Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Ring ❯ Chapter 2

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Cyrrer

Warnings & Disclaimer & Summary: see first chapter.

A/N: So, at least some of you seem to like this story. Thanks for the comments. I'm really addicted to them. And maybe I could get coaxed to upload this fic even faster *g* by getting more of my drug.

So, I hope you will also enjoy the second chapter. And… aeh… prepare your tissues

Frustrated Heero frowned. He seemed to be inapt to put all the gathered data into a running plan. A plan that would bring his mission from complete failure to success. He just didn't succeed with this. Whatever he had tried the mission still was a failure.

And it seemed it had been doomed from the beginning. It was just impossible to gather the way forward out of all the contradictory data he had gained. And to add insult to injury he sometimes earned different reactions for the same input. How was it possible for ANYBODY to make sense out of this?

Heero assumed that he lacked competence for this specific task, even if he didn't like that insight. After all he was the Perfect Soldier, one simple mission couldn't beat him. But all the time he hadn't come any closer to his target and all of his thoughts were running around in circles.

Heero's gaze focused on the monitor of his laptop. He realized that during the last minutes he had only starred at it without seeing anything at all. A message from Dr. J blinked accusingly. His mentor asked impatiently why he hadn't received the reports about the last missions. Heero hadn't had the leisure to write them, he was too preoccupied with something more important.

Nevertheless he should find some time to finish these unloved reports as soon as possible. If he delayed any further he would alarm Dr. J. And maybe his mentor would decide that Heero's inadvertence couldn't be tolerated any more. That it wasn't a good idea to let his Perfect Soldier work together with the other Gundam pilots. That it would be better to part Heero from the others. Because of this thought Heero started immediately with this reports.

Appalled Heero stopped his work because of a loud rattle on the other side of the big room that was their combined kitchen and lounge. Above his monitor he could see Duo, trying to fix himself a sandwich and additionally - rather successfully - destroying the kitchen. The braided youth didn't notice the chaos he was causing and just continued to put an entirely impossible combination of food on the bread, grinning the typical Duo-smirk. Enthralled Heero watched this scene.

Duo was always so full of life and exerts with his manners an incredible great attraction towards Heero. An attraction that made sure that he had to watch Duo again and again. `Like the moth drawn towards the light,' rushed it involuntary through Heero's mind. Yes, this was a fitting analogy. And suddenly it was more important then ever for Heero to bring THE mission to a success. It had to be possible. Other people could accomplish it, so why not he?

`Today is the fifth night,' Heero thought involuntary. But Duo had already promised to be with him again. Heero still couldn't understand all the data he had gathered in the last months, but he was able to predict some of Duo's behaviour now. He knew that it would take a lot of luck on his side for Duo to join him tomorrow again. And only with rather extreme luck also the day after.

And inevitably after that there would be the dull, dark weeks in which Duo would ignore him. Only after a while - which always felt like an eternity to Heero - Duo would again come to him, to start the loop anew. Why it was like this, Heero didn't knew, only that it was so.

Perhaps these weeks wouldn't be so bad if Duo wouldn't ignore him completely, evade him altogether. Earlier on, before they started to have sex, Duo had always been near him. Had chattered like a lunatic and had been annoying like hell. Oh, how he missed it.

Nowadays Duo never did this, not even on the days they slept with each other. Now Duo was only happy when he was together with the other pilots. Now all that was left for Heero to do was to watch Duo from afar. He almost wished that everything were like it had been before. But this wasn't his decision.

Heero closed his eyes annoyed and felt the sudden pain. Emotions! They were so unpredictable and painful.

Suddenly Quatre appeared in the kitchen. He didn't seem to notice Heero - who hid himself behind the monitor - at all. He went to Duo and they were chatting at once. This gave Heero a twitch and he assumed it was because of envy and jealousy.

He would have loved to be able to speak with the others - with Duo - so freely and happily. But what should he say? He only new the missions, nothing else. And his friends? - buddies? - the other pilots? didn't want to hear about missions in their spare free time.

But he didn't know any other topic of conversation. And his tongue always felt like a dead thing in his mouth when he tried to speak. Maybe this was the reason why he had been so happy with Duo's endless chatter. He didn't have to contribute to the conversation but wasn't left outside. Not like now.

