Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Ring ❯ Chapter 4

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Cyrrer

Warnings & Disclaimer & Summary: see first chapter.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. :-)

I hope you will like this chapter.

- - - -

Heero closed his eyes and hoped for the end of everything. The time seemed to expand to eternity. But as several breaths later still nothing had happened he stared wide-eyed at the monitors of his Gundam. Everything seemed to work perfectly and no sign showed that the self-destruction had been activated. This couldn't be.

Desperately Heero pushed the button again. Still nothing happened. Confused he hit it again and again. Impossible. Why didn't Wing acknowledge the command to self-destruct? Was someone playing a bad joke on him? Or was he now such a failure that he even wasn't able to destroy his own Gundam? Heero stared again disbelieving at the monitors. He had been prepared to die so why didn't it happen?

Suddenly one light on the console blinked, indicating that Wufei tried to contact him. With curtly words Wufei ordered him back into the formation. The last Leo had been destroyed, now they only had to demolish the OZ base.

On pure reflex Heero obeyed the command. What should he do anyhow? It seemed that he hadn't detected a malfunction in the self-destruction mechanism of Wing during his last check. This would never have happened under normal circumstances. But he had always feared that his weakness and the drugs would lead him to making a mistake like that.

It was quite ironic in a way, wasn't it, that his failure was now responsible for him not being able to end his failure, to end the pain. Who would have guessed such a thing from the perfect soldier? It could have been ended, he could have been free from the pain, if only he wouldn't' have been such a failure. Heero bit so hard on his lips that it hurt. He wasn't even good enough to end his misery.

Without really wanting Heero steered Wing towards the other two Gundams. It was like flying on autopilot. And this was just perfect because at this moment he couldn't form any coherent thought anyhow. He didn't really notice anything from their attack of the OZ base, just as well as from their flight back towards their hidden hangar.

Wufei had tried to contact him once, demanding an explanation why he had abandoned the formation for such a long time. But Heero hadn't any energy left to answer him and therefore just cut off the com. Again all thoughts in his brain were circling around his failure. He didn't understand why really everything in his life had to founder.

Without noticing several tears started to form in the corner of his eyes. Erratically he moped them away as he was hauling with the other Gundams towards home, towards Duo. For a brief moment he had hoped to never feel this pain again, and because of this its weight was doubled now.

These thrice-damned feelings controlled him again and he longed only for a little bit of peace. Again his hand clasped around his anchor, held onto it with maximum strength. He hoped to get a little hold and some strength. But for how much longer would his anchor be able to give him strength, anyhow?

After they landed, Heero didn't move inside of Wing for a while. He should just stand up and check Wing, check the damages. But he hadn't any kind of energy left. He only wanted - no had - to get away from here. He stared again on the self-destruction button. A treachery green light mocked him, showing him that the mechanism was fully functional. With full force Heero hit the button, not caring at this moment what damage the explosion would cause in the hangar. And again nothing happened.

Sobbing Heero climbed out of Wing. He couldn't understand why of all things his beloved Gundam refused to follow his orders. Had the whole world conspired against him?

In the corner of his eyes he could see Wufei approaching him. For sure he wanted to know what happened during the attack. But Heero hadn't any energy for this. The events of the day had drained his strength. He just knew that he wasn't far away from a collapse. And the others shouldn't witness that. Just like the coward that he was he turned around and ran to the safe house.

He had failed, failed, FAILED. He couldn't go lower than that. Only after the door of his room shut behind him he got a little calmer. Wufei wouldn't follow him into this room and none of the others would either.

He peeled himself out of his clothes and took his knife. He only felt the urge to punish himself for his failure. To let out the pain. Why was he still there? Why was he still living? Why didn't he find the freedom he was longing for?

His movements got more and more erratic. Heero knew that the reason for this was that the effect of the drugs lessened. And the last week's depletion of his energy doubled this effect. But he didn't care anymore. And why should he? He had lost. Not even the thought that he would leave all of this behind him and would live peacefully under Dr. J's protection could give him any kind of reassurance. Why had he not been able to self-destruct? That solution would have been so much easier, for everyone.

