Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ Hecatomb ( Chapter 17 )

Title: Hecatomb

Author: Lethanon

Type: One-Shot

Warnings: 2+R. Angst, 1x2x5, Preventers, Psychological, Sanq kingdom, 3x4.

Notes: Part 4 in the Creed Arc! This one is for JB Green, whose comments are always welcome.

Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of indecision! Why it runs through my mind now I do not know, but it is there and it is the only thought I can totally comprehend. All else is chaos, washing over me, around me, through me. The desire to run is stronger than ever before, but my knees are weak, my feet weary. I know I cannot run forever and now seems the time to end it.

"He's not dead, Duo! Are you even listening to me?

Dead, dead, dead I know it! I've always known it, always told them, sworn to them it was true. This blood is cursed, poisonous like nothing else. I will kill all those I love, destroy all those I hold dear. Like you, Relena, I'll destroy you one day. That will be the way I repay my miracle-maker. With blood and death and madness. It's the only currency I own.

"Duo, he's just been shot, it's alright! He's going to be alright. This is Heero; he's strong!"

Everyone dies, Relena. They die and they go into the ground or the flame and they don't come back. They die, die, die and we let them go because we're too weak to stop them. We wouldn't know how if there were directions because we're all blind, deaf, dumb. I'll kill you all because you refuse to see truth, because you seek a breed of justice incapable of being fostered in humankind. I'll kill you all and you'll let me in the name of love, lust, desire, friendship, whatever you want to call it. You let me!

"DUO! Stop it! It's alright; Heero is alright? Snap out of it! DUO!"

Death is in this house! Have to get out; get away before you die too. I don't want to hurt you, Relena…you gave me miracles, but everyone dies, don't you see and I bring death to them. I'll bring it to you! You're all going to die! TO DIE!

Slap.

That hurt. But not enough. What's a little pain compared to the ultimate end, the really big bang, the last enchilada? Do it again. And again; do it until I don't even flinch because I don't feel it anymore; because there is nothing left to feel. Do it until I'm dead and you can burn me, send me off like I should have been years ago. It's for the best. Kill me now.

Slap.

Just kill me damn it! Do it now before it's too late! Rip me in two, throw me to the dogs, I don't care but put an end to it. Let me go. Let me go with Heero; he'll take care of me, I know it. Heero always takes care of me. Just end it all now.

Hands. They're everywhere. On my arms, my legs, about my waist…on my face. Voices from all directions. Is this what it is to die? Is this the taste of my poison at last?

Crack. Okay…that was my cheekbone.

Relena. Your eyes…tears there, everywhere, all over you. You wreak of fear. But its not for you…it's for me. Relena…how could I have forgotten even for a moment? How cold I forget to trust, that you could be trusted?

"Lena?"

"Duo…it's okay. Everything's going to be okay!"

Don't put your arms around me! No! It'll be the death of you! Everything I touch turns to dust. I don't want that for you…not for you. But I can't keep my hands away and I'm returning your embrace as if it's the last link I have to sanity, and perhaps it is, I would not know. I've been here before, so many times, it's familiar territory, but every trip bck is different. Can you pull me back?

"Lena…I'm scared."

"I know." Why are we whispering? "But everything will be alright Duo. Everything will be fine."

Fine. The sunlight is fine, when it pours through the glass windows of your crystal palace in the mornings. Bright, golden strands of good flooding over dark things hiding within. Fine things. I'm not a part of fine things. I destroy them.

I pull away slowly. I don't want to lean on you; don't want to rub off on you. But I'm still scared; petrified. I'm shaking it's so far under my skin. Yet…you didn't drug me. No prick of a needle, no fizz of drugs under my tongue. You knew I would come back on my own. Just smacks of pain and the right words. When did you get to know me so well?

"Come on, we've a plane waiting."

Already? You must have arranged it while the maid was fetching me. Thinking of which, where did she go? We're alone. You made sure no one else saw me slap. Despite my slip you're still convinced I'm sane, that my reaction was normal, or as normal as I get. You still trust me to guard your life with these shaking hands. You…believe. In me.

I stumble to my feet and I become what you want me to be; what you need me to be. I become Duo Maxwell, trusted bodyguard of Relena Peacecraft, ward of the Sanq Kingdom, ex-Gundam pilot. Completely in control. I see the surprise in your face slide into grim acceptance and then we're off, marching to your shuttle as if heading for battle and in a way I think we are. I'm going back…back to the prison from my cage…Only time would tell what they had ready to catch me with. Some part of me, however, already knew. I just wasn't willing to accept it.

