Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ What Might Have Been ❯ Could I Be You ( Chapter 2 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Jadeduo 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 10.27.2003 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.5K | Visits: 242 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 10.27.2003 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.5K | Visits: 242 | Status: Work In Progress
Title: Coud I Be You, 2/2 or 2/? You decide!!
Author: Jadeduo
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, mention of 3x4
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, and that's it......
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, and at ff.net under Jadeduo, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblidge!
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.
Notes: Well here is more of this craziness I don't know what's come over me..... Although I do know that Chibi-D won't let go of my leg still and is downright begging for more! Please tell me if I should even bother continuing! This part is dedicated to Tai, because even though she hates 5x2 she still wants more! ^^;; And of course this whole thing is Mako's fault, but I wuv her anyway! *huggles Mako* Thanks to everyone who sent me feedback and encouraged me to continue! I will try to get back to you ASAP, just so much going on right now thanks to this! *points down at angst muse who is attached to leg* *huggles everyone* ~Jadeduo
Special Notes:
~noises~
//thoughts//
***** - time and scene change
~~~~~ - scene change
You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight
You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can't even start to feel mine
Well, now standing in place
When my head bursts
Well, I shake, I shake
And I see your progress
Stretched out for miles and miles
~Could I Be You, Matchbox Twenty
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
-- Unknown
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
--David Weatherford
~Could I Be You~
*****
December 25, AC 205
Duo shuddered. "Heero, I love you. I always will, but I made a promise to Wufei, and myself, that if you ever came back, we could only be friends. I couldn't face it if you left me behind again, Heero. It would kill me. It almost killed me the first time. I'm sorry, Heero. I'm with Wufei, and I love him, and I've pledged my body, heart, and soul to him. I love you, Heero. I always will, but I've moved on. You need to too." Duo removed Heero's hands from his face and raised his chin to look into his broken eyes. "Heero, I love you. Goodbye." Duo leaned in and kissed Heero softly on the lips, and pulled back. "Move on. Find some one else, and come tell your best friend about it. I'll always be here for you, Heero. Goodbye." Duo stood and turned to walk out the door, leaving Heero alone, to think.
~~~~~
Duo walked from the room shakily. Wufei spotted him and ran up to support him. "Duo… Zi ai, are you all right? Does he know? Does he-- Does he want you back??" Wufei looked at his lover with hopeful and sad eyes.
Duo stopped walking and looked at his lover, with worry still etched across his face. "Fei-love, I told you already I won't leave you. I love you. Don't worry about Heero.... I love him. I always will, but I can never trust him again." Duo pulled the shaken Chinese man into a warm embrace.
Wufei sighed in relief. "I don't mean to doubt you. It's just, you-- you love him. And, I think as much as you love me, and as much as we have together, you will forget it and-- Duo, I was there when he left. I saw what it did to you; I never want it to happen again."
Duo smiled at his lover. "It won't, wo ai, (1) because now I have you, and you will never leave me."
Wufei smiled wanly, "Never by choice, zi ai." (2)
*****
January 1, AC 206
Duo smiled brilliantly at Quatre when he opened the door to greet his two friends. "Hey Kat, Happy New Year!"
Quatre smiled back, "Happy New Year, Duo!" He rushed out of the doorway and hugged Duo tightly. "How are you doing?"
Duo fidgeted out of the hug and looked into the worried aquamarine eyes. "I'm doing better, Kat. That was one hell of a Christmas party you held. I thought for sure that it might have been April Fool’s Day for a minute there!"
Quatre frowned thoughtfully. "Duo, you don't have to hide from me. I saw Heero there, too."
Duo sighed. "It's alright, Kat. I didn't have a relapse or anything. ‘Fei was there to help me through it, right lover??" Duo looked back teasingly at the Chinese man, who stood in the shadows behind Duo, waiting for the two best friends to finish greeting each other.
Wufei nodded in the affirmative. "Shi de, zi ai."(3)
Quatre beamed at the affection between the two. "Duo, Wufei, there's something I have to tell you before you go in though."
Duo cocked his head curiously. "What, Quatre?"
Quatre swallowed nervously. "It's Heero; he's here."
*****
December 25, AC 205
Heero sat alone in the dimly lit room with his thoughts. //Duo, god I didn't know! Things will never be the same again. I-- Oh god...// Heero buried his head in his hands. //Was I wrong in my estimation of what would have happened-- Would it really have killed him inside and out?? I know the only thing that kept me going was the thought of him in my arms again. Could I have done things differently? Would he have resented me? Does he resent me? I don't know. I can barely think. Duo, you were right about one thing. I was always more human than I seemed....//
~knock! knock!~
Quatre knocked on the door, and called out to Heero softly, just barely over the buzz of the party. "Heero, I know you're in there. Can I come in?"
Heero tried to get a hold of himself and called out resignedly to Quatre. "Hai."
Quatre rushed into the room and sat next to Heero, in the spot that Duo had occupied only moments before. "Heero, what happened?" Quatre asked gently, placing a hand on Heero's knee to ground him.
"Duo, he, he-- let me go." Heero choked up, his emotions still too raw from the encounter from before.
Quatre looked at Heero in sorrow. "Heero, what did you expect? You were gone for eight years. You never sent him anything, or gave him any indication that you were even alive. Just that note. You know it broke him, Heero. He’s been a shadow of his former self for a long time. Only in the past two years has Wufei been able to get through to him. I know that you don't want to hear this, Heero, but for your sake, and Duo's, maybe you should move on."
