Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ Surgery Part 13 ( Chapter 20 )

The Road to Kindness

Chapter 7

 

Author's Note: Well, I'm trying something different. I'm going to attempt to post once a week, something I've never attempted because I've been busy, but I'm not so busy anymore, so we'll see how this works out. I never thought I'd get this part out so soon, so far so good, right? I'm really glad that people are liking this so far, and that most of the people who responded to my last question said that they like these 30ish page updates. I'm glad I decided to do them like that because, otherwise, none of chapter 7 would be up yet and I'd hate to do that to those that really do like this fic. So, why is this part up earlier than expected? Well, I had more time because I got laid off from my job, and, here's a hint to all you readers, I got a bunch of positive reviews, which always make me write faster. Not necessarily because so many people want me to, which is an incentive, but because positive reviews make me want to write, and they make me hyper with writer-happiness. If only this could be my job…

 

I have officially decided that this exponential chapter thing has to stop. 400 page chapters are ridiculous (as one reader pointed out) and I'm not even done with Chapter 7. This does not bode well for Chapter 8 (evil laughter). Hopefully, when I'm writing that doozy of a chapter, I won't be `inspired' like I was with this chapter and end up writing a ton of new notes for it. Actually, with that chapter, I have few notes on it, but the things that are happening are so huge and important, plot wise, that it'll probably end up being a huge chapter anyway. When I started this stupid thing, I was looking at a seventy-page, five year old fic that just needed a little tune up, but now… I'll be lucky if I finish this thing before I turn forty… (I'm 22) and no, that's not even a joke.

 

Oh, yeah, still looking for a beta. Preferably one that is serious about taking me on and reads their e-mail frequently, because all of my potential betas end up disappearing for some reason. Then again, one look at the notes for this fic will probably send any sane person running far away from me.

 

Part 13

 

“Dammit, Heero never should have come with me to Boston!”

“If he hadn't been there, everything would have been fine!”

“Don't you ever say that again! And don't you ever let Heero hear you say that!”

“Say what? That what happened was only one of our fault's? That he should just stay the hell away from me before something else happens?”

 

Heero, his back against the wall near Duo's door, listened to the argument that was happening in the other room, the words muffled and distorted, but as clear as day to him. He squeezed his eyes shut at the pain in Duo's voice, guilt and agony ripping through his heart with each accusation. Duo was only saying what Heero knew, that it was his fault, that anyone else would have been able to protect him. Duo didn't even want him near him anymore… that one, simple fact was tearing his heart to shreds. He was too powerless and too naïve to have any business being Duo's friend, and by the time he had realized that, it was too late. He had put Duo's life at stake wanting to believe that he could conquer anything, all on his own. He hadn't changed at all! He was still just as selfish and spoiled as he had always been, only now Duo was forced to pay for his mistakes. He couldn't fix things this time… his luck with Duo and his wonderful, graceful forgiveness had finally run out.

The sounds of the video game were abruptly silenced. Heero's hands curled into tight, angry fists. That familiar impulse came quickly back to him, like an old habit or a repetitive thought, the need to strike out at something or someone. In the past, it had always been someone, but the only people around him were people he would never hit. He knew that, when he did find something to hit, he would feel better, though only for a short while, then these feelings of rage and worthlessness would come back.

He should have protected Duo, instead, he had proved to be completely useless. He should have gone after Chris. The bastard deserved to die for what he had done! Yet, here he was, standing outside Duo's room like a coward while Chris got away with the whole thing. He had just walked away and left them… That was where most of his anger was coming from, the knowledge that he had let Chris rape and almost kill his best friend, without so much as a scratch…

The door opened and Trowa walked out, closing the door quietly behind him. When he saw Heero standing there, he looked surprised, almost startled. The expression made Heero even angrier. Why wouldn't he be standing outside Duo's door? Even if Duo hated him, Heero still saw him as his best friend, so why wouldn't he still be worried about him? And why did Trowa, who wasn't Duo's best friend, get to sit by his bedside and hold his hand while Heero couldn't? He knew the answer to that question, but still… Was he really… being replaced? Heero took a step towards the other boy and felt a spark of nasty glee that he immediately hated himself for as Trowa looked alarmed. Trowa must think the worst of him, too, Heero thought, if he really thought he was going to hit him. It was tempting, but this was Trowa, and surely he still had some morals left, some standards.

Right now, Heero wasn't sure what feeling was eating at him the most, regret, anger, or jealousy. He missed hearing the video game's soundtrack, it made him think of the first time Duo had come to sleep over. He hadn't been able to believe Duo when he had told him that he had never played video games before. Heero had thought that there was no way a teenage boy couldn't have played a video game before. He had learned, though. In knowing Duo, he had learned a lot of things, some good, some bad. He remembered how happy they had both been that day and how much he missed playing video games with him. It had only been a few days, but he missed Duo, as though he really had died and he was being haunted by Duo's ghost. It was almost as though he was on a terrible nightmare that he couldn't wake up from. He missed being happy…

Heero stood in front of Trowa, almost in his face, and his angry expression was almost enough to make Trowa take a step back, but he stood his ground.

“Duo's sick,” Heero snapped at him, “He should be resting, not playing childish games with you!”

Trowa narrowed his eyes at his friend, feeling angry, himself, at Heero's accusations. What really angered him was that he knew Heero wasn't even really angry at him, he just wanted to lash out at someone and since Trowa was acting how Heero was supposed to be acting in this situation, he made the best target.

“If you're so upset about it,” Trowa shot back, “Then you should be the one playing with him in the first place, not me!”

The two teenagers glared at each other for what seemed like hours, waiting for one of them to break and look away.

“I know that,” Heero ground out, pushing past Trowa to his own bedroom, though he didn't slam the door like he wanted to, in case Duo was sleeping.

 

*****

 

Waking up the next morning for school seemed hellish to Duo. He spent most of the previous day in bed, napping, but he still felt exhausted, like he hadn't been sleeping at all. Trying to stay awake because of his nightmares had been impossible last night. He had dreamed, and the dream was quickly becoming a horrible normality for him, but he was slowly getting over the sickness he felt over the nightmares. Almost everything else was getting better, though. He didn't ache anymore, though, if he moved the wrong way, his back did hurt quite a bit. His appetite hadn't recovered at all and he had to force himself to eat anything. Name made him a bagged lunch anyway and Duo took it to keep her from worrying, which she was doing enough for all of them.

It was obvious to the four boys that Name didn't want Duo to go back to school so soon. She asked Duo if he was ok to go at least five times between breakfast and his trying to get out the door. Duo's body practically screamed at him that staying home would be a good idea, but he refused to do it. All he wanted was for things to go back to normal and school was a step in the right direction.

School was… weird. That was the best way that Duo could describe it. It almost did feel normal, walking through the halls to his first class, sitting in his familiar seat, but the lack of words between himself and Heero quickly destroyed that illusion. He didn't know if he should be glad that he still wasn't used to their distance. He didn't want it to become normal, but he was sick of being caught off guard by it. He had thought that school would make things better, it would keep him busy and keep his mind off things he didn't want to think about, but it was just as painful being at school.

He couldn't concentrate. He had always loved school, had always loved learning new things as a way to escape and see and hear and read things outside of his dark world. But today, he was too tired, too distracted by Heero's presence in the desk next to his. It alarmed him, that he had to struggle to keep his eyes open through his first two classes.

If anyone was suspicious about why the five of them had left early on the trip, no one acted differently towards them, though Une did shoot Duo worried looks every time she caught him yawning or his head or eyelids dropping during her lectures. It was almost like nothing bad had happened, if Duo ignored what was going on between him and Heero, and how lethargic he was. He was just glad Heero's concussion was healed and he was the only one experiencing problems, even if he refused to tell anyone about it. He knew that the second he did, Name would rush him back to the hospital.

