Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Forsworn ❯ Futile - Part A ( Chapter 9 )

Title: The Forsworn ~ Futile - Part A

Author: Sita Seraph

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Unknown

Rated: R

Warning: Suicide, angst, depression

Note: This part is dedicated to Blue Lightning! She wanted it so bad…and finally, its here! Arigato, Blue, for cheering me on when I had my writer's block!!

"I'm afraid that we just can't support him for very much longer…"

I was enraged. The hospital was going to pull out of their contract with Quatre. They were planning on shipping Duo out. They didn't have enough money. They didn't have enough food. They didn't have enough ROOM. Excuses, mindless, stupid excuses. They were doing this because Duo was practically brainless. Just because he didn't move around and gurgle at the nurses and doctors, they wanted to terminate him from the hospital. They even suggested `putting him to sleep' like some damn dog. I was torn between trying to comfort Quatre and beating the living shit out of the redheaded nurse. I wondered if she even knew who we were. If they did, maybe they'd think twice about even approaching us with these stupid ideas.

"Its…its all right…" Quatre said softly, playing with the end of his shirttail as he looked up sadly at the nurse. "I can just take him home to live with me…He'll have enough `money' and `food' there…"

Erg. Why didn't I think of that? But that still didn't make a difference. Hospitals were there to support the patients. If they couldn't keep Duo, why let him in in the first place? It didn't make any sense. Why did they want to get rid of him?

Sighing heavily, I looked away, down the empty corridor that lead to freedom from this white prison. The place seemed so empty here. The doors closed up like tiny little closets of abandonment. It was quiet as well. Almost as if a mute hand settled over the Sanctuary Hospital, bringing it down to silence. There was the ticking of the clock on the wall. Sometimes the squeak of a wheel chair. And footsteps from the visitors and the quiet pats of the nurses. But never any crying. Not even soft whispers between the patients that I saw as I traveled down the hall. Everyone seemed so dead here. Almost like Duo. They're voices have been cut out; their eyes empty and hallow. A law. Forbidden to speak or do any rash movements…

Maybe it would be good to get Duo out of this second shell.

"Yes, I think that would be best…" the nurse said quietly. Even she was quiet. A law. Who made these rules?

"Hmm?" Quatre mumbled, turning his head back to the door behind us. I looked over, eyebrow rising. Quatre's fingers trailed up to his lips, rubbing them curiously in a thoughtful gesture, as he watched the door cautiously. Then, for a moment, he seemed to dismiss it, and turned to look at me.

"Funny," Quatre said, smiling weakly. "I thought I heard something."

"Like what?" I mumbled, looking at the door now. Innocent but bearing. It reminded me of a shield. But whom was it protecting? Duo from us? …Or us from Duo?

"I don't know," Quatre shrugged delicately, fingers trailing his bottom lip again. Such an exposing gesture of thoughtfulness, Quatre…and a sign of worry. "A thud, I suppose."

Quietly, I drew forward to the door again. Dread was beginning to creep up from the pit of my stomach, deep and gnawing. I tried to push it aside, knowing full well it was just my anxiety…and not my instinct.

I twisted the knob and pushed the wooden door open and aside, looking in before Quatre. I think I stared for a minute. Maybe two. But I think it was the way Quatre was desperately squeezing the blood flow out of my arm that brought me back to reality. That made me realize that Trowa shouldn't be on the floor…looking so deadly pale…

"Trowa, no!" Quatre cried and ran forward.

*****

One Week Later

Emerald pools, wake up for me. Jade orbs, speak to me. Trowa…come back…

It was almost a week since Quatre and I found Trowa's empty shell on the floor in Duo's shadow. A shadow that, at first, hooded the shallow gaze the Heavyarms's pilot tried to mimic from the doll of Shinigami. A glasslike quality that reflected the lighting of the room with indifference. He was in some sort of trance, so deeply in the hole he had fallen in, that the cries he made could not echo off the soft, soiled ground. For they could never reach me as I sat here minute by minute for seven days, waiting for awareness to shine through those intelligent green beads. But they never did. And Quatre kept getting worse.

Tears kept shedding, hands continued shaking, and the guilt was growing enormous. If Trowa didn't wake up soon, Quatre was going to go over the edge with worry. Nothing I could say would make the sensitive pilot better. He just kept blaming himself about not being there or saying he should have known and useless things. Of course Quatre couldn't have known. I would have never guessed that Trowa was willing to enter depths that he tried so hard to avoid. He once said he ignored things like that for he could lose a part of himself if he got too deep…

In this case, he lost everything.

