Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ Surgery Part 15 ( Chapter 22 )

The Road to Kindness

Chapter 7

Part 15

 

 

Duo told Quatre, Trowa, and Heero what had happened as they got into Heero's car at the end of the day. Quatre and Trowa's responses were completely predictable to him. Quatre told him that he should take the scholarship because he deserved it more than anyone else, while Trowa advised that he think over, long and hard, what he wanted to do with his life before making any sort of a decision. It was Heero's reaction that hurt down to the bone. He didn't say anything, didn't even look at Duo as he drove out of the school's parking lot.

In the gym, Heero had been trying to tell him something, Duo was sure of it. He had been hoping that that meant Heero would talk to him again, but now… nothing had changed. Heero was closing off again. It was just so damn… frustrating! What made it that way wasn't just Heero's coldness, but that Duo was torn between thinking that it was the best thing for Heero and thinking that it was going to kill himself inside, little by little. He already felt so desperately lonely, even though he was surrounded by friends, he felt isolated from everything, just because he couldn't have Heero back. He shouldn't feel that way, he knew that. He had so much to be grateful for, so why should he be so… selfish? He knew that he could survive without Heero, he just didn't want to.

Name was away at a meeting when the four of them got home and Duo holed himself in his room. It wasn't that he didn't want to be around Quatre and Trowa, he did, he just wasn't sure if he should talk to them about the things that were bothering him, namely Heero. They had been his friends first and he was afraid that they would tell him his worst fears, that Heero really did blame him and staying away from him was the best course of action. Even if he believed that, he didn't want to. He just didn't want to say it out loud, to admit it to everyone how badly he had messed up. But he didn't want to hold it inside anymore, either.

Duo sat on his bed, feeling more depressed than usual. Shiva, seeming to sense his depression, jumped into his lap, butting her head against his hand. He stroked her ear and she curled up in his lap in contentment.

“Everything was so perfect… but now it feels like its falling apart,” he told her. He easily fell back on old habits. In the past, whenever he had been feeling overwhelmed, he could never talk to anyone, especially anyone who had cared, so he had talked to his cats. At least they listened, and he never had to worry about them judging him.

“I finally have a home, and people who both love me and can take care of me. I should be happy, right?” he asked the cat. She looked up at him with curious yellow eyes, hanging on his words, or at least the familiar sound of his voice.

“But I'm not happy… I keep screwing up. Whenever something good happens to me… I do something to mess it up. I got Helen killed, I almost lost Heero's friendship when he found out about me and Zechs, and now I really have lost it. I couldn't keep him safe… he's been trying so hard to help me, and I almost got him killed!” Duo squeezed his eyes shut, fighting against tears, “It's no wonder why he's avoiding me… he's finally figured out what a terrible person I am!” Shiva reached up to lick at his cheek, sensing his emotional turmoil.

“I should be glad he's avoiding me, right? The more distance there is between him and me, the more likely he'll be safe… but is that enough, or will Wes keep on trying? If I thought that I'd be keeping any of them safe, I'd just leave… but is that just an excuse? I don't think I could ever do that again… run away. I don't want to. I just want things to go back to the way they were… I can't even approach Heero when I want to talk to him, I'm too scared that he's angry with me. I don't want to feel lonely anymore…”

“Duo Maxwell!”

The abrupt, stern voice almost made Duo jump and Shiva hissed at the intrusion. Duo frowned as he saw Trowa, his arms crossed over his chest in annoyance, standing in his doorway. He absolutely hated that Trowa could sneak up on him like that. Solo and Shi could do it all the time and when he had been younger, when his street instincts had still been perfectly fresh, it had disturbed him. Now, it was just strange because no one else could do it. Though Heero and Wufei were adept at martial arts, they walked around like they owned the place and Quatre just walked normally, but Trowa slunk around gracefully, like a cat hunting a mouse. But even though Trowa looked like he was going to chew him out for something, Duo didn't feel threatened by him, just embarrassed, though he wasn't sure exactly what he had done wrong.

Trowa sighed and sat next to Duo, covering one of his thin hands with his own larger one.

“You're doing it again,” he said mournfully.

“Doing what?” Duo asked in confusion.

“Hiding,” Trowa clarified, “I thought that I told you that, no matter what, you could come to talk to us, to your friends, but this isn't the first time you've hidden away, instead of coming to us. You've been having nightmares since you came back, but you only mentioned it when you fell asleep in class. There's more than just that, too, isn't there?”

Duo nodded sheepishly.

“Yet here you are, talking to your cat instead of talking to us,” Trowa said in irritation.

 

“Promise me that you won't run away again. Promise me, that if you're in pain or lonely or just need to get something off your chest, you'll talk to someone, anyone, instead of bolting without a word or note.”

 

Duo blushed darkly at the memory. He had promised Trowa that he would never run away, physically or emotionally. Was that what he was doing, running away from his friends because he couldn't deal with things anymore? Hadn't he just thought that he didn't want to be that way anymore, yet here he was, falling back on old habits. He was running to his animals, instead of relying on his friends, his very human, kind, and compassionate friends. Trowa's expression softened at the look of realization on Duo's face. He pulled him into a tight hug.

“You have humans who care about you, too, remember? We worry about you, and it would be nice if you told us all the things that are bothering you so we don't have to worry so much,” he murmured. Duo nodded.

“I'm sorry,” he apologized, “I'm just embarrassed by myself and I'm… confused.”

Trowa let him go.

“Well, then tell me what's wrong and we can work it out together,” he urged. Duo found himself smiling up at him.

“I'd… like that,” he murmured. Why had he been so hesitant, so ashamed, at the thought of telling Trowa about his problems with Heero? Trowa was so kind to him… he didn't think Trowa would ever make him feel bad, and hadn't he told him that he didn't think Duo was to blame? Why couldn't he just believe that and stop… hiding?

“You told me that there was nothing going on between you and Heero, but that wasn't the truth was it?” Trowa pressed.

“I'm… not sure what's going on,” Duo said truthfully. He knew that he had only been speculating what Heero was thinking and feeling.