Quatre was too busy keeping an eye on Zechs to notice what was going on with Duo. He remembered what Zechs had tried to do to him and, while he knew Zechs was in no way responsible for what had happened, he wanted to find some way to blame him. Maybe, if Zechs hadn't attacked him, he would have realized Heero and Duo were missing sooner. That seemed unlikely to him, and even if he had known it sooner, he still didn't see how it would have made any difference, but it was still tempting to blame the bully for what had happened.

After lunch, once he had eaten his yoghurt and laid his head down for the half hour, Duo was slightly more alert and was finally able to enjoy the day. Not that there was much of a day to look forward to for him. Name had written a not to get him out of gym, so he spent that block watching Trowa and Heero play basketball against Quatre and Wufei's team. History was unbearable. Williams was even more vicious than usual for some reason and yelled at Duo whenever he caught him yawning.

With the exception of Art and Cooking, the day seemed to dragon on forever and, just when he thought he had control over his odd lack of energy, it was all over and he fell asleep in the car on the way home.

 

*****

 

The week drawled on in tedium, not only for Duo, but for Name, too. Every morning, she had held on to the hope that she would wake to find that things had changed, Duo and Heero would be talking again, and everything would be back to normal. It was Thursday night, Name was cleaning the dinner dishes at the sink while Duo finished up his homework at the table. Six days had passed since he and Heero had been kidnapped, but nothing had changed. Heero and Duo still weren't talking, turning every instance that they were together icy and painful.

Name glanced over at Duo as he scribbled on a worksheet. Anyone who didn't know him well would probably look at him and say that he was fine. His bruises were finally starting to fade, and if she hadn't been aware of his past physical abuse, she would have been angry at how no one had asked about his injuries. It still made her angry, but she knew there was nothing she could do about it. No one could make people care. He wasn't as tired as he had been, either, but even she could tell he was dragging himself around. Today, he had finally started to eat solid food again, so she had made foods with a lot of nutrients that would give him more energy. He did look better, less haunted, but Name knew better.

He wasn't eating. Oh, he wasn't completely starving himself. When she had made apple crepes for him this morning, he had seemed so happy and had definitely eaten some, but in the slow way he had eaten, and how he had pushed his food around between bites, Name knew that he was forcing himself to eat, not out of hunger, but taste and psychological need. Duo still had no appetite. It wasn't obvious, but to her trained, motherly eye, Name could tell that he was losing weight, maybe a pound or two, maybe less, but he was a bit thinner. It worried her enough that she was contemplating taking him to a hospital. She would have taken him already, but she knew how much the hospital had scared Duo and didn't want to put him through that again unless it was absolutely necessary. At least he was eating, she told herself, she could be thankful for that. Or maybe she was just spooking herself and all of this would resolve itself with time. If only Heero and Duo could get their heads out of their asses and get over what had happened, she was sure everything would be alright.

Name looked away from Duo and shook her head.

`But with these two… I could be waiting forever,' she thought in exasperation.

 

*****

 

Duo felt like his life was turned on its side. He struggled with food and sleep, still feeling more tired than he should, having frequent, violent nightmares, and his stomach hurt when he ate more than half of what he ate normally, but none of those things held a candle to how lonely he felt. It was strange, his distance from Heero had forced him to be closer to Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. In the past, that should have been enough. But what he had had with Heero had been special, unique, and he was floundering without it. He couldn't even analyze it to find why he felt so close to him, but now that their relationship was broken, he felt empty inside.

He should have felt worried about the dreams and how they refused to fade, and his appetite, but he wasn't dying and it wasn't messing around with him too much, so he struggled to ignore it. At least he had gotten to the point where Une was no longer looking at him like she thought he was going to keel over after the first two days. He did feel bad about being so close to Quatre and Trowa. They had been Heero's friends first, but since Duo was spending so much time with them, Heero was distancing himself from them as well as Duo. However, whenever Duo tried to back off, Quatre and Trowa would become worried about him.

Duo was thrown out of his thoughts by the shrill ringing of the end of period bell. He was feeling very drowsy today again, despite the bright morning light shining through the windows of the science classroom. Spring was just starting to break through winter, though it was still a little bit cool out, though Duo was used to the normally brisk weather in the north. He normally liked the winter because Wes' apartment had no air conditioning and he had never spared a fan for Duo's room, plus, Duo had always thought that heat was more unbearable than cold. Though, back when he had been living on the streets, winter and summer had been an equal death sentence. There were too few blankets to keep warm, and too little water to keep hydrated. He wasn't quite sure what had been scarier back then, the threat of hypothermia or the threat of dehydration and heat stroke. He had always thought that death was death and it didn't really matter what way you went, the end result was the same, but now, after living with Wes and after almost dying repeatedly, he definitely thought that some ways were better than others.

“Duo, lunch time,” Quatre's light, carefree voice broke through his thoughts and Duo smiled at him.

“Sorry, I'm feeling a bit spacey today,” he admitted. Trowa, who had been in a different class, pushed his way through the rush of students that were fleeing from the classroom to get to the cafeteria and tapped his lover on the shoulder. Quatre beamed up at him, his genuine, loving and excited expression making Duo's heart hurt. Duo watched as Heero got up from his seat and left the three of them in the room without a single word. At least he was still eating at their table, Duo thought, even if Heero didn't look any of them in the eye. He didn't want to think about how much it would hurt on the day that Heero left them completely.

Duo gathered his things, shoving them into his black book bag, and followed his two friends out of the classroom. The hallways seemed inexplicably more crowded than usual, but that was probably because the weekend was so close by and no one cared about not shoving, especially on a day like today when everyone could finally have lunch outside in the warm sun. Duo struggled through the crowd, cursing his own shortness as he had to keep an eye on Quatre's shimmering blonde hair to even keep up with them. Suddenly, someone grabbed his arm and he spun in alarm, unable to stop his harsh flinch. For a moment, a silly bit of hope sparked in him that it was Heero grabbing him, finally wanting to talk to him again. Instead of the warm, deep blue eyes that he had fallen in love with, he ended up looking into dark brown ones covered by glasses.

“Mr. Williams,” he murmured, a little sharply. After Heero had threatened the teacher last time, he hadn't approached Duo, so his presence now was immensely unpleasant to him. He could still remember the man's accusations and how he had been unable to defend himself because, deep down, he had wondered if they were true.

“I need to talk to you,” the teacher said tersely, pulling Duo forward. Duo looked back for his friends, desperately wanting some help. Those age old instincts that Wes had beaten into him to always listen and do what he was told screamed at him to just do what Williams wanted, but the new parts of himself that were finally starting to win the daily battle inside of him screamed just as loudly to break away, but Trowa and Quatre had disappeared into the crowd, his last link to his tentative strength abandoning him. He walked in stride with his teacher, not wanting to be pulled around like a little kid.

He certainly felt like a little kid about to be scolded for something he didn't even remember doing as Williams led him into his History classroom and his dull brown eyes pierced into him.

“What is it that you want to talk to me about?” Duo asked, almost demurely, not liking the silence. He kept trying to tell himself that there was really nothing that Williams could do to him. He was an ass, and could be cruel at times in class, but he was still a teacher, and if he laid a hand on him, Mr. Khushrenada would fire him. In the past, Duo would have worried about the principal not believing him, but Treize had proved, again and again, the lengths he was willing to go to see that he was treated with respect. Still… he felt powerless again. Whatever Williams wanted to talk to him about, he was sure it was something bad, or at least embarrassing, and he definitely didn't want to look weak in front of this man by running away like last time. Williams leaned against his desk, still giving Duo a look that made his insides squirm.

“Do you think that high school is a joke?” the man finally asked, “I know a lot of your peers do. You all think that, until you hit college, this building is just a place to fuck around and any trouble you get in, you can easily get yourself out of, because you're just `kids'.”

Duo's gut clenched. He had tried so hard to get back into school again after running away, had been trying hard ever since then to prove how serious he was about his education, so to hear one of his teachers accuse him of messing around and not taking things seriously… if he hadn't hated Williams before, he certainly hated him now.

