Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ Surgery Part 14 ( Chapter 21 )

The Road to Kindness

Chapter 7

 

Author's Notes: Well, Chapter 7 is drawing closer to its ending, which is excellent for me. I have no doubts that Chapter 7 will end up being around 500 pages, which is something I have no desire to top again. I have mentioned this before, but I now have a lovely beta, Cheyenne, who deserves a metal for dealing with me. ^_^

 

Those who have been with me for more than a year know that I am a repeat Nanowrimer, but this year I'm going to be working on a Gundam Wing fic for my submission, so there will still be posts in November. Those that like this fic might be interested to know that it will be a side-fic to The Road to Kindness, a sort of prequel, though some events run side by side things that will be happening later in The Road to Kindness (those parts will not be posted until TRTK gets there, since I don't believe in spoilers). The fic is to be called `Poisoned Memories' and is a look into the pasts and present of certain original characters. The list of characters so far are: Name, Wes, Alex, Aluxiel, Yuki, Amaaya, Shi, Solo (technically not an original character, but his back story, even in canon is very mysterious), and Hi. If there is a character, OC or not, that you want to be put into this story, just tell me and I'll see if I can do it. Yes, it will be just as dark and complicated as the Road to Kindness (especially Shi and Wes' bits, be afraid of those chapters).

 

Also, come October, there will definitely be some new fics up (almost all horror-related, for the season). Especially keep an eye out for `Nightmares of You', which is along the same vein of `Beyond the Looking Glass' in that it is a Gundam Wing version of a popular horror game, this time Silent Hill (specifically inspired by Silent Hill 2, so those of you who know the game will already understand what that will be like).

 

As always, I want to thank everyone who has read, reviewed, or pm'd me, and especially my beta.

 

 

Part 14

 

 

Something was wrong. Heero had woken an hour with that feeling in his gut. The hairs on his neck were standing on end and he just knew that something wasn't right. In a way, he was glad for the intrusion into his sleep. He hated sleep now. Sleep meant nightmares, which meant that he had relive that painful day in his dreams over and over and over… that day when he had been forced to watch his best friend, the boy that he secretly loved, be raped, while he just sat there, unable to do more than scream. Sleep had quickly become the enemy. But then… so had everything else. He could tell himself that he was doing the right thing by staying away from Duo, which was what the longhaired boy wanted, right? That was why he flinched whenever he was near him. Duo blamed him for what had happened, for breaking his promises, for not being able to protect him and Heero didn't blame him for thinking those things, because he knew that they were the truth. The big, bad Heero Yuy, who had always thought so much about himself, couldn't even protect his best friend from being raped. How pathetic was that. But… he could tell himself those things, that what he was doing was right and good, but when he yearned to be with Duo, more than he ever had before, it was so hard to listen. He wanted to do the right thing, whatever that was; to make Duo smile like he had before, but it wasn't working. Staying away from him wasn't working. Duo wasn't happy.

That hurt, knowing that Duo wasn't happy. He wanted him to be, he certainly deserved it. And it was killing Heero inside, the distance between them. They had been so close, but they both had thrown the brakes on their friendship and now Heero didn't even know what the right thing to do anymore was. He was suffering, Duo was suffering, and suddenly, all those promises that had been broken wouldn't leave him alone. If they were broken… did that mean that they were dead? But if that were true, then why did he find himself wanting to keep them? He just wanted to be with Duo… but Duo hated him, and Heero hated himself… and there was no way around those things, was there? He just wanted Duo better. He wanted to protect him, but how could he possibly do that when Duo didn't want him around anymore?

Heero heard a sharp noise coming through the wall that separated his and Duo's bedrooms and knew what was wrong. Earlier today, when they had come home from school, Duo had confided in all of them about his nightmares as Heero had stood in the background, listening intently. He had even told them about how tired he had been lately, and falling asleep in Science class. Heero had known that something was wrong today. He might be keeping a distance from Duo, to keep himself from hurting, and to listen to Duo's wishes, but he never ignored him. He watched him, constantly, studied him. He felt like… if he couldn't be a part of Duo's life anymore, at least he could observe it. So he had seen, before anyone else had, how tired Duo was, how he seemed to drag himself around lately. And this morning, he had watched as Duo had fallen asleep in class. Given how serious Duo was about school, it was alarming to watch him just doze off like that, and then how he had woken up…

Duo had refused to give the specifics of his dreams, but Heero knew that they were bad enough to disturb the other boy. He knew that feeling. Some nights, he didn't want to sleep at all and he knew that Duo's dreams plagued him, even before that trip to Boston. Heero heard another strange noise come from the direction of Duo's room and his body tensed as he lay on his back in bed. He was probably having some sort of terrible nightmare right now, and here he was, just lying here, listening and doing nothing. Just like before. Heero shuddered at the memory and the terrible feeling of helplessness. Duo didn't want his help… so what else was there to do but lie here, in the dark, and listen as he was probably in some sort of deep, emotional distress…

Heero kicked the covers off of him and rolled out of bed. He couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't just… lie here and listen when Duo was probably crying! He needed… someone. He needed the warmth of another person. No… he needed Duo's warmth. If he couldn't have his love, he needed his friendship. Even if Duo hated him… he needed that sort of comfort. He was sure that they both did. At least… at least he wanted Duo to not cry in his sleep anymore. This wasn't the first night he had to listen to those sounds.

Heero opened the door to Duo's room and stepped inside. The orb on his desk cast the room in a pleasant glow, aided by the window that had no shades drawn, the lamplight from outside spilling into the room, the glass of the window streaked with water as it rained outside. Duo was in his bed, his body curled up into a tight little ball, his form shaking. In the low light of the room, Heero could see the tears running down his face as he dreamed. As he approached the bed, Heero's heart beat wildly out of control. Duo's braid was draped over his shoulder and curled, like Duo was, on the bed by his chest, but it looked messy, like Duo had been moving around in his sleep. His breathing as he slept hitched, almost like he was sobbing, and the closer that Heero got the bed, the more he could see how tense Duo's muscles were.

It was the sound and sight of Duo's tears that made Heero sit on the edge of the bed, tentatively, as though he were trying to approach a wild animal. Duo was going to throw him out on his ass, he was sure of that, but if he could just touch him, feel his warm, alive skin, maybe wake him up from whatever terrible dream was making him cry like that… it would be worth it, he was sure of it. Heero reached out his hand and placed his fingertips on Duo's cheek, letting them brush the chestnut hair away from the closed eyes. Heero's heart seemed to lurch at the feel of the silken skin under his fingers. It really was warm, though damp in some places because of his tears.

Heero was scared to move, to even breathe, but, in his sleep, Duo didn't flinch away from him. Instead, he seemed to gravitate towards Heero's own warmth. A deep sense of wonder filled Heero, making him feel bolder. He moved his hand to Duo's thin shoulder, feeling the form of his arm through the t-shirt he wore as a pajama top. It made his heart skip. Was this the only way he could see Duo anymore, to be with him? Stolen moments in the middle of a nightmare? It made him want to cry.

Suddenly, Duo's features grimaced and new tears flowed down his face. He made a small, wordless whimper that tore at Heero's heart.

“Ssh,” Heero tried to soothe, slipping into bed with his best friend and wrapping his arms around him, no longer caring that Duo hated him and blamed him, he was solely concerned with stopping Duo's tears, “It's ok, I'm not going to let anything happen-,” the old promise froze on his tongue. Things felt like old times, that affection, the promises… but it wasn't the same, it couldn't ever be the same… but it felt that way, like, if he just closed his eyes and forgot, nothing had changed.

