Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ What Might Have Been ❯ What Might Have Been ( Chapter 1 )

~What Might Have Been~

December 1st, AC 195

Duo sat at the window seat in their current safe house, pondering what he was doing here fighting this war. He was only a child, but he had seen so much already. Heero sat behind him, clicking away at his laptop, totally focused on the mission. "Ne, Heero?"

Heero turned to the braided pilot and took in the unusual inquisitive and thoughtful expression. "What, Duo?" he said in his usual monotone.

"Do you ever wonder why we are here? Why we have been chosen to do...... this?" the violet-eyed boy said to his blank partner.

"It is our mission," he responded flatly and turned back to his work.

Duo sighed in frustration, and then resolved to get something out of his rock of a partner. "Heero! Don't you question anything? Don't you question your superiors, your mission? Is it right for us to kill mothers, fathers, husbands, wives? Just because a few people think what's happening is right? God! Sometimes, I wonder if there is a human being in there sometimes. Heero, are you listening to me? Do you FEEL anything? Anything at all!" Then, Duo stopped suddenly; Heero's tireless fingers had stopped typing. "Heero?"

Heero sat there as still as a statue. "Heero? Are you all right? I didn't mean...."

Heero turned to Duo with tears in his eyes. "Do you really think me so cold hearted?"

*****

December 25th, AC 205

"What are you thinking about, Zi ai? (1)" Wufei asked as he pulled his violet-eyed lover into his arms from behind.

Duo sighed sadly, as he watched the elegant dancers waft their way across the ballroom in celebration of the end of all wars. "Yuy again."

Wufei exhaled in frustration. "Why do you always do this to yourself on Christmas, Duo? Why? He's not going to come back. And if he did, you have me now. I won't let you go without a fight."

Duo whirled around and held Wufei fiercely, resting his head on Fei's shoulder. "I know, Fei. I just.... What if he's out there all alone, and unhappy? He was always more human than he seemed. I just worry that I can't be there to save him from himself. And as crazy as it sounds, a small part of me loves and still cares for him, even though, even though.... I've moved on."

The Chinese man continued to hold onto Duo, rubbing small circles along his back. "Duo, that you still care for him, and love him after what he has done, is one of the many reasons I love you, Ben ai wo zhong. (2)"

Duo looked up into those fiery ebony eyes. "Wo huo long. (3) I love you Fei. Hold me."

*****

December 1st, AC 195

Duo, like a deer caught in headlights, looked at Heero in shock. Heero looked down at his hands, with tears in his eyes. "Duo, I- you really think that, don't you? I suppose it makes sense. I never really ever showed you any compassion. I've been such a fool. Duo, I--" Heero swallowed, almost choking on the bile rising from his stomach. Was he supposed to feel this sick?

"Heero....... What is it? Tell me. I didn't mean it. It's just sometimes- I don't know. You frustrate me. I never know what to do with you. One minute, I think I've gotten through, and the next, you act like a toy soldier." Duo grabbed Heero from his limp position at the desk and pulled him over to his bed. "Sit down, Heero. Help me understand you. Tell me what this is really about. I can see it in your eyes; there's something more."

"Duo, I-" Heero looked down at his hands and choked back his tears. He couldn't put this off any longer. This was eating at him from the inside out. Suddenly, the mask of indifference was just too hard to keep up. "Duo, I love you. Ai shiteru."

*****

December 25th, AC 205

"Look at them, Quatre. Aren't they sweet?"

Quatre smiled. "Yes, Miss Relena, but I wouldn't let Wufei hear that. He might start in on a justice rant."

Relena smirked. "Quatre, he hasn't done any of that typical Wufei behavior since he and Duo have been together. He's mellowed somehow; Duo too though," she finished thoughtfully.

Quatre watched the couple across the room clutch each other, oblivious to the celebration whirling around them. "After what Heero did, I never thought that Duo would recover. To just leave without a word, a note, or any indication at all. I thought we had lost him for a while there. We owe Wufei a lot for Duo even being here, alive, and with us tonight."