“Of course I don't think this is a joke!” he insisted, “Why would I bother coming back and doing all that work if I was just planning on messing up again?”

“I don't know,” Williams said snidely, “But it certainly makes you think, doesn't it? You say that things are different, that you've changed, you do all this hard work, but you're the same, isn't that right?”

“What are you talking about?” Duo demanded, but, with a chill down his spine, he knew exactly what he was talking about and it made him sick inside.

“I know what happened in Boston,” Williams informed him with a superior smirk. Duo's stomach clenched again, but harder, filling him with the urge to throw up. How was this possible? Even Une didn't know what had happened! How could Williams had found out?!

“You say that you're different,” Williams drawled, “But you're up to your old tricks, aren't you? Still fucking around, still thinking that makes you special. I'm actually surprised that you didn't use that as an excuse to skip school again. And getting Yuy involved… that's just cold,” he put a hand on Duo's shoulder, not noticing how Duo was shaking slightly, “I wonder how your `father' would feel, knowing what his kid was doing with someone like Yuy. Did you get him involved, or did he volunteer?”

Duo shoved Williams' hand off of him.

“Shut up!” he hissed, “You don't know anything, no one knows anything! Why does anyone think that this is their business?! Heero has nothing to do with my fuck ups, and I am different! If you can't see that… how could you, you didn't know me to begin with!”

Williams snorted.

“Really, you've changed? You're right, I don't see it, and no one else has, either. If you think they have, you're kidding yourself!” he jeered. Duo stepped away from him, the truth of those words, that he would never change, that he was just pulling everyone down with him, things he had always believed, filled him with a deep sense of revulsion and guilt. He fled the room, but Williams didn't follow him, he just heard the man chuckling at him.

He didn't run into the cafeteria, as alarmed as he was by Williams' words, he didn't want to talk to Trowa or Quatre right now, and he certainly didn't want to have to look at Heero, only to have him look away. Instead, he ended up at his locker and leaned his forehead against the cold metal. Those things he had said… weren't they true? He had changed, but not as much as he wanted to… but he had, right? Still… that darkness inside of him had remained and, little by little, he was dragging his friends into that world… one of the monsters that existed in that world that he had thought he had left had tried to kill Heero. But he hadn't wanted that to happen! Williams made it sound like he had wanted to dirty Heero, like he didn't want to change at all, but that wasn't true! But even if it wasn't true, he couldn't help but think about it, torture himself with it…

A large hand gripped his arm, and he snapped. Couldn't he have a single, damn moment to himself, to think and figure out what he was going to do.

“Leave me alone!” he snapped as he spun to glare at his teacher. He didn't even care that it was his teacher, his superior, that he was snapping at anymore. However, once again, he found himself looking up into different eyes than he had expected. Instead of flat, dark brown, the eyes he met were chips of blue ice.

“What crawled up your ass and died?” Zechs said with a smirk. Duo glared at him. He didn't know which was more unwanted right now, Williams' oblivious judgments about his personal character, or Zechs' snobbish, constant intrusions. Williams spoke like he knew him, but Zechs did know him, which made the things he said unpleasant, but often true. But at least Duo felt that he could stand up to him, even if the silver-haired boy was very intimidating to him.

“You, Zechs,” Duo ground out, “Whatever attitude problem I have, feel free to always trace it back to you.”

He pushed against Zechs shoulder as he realized that he was trapped against his locker and the hallway was very, very empty, but the older boy stood his ground and shoved him back, Duo hitting the locker and realizing with a chill that, not only was he alone, Zechs clearly didn't care about the threat of expulsion Treize had given him. He felt completely helpless against the boy. There was still that residual, childish fear of the bully that had haunted his middle school years, but there was also the fact that it didn't matter if Duo felt like fighting back, Zechs was over a foot taller than him and was athletic, while Duo had spent his life running and hiding, not lifting weights or playing football. He could easily outrun him, but actually getting away from him had always been a feat.

“Where's your hurry?” Zechs teased, “I've been trying to get you alone for a month, but those friends of yours are like parasites that refuse to leave their host. What did you do? Screw all of them for `protection'?” Zechs grabbed Duo's arm tight enough to bruise, his tone turning bitter. Duo's hands tightened into fists at the suggestion that any of his friends would let him do that.

“They just want to protect me from assholes like you. It's called friendship, that's how people are supposed to treat each other,” he snapped.

“Once a whore, always a whore, huh, Maxwell?” Zechs' superior smirk returned, but there was a darkness in his eyes that Duo didn't like one bit. All he knew was that he was sick of people thinking that about him, Zechs, Williams, himself…

“Maybe you're too closed minded to see me as anything else!” Duo growled at him.

“Or maybe you're just too stubborn to see the truth,” Zechs shot back. Duo opened his mouth to shout back that, if Zechs didn't see how ironic that statement was coming from him, he was an idiot, but the next thing he knew was Zechs' scent, overwhelming him, and the feel of his lips on his, the sensation of his tongue running over his skin. It was so sudden, so unexpected in the moment of their heated argument, that Duo made the mistake of opening his mouth again to gasp, allowing Zechs' tongue to slip inside and he tasted him as he struggled, vainly, to shove the other boy off of him.

Zechs had been the only john he had ever known that would readily kiss him on the mouth. A lot of the men he had slept with had seen too many movies, in Duo's opinion, and were under the impression that no whore would let their customer kiss them on the mouth because it was too `intimate' or `personal'. In truth, Duo had never met a whore who lived by that rule. All the whores he knew thought like him, how could a simple touch of lips be more intimate than a stranger sticking his dick inside your body? What could possibly be more personal than that? Wes had kissed him sometimes… but he had never been a customer to Duo. Zechs had paid for his body, but Chris and Wes never had, they had just taken because they knew that they could.

The taste of the other boy was highly unpleasant to him and he immediately hated himself for that decision that seemed to have been made so long ago. He had thought that having Zechs fuck him would be more bearable than the bullying, but really, it had been the same. And now, Zechs thought that he owned him, just because he had fucked him in the mornings. It was the same with Wes, he had thought that, just because he owned his body, he was entitled to everything else, even Duo's love. Duo shivered as it finally came back to him where they were. This wasn't a janitor's closet or an empty gym room, they were in a public hallway and a teacher or student, maybe even one of his friends, could come along at any minute. Though it hadn't happened yet, just the thought filled him with revulsion and shame. He shoved against the older boy again, harder, and Zechs finally relented, his tongue and lips leaving him. Duo rubbed at his own lips, trying to get the wet feeling to leave them.

“Are you insane?!” he gasped out, his stomach churning, “You can't do that!”

Zechs smirked at him, completely unashamed by his actions, but then Duo knew that he had always considered himself above reproach and rules. It was why his bullying had been so relentless, Zechs had thought that he would never get in trouble, no matter how vicious he was.

“You think I care if anyone sees?” Zechs pinned him to the locker again and Duo wished he had reached for his backpack when Zechs had been kissing him, because his taser was in his bag, because when Zechs had pinned him, his shirt had shifted and poking out of the back of his jeans was the butt of a gun that Duo could see as clear as day. He didn't know what kind of gun it was, or how many or what kind of bullets were in it, but that didn't matter at all. His mind just screamed at him `gun!' and he didn't dare to so much as flinch, no matter what Zechs wanted out of him. Duo squeezed his eyes closed as Zechs slipped his hand inside his jeans and slid it down, into his boxers, flat against abdomen. He wanted to fight back, to thrash and keep that hand from going any lower, from touching his skin at all, but the image of the gun butt flashed in his mind and he was too scared to move. It was ridiculous, he thought, Chris had failed to kill him, but someone only a few years older than him, this… spoiled brat, was going to off him because he had cut him off? Zechs Merquise could have anyone… or was it simply a matter of pride? Those fingers traveled further down his body and the feeling of them dancing on his skin, dangerously close to his crotch, and tangled in his underwear broke him.