*

"I'm sorry about your cheek."

I shrug. I had forgotten about it already. Never really noticed it, truth be told.

"Do you think it's true?"

You look so shocked that I would ask such a thing. That I would even consider it might not be. But we've had time as we sit here on this plane to contemplate many things and all I can think of is the way they whispered over my head when you came to get me; the way they seemed to willing to do anything to get me back. This constituted anything, in my professional opinion.

"Don't even think that, Duo. The hospital rang me, no one else. I'm listed as Heero's closest living relative, have been since the war. He had you and Wufei added to that list but I was not removed."

Well, the things you learn, and at the oddest times!

"How did it happen?"

"Just a mission. That's all I know."

Yes, but which mission. Some might put such low-blow attempts beyond Heero, but I know all too well the lengths he will go to for the mission. I did not put getting shot on purpose beyond his grasp. Neither did I put getting killed out of his reach. And all because of me.

What am I that I so easily put those I love in danger and do nothing to avert their pain? What am I that when faced with their pain I can only stare and wonder why it is not my own? What I am I that I can look at them, push my fear deep down and smile, as if it doesn't matter at all. What am I that I believe this?

I cannot be human, surely. I am not…humane. I have no intention to become such. I am a race to my own, running my own race, living by rules incomprehensible to others. But what does that mean, exactly?

I look out the window and all I see is cloud beyond the hard glass. I know the window has been slammed in my face and that I am once again a prisoner, but my heart cannot believe it; will not accept it. It means the fall is just going to hurt more, but when have I cared about such things?

It's the thing about windows; they close. Doors lock. Walls don't fall easily. Ceilings close you in. Floors hold you there. Foundations…crumble. Beliefs tremble.

I watch the clouds float by, my fingers wrapped around Relena's and my foundations rumble loudly throughout my body. It' coming; the ultimate fall, the final plunge, and I'm just going to let it. Because this is who I am.

I am about to be destroyed.

*

The hospital is a pale orange colour, generic government-issue brick of several stories bought out by some private company over the past decade or two, renovated, but unable to shake that sense sterility that permeates such places. It's got the winner name plastered over its front, but it gives me no comfort. This is a hospital. A place of drugs and doctors; a place where they lock up the insane. They would have this be my nightingale cage.

Relena walks steadfastly by my side, through the tinted glass doors at the front entrance, through immaculately clean white halls, down to the grey counter of the front desk where a stocky little lady with round glasses too big for her small, podgy head, looks at us as if we had just spoiled her day. Maybe we did.

Relena just smiles that smile that won the world over and passes over her id, asking for Heero Yuy. The lady clams up like someone slapped her, her eyes actually raking over my cheek, which I am sure is purple by now, and back to Relena. I can see immediately she doesn't believe we are who we say we are, but she has no real choice in the matter. She dials the little numbers on the internal phone and I recognise the pager immediately.

Relena looks at me oddly, but I'm not about to explain why I groaned like a man off to the gallows. She'll figure it out any minute now by herself, without me having to say a word.

Doctor Sally Po emerges looking grim and stern, opens her mouth to snap at the poor desk-woman, who I have a certain sudden sympathy for, and then catches sight of Relena. And me, oh yes she sees me. And I see you, Sally Po. I see you all too well. There is a split second when all her thoughts are almost plain to read off her face and then its gone and she's the professional soldier, glaring at us both for all we're worth, thoughts hidden, face unreadable. She just looks…fierce.

"Miss. Peacecraft."

Ah, now you believe us, don't you desk jockey? That'll teach you to be a bitch. This is a hospital, darling, grow up and treat people with some respect. Not that I do, but I never have been one to follow my own advice.

"Miss. Po."

Ah, Relena, how do you manage to put so much malice into a name without raising your voice above a loud whisper and while still sounding as if this is a pleasant conversation. I want to know your secret. Hell, I probably do; I've learnt a lot about you the last few days. You're not so different to me, hiding behind a thousand different masks, trying to please everyone, be whatever it is they want you to be, while underneath it all you're screaming for that small piece of sanity, that tiny island of calm that makes you feel. Home. Such an elusive place.