“You know that all those things… they weren't your fault, right?” Trowa asked, “What happened to Helen, Heero finding out about your past, and what had happened in Boston, all of those things were inevitable. You didn't necessarily do anything to cause them. Helen died because she had decided to act, you were just trying to survive, but she made the decision to not back down from that gang. Maybe you did choose to be friends with Heero, but you didn't choose to be a prostitute and, no matter how well you hid, it would have been impossible to keep a secret like that forever. As for Boston… Duo, I know it doesn't seem like it because Name has managed to shelter you and Heero from a lot of it, but Heero, and by extension, anyone who is friends with him, is constantly in danger. He belongs to the most powerful, wealthy family in the world, don't you think that there are people out there that hate Name, want some of that power, or just want to hurt this family for the thrill of it? You're in just as much danger being friends with Heero as he is being friends with you. Name has gone through a great deal to make sure that we're safe, that all the… crazy bastards out there can't take advantage of us or hurt us. The only difference between those crazy people and your crazy people is that we don't know where they are, so Name can't put a tail on them or have them arrested.”

“Does Heero know about all that?” Duo asked in shock. He had thought that no one would dare attack the Yuy family, but what Trowa said made sense. Only people who were reasonable and feared for their own livelihoods would be sensible enough to know not to do such a thing, but someone with nothing to lose, or a lack of sanity, would love to take Name down. If Heero was aware of that… then maybe he could accept the danger Duo had put him through, either way, they were in danger all the time… it that were true, Heero wouldn't hate him, even if he blamed him, right?

“Of course he knows,” Trowa scoffed, “When Heero's father died, his mother was devastated. She became overprotective of Heero and it became necessary for him to know why. Heero doesn't blame you for Boston, Duo. He understood the dangers when you told him about your past. It's true that he's angry about what had happened, but only because you got hurt. He's not angry at you, none of us are.”

“Then why won't he talk to me?” Duo whispered brokenly.

“Why won't you talk to him?” Trowa pressed, “Why do you flinch when he touches you?”

Duo winced at the accusation, though he knew it was a valid one.

“I'm too ashamed,” he said under his breath, “I love him so much, but I couldn't save him. I let that part of my life into this one. I can't let him see how dirty I am…”

“You aren't dirty!” Trowa snapped, making Toby, who was watching them closely, hiss.

“You think that, just because Heero saw you like that, if he gets close to you, he'll think you're unworthy of his friendship? That will never happen! Heero respects you. I know you don't believe that, but he does. You're not talking to him because you feel responsible and don't want to see him get hurt because of you. Did it ever occur to you that he feels the same way?”

Duo hugged Shiva to his chest, who purred at the contact.

“But what if you're wrong?” he asked in a small voice.

“What if you are?” Trowa countered, “What if you're destroying your friendship for no reason other than the two of you are scared of things that aren't real?”

Duo fell silent, digesting that thought and finding his self-doubt to be wonderful.

“And what are you going to do about that scholarship?” Trowa asked, “Are you going to let your lack of self-esteem and fear keep you from accepting that as well?”

“I don't know what to do,” Duo admitted, “I don't want to get things just because I'm pathetic, I don't even know if I deserve to go to college or want to. What is someone like me going to do with an education?”

Trowa sighed angrily.

“Duo, you're smart. You only started to get an education a few years ago, but you get good grades. You're curious and didn't let your abuse or lack of money keep you from trying to be normal. You could go far in college, it all depends on what you want to do for the rest of your life. I know you have never thought about it, but you should start asking yourself these questions. You were given this chance because they know you deserve a chance, not because they think it's the only way to keep you off the streets. You deserve this, Duo, you really do,” Trowa insisted.

Duo glanced over at Trowa, seeing the honesty in his eyes.

“You really think I should go for it?” he asked, trusting his opinion. Trowa nodded.

“I'll talk to Name about it,” the longhaired boy finally surrendered. Trowa smiled at him, glad that he was able to convince Duo of something, even if he couldn't get him to talk to Heero. He would just have to wait Duo out, however long that took.

 

*****

 

“Of course you're going to take the scholarship!” Name scolded as she filled Duo's plate up for the second time with mashed potatoes, broccoli, and roasted turkey, all home made. Today had been a good day, Name thought, at least for Duo's appetite. He had eaten all of his breakfast and lunch, too. She hoped that that meant he was getting better, but she knew enough not to hold her breath. She was also still worried about his sleeping problems. He hadn't said anything more to her about it, but she knew that that didn't mean anything. Duo was too good at hiding.

“But I don't even know if I want to go to college!” Duo pointed out, “And even if I did want to, why should I have a free ride when someone worse off than me might be refused?”

Name sighed, handing Duo his plate back and sat down.

“I may be biased, but I doubt that there's anyone more deserving than you, Duo, and I know you want to go to college!” she said.

“But…” Duo started to protest, then stopped. Why was he fighting against this so hard? Hadn't he already decided he was going to take the damn money? And Name was right, he had always wanted to go to college. Was he so terrified of trying for a normal, good future that he was willing to throw away every opportunity he was given?

“No buts,” Name said tersely, “You've earned this by being a good, hardworking student, despite all the things in your life trying to keep you back. No matter what school you go to, I'm going to pay your way, but you deserve this money, Duo, and I'm not going to let you throw it away.”

Duo looked down at his plate, wanting to protest her decision to pay for college because she had already done so much for him, but knew from experience that there was absolutely nothing he could do or say to change her mind. Besides, a deep part of himself argued, she was paying for Heero's schooling and to Name Yuy, four years of college wasn't much money. But mostly, he was too honored by her kindness, and wanted a proper education too badly to try to talk her out of it.

“Thank you,” he murmured. Name smiled fondly at him.

“You are very welcome,” she said, stroking his hair in affection, which made Duo blush. Quatre noticed how Heero's attention was solely on Duo, but every time Duo looked in his direction, the Japanese boy would look down at his empty plate.

Duo helped Name with the dishes and ended up hugging her when the others had left the kitchen.

“Thank you for everything,” he murmured. It was something he would never forget, for as long as he lived, the kindness of a woman who should have hated him and forgotten him, just like everyone else. Instead, she had taken him in as a child quickly becoming his mother. Even if she hadn't told him she was going to pay for school, he would have loved her deeply and honestly.

Name kissed the top of his head.

“You don't have to thank me, Duo. You're my responsibility and I take care of everything under my care, always. You deserve everything that Heero does, don't you ever forget that,” she soothed. Duo felt tears prick at his eyes, but managed to hide them form her.

“You'll think about what you want to do, won't you? I've already signed the forms, but you need to write that essay,” she pointed out. Duo nodded.