“Don't!” he demanded, grabbing Zechs wrist and forcing him out of his pants.

“Leave him alone!” a blessedly familiar voice rang out in the empty hallway, a voice that made his insides shudder in pleasure and relief and his eyes fly open. The sight of Heero shoving Zechs away from him, protecting him, like he had used to, made Duo want to cry in happiness.

“Heero…” his best friend's name escaped from his lips. He had come back for him… Heero looked at him, forgetting about Zechs just like Duo did the second Heero had shown up. He was looking at him, like all the bad things between them that had cropped up this week had just… vanished, and they were like they had been before. Duo didn't even care, in that moment, about his guilt and shame, he just wanted to touch him…

Then, like a phantom, the image of the gun came back to him, but before Duo could even think of the words to warn Heero, he knew it was too late, almost instinctively.

Duo saw the blood before he heard the gunshot. It blossomed in Heero's blue shirt over his chest like a gruesome flower, spreading outward more and more as Duo stared, unable to register what had just happened. Heero didn't seem to feel the bullet at all. He only looked down at the wound when he saw the shock and horror in Duo's eyes as he looked at it. Then… Heero's beautiful blue eyes slid closed and he fell to the ground. Deep crimson blood spread over the tiled floor and Heero's body shook. Duo saw, out of the corner of his eye, Zechs lower the gun and approach him once more. Tears spilled down his cheeks, uncontrolled and wild. Pure hate filled his heart and he no longer cared what Zechs was holding, he only wanted him to die, now, by his own, bare hands.

“… Monster…” he choked out, so enraged, he could barely get the words out. Zechs raised the gun again, pointing it at Duo's head.

“Don't worry so much,” Zechs sneered without an ounce of remorse, “You'll be joining lover boy soon.”

He pulled the trigger, the deafening sound of the gun filling the hallway once more, the only sound, as no one came to see what was going on.

Under the sound of the gun, Duo could hear the whispery sound of Heero saying his name, over and over, through bloody lips.

 

*****

 

“Duo...” Heero's voice called to him, so softly, Duo had to strain to hear it.

Duo's eyes shot open as the shrill sound of the period ending bell violently shook him from his sleep. He sat up in his seat, his body shaking in shock as he tried to figure out what was going on. His head didn't hurt… why didn't his head hurt? The bell hid the noise of his panting gasp. His classmates moved around him as they rushed to get out of the science classroom and Duo sat there, his chest heaving and his stomach tightening in stress and fear. What was going on?

Duo heard his name again, but this time it was Quatre calling for him. Duo looked over and saw Heero looking at him in frantic worry. The second Heero saw him looking, however, he looked away and left. Duo didn't see how Heero hesitated, not quite leaving the classroom as he watched Quatre go over to Duo's seat. Duo refused to move, even as he felt Quatre's hands on his arm and the blonde kneeled down to look him in the eye. Quatre took in the shaking, and how pale Duo was, with a deep concern.

What was going on? He couldn't get past that… Heero was alive, not shot… he was still in the classroom… there was no bullet hole in his own head… What was going on? His frantic mind scrambled to put these puzzle pieces together. It was lunch time, which meant that the last twenty minutes of his `memories' were a lie. Williams' had never spoken to him, Zechs had never tried to rape him, had never shot Heero… he had fallen asleep in class. That made sense to him. He had been feeling tired and he must have dozed off without even realizing it… but that dream… it hadn't been a dream, had it? It had seemed so real… he could still taste Zechs on his tongue, could still feel the cold metal of the gun as it had pressed against his forehead, could still feel the warmth of Zechs' fingers on his skin… had he been dreaming or hallucinating? It hadn't happened, that was clear to him now, but how could he dream a dream that wasn't a dream? Was it possible to hallucinate something while you were asleep? Was he losing his damn mind? It was plausible… it would be the last blow in his life, the last nail in his coffin, but one he had always been waiting for. Oddly, it was the warmth and comfort of Quatre's hand that kept him from becoming completely undone as he contemplated this new development, and what it meant for him.

The scariest thing of all was… if he hadn't woken up, he would have gone on believing the lie. He hadn't been aware that it was a dream until he had woken up… even when he dreamed, deep down, he knew…

“Duo?” Quatre urged. Duo shook his head, trying to shake the dark sense of being trapped when he knew that he wasn't.

“I'm ok,” he tried to assure the blonde, but he couldn't see his own eyes and with how scared Quatre still looked, he was sure that his expression was frightening him more than his words were relaxing him, “I just fell asleep.”

Quatre frowned and got to his knees, gathering up Duo's backpack for him. If Duo hadn't felt so shaky, he would have protested it. He was freaked out by the tricks his mind was playing on him, but he wasn't an invalid. Not yet, anyway. He got out of his seat and realized that Une was still there, staring at him, though she looked more like a concerned mother than an irritated teacher. He didn't want to think about the fit Williams would have thrown if he had caught Duo sleeping in his class. He felt Quatre's hand on his arm again, giving him the sort of support he desperately wanted from Heero. But Heero wasn't the one next to him, ready to guide him to safety, and at this point in Duo's terror at his own mental state, he was willing to take what he needed from his other friends. Une's heels clicked on the floor as she walked up to him.

“Duo… I think we need to talk,” she said in a soft voice. Duo nodded in resignation. His encounter, or rather, his illusion of an encounter, with Williams was fresh in his mind, and he would rather deal with Une than his History teacher any day. Even if she scolded him for falling asleep, she would never be cruel about it. He looked over at Quatre, who was giving him a look that clearly said, if he didn't want to talk to the teacher, Quatre would back him up.

“Are you sure?” the blonde asked, not really sure what was going on, but not liking the skittish animal look in Duo's violet eyes.

“It's fine,” Duo told him, “Just wait outside for me?”

Une smiled kindly at Quatre, which gave Duo the hope that he wasn't going to get screamed at.

“It'll only be a couple of minutes, then you can have him back, Mr. Winner,” she reassured him. Quatre shot Duo another unsure look, but sighed heavily when he finally realized that Duo wasn't going to ask for his help.

“I'll be outside the door,” he told his longhaired friend. Duo just nodded and watched him leave. Quatre left with a frown as he walked out into the hallway and Heero was nowhere to be found. This was it, he told himself, as soon as he could get Heero alone, he was going to knock some sense into him, even if Heero hit him for it…

Duo's back stiffened as his last support left him, but that stiffness melted out of him as his teacher placed a warm hand on his shoulder.

“Duo, are you alright?” she asked, genuinely concerned.

“I… I'm sorry about falling asleep in class,” he stammered, “I was just so tired… and then I had a weird dream… it was nothing.”

Une, like Quatre, wasn't at all convinced by Duo's words.

“I've noticed that you've been having a hard time in class lately,” she told him, “Are you getting enough sleep at night?”

Duo shrugged noncommittally.

“Enough, I guess. I've just been feeling… sick,” he confessed. Sickness was the closest word he had to describe what was wrong with him. What other word could come close to the fear that his mind could take no more stress, no more darkness, no more nightmares and was probably shattering, or how tired he was all the time, or his pitiful appetite?

“Does this have anything to do with why you and your friends left the field trip so early?” Une asked him.

“Well, I got the flu and Mrs. Yuy decided to pick me up, but since she was there, everyone decided to go home together,” Duo lied smoothly.

“Alright,” Une believed him, “But if you fall asleep in another class again, I'm going to have to talk to Mrs. Yuy about getting you to a doctor. I know you're a dedicated student and wouldn't be falling asleep like this unless you were really, really sick. So you'll tell me if it happens again, won't you?”