All of a sudden Quarto's gaze met Heero's, and after that he forced Duo to stand up. Together they moved out of the kitchen. Heero frowned and had drudgingly to repress a snarl. Hastily his hand searched for the little bag where he kept his anchor in to abide himself on it. His anchor, the symbol of his greatest happiness and at the same time of his greatest failure.

He was jealous of Quatre he knew it. Oh no, not this kind of jealousy, but he begrudged that he was so close befriended with Duo and that he had Duo's confidence.

Only after several moments Heero was able to stop this fruitless thoughts. That won't lead to anything. He only wanted to work some more, to fix the reports, and then he would just wait for the evening.

- -

Heero sat in his room and waited impatiently for Duo to arrive. The time crawled oh so slowly. Heero had dressed himself with the clothes Duo liked the best. He wasn't really sure if he should, because the tank top exposed a lot of his skin and Duo disliked his scars. At least he had said so only yesterday. Heero really had been anxious not to get any new scars. The ointment was working and with some luck Duo wouldn't notice.

Unintentional the question about what would happen this night crawled into his mind. At the end of the loop Duo always got rough. Heero didn't know why, only that it was so. But he would bear it, like all the other things.

Finally Duo came to his room. But he didn't enter, just stand outside the door for some minutes. The whole time Duo stared at him and Heero got uncomfortable under this gaze. `What's this all about?' he asked himself. “Come in or stay outside, but close the door, there is a draft,” Heero said more disquietly than he intended to.

The braided youth got startled. “Charming as usual, Yuy,” Duo said while walking towards him. He stopped mere centimetres away from him. Then the Deathscythe pilot bent his head. Heero knew at once that Duo tried to kiss him on the mouth again.

Hastily he dodged his head. `Why is he always trying to hurt me?' asked Heero himself. `Why does he try it again and gain?' You only kiss the one you love. This was one of the few facts that Heero knew about love. So Duo had to know them too!

That Duo tried it every time again hurt him. He wasn't sure why Duo did it, what he was trying to gain. Did Duo want to anger him; did he want to hurt him? Heero had no clue at all. All he could do was prevent these kisses. After all it would hurt more to accept this fake kisses and to be reminded of his greatest failure than to just dodge them.

Duo started to caress him, left goose bumps wherever he was touching him. Heero also started to touch the other boy. Inevitably he was drawn to the long braid. He loved this chestnut brown mane it felt so soft. The hair was so beautiful when Duo wear it loose. But of curse he had banned it into the braid. And Heero didn't dare to open the tie.

Only once he had been allowed to help Duo brush out the hair and braid it. This had been some blissful moments, as he combed through the delicious amount of hair again and again. He would have loved to do it for hours. But this had been before his failure.

“I would never have stayed outside, Heero. I have way too much intentions for tonight,” said the Deathscythe pilot. Heero could predict the meaning behind this. He just grumbled as an answer. Then Duo began to move with his lips along Heeros breastbone and all of a sudden all thinking became negligible.

He was so absorbed with the caresses, that he didn't even noticed that the other boy removed all of his clothes. Suddenly he felt a little push and fell ungentle on the bed. All he could do was starring at Duo and waiting for him to join him.

“By the way. If you didn't get it until now, I'm on top tonight, said the braided youth while he was undressing himself. But Heero had expected this already. Every time when Duo was so rough from the beginning it always boiled down to this.

After Duo joined him on the bed, it was only mere seconds before he was moved to lie on his belly and Duo began the preparations. Without wasting any more caresses Duo was in him and began a hard rhythm. Heero's hands clung into the pillow beneath him. He liked it when Duo took him, and he didn't mind hard and fast. But just sometimes he would have loved for Duo to be gentler.

Duos thrusts got harder and harder with increasing speed, displaced every coherent thought in Heero's mind. Only to feel Duo was vitally. With a grip like a vice Duo held him on the hips, while he was thrusting again and again, hitting his sweet spot every time. After a much too short time Duo collapsed. Near irritating Heero just lay there, feeling the foreign weight. Then he noticed Duo's hands roaming over his back. And when a wet kiss was placed between his shoulder blades he finally was shoved over the edge.