“I know. I'll think of something,” he promised. She ruffled his hair and let him run upstairs to finish his homework, an affectionate smile on her face.

 

*****

 

//Duo hated the snow. An old wino, under the obvious influence of something, rambling in a way that a lot of old, homeless men would do to anyone who would listen, had told him one cold evening when Duo had been wandering for a full dumpster to rummage through, that snow was a lot like certain women, it was pretty to look at, but it you had no sense, it was liable to get you killed. He remembered those words quite vividly now as he walked over the ground, which was covered by an inch of snow.

It was two weeks after the church had burned down and Duo still hadn't been able to get any shoes. The bits of rag tied onto his feet only kept away frostbite, but not the cold. With every step he took, he fought away a shiver, but with the sudden cold weather came two needs: heat and shelter and unless he found some place out of the strong winds, he'd probably get pneumonia or hypothermia or something like that. The only good things about the cold were that it took his mind off his hunger and the cold kept food fresher for longer. The slipperiness of the snow just made the whole thing even worse for him, though.

The street was empty at that hour of the night, which was good because it was less likely that he would run into anyone, but it was bad because, if he did run into someone, he was screwed. Not that anyone would help him if there were people around. This was also a good area because it was unclaimed, there were no pimps or territorial whores to deal with. So, when Duo heard some strange noises coming from an alley, he was curious and disobeyed one of the key rules he had learned long ago. Instead of walking away from the sounds, he walked towards them.

It was a shallow alley, but he smelled it before he actually saw anything, the lamp light from the main street casting long, creepy shadows all over the walls and sparkling snow. He smelled something familiar and nasty, a smell that he recognized, though he couldn't put a name to it, but later on in life would identify as sex, violent sex at that, since there was a trace of blood in the stench. Under this smell was one he was even more familiar with, the scent of death. Duo's nose crinkled in a mix of disgust and remorse. Someone had died, probably because of the cold. Maybe it wasn't even a person, but a cat or a dog.

If it was a person, they might have money or food on them, or, much more importantly, shoes. As he stood at the mouth of the alley, he could feel the cold soaking into his feet. If it was an animal, he could have a quick meal. Duo walked into the alley, throwing caution to the wind under the excitement of maybe getting his feet warm again. He saw the red snow first. He immediately stopped walking forward, which would be the thing that saved his life later on, caution screaming in his head.

Propped up against a corner of wall and dumpster was a woman with long, black hair, her light green jacket and jeans smeared with blood, proving to Duo why the snow near the dumpster was red. A mere foot away from the body was a man. His back was to Duo, which was why he wasn't dead at the moment, but even in the low light, Duo could tell that he had a full head of silver-white hair. From where he was standing, Duo could see that the man was rummaging through the woman's purse, kneeling in the snow.

Duo couldn't see where the knife that had killed the girl had gone, but he knew instantly that he was in danger. He took a step back and his cloth-covered feet crunched in the snow. The man's head turned sharply and Duo gasped as cold blue eyes glared at him. It was the man who had killed Helen, though he couldn't remember his name. He looked almost completely different now, his body much thinner, his eyes wilder with dark lines of exhaustion under them, he looked crazed, all of the coolness that he had displayed last time they had met long gone.

“You!” the man snarled in rage. Duo was off and running before the man was even on his feet. He could hear him coming after him, even through the snow. The only thing Duo had going for him was his speed and he knew it. He had gone too long without food and sleep to have any stamina, but he had a head start and his smaller weight made him quicker.

Duo ran for three blocks, all the while hearing the enraged man behind him, never tiring, though Duo certainly was. He wished he had the time to tuck his long hair into his shirt. He had the sudden, horrifying image of his pursuer grabbing his hair and yanking him back to his certain death. He wished he had time to hide, but the man was too close and all Duo could do was run and hope the man didn't catch him, or Duo didn't slip on the snow. He didn't even have the time to wonder why the man was so pissed off. It wasn't like there were any cops around to tell that he had murdered that woman and if there was, anyone with common sense knew no one would believe a half-starved street rat.

They were quickly running out of street. The street they were on was like a prong of a T. The street had a dead end and another street. If Duo kept along straight, he would just hit a fence and he didn't trust the slippery snow that was falling, and his own speed, to get over it in time. He quickly saw the sharp right angle that was the next street. Snow was falling heavily and Duo was too scared to slow enough to make the turn safely.

He made the turn at full speed and slipped. The sharp turn made the slipping impossible to avoid, but Duo refused to panic. His small hands grabbed the post of the street sign and he swung to keep from hitting the wall on the left, slipping safely forward without falling or hitting anything and kept running. He heard the man try to match his speed behind him and, just like he had, slipped. Terrified that his trick wouldn't work, Duo was sure that the man wouldn't panic, either, and would copy his move, but he then heard a loud crash followed by loud, pained cursing and realized the man hadn't caught the pole in time and had hit the wall, hard.

Duo didn't waste time stopping to see if the man was unhurt enough to chase after him again, he just kept running. He could feel that he didn't have much chase left in him and knew that he had to find a hiding place and quick. His speed lagged as he went through two more blocks. Suddenly, he came across another sharp turn and took it. Like before, he slipped on the snow, but this time there was nothing to grab onto and he fell.

Duo slammed his knee into the pavement as he fell and felt a sharp pain shoot up his leg, but he clenched his teeth to keep from screaming. He felt the rags on his feet come off, but he didn't try to grab them, he immediately got back onto his feet, even as he felt blood running down his leg. He ignored the pain as he tried to run again, though it seemed more like an awkward, limping shuffle to him. The snow burned his feet with cold and the hot blood felt weirdly pleasant by comparison. His lungs burned, too, as he panted for air, the cold prickling each breath with ice.

Duo stumbled to a stop as he spied an alley, the first since he had run onto this street. In his pain and panic, he didn't notice the person leaning against the alley wall until he nearly ran into them. He made a squeaking sound in a mix of shock and fear. The boy was a young teenager, but he looked older, just because of his height. His wild looking red eyes and long, gold hair made him look hard and edgy, making Duo's stomach feel as icy as the rest of him. The feeling was quickly dispelled when the boy, dressed in oddly tight, thin clothes, old dog tags around his neck, raised an eyebrow at him, taking in his bare feet and bloody leg, and raised his hand in greeting.

