did* have its well-being at heart. The difference in her definition of the clan's well-being from that of the elders was the key to all the changes that had been instituted so far. The clan elders thought only of the clan as a whole, as an entity in and of itself. A collection of lineages and traditions that had to be preserved regardless of the welfare of the individuals within that entity. Jun, on the other hand, believed that the clan would thrive as long as the individuals within it were happy and content. That her responsibility as clan head was to protect the happiness of the members of the clan - not "the clan". That the personal well-being of individuals outweighed that of the clan as a whole yet would in fact *ensure* the clan's well-being. That lineages and traditions were interesting subjects of study but should not be the motivating force behind decisions.
The elders didn't like Jun very much. Or Wufei for that matter. 'They got what they wanted when they forced us to wed - or rather, they thought they did. But then they found out that neither Jun nor I was as docile and obedient as they believed. That Jun took her responsibility as clan head very seriously indeed and would not allow herself to be treated as a mere figurehead.' In a way, Wufei supposed that Jun considered the entire next generation, their daughter's generation, hers to mother and protect. 'We are both fulfilling our duty to the clan - but not in the manner that the elders expected us to do so.'
Wufei motioned for Jun to lead the way out of the shuttle, shaking his head in response to her offer to take Mei back and put her in her travel seat now that Jun had tidied her clothes and gathered her things. He needed his daughter in his arms right now, reminding him that not *everything* that had happened as a result of his choice was bad. He wished that he had handled things better, that he had broken the news to Duo more gently, that he hadn't broken off all contact with the others for so long - but he could not honestly say that he wished he had never married Jun. Not while he was holding their precious child. And as guilty as that made him feel, it was also the only thing that gave him the strength to face the others again. To face Duo again. To ask for forgiveness and hopefully be relieved of the guilt that tinged his love for his daughter.
He hoped that this trip ended with his friendship with Quatre and Trowa renewed. Hoped that Heero would at least be willing to be civil to him by now. And as for Duo... Well, Wufei hoped that Duo would at least give him the forgiveness he was seeking. Much as he would like to have more than that, to have Duo's friendship back, he wasn't sure that such a thing was possible. Wasn't sure that it would *ever* be possible. And he regretted that almost as much as he regretted the fact that Duo would never be more than a friend to him again.
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