Duo whimpered again and suddenly threw his arms around Heero, pushing his body against his. Heero froze, waiting for Duo to push him out of the bed, but it never happened. Duo just hung on to him as he cried. He stroked the shorter boy's back, trying to still his shaking.

“It's ok,” he said again, “Duo, it's ok…”

“H… r'o?” Duo murmured, half asleep. Heero looked down in alarm to see the American looking up at him with half-open violet eyes that were tinged red from crying, “Wha..?”

Heero blushed darkly. He felt completely unbalanced by this whole thing. There was a little voice in his head demanding to know what the hell he was doing in Duo's room, in his bed, in his arms, but… he found that he didn't care. He was holding Duo in his arms. That was what mattered… that touch, that wonderful touch… and Duo's eyes… they weren't full of hate, they were confused, but… happy. His eyes were filled with happiness, like Duo was looking at a long lost friend, and Heero didn't care if Duo was too sleepy to understand what was happening. He was happy.

“Go back to sleep, ok?” Heero urged. Duo nodded, his eyes closing easily. Heero felt as his heart started to pound painfully as Duo snuggled against his chest. Heero tightened his grip on his friend, unable to stop his heart from racing. He just couldn't believe he was this close to Duo again.

`It won't last,' a cruel voice in his head jeered. Heero ignored it. He knew it wouldn't last, but he didn't care, in this moment… he was so happy, he felt like crying. He closed his eyes, feeling Duo's soft, relaxed heart against his own. He didn't want morning to come… but he knew, even as he drifted off, like all terrible, inevitable things, it would, and pain and misery would come with it, but for as long as the sky was dark, he would revel in this moment.

 

*****

 

Duo awoke with the feeling that something was different. Not necessarily wrong, but something had definitely changed. Lately, all he did was wake up in the throes of a nightmare, but now he roused out of a sound sleep, so deep that, for once, he didn't feel tired at all. Then, he had woken feeling warm, and the reason was obvious. He felt the odd sensation of skin against his own and instantly wondered how it could be that he wasn't panicking. The smell of the other person was familiar and he awoke with a slightly drugged feeling that screamed `contentment' at him.

Duo opened his eyes, and all his questions were answered with one glance. Heero Yuy was in his bed. Not just in his bed, but the blue-eyed boy had his arms around him, sheltering him. He was still half-asleep, but he remembered, in a memory that lacked so much solidity, it was like a ghost, Heero getting into bed with him after he had had a terrible, gruesome nightmare he had no wish to recall. If Heero hadn't been there, in that moment, Duo would have assumed this memory was just a fragment of a dream, but the proof was wrapped around him in a way that was so pleasant, if he was a religious person, he would have called it sinful. His body shuddered with delight at the feeling of their skin pressed up against each other. He wanted to reach out to him, he wanted…

Duo put an abrupt halt to those thoughts. What he wanted… could never happen, not even in his dreams, and truthfully, he had never dreamed of those things, only the monsters, only the dark. He didn't want Heero to leave. Wasn't the lack of nightmares the proof of that? Once Heero had come, he hadn't dreamed. But this couldn't happen! How had it happened in the first place? As mad as Heero was at him, he couldn't have imagined Heero trying to comfort him. He thought that had to have woken Heero up, and he must have annoyed him enough…

No! His heart screamed that at him, there was no way that caring Heero had showed him last night had been because Heero wanted him to shut up. He had cared… he still cared? Tears prickled at Duo's eyes. Heero hated him… but he still cared enough to soothe the bad things away. That shouldn't be… but it made a strong spark of happiness flitter through his heart. This couldn't happen. He had distanced himself from Heero for a reason, a reason that had little to do with Heero's hate, though that was a small part of it.

His past was hunting him. Not just him, but everyone that he loved. He couldn't let anyone get hurt because of him. He had to push Heero away. He never should have gotten so close to him to begin with. Because he had… Heero had almost died. And if he flinched because he was terrified of making Heero dirty, of showing him the sort of nasty person he was, deep down inside, that was only natural. He just didn't want to be responsible for losing what he had struggled to get, his family. If he had to look at Heero from afar in order to keep him in his life, he would suffer through it. Somehow… he would live with it, even if it killed his heart to do so.

`If that's true,' a demeaning voice asked inside his head, `Then why just Heero? Why not push them all away?'

`Because,' Duo answered himself, without even being aware that he was doing it, `Heero was the one that was hurt, the one Chris threatened. Because… above all else… I can't lose Heero, no matter what.'

This moment… it was so wonderful, being tucked so safely in Heero's arms. He felt safe, even with Heero's contempt. He didn't want to leave, but in order to keep Heero safe, he couldn't let him be close to him. He had to keep pushing him away.

`But… Heero's unhappy, too,' that voice rang out stubbornly.

But… Heero was alive, right, and wasn't that more important than being happy? But, even if that was true… no, it couldn't be true. He had lived with unhappiness, and every second in that darkness, he had wished for his death. Life without happiness… what was the point? But he didn't know that Heero was unhappy, he just acted like it. Yet… Heero had comforted him. Did that mean he was forgiven?

No, he couldn't think like that! If he started to think that way… he would just put Heero in harm's way again. If Heero hated him, it would be so much easier, but was it possible that he was wrong? Could he possibly be mistaken, and Heero had never hated him and he was just hurting him over and over and over again? Who was he to decide that Heero's life was more important than his happiness? He didn't own him, and if Heero decided that being friends was more important than being safe… No, he didn't want to consider that! He was doing the right thing, wasn't he? He was keeping Heero safe. So why, why did he have so many doubts? Why did he feel like he was tearing out his own heart?

“Hey.”

Duo looked up into Heero's very awake, deep blue eyes as the other boy looked down at him with an odd expression that Duo couldn't really put a name to. He wanted to call it affectionate, but he hesitated to use the word.

“Heero…” he murmured, his tongue feeling thick in his mouth as he struggled over his words, “You… you need to leave.”

Heero's eyes widened in surprise for a second, and then his face took a flat, expressionless quality that Duo instantly hated.

“Alright,” he said, and that was all. He got up without another word, but to Duo's shock, instead of just leaving, Heero pulled the covers back over Duo, his hand lingering as it brushed over Duo's shoulder, like he didn't want to leave. Then, he was gone, closing the door behind him. A few tears fell from Duo's eyes and he was immensely glad Heero had left before they had fallen. He didn't know if that was because he didn't want to show that sort of weakness, have to explain why he was crying, or just… he was too afraid what Heero would do, if he would leave him crying, without a concern, or he would comfort him, beg the truth out of him. He didn't know which would be worse. Duo closed his eyes, telling himself it was for the best… but no matter how many times he recited to himself all the reasons why he was pushing Heero away, he still hated himself. He didn't fall back to sleep.

He didn't care how tired he was in the future. He didn't care if he had to chug energy drinks and foul tasting coffee until his heart was hammering in his chest, he wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't have his nightmares, even if it meant only sleeping three hours a night. He wouldn't give Heero a reason to worry about him, or bother him with his nightmares. This resolve hadn't worked out for him that well in the past few days, but he had to try it again; he had to make everyone aware that he wasn't having nightmares, even if it meant that he had to force himself not to sleep. It was another lie, another evasion, but one that he couldn't help, one that he needed, or else he would have to admit to himself that what he was trying to do was too painful, and too pointless.