“Hey,” the blonde said, his voice sounding concerned. Duo's instincts told him that the boy, obviously another street kid, wasn't to be trusted, but his fear of the blue-eyed man made him want to latch onto those long, strong legs and never let go. The red-eyed teen looked scary and intimidating, but only if you got on his bad side and Duo badly wanted to plead with him for help.

Duo suddenly heard a sound coming from the street and knew it was his pursuer. Not wanting to put his life in the hands of a stranger, Duo ran past the blonde into the other end of the closed alley. When he found the back wall, he realized that he had probably made a mistake. He had to find a good place to hide, or run somewhere the man wouldn't be able to follow him through. The back wall was too high to get over and he didn't have the time to stack the broken boxes that littered the alley. The dumpster was a possibility, but one he didn't want to go for. There was no way out of the alley but the way he came and didn't want to risk hiding in a place that was little more than a metal trap.

Then Duo spied the manhole. Usually, the covers were always shut and far too heavy for a kid like him to lift, but someone had left this cover open a bit. Duo ran to it, seeing it as his only chance of escape, and slipped down into the darkness. It was a tight fit, even for him, but he wasn't sure whether or not the man would be able to lift the lid. If he could, Duo would have to go down into the sewers and try to hide out there, though even he knew that was dangerous. It was completely dark down there and probably maze like. Even if he lost the man chasing after him, he would probably get lost and stuck down there.

That thought made him shudder as he gripped onto the second rung of the ladder leading down into the sewers. Even up here, it stank like a thousand dumpsters and he couldn't even see the bottom of the ladder it was so dark. He grabbed and hung onto the rung like his life depended on it, shivering, though not from the cold. Darkness and stink surrounded him and he couldn't help but picture a gnarled, completely not-human hand reaching for him in that darkness… He shuddered again. No, there was no way he wanted to travel down in that blackness. He had lived on the streets long enough to know that the only real monsters out there were people, but the thought of running into something slimy with yellow eyes and sharp teeth made him, childishly, want to scramble back up to the surface. The dim lighting of the street lamps as Duo peeked through the slit of the manhole was his only grace. It wasn't enough to keep his heart from pounding or get rid of the impulse to cry.

Duo had no idea what scared him more, the thought of getting caught by the man, or falling into the darkness. They were both pretty terrifying, but he had to say that it was the darkness that was scaring him so badly. He knew that the man would kill him with the knife, the same way he had killed that lady, but he had no idea what was in the sewers. What was worse was that the blonde had seen where he had gone to hide. What if he closed the cover on him? What if he told that silver-haired man where he was? Through the gap of the manhole, Duo could see the blonde, still standing exactly where he had been before, looking out into the snowy night.

Now that Duo could get a decent look at the teenager without worrying about him gutting him, he realized that he wasn't really all that scary. He was really tall, and he was in shape without being overly muscular, thin without looking starved. The blonde looked like he could cut you in half just by flashing those blood red eyes in a glare, but now that that piercing stare wasn't on Duo, he could see how tired the teenager looked, like he was worn through and through, only standing because of some inner strength. He wasn't even going near Duo's hiding spot, which suited Duo, the fingers on his right hand running over the dog tags he wore in an almost affectionate gesture and Duo caught a glimmer of something on his wrist that gleamed a deep purple under the lamplight, but he couldn't see it well enough. The tall boy seemed so silent and solemn, Duo had no idea what to make of him. Boys like that were almost always in a gang, cut-throat, jaded, and cruel, but this one was all alone and with the clothes he was wearing, he was either in a bad spot like Duo, hadn't spent much time on the streets, or he was a prostitute. Or there was the possibility he was all of those things.

The boy barely moved when Duo's pursuer stumbled into his alley, out of breath and looking furious. Duo had to close his mouth tight to keep from making any noise. It was so quiet out with the falling snow, Duo worried that the man might hear his thunderous heart beat. The blonde, though obviously young, was as tall as the man, who Duo supposed, to adults, wasn't very tall, but the blonde looked like he could grow some more. Still, in a fight, Duo had the thought that the blonde would overtake the silver-haired man easily, if not because he looked stronger, then because the blonde looked like the sort that wouldn't back down, even if he was stabbed in the gut, but on the other hand, the man looked like someone that would try to survive, even if it meant a wound to his pride.

The teenager didn't even seem to glance at the silver-haired man until he tried to walk past him into the alley, then he grabbed him by the back of his jacket and yanked him back.

“Where the hell do you think you're going?” the teenager growled. Duo blinked. With his gold hair, red eyes, and that intimidating growl, he sounded kind of like a pissed off lion.

“None of your damn business!” the man snapped back.

“I'll say it is,” the blonde snarled back, “This corner's mine, find your own turf and fuck off.”

The man whirled on him, ready to fight.

“I'm looking for someone-,” he started.

“Don't give a shit,” the blonde waved him off like he were fly, “Get out of my alley, now, old man. I'm not in the mood for hide and seek.”

The man, who looked like he was in his twenties, and certainly not an old man, Duo thought, growled at the teen, but it didn't seem as impressive as the blonde's.

“You stupid fuck… I'll gut you, you understand me?! Now get out of my way, I have some unfinished business-,” the man tried to dart forward. Duo heard the `schick' of knife and saw the glint of metal in the low light as the teenager pressed a very sharp looking hunting knife to the man's throat, which stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Maybe I got an accent,” the blonde hissed, “Or maybe you're deaf, or maybe you're just plain dumb, but I'll speak slow so you can understand me. Get… the fuck out…now. This area's mine now, and if I see you around again, I'll show you the proper way to gut someone, got it?”

The silver-haired man didn't even respond, all the fight leaving him at the feel of cold steel against his skin. He fled out of the alley, slipping a little on the snow and almost plowing into someone was standing at the opening of the alley, watching all of this with amusement. The figure watched the younger man as he ran off into the night, then approached the blonde.

“Asshole,” Duo heard the blonde mutter under his breath, then the teen's body stiffened when he noticed the man walking towards him. The man was huge to Duo, he looked about twice the blonde's size, but it was his green eyes that shocked him. Helen had once told him that nowadays, it was more common to see the pigment mutation that had caused Duo's violet eyes and the blonde teen's red eyes than anyone with natural green eyes. In fact, Duo thought this was the first time he had seen green eyes.