But now, all that was left was for him to go back to Dr. J. His mentor would most probably curse as soon as he would recognize what the contact to the other pilots had caused in his perfect soldier. But J. would know how to handle the situation. Heero knew he even welcomed it, that his mentor would condition him again. After some weeks of training all his emotions would for sure be dead again.

Never again would he feel this kind of pain. Never again would he jeopardise a mission because of them. He would never again get distracted from his main tasks. It wasn't the solution Heero would have preferred, but it was the best he could get.

He cowered in the shower and put on the knife trembling. He began to cut, but somehow the big pain didn't lessen this time. Deeper and deeper the knife went into the flesh, in the vain attempt to escape the all-surrounding darkness. But he almost didn't felt the cuttings. And he didn't get any kind of redemption of his real hurt.

He got more and more shaky and he didn't recognize any longer what he was doing. All his energy had left his body. He was just a hollow shell. He could only move real slowly. Like a machine he cut again and again, not because it gave him any kind of redemption but because there was nothing else left. He didn't apprehend the situation. He just reacted.

Hours later - it could easily have just been seconds, Heero had lost his sense of time - it felt like it got harder to move his hand, to cut with the knife. With the last of his strength he tried to fight the unexpected resistance, fight the power that kept him from cutting. It felt like his hand was held steady by something.

For the fraction of a second Heero thought that someone was keeping him from punishing himself. But who should care about him, and why? This was just some sick, wishful thinking. Illusions fed by his dazed brain.

But with his limited strength he couldn't fight the barrier that hindered him cutting. The fading affect of the drugs caused Heero to drift deeper and deeper into the fog. But why should he fight anyway the cutting didn't bring any kind of salvation anymore. And his worn out body just wanted to let go of everything. Why make an effort, he had lost after all. He had lost Duo.

The next thing Heero realised was that he seemingly wasn't cowered in the shower anymore. Instead he sat on his bed. How he had gotten there he didn't know. But it felt quite real so it couldn't be any kind of illusion. Heero fixated his gaze on his left fist. All the time he had held his anchor in a death grip, had desperately tried to hold on this token.

Suddenly he felt hands grabbing him and trying to open his tensed fist. Heero panicked and fought against the intruder. His anchor was the only thing he had. Nobody would take this away from him! He mobilised more strength than he had thought it possible and fought like a berserk, tried to keep the unwanted hands of his attacker at bay. Aimlessly but wild he hit around him.

Then he heard some soft, soothing sounds. Heero couldn't understand their meaning, but the voice sounded so unbelievingly familiar. For some precious seconds Heero was lost in his dreams, was hoping that Shinigami was with him for real. “Duo?“ he asked with a small voice, even if it was completely impossible for him being near.

“Yes Heero, it's me,” was the answer he got. After that he felt a soft caress on his cheek. Inwardly he sighed and for one precious second he forgot about everything and just gave in to this wonderful feeling. How much he missed Duo and his caresses. It felt so good to just feel Duo's closeness.

But then the memory hit in. Duo didn't love him! Duo had left him! And had replaced him by someone else! Why was the Deathscythe pilot beside him? Why now? There was no way that Duo should see him in his weak state. After all, the mask of the perfect soldier was all that was left of him.

Horrified Heero shrugged away. He didn't want any kind of bodily contact and tried to bring as much distance between them as possible. “What are you doing here, Duo? You walked away,” Heero questioned with brittle voice.

“What am I doing here? Damn, I took care of you! You are hurt!” Duo yelled.

These words hit Heero like a blow in the face. Nobody should have to take care of him He was the perfect soldier! And Duo shouldn't see how weak he really was. It was bad enough to admit his defeat to himself, but Duo, no; Duo shouldn't know anything about it.

Anyhow, for what reason was the Deathscythe pilot spending his precious time with him? During the last weeks Duo had made it perfectly clear that he couldn't even bear to be near him. Had pushed Heero away at every opportunity. Why couldn't he leave him alone this time too? In a sudden reflex Heero's face transformed into his old emotionless mask. He tried desperately not to reveal any emotion. “But why? Go away. Leave me alone again,” was his gruff request towards the braided youth.