Heero gulped. "Quatre, I can't, I can't, live-- without him. I wouldn't know how. He was always the one I measured my emotions by. I've always counted on him. Quatre, I still love him, and I don't think I ever will stop. Please help me. I can't do this. I can't do it on my own. I can't be on my own. I'm afraid, Quatre. I'm afraid of what I will do without him."
Quatre looked sadly at his friend; once the strongest amongst them, now the weakest alone during peace time. "I will do my best, Heero. But for now, until we figure anything out, I think it would be best if you stayed with us. At least, until you sort yourself out."
Heero nodded dumbly and then curled up at the edge of the couch to try and get himself under control. Quatre sighed and stood, walked over to the opposite couch, and picked up the afghan lying across it. He eased the numb Heero into a more comfortable position and laid the afghan across his still form. "Heero, get some sleep. I'll make sure no one disturbs you. We'll talk tomorrow; hopefully, you will feel better then."
*****
January 1, AC 206
"Shen me!!??"(4) Wufei asked in confusion.
Quatre sighed and addressed both of his friends. "Duo, Wufei, I know it's been a long time since he was a part of our group. But, he always has been, and always will be. I also know the circumstances between you three, but he needs someone right now. The pain he emits, sometimes… It's just unbearable. I-I've promised to help him through this, help him get his head on straight. You two don't have to talk to him, but I think it would mean a lot to him if you did."
Duo looked down at his hands and sighed heavily. "Quatre, I-- I don't think this is a very good idea. I-- I still love him. I don't think I can--"
Quatre raised Duo face so he could look into his eyes. "Duo, he needs to be friends with you at least. He's promised to be good. He doesn't want to lose you entirely. Will you deny him that? Will you deny him what little happiness he has left?"
Duo rubbed his forehead to ease the tension headache that was slowly forming. "I won't. Just warn him. I'm still a little raw right now. Let's just keep it friendly, kay?"
Wufei wrapped his strong arms around his seemingly weaker lover. "Are you sure about this, zi ai?
"Hai, I'm sure, my dragon," Duo affirmed and softly kissed his lover, his anchor.
*****
December 26, AC 205
~knock knock~
"Heero? Are you up? It's me, Quatre. Can I come in?" Quatre called out softly.
Soldier instincts kicking in, Heero startled awake. "Yes, Quatre you can come in," he said stonily.
Quatre winced at the empty tone; it was just like during the war. There was nothing there. It was like the Heero that cried himself to sleep last night never existed. "Heero, don't do that. It's okay to be weak around us. We understand, really. Now, do you feel up to some breakfast?"
Heero nodded. "All right, let's go. Trowa is downstairs waiting for us." Quatre stood and walked out the room with Heero following, until they reached a charming little sunlit dining area, obviously made for no more than five or six people. Trowa sat there expectantly, waiting for Quatre to return, not expecting Heero to leave the parlor he had shut himself in last night. Trowa took in Heero's obviously broken form as he watched him enter behind his beautiful husband.
*Good morning, love. Good morning, Heero. You look like shit."
Heero smiled wanly. He wouldn't expect less than the truth from Trowa. They had an understanding. Maybe they should have a talk later - about this whole mess. "Thanks, Trowa."
Trowa nodded, and Quatre looked confusedly at them. They always had an understanding he could never understand. One day, he would ask Trowa about it. "Well, sit down, Heero. Is there anything you want?"
Heero cleared his throat, which was still raw from the night before. "Coffee, black, no sugar."
Quatre raised an eyebrow. "Heero, you have to eat more than that. I'll have the cook make you some eggs and toast. That should be sufficiently bland enough for you."
Heero grunted and nodded in assent. "So, Heero, where have you been all this time?"
Heero glared at Quatre, and then sighed. He had agreed to this, after all. "As you know, I've always kept a close eye on what goes on around the earth sphere and the colonies..... A year after the Mariemaia incident, something came up suspicious in one of my searches. So, I decided to go deep undercover and find out what was going on. I-- You have to understand I couldn't jeopardize Duo. Killing again-- it would have destroyed him. I couldn't stand to see Shinigami grinning at me again. He-- he would never admit it, but when Shinigami takes over, it hurts Duo, more than you can imagine."
Quatre sighed in disappointment at Heero's naivety. "Heero, you cold have told us. We could have helped. We would have done anything to stop a threat to the peace. Maybe Duo wouldn't have had to kill. Maybe we could have solved the problem together."
Heero flinched. "We couldn't have. They were tied in with the government. It would have destroyed the peace. I couldn't allow it to happen, Quatre. You are all so happy now - together, at peace. I couldn't force you, any of you, into that life again. It was easy for me. I'm the Perfect Soldier," he finished bitterly, sipping at the steaming black coffee.
Quatre blanched at the pain and bitterness emanating from Heero. "Heero? What happened? This isn't like you. Something had to have kept you away for eight years. Did the mission go wrong?"
Heero looked down into the coffee as black as Wufei's eyes. //Duo looks into those eyes with such love and devotion and I've lost that..... How can I take that from him? But, how can I live without him?// "It did. Quatre, I'm not ready to talk about the mission. I'm still a little raw from it. That and this whole Duo thing. Can we just be friends for a little while? Before any of this happened?"