With brown, shaggy hair, a cruel smile, and his large frame, if the teenager looked like a lion, then this man looked like a bear to Duo. Whether intentional or not, Duo realized that the teenager had saved his life by forcing the silver-haired man away, so when the green-eyed man strode up to the boy, Duo felt a shiver of fear that the blonde was going to die messily, but he glared up at the man in a way that spoke to Duo of annoyance, not fear or anger, and familiarity. The teen didn't back down, he stood his ground as the man walked up to him, his arms crossed over his chest. Duo quickly realized that this meeting was planned. Why else would the green-eyed man be out this late, in the snow and cold? It also explained why the blonde was here, too. Duo had never seen him before, so he was probably new, but even new street kids never wandered around this late unless they were really, really desperate. If the blonde was a new whore, he was probably desperate to keep his territory and to make as many marks as he could before someone had the thought that he was a pushover. The blonde was obviously not an idiot, at least he didn't seem to be one, and if he had staked a claim on this area, he had to have some edge to him. Still, Duo shuddered at the thought of the blonde trading sex with the green-eyed man, he looked so… big!

“Took you long enough,” the blonde grumbled, “I was about to look up someone else. `s too damn cold to be waiting for your ass all night long.”

The green-eyed man smirked, taking a long look at the blonde.

“Patience is a virtue, kid,” he said teasingly. The blonde snorted at him and started to walk past him, towards the street.

“Whatever. I assume you have someplace warm you want to go to,” he said. The green-eyed man grabbed his arm.

“No. We'll do it right here,” he ordered. Duo's eyes widened. So they really were going to fuck?! He felt his face burn. It certainly wasn't something he wanted to see… especially after what the blonde had done for him. He had heard it sometimes in the night… outside whatever place he could find to hole himself in, people… having sex, but he had always tried to tune it out. The look on the blonde's face probably looked a lot like his, his eyes wide with shock and worry. Duo suddenly realized that that was why the blonde had been trying to lead the man away, he didn't want Duo to watch this. It was considerate, most whores wouldn't care about a street rat watching them `work', but it seemed to horrify this one.

“No way!” the blonde protested. Duo bit down to keep from gasping when the large man shoved the blonde against the wall and pressed his chest to the teenager's back, keeping him trapped there.

“You don't get to call the shots, slut,” the man growled and Duo thought that his growl was pretty damn impressive, “I'm paying to fuck you, you don't need to worry about where or when or why.”

Duo couldn't see the blonde's expression as his head was turned away, but his voice was filled with remorse and resignation.

“Fine, but I want to be paid up front,” he said.

“I don't think so,” the man snapped, “I don't trust you whores. You grab the money and split before you do your jobs. You all should be locked up and chained so you don't get the chance to run away.”

“You think just because I'm a kid, I'm stupid?!” the blonde snarled, “So you can fuck me and not pay? Give me half now, or I won't do shit for you. You can rape me if you like, but I won't make it so easy for you.”

Duo thought that the man could do just that, rape the teen, and he would probably like it that way, so he was surprised when he saw the man slip some bills into his jeans pocket.

“There, now unzip your pants. I don't want to be stuck in the cold anymore than I have to,” the man said in a low voice. Duo hooked his arms around the rungs of the ladder so that he could squeeze his eyes shut and put his hands tightly over his ears at the same time. As scared as he was of the dark, he didn't want to know what was going on even more.

Duo's small body shook as the sounds escalated to the point that he wondered if there was a fight going on. It didn't sound like sex to him… but what did he know? But… what if the blonde was in trouble? That's what it sounded like to him, not that he could do anything about it… if he did, what if the man wanted to do that with him, too? Instead, he stayed as quiet as he could, even trying to not breathe very loudly, which was hard because he didn't dare breathe through his nose with the nasty smell of the sewer. He waited until he couldn't hear anything, not even footsteps, though it seemed like a very long time. What was taking so long? All the whores he knew liked things quick and simple. When every last sound had ceased, Duo crawled out of the manhole.

Waiting for him, neatly placed, like a present from Santa or God; not that he believed in either anymore, were a pair of boots that were way too big for him, a pair of sneakers that looked just right, and a jacket that was also just his size. Duo couldn't wrap his head around these gifts. Had the blonde left these for him? But why were they exactly his size, except for the boots? They looked kind of like the boots the blonde had been wearing… Duo looked over to where the green-eyed man had had the blonde trapped against the wall and saw that the snow was completely bloody, like looking at cherry-flavored snow cones or slush. Duo hugged the jacket to his chest. It was warm, like someone had been holding it for awhile. Duo sniffed, but it wasn't because of the cold. He had met the blonde for only a few seconds, but he was worried about him. He had to have been the one to leave the clothes for him, but why? Why would he be nice to a strange kid?

“Thank you,” he whispered to the empty winter night.

 

*****

 

Whenever Duo had a nightmare, no matter how bad it was, he had the sensation of shooting awake, from one state to another, so quickly and violently that it was disorientating and he had to take a few minutes to figure out what had happened and if he was still asleep or not. This time was different, it was though he were just waking up normally. His eyes opened slowly and, for once, his heart wasn't racing. And yet… he felt heavy somehow, like he couldn't move his body, or he simply didn't want to. Duo rolled onto his side, feeling oddly cold even though it was rather warm in the room. It was like the dream had chased him into waking, he could still feel the snow on his feet, could still feel the biting wind. His heart still felt like it was pounding in fear and worry, but he knew it wasn't.

Duo wanted to claim that the nightmare had only been a nightmare. His distance from Heero, and what Trowa had said about relying on his friends for comfort, had awoken a deep, dark loneliness in him for his prostitute friends. The dead girl in his dream had looked exactly like Yuki, and the teenager had looked like Shi. He wanted to believe that this was just his mind's way of telling him that he should go see them, but he knew it wasn't. He knew the difference between a dream and a memory, even if it was a memory he had blocked from his mind for so many years. This was exactly like his memory of Helen, now that he knew it was there… he just knew it was real.

He remembered the cold of that night, he remembered how much he had still missed Helen. He remembered that dead girl, wondering what the man had done to her and who she was. He remembered how scared he had been, being chased in the blackness of that snowy night, even though he had never really been worried about death, just about the pain and fear of the unknown. He remembered how warm that jacket had been and how well the sneakers had been… and how his gratefulness and worry over the strange teenager had almost brought him, who struggled through hunger, storms, near death, and hundreds of other things, to tears.