Lying in the position as they were, Heero could build up the illusion that he was in Duo's arms. He closed his eyes and abandoned himself to this sweet imagination, whilst the caressing of the hands on his back didn't stop. If he had had something to say in this matter, they would lay like this for an eternity.

But as always Duo ended their being together and rose. Heero refused to open his eyes and watch him dress. So he could pretend that Duo had only stand up to fetch something and not to leave him alone. Then the voice of the Deathscythe pilot was dragging him out of his daydreams.

“You know what, Yuy?”

Heero wasn't ready to stop the illusion and so he was only able to grunt his usual “Hn” for an answer.

“We should stop this. It doesn't lead to anything at all. Sure, we have fun, but it's over now!” announced the other and brought the roof down on Heero's head. His whole world was shuttering.

Utter disbelieve went through Heero. This couldn't be true! Duo couldn't be serious! He had always done everything that Duo wanted, had fulfilled Duo's every wish. Had tried so hard. Why should it end? Duo couldn't do this to him!

“You couldn't be serious!” was the only thing Heero was able to return. Maybe he had misunderstood; maybe Duo didn't mean it like this. Heero clung to this small hope. But even this was cruelly destroyed when the braided youth answered back.

“Sure I am. This was our last night. It was nice, but it's over now. Bye.”

Like brittle crystal something broke in Heero at that moment. Paralysed he sat and just starred at the other. This couldn't really be happening. Duo had ended everything, just so! This couldn't be. Not after everything he had done during the last months. Not after everything he had bore. Not after all his attempts to get closer to Duo, to earn his love. Sure all his attempts had been vain, but he always had done everything like Duo wanted it to be! There was no reason at all to end it now. This hurt! This wasn't fair!

He saw that Duo had almost reached the door. In near panic he shouted, “Maxwell, stop moving! Don't you dare to just run away! DUO!!!” At least he wanted to know why this was happening. Maybe they could talk about it, maybe he could improve. If he only knew what his fault was, he would never make it again.

But Duo tenacious moved on. Didn't even look back as he closed the door behind him. Heero froze and just fixated his gaze disbelieving on the door the braided youth had just passed. Duo was gone and he would never come back again. He had lost. `FAILURE!' he shouted in his mind. Only this one word existed in his thoughts. Shivering his hand searched for the bag with his anchor. But even as his hands clung around it, he didn't find his footing. This was his final failure and he didn't even know why.

Slowly the shock loosened a bit, made way for the realisation what it would mean to be separated from Duo. Tormented Heero bit into his fist. But this pain was nothing in comparison to what he felt inside. He seamed to be made only out of pain, and the feeling of utter failure.

Heero pulled himself from the bed. Shivering he faltered towards the bathroom. Without thinking he grabbed his knife. He was completely running under autopilot. He moved himself under the shower, which he adjusts, to he maximum temperature. He only felt the necessity to let out all the pain. To punish himself for his failure. `Duo is gone!' his mind screamed. Whimpering he slid down the wall until he cowered on the bottom of the shower.

He didn't recognize the hot water. He hit the wall with the back of his head again and again. `This is your ultimate failure,' he blamed himself, tears building in the corner of his eyes. Now the only thing that was left was to let out the pain. As he put the knife on his arm the unintentionally thought that Duo didn't like his scars crept into his mind. But this was of no concern any more. Duo was gone and would never come back.

- -

The next day Heero appeared uncommonly late for the breakfast. It had cost him a tremendous effort to get out of the bed at all. His skin was burning like hell, despite the ointment. He had changed his normal clothing in favour of peaces that covered his whole body. Duo wouldn't pay attention any more, but Heero didn't want the others to see his scars. His failure was only his own concern.

His throat was dry as hell, and because of this he only grumbled a short “Hn,” as greeting towards Trowa and Wufei. He didn't wait for their response and just searched for a bottle of mineral water and a glass. Then he sat on the other end of the table. He almost hadn't gone to the breakfast at all because he wasn't hungry and didn't want to see anybody. But he was really thirsty. And so he sat there, keeping silent and drinking one glass after the other, his gaze fixated on one point of the table.

A sudden noise at the door let him look in that direction. Duo! But all his stupid hopes that yesterday had only been a bad kind of joke - one that he just hadn't understood - or that Duo hadn't meant it really that way fell into peaces as the braided youth turned heels and went away without a word.