I sighed softly, watching Trowa's empty eyes from the seat next to his bed. My butt felt permanently fused with the seat. I had barely moved from this position since Trowa had fallen into his silent coma. I slept and ate in this damn wooden chair. And my ass seriously was numb but I couldn't will myself away from the bedside for more then a few minutes. I felt…like I needed to be here more then at Duo's side right now. That something important might happen and I had to be there to see it. I had to wait for Trowa's strength to come through and reach to me, so I could take it with a firm grasp and pull him out…or let him pull me in. Whichever he wanted.

Emerald pools, wake up for me. Jade orbs, speak to me.

I could hear Quatre crying downstairs, trying to muffle it with a hand, a pillow, anything. To cry in silence. To wither is agonizing peace. Anything but letting a sob escape too loudly, or a let a tear fall too strident. But I could hear him. I could still imagine him like everyday before, curled up in a fetal position, knees drawn up to his shuddering shoulders, on the couch with pillow clutched to his chest to replace a man he begged to hold. I could still watch those flashing tears catch the sunlight dew and hold it, as they fell silently down the pale man's cheeks. A cry would escape, one of pain and too hard to keep in any longer and he could bring the pillow closer, drowning the sob on its dying note. Cry silently, little one, don't let anyone know. Let the tears fall mutely and let the pain grow.

Emerald pools, wake up for me. Jade orbs, speak to me.

But nothing moved. The heavy hand of tranquility had befallen us and seemed to have stopped all movement; all sound in its path. The noiseless cries of a man in pain. The slow breath of a man in sleep. And I, a bystander of it all. The phones were mute. The ticking of the clock suppressed against the hand of serenity. While I still moved, breathed, and cried, I felt drowned in this moment of time where everything stopped. I was aware of the pain downstairs that vibrated off the wall and I acknowledged the empty presence on the bed. But they, these beings of tenderness and vacant souls, did not stir and sat still, forever locked in a cycle of repeating minutes that was drowned in the sea of silence.

Oh, could you ever understand?

Emerald pools, wake up for me. Jade orbs, speak to me.

I felt locked. Locked inside this house and myself. I reached but I could not reach far enough. Trowa was so far away from outstretched fingers. And Quatre shunned away from my words of comfort. I ached for I could do nothing. The Perfect Soldier could do nothing but be some innocent bystander, watching the soldiers go out and fight and only being able to wish good luck. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I imagined that I would always be able to help anyone. I imagined myself walking into Duo's room and suddenly he would come alive again just by my mere presence. I envisioned all of us together again, laughing over a cup of tea at what Duo had done and that everything was okay. And then…Duo would turn to me…and say about how long he had waited for me to step into that room. And how…he…

But it wasn't true. I thought too highly of myself. I could do nothing! I could only watch as Duo committed a deadly sin and Trowa sacrificed himself to help. And I could not even comfort his lover properly without being gently shoved aside and watch the retreating back. I could only sit here, begging for Trowa to reach out to ME since I was too weak to reach out to HIM. I am not the Perfect Soldier. I did nothing right over the war. I only made mistakes and blunders. The only thing…I ever did right…was nothing. If I sat in my cockpit and watched, then everything would come into play and peace looked more hopeful. And then I would be ordered to enter battle again and I would only mess everything up. I was a failure. A gaffe then and an error now. Yet…I still wanted to help! Maybe…if I helped Duo and Trowa…then maybe my life wouldn't be such a failure. I would have done something correctly…

…And I could die in peace.

Emerald pools, wake up for me!! Jade orbs, speak to me!! Trowa…I need your help!!

I hung my head, low in defeat. Duo…let me in…let me hear you…let me help…Because I…Because I lo-

//…ero…//

…What? I lifted my heavy head, staring at the motionless form covered in a thin blanket. No movement, barely a single breath being taken in by the comatose figure. I leaned forward slowly then stood up, my knees buckling under my weight. I felt heavy, useless after sitting so long at Trowa's side, begging for his aide. Even more futile after I had finally come to terms with the facts that I was a worthless soldier, not worthy of gratitude or respect that people had thrown upon me. But luckily, I held strong, keeping my legs underneath me and my arms from quaking. I leaned over heavily on the bed, looking into Trowa's drained, glazed eyes. The awareness was still lacking, just a hollow shell with a ticking mind. Yet…something was different this time…when I looked in these shallow pools. It seemed…to ripple, gently across the dark middle. A gentle ripple at first, barely noticeable, yet…as I stared harder, I watched the dark irises wave and call out to me, begging me to dive into the dark swim. I felt…like I was tittering right against the edge of a high cliff, the winds billowing up over the sides the only thing keeping me from going over. I held my breath without knowing, my lungs screaming for air, yet I would not allow them the leisure. For one upset of breath, one sigh, could send me spiraling over the edge or falling back on my behind. And I knew, that falling back would shatter my chance to save the one who understood me the most and the one I desperately wished to hold.

//…ero…//

I took in one last breath to my already expanded lungs. And I fell.