“I am not about to do such a thing. You are going to explain first what kind of shit you are doing. Activating the self-destruction of Wing, cutting yourself with a knife. What's all that?” Duo accused with an angry red face.

Inwardly Heero jerked. `They know! Duo knows!' But how could anyone know about his vain attempt to activate Wing's self-destruction mechanism? How should he explain that little stunt? Why did they know? And why oh why had Wing not self-destructed? Panic overflowed Heero. The whole situation was too much for him. He only wanted to be left alone. So he pushed Duo away. “Maxwell, back off!” was all he could gasp.

“No, you will tell me what's the meaning of all of this. And for sure I want to know what you are holding in your hand!“ Heero heard. Appalled he noticed that Duo's grip on his hands got stronger. Desperately he fought against it. But his strength was very limited at this point and so he knew already that he wouldn't be able to really do something against Duo's force. He didn't know why Duo wanted to lift his secret but for sure he didn't want for the Deathscythe pilot to see his anchor.

But despite all his defensiveness Heero's fingers got detached out of his fist. Inevitably the ring fell on the blanket. Heero whined like being in grate pain. One last time he tried to fetch the ring and bring it out of sight. But like expected his reflexes were way to slow. Horror-stricken Heero watched as Duo held the Ring close to his eyes leering at the inscription.

Heero escaped in the only direction possible and pressed himself deep into the corner of his bed, making himself as small as possible. A whimper flew out of his mouth as it became clear to him that Duo knew his secret. Only a few seconds until the Deathscythe pilot would realize the whole extent of his failure. Why oh why had he not been able to protect his anchor, to protect his secret? Why had the self-destruction mechanism not worked? Why had he not found his freedom? Shaky Heero waited for Duo's angry outburst.

One hand seized his shoulder and urged him with more force than really needed to look up towards Duo. The sight was worse than Heero had anticipated. Angry red flamed on the beautiful face; violet eyes glinted in his direction.

“God damn Heero. What is this all about? What's the meaning of this ring?”

Heero didn't want to answer those questions and so he tried to withdraw deeper behind the mask and pulled away from the angry Deathscythe pilot. But the hand on his shoulder didn't allow his retreat. A scarcely audible whimper left his mouth. He had never anticipated to ever be that weak.

“Dammed Heero, answer me already. What's the meaning of this ring?”

Heero felt a hand on his shoulder starting to shake him with more force. He remained silent, desperately trying to keep the secret. Duo's other hand came into Heero's field of vision. The braided youth held the ring accusingly before his eyes. “What's the meaning of this inscription Heero? Fuck, say something already.” Duo's angry words were corroborating by an increasing shake of his shoulder.

With a quicker movement than even Heero had considered possible he took his anchor out of Duo's hand. At once he clutched his hand around his anchor and encroached his fist towards his heart. His second hand surrounded the fist to protect his anchor. It was too late to keep his secret, but he was nevertheless counting himself lucky to have his anchor back. He would never let go of it again. It was the only thing that counted, the only thing able to give him strength.

“Heero!“ Duo yelled impatiently, demanding an answer. Heero bit the bullet. Duo would despise him as soon as he knew about his secret. But on the other hand, Duo despised him already. How much more could he depreciate in Duo's eyes? After all, the braided youth had seen the ring and had read the inscription, what was left to explain?

“He ring was intended for you,” murmured Heero scarcely audible.

But today Duo seemed to have ears of a lynx. “What do you mean by `intended for me'? Dammed, what do you mean with this, Heero?”

“I… I bought the ring for you. I intended to give it to you,“ tensely Heero awaited the angry reaction of Duo that inevitably would follow.

For some moments it was absolute silent in the room. The hand that had held his shoulder in a firm grip loosened and fell down. Then the braided youth started to speak. “When? And why?“ he asked with harsh words.