Quatre looked worriedly at Heero. "Heero, you are going to have to deal with it. Duo and Wufei always come over for New Year’s Day. It's kind of a tradition...... You don't have to be here for it, but I think it would be nice to have us all together as group again."
Heero looked at Quatre with such pain in his eyes that even Trowa winced. "I don't think I can, Quatre. To see him happy and with Wufei. I-- I can't."
*****
January 1, AC 206
Heero and Trowa were standing in the dining room talking softly when Quatre, Wufei, and Duo entered the room. Heero looked up and focused on Duo, who bounced lively into the room. Not expecting his heart to drop to his stomach, Heero sat numbly in a nearby chair, and half sobbed. "Duo." As soon as his stomach would let him, he got up and left the room.
Quatre cried out after Heero. "Heero! No!" Trowa stepped up to his distraught husband and stopped him, rubbing his shoulders in silent support. "Trowa, he was fine, but then he saw Duo, and it felt like a black hole of pain, despair, and loneliness."
Duo's eyes misted slightly and he lent into Wufei for support. "I didn't know, Duo," Wufei said softly. "I always thought that he couldn't have loved you as much as you loved him. He looks like half the man I saw on Christmas."
Duo sobbed silently. "I know. I know. He has to move on, though. I can't do this with him. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Quatre. As much as I would love for us all to be friends again, I don't think it's possible. It just hurts us both too much."
Quatre sighed and left the comfort that his lover offered him to stand in front of Duo, eyes blazing. "Duo Maxwell! Don't you dare give up on the friendship you two share! You were best friends before you were lovers! Just give him some time. Seeing you happy and with someone else kills him. It's eating him from the inside out. He'll just have to work at it. Please, if not for yourself, do it for me. When he's ready to, be his best friend again," Quatre finished softly.
Duo moved from Wufei's embrace and hugged the shaking Quatre. "I'll try, Kat. That's all I can promise right now. Now, let's get this party going. Maybe we can coax Heero downstairs later."
Quatre smiled. "All right, Duo. We do need some stress relief. Especially, as of late."
*****
December 26, AC 203
Duo blinked, and took in his surroundings. It was always like this when he woke up from one of his drunken stupors - with a hangover the size of L2. //Where am I? What happened last night? I remember Kat's party and then it's all a blur from there.//
~knock knock~
"Duo?" Wufei called through the door. "Can I come in? I have coffee for you."
//I'm at Fei's? God, he must have had to clean me up or rescue me from another drunken fight. Why can't I just end it all? Why do I shame myself in front of him and the others....//
"Duo?"
Startled from his thoughts, Duo croaked out. "Yeah, come in, Fei."
Wufei walked into the sparsely decorated room, carrying a tray with black coffee, aspirin, and dry toast. "I figured you wouldn't be too hungry after last night, so I brought some toast. You do need to eat though." Wufei looked pointedly at Duo's emaciated form.
Duo sighed resignedly. "I know." They sat in silence for a moment while Duo drank his coffee after swallowing two aspirin. "Wufei, what happened last night? I-- I don't remember much."
Wufei sighed. He knew Duo would ask. He did every time Wufei had to bring him home after a drunken incident. "You tried to kill yourself again. At Quatre's party."
Duo smiled wanly. "I guess I didn't succeed again."
Wufei snarled. "Ni shi bai chi! (5) Maxwell! I-- you! I don't know what to do with you! You promised me! You promised you would stop this! That you would stop trying to kill yourself! You promised me you would find something to live for!" Wufei started crying softly. "Duo, I love you. I only want to see you happy. Please stop it. Stop it! No more morbid jokes. Stop putting up that stupid mask. We don't believe it anymore. Not since Heero left!"
Duo frowned at the normally cool and collected Wufei. //What happened last night? Did I really promise Wufei all that?// "Fei," he said softly. "I need to know now. What really happened last night? I don't remember much. It's a little hazy."
Wufei sniffled, and then, got himself back under his tight control. "Duo, you promised that you would find something to live for. And I-- I...."
"You told me you loved me," Duo finished in awe as the evening before came back to him in a rush.
"I did," Wufei affirmed. "So, what are you going to do now, Duo?"
"I don't know."
*****
December 1, AC 210
Heero sat at the outdoor café, waiting for his best friend and ex-lover. It had taken a very long time to come to terms with it, but he had. He could love Duo from afar, as long as he was happy. They made it a point to meet for lunch or do something friendly once a week. When he first came back, things hadn't gone as well as he had hoped. He had found out that Duo and Wufei were together and that he was no longer wanted or needed. Well, that wasn't right. Duo couldn't trust him, and in turn, couldn't love him. So, they went back to being best friends, but it hadn't come to them easily. Being alone without Duo was like learning to breathe again. They had to take it one day at a time, and it was painful.
Duo walked up to Heero, who didn't look to be all there. //Hmm, I wonder what he's thinking about....// Duo smiled mischievously and snuck up on his best friend, and covered Heero's eyes with his hands. "Guess who?"
Heero jumped at the sound of Duo's husky tenor. "Duo!" Heero removed the hands from his eyes and got up to hug the braided man. "I was wondering when you were going to show up! You're late!" Duo removed himself from Heero's arms and sat down across from him. Heero sat down, a little hurt by the way Duo was acting, but said nothing. Sometimes, he would get in these moods. He would just have to play it by ear.