The cell phone on his bedside table vibrated and Duo fought the urge to throw it into the bathroom for the night out of frustration. He knew who was calling him without having to look at the display; it was the same reason why he had put his phone on vibrate, so he wouldn't wake anyone, since he had no intention of answering the phone. The last time he had used his cell phone was when he had thought to call Amaaya, but had been unable to face her, even long distance, and had hung up before she could answer. However, he knew that his name had appeared on her cell phone, and now she knew that he had called him and had wanted to talk to her, and, like so many of his friends, Amaaya was stubborn. She kept calling him. This was the fourth time since last night. He wanted to talk to her, just like he had back then, but… he still felt too ashamed, too… inferior, compared to her, to actually muster up the guts to talk to her about his fears and worries. Or maybe he was just a coward and was distancing himself from his old friends, just like he was with Heero, because he didn't want to get hurt anymore, because he didn't want to hurt them anymore.

If Solo were here to see him now, he would have smacked him over the head and Shi would have thrown him over his shoulder, like he had loved to do when Duo was a kid, which had made the blonde's impressive height seem all the more formidable, and refuse to let him down unless he did whatever he wanted him to do, usually confess to something or apologize for scaring them. But neither of them was here. He wished that they were. It had been so long since he had talked to them, they probably thought he had died. But here he was living in this wonderful house with these wonderful people, and while he would never accuse his old friends of something as selfish as hating him for it, he couldn't shake that fear that they would. But Solo had been his best friend for so long and he had gotten used to telling him all of his dark secrets, but now he wasn't around anymore and Duo missed him painfully. He didn't know how to go on without his support, his love, his friendship. He could do it now because he had his new friends, and because he was lying to himself that, one day, when he was ready, he would see Solo again, but what if that day never came? What if he was too much of a coward to ever try to reach out for that old safety net?

There was a part of him that thought that might be a good thing, completely barricading himself from his past, but mostly, he hated himself for it. He just wanted to see Solo again… but then again, he wanted so many things that, he had been denying himself dreams for so very long, he didn't dare to reach for.

 

*****

 

The one moment of bliss, having Duo in his arms as the two of them slept in the same bed, disappeared all too quickly. Heero held on to it like someone with a precious treasure all through the weekend, but once Monday had come once again, that bliss quickly disappeared. It started Monday morning with the return of his nightmares, the constant replay of Duo's rape and his near death, and had completely vanished once the four friends had piled into Heero's car to drive to school.

Duo was silent again, shying away from him and not making eye contact. It seemed more… conscious to Duo now, like their moment together that morning had made things worse instead of better. It frustrated Heero, made him feel that sort of anger again, the kind of anger that had made him do stupid things in the past, like beat up classmates and steal alcohol from his mother when she was out of town. It was the sort of anger that he couldn't quite explain, but he felt it, like a deep earthquake, in his heart. He was hurting. He had been hurting since Boston, but now… now it was deep rooted. He had reached out for Duo, finally, by being willing to stay in bed with him, to comfort him, and to be comforted, and Duo, yet again, had pushed him away. And yet, he didn't blame Duo for it. He even understood why Duo had done it, but this only left him with no one to blame but himself.

He was to blame, he knew that, but he didn't want to accept it. That just made the anger worse. He wanted to hit something, wanted to hurt something like the way he was hurting. He wanted someone, who had done something wrong, like himself, like Chris, to suffer. He could feel the old waves of fury and self-righteousness returning to him like an old, lost friend. He wanted to fight with someone. It would be so easy… like falling back to an addictive habit. The high of accomplishment and victory wouldn't last, he knew as well as any addict did, but for the moments that it did, for once, he would be happy. The only thing that would make those feelings go away, the one thing that would give him the permanent high of happiness that he desperately craved, was to hear Duo's heartbeat against his again, to see him smile at him at again. But that wasn't going to happen again. It shouldn't have, really, in the first place, because Duo hadn't wanted it to. In that moment, yes, Duo had accepted him, but later, Duo had come to his senses again.

Heero had fought against this decision to fight someone again and again, ever since returning to Maine. He had decided that fighting would not be the solution to his pent up rage, but now… now, the feeling of contentment was fresh in his mind. He kept remembering how Duo had felt… and how furious knowing that Duo had been… attacked, and his attacker had gotten away with it, made him feel. He needed release… he needed… he needed to feel something besides anger, just for a little while… but he couldn't do it in front of Duo. He would never put the other boy through that, seeing a friend being… violent. Duo had lived through so much violence and he never wanted the longhaired boy to see him that way.

The problem with this plan was that Heero had never been a shark. He had never been the type of person who would seek out the weakest and attack them. He was more like one of those spiders he had heard Duo talking about. They burrowed holes in the ground and put little trap doors over them. They waited and waited until something walked over their traps, then pounced. Heero didn't go looking; he simply waited for someone else to make the first move.

Because of the fact that he and Duo only had one class apart, it was pure luck when a kid, his height and probably his age, bumped into him. Though his anger flared at the contact, he didn't do anything. He was starved for some way to feel good about himself again, but he wasn't going to turn into a bully, someone who'd go after anyone who got in their way. He had standards, messed up standards, but he still had them. The bump didn't even take him off of his feet and he kept walking forward.

          “Watch where you're going, faggot,” he suddenly heard the other boy hiss under his breath. Heero instantly knew that the boy hadn't meant for him to hear it, but in the nearly empty hallway, Heero heard him clearly. He quickly forgot about why he was so anxious to find someone to fight with, he simply snapped.

          Heero had just been a kid when he had heard the first use of `fag' and had no idea what it had meant. He had gone to Trowa who, in Heero's mind, had a wellspring of knowledge about dirty words, things that he couldn't go to his mother or Quatre about, and sure enough, Trowa had told him that `fag' was just slang for `cigarette', but faggot really meant something that burns, so when someone calls someone else a fag, it meant that they were gay and should be burned at the stake. Heero was too old now to be so shocked by a `bad word', but hearing that particular one still pissed him off. He had learned it before he, or his friends, had ever considered their sexuality, yet, even as a child, he had considered it ugly and nasty.

          Before Heero even really registered what he was doing, he grabbed the kid by the arm, pulling him back so he could pin him to the lockers. He realized that he had miscalculated, the kid wasn't his own height, he was a couple of inches shorter than him and clearly had had no intention of fighting anyone. He stared up at Heero with terrified hazel eyes.

          “Y-Yuy?!” he squeaked in shock. It was interesting, Heero thought, that he could actually see what the boy was thinking, that he was remembering the time that he had sent that boy to the hospital for threatening Duo. The kid probably thought that he was going to do the same to him, and maybe he would. After all, weren't thoughts of violence and prejudice just as bad as actions? More than that, he wanted to hurt the kid for calling him a fag. Because Heero remembered all those people that had called Quatre and Trowa the same thing, and the other things, those same people had done and said about them, because he knew that being called a fag meant so much more than you were just a homosexual.

          “I heard what you called me,” Heero growled, his hand already curled up into a fist.

          “No!” the boy protested, his eyes focused on Heero's fist, “You've got it all wrong, I didn't say anything!”

          “Say you're sorry,” Heero demanded.

          “I'm sorry!” the boy instantly spat out, as though it pained him to do so, but did it anyway. Heero smirked. This is what he had wanted out of Chris. He had wanted the man to see his impending pain and understand how terrible it was to be scared, how wrong he was… he wanted him to be terrified, like this boy was. And he wanted to wipe that terrified look off his face, just with his own fists. He wanted justice, even if it was a lie…

 

*****

 

          Heero's bloody fists hit the plush surface over and over again, making a satisfying `fwack' sound that reverberated through the empty weight room, sending the punching bag flying this way and that with the force of his blows. The blood, his blood, was streaked on the cloth surface of the bag, giving the illusion that he was actually hitting something living, but it lacked the warmth and sensation of a living thing, taking away any true satisfaction about hitting it. The skin on his knuckles was split open and bleeding with each forceful hit he gave the punching bag, but he didn't stop. It felt kind of good, the pain, like he was punishing himself and tiring himself out at the same time, so he didn't even have to think about the anger that wasn't relinquishing him, even as he beat up the bag. He thought that that was the reason why he hadn't wrapped his hands like he was supposed to, but it didn't really matter. He had been going at it for an hour and didn't even care that he had missed his last class and it was almost time to go home.