"Tell us everything."

Sally just watches us passively, trying to decide, I imagine, which path to take. I know she can refuse me; can say only sane people are allowed such information. But by Sanq law I am sane, irrevocably so, and it would just be another battle she would lose to Relena, my personal saviour. She's a smart cookie, Sally Po; she concedes the field.

"This way please."

We're led through the labyrinthine mass and I cannot help but feel lured further into the lion's den. There are eyes everywhere in such places, but they cannot touch me while Relena is here. How does one attain such power, such confidence while remaining human? I do not know. But there is no doubt in my mind that Relena is human; is humane. Unlike those she chooses to save.

We round a corner and it begins. There is Trowa Barton, in full dress Preventers uniform, looking down the hall at us as if he has seen a ghost, though it doesn't show on his face. I study him as I get closer, notice he's gotten even taller, slimmer but broader across the shoulders. His hands hang limp at his sides, but there is power there; unlimited energy ready to strike. His fingers, like spiders, can kill as effectively as any knife, any gun. He's a machine, Trowa Barton; trained to be one, raised to not exist. He frightens me, sometimes.

"Duo?" Somehow, it's a question, but I don't know what you're asking Trowa. I think, maybe, I've never known. You used my name once to welcome me home, and I thought you meant it, but was it really a question I never heard? Maybe didn't want to listen to? Where is the truth in a life built on false pretences? I have no idea.

"Trowa." No question, merely a statement. A greeting, of sorts. A recognition. More than I received; I have the high ground. That's something I learnt from Relena.

Quatre steps through a side door having heard my name and immediately his eyes lock with mine and I can almost feel it, that probing desperation that is Quatre trying to find my heart. I would have thought you would have learnt by now Quatre; my heart is dead to you. I learnt to hide it, bury it, and one day I'll burn it, along with the rest of me.

There is this cautious air to the whole affair and I know immediately they had no idea I was coming. I am an unexpected addition to their party. I can see their eyes swivelling to get a glimpse of Sally Po, who is still unreadable, to Relena, who is carefully concise, to me, who is dead to them, or as dead as it's possible to get while still breathing and standing before someone. No one moves, each locked in their own systematic thoughts. It's not a war, but we're all fighting. Raging against the desire to kill and only I will fail. Inevitably I will destroy them all.

"Duo?"

Everyone turns to look at you. It's always been like that, but why re you looking at me like that now? Wufei? You look…but you can't be. You seem….it's not true. But you're…how? You look thin. Worn. Weary. You look like my reflection.

"Fei?"

And you're in my arms, or I'm in yours, it's hard to tell which, but for the first time in my life I feel like your equal here, like this. I am not yours, you are not mine, we simply are. Together. At the same time.

And then the others are little more than a memory and we're in the little white room with its beeping monitors and Heero is there, still, on the bed, asleep. Not conscious. The sunlight pours through the open window, a gentle breeze caressing my skin and it carries the scent of Heero to me, along with antiseptic cream and that sickening hospital stench. I want to vomit.

There was no master plan to get me back. Not here, like this. There was only fate and destiny, working hand in hand to steal away those I love. And I do love them, I can accept that. It's probably the only thing I can accept, because I know, even as it's killing them, it's going to kill me.

And I'm going to let it.

Wufei won't let me go; won't let his fingers come to rest anywhere other than my skin. It's like he doesn't think I'm real. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I died and this is hell. It's certainly burning hot enough. I slump into the chair at Heero's beside and just stare, completely at a loss for what to say, what to do. It doesn't matter; the door is shut. No one will come in until Wufei opens it again. I don't have to do anything. I jus have to stay.

Stay.

Forever.

Can I do that?

Heero stirs in his sleep but does not wake. Wufei watches every slight movement like a raven and only settles when Heero is perfectly still once more. There are shadows under both their eyes, as if they haven't slept for weeks. I instinctively run a hand down Wufei's cheek and he leans into the caress, like a man deprived. Maybe he is.

"Duo…are you alright?"

"I am fine, Wufei. Relena…she's the greatest friend I've ever had." She makes miracles. Every day, for ordinary people like me. She counts me as a friend, a street-rat. A nobody. Do you know what that means to me? What it means to her? I don't. But I can imagine.