"Sorry, Heero, I should have called, but I--" Duo blushed.
Heero sighed. They always avoided Wufei when they talked. It was always better that way. They could forget for just a little while all the baggage and be good friends again. "It's alright, Duo. I understand if he made you late. You are lovers. I know that now. Tell him I won't try anything. He shouldn't worry so much."
Duo smiled. "No, he shouldn't, but he is really, really hot when he gets all possessive."
Heero blushed a deep red, remembering how much Duo loved it when he would get possessive.... It would always lead to some really kinky sex.... Duo noticed Heero's blush. "I'm sorry, ‘Ro."
Heero got himself back under control and smiled at his gorgeous friend. Even though they were both thirty now, they still looked like they were twenty-five. The only thing that had changed was that Heero was dealing with being alone, instead of falling apart at the seams, and Wufei and Duo were married. "I had a date the other night." Heero started up the conversation. Talking about his love life always made Duo laugh. He attracted the strangest people.
Duo laughed. "Who was it this time?"
Heero smirked and related the disastrous date from the night before, including the part when his date ‘accidentally’ tripped onto his lips. Duo smiled and laughed at all the right parts. They were friends and he was happy to at least have that.
*****
January 1, AC 206
Heero lay alone in the room that Quatre had given him the day after Christmas when he saw Duo for the first time since he returned. He didn't think there would be a time when he could be happy ever again. Duo was no longer in love with him. He would be alone always. How could he deal with this? What would he do if they got married? How could he handle his beloved being betrothed to another? Heero shakily searched his bag for the small black velvet box that he had hidden there the same night he moved into the room Quatre gave him. He found it, and swallowed. Then, he opened the box to look at the matching plain silver bands inside. They were both heavily made for a man's hand. Duo would have loved them. Heero dropped the box and curled himself into a tight ball, and cried himself to sleep for the second time since he returned.
~~~~~
Quatre sat there smiling and nodding, while Duo and Wufei talked about their new home. Wufei had bought it for Duo as a Christmas present, although, when Duo first found out about it, he was pissed. But now, now he couldn't be more happy at the way Wufei decorated it for them, the way it was built, everything. Wufei could not have made a better choice. This would have been the perfect evening, if he wasn't so distracted by Heero and the pain he emanated from the room upstairs. It was dark. So dark....
"Quatre?" Duo tried to get the blond's attention, while Wufei got up to get a warm towel for his head. Trowa looked worriedly at his husband. He was swaying in his seat.
Quatre started suddenly and his eyes came into focus. "What's wrong guys? You all look worried."
Trowa looked at Quatre with a raised eyebrow. "Quatre-love, you were swaying in your seat and you ignored Duo for five whole minutes. What just happened?"
Quatre looked perturbed for a moment and then spoke. "I was distracted.... Heero's in a lot of pain right now. Maybe I should go up and check on him," he finished worriedly.
Trowa frowned. "No, if he's affecting you from so far away, I think I should go. I'm the only neutral party here. Seeing Duo or Wufei would just hurt him more."
Quatre and Duo agreed, and Trowa left, just as Wufei walked in the room with the warmed cloth for Quatre. "Where's Trowa going?"
Duo sighed softly, hiding the hurt. "He's going up to see Heero. He's hurting, and it affected Quatre."
"Ah, are you all right, Zi ai?"
Duo looked up into the worried ebony. "Hai, I'm fine. It just hurts a bit. You know? Heero can't even be around me now. He must hate me," Duo finished sadly.
Wufei sat next to Duo and looked around for Quatre, finding him no longer sitting across from them, and he reassured Duo in the best way he could. "Duo, if he loves you as much as he says he does, then he could never hate you. He's just in a lot of pain right now. We've talked about this, about what he did to you, and as much as it pains me to say this you need him and he needs you. You need his friendship and he yours, and I will have to trust you, my zi ai. I will have to trust that the love we have is strong enough to survive this time of trial. I love you, zi ai. It'll be all right, I promise."
~~~~~
~knock knock!~
"Heero, may I come in? I think we need to talk," Trowa said through the locked door. Heero ignored Trowa, hoping that he would go away and leave him alone. "Heero, I'm coming in right now; you need to talk to some one, any one." Trowa kicked the door open, and was shocked to find Heero curled up in a ball at the foot of his bed. Trowa walked over to the bed and then stepped on something small. He bent down to pick it up, and then realized he was holding a small black jewelry box. Trowa set the box on the night stand, and sat on the bed near Heero. "Heero, you can't do this to yourself. You HAVE to move on. It isn't fair to you or Duo." Heero continued to be non-responsive to Trowa. Trowa sighed and picked up the jewelry box. "What is this, Heero?"
Heero looked up and started at what Trowa held in his hand. He grabbed the box from Trowa's hand quickly and cradled it to his chest lovingly. "Please, not right now, Trowa. Just leave me alone. Let me find my peace."
Trowa looked at the cornered animal that was Heero and made a decision. "Heero, we'll give you time, but pull out of it quick. It's hurting Duo *and* Quatre almost as much as it hurts you. Remember, we are all still your friends, even Chang. When you need us, come to us. We will always do our best to help you."
Heero thought about it for a while and nodded, still too raw to even speak. Then, he burrowed himself up underneath the warm quilts, while Trowa quietly left the room.