"Speaking of 'us', where is your devoted husband?"

Quatre blushed. He was so lucky to have Trowa. Even after all of these years, their love and passion had not faded. "I'm not sure, Miss Relena, but I'm sure he will show up shortly. He had something important he had to take care of. He shou--"

Relena turned a ghostly shade of white and tugged at Quatre's sleeve. "Oh my god, Quatre, Heero- He's here."

*****

December 1st, AC 195

Duo stared at Heero in disbelief. "You what???!!!"

"Duo, I love you. I know I'm not human enough for someone as beautiful and vibrant as you, but I love you more than I've ever felt anything, for anyone, ever. Please don't run away and hide from me. Stay here, hold me, love me; make me human again."

Duo looked in shock at this new emotionally vulnerable Heero. "Oh god, Heero. I never realized." He reached up and wiped the tears from Heero's eyes. "I never knew you felt so much for me, for anything. Don't ever hide this from me ever again; it's beautiful. Your emotions, your feelings, are humbling. Don't hide them, act on them." Duo closed the distance between them and placed a soft kiss on Heero's parted lips. "From now on Heero, no more secrets."

*****

December 25th, AC 205

Tears fell from Duo's eyes as he remembered the distant past of ten years ago. Ten years ago, he had kissed Heero Yuy, and it had changed his life. Now, he was in the arms of another, happy.

"Duo, Love, you're doing it to yourself again. Don't blame yourself for falling in love again. He abandoned you eight years ago. You waited and waited. He never came back, never gave you any indication that he was even alive. Zi ai, you can't go on living in the past. It isn't right what he did, and you had every right to heal, to move on," Wufei whispered into the elfin ear.

"I know, my Dragon, but sometimes… Sometimes, I ask myself if there was something I could have done to stop it. To make him stay. Shinigami help me, Fei, I still love as much as I love you. I-"

"It is all right, Zi ai. Just be assured that I will not give you up without at fight," Wufei said assuredly, while holding Duo in tighter embrace. Duo melted into his arms, and then suddenly went frigid and pale all at the same time. "What is it, Zi ai?"

In a small, scared voice, Duo whimpered. "Fei, it's Yuy."

*****

December 25th, AC 197

"Duo."

"Yes, Heero-love?" Duo settled back into Heero's embrace. The room was crowded, but he had stopped caring what they thought long ago. He was in love and it didn't matter. Heero helped him through the nightmares, and he helped Heero through his nightmares. They were there for each other; that is all that mattered.

"Will you dance with me?" Heero whispered in to Duo's ear.

Duo shocked by Heero's willingness to dance in public with him. To let his guard down that much was a testament to the progress they had made in the two years they had been together as a couple. The braided man looked straight into those deep Prussian blue eyes to be sure. "Are you sure, love? I won't make you do anything that you are uncomfortable with."

"I am sure," Heero said steadily, and led his lover out to the large dance floor, with everyone looking on as two of the greatest war heroes of their time danced with each other as if they were one person.

*****

December 25th, AC 205

Wufei went as rigid as his lover in his arms at those words, and then he spotted the Wan ba dan. (4) "The nerve of that stupid sch! (5) I can't believe he would show up here, of all places! What is he thinking? Doing this to you, Zi ai. Stay here. I'm going to go take care of the idiot before he causes a scene."

Duo stood there in shock as he watched his former lover stalk across the floor. //He's still the most amazing person in the room. Nothing has tamed him, even I couldn't do it. Oh Heero, I'm so sorry. Come back to me. No, I can't do that to Fei; I love him. He STAYED with me for all these years. Forcing me to eat during the severe bouts of depression, and even cleaning me up when I was too drunk to do it myself. Heero just can't waltz back into my life and expect me to be fine with it! Wait; where is Wufei?// Then, a flash of memory hit him suddenly. //Wait, what? Stay here? Take care of the idiot!! Chang!! What have you gotten yourself into? Heero could kill you!//

*****

December 25th, AC 197

After the party, Heero and Duo lay in each other's arms content to cuddle after the busy night of celebration, and of course, celebratory sex. But Duo, not one known to be quiet, needed to know what his lover was thinking. "Heero?"