          He could hit the bag forever, he realized, until his hands were nothing more than bruised, bloody lumps of abused flesh and he probably wouldn't even care about the pain, because what he felt in his heart was so much worse. He was a coward, and he hated himself for it. He was too afraid to tell Duo how he felt, too afraid to try to get close to him, he was even too afraid to try to find Chris. He was just… scared, and he shouldn't be. Even if Duo hated him, he needed him, too. That night that they had spent in bed together, trying to keep nightmares away, had showed him that. Duo needed his friendship just as much as he always had, but Heero didn't know how to handle him pushing him away all the time. Should he listen to Duo's wishes or his needs? Perhaps this was better… it was easier pretending that his love for Duo didn't exist with this distance between them, but he still loved him, so it hurt, all the time. He just wanted that closeness back… he wanted to play games with Duo again.

          In the empty, large room, even over his own thundering heart and panting, Heero heard someone come in, but he kept attacking the bag.

          “Heero.”

          His bloody hands fell to his sides and he suddenly felt the fight leave him, in a way that made him feel hollow, not happy for its absence, and he faced Wufei, who was looking at him in concern and confusion that Heero couldn't place.

          “People are talking about you,” Wufei informed him, “About what you did to that kid.”

          Heero snorted.

          “I'm sure they are,” he muttered.

          “Why?” Wufei asked, “You actually wanted to hurt him? What for?”

          Heero glared at him.

          “Maybe he deserved it. Maybe… someone needs to pay for what happened, and maybe I'm sick of it being Duo!” he snapped. Wufei approached him carefully, like he was stalking a wounded tiger.

          “If you really feel that way,” Wufei said sadly, “If you're really willing to do something so stupid as to get expelled just for a moment of self-righteous satisfaction, why didn't you hit him?”

          Heero felt his blood, eerily warm, drip down his hands, the muscles in his arms aching as he stared at his friend. He chuckled, but it was only noise, the sound lacking any human feeling, though Wufei thought it sounded tinged with bitterness.

          “You know, when we first met, I instantly hated you,” Heero told him. Wufei smirked back at him.

          “I hated you, too, as a rival I knew I could never beat,” he said.

          “The way you threw yourself at Duo, I knew he would never choose you,” Heero said softly, “but I was still scared that you were going to take him away from me. You're attractive, smart, confident, and closer to his level than I could ever hope to be. So I hated you for it… and now we're friends…” Heero hesitated, “When that boy called me a fag, I had thought nothing would stop me from kicking his ass. I could have smashed his face in… but when I looked at him, and how scared he was of me, I felt sick inside. I kept hearing Duo's voice telling me how much he hated people who resorted to violence just to get their way. And I kept remembering how much I wanted his approval. I think… I think my days of fighting are over. As long as I remember Duo, and remember all the things he makes me feel, I can't be that angry person ever again. I'm still angry, but…” Heero looked down at his bloody hands, “This is all I can do. I can't hurt someone without remembering all of those things Duo had told me, all those terrible ways Wes had hurt him and how that had made him feel… So, all I can do is hurt myself in his place. Chris and I were responsible, so I'll have to punish myself instead.”

          Wufei stared at him with wide, dark eyes.

          “You really do love him,” he breathed in awe. Heero's blue eyes had this incredible depth to them whenever he mentioned Duo; it took his breath away to watch him. Did he look like that when he was with Fai?

          “But, if you love him, then why are you acting like he has the plague?” Wufei demanded, “You talk about him like he's something precious, like you want to protect him. So why are you punishing him by acting like he's a complete stranger? If it were me, after what had just happened to him, I wouldn't be able to let him out of my sight!” Wufei shuddered, imagining Fai in Duo's place. He quickly dispelled the image, not liking how sick it made him feel.

          Heero glared at him.

          “You're not me,” he snarled, “And don't you ever forget that! I'm not punishing Duo, I could never punish him! He was the victim here! I have to distance myself from him, it's necessary.”

          “Necessary to whom?!” Wufei snapped back, “You're miserable, he's miserable, we're all miserable watching you two be miserable! Just who the hell is benefiting from all of this, because I sure as hell don't know them! Why should anyone be punished besides that man?! Do you think that taking his place is going to make Duo better, are you that delusional?!”

          “It's because of me that Duo was able to get kidnapped by Chris in the first place!” Heero yelled, though he felt another spark of doubt because he knew Wufei was right, through all of his attempts to make things better for Duo, they were both unhappy, “I underestimated the danger and I allowed us to be separated from you guys. I let down my guard; I couldn't even try to protect him! I was supposed to be the strong one, the one he could always look up to, but I failed him. I lost his trust and his respect; I deserve to be punished just as much as Chris does. Duo hates me for not being able to keep my promises. Even if doing this doesn't make him better, it's what needs to happen!”

          Wufei shook his head, overwhelmed by the hole Heero and Duo had dug for themselves.

          “God, you're both idiots,” he muttered, “The two of you deserve each other.”

          The final bell of the day rang out, echoing in the large gym, cutting off whatever comeback Heero could have come up with. Wufei sighed heavily.

          “Come on, you need to have your hands looked at,” he said, almost in a truce. Heero narrowed his eyes at him, but shrugged, grabbing his things as they left the gym. Did they really deserve each other? No, Wufei was wrong on that one. Duo deserved a lot better than him… right?

 

*****

 

          Duo awoke suddenly, a gasp stuck in his throat, images of blood and gore and death still dancing in his eyes even as they stared up at his ceiling. The things he smelled clashed and swirled in a confusing jumble that made absolutely no sense to his mind. Semen, sweat, blood, dust, Chinese food, all the old smells of Wes's apartment combined with the smells of his new home, the clean wood, the musky scents of his cats, the light, airiness of the flowers Name had put on his bedside table. They had had London broil for dinner, but he could taste the all too familiar thickness of semen, no matter how many times he swallowed.

          `Another nightmare,' he told himself, `just another nightmare,' but he rolled out of bed anyway and made his way down to the kitchen as quietly as he could. Fuck, but he was pathetic.

          He knew that the smells and tastes weren't there, he knew that. Hadn't Trowa told him that this was normal, for his brain to replay trauma over and over like a vivid, broken record? So, he logically knew these sensations weren't real, yet that logical knowledge seemed like a lie when he felt like Wes had just fucked him, minutes ago, even if it had just been a dream. He wished that he could just believe that it was just a dream. And yet… he just wanted to get that taste out of his mouth.

          Shiva followed on his heels as Duo snuck into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. Juice would work even better to get the bitter, salty taste off his tongue, but it was too late at night to put that into his stomach. He grabbed a water glass from the cabinet and, once his fingers cooled around the cool glass, he opened his eyes and found himself in his room.

          Duo blinked in the dim light, looking at his door, which was open just a crack, completely confused and incapable of getting his bearings. One second, he had been in the kitchen… something was wrong. He shook his head frantically as though that would clear it. What was happening? A deep sense of déjà vu settled over him. This was just like when he had fallen asleep in class. He felt that same kind of off, confused clarity, like his mind knew something was impossible, but couldn't figure out what it was.