“Ok,” Duo agreed, another lie, if he did fall asleep in class again, he still didn't want Name to find out about it. Une patted his shoulder and walked out of the classroom to take her lunch in the staff room. Duo watched her go with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He had lied. Again. Twice. He had thought that all of the lies were over and done with once he had come clean about his past to everyone. But now… they were starting again and he didn't want that to happen. He was lying to Name, too, right, by not telling her about his sleeping problems? Why couldn't he leave his past behind, why did it always seem to catch up to him like this? And the lies had come so easily, like it was his nature. He hadn't even needed to think about it, it had just come bursting out of him, as easily as the truth. It was sickening. He didn't want to be that person again!

Quatre was waiting for him outside the door and beamed at him.

“Everything ok?” he asked as he saw the dark look Duo had on his face. His sunny demeanor and never faltering caring for him made Duo's spirit lift a little and he managed a smile in return.

“Yeah, no problems,” he said, “I…” another lie balanced itself on his tongue, but he refused to let Quatre hear it and swallowed it down, “I've been having trouble sleeping ever since I came back from that trip. Sometimes, I'm tired all the time, but I have nightmares about what happened… so sometimes I can't sleep at all.”

There! He had told the truth and the world hadn't ended. See, he told himself, I don't have to be that person, if I just try harder. But… he still wasn't telling Quatre about the hallucination, so was this really any better than outright lying to him?

“Are you sure you shouldn't see a doctor?” Quatre asked in worry. Duo shook his head.

“Once the memories fade, the nightmares will go away, and I'll be able to sleep better,” Duo theorized. It wasn't really a lie, he just didn't think it was going to happen, either. He had had nightmares before, had had trouble sleeping before, and maybe those things would fade, but this lethargy, and the hallucination wrapped in a dream… those things were new to him and he had no idea if they were going to go away or not. He hoped so. How was he supposed to function if he was scared to sleep, just because he didn't know if what happened when he woke up was reality or just another dream?

“You're probably right. Let's go find Wufei and Trowa so we can have some lunch! Heero's probably already saved us a table,” Quatre said cheerfully. Duo followed him as Quatre shouldered Duo's backpack, feeling a little bit irritated that the blonde hadn't given it back yet. They didn't talk about Heero's absence, what Duo had dreamed about, or how shaky Duo still looked.

“Mr. Maxwell?” a familiar voice, like a ghost in a mist that was quickly clearing, called out to Duo from behind him. He whirled, already knowing who he would see. Those infuriating dull brown eyes were just like the ones from his dream and Duo felt his hair stick up as a chill went through him.

“We need to have a little talk,” Williams began. That chill grew inside of Duo until he was practically bristling with fear and a sickening sense of déjà vu.

“Leave me alone!” he snarled and stormed ahead of Quatre, who was looking at Williams with an expression of great dislike and distrust. It was a ludicrous thought, but that feeling of déjà vu kept Duo thinking that what he had dreamed about could come true. It couldn't, it was ridiculous, it was just a dream… he knew these things, but the thought of being alone with Williams again, whether it had been real or not, it had seemed real to him, was repugnant. He just wanted to be left alone! He didn't want to hear what Williams thought, about anything, even if it was just about his homework, he didn't even want to look at him!

“Now wait a minute,” Williams walked faster, irritated by Duo's instant dismissal and rude behavior, but Quatre blocked his path.

“You heard him,” Quatre said in a brisk tone, “Just leave him alone. Whatever you have to say to him, it can wait until class.”

Quatre had no idea what could have made Duo snap at his teacher like that, but he didn't like it. Williams was rude, a jerk and an asshole, in Quatre's opinion, and he knew that he wasn't the only one who thought so, but Duo had never been rude to the man before. Something had gotten under his friends skin, and he wasn't sure what it was. His curiosity, and his concern for Duo, screamed at him to find out, but Duo was aloof on the best of days, no longer as sure to lie to them, but just as capable of hiding all the things that were close to his heart, to protect himself and them from knowing the truth. So, how could he possibly ask what was wrong when he was sure that Duo would never tell him until things had gotten so bad, he probably couldn't fix things?

Duo kept walking, thoughts buzzing around in his head like irritating mosquitoes that he couldn't never quite catch. Was it possible that… he was still dreaming? Was it possible that this wasn't reality? Was it possible that his dream was the reality and this… wasn't? How could he tell the difference? At both times, he could touch, feel, breathe, and think thoughts that he always thought. Everything seemed the same, seemed real, so how could he tell them apart?

Does it really matter?

Duo stopped walking. It was terrifying, realizing that he had no idea what his brain was doing, that he couldn't even know if he was awake or asleep. But… in this reality, Heero was alive, and that was enough, right, even if he wasn't talking to him? He shook his head at himself, this was reality… it had to be… either that, or he had to accept that he was going completely nuts, which was a truth that he didn't want to admit yet. He had just had a very vivid, very nasty bad dream, right? It probably wouldn't happen again… but if it did… insane people didn't wake up from their nightmares, they lived them, and believed in them as the truth. He didn't want to believe in a world where Heero was dead because of him!

“Duo?” he heard Quatre approach him. Duo's heart raced. How could he figure this out? It felt like everything was unraveling… This was reality, his mind could think of no other. The likelihood that Zechs would actually shoot Heero… he was a bastard, but he wasn't a murderer… it was easy for his mind to paint those events, but they weren't real. He was panicking, Duo quickly realized, he was tired and sick and his mind was playing tricks with him. That was the reason why he was so confused and… falling right now. This certainly wasn't the first time he had witnessed his world falling apart, and it wouldn't be the last, he somehow knew. He just needed space, he needed to breathe and think, then things would make sense. They had to make sense, because if they didn't… there was something wrong with him, something he couldn't possibly fix. He started to walk again, he didn't even know where he was going, but it didn't matter, he just couldn't deal with being near his friends right now. Like so many times in the past, he was running… but his new life wouldn't let him leave it, which suited him just fine. For once, he was running away, but he knew what he was coming back to.

“Duo!” Quatre called to him in a panic, trying to catch up to him. Duo looked back at him and Quatre's heart stopped at the haunted expression he had.

“I just… need some space… ok, Kat?” he murmured. Quatre nodded, breathless at the strange emotions he saw in Duo's eyes.

“I'll see you next class?” he asked, unsure. He didn't like letting Duo out of his sight with that look in his eyes… but what choice did he have? He cursed at himself. Heero and Trowa were so much better at this than he was. Duo was always hiding, and Quatre always felt so incapable of dragging him back out into the light, yet Trowa and Heero were able to do it so easily. He honestly didn't know if letting Duo have his space right now was going to help him or hurt him. But what else could he do? He and Duo were so completely different, it was hard to find common ground. He loved him, like any good friend did, and he liked spending time with him, but when it came to Duo's personal problems, how could he possibly talk to him? How could he understand things, like how it felt to be poor, or be abused, it seemed like the only thing they had in common was loneliness. At least in that respect, he could help him, but he had no idea what this was about. So, he did the only thing he could think of, he gave Duo what he wanted, he backed off.

Duo nodded, giving Quatre the assurance that he needed that he wasn't going to run off again, that, possibly, he was going to be alright. At least he could tell the truth about that. He wasn't going to skip class, and he wasn't going to let his friends worry about him, not anymore. He had done enough damage to his friendships and his guilt wouldn't let him make any more mistakes. He walked off, leaving Quatre looking abandoned, Duo's backpack still slung over his shoulders.

 

*****

 

Though he hadn't meant to, Duo found himself standing in front of the nurse's office door. He stopped for a moment, wondering, not for the first time, what he was doing, and found himself, once again, falling back on old habits. One thing at a time, those instincts told him. The exhaustion was back, or rather, it had never left. Instead of feeling lethargic, Duo was at that strange, scary point of tiredness where his body couldn't figure out if it wanted to collapse into sleep, or be so wired, it could go on forever until it broke down completely. He needed sleep. If he slept, he wouldn't be so tired, and if he was less tired, he could step back from this whole mess and figure out what was going on. Was he so tired, so sick, that he was hallucinating, or was it less physical and more… psychological? If he couldn't even figure that much out, solving the problem would be impossible…

There were too other kids in the waiting room, sitting on the old wooden bench that was an awful like the one in the principal's office, where kids had to wait to hear the verdict on punishments. Duo didn't recognize either of the kids and sat uneasily on the bench next to them, wondering what the hell he was doing here. His hands fidgeted in his lap. He felt uneasy, unhinged, and completely confused. He was caught between being too hyper to sit still and too tired to do anything but try to lie down on the bench and take a nap.