Heero ventured a fast gaze towards the Deathscythe pilot; the red on his face had deepened by some nuances. Involuntary Heero asked himself just when all the anger would break out of Duo. Again Heero shuddered. He knew that he had to confess everything. Duo wouldn't stop his questioning. Not anymore. But maybe it was all for the best. If Duo knew everything and would truly despise him then his parting would be so much easier.

Hoarsely Heero began to tell his tale. “I had bought and engraved it on the day after our first time,” he frowned at the memory. A warm emotion was overflowing him, just like always when he was thinking about these first moments. The first hours had been bliss. Everything had been like a dream. But this had been before he had known that he thought it to mean more than it actually did. It was when he still believed that someone like Duo could love him.

“I was so happy. And I wanted everything to be perfect. But I never know what to say - apart from the missions. I thought that you would understand what I wanted to say by giving you this ring. After all, it's supposed to be so. I am sorry, I wrongly thought that you feel something for me. I knew I was stupid to believe it.”

Heero saw that all of a sudden the entire colour disappeared out of Duo's face. White as a ghost the braided youth just sat there and stared at him. Heero jerked away and still waited for the unavoidable blow of anger to come.

“Then why didn't you give me the ring?“ Duo murmured angrily.

“I just couldn't find you the whole day long. And at the evening you told me that the whole affair didn't mean anything. That it was only sex, nothing more. How could I have given the ring to you at that point? And why should I? You wouldn't have wanted it. I didn't want to burden you with it, it was more than obvious that you don't harbour any feelings for me and only wanted my body. You never lie, after all. I hadn't wanted for you to know about my foolish emotions, they would have only bothered you anyway.”

Again it nearly took infinite time until Duo spoke again. It was beyond comprehension what could happen to something as linear as time in moments like this.

“And why did you agree to my conditions? Why didn't you say anything against it?”

Why was Duo asking something that stupid? How could he have protested back then? Should he have risked exposing his emotions and making himself vulnerable? Everything in Heero had protested against such an action. You never reveal a point of attack to an enemy. This was one of the doctrines of his training. For sure, Duo wasn't an enemy but Heero wasn't able to do something against his trained instincts.

No it was easier to hold his tongue and scold himself that he was so weak to even think for this short time that Duo could love him. Nobody could ever love him. After all he was a cold-blooded, emotionless killer. He didn't deserve to be loved by anyone. Least of all by someone as bright and alive as Duo.

“I didn't want for you to know about my weakness,” was everything that he could confess. He shut his eyes for some seconds. “And why did I agree to your conditions? This was the only way for me to be close to you, at least sometimes. And stupidly I still had the hope that maybe if I work really hard I would be worth your love. This was the reason why I did everything that you wanted; I just had the hope that I would please you enough. I knew I was stupid to believe such a thing. I knew that now. But what else could I have done? This was the only way for me to not be separated from you. At least until a few weeks back. Until you told me that you had enough of me. What did I do wrong, Duo? Where did I fail?”

He heard Duo sighing. Had he said something stupid again? Maybe he shouldn't have asked for the reason of Duo's repulse. After all, it was more than obvious that Duo didn't want him. How could anyone want such a failure like him?

“Why did you never kiss me?“ Duo asked.

Again such a stupid question. “How could I have done such a thing? You didn't love me, so I couldn't allow it. You only kiss the one you love. But why did you try it again and again? Did you want to torment me?”

But Duo didn't answer, he just jerked away. Heero didn't know if he really had the right to ask such questions of Duo, after all it sounded so reproachful.

“Relena was visiting us on that day. What did she want from you?“ came the sudden question.

What was the meaning of this? Without thinking Heero answered Duo's question. “The same she always wants - to flirt with me. I told her that day that I'm with you, that she had to stop it. That I will never love her the way I love you.“ Heero grimaced with disgust as he remembered that scene. “Please forgive me that I claimed such a thing. But it was before you told me the truth. Relena didn't cope this news very well. You know how she gets when she doesn't get what she wants. She started a tantrum and started scathing remarks again and again. Very soon I didn't even listen to her anymore. I was preoccupied with my own thoughts.”