~TBC??~
Notes:
1. wo ai - my love
2. zi ai - purple love (Duo's pet name)
3. shi de, zi ai - yes purple love
4. shen me - what (I think ^^;;)
5. Ni shi bai chi - You are an idiot
Author: Jadeduo
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, mention of 3x4
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, and that's it......
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, and at ff.net under Jadeduo, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblidge!
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.
Notes: Well here is more of this craziness I don't know what's come over me..... Although I do know that Chibi-D won't let go of my leg still and is downright begging for more! Please tell me if I should even bother continuing! This part is dedicated to Tai, because even though she hates 5x2 she still wants more! ^^;; And of course this whole thing is Mako's fault, but I wuv her anyway! *huggles Mako* Thanks to everyone who sent me feedback and encouraged me to continue! I will try to get back to you ASAP, just so much going on right now thanks to this! *points down at angst muse who is attached to leg* *huggles everyone* ~Jadeduo
Special Notes:
~noises~
//thoughts//
***** - time and scene change
~~~~~ - scene change
You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight
You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can't even start to feel mine
Well, now standing in place
When my head bursts
Well, I shake, I shake
And I see your progress
Stretched out for miles and miles
~Could I Be You, Matchbox Twenty
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
-- Unknown
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
--David Weatherford
~Could I Be You~
*****
December 25, AC 205
Duo shuddered. "Heero, I love you. I always will, but I made a promise to Wufei, and myself, that if you ever came back, we could only be friends. I couldn't face it if you left me behind again, Heero. It would kill me. It almost killed me the first time. I'm sorry, Heero. I'm with Wufei, and I love him, and I've pledged my body, heart, and soul to him. I love you, Heero. I always will, but I've moved on. You need to too." Duo removed Heero's hands from his face and raised his chin to look into his broken eyes. "Heero, I love you. Goodbye." Duo leaned in and kissed Heero softly on the lips, and pulled back. "Move on. Find some one else, and come tell your best friend about it. I'll always be here for you, Heero. Goodbye." Duo stood and turned to walk out the door, leaving Heero alone, to think.
~~~~~
Duo walked from the room shakily. Wufei spotted him and ran up to support him. "Duo… Zi ai, are you all right? Does he know? Does he-- Does he want you back??" Wufei looked at his lover with hopeful and sad eyes.
Duo stopped walking and looked at his lover, with worry still etched across his face. "Fei-love, I told you already I won't leave you. I love you. Don't worry about Heero.... I love him. I always will, but I can never trust him again." Duo pulled the shaken Chinese man into a warm embrace.
Wufei sighed in relief. "I don't mean to doubt you. It's just, you-- you love him. And, I think as much as you love me, and as much as we have together, you will forget it and-- Duo, I was there when he left. I saw what it did to you; I never want it to happen again."
Duo smiled at his lover. "It won't, wo ai, (1) because now I have you, and you will never leave me."
Wufei smiled wanly, "Never by choice, zi ai." (2)
*****
January 1, AC 206
Duo smiled brilliantly at Quatre when he opened the door to greet his two friends. "Hey Kat, Happy New Year!"
Quatre smiled back, "Happy New Year, Duo!" He rushed out of the doorway and hugged Duo tightly. "How are you doing?"
Duo fidgeted out of the hug and looked into the worried aquamarine eyes. "I'm doing better, Kat. That was one hell of a Christmas party you held. I thought for sure that it might have been April Fool’s Day for a minute there!"
Quatre frowned thoughtfully. "Duo, you don't have to hide from me. I saw Heero there, too."
Duo sighed. "It's alright, Kat. I didn't have a relapse or anything. ‘Fei was there to help me through it, right lover??" Duo looked back teasingly at the Chinese man, who stood in the shadows behind Duo, waiting for the two best friends to finish greeting each other.
Wufei nodded in the affirmative. "Shi de, zi ai."(3)
Quatre beamed at the affection between the two. "Duo, Wufei, there's something I have to tell you before you go in though."
Duo cocked his head curiously. "What, Quatre?"
Quatre swallowed nervously. "It's Heero; he's here."
*****
December 25, AC 205
Heero sat alone in the dimly lit room with his thoughts. //Duo, god I didn't know! Things will never be the same again. I-- Oh god...// Heero buried his head in his hands. //Was I wrong in my estimation of what would have happened-- Would it really have killed him inside and out?? I know the only thing that kept me going was the thought of him in my arms again. Could I have done things differently? Would he have resented me? Does he resent me? I don't know. I can barely think. Duo, you were right about one thing. I was always more human than I seemed....//
~knock! knock!~
Quatre knocked on the door, and called out to Heero softly, just barely over the buzz of the party. "Heero, I know you're in there. Can I come in?"
Heero tried to get a hold of himself and called out resignedly to Quatre. "Hai."
Quatre rushed into the room and sat next to Heero, in the spot that Duo had occupied only moments before. "Heero, what happened?" Quatre asked gently, placing a hand on Heero's knee to ground him.
"Duo, he, he-- let me go." Heero choked up, his emotions still too raw from the encounter from before.
Quatre looked at Heero in sorrow. "Heero, what did you expect? You were gone for eight years. You never sent him anything, or gave him any indication that you were even alive. Just that note. You know it broke him, Heero. He’s been a shadow of his former self for a long time. Only in the past two years has Wufei been able to get through to him. I know that you don't want to hear this, Heero, but for your sake, and Duo's, maybe you should move on."