He had to be normal, so his friends wouldn't worry about him. He had to fix himself. Sleeping in class, regardless of the dreams or hallucinations, could not happen. Was it because of the nightmares that he was so tired? But how could he possibly stop them when they happened every time he slept? The door to the office opened and Nurse Po stepped out. The last time he had seen her had been on the day he had returned to school after he had run away and she hadn't changed a bit, still just as tall and pretty with her light blue eyes amidst her Asian features, her honey hair in loose, winding braids that draped over her shoulders. The waiting room was the same too, still just a tiny intersecting room with the hallway on one side and the nurse's office on the other, with the same exact posters and furniture as always. It dragged him back to that time when he had been so terribly hurt, Heero had practically dragged him here in concern. He had loved that concern and he missed it, now that he was back here. If Heero had only still cared for him, would he have run to him right now instead of this place? He had no doubts that he would have. But he couldn't run to him, not anymore, he just had to keep reminding himself that.

Duo was sure that, if he had ever told Heero about what Sally had done, he would have expected Duo to always be bitter towards her, but he wasn't. Maybe, at first, he had been a little bit bitter about her not helping him, but truthfully, he had been used to it, and he understood, more than anyone else ever could, how hard it was to do the right thing when your life and health were being threatened. So, oh so very long ago, the night Wes had taken off the streets under the pretense of food and had taken his virginity from him, he should have run away. Anyone else would have, but the threat of pain and death had allowed to him to just… let things happen. He had staid when he should have fled, because of fear and fear alone. Every time he had watched Wes kill someone or rape someone, he had never gone to the police, had never told a soul. He hadn't even tried to stop Wes, to talk him out of it. So, he understood the fear that had made Sally look the other way.

The truth was, he hadn't deserved to be saved, especially not at the risk of another person's life, so how could he be bitter about it? He wasn't a good person. He, through hope and foolishness, had let himself be tricked by a man that had never seemed trustworthy in the first place. He had let Heero save him, and now Heero was in danger, the same danger that Sally had been in. It would have been better for Heero if they had never met, but Duo's selfishness and need made it impossible for him to wish that that had happened. The night that Heero had found him again, he had had the chance to kill Chris, and he hadn't. That was his fault, if he had just had the guts to go through with it… what had happened in Boston never would have happened. But, Heero still would have been in danger from Wes, but Chris would be dead… But… if it came down to it, could he really be a murderer? He was a lot of things, a whore, a coward, a thief… but, could he really kill Chris and Wes? Could he make the decision to… end someone's life? He… he didn't think he could. That was good, right? He didn't want to be a murderer…

Sally saw him sitting there and her eyes widened in surprise.

“Duo?” she said almost excitedly, her voice tinged with alarm. Duo realized that he hadn't been in great shape the last time he had come here, either times, and she was probably assuming the worst, “Why don't you come in?”

“These two were here before me,” he protested, but the woman shook her head.

“It's fine,” she waved off his concerns, “I wanted to know how you were feeling anyway.”

Duo blushed a little as he followed her inside, the other two boys glaring at him as they were forced to wait even longer. The office was just like he remembered it, too, a few beds and cabinets, plus curtains for privacy on all the beds. Those beds, while not the most comfortable things, sure looked inviting now. It felt like he could barely keep his eyes open. But… sleep was the problem, wasn't it? He didn't want to have another hallucination or nightmare, but his lack of sleep was an even bigger problem right now.

“So, what's the problem?” Sally asked him as she closed the door behind her.

“Nothing like before,” he assured her with a slight wince. He hoped to never be in a condition like that again, and didn't expect to with Name's care for his health, “I was just wondering if I could lie down for awhile.”

There it was again, not quite a lie, but hiding the truth. It would be an easy thing to just tell her about falling asleep in class and having vivid nightmares, but he wouldn't tell her. He hadn't even told Quatre or Trowa, but the near lie still tasted bad in his mouth.

Sally frowned at Duo. It was school policy that any student who showed up at the nurse's office had to have something wrong with them, or they would be sent back to class, in order to stop students from faking and getting sent home early. Duo did look tired, almost swaying on his feet, but he certainly didn't have a fever… but this was the boy she had let down so badly… Sally had heard the rumors about what had happened to Duo and she couldn't help but feel a terrible wave of guilt at knowing that she had allowed those things to happen by not going to the police, but she had been so scared.

“Alright, you can stay here as long as you want until you feel better,” Sally smiled gesturing to the beds. Duo smiled back.

“Thanks,” he said, going over to a bed in the far corner that would give him a little bit more privacy. Sleep… that was all he needed, never mind that it seemed like that was all he was doing lately and it didn't seem to be helping him at all. But… as long as he could, somehow keep from falling asleep in class, everything would be fine, and what he needed was a little time away from people, right? Otherwise… well, he didn't really have a plan beyond this.

 

*****

 

It was absolutely sweltering out, though it was still early in the morning, and it was only May. This summer was going to be brutal, Duo could feel it in his bones, like any native of the town could. When you lived in a place for long enough, you just knew things about it. Like when a storm was coming, or when the summers or winters were going to be especially long. As Duo struggled down the sidewalk with two six packs of beer balanced in his little, nine-year-old hands with a gallon of milk perched precariously on top, his white t-shirt and khaki shorts stuck to his skin in the intense humidity. It didn't help matters that Wes had no air conditioning. Chris said that it was the humidity that was unbearable and not the heat, but Duo had no idea what the difference was. All he knew was that, as Chris loved to say, it was `hotter than fuck'. It was hard to walk carrying the heavy things in his thin arms wearing his sandals, he much preferred his sneakers as his sandals had a habit of falling off of his small feet, but it was just too hot for the heavier shoes. He had almost dropped the milk a few blocks back when his right sandal had flown off his foot and had almost disappeared down a gutter. Dropping the milk would have been alright, but if he dropped even one glass bottle of beer, his ass would have paid for it. Literally.

Duo hated the heat, always had, always would, and he hated being around Wes in the heat, because he was always cranky and took that out on him. He had actually been kind of glad that the blonde man had sent him out on this chore, though it wasn't something that he usually did, but as long as it got him out of Wes' way. Duo wasn't stupid, he knew that Wes had gotten him out of the house for a reason, and it hadn't been for beer, though that could have been a good enough reason. For the man to be secretive, it meant that he was playing one of his twisted games, something that made Duo shiver. He hated those games. The trip to the store had been kind of nice, though. The man at the liquor store knew Wes, which meant that he `knew' Duo, so there hadn't been any fuss when Duo had gone to get the beer. He had even liked standing in the glow of the refrigerator as he tried to pick out the right brand. It was cold back there and he had been shivering in minutes, so the chill had lasted a little while even when he left the store.

Duo hated beer as much as he hated the heat. It smelled nasty, made people act weird, and it tasted nasty, too. Wes had tried to get him drunk once, saying that he wanted to fuck when he was out of his mind, to see how it was, and he had hated the taste of it. He hadn't gotten drunk, either, he had just thrown up and that had ended that experiment. He hated the experiments, they were like the games and ended the same way, with him ashamed and hating himself and wishing he had the courage to do something so stupid that Wes was forced to shoot him.