Duo murmured something that sounded just like “Oh, god!“ but Heero wasn't really sure about it.

And the next question followed. “I saw you searching through all your clothes on that day. And you murmured my name while you did it. What was the meaning of this?”

Heero really didn't understand all this stupid and balderdash questions. He blushed at the memory of that particularly scene. “I couldn't find the ring. I searched like hell, and the whole time I kept thinking that I want to give it to you as soon as possible and that I have to find it very soon. I was so excited when I bought the ring that I left it at the jeweller. I had to drive back to the city to fetch it,” unintentionally Heero snorted. “Maybe I should have taken that as portent and let go of the whole thing. It would have spared me some of the disappointments of the evening. I ought to have known better than to belief in fairy tales.”

Heero could see Duo scowl and his face transformed into a stone cold mask. Duo was still white as a ghost and Heero was absolutely sure that the outburst from the Deathscythe pilot would follow soon. Now Duo would yell at him and tie him into knots because of his stupidity. But this was ok. He could live with Duo's scorn.

And in addition, this disdain from Duo most probably would make it easier for Heero to go back to J. After Duo's outburst there would be no more excuses to stay. And he truly deserved the scorn, because of the failure he was. He couldn't even bring his own Gundam to explode.

- - - -

Duo couldn't believe what he was hearing. This couldn't be true. `NO! NO! NO!' he yelled inwardly. `Oh god, please let this not be true,' Duo pleaded.

But it got worse with every second. Heero's story went on and Duo thought that he had to swelter under all the despair and guilt he was feeling. Could it really be the truth? Could it really be that Heero felt something for him? Could it be that he had misunderstood everything? That he had totally screwed up? `NO! PLEASE NO!“

But there was this ring. The ring that meant so much to Heero that the Wing pilot had fought for it like a berserk. And the inscription of the ring couldn't be denied. This was a fact Duo couldn't discuss away. This ring wasn't a fata morgana and for sure not a fake.

When Heero told him that he had bought the ring to do everything in the right way, to show Duo how he truly felt, at that particular moment Duo thought for the third time this day that he was hit by a mobile suite. He didn't know where Heero got that old-fashioned notion that one had to get a ring. But DAMN he had been correct with one thing, Duo would have known at once and for sure what Heero tried to express with this ring.

If only Heero had given him the ring. All the shit of the last months would not have happened. The pain he felt when he realized how much he must have hurt Heero was so big that it was almost indescribably. He would never in all his life be able to pay for the pain he had caused.

But Duo couldn't wallow in his pity. He had to know everything. He wouldn't allow any new misunderstandings. He asked Heero meticulously about every event of this disastrous day nine months ago.

The moment when Heero admitted that he had told Relena to leave him alone because he now belonged to Duo, Duo's heart nearly broke. `OH GOD!' he truly had misinterpreted everything. Heero hadn't agreed with that stupid bitch. And she only had had her tantrum because Heero had escaped her grip.

And then Heero spoke about the moment that had hurt Duo the most. `NO! NO! NO!' Duo yelled in his head again. Could it really be that he was such a god damn fool? Heero had only desperately searched for the precious ring that he had forgotten at the jewellers shop. And the Wing pilot had only murmured his name because he wanted to gift him with the treasure as soon as possible.

Duo jerked. This couldn't be true! One person couldn't fuck up so completely!

Unwanted but all the more lively the memories of the last month hit Duo. He had to witness again how he had treated Heero. Horror-stricken he groaned. Hadn't Heero just confessed that he had done everything that Duo wanted in desperate hope to earn Duo's love? FUCK, he had really fucked up. He knew how bad he had been during the last months, but he couldn't even guess how much that situation must have cost Heero. `AND THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!' Duo accused himself.

Slowly but merciless all the pieces of the puzzle got into place. He remembered Heero's muttered confession about punishing himself for failure. How often had the Wing pilot done such a thing with the cuttings and the hot water? Duo slapped his hand over his mouth in horror as he realised that Heero had been in the shower for hours every time when they had parted. Could it be that Heero had punished himself every time?