Heero gulped. "Quatre, I can't, I can't, live-- without him. I wouldn't know how. He was always the one I measured my emotions by. I've always counted on him. Quatre, I still love him, and I don't think I ever will stop. Please help me. I can't do this. I can't do it on my own. I can't be on my own. I'm afraid, Quatre. I'm afraid of what I will do without him."
Quatre looked sadly at his friend; once the strongest amongst them, now the weakest alone during peace time. "I will do my best, Heero. But for now, until we figure anything out, I think it would be best if you stayed with us. At least, until you sort yourself out."
Heero nodded dumbly and then curled up at the edge of the couch to try and get himself under control. Quatre sighed and stood, walked over to the opposite couch, and picked up the afghan lying across it. He eased the numb Heero into a more comfortable position and laid the afghan across his still form. "Heero, get some sleep. I'll make sure no one disturbs you. We'll talk tomorrow; hopefully, you will feel better then."
*****
January 1, AC 206
"Shen me!!??"(4) Wufei asked in confusion.
Quatre sighed and addressed both of his friends. "Duo, Wufei, I know it's been a long time since he was a part of our group. But, he always has been, and always will be. I also know the circumstances between you three, but he needs someone right now. The pain he emits, sometimes… It's just unbearable. I-I've promised to help him through this, help him get his head on straight. You two don't have to talk to him, but I think it would mean a lot to him if you did."
Duo looked down at his hands and sighed heavily. "Quatre, I-- I don't think this is a very good idea. I-- I still love him. I don't think I can--"
Quatre raised Duo face so he could look into his eyes. "Duo, he needs to be friends with you at least. He's promised to be good. He doesn't want to lose you entirely. Will you deny him that? Will you deny him what little happiness he has left?"
Duo rubbed his forehead to ease the tension headache that was slowly forming. "I won't. Just warn him. I'm still a little raw right now. Let's just keep it friendly, kay?"
Wufei wrapped his strong arms around his seemingly weaker lover. "Are you sure about this, zi ai?
"Hai, I'm sure, my dragon," Duo affirmed and softly kissed his lover, his anchor.
*****
December 26, AC 205
~knock knock~
"Heero? Are you up? It's me, Quatre. Can I come in?" Quatre called out softly.
Soldier instincts kicking in, Heero startled awake. "Yes, Quatre you can come in," he said stonily.
Quatre winced at the empty tone; it was just like during the war. There was nothing there. It was like the Heero that cried himself to sleep last night never existed. "Heero, don't do that. It's okay to be weak around us. We understand, really. Now, do you feel up to some breakfast?"
Heero nodded. "All right, let's go. Trowa is downstairs waiting for us." Quatre stood and walked out the room with Heero following, until they reached a charming little sunlit dining area, obviously made for no more than five or six people. Trowa sat there expectantly, waiting for Quatre to return, not expecting Heero to leave the parlor he had shut himself in last night. Trowa took in Heero's obviously broken form as he watched him enter behind his beautiful husband.
*Good morning, love. Good morning, Heero. You look like shit."
Heero smiled wanly. He wouldn't expect less than the truth from Trowa. They had an understanding. Maybe they should have a talk later - about this whole mess. "Thanks, Trowa."
Trowa nodded, and Quatre looked confusedly at them. They always had an understanding he could never understand. One day, he would ask Trowa about it. "Well, sit down, Heero. Is there anything you want?"
Heero cleared his throat, which was still raw from the night before. "Coffee, black, no sugar."
Quatre raised an eyebrow. "Heero, you have to eat more than that. I'll have the cook make you some eggs and toast. That should be sufficiently bland enough for you."
Heero grunted and nodded in assent. "So, Heero, where have you been all this time?"
Heero glared at Quatre, and then sighed. He had agreed to this, after all. "As you know, I've always kept a close eye on what goes on around the earth sphere and the colonies..... A year after the Mariemaia incident, something came up suspicious in one of my searches. So, I decided to go deep undercover and find out what was going on. I-- You have to understand I couldn't jeopardize Duo. Killing again-- it would have destroyed him. I couldn't stand to see Shinigami grinning at me again. He-- he would never admit it, but when Shinigami takes over, it hurts Duo, more than you can imagine."
Quatre sighed in disappointment at Heero's naivety. "Heero, you cold have told us. We could have helped. We would have done anything to stop a threat to the peace. Maybe Duo wouldn't have had to kill. Maybe we could have solved the problem together."
Heero flinched. "We couldn't have. They were tied in with the government. It would have destroyed the peace. I couldn't allow it to happen, Quatre. You are all so happy now - together, at peace. I couldn't force you, any of you, into that life again. It was easy for me. I'm the Perfect Soldier," he finished bitterly, sipping at the steaming black coffee.
Quatre blanched at the pain and bitterness emanating from Heero. "Heero? What happened? This isn't like you. Something had to have kept you away for eight years. Did the mission go wrong?"
Heero looked down into the coffee as black as Wufei's eyes. //Duo looks into those eyes with such love and devotion and I've lost that..... How can I take that from him? But, how can I live without him?// "It did. Quatre, I'm not ready to talk about the mission. I'm still a little raw from it. That and this whole Duo thing. Can we just be friends for a little while? Before any of this happened?"
Quatre looked worriedly at Heero. "Heero, you are going to have to deal with it. Duo and Wufei always come over for New Year’s Day. It's kind of a tradition...... You don't have to be here for it, but I think it would be nice to have us all together as group again."