Heero chocked, this was a thousands times worse than just getting ignored. `Why?' his mind shouted. His hand cramped around the glass, he had to put all his strength together to loose it again. He had nearly broken it.

He starred dumbstruck at the open door and so he could see that Quatre, who had stood beside Duo, threw a glance towards him and frowned. Heero didn't understand he hadn't done anything.

“What's the matter?” Trowa demanded to know. But as Heero didn't know the answer he stayed silent. Leaving everything behind him, he fled from the room, being aware of the hateful gaze from Quatre.

- -

With passing time it didn't get any better, only worse. For sure, Duo didn't leave the room every time anymore if Heero was in it, but he never spoke a word with him. Heero missed him so much, but it seamed that Duo wasn't able to tolerate to be near him. Only once he had spoken with him. “What are you starring at?” he had asked angrily. Since then Heero allowed himself only short gazes when they were together in the lounge.

The times he had to let the pain out were increasing. He couldn't bear it without. He had to wear the long clothes all the time, because his arms were cramped with wounds, the ointment couldn't heal everything anymore. But also with this increasing cutting he wasn't able to let all the pain out. He couldn't get rid of it.

His usual tasks became an endless ordeal. He needed hours for something that had only taken some minutes in former times. Dr. J was complaining more often than ever. But even when Heero burrowed himself more and more in his work, he just couldn't focus his thoughts. He was a failure in all points.

What really did astonish him was admittedly the attitude of the other pilots towards him. Especially Quatre and Trowa seemed to avoid him as much as Duo. He didn't know why. Sure, first they were Duo's friends and only then his buddies, but why avoiding him? He hadn't done anything wrong, had he?

Somewhere he had read that after a break-up most likely the friends of the couple would take one side or the other and so in addition to the couple also friendships got destroyed. But this didn't fit for their situation. Duo and him had never been a couple, even if it hurt to admit this truth. And even if they had been, why taking Duo's side? It was his decision after all. On the other hand he knew that the others never had been his friends. Maybe it wasn't so amazing that they avoided him. They had only accepted him because of Duo in the first place.

For days now Heero couldn't think straight. Nothing made sense and he repeated the same questions over and over again without finding the answers.

He holed up in his room, spent most of his time there. Nobody saw him there and he saw nobody. He left his room only for the mealtimes. Not because he was hungry, but these were the short moments each day where he was able to catch a glimpse of Duo without getting yelled at for it.

The table was very big, and so it wasn't necessary that he sat close to one of the others. He was able to bring some distance between him and them. Expressed in this way the distance he felt to the others. Half-hearted he shoved some food from one side of his plate to the other. He didn't even know what lay before him, only that he didn't feel any appetite. Just like every other day. He hadn't any energy left at all to be hungry. He was lost in a haze of darkness and couldn't find a way out.

“What's the matter, Heero? Are you ill?”

Startled Heero let his fork fall down. He looked astonished towards Wufei. His question had found him completely unprepared. Why the hell did Wufei talk to him? And to make it worse, he could see that the other three interrupted their chat and looked up at him. He didn't need that kind of attention. “It's nothing, I just don't feel very hungry,” he answered quickly.

“But it has been like this for days now. Heero, if you don't eat a sufficient amount of food, you will get ill. And we have to inform Dr. J about this.”

Heeros thoughts run like hell. If J thought that he was getting ill then he would examine him and notice the secret. This couldn't happen. If his mentor knew he would take him away from here. And then he wouldn't be able to see Duo. So he had to eat to disperse Wufeis qualms. `Why does he care, anyhow?' asked Heero himself as he took the unwanted food into his mouth. `Why is anybody paying attention to me? They ignore me otherwise the whole time.' To be ignored would fit him better right in this moment.

Under great effort he was able to force himself to eat half of the food on his plate. After this he suddenly stood up and left the room without another word. He knew that it was his time to help with the dishes but he was feeling sick. The food didn't feel well in his stomach. Hastily he run to his room and reached the toilet just in time, so that he could throw up everything he had drudgingly been eaten.

He chocked until only bile was left. It tasted horribly. `Yuck!' he really hated it to throw up. Exhausted Heero just sat beside the toilet, the back of his head resting on the wall. Surprisingly, he had felt for a short moment the same what he felt when he cut himself. It was a nice sensation, because it was different from the pain.