On his way back to the apartment, Duo saw that some kids had gotten a hose hooked up and were running through a sprinkler that was spraying the water all over place. It looked like fun, especially to a kid that had never seen a swimming pool in his entire life, but mostly, it made him worry about spilling the beer as his sandals slipped on the watery pavement. Trying to get the apartment door open was the hardest part. It was hard enough to do it without both of his hands full since he had to stand on his tippy toes just to reach the door handle.

Duo jumped as he felt something furry brush against his legs just as he had managed to get the door open and was attempting to push it open enough to dash inside. The milk shifted in his grip and nearly fell again. He glared at the black cat that was twined around his legs.

“Midnight!” he scolded the mother cat. She looked up at him with yellow eyes and meowed at him with an innocent look that said “what did I do?” Duo rolled his eyes at her and, very carefully so he didn't trip over the cat, he managed to get inside the apartment without dropping anything. The door closed with a bang behind him and he didn't worry about Midnight trying to get inside the apartment. She knew better than that. More like she was scared about the human space, or rather, the humans that lived inside it. Or maybe it was the nearly constant stench of blood and sex that Duo thought anyone could smell if they dared to go inside.

Duo slipped his sandals off and was putting the beer in the fridge when he heard a strange sound come from Wes' bedroom. It sounded like a hitched breath, or some other sharp, high-pitched sound that rose and fell quickly. Or, it sounded like someone trying to scream, but couldn't, Duo realized. He immediately regretted his decision to let the heavy door bang like that. Now Wes knew that he was home and there was no way for him to sneak back out and wait for the source of the noise to leave or stop or something. In living with Wes, Duo had learned that it was the mystery of things that was the most terrifying. Sure, there were things that were just as scary when you figured out what they were, but other things weren't so bad as what your imagination made them. He suddenly wanted to know what that sound was. He was sure it was part of the game. Wes had sent him out and now that he knew he was home, he had planned some terrible trick for him. Or, he was doing something `business' related and didn't want Duo getting in his way. Either way, he had to know what was going on, both because he was curious and because of his own safety.

Tip toeing down the hall to Wes' room was easy when he was barefoot. Sneaking was one of those few things that he had remained good at, even though it had been a long time since he had needed to sneak or pickpocket or any of the other skills he had needed to survive on the streets. Now, he had a whole new set of survival skills, mainly doing what he was told and staying the hell out of Wes' way. Wes' door was open just a crack, enough for him to peek and see what was going on. There were no windows in Wes' room, but there was a lamp and the light spilling into the room was enough for him to see.

Chris and Wes were on Wes' bed, but there was someone else in there as well. A little girl. With the two larger men blocking his view, all he could see were her bare legs, and above her neck. She had pretty, short, curly blonde hair and eyes the color of olives, not exactly a pretty color, especially not with the wide look of shock she had on. Her legs were bloody and Duo knew, from first hand experience what had happened. His arms shook in repulsion and memory. A small voice in his head screamed at him to run in there and save her, but he stayed frozen in place. Her eyes met his, but they were completely hollow and flat. It was like being looked at by a doll. Duo shivered. There was nothing left to her…

Duo heard Chris sigh heavily.

“She's a dud,” the tall man said in irritation, “She's no good like this. She doesn't even look like she's still alive! We'll have to look for another blonde…”

“Give me the knife then,” Wes snapped at him in frustration. Chris obediently handed him a knife. Duo watched its gleaming surface as Wes suddenly slit the girl's throat, the blood gushing over the covers and dripping down onto the floor.

Duo gasped in shock, taking a step back from the door. They had just… killed her… because she was… he didn't even know… He fled, as fast as he could, to his room. He didn't close the door. It wouldn't do him any good. There were no locks.

They had to have heard him. How could they not have heard him? Would they kill him, too? And yet, the thought of his death didn't really bother him, not like how that image of the girl… and the knife… did. Why hadn't Wes killed him after he had raped him like he had that girl? Because he had been… what? More useful, a better fuck, prettier… what was it? Bile rose in his throat. He should have done something, he should have saved her. It was his fault she was dead… he could have stopped it… there had to have been a way…

Duo scrambled up on his bed, wrapping his arms around his knees. They had to go look for another one, he could stop them… but he wouldn't. He was too much of a coward. In that instant, realizing that he wouldn't do anything if they brought another little girl home, he hated himself more than ever. Minutes passed with him shivering on his bed and an eerie silence had fallen in the apartment. He heard movement in the kitchen, but the sound was so quiet, it was indiscernible. He didn't move as he suddenly heard Wes' very familiar stride walking towards his room. He had nowhere to run anyway. If he had been serious about running, he would have gone for the door. He might have made it, too. But he hadn't. The rule not to run away had been beaten into him too many times for him to have any spirit for it anymore. This was his cage, it always would be, up until the day he died… his very own foreseeable tomb.

Wes walked through the door, a cold, glass, unopened bottle of beer in one hand and a little tube of lubricant in the other. A chill went down Duo's spine, like it always did when he could predict sex. He bit his lip hard, his survival instincts hadn't quite died over the years and they were conflicted between running and staying, like he had been trained and beaten to do. Wes had a little smirk on his face as he approached Duo on the bed, placing the beer on the bedside table, and sitting next to Duo. Duo shook a little as Wes' large hands unbuttoned his shorts, sliding them down, off his hips, and unzipped his own pants enough that he could bring his cock, hard and wet, out of them. As Wes shifted to get on the bed and loom over the boy, Duo saw a still wet patch of blood on his shirt and realized he could smell it, too.

“You know, we got real lucky with you,” Wes said as he busied himself with spreading lube over three of his fingers, “What you just saw with that girl… we weren't so lucky with her.”

Duo fought the urge to close his eyes as Wes spread his legs and slipped two well-lubed fingers inside of him. Closing your eyes on Wes was a bad thing, he had learned that lesson many times over.

“She was too weak for this line of work,” Wes went on to explain as he stretched Duo with his fingers until he seemed satisfied, “You are different. You're stronger. Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? She was useless to us.”

Duo shook his head, his breath hitching a little as he felt Wes' cock nudge at his entrance, pushing into him. He didn't think he would get used to this if he lived for a hundred years.

`But you didn't have to kill her!' Duo's mind screamed what he didn't have the guts to say out loud.

“I don't understand,” he said and he didn't. Why was he stronger than that girl? He didn't feel stronger at all. He gritted his teeth as Wes' impressive length thrust inside of his body, all the way to his balls. The man let out a low, appreciative groan.

“Chris can say what he wants,” Wes groaned as he slid his cock in and out of Duo's tight ass, the boy underneath him making small sounds of pain at the feeling of piercing thickness, though there was no blood this time, “This is so much better than pussy.”

Duo hated this more than the beatings, more than anything, the feeling of a man's weight bearing down on him, the repetitive thrusting, even the feel of Wes' hands on his hips as he mated with him. He felt so hot inside of him, each movement hurting his back and he just wanted to scream, but knew better. He should be used to this by now, right? So why couldn't he…

Duo winced as Wes grunted and he felt thick, hot sperm erupt inside of him. Wes' member slipped out of him and the semen dripped out onto the sheets. Duo finally allowed his eyes to slip closed, his chest heaving in exertion, his muscles aching from having Wes on top of him for so long. He felt the grey-eyed man's fingers trace over his cheek, almost affectionately.

“Now do you understand why you're better than that girl, how frustrating it is to try to find others like you?” he heard Wes ask. He shook his head.

“I don't…” he said adamantly. He certainly didn't feel strong or better right now with Wes' cum on his skin and his back aching and the feeling of shame piercing his heart. Wes made an annoyed sound, which made Duo open his eyes in fear that he was about to be hit. Instead, he saw Wes holding the red scarves he often used to tie him up with. He had no idea where they had come from. Maybe they had been in Wes' pocket, or maybe he had pulled them out of thin air, Duo couldn't tell. He moved back, away from the man in confusion as he grabbed his leg.