"Hai, Duo?" Heero mumbled sleepily.

"Can you believe it? We really are free. When the Eve wars started up again last year, I - I was afraid that we would never know peace, and now we do. We have a house together, a real, normal life. Heero, you know I love you, right?"

"Aa, Duo, I love you too. Hold me tonight, Duo. Keep away the nightmares," Heero said as he snuggled into Duo's comforting embrace, knowing this would be their last night together. The coming threat to their peace was too great for him to ignore. The Perfect Soldier was needed again, but this time, he could protect Duo. Duo would never have to fight again, because the Perfect Soldier loved him.

*****

December 25th, AC 205

Wufei walked up steadily to Heero at a furious pace, before anyone noticed him. "Yuy!"

Heero frowned at the familiar tone of voice, and then turned to see Chang Wufei stalking up to him, not looking too happy. "Chang," he said coolly.

Wufei bristled at the tone of voice. "What are you doing here?" he spat out, impatient for an answer.

Heero studied Wufei's defensive stance and extremely pissed-off tone of voice, and decided he would find out why Wufei was displeased with him soon enough. "I'm here to see Duo. What's it to you, Chang?"

"Because Duo doesn't want to see you right now, Heero. You should just go. You aren't welcome among us anymore," Wufei spat out.

Heero narrowed his eyes at the Chinese man. "Since when did you speak for all of us, Chang? And where is Duo? I need to see him."

"Ni shi bai chi! (6) Duo has moved on, Yuy; he's with me now. But you wouldn't know that, would you? You walked out on him eight years ago and never looked back. And Da shabi (7) that you are, you don't even bother to tell him why. Do you know how long he waited for you to come back, Heero? Do you know he almost successfully killed himself seven times before he accepted help from any of us? Do you know that we had to spoon-feed him most days, because he wouldn't eat; he wouldn't function. And when we finally got him out of that stage, we had to pick him up at bars in the shadiest parts of town because he was so drunk he could barely stand? And Duo, my Zi ai, is still in love with you after all of that! After all of the pain and the questions, he still loves you. What do you have to say, Heero? What can you possibly offer him? Knowing what you have done to him! Answer me, Yuy! What can you offer him?" Wufei stood shaking with the anger and the pain this was causing him. Duo meant more than anything to him, and he was going to be damned if he let Yuy get that close again.

*****

January 1st, AC 198

~Ding dong!~

At the sound of the cheery bell, Quatre opened the door. "Happy New Year! Duo?? What's wrong?? Where's Heero?" Quatre asked, panicked from the wave of pain that hit him as he opened the door.

"Nushin's da madda, Q." At that, Duo hit the ground, and the pain just shut off.

Quatre breathed a sound of relief, and called for help from Trowa and Wufei. They rushed to the doorway to see Quatre pale as a ghost and slumped against the door, and Duo passed out cold on the ground. "Quatre-love, what happened?" Trowa asked while supporting Quatre, who looked devastated.

"Trowa something's happened to Duo. He's in so much pain. It hurts so much!" Quatre shuddered in Trowa's arms, while Wufei bent down to pick up the obviously inebriated Duo. Then, he noticed a note written in Heero's precise handwriting clutched in Duo's right hand.

"No," Wufei whispered. "Quatre, Trowa, I think I know what's wrong."

Trowa looked down at the Chinese man from his position. "What?"

Wufei pried the note from Duo's iron grip, and handed it to Trowa. "Look at this."

Trowa reached for it and plucked it out of Wufei's hand, while still holding tightly on to his husband. "Oh, Duo........ Quatre?"

Quatre sniffled. "Yes, Trowa."