          It felt like barely a second had passed since he had gone downstairs, but that was impossible, so he had to have only dreamed that he had gone downstairs for a drink. And yet… that seemed so unlikely, not just because of the realism, but because it was weird that he would dream that he had woken up from a nightmare, and usually his nightmares, even the odd vivid one that had been like this, were much more pronounced and theatrical, and this one was so… boring. Why would he just dream about walking downstairs, that didn't make any sense to him! He was sure that his twisted mind could easily come up with something to terrorize him with, so why a drink of water?

          It took him a mere second to realize that there was something else wrong. He wasn't laying on his bed, which was where he would expect himself to be after a dream, even a weird one like this. He was sitting on the hard floor, his back to the bed. He winced at the sudden ache he felt in his back and realized that he had been sitting there for awhile. Had he fallen off the bed again? But if he had, he was sure he would have woken himself up, no matter how tired he was. Besides, only his back hurt, so why was he on the floor. Despite his confusion and the slight fear he couldn't quite shake, Duo smiled slightly when he felt something soft hit his cheek and curl slightly around his neck. He looked up to see Sammy staring at him from the bed with his tail brushing against Duo's skin again. He stroked the spotted tail that had a black tip as dark as Shiva's own fur. Sammy mewed at him, putting a black footed paw on his head.

          “Yeah, I'm coming back up, hold on a sec',” he murmured. As he tried to stand up, his hand slipped under his bed and hit something solid and wet that rolled slightly at the impact. Puzzled, Duo lifted up his covers and looked under his bed. There, lying on its side was a water glass, a few droplets of water still clinging to the glass. So, he had gone downstairs for a drink, but he didn't remember pouring the water, coming back upstairs, or drinking it. But the proof was right there, where else could the glass have come from? He knew for a fact that, when Name cleaned every Saturday, she vacuumed under the beds, so she would have found it if it had been a long time ago. Actually, it would have only taken him a couple of minutes to come back upstairs and drink it, though that didn't quite explain why he was sitting on the floor and not his bed; but it was plausible that it was just his short term memory failing him again. It wouldn't be the first time he lost a few minutes. Realistically, that was more comforting than vivid dreaming because he was used to it. It still disturbed him a little that he was constantly missing minutes out of his life, but the longest he had ever… zoned out for was seven minutes, which wasn't very long at all.

          Duo put the glass on the bedside table and sat on the edge of the bed. Sammy pounced onto his lap and curled up like he had always done as a kitten, his long tail hitting Duo's leg as it curled and uncurled in a repetitive motion. Duo dared a look at his clock, just to confirm his theory and froze in shock. In the time he had left his room to get the glass of water and up to now, two whole hours had passed him by. His fingers dug into his covers and he fought the urge to take the little digital clock into his hands and shake it, to see if it was broken. Two hours… how was that even remotely possible? He couldn't label that as his short term memory loss. He hadn't even come close to losing a half an hour! But two hours? This wasn't the vivid dreaming, either, what had happened, had actually happened, he just couldn't recall what had occurred in between. This was something else. It had to be.

Thinking about all the things he could have done in two hours, it seemed like a lifetime. He could have done something mundane like setting all the clocks in the house back an hour, or even just sat here on the floor doing nothing, or, for all he knew, he could have done something really terrible. For all he knew… he could have killed everyone in their sleep. That wasn't very likely, even sleepwalking or in a trance, or whatever state he had been in, he didn't think that he was capable of murder, and even if he was, he wasn't exactly strong like Heero and Trowa were, he doubted he would survive that without a scratch.

Duo shook his head. He didn't want to think about the possibility of… of what he was thinking about. It would never happen, not even if he was sleepwalking. But, the thought that he was missing two whole hours was terrifying. He knew the clock wasn't lying. The water glass was warm, as though it had been in his hand for awhile. What was going on? Had he moved from vivid dreaming to full out sleepwalking? He remembered what Wufei had told him, about the possibility of him having post traumatic stress disorder, and sleepwalking would probably fit with that, but what if he was simply losing time? That seemed more likely since he had been awake from moment to moment, he had no conscious realization of falling asleep in the moments he was missing.

Duo ran a finger down the water glass and, sighing, he fell back into bed, lifting Sammy off his legs and back onto his pillow. Sleepwalking was ok, because didn't people who sleepwalked just do banal things? But, missing two hours was a huge problem. What if it happened in school or during work? What if he zoned out when he was stocking glass and ended up hurting himself or a customer? He needed to tell Name, he realized. But what could he possibly tell her, that he had zoned out during the night? He didn't even know if it would happen again, though she would probably want to get him a brain scan or something, and it would worry her and his friends half to death.

“Nothing happened,” Duo murmured out loud. Sammy's ears perked up and the cat peered at him in the darkness, listening to him. It wasn't like school, Duo realized. Falling asleep in class was a huge problem, but absolutely nothing had happened now, so he shouldn't worry about it until something bad happened, right? He closed his eyes. He would worry about it in the morning, and if it happened again, he would tell Name, but for now, he had given her enough to worry about.

 

*****

 

Quatre remembered promising himself that he would get Heero alone, as soon as he could, and talk to him about what was going on between him and Duo, but it was a lot harder than he had thought it would be. He couldn't do it at school, which just left home, but getting Heero alone was impossible between the time Quatre was spending with Trowa and Duo and the fact that Heero had started to lock his door, probably because he didn't want to talk to anyone. But, if Quatre had one trait, it was, when it came to his friends anyway, he could be as stubborn as an attack dog that had gotten its jaws around something. His decision to have a little talk with Heero had only strengthened after Duo had told all of them the extent of his sleeping problems.

Wufei had confided in him that he believed Duo was suffering from prolonged post traumatic stress disorder from his childhood and what had happened in Boston had made him worse. Quatre was sure that this was true, the way Duo flinched from people, wore baggy clothes to hide his body, the detailed nightmares he normally had, and all the panic attacks he had when he was in certain situations attested to the diagnosis, and he was sure his recent problems were a part of that, but Quatre wasn't convinced that it was the sole reason why Duo was having such a hard time with his nightmares. His excessive sleeping and tiredness could be a sign of major depression, or Duo could just be getting sick, but the nightmares were something else.

Duo and Heero could ignore the fact that they were being overly shy with each other and being plagued by guilt, but their psyches couldn't. Quatre was sure that, once the two of them resolved their issues, Duo's nightmares would stop assaulting him so much. He needed his best friend back and Quatre was willing to go to any depths in order to give him back.

He finally got his chance on Saturday, quite by chance. He really didn't want anyone around when he talked to Heero. He figured that, the less people involved, the more likely Heero would be honest with him. Quatre knew that Heero wouldn't say a damn thing to him if Duo or Name was around and he had been friends with Heero longer than Trowa had, so he felt that he had the best chance to get through to the stubborn boy. He had always had a huge respect towards Heero. He had been raised to respect people in a higher class than himself and Heero was the one of the few people that fit that category, so his respect, initially, had come simply because of Heero's family, but once he had befriended him, he had realized how bright and kind Heero could be. But now… after Heero had left Duo alone when he had had that nightmare in class… it was hard to respect him. He still did respect Heero and he understood his reasons, but he refused to let this go on without having a few choice words with Heero himself.

Both Name and Duo had gone to work this morning and both would be gone until around seven, leaving Trowa, Quatre, and Heero in the house. Quatre had thought about taking a chance in talking to Heero with Trowa on his heels, but then they heard a high pitched screeching coming from Duo's room. He and Trowa had been sitting on their bed, talking about a movie that they wanted to take Duo to see next weekend and Trowa shot out of the room at the noise in what seemed like less than a second. Quatre followed him out, down to Duo's room, and saw Trowa approaching Shei, who was in an awkward heap on the floor, crying, Shiva nudging at her in concern. Trowa picked her up gently, sighing in worry.