At least, he now knew a way in which it was possible for him to eat in order that the others don't contact Dr. J.

- -

The time passed, but nothing changed to the better. Heero was still avoided by the others. Only Wufei spoke with him outside of the missions. He asked again and again if Heero would join him in martial arts practise. But Heero didn't even react on it, why should he? He hadn't any energy left and only wanted to spend his time in his own room. There he could hold fast to his anchor and when it got too bad he was able to let the pain out.

Meanwhile Heero had to take pills for preventing him to collapse during the missions. He knew that sooner or later this would lead him to making a mistake or that the others would notice. He hoped for later.

Duo was very close to Trowa and Quatre; they were together all the time. Sometimes Heero could hear them laughing. He loved Duo's laughter but hearing it now hurt nevertheless.

Suddenly they got a new mission from Dr. J. They were to destroy a small OZ base tomorrow morning. Heero appointed to do the mission planning. Analysing the data he got, he could clearly see that three Gundams would be sufficient, only minimum of resistance was to be anticipated.

In no time, Heero decided that Wufei and Trowa should be his partners on this particular mission. He couldn't choose Duo, even if they normally worked perfectly together. Duo would distract him too much. And he wasn't prepared to count on Quatre with his scornful gazes. So the only two left were Trowa and Wufei. The combination was very uncommon, but Heero invented good arguments to do so and was able to convince Dr. J about his selection.

After he had discussed everything with Dr. J he called the other pilots for the mission briefing. Silently they listened to him explaining the plan. After he finished he looked into the round. He was sure that Duo would ask why he hadn't chosen him. But the braided youth held his tongue. Instead it was Quatre protesting.

“Why so sudden? This doesn't fit with our plans. Trowa, Duo and I wanted to go clubbing, this is our free night after all. We were looking forward to it. Is it possible to change the plans?”

Heero threw his darkest death glare towards the blond. A mission was a thousandth times more important than `go clubbing'. “J. has sent this data just an hour ago. The base must be destroyed until tomorrow afternoon. And I need three Gundams for this job. These are the mission parameters, there is nothing that could be changed,” Heero said in his dull mission voice that stopped any further discussion.

After this he could hear Duo speaking. “Q-man, this isn't a problem. We would have fun together. And we will take Trowa with us next week.”

Only now Heero realised what Quatre really had said. They wanted to go out together tonight. Of course without him. But this wasn't the point, he had never really liked to go clubbing before.

But Duo wanted to do this. Yes, he could visualise it, Duo in a big crowd. Duo, who was laughing and dancing to this noise. Duo, who would infect everyone close to him with his cheerfulness. A wonderful picture. And he would have loved to observe this beautiful sight. But Duo would never again share his happiness with him; he had failed to make Duo happy. Duo didn't need him to be happy. `You stupid moron, what have you expected? Did you really believe that Duo would be in agony for months? It's not as if he has lost his love. For sure Duo wants to have fun again.'

Heero switched back to mission-mode and explained without any emotion the last details and forbade himself to think about Duo.

- -

Later this evening he could see out of his window as Quatre and Duo left the safe house. It was late already and they had announced that they probably would be away for some time. The other two had - just like Heero - retired early. Their plan was to leave for the mission at six in the morning. It wasn't a really though mission, but nevertheless they should be well rested.

Resting, this was a very good idea. But Heero wasn't able to fall asleep. He just sat in the dark on his bed for hours now, waiting for Duo to return. He had left his door open, just to be able to hear them arriving.

He knew that this was insane, that he should sleep, that nothing would change if he could hear Duo or not. But he had long ago given up to search for any logic in everything regarding Duo. He only knew that he had to wait for Duo, even if he was torturing himself with it. It hurt so much to know that he was in agony for weeks now but Duo was able to go along, to get amused, and to be happy.

Heero wasn't able to let go and in addition the happiness of the other tortured him. As he sat there in the darkness he had taken his anchor in his hands. This time he had pulled it out of the little bag. He couldn't see anything, but his fingers felt the fine lines of writing. It was funny that this small peace was able to give him so much strength and on the same time hurt him so much. After all it was the symbol of his greatest failure.