"I think we've figured out what's wrong. Heero's gone."

"Oh, Allah, no....."

*****

December 25th, AC 205

The glaring contest continued. Wufei was not going to back down, and neither would Heero. People were starting to stare. Quatre and Relena were slowly making their way over to the scene, just as Duo put himself between Heero and Wufei, two immovable forces. "This will stop now!"

Both men started at the sound of their beloved's voice. Heero looked at the fire in Duo's eyes and just melted, in love all over again. Wufei felt broken inside; he had no chance against Yuy. He was the love of Duo's life. Maybe it was time to stop hoping that Duo would love him just as much.

Duo turned away from Heero, and held Wufei's hand. "Love? Love? Wo huo long? Chang!"

Wufei started at his family name. "Yes, Zi ai."

"I need to talk to Heero right now. Would you wait for me? Then, we can go home. I think I've had enough of this wonderful party. Please, give Quatre our regards for me. We'll see him on New Years." Duo leaned in and kissed his Dragon on the cheek.

Wufei came close to shedding tears. "Zi ai? You mean… You mean… You're not going to leave me?"

Duo's brow furrowed at Wufei's doubt in him. "Cong lai bu, wo ai. (8) I will never leave you. I love you. He had his chance. I- still love him. I do. I just can't take that chance that he will leave me behind. Please, Wufei, trust me. We'll get through this; we always have." Duo kissed Wufei on the lips softly, trying to put as much love as possible into that one kiss. Then, he turned around to face a man he had always loved, but been betrayed by.

Wufei glared at Heero one last time, promising death if harm came to Duo in any way, and then left to find Quatre, who was at the moment struggling to get through the crowd.

*****

January 2nd, AC 198

"Duo?" Quatre asked as he heard Duo groan himself into awareness.

"Q-bean? What are you doing here?" he asked confusedly.

"Duo you showed up for the New Year's party last night, drunk off your ass. What happened?" Quatre asked in concern.

The violet-eyed man wrinkled his brow. //What happened last night? And where is Heero to take me home. Come to think of it Heer-// "Oh god, no. I didn't want to… Oh, why did you have to… No," Duo mumbled to himself as crystalline tears slid down his cheeks in a steady stream.

"Duo," Quatre said gently. "Is it something to do with this?" He held out the note that Wufei found last night.

Duo looked down at the note written in Heero's script, tears blurring his vision. "Yes," he said brokenly.

Quatre looked at him sympathetically. "He left, didn't he?"

"Yes," Duo said numbly as he hugged himself.

*****

December 25th, AC 205

Heero stood there staring at that was his former lover. "Duo, I-"

"What do you want, Heero?" Duo asked him in clipped tones.

"I- I need to talk to you for a few minutes, alone. Please?" he asked hopefully.

"Fine, follow me." Duo led him through the maze of people and out a side door to a small lounge, and locked the door. Duo sat down, looking expectantly at Heero. Heero, unsure of himself, sat across from Duo. "What did you need to talk to me about?"

"I- God, Duo, I never realized. I-" Heero dropped his head into his hands and started weeping.

Duo's eyes started to mist, and he moved over to the opposite couch, pulling the crying Heero into his arms, beginning to rub soothing circles along his spine and shoulders. "It's all right. Let it out, Heero. Everyone needs to cry." They continued on like that for about ten minutes when Heero started to get a hold of himself again.

Still hiccupping a little and sniffly, Heero gazed into Duo's eyes. "I- I've missed you." He reached up and stroked Duo's cheek. "When no one was there to soothe the nightmares, I just wouldn't sleep. God, Duo, I had no idea it would take so long. I had hoped to neutralize the threat, and come back to you, but...."

"Wait!" Duo interrupted, angrily. "What are you talking about Heero?"

"I left because there was a new threat, and that night. You were… you were… just so happy. I couldn't take that from you, and make you kill again. God, Duo, I never thought. I never thought it would take so long. I had hoped to be back within the week to explain. Then, everything went wrong. I-" Heero broke down and started weeping again.