“Don't squirm,” Wes barked. Duo's body immediately obeyed, staying still. He let the man tie each of his wrists to each ankle, which not only made it impossible for him to move, but also prompted him to keep his legs spread wide. He hated this position, it was so embarrassing.

“If you don't understand,” Wes chided as he grabbed the beer bottle, still icy cold and covered in condensation, making it slippery, “Then I'll just have to show you.”

Duo watched with wide eyes as Wes dripped some more lube in his hand and covered the bottom end of the bottle with it.

“W-wait,” he protested. The bottle wasn't huge, but it was a bit bigger than Wes' penis, and it looked cold…

“Quiet,” Wes ordered, even though he knew there was nothing the boy could do with the way he was tied up, “Relax. If you can take all of this, and I know you can, I'll untie you and let you go get a milk shake, it's damn hot enough for it. If you don't, then I'll slit your throat like I did that little bitch's.”

Duo whimpered as he felt Wes place the fat end of the bottle against his loose hole and start to push it in. His thighs trembled as he felt the icy glass spread his insides wide and it slipped in, inch by inch.

“Please…” he cried out, “Too cold…”

The glass was slick, but freezing to the touch. It felt like he was being pierced by a huge chunk of ice. It didn't hurt, but it felt overwhelming and uncomfortable. His toes curled as the bottle slid even further inside of him, though he was sure that there was no way all of it would go it, it was too big and the coldness was doing something weird to his insides. He couldn't even describe it, it just made him shake and want to throw up.

“Ssh,” Wes cooed, “See, it's almost entirely inside of you.”

Duo shook his head in denial, fighting against the urge to push the bottle out of him, but was too scared, not wanting to find out what else Wes would do if he didn't do this. Tears poured down his cheeks and he sobbed at the violating feeling that seemed almost worse than being raped by the real thing. Then, the sliding sensation stopped and Wes let go of the bottle, Duo's tight anal muscles holding it in place as he cupped the boy's cheek.

“There, that wasn't so bad, now was it?” Wes teased. Duo shook his head again, his messy hair falling in front of eyes.

“Please, take it out,” he begged, his butt throbbing, not quite in pain, but something else that was even more unpleasant. He felt so cold, inside and out… but it had nothing to do with the bottle.

“Duo…”

 

 

“Duo… Duo, wake up…”

 

Duo opened his eyes and, not for the first time today, was surprised by what he saw. Instead of cold grey eyes glaring down at him like he had expected, there were soft browns so dark, they were nearly black.

“ `Fei,” he murmured sleepily. Wufei sighed in relief.

“I kept calling your name, but you wouldn't wake up,” he told him, “I would have let you sleep, but… you were crying in your sleep.”

Duo quickly realized that he was telling the truth by the feel of wetness on his cheeks. He sat up in the bed and hastily wiped the tears off his skin. The nurse's office… he had had another nightmare. He certainly couldn't count this one as a hallucination since he knew for a fact that he had fallen asleep, and what he had dreamed was just another one of his memories turned nightmare. Did that mean he wouldn't have another dream like he had had in Science class? Somehow he doubted that.

“What time is it?” he asked in confusion. He shouldn't have had the time to dream. Lunch was only thirty minutes, but he felt like he had been dreaming for awhile. He wasn't sure how long the human brain needed to slip into the part of sleep that allowed for dreams, but it certainly didn't feel like he had only been sleeping for a half an hour. Wufei looked sheepish at the question.

“Well, when you didn't show up at lunch, Quatre had us looking for you. I figured, if you weren't feeling well, you'd go here, but you looked like you really needed to sleep, so I didn't want to disturb you, but then you started to cry… We're supposed to be at Gym right now, but I texted Quatre and he told the teacher, so you're excused,” he assured him. Duo groaned. Quatre was going to kill him! He was usually good about waking himself up on time, but he had slept right through lunch and one of his classes.

Duo's eyes widened as Wufei's fingers brushed over his bangs, a look of deep concern on the black haired boy's face. The move and expression were so much like Heero that it threw him off guard.

“Duo… what's going on?” Wufei asked. Duo looked down at his lap. Someone, probably Sally, had put a blanket over him. That display of care made him blush.

“I fell asleep in class today,” Duo admitted to him, “I was fine this morning, but as soon as I got to school… I've been so tired lately, on and off, and that block, it just got to me, I guess. But that's not even the worst part! I had this… dream. I'm not even sure if I can call it that. It seemed so real, I thought it was real. But then… I woke up. I'm not even sure if you can have hallucinations when you're sleeping, but that's what it felt like. And I've been having these constant, terrible nightmares ever since that stupid field trip. I just… I don't even know what's wrong anymore.”

Duo had no idea why he was confessing these things to Wufei, maybe it was the memory of his guilt over that little girl's death and his shame of being so… weak and helpless, or maybe it was just because he was scared, but he found that the words came easily now, as though Wufei was the right person to talk to. Trowa and Quatre were so worried and would probably send him to a hospital if they found this stuff out, and Heero wasn't even talking to him, but Wufei was his friend, but also distant enough from this that, if he asked him not to tell, Duo was sure he wouldn't. That, and Duo knew that Wufei still felt guilty about the way he had treated him in the hospital. Maybe it was manipulative to know that and use that as a reason to tell Wufei the truth, but he felt like he could trust him not to tell.

Wufei gave him a perceptive stare.

“Duo… that's some really heavy stuff,” he took a deep breath, “Look, my mom's a doctor, and she used to want to be a psychologist, so I've learned a few things about it… the nightmares, your constant sleeping, and the dream you had in Science class… those could be signs of post traumatic stress disorder. I mean… you've gone through so much, and what happened in Boston was so terrible… it sounds like it could be a very serious psychological problem.”

Duo felt the first gleams of hope at Wufei actually having some knowledge on this subject, even if it was wrong, at least it was something.

“So there's something I can do? I can fix this?” he asked, unable to keep the hope out of his voice. Wufei sighed.

“I have no idea. I know about the logistics and symptoms of the disorder, but that's all I know. You should see a therapist. Or, it could be something else. There are some illnesses that deal with the symptoms you've described, too, though PTSD seems a lot more likely…” Wufei tried to explain. Duo's hopes deflated at that. He had really wanted some sort of definitive answer for what was wrong with him, but Wufei was just as clueless as he was. It was depressing, but it was also kind of nice to know that he wasn't alone in his confusion.

“What should I do?” he asked the empty room. Wufei put a hand over his, his heart aching at the depressed look on Duo's face in a way that was entirely inappropriate to feel towards a friend.

“I don't know,” he confessed, “But whatever you should do, you shouldn't be doing it alone.”

Duo mulled that over. He knew that Wufei was right. He was being foolish, trying to hide things again. The more he hid, the more he kept people in the dark, the more often the people he loved got hurt.

“I'll tell them,” he decided, “Quatre, Trowa, Name… Heero, if he'll listen. I don't want to try to figure this out on my own.”

Wufei smiled, feeling humbled by Duo's strength. If it had been him… he wouldn't have even wanted to look at the problem, he would have tried to ignore it, pretend that things were alright, that he was strong. Duo, at least, tried to be honest to his problems, especially now that he had people who cared about solving those problems.

“Come on, Quatre's worried about you,” Wufei prompted. Duo tossed the blanket off of him and got to his feet.

“Well, he shouldn't be. He's holding my book bag hostage,” Duo grumbled, suddenly remembering that he was without his books and, well, everything. He waved to Sally as the left the office. Even though he had decided to tell his family about the nightmares, he couldn't help but feel scared about what they would say.

 

 

End part 13

 

Oh, did I forget to mention that this part is really, really weird? Well, it is. Hopefully it's not too confusing to anyone. I tried to write it in a way that I wouldn't lose anyone. I think it's coherent, but then again, I'm the author, so I shouldn't have an opinion on the subject. It's the reason why I refuse to edit my own work. It's also the reason why my friend is hesitant to become an editor, she doesn't want to deal with authors like me that can't compromise.