“Duo told me this might happen. She's been getting bolder lately. She must have fallen off the bed,” Trowa murmured, checking over Shei's bad leg, which was getting a little bit better as she was getting older and exercising it more.

“Is she ok?” Quatre asked frantically, “I don't see any blood, but she's… screeching…”

“She's just scared,” Trowa assured his lover, “It doesn't look like she hurt her leg too badly, but I need to get her to the vet. Even if she's fine, I don't want to leave it up to chance and Duo would throw a fit if I didn't.”

“Take Heero's car,” Quatre told him, “I'll hold down the fort here.”

Trowa smirked at him, cradling the kitten to his chest, whose cries were starting to lessen.

“I'm sure you will, miele,” he chuckled, “Just don't scream at Heero too much, ok?”

Quatre had the grace to blush. He hadn't told Trowa about his plans to get Heero alone, but he supposed he was being a little bit obvious. He watched his lover go down the steps, then returned to their own room, keeping the door open. He waited, fighting the impulse to tap his foot in impatience. He only had to wait fifteen minutes before he heard Heero open his bedroom door and walk downstairs. He hadn't checked to see if Heero's door had been locked; though, realistically, he could have just broken the lock or broken down the door in order to speak to him, but the training his father had put him through as a child came back to him. In hostile negotiations, his father had always preached about being on `neutral' ground. Talking in Heero's room wouldn't be neutral for Quatre and barging in on Heero wouldn't be neutral for Heero, so he had waited for Heero to make the first move. Now, the next one was his.

Quatre went down to the kitchen where Heero was making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. He watched the Japanese boy as he spread the peanut butter on the bread with a large knife and slowly approached.

“Heero, we need to talk,” he said. Heero didn't say anything back to him, but Quatre noticed how straight and stiff his back suddenly became.

“It's about you and Duo,” he ventured cautiously.

“There is nothing concerning `him and me',” Heero snapped, “You and Wufei should understand that. Even if there was something going on between us, it would be none of your damn business.”

“I'm your friend, so is Duo, and so is Wufei! Don't you think we would be worried to see that you and Duo are acting so differently towards each other? Duo needs you, even if he can't admit that, or even understand it himself, but he does need you, and with the two of you driving each other away… can't you both see how unhealthy that is? If you'd just tell us what's going on, we can help the both of you-,” Quatre pleaded. He nearly jumped up in shock when Heero suddenly stabbed the knife into the chopping block with such force that three inches of the blade stuck into the wood and, when Heero let go of the handle, the knife staid upright.

“There is nothing wrong!” he growled as he turned to glare at Quatre, “Duo will get over what happened without me, he'll be better off that way!”

Quatre stared at him, feeling anger boil up inside of him.

“You… you ass! What makes you think that Duo will get better?! Are you so selfish that you can't even see that he's suffering by not having you as his friend anymore?! We've been friends since we were kids and I can read you like a book! I miss the Heero I've known since then, but Duo misses you even more! Why do you think that he's better off without you, when he's show time and time again up until now that you're the one he needs to help him with his problems? Do you care about him or not, because right now, it looks like you don't even give a shit that your best friend is miserable!”

Heero's hands gripped the counter hard enough that, if it were wood, Quatre was sure that the wood would have splintered.

“You don't get it,” he murmured.

“Then explain it to me!” Quatre insisted. Heero rubbed at his eyes. He couldn't blame either Wufei or Quatre for being this insistent, if it had been happening with any of his other friends, he would have wanted to know, too, but didn't they get that this… thing couldn't be fixed?

“What happened in Boston,” he murmured, “it was all my fault.”

“No, it wasn't,” Quatre said with a shake of his head, “It couldn't possibly be your fault, Heero, you hadn't wanted for this to happen! If you had been able to, you would have protected Duo!”

“Yes, it is!” Heero snapped, “I promised him, over and over and over, that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him ever again, I would keep the monsters away, forever! I failed him… I let that man hurt him by not being able to keep my promises and protect him! When I had realized that you had left us… I should have gone back to find you and Trowa and Wufei. Duo had told me that Wes was capable of murder, but I was so arrogant, I had thought I could protect Duo all on my own! Because of me… because I wasn't strong enough, he got hurt… and now he hates me. I don't deserve to be his friend! It's better for him if he isn't near me, if he is… I'll just let him down again…”

Quatre made an irritated noise deep in his throat.

“That's bullshit, Heero!” he yelled. Heero looked away from him and Quatre strode up to him, grabbing his friends chin and forcing him to look him in the eye.

“We all made that promise. Trowa and Name and I… we had all promised Duo that we would make sure he was safe. We all failed him, not just you. We all knew the dangers, but we split up. If we had all remembered… if we hadn't been so cocky, I wouldn't have left you two alone, Trowa would have forced us to stay by him instead of going off on our own. It was our faults', but we aren't blaming each other, because all of the blame should be on Chris' shoulders, not ours. Duo doesn't blame any of us! I know it may seem like he does, but is Duo really the sort of person to blame you for something you couldn't have stopped? Does that sound like Duo to you?! In the end, no matter what we did, even if we locked Duo in a safe room for the rest of his life, he will always be in danger, because he's a human being. We couldn't save him because he can't be sheltered from the world. He doesn't want to be sheltered. He just… wants to be normal, and everything that happened… it was normal. Not the kidnapping, but going to Boston, wanting to be with his friends… really, going off just the two of you, if it had been anyone else, we wouldn't have thought it was a risk. But because it was Duo, because we had had previous knowledge of the threat, we thought we were to blame. We thought we could protect him… but things are different now, we get it. Our eyes are finally open to just how much of a monster Wes is, and the people he associates with, and we're not going to let our guard's down again. Right now… right now, we shouldn't be blaming each other or ourselves, we should be focusing on what Duo needs in order to feel safe and healthy again. He certainly doesn't need you blaming yourself, Heero! What he really needs is friendship. You say that he blames you, but maybe he's just too scared to ask you for your friendship. You almost died, too, Heero! Did you ever think that maybe he blames himself for that?” Quatre took a deep breath, feeling the anger deflate, leaving him feeling a little depressed over this whole thing, “Even if you feel ashamed about what happened, about not being able to protect him, he doesn't feel safe anymore, not because he was attacked, but because you aren't there to protect him anymore. Isn't his safety more important than your pride?”

Heero was completely silent, unable to find a single thing to say back to Quatre. Was he really being selfish by acting on his feelings of shame? And… was it possible that… Duo felt responsible for all this and that was why he was pushing him away? Just the thought gave him a headache. No, that couldn't be possible, and yet… Duo had always blamed himself for everything, even being raped. But he couldn't believe that! He couldn't believe that they were both suffering for the same reason! He had to believe that what he was doing by staying away from Duo was the right thing! Quatre and Wufei had to be wrong… for both of their sakes, this had to be the right thing to do. He was to blame, wasn't he?

 

*****

 

Duo hated volleyball. He had broken his wrist so many times that, whenever he hit the damn ball, his entire hand, a portion of his arm, ached. He was fast, and a good jumper since he had strong, long legs, but he was woefully short, so most of the volleys went over his head. If he was by the net, he couldn't spike the ball at all, but if he missed, the people in back of him could spike it. If he was in back, he could hit spikes that the people up front missed, but more often than not, it went over his head. So, it seemed like either way, he was terrible at it and often got glared at. After every serve, the positions rotated, too, so he felt completely useless no matter where he was.