"You… broke… your promise… because of me?" Duo asked in disbelief.

Heero looked up at him miserably. "I only did it because I never wanted to see blood stain these hands again," Heero said as he reached for Duo's trembling hands. Duo flinched, pulling his hands out of Heero's reach.

"Heero, why didn't you tell me? I would have understood. I would have waited."

Heero gazed steadfastly at Duo. "You would have insisted on helping, and would have died a little inside each time you picked up your gun. Duo, I know you, body, mind, and soul, and I didn't want to be responsible for it's death."

Duo looked at Heero and sighed. "Heero, we were partners in life. We kept away the nightmares. If you had been there with me, we could have worked through it together. We could still be together, instead of ghosts of our former selves; still clinging to the present with all our might, so the past doesn't swallow us whole."

"Duo." Heero choked, and then calmed himself again after much heavy breathing. "I love you. I've completed the mission. We can finally be at peace. Duo, I can't... I can't..." Tears welled up in his eyes, as the Perfect Soldier finally broke. "I can't live without you. If you don't let me back in, I- Oh, god." Heero sobbed brokenly into his hands as Duo sat next to him, tears streaming down his face.

Duo shuddered. "Heero, I love you. I always will, but I made a promise to Wufei, and myself, that if you ever came back, we could only be friends. I couldn't face it if you left me behind again, Heero. It would kill me. It almost killed me the first time. I'm sorry Heero. I'm with Wufei, and I love him, and I've pledged my body, heart, and soul to him. I love you, Heero. I always will, but I've moved on. You need to too." Duo removed Heero's hands from his face and raised his chin to look into his broken eyes. "Heero, I love you. Goodbye." Duo leaned in and kissed Heero softly on the lips, and pulled back. "Move on. Find some one else, and come tell your best friend about it. I'll always be here for you, Heero. Goodbye."

*****

December 25th, AC 203

"Wufei, I can't do it anymore." Tears streamed down Duo's face as he stood at the balcony's edge. "I can't live without him. I'm empty inside. I-" Duo choked on his tears. "Please, Fei, let me go."

Wufei trembled at the hopelessness in Duo's voice, and did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed on to his legs, pulling him forcibly back from the balcony's edge. "Duo! He's not worth your life! I know you loved him! I know that there's hole in your heart where he used to be. It will always be that way. You will always miss the one you love, but you have to find something to live for, something to give you purpose. Please, Duo, don't do this. Stay with me. We can work through this together. As long as I'm around, you will never be alone again."

Duo looked up at Wufei in astonishment through his tears. "Fei?! I- I don't know what to say."

Wufei held Duo tighter. "I didn't want to do this to you after Heero left. I- I wanted to wait until you felt better, but you didn't get better. I watched you as you let your body waste away, as you drank yourself into many a drunken stupor, and I- I can't take it anymore. Duo, it's been five years; he's not coming back. I know this might be a bit unjust and selfish of me, but- Duo, I love you. Stay alive for me. Find that something to live for; maybe me?" Wufei blushed. "Promise me, promise me that you will never let this happen to you again."

Duo laid there underneath Wufei, and looked up into those ebony eyes. "Fei, I can't- It just hurts too much. I'll never stop loving him, even if I learn to return your love. I will always love him."

Wufei moved his arm from the position at Duo's side and stroked his cheek. "Duo, I don't care, if you can learn to love me, then that will be enough. As long as you live."

Duo thought long and hard looking into those dark eyes, seeing a promise, a future. "I promise."

Notes:
1. Zi ai - Violet love
2. Ben ai wo zhong - I love my death
3. Wo huo long - My fiery dragon
4. Wan ba dan - Bastard
5. Sch - Shit
6. Ni shi bai chi - You are an idiot
7. Da shabi - Dumb cunt
8. Cong lai bu, wo ai. - Never my love

~Owari, or TBC??~
Let me know what you think!