And all this cuts! Duo's gaze moved over the arms of his opponent. `FUCK!' He couldn't even try to comprehend how many cuts were on the arms. Or how many it had been altogether as some of them had already healed until now.

And the whole appearance of Heero. Never before not even after his capture by OZ had the perfect soldier looked this broken. The youth that sat before him wasn't the perfect soldier any more. It was a fragile human being that he had hurt unutterable.

The haggard frame reminded Duo that Heero must have lost a lot of weight during the last weeks. This must have happened due to all the mental stress. Duo swallowed as he got aware of the fact how cruelly he had parted himself from the other youth. `OH NO!' he yelled in his mind. But he couldn't ignore his responsibility for this. He had pushed away Heero cold-blooded. And after that he had treated him even worse. `NO! NO! NO!' He couldn't even start to try to comprehend how the Japanese had fared during that time.

He had hurt so much, but he had had Quatre and Trowa for support. He had cried on their shoulders and they had consoled him in any way. Nobody had done such a thing for Heero's sake.

`OH GOD!' And the other two had shunned from Heero too. Had let him pay for everything because they believed in Duo's version of the story.

Was this the reason why Heero had? Duo receded this thought for a second. He couldn't form this idea into words. But then he scorned himself that he couldn't be such a coward. Not any more. For sure, the stress of the last weeks must have been the reason why Heero had tried to commit suicide.

The activation of the self-destruction mechanism hadn't been any kind of accident. It must have been the full intent of the Wing pilot. Suddenly Duo got really sick, he felt like never before in his life. Everything in him yearned to run for the toilet and throw up all his self-loathing he felt in this moment. But he couldn't leave Heero alone.

`IT'S MY FAULT! IT'S MY FAULT! IT'S MY FAULT!' he thought. This couldn't be true, but the sight of the small trembling boy who desperately clung to the ring and tried to crawl as deep as possible into the corner in front of him told a different story. He was responsible for all the pain Heero had had to endure. He was responsible for Heero to be like that!

`But now I know the truth!' yeah sure. Now he knew everything. Now he could elucidate the disastrous misunderstanding. He could turn everything to a good account! He knew now that Heero loved him. Oh how much had he yearned for this to happen. The happiness he was feeling because of this was the only thing that eased some of the pain. Never ever would he allow such a misunderstanding to get between him and Heero again?

He raised his hand to pet Heero. But the Wing pilot jerked away just as if he expected a blow. Again Duo cursed himself to the deepest hell and stopped in the middle of the movement. How much hurt must he have caused the youth that Heero was thinking so low of him?

He started to move again, this time really slow and calm. For a short second he could see the horror in Heero's eyes. “Shooo, please. I wont harm you. Everything is going to be alright,” he tried to calm the Japanese youth. His hand had reached Heero's face and started to stroke soothingly. “Everything is going to be alright, Heero,“ he repeated again and again.

“What are you doing, Duo?” Heero asked with fragile voice.

Duo sighed deeply. Now it was high time to clarify every dishevelment. “Heero, nothing is as it seems. It was only a big misunderstanding. One big, bad, horrible misunderstanding. And I'm so sorry.”

Heero's cobalt blue eyes flew wide open in shock. “A misunderstanding?” he asked doubtfully.

Duo could only nod. For some precious seconds he enjoyed the close contact to Heero and asked himself just when he would be able to held his love in his arms again. This aspiration wasn't as absurd as it had been merely hours ago.

“Yes, Heero. It was just a fucked of misunderstanding. You see I just got something wrong.” Duo swallowed deeply. Yes, he was responsible for all this misery but nevertheless it wasn't easy to acknowledge this and couch it into words. “I heard what Relena said to you this day. She said some very bad things about me and she mocked my past. And she asked you if you weren't afraid that I would rob you when you took someone like me into your bed.”