You're not saying anything. It's not like you, and yet…it is. I can see you turning inward, enjoying the serenity of the moment. But there is no serenity here for me, only blind, cold panic and I know I can't run away from it, so I just sit here and let it wash over me.

"Duo, you're not going to go away again, are you?"

Am I? If I go away again, I'll be Relena's guard. I'll have a life; I'll be respected. People there like me and they treat me well enough. And Relena helps me see things differently. If I stay, it'll be the same as always. Everything will go back to the way it was and all I will have is a memory of what it was like, for a few days, to have a life, rather than a living. Can I do that? Can I accept that?

Endlessly. Effortlessly. But I don't want to.

"I'm not going anywhere, Fei."

This is where I die.

*

"Duo? What are you doing?"

"Just watching the clouds, Relena." Just watching. Wishing. But there are no miracles today.

Relena walks to the bed, her footsteps louder than usual. I think she walks that way on purpose, not wanting to startle me, knowing I'm armed. It's not that I don't know she's there, she just knows I'm trained well and that my reflexes are not always under my control. She doesn't think I'm crazy. She knows I'm dangerous, that's all.

"You are always welcome in Sanq, you know."

Not a question, merely a fact. She knows and so do I. So we sit in silence and we watch clouds.

*

"It was just a mission…" You say as you walk into the little white room and check all the tubes. You start telling me about it but I'm not listening. All my attention is on the, their breathing as they lie there together, companionable and at peace. I'm listening to the breath as it goes in and out of them both and wondering what I'll do the day it actually stops.

"I don't need to know."

You stop your tampering and look at me, but it's still that closed off face that gives away nothing. I know you lied in that manila folder and you know I lied. The difference is you think I'm going to do something about it. You think Relena and I are hatching some plan to run you when in reality we're just trying to get by, one day at a time, without people like you trying to interfere. We just want a life. That's all. Is it really so much to ask for?

Sadly, something in my very blood knows it is. This poisonous blood that will, no doubt, kill you too.

"I think you do need to know, Duo Maxwell. I think you need to know every little detail so that head of yours can figure out exactly what went wrong while you were off gallivanting through Relena's perfect palace!"

Well, we agree on one thing, at least; it is perfect. But I don't need to know. You can't break me any more than I will break myself. You can't contain me anymore than I can contain myself. You cannot touch me because I'll put myself in the cage you built without knowing. Because some part of me knows it's what they want. And I promised.

She leaves, cold and silent, rage pouring off her in waves. I don't notice, my eyes glued to the bed where Heero is waking, eyes bleary as his hand instinctively falls to Wufei's head, brushing the stray strands of dark silk from the face at peace in rest. A small smile plays on his lips, then his awareness widens and his eyes lock with mine.

For a single moment there is no time, there is no me, or him, or anything. Something is, but I don't know what. It just is. And we let it be. Then, in unison, we breathe out and its gone, but he's smiling, offering a hand, urging me to join them on the bed. And that's it, isn't it. This is the moment. Right now.

When they say your life flashed before your eyes? Only it's a miserable parade that's walks by me and only the final few days seem worth anything at all. Those three days and these to lives which I have given everything for years now to keep whole. And I nearly failed because I wanted a holiday. Never again. I won't let it happen. Not on my clock, Shinigami.

I watch it walk on by and I let it go. Because what is a life without love? Laughter? Longing? There is no life without pain, or suffering. There is no life without death. But there is a life that makes others happy, and even if you sacrifice your own desire, I believe you will still find some small corner of your heart that reaches peace when you see that you have been the happiness in another's life.

I know I will no return to Sanq kingdom with Relena. I will not become her bodyguard. I will not know the delight of waking alone in a bed to sunshine pouring through my window. I will not know the simple joy of being myself. I will not know a life of respect and gratitude, or laughter and languor.

My life will be in the cage, their arms my bars, as the door remains locked, the windows closed. But once in a while, perhaps I will be the nightingale, and I will sing. Perhaps.

I go to him. I take his hand, and as usual he has no idea what he's asking of me. But I don't tell him, give him no sign. He can have me; all of this reflection of myself. And somewhere all that remains of Duo Maxwell will be destroyed, in a letter I once wrote to myself. Sometime.

"I love you."

I know. That's why I am here, Heero. That's the only reason I'm here at all. And it's also the reason one day you won't be. And neither will I.

But what is life without sacrifice?