Duo's eyes widened and he sat up quickly. He had met Shi before… that thought made his heart race for real and he was torn between excitement at the idea and a huge wave of loneliness. He had absolutely no doubt that the boy that had saved his life that had been Shi. No one else could instill such dual feelings of being threatened and being protected at the same time. Those crimson eyes… Duo had always known that Shi wasn't the joking badass he acted like. Sure, he was overprotective, smoked a ton whenever he could afford it, and could be abrasive, but there was something underneath all that, a deep sadness that seemed to extend beyond just having to whore himself to survive. He had seen it that night, that loneliness. That night that he… well, the night he had thought he had been meeting Shi for the first time, had Shi recognized him, or had he… done what he had done just because it was natural for him to help people from being victims? How many times had his street friends saved his life, and he hadn't even been aware of it? They probably thought he was scum, running out on them like that.

Pain slashed at his heart and he had to roll out of bed with the weight of it. It was too much… so many bad memories… all interlaced with sweet moments with his friends that made him want to hurt himself for being such a terrible friend. He felt like he was doomed to that fate… betraying and letting down his friends. He felt so worthless… it made him feel so heavy, he didn't want to move. He felt tears go down his cheeks. He wanted to see Solo so badly… he wanted to see all of them, Yuki… He just wanted someone warm and alive, someone he could share himself with, to hold him tight and tell him that it was ok, he wasn't the horrible person that he thought he was. Heero… he wanted Heero, he wanted to feel that warmth and care again.

Duo suddenly found himself standing in front of Heero's closed door. It was just one of those things, he didn't know if it was one of his memory gaps or he was just so tired, he was almost in a trance-like state, but there he was, staring at the door. He put his hand against it, feeling the wood under his skin. He could open it… maybe crawl into bed with Heero, maybe Heero would even accept him… he wanted that so badly, but how could he? If he admitted how much he needed Heero… he couldn't pretend that he could stay away from him anymore. Heero might wrap him up in those strong arms of his and Duo knew he would be lost. He could never deny him again.

Biting off a pained, teary moan of frustration, Duo put his back to the door and sat down on the hallway floor. He couldn't go in… he wanted it so badly, but he had to deny himself that… It felt so much like self-mutilation, hurting himself over and over for a reason he was quickly losing a grasp on. In the dark hours of the night, so tired, he could feel himself drooping as he sat in the hallway, Duo wondered what he was doing, why he didn't just open the door and do what every instinct was screaming at him to do. He was so tired, and it would be so easy to ignore those reasons, even his guilt… to fall into the impulse to be held. He was so confused… Did Heero hate him, did he blame him, could he be protected? So many questions, each one only making him cry harder. It was so quiet, and dark… his worst nightmare, and yet, he didn't know if it was real or not, but he thought he could hear Heero's breathing, almost a light snore, through the wooden door, a sign that he was sleeping peacefully. Real or not, the sound lulled him into a dreamless sleep as he curled up against the door.

 

*****

 

“You have humans who care about you, too, remember? We worry about you, and it would be nice if you told us all the things that are bothering you so we don't have to worry so much.”

 

Duo awoke with those words ringing in his head a mere two hours after he had fallen asleep in the hallway. His entire body ached from sleeping on the hard wood floor and wall, especially his legs and back, so he had to bite off a groan when he struggled to his feet. It was still dark in the hallway, and he knew everyone was still sleeping, so he didn't want anyone to know…

He stopped the thought abruptly. Wasn't this what Trowa had warned him about, keeping secrets? Maybe keeping secrets about something little was ok, but he understood what Trowa meant. When it was big things, like getting out of bed in the middle of the night, crying in depression, he should tell someone. Trowa had said that it made them worry… and that he should be talking to his human friends, because they cared about him. Guilt stabbed at him mercilessly. He had been hiding from his friends, not just Quatre and Trowa, but Amaaya, too. What was she thinking, that he was being so cruel, he would call her, but not return any of her calls? What the hell was wrong with him? Trowa was right, she was worried and she cared. He should have told her what was going on, instead, he was ignoring her when he really did want to talk to her. He couldn't see Solo, he was too ashamed, but he wanted to see someone from the old gang, he wanted to feel that understanding they had given him so easily before.

Duo stumbled to his room as quietly as he could, his legs and feet feeling prickly with pins and needles. Sitting on his bed was nice, he no longer felt like a baby deer just learning how to walk, though his legs still felt shaky as the blood went back into them. He felt kind of pathetic, actually. Last night, he had sought comfort from an idea of friendship, staked outside Heero's door, reveling in what should be, what he wanted, but was still too much of a coward to seek out. He should have gone to talk to someone, instead of just falling asleep in front of Heero's door like a basket case. The next thing Duo knew, he was dialing Amaaya's number on his cell phone. This time, he was just as scared of talking to her, and what she might say, as before, but he had no intention of hanging up.

Duo's fingers tightened on the phone as Amaaya's voice mail picked up. It was still her voice though, not one of those computer generated voices and he felt ashamed at how happy the mere sound of her voice made him. He wanted to laugh in self-depreciation and irony. When he actually found the courage to talk to her, he got her bloody answering service, when he didn't, she kept calling him. He wanted to cry. It was in him to just disconnect the call and throw the phone into the wall in frustration. Instead, he got a quick grip over his wide range of emotions and decided to make the next move instead of her. If he left a message, she would understand that he was ready to talk to her now, right?

“… Amaaya, it's Duo…” he said hesitantly, swallowing a few times in nervousness. He shouldn't be nervous, he told himself, it was just her answering machine, but that made it worse. He struggled to find the words to tell her how badly he needed to talk to her. He could talk to Trowa about how he felt about Heero, but not about Shi and Solo, only Amaaya could understand that.