His internal clock showed him that it was way beyond midnight. Suddenly he could hear two people going upstairs. Duo! Finally he had come back! They both seemed to be a bit tipsy. They giggled a lot and tried to be extremely quiet, which led to the direct opposite. Heero absorbed every little noise; his hearing was perfect after all. And he was driven by a perverted curiosity.

“Good night Quatre, it was a nice evening, thanks for coming along.”

“Oh, I think you were able to have fun without me too,” giggled Quatre as an answer.

“Oh, sorry, have I neglected you?”

“Hey, don't worry, I was happy to be on my own. Did you have a lot of fun, kissing this… what's his name?”

“John. And yes I had fun. He is a good kisser. This was what I needed.”

“When are you going to meet again?”

“The day after tomorrow. He has invited me to the cinema. Isn't it nice? Thanks for dragging me out of here. Ahhhhh, I am really tiered, I think I just go to bed.”

“Yeah, me too. Until later.”

Heero listened to two doors getting opened and closed again. He sat there shell-shocked. Meanwhile the realisation what he had heard moved slowly into his mind. Duo had found another. Someone he kissed. Someone he loved. He was replaced that easily. Only one month after the end, Duo had found someone who was more important than he ever had been.

Tears ran down Heeros face. Now he had definitely lost. It had been bad enough to get avoided, but this? He couldn't bear this pain any more. He couldn't stand by and watch Duo being with someone else. It had hurt before, but this was an increase to indemnity.

He didn't want to see this. He had reached his limit of pain endure. Slowly Heero fell on his side, holding his anchor so hard in his hand that there for sure would be a round mould visible the next days. `I couldn't bear it,' he screamed inside. But he had to accept it. He couldn't change it; it was Duo's decision.

But at least he wasn't forced to watch it. Tomorrow, after the mission he would contact Dr. J and explain him that he wasn't able to live with the other pilots anymore. J had never liked this partnership after all. So he would move away and spare himself the sight of Duo and his friend. This was the solution. OK, he wouldn't be able to see Duo anymore, but he had no energy left to pass this ordeal.

Crying Heero lay in the dark. Cursing himself and his emotions. Deeper and deeper he draws into his despair. Why oh why had everything gone so wrong? Why did he have to hurt so much? What did he do wrong? What couldn't he give Duo?

- -

Heero didn't sleep at all. First the long waiting and then his thoughts running in circles. He took two of his pills to push himself for the mission. This drug abuse had to end after he was separated from the other pilots. J wouldn't tolerate it, but then he wouldn't need it any more. He would once again be the Perfect Soldier, the cold killing machine, only fixated on his missions. He would forget about Duo and his pain.

The mission went well. There wasn't any resistance; the Leos were never a real threat. Nevertheless Heero fought like a berserk. He didn't fight controlled and according to plan, but just destroyed his opponents with pure bellicosity. For each Leo he envisioned that this John was the pilot. He shouted his pain and despair with each shoot he took. He fought in a big flush.

One of the Leos fled and Heero went after him, removed Wing out of the formation. In no time he had destroyed this combatant too. After this he turned wing and saw that Wufei and Trowa fought against the last Leo. Not long, and they would beat him. And after this, they only had to destroy the small base and the mission would be a success. Heero approached towards the others as his gaze involuntarily found the self-destruction button. Rapid, all of a sudden a new idea filled his mind. He could end everything here and now. He could escape all the pain. This would be so much better than going back to J and knowing that he had lost the fight for Duo. All would end!

Heero had been trained all the time that he had to take the consequences if he failed during a mission. He wasn't afraid of death; this was only the result of failure. He always was prepared to sacrifice his life for the sake of a mission. It only seemed right to react with self-destruction to his greatest failure.

Hypnotised Heero starred at the button. His mouth was dry from all the shouting; he licked over his cracked lips. The pain would stop and all of a sudden nothing was more important than this.

For a second he wasn't sure if he had the right to destroy a fully functional Gundam, but he fended of these objections very fast. It was just so perfect. The others wouldn't have any problems with the rest of the mission, and he would simply cease to exist. They wouldn't have to endure him any longer and nobody would miss him.

Heero longed for peace, didn't want to fight any more, didn't want to feel anymore. He had no energy left and this was the solution. So simple and beautiful. No more emotions. No more pain. No more failure. Only peace. He hit the button.