Heero wanted to say something, but Duo stopped him before he could start. He didn't want to get interrupted; he wanted to confess everything as soon as possible. “You see I didn't know that you weren't even listening to her. For me it looked like you agreed with her. And afterwards… afterwards I caught you when you searched your clothes. During this you murmured my name. It looked as if you were thinking that I had stolen something from you. This really hurt me deeply. You have to understand that. I was so hurt, and because of this hurt I told you in the evening that I only wanted sex from you. I just wanted to protect myself with this. I am so sorry, I really am. Nothing of this should have happened. It was just one bloody misunderstanding.”

With every sentence Duo spoke Heero's eyes seemed to get colder. Duo could understand that the Wing pilot was angry but this coldness left him uncomfortable.

“Only a misunderstanding? You thought that I think of you as a thief. THIS is the reason for everything??? But you told me that you only wanted sex, nothing more. What's to misunderstand in this sentence?”

“Heero, that just wasn't all the truth. I want more from you than sex. Damn a hell of a lot more, because I care for you. I care a lot, I love you.”

“You never lie, Duo, how could it be that the things you told me that night aren't true? How could you say something different now? What's the truth and what's the lie?”

Duo got more and more desperate. How could he make Heero see that `not lying' didn't necessarily mean that one had to tell the whole truth? How to explain that if someone omits something it wasn't laying? Heero thought like a machine. He only knew the `correct' and `wrong', the `black' and `white' of his missions. Heero didn't knew that there were millions of grey shades when people life together.

“Heero, I was so hurt. I didn't want to lose my face, that's why I told you that story. And it wasn't a full lie. Because I just didn't tell you that I want more of you that I care for you. If only I had known that you felt the same. Nothing of this would have happened. Oh please, please understand. I didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted to protect myself.”

“Protect? Against what?” Heero asked with a bitter voice.

“It hurt so much to think that you believed me to be a thief. We are friends and I would never rob a friend. This is dishonourable. I thought that you took me for scum. It hurt so much and I just didn't want to get more hurt. That's the reason why I told you these things in the evening. Please, I didn't know that I was wrong. Please!”

Heero jerked his head away and Duo's hand fell like a dead weight on the blanket. “You didn't want to get hurt? Because of the suspicion to be a thief? Duo, you are a thief! You are the first one to admit it. How could such a suspicion possibly hurt you?”

Duo considered very hard how he could bring Heero to see that there was a big difference between `robbing a stranger to not starve or to accomplish a mission' and `robbing a friend'. This was one of the holiest laws of the street. If someone were to rob his friends he was already dead.

But before Duo could say a thing, Heero spoke on, “When we first met you shot me, twice! And we became friends despite that fact. I loved you nevertheless. But then you just misunderstand something and because of this you start to lie? How should I know that you are not lying now? How could I ever be sure of anything again?”

Heero seemed to be angry. Duo hadn't thought that this would happen. He thought that now with the misunderstanding straightened out they could reconcile. They loved each other after all. Now that they knew this fact they should move on.

“Heero, just try to understand. You have never lived on the streets. This false accusation was the most awful thing anyone could think of me. It hurt so much. And because of this hurt I said these stupid things. It wasn't the full truth and I apologize. But please understand I just wanted to protect myself. And please believe me when I tell you that I love you. That's no lie,” he raised his hand again, wanted to touch Heero's face.

With a fast movement Heero slapped the hand away. A storm of emotions - more than Duo had ever thought possible - ran over Heero's face. “You didn't want to get hurt again? And that gave you the right to hurt me? Do you know how much I suffered because of this?” Heero's gaze moved over his scarred arms. “It was beyond all bearing. I had to cut myself to let out some of the hurt. I had to punish myself for the failure I was. I needed the physical pain so that I could bear the mental one. After all, physical pain I could take. But you didn't want to get hurt?”

Duo swallowed hard as he looked at the scars and heard the accusing words. He was responsible. He knew that already. But he had hoped that he could excuse himself more easily. “Heero, please, you just don't understand…” he tried to say.