They always played volleyball in early Spring, but this year wasn't so bad to Duo because Quatre was on his team. It was nice not being the only short person. What was even better was that, in her infinite wisdom, Mrs. Schbeiker had put Heero, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Duo all on the same team, so Duo wasn't glared at if he missed. Trowa would just smirk at him and say that, when it was time to do archery and track, Duo would probably kick all of their asses. It was something that Duo was a little proud of. When it came to sports like basketball, football, and anything else that you had to be tall and strong to do well, he was always terrible, but now that he had his glasses, his aim was perfect and he had always been the best in his class at archery, which he thought was more fun than football anyway, and he was also the fastest runner, which Trowa was aware of. It was one of those skills he had needed on the streets in order to survive. Being able to run from the cops or pissed off marks was much more useful than being able to shoot a ball into a hoop.

Quatre and Wufei were actually having a harder time at volleyball than him because they had never played it before, but with Trowa's height and agility, and Heero's powerful, often scary looking spikes, they were doing quite well. It only got bad when Quatre and Duo were up front against Zechs' team, as the boy loved to hit it high, or spike it towards Wufei when he was in the middle, which irritated all of them. Duo wished that Heero and Trowa could just stay up front, it would easier on all of them since the two athletic boys caught most of the serves.

Duo was getting frustrated with himself. Every sport or activity that they did in class was turned into a competition as each team had to compete against each other until only one team was left. He thought it was stupid, they were only in high school and it wasn't like they won anything… still, it miffed him that Zechs was taking blatant advantage of their shortcomings. It wasn't that he was winning, it was that he was taking such glee in winning that annoyed him. Still… he was happy. Sometimes, in a particular rotation, he and Heero would wind up next to each other with the two of them in the front row. It was so strange, but he and Heero made a really good team. Heero caught the high volleys easily and Duo, who was more flexible, managed to get the low spikes. Knowing how in sync their playing was… it made him happy. He shouldn't be, he realized, but really, this was the only time he could be next to Heero without feeling guilty, because he didn't really have a choice, so he soaked up those happy feelings while he could.

Duo had thought that, sooner or later, he would have gotten used to their strained relationship, but it just wasn't happening. He had to force the reasons why he wasn't talking to Heero to come to him now, as though he didn't even believe in himself anymore. It was the opposite, now, his mind readily coming up with excuses why begging for forgiveness and trying to force their friendship back to normal was a good idea. He had to stay away because he felt guilty and he was putting Heero in danger, but staying away from Heero didn't absolve him of that guilt, and it surely didn't make Heero safer. Wasn't Heero safer with him now, because Duo knew how Wes operated and he could sense something was wrong? Shouldn't he be asking for Heero to punish him, instead of avoiding him, to make Heero feel better? Because he knew that Heero was unhappy, though he wasn't entirely sure why. But in the end… he was just a coward.

Quatre and Duo were upfront again with Trowa in back of Quatre, Heero in back of Duo and Wufei in the middle, a veritable recipe for disaster if Zechs, who was on Duo's side on the other side of the net, decided to spike just a little too high so Duo couldn't hit it, or volley low enough that Wufei would miss it. Sure enough, Heero saw the familiar set up that Zechs did and knew he was planning to nail the ball over Duo's head. If Duo missed it, which he probably would, Heero couldn't hit it or he would end up hitting Duo in the head with the ball. So, he followed his instincts and did the only thing he could think of.

Duo choked out a gasp as he felt Heero grab him by the waist from behind him and literally threw him up in the air. If anyone else had done it, Duo would have freaked out by the action and would have fallen awkwardly, but it was Heero, and no matter what was going on between them, he trusted him with… well… anything. Instead of flailing in the air, Duo did exactly what Heero had trusted him to do, he spiked the ball as hard as he could, feeling a burst of triumph as Zechs, like the rest of his team, was so shocked by the move, didn't move to hit it back, and he landed gracefully on his feet in a near crouch. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei stared at them in shock, but Duo was too busy feeling proud at their odd little play and he punched the air.

“Yes!” he crowed. He suddenly, for the first time in his life, felt kind of happy about his height. Sure, if he had been a few inches taller, Heero wouldn't have had to throw him in the air, but because of his height and weight, Heero had been able to do it with almost no effort, he had touched him again, and, for a second, he had felt like he had flown. That, and the added bonus of shocking the hell out of Zechs and scoring a win for their team. He didn't notice Heero watching him with a small, satisfied smile.

“Heero Yuy!” Hilde screeched at them, running over to see if Duo was ok, “We do not throw people into the air!”

Heero was too busy feeling happy at Duo's honest, exuberant smile to care that he might be in trouble.

“But I'm ok,” Duo assured her. Hilde groaned.

“Shocker there,” she grumbled. It had seemed like Duo got injured every day before Yuy had come along, so it was nice to see him in one piece and she wanted to make sure he staid that way.

“That didn't count!” Zechs suddenly snapped, glaring at Duo and Heero. Hilde covered her face with her hands in frustration.

“I'm quite sure that there is no rule in volleyball history stating that… that move is illegal. They did get it over the net in less than two hits, so… their team wins this game,” she said with a sigh. Hilde looked around as the rest of the class gathered around them, highly amused about what had just happened.

“Alright, we'll finish this tournament up next class. Everyone, get cleaned up and ready for your next class,” she barked. Trowa clapped Duo on the shoulder.

“Good job,” he said. Duo grinned at him.

“Weren't you scared?” Quatre asked as the five of them walked into the men's locker room. Duo shook his head.

“No, not really. I was a little surprised, but Heero was the one who threw me, and I knew that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me,” he said. Quatre and Trowa gave each other a look. Wufei peered back at Heero who, as was typical recently, was lagging behind them. The Japanese boy looked absolutely shocked at Duo's words, a deep blush on his cheeks.

`He trusts me?' he thought over and over, unable to wrap his mind around that single concept. That doubt, over his actions, and his guilt, hit him again and he couldn't stop staring as Duo rushed into one of the changing rooms, his braid swinging over his backside. He couldn't deny it… Duo trusted him not to hurt him, he wouldn't have handled being tossed like that so well and calmly if he didn't trust him… did that mean that Duo had trusted him back then and had never blamed him? But then why did Duo flinch from every time and look like he doubted him? Was he just reading him wrong? He had no idea what to think anymore.

Heero made sure that he was the first one out of the locker room and stood outside the door, waiting for Duo to come out. He suddenly felt the very strong urge to talk to him. He needed to know what the meaning was behind Duo's trust in him, if he really did trust him with his life, or if he was just soothing Quatre's fears. He needed to know if he could fix things, that he was wrong. For the first time since he had suspected Duo was being abused, he hoped that he was wrong.

Duo was the next one out of the locker room dressed back in his dark gray t-shirt and jeans, book bag slung over his shoulder. Heero thought that he looked beautiful and couldn't wait until Summer came around, so he could see those long, pretty legs in a pair of shorts. Maybe he could even talk Duo into going swimming with him in their pool. He knew how body shy Duo was, but since their pool was in the back yard, no one would see him if he wanted and he couldn't help but remember that night in Boston when the two of them had gone swimming together…

“Duo…” he murmured, instantly getting Duo's attention, though he looked shocked that Heero was even speaking to him, his deep eyes wide in surprise. Heero opened his mouth to speak.

`Do you really blame yourself? Are you really unhappy without me? Do you… do you really trust me that much? Can't we just go back to the way things had been before? I miss you…'

All the things Heero wanted to say to Duo, to know, to understand, but his voice caught in his throat. He was so scared to learn the answers, to learn that Duo really did hate him. He would rather hope when things were at their worst than know for sure…

“Duo Maxwell?”