Heero looked at Quatre with such pain in his eyes that even Trowa winced. "I don't think I can, Quatre. To see him happy and with Wufei. I-- I can't."
*****
January 1, AC 206
Heero and Trowa were standing in the dining room talking softly when Quatre, Wufei, and Duo entered the room. Heero looked up and focused on Duo, who bounced lively into the room. Not expecting his heart to drop to his stomach, Heero sat numbly in a nearby chair, and half sobbed. "Duo." As soon as his stomach would let him, he got up and left the room.
Quatre cried out after Heero. "Heero! No!" Trowa stepped up to his distraught husband and stopped him, rubbing his shoulders in silent support. "Trowa, he was fine, but then he saw Duo, and it felt like a black hole of pain, despair, and loneliness."
Duo's eyes misted slightly and he lent into Wufei for support. "I didn't know, Duo," Wufei said softly. "I always thought that he couldn't have loved you as much as you loved him. He looks like half the man I saw on Christmas."
Duo sobbed silently. "I know. I know. He has to move on, though. I can't do this with him. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Quatre. As much as I would love for us all to be friends again, I don't think it's possible. It just hurts us both too much."
Quatre sighed and left the comfort that his lover offered him to stand in front of Duo, eyes blazing. "Duo Maxwell! Don't you dare give up on the friendship you two share! You were best friends before you were lovers! Just give him some time. Seeing you happy and with someone else kills him. It's eating him from the inside out. He'll just have to work at it. Please, if not for yourself, do it for me. When he's ready to, be his best friend again," Quatre finished softly.
Duo moved from Wufei's embrace and hugged the shaking Quatre. "I'll try, Kat. That's all I can promise right now. Now, let's get this party going. Maybe we can coax Heero downstairs later."
Quatre smiled. "All right, Duo. We do need some stress relief. Especially, as of late."
*****
December 26, AC 203
Duo blinked, and took in his surroundings. It was always like this when he woke up from one of his drunken stupors - with a hangover the size of L2. //Where am I? What happened last night? I remember Kat's party and then it's all a blur from there.//
~knock knock~
"Duo?" Wufei called through the door. "Can I come in? I have coffee for you."
//I'm at Fei's? God, he must have had to clean me up or rescue me from another drunken fight. Why can't I just end it all? Why do I shame myself in front of him and the others....//
"Duo?"
Startled from his thoughts, Duo croaked out. "Yeah, come in, Fei."
Wufei walked into the sparsely decorated room, carrying a tray with black coffee, aspirin, and dry toast. "I figured you wouldn't be too hungry after last night, so I brought some toast. You do need to eat though." Wufei looked pointedly at Duo's emaciated form.
Duo sighed resignedly. "I know." They sat in silence for a moment while Duo drank his coffee after swallowing two aspirin. "Wufei, what happened last night? I-- I don't remember much."
Wufei sighed. He knew Duo would ask. He did every time Wufei had to bring him home after a drunken incident. "You tried to kill yourself again. At Quatre's party."
Duo smiled wanly. "I guess I didn't succeed again."
Wufei snarled. "Ni shi bai chi! (5) Maxwell! I-- you! I don't know what to do with you! You promised me! You promised you would stop this! That you would stop trying to kill yourself! You promised me you would find something to live for!" Wufei started crying softly. "Duo, I love you. I only want to see you happy. Please stop it. Stop it! No more morbid jokes. Stop putting up that stupid mask. We don't believe it anymore. Not since Heero left!"
Duo frowned at the normally cool and collected Wufei. //What happened last night? Did I really promise Wufei all that?// "Fei," he said softly. "I need to know now. What really happened last night? I don't remember much. It's a little hazy."
Wufei sniffled, and then, got himself back under his tight control. "Duo, you promised that you would find something to live for. And I-- I...."
"You told me you loved me," Duo finished in awe as the evening before came back to him in a rush.
"I did," Wufei affirmed. "So, what are you going to do now, Duo?"
"I don't know."
*****
December 1, AC 210
Heero sat at the outdoor café, waiting for his best friend and ex-lover. It had taken a very long time to come to terms with it, but he had. He could love Duo from afar, as long as he was happy. They made it a point to meet for lunch or do something friendly once a week. When he first came back, things hadn't gone as well as he had hoped. He had found out that Duo and Wufei were together and that he was no longer wanted or needed. Well, that wasn't right. Duo couldn't trust him, and in turn, couldn't love him. So, they went back to being best friends, but it hadn't come to them easily. Being alone without Duo was like learning to breathe again. They had to take it one day at a time, and it was painful.
Duo walked up to Heero, who didn't look to be all there. //Hmm, I wonder what he's thinking about....// Duo smiled mischievously and snuck up on his best friend, and covered Heero's eyes with his hands. "Guess who?"
Heero jumped at the sound of Duo's husky tenor. "Duo!" Heero removed the hands from his eyes and got up to hug the braided man. "I was wondering when you were going to show up! You're late!" Duo removed himself from Heero's arms and sat down across from him. Heero sat down, a little hurt by the way Duo was acting, but said nothing. Sometimes, he would get in these moods. He would just have to play it by ear.
"Sorry, Heero, I should have called, but I--" Duo blushed.
