Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ What Might Have Been ❯ Blurry ( Chapter 3 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Jadeduo 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 11.05.2003 | Updated On: 04.16.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 6.3K | Visits: 202 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 11.05.2003 | Updated On: 04.16.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 6.3K | Visits: 202 | Status: Work In Progress
Title: What Might Have Been - Blurry, 3/3 or 3/? You decide!!
Author: Jadeduo
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, mention of 3x4
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, and that's it......
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, and at ff.net under Jadeduo, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblidge!
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.
Notes: Well here is more of this craziness I don't know what's come over me..... Although I do know that Chibi-D won't let go of my leg still and is downright begging for more! Please tell me if I should even bother continuing! This is still Mako's fault although she is getting mad at me for making her feel sorry for Heero.... *giggles* Which is just too funny, cause it makes Neko mad. I have a general idea where this is going but I'm not sure how it will end, Chibi-D has given me three possible endings... *bangs head on keyboard* And I don't know what to do, so maybe you guys can help! I'm going to put the three possible end pairings at the bottom and mayhap you could tell me what your fave is when you R&R.... *gives chibi-eyes* Pwease!!! Anywho on with the angst! *huggles* Jadeduo
Special Notes:
~noises~
//thoughts//
***** - time and scene change
~~~~~ - scene change
Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
~Blurry, By: Puddle of Mudd
~Blurry~
January 2, AC 205
Quatre looked worriedly at Heero, who stood in the doorway of the small breakfast room with his duffle bag, packed, in hand. "Heero, where are you going?"
Heero looked at Quatre stonily. "I'm leaving; I can't stay here any longer. I'm going to go see Relena, and then I'm going to find something to give me peace. I thought Duo would be my peace for a long time, but he has found his and it is without me."
Trowa smiled softly in ascent, but Quatre just bore holes through Heero's head with his glare. "I can't believe this! Heero, you are in no condition to do this right now! Duo tried this too, and it didn't work. He fell apart! You can't get through losing someone you love so dearly by yourself, Heero! I know! I've seen the way he looks at you, and you look at him! This isn't right! You should stay here; give yourself time to heal."
Heero smiled softly at Quatre. "And what did Duo say to that, Kat?"
Quatre's face fell in defeat. "Fine. Do what you want, Heero, but I'm not going to let you get to the point that Duo did. The first time I have to bail you out of jail from a drunken fight is the last time I let you leave this estate. Got it? You know you two are too stubborn for your own good, right?"
Heero looked at Quatre brokenly. "Hai, I know, but I have to find my own way. If I don't, I'll just let myself rot here in the misery and suffering. Thank you, Quatre, Trowa. Please give my love to Duo, and my respect to Chang." With that, Heero left the mansion like a ghost that was never there.
*****
December 26, AC 203
Duo and Wufei sat on the bed in silence, both thinking of the future, the past, and what they would do now. Wufei studied the broken form before him. Duo had never looked this bad before. He hadn't eaten anything real in months; he was all skin and bones. His eyes had this haunted dreamy look, as if he felt that he would wake up sometime from this nightmare. He radiated sadness and pain. The man before him was not the manic Shinigami he knew during the war, nor was he the good friend he had gained after it. The man before him was broken by the hardship and pain of five years; the day that Heero left. "Duo?"
Duo looked up at Wufei, tears dripping from his too large violet eyes in a sunken face. "Wha - at?"
"We need to figure out what you are going to do with yourself now that you've decided to take control of your life." Wufei looked at Duo expectantly.
Duo studied his hands, not wanting to face the upcoming challenge of getting his life back in order. "I don't know, Wufei. I-- I don't know what to do with myself now. I want to be able to let go, but I-I love him so much. I don't even know how to take the first step."
Wufei frowned and then took a deep breath; this would take some convincing. "Well, first of all, I think you need to move out of that apartment you've been living in for the past five years, and move into the guest bedroom here. Wallowing in the place you