“I'm sorry I haven't been returning your calls, I…” Duo lamely tried to find an excuse and decided to go with the truth, “No, I guess there's no excuse other then what an idiot I am. I… I really need to talk to you. In Boston, something really, really bad happened and I think I messed things up. Yeah… I messed things up, really badly, and… I don't know what to do… I'm lost. Heero and I are speaking to each other. I put him in danger and I don't know how to make up for that. I don't know what I should do, if I should stay away from him or not, because I want him to be safe… but my gut is telling me that being with him is the right thing to do. I can't go to Shi or Solo, or even Hi, with this. I want to… but I'm too ashamed. I haven't talked to any of them for… a very long time. At first, I just wasn't well enough, then, I just wanted to pretend I was normal and I wasn't ready to let go of that. It was so selfish of me… now, I don't want them to hate me. I can't face that… I just can't. I love them too much. What would they think of me for abandoning them, then jeopardizing this wonderful chance I've been given? Hell, what will they think about not trying to help them out? Here I am in this beautiful house with these kind people, and they're still in the cold. It isn't fair, I don't deserve this like they do. I just… I feel like I'm back in that… room… again. Everything is so dark, I can't move and I feel like there's no hope. I can't turn to anyone because I've betrayed them with my secrets and… just being me. I feel like I don't deserve hope, because I've betrayed the people who love me… Shi, Solo, Heero… you…”

Duo paused, struggling to describe how he felt, so far away from the few good things in his past and the good things he had now, Heero… how hard it was, trying to deny those things in the past and trying to survive in his current situation, how disconnected from himself he felt, the more distant he was from Heero, whom he felt was the bridge between those two identities. Fuck, without Heero near him, comforting him, being able to tell him these feeling, he felt like he had a major mental disorder. He probably did, according to Wufei. He hung up in mid-breath. What else could he possibly say to her? “I'm sorry”? Wasn't he though? More than anything, he felt remorse, and guilt. But `sorry' didn't seem enough, it never had. Betrayal… it was as good a word as any other. It described his actions perfectly.

 

*****

 

Wufei was bored. He hated track with a passion and, in his opinion, the only thing worse than running just for the sake of running was that only five people could use the track by the football field at a time, so the gym class took turns, and when one group was running, the rest of the class had to sit on the grass and wait. It seemed like a huge waste of time to him. He had never been very good at running anyway. He had been raised into being an expert at martial arts and had taught that running was just cowardly. He had always believed that, so he had never cared that he was not a fast or lengthy runner. When he fought, he was fast, but to run away… why would he ever need such a skill?

He had always believed those things, but then he had come here and had met Duo. He found himself relying on a whole new set of skills trying to make it through high school gym. He did very well in wrestling, but that had only been a couple of classes. He knew he could do well in archery, he had pretty good aim, and basketball was entertaining, since he was good at working as a team to achieve a goal and could be agile when the situation called for it, but this track business defeated him. So, even though Duo had told them that track was one of the few sports he was actually good at, he had been shocked when it had been Duo's turn to run and he had beaten boys twice his size by over a minute. The entire class had almost gone twice at the track, but no one had beaten Duo's time yet.

Despite Wufei's previous views of running, watching Duo was simply amazing. He didn't even look like he was exerting that much effort, he but he flew when he ran. Wufei could see that their male classmates were frustrated trying to beat him, probably annoyed that someone who was so bad at sports couldn't be caught. Some of the girls, on the other hand, seemed very impressed by his skill, like characters from a bad teen movie fawning over a football star, but the glares of his friends kept them from approaching him over it, especially Heero's glare, which was strong enough to set things on fire, or encase them in a block of ice. Wufei had assumed that it was simply a matter of being in shape. He thought that the other boys were more used to eating junk food and playing video games, while he had been trained to physically fit, so he should be able to be as fast as Duo, right?

Wufei realized his error in judgment when he watched his other friends run. Heero and Trowa were second to Duo's time, but still far behind, which had shocked Wufei. Quatre didn't even come close, but had laughed it off, saying that he wasn't good at individual sports, he was more of a team player, a tactician. It turned out that Wufei was almost as bad. Watching Duo run a second time, Wufei realized his error. As fit as he was, he didn't know how to run. He has thought that, if he just went all out, like how he did when he wrestled or fought, he would be able to get a decent time easily, but through the second lap, his energy had quickly abandoned him. He realized that he had to pace himself, but even when he did, he still hadn't come close to Duo. Duo had explained to him why it was that he was so fast, that he had spent his entire childhood running, and if he hadn't been so good at it, he would have died before he had turned seven. That explanation just made Wufei feel sad, though, so he wasn't sure it was such a good thing that Duo was a good runner.

Wufei looked up at the powder-blue sky. It really was a nice day to be outside for gym, but he would rather find a tree to read under than be running around or sitting in the grass doing nothing. He glanced over at Quatre and Trowa, who were sitting next to each other, whispering to each other about something in Italian. To the casual observer, they just looked like the best of friends, chatting away, a bit closer to each other than friends would be sitting, but Wufei knew that, hidden in the un-cut grass, their hands were touching. It was such a small thing, but it made Wufei's heart hurt. It seemed ironic to him. His parents had brought him to a country that boasted of equal rights and liberal attitude so that he could have a chance to find his own way, without hiding, and yet here were his two friends, who couldn't even hold their hands in plain sight or they would be made into a spectacle. How close they were, and how they seemed to take their hidden relationship in stride, made Wufei ache for his own boyfriend.

Wufei knew the tricks, better than most, of how to be affectionate and hide at the same time. He had grown up in a society that had taught him that hugging in public and, especially kissing, just wasn't done, such displays should be done in private, not public. But, seeing how… touchy Americans could be, and how open girls and boys were with each other, he wanted to do those things with Fai in a way he had never even thought of. Yes, hiding his relationship had been painful, but he had only kissed him outside of their homes once, but that time had been a special occasion. He wondered if Fai would like it here. He would enjoy the freedom of art and speech Americans shared, as well as the sugary foods. Sweets had always been Fai's greatest weakness, though he probably wouldn't like how… busy it was here. It had been the same in China. Fai had lived in a small village all of this life and when, one summer, they had visited Hong Kong with their families, Fai had been overwhelmed by the fast pace of the city. Still, Wufei often had a dream of kissing Fai under the huge maple tree in his backyard, something that made him blush whenever he saw that tree. He supposed his friends would think that it was such a simple fantasy, but to him, it was powerful, something he yearned for with all his heart.

“Wow! Look at Duo go,” Quatre suddenly said. Wufei looked over at the track and saw that Duo was, once again, ahead of the other runners.

“Well, he did mention that he was only good at archery and track,” Trowa pointed out, “He's thin and has a lot of stamina. Everyone else tires out too easily. And this is one of the few sports we've had to do where no one has to be tall or strong to do well in it. The only time he was good at basketball or football was when he had to outrun someone, not out muscle them.”

“We should be able to pick which activities to do, anyway,” Quatre said in annoyance, “It isn't fair for Duo or myself to play football against a bunch of juvenile delinquents! It makes Duo feel inadequate, just because he isn't as big as some of the other boys. I bet he's really good at stuff like gymnastics, though.”