Duo turned towards the gym door, searching for the origin of the voice. A woman wearing a blue, two piece suit, not nearly as expensive as the ones that Name wore, but still neat-looking, stood at the door, looking at Duo with an expectant expression. Duo examined her features, she looked very familiar to him, but he knew that he didn't know her, so why was she looking at him as though she had known him for quite some time? None of it really mattered to him, for the first time in over a week, Heero was talking to him. Duo turned back to Heero, but the other boy had vanished. Duo felt something sad and bitter settle in his stomach, but instead of indulging it, he pushed it down, to deal with later, and looked back at the woman.

“C-can I help you?” he asked hesitantly. He was quite sure that he didn't know her, if she had been a man, he would have doubted the surety since all of his clientele had been men, but there was something about her that was so familiar…

Suddenly, it clicked. He really didn't know her, and it was precisely her that made him feel like she was familiar, it was her features. The woman reminded him of Alex and Aluxiel. She had Aluxiel's red hair, the same exact shade, and Alex's light blue eyes, and there was something about his face that reminded him of the twins. They were fraternal, but really, the only thing differences between them were their eye color and hair color and this woman reminded him of both of his friends. Looking at her made him feel lonely for them. Though she was dressed smartly, the woman didn't look all that old at all, for all Duo knew, she could be there sister or mother, maybe even a cousin. He shook away the thought. He knew a little bit about the twin's family history and couldn't think of single reason for any of their relatives to be in Maine when he knew for a fact that they weren't even from Maine.

Duo blinked when the woman took his hand in hers and shook it, a bright smile on her face.

“Finally!” she breathed in relief, “I thought I had the wrong schedule for you. I've been all over the school looking for you!”

“And… why would you be doing that?” Duo asked, already feeling a sharp sense of foreboding. Any adult looking for him couldn't be a good thing. He still got nervous whenever Une or her husband approached him.

“Oh, how rude of me!” she exclaimed, still smiling sweetly in a way that made Duo want to drop his defense. He thought again of the possibility that this woman could be related to his two friends. They had that same trait, they could just smile at you and any anger you felt at anything would just vanish. It wasn't an act, either. In fact, Alex reminded Duo a lot of Quatre, he had that same intelligence and strategic mind, but he also was very honest and sweet to be around.

“My name's Adylan Smith, though you can call me Addie if you like. I'm with the School Board. I've been meaning to talk to you for awhile now,” she told him. Duo felt a chill go down his spine at that piece of information.

“Did they revoke my right to come back to school?” he asked in a panic. They couldn't do that, right? He was already two months into the semester! Besides, Treize would never allow them to kick him out of school, right?

Adylan waved her hands in a defensive gesture.

“Oh, no!” she said in almost the same frantic tone as Duo, it's nothing like that! Mr. Khushrenada knows why I'm here and he's volunteered his office, so why don't we go there? He told me it's alright to pull you out of your next class and I promise it's nothing bad.”

Duo shrugged. He hated missing class, but he was too relieved to protest and if he was being pulled out of class, it had to be something important. She had said it was nothing bad, but how could he trust a stranger? He had enough problems trying to trust people he knew. He had spent too long having no one to trust at all and this woman was definitely not on his small list of people he would trust, no matter what. But he followed her out of the gym anyway, his age-old instincts of having to do what he was told, especially when it was an adult giving him the orders, forcing him to do so.

He hated going to the principal's office. Duo supposed that every normal kid could say the same thing, but his reasons were different. Even before his past had come to light, Treize had been nice to him, which was more than he had ever expected out of a man in a position of power. However, in the past, he had been called to that office a lot over absences and odd behavior, not to mention the times that Zechs bullied him and he had had to deny it in order to keep the silver-haired boy from telling Treize about their `deal'. Treize had done so many good things for him lately, he shouldn't feel that going there was a bad thing anymore, but some habits held strong.

In any case, Mr. Khushrenada wasn't in his office, having obviously left so that Duo and Mrs. Smith could talk privately. The principal's absence didn't make Duo feel any better. He couldn't help but feel a bit… warm inside, remembering the last time he had been here and how… comforted Treize had made him feel. He flinched a little when Mrs. Smith closed the door.

“Now, Duo, I want you to know that ever since the board voted in favor of you coming back to school, we've been meaning to have a word with you. Mr. Khushrenada told us the… details of your absences, which has raised an issue amongst us,” she informed him. Duo looked at her in confusion. What could possibly be the problem? He wasn't getting kicked out from school, so what did his being confined to the apartment, getting beaten and raped on a regular basis, and then having a psychotic break have anything to do with the School Board?

“There is a scholarship that this high school gives out to students who have shown… a special kind of character, something beyond what we normally see. What you went through with your father was bad enough, but how hard you've strived at this school to better yourself after all of that is truly remarkable. If it weren't for your absences, you would have been an honor student since you first enrolled in High School. By your own admission, you haven't had much of an education, but someone of your level of intelligence and personal strength would go far in an institution. The Board has been discussing it with Mr. Khushrenada and your teachers and we've decided to give you the scholarship,” she told him with a soft smile.

Duo stared at her in shock. A scholarship? That… hadn't been what he had been expecting. He had always wanted to go to college, but had believed it to be a pipe dream. He and Name hadn't even talked about it yet and now here was this lady that was offering him money to just that. Wasn't this what he wanted so badly, he would do anything for it? But… no matter how much the scholarship was for, did he really deserve it? Did he even want it? Ok, he definitely wanted a chance to go to college. Even if Name wanted to pay for the whole thing, a scholarship would let him feel like he was contributing, but did he really want a handout just because he was one of the thousands of street kids that ended up raped and burned out before he even reached puberty? He was sure that some other kid could use that money more than he could. He still didn't feel like he deserved stuff like that. What had he done that was so special? He had accepted food from a pervert and now, he just wanted a small slice of normalcy and going to school was a part of that. Did he really need to be congratulated for something that he wanted to do with all his heart, something that was contributing to his desperate clinging to sanity?

And then… there was that voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Solo's, and he knew that it was Solo's, ordering him to take the damn money, in the name of every street kid out there who knew that the same society that handed out that money didn't give a flying fuck about any of them. If they all burned alive, every last one of them, no one but another street rat would mourn them, or even care enough to notice, so he should just take the money because, didn't at least one of them deserve some recognition? Duo suddenly realized that Solo and Shi would take the money in a heart beat, not because they needed it or they thought that they deserved it, more as a way to flip off the government that had abandoned them without a second thought and say, “See? I have worth, too!”

“What do I have to do to get it?” Duo asked, a sudden strength and ferocity in his violet eyes that almost made Addie shiver.

“You and your current guardian just have to fill out a few forms, and you have to write an essay about what you want to do with your future, but that's it. The scholarship will pay for the first year of any school you decide to go to, but even that, you're still eligible for more money, you just have to be reviewed,” the redhead told him. Duo wanted to laugh at her. It was a lot harder than she thought. Talk about what he wanted to do with his life? He hadn't the slightest idea!

“Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?” Duo asked, already making up his mind that he was going to fill out the forms and do the essay.

“That's all,” Addie responded, digging out the forms from her purse and handing them to the teacher. Duo shook her hand.

“Thank you for considering me,” he said politely. Addie smiled at him.

“It was a pleasure meeting you,” she smiled brightly at him, then left the office, leaving Duo staring at the forms with a slightly lost expression. He stuffed them into his book bag and left the office, waving to Mr. Khushrenada's secretary, who had seen him come and go from this office enough times that she always said hi and cheerfully waved him back.

 

 

End Part 14