Heero sighed. They always avoided Wufei when they talked. It was always better that way. They could forget for just a little while all the baggage and be good friends again. "It's alright, Duo. I understand if he made you late. You are lovers. I know that now. Tell him I won't try anything. He shouldn't worry so much."
Duo smiled. "No, he shouldn't, but he is really, really hot when he gets all possessive."
Heero blushed a deep red, remembering how much Duo loved it when he would get possessive.... It would always lead to some really kinky sex.... Duo noticed Heero's blush. "I'm sorry, ‘Ro."
Heero got himself back under control and smiled at his gorgeous friend. Even though they were both thirty now, they still looked like they were twenty-five. The only thing that had changed was that Heero was dealing with being alone, instead of falling apart at the seams, and Wufei and Duo were married. "I had a date the other night." Heero started up the conversation. Talking about his love life always made Duo laugh. He attracted the strangest people.
Duo laughed. "Who was it this time?"
Heero smirked and related the disastrous date from the night before, including the part when his date ‘accidentally’ tripped onto his lips. Duo smiled and laughed at all the right parts. They were friends and he was happy to at least have that.
*****
January 1, AC 206
Heero lay alone in the room that Quatre had given him the day after Christmas when he saw Duo for the first time since he returned. He didn't think there would be a time when he could be happy ever again. Duo was no longer in love with him. He would be alone always. How could he deal with this? What would he do if they got married? How could he handle his beloved being betrothed to another? Heero shakily searched his bag for the small black velvet box that he had hidden there the same night he moved into the room Quatre gave him. He found it, and swallowed. Then, he opened the box to look at the matching plain silver bands inside. They were both heavily made for a man's hand. Duo would have loved them. Heero dropped the box and curled himself into a tight ball, and cried himself to sleep for the second time since he returned.
~~~~~
Quatre sat there smiling and nodding, while Duo and Wufei talked about their new home. Wufei had bought it for Duo as a Christmas present, although, when Duo first found out about it, he was pissed. But now, now he couldn't be more happy at the way Wufei decorated it for them, the way it was built, everything. Wufei could not have made a better choice. This would have been the perfect evening, if he wasn't so distracted by Heero and the pain he emanated from the room upstairs. It was dark. So dark....
"Quatre?" Duo tried to get the blond's attention, while Wufei got up to get a warm towel for his head. Trowa looked worriedly at his husband. He was swaying in his seat.
Quatre started suddenly and his eyes came into focus. "What's wrong guys? You all look worried."
Trowa looked at Quatre with a raised eyebrow. "Quatre-love, you were swaying in your seat and you ignored Duo for five whole minutes. What just happened?"
Quatre looked perturbed for a moment and then spoke. "I was distracted.... Heero's in a lot of pain right now. Maybe I should go up and check on him," he finished worriedly.
Trowa frowned. "No, if he's affecting you from so far away, I think I should go. I'm the only neutral party here. Seeing Duo or Wufei would just hurt him more."
Quatre and Duo agreed, and Trowa left, just as Wufei walked in the room with the warmed cloth for Quatre. "Where's Trowa going?"
Duo sighed softly, hiding the hurt. "He's going up to see Heero. He's hurting, and it affected Quatre."
"Ah, are you all right, Zi ai?"
Duo looked up into the worried ebony. "Hai, I'm fine. It just hurts a bit. You know? Heero can't even be around me now. He must hate me," Duo finished sadly.
Wufei sat next to Duo and looked around for Quatre, finding him no longer sitting across from them, and he reassured Duo in the best way he could. "Duo, if he loves you as much as he says he does, then he could never hate you. He's just in a lot of pain right now. We've talked about this, about what he did to you, and as much as it pains me to say this you need him and he needs you. You need his friendship and he yours, and I will have to trust you, my zi ai. I will have to trust that the love we have is strong enough to survive this time of trial. I love you, zi ai. It'll be all right, I promise."
~~~~~
~knock knock!~
"Heero, may I come in? I think we need to talk," Trowa said through the locked door. Heero ignored Trowa, hoping that he would go away and leave him alone. "Heero, I'm coming in right now; you need to talk to some one, any one." Trowa kicked the door open, and was shocked to find Heero curled up in a ball at the foot of his bed. Trowa walked over to the bed and then stepped on something small. He bent down to pick it up, and then realized he was holding a small black jewelry box. Trowa set the box on the night stand, and sat on the bed near Heero. "Heero, you can't do this to yourself. You HAVE to move on. It isn't fair to you or Duo." Heero continued to be non-responsive to Trowa. Trowa sighed and picked up the jewelry box. "What is this, Heero?"
Heero looked up and started at what Trowa held in his hand. He grabbed the box from Trowa's hand quickly and cradled it to his chest lovingly. "Please, not right now, Trowa. Just leave me alone. Let me find my peace."
Trowa looked at the cornered animal that was Heero and made a decision. "Heero, we'll give you time, but pull out of it quick. It's hurting Duo *and* Quatre almost as much as it hurts you. Remember, we are all still your friends, even Chang. When you need us, come to us. We will always do our best to help you."
Heero thought about it for a while and nodded, still too raw to even speak. Then, he burrowed himself up underneath the warm quilts, while Trowa quietly left the room.
~TBC??~
Notes:
1. wo ai - my love
2. zi ai - purple love (Duo's pet name)
3. shi de, zi ai - yes purple love
4. shen me - what (I think ^^;;)
5. Ni shi bai chi - You are an idiot