Trowa chuckled.

“It's good for him to try different things, too, though. But you're right, forcing you and Duo to play things you know you aren't good at doesn't help anyone. You should better yourselves at things you can do well. Duo's actually really excited to play archery next week, now that his eyes are all better,” Trowa mentioned.

“Wufei!”

The Chinese boy looked over as Ms. Schbeiker ran over to him.

“Mr. Khushrenada says that your parents are on his phone for you. You have to go to the principal's office,” she told him. Wufei narrowed his eyes. Why would his parents have any need to call him? Unless there had been an emergency… this didn't make much sense to him. It was the middle of the day, so his parents couldn't have been in a car accident, and they couldn't be saying they would be home late or that he needed to catch a ride since he had started getting rides from Heero and he was very self sufficient. He honestly couldn't think of any other explanation than something really terrible had happened. Had something happened at the hospital? He had heard a story of a man that had held doctors at gunpoint to get his wife treatment because they were dirt poor in Montana, but he didn't want to think about his mother being in a situation like that.

“Wufei, is something wrong?” Quatre asked worriedly. Wufei gave him a small smile.

“I'm sure everything's fine,” he lied. He stood up, brushing bits of grass from his pants and followed Hilde back into the school.

Unlike Heero and Duo, Wufei only recalled being in the principal's office twice, neither time for any sort of punishment, one when he had first transferred as a welcoming, and the second had been when Heero had beaten up that boy in the locker room and Mr. Khushrenada had wanted Wufei's version of events. This time, however, he felt like he was in trouble, he was sure his beating heart was similar to students who knew they were going to be punished for something bad. He and the principal shared a look when Wufei marched into the office, then Treize handed him his phone. The Chinese teen was grateful when the ginger haired man left him alone in the office, closing the door to give him some privacy. In Wufei's mind, this move had to have meant that what was going on was serious, either that or Treize was just naturally thoughtful, a trait Wufei had not witnessed in many Americans towards children his age.

“Hello?” he said hoarsely into the phone.

“Él,” a feminine voice said, sounding relieved, “I'm glad to see your teacher was able to take you out of class without much trouble. I hope it did not cause any problems.”

“Niáng,” Wufei breathed. At least his mother was not hurt, he thought. He was ashamed to admit he had never been close to his father, though he and his mother had been very close. The two of them were more alike. While his father had taught him martial arts and the duties of the man, when Wufei had had the time to indulge in his true passions, reading and, he was ashamed of this also, studying herbology, his mother had always joined him. According to her, her love of reading and studying, as well as her natural talent with plants and tending to living things had caused her to pursue being a doctor. In school, she had practically devoured every medical text she could get her hands on and, even here in America, their garden was lush, varied, and thriving. Wufei understood that, even here, it was not considered a male past-time, gardening, but it was very relaxing and he enjoyed it.

Wufei had used to like poetry as well, something his grandfather would have frowned upon. His father was a bit more liberal, though Wufei knew he still worried about him and his sexuality, so he allowed him to be involved in these things. Wufei supposed he had always been something of a closeted child. He had never had many friends. In fact, the only friends he still had were his cousin, Meiran, and Fai. So, he had immersed himself in his books and had never bothered to see how the world really worked. He had thought that what he read was the world, especially where relationships were concerned. Fai was very closeted, too, so they had never had any problems. However, now Wufei's eyes were wide open, thanks to Duo, though he still wasn't sure that he wanted them to be. He hadn't read poetry for many months now, realizing that he needed to change his way of thinking about things, especially relationships. All he had to do was look at Heero and Duo's failing friendship, yet still constant attraction to each other to know that real life was not at all like what he read. In a book or poem, the two of them would have been boyfriends by now, but here they were, still floundering around each other.

“What is wrong?” Wufei asked in concern.

“Do not worry,” his mother soothed, “No one is hurt, I just need for you to do something once your classes are over today. Your friend is still driving you, yes?”

Wufei sighed. He knew he shouldn't have gotten worked up over this. He turned off his cell phone during classes, so if his mother needed something, how else was she supposed to reach him? Still, he was irritated that he had thought something terrible was wrong and everything is fine.

“Yes, Heero is driving me home today,” Wufei told her, “Anything you need, I will have to ask him about. Do you really need this by the time I get home?”

“Oh, I would think so,” his mother said, her tone smug in a way that mothers would get when they were presenting their child with a gift that they knew they would like. Wufei was immediately on alert.

“What is going on?” he demanded.

“A few hours ago, I received a phone call from your friend, Fai,” his mother informed him. Wufei stiffened, his heart pounding again.

“What is wrong?! Is he hurt?!” Wufei snapped. A thousand scenarios went through his mind. What if someone in their village had learned that Fai was a homosexual and had hurt him for it? He had never thought that someone in their village would do something so cowardly, but here in America, he had seen in on the news many times. Homosexuality was more accepted nowadays, they had even earned the right to marry almost everywhere and have children together, but certain attitudes towards them remained and Wufei was sure that they always would.

“Wufei, settle down,” his mother shushed him, “This is good news. He is making a trip here. He will be at the Bangor air port an hour after you get out of school.”

Wufei's heart stopped in his chest. Fai… was coming… here? He thought his chest was going to explode in happiness.

“But… how?” he breathed, “His family doesn't have the money to send him here on a whim, and even if they did, they would never do that! They would never want him in this country.”

“It is my understanding that Fai has done this without his parents' permission and is paying for the ticket on his own,” his mother told him, “Your father and I have offered to put him up for the week that he is going to be here, but I will not be off work until late and I would not like him to be at the airport for so long, especially since this is a strange country for him and I do not want some stranger taking advantage of him. You will pick him up, won't you?”

“Of course I will!” Wufei blurted out, “Even if I have to pay for a taxi… I'll definitely meet him there!”

His mother chuckled at his enthusiasm.

“Mother… thank you for this…” he said excitedly.

“There is no need, Wufei, I know how you feel for Fai. Giving him the spare room is no big deal. Perhaps, if your teachers allow it, you can show him around your school, and, of course, introduce him to your friends,” she said.

Wufei nodded, though no one could see it.

“Of course,” he agreed.

“Call me when you get him home, if you can?” she asked.

“Yes, mother,” he said, already so excited, he could barely stand still. Fai was coming here, for an entire week! The only problem was… he was going to have to tell his friends the truth…

 

 

End Part 15