Heero cut in angrily. Duo was astonished how much energy the defeated Japanese suddenly had. “NO! It's only you who don't understand, Duo! I have done everything you wanted. And you treated me like shit for that. You treated me as if I was some kind of sex-toy. But I tried so hard. I gave everything to you I could. Did everything to get your approval. And I never had a chance to begin with because you didn't want to get hurt! I bear so much for you, but you pushed me away. Why did you do THAT, if you really love me? Why did you throw me away?”

`DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.' This got more and more complicated. “I did suffer too, Heero! I was so wretched; I just couldn't stand to be so close and still so far away from you. It nearly killed me. I thought you didn't love me back! Please Heero, lets stop speaking about this stupid mistake. We both suffered, but please we love each other. Bury the pain. Let's get happy together.”

“What do you know about pain?” Heero shouted angrily. “Do you even know how I felt on that evening? First you used me then you threw me away as if I was a broken toy. Without giving me a chance. I didn't even now why you broke up. And then the days after that evening. You treated me like a leper. At the mere sight of me you ran away. Could you understand how much this hurt ME? And the others, they got infected by you. Nobody spoke with me. I was totally isolated. I only had my pain left. Could you imagine that? Could you imagine how much I must have been hurt before I started to believe that death was better than this situation? Yes, I was on the verge to kill myself, Duo. I couldn't stand living any longer. I just wanted peace. So don't you dare tell me that you got hurt too! YOU HAD FRIENDS! All I got was your disdain!”

Duo arched under the accusations of his opponent. Every word hit like a whip, cutting deep. But he deserved this. He had hurt the Wing pilot to no end. “Please Heero. Please forgive me. It will never happen again, I promise. I'm going to make everything right if only you will give me a second chance. Please.”

With great shock Duo saw that suddenly all the emotions left Heero's face. Only the stone-cold soldier mask was left, the mask he had always hated. “No Duo. I don't want this any more. I don't want this pain ever again. Emotions are just a torment. It would have been better if I never had had them. Dr. J was right all along with his training. I never should have had any emotions. And I don't want them any more.”

Duo whimpered, this couldn't be what Heero really wanted, could it? `OH PLEASE NO!' he begged in his mind. “Heero, please,“ he tried once more to reach the pilot of Wing.

But the Japanese just stared at him with cold eyes. “All the time I did as you ordered. Now it's my turn to decide. It's over Duo. No more emotions. No more pain. I'll go back to J. I'm not good with other people. I'm not good for dealing with emotions. I've learned that much. I don't love you any more, Duo!”

Horror-stricken Duo could see that Heero moved his left fist away from his heart. Then the Japanese opened the fist and just as if in slow motion Duo could see the ring falling on the bed. This gesture showed Heero's judgement over him more than thousand words could do. He had hurt Heero that much.

And Duo couldn't even resent this sentence. Heero must have been afflicted a lot. He had all the right in the world to get angry at Duo. `It's my fault!' Duo castigated himself. He had fucked up real bad. And Heero had paid for it. In comparison his own hurt looked trivial.

No way that he could ever make up for that damage he had caused. His thoughts were running in his head. Desperately he searched for a way to coax Heero to stay. This couldn't be the end, Heero couldn't go back to Dr. J. Duo knew that Heero's mentor would kill every emotion in the Wing pilot, only the stone-cold killer machine, the perfect soldier would be left.

Sure, Heero was hurt, but this wasn't any solution. Duo was willing to do everything to ease Heero's pain. But he couldn't think of anything to stop him. And he couldn't force him to not go to Dr. J. This would worsen the situation even more.

Desperately he leaned forward, both his hands resting on the blanket. He brought his face as close to Heero's as possible. “Please, Heero, I beg you. Don't throw everything away. Please give me a second chance.”

But Heero just shook his head disquietly and pointed with his hand towards the door. “I want you to go, Maxwell,” he said coldly.

Duo swallowed. He had lost. Heero's verdict was definite. He knew that words wouldn't change anything in Heero right now. No matter what he would say. There was only one thing left to do. With a sigh he stood and prowled out of the room. Cursing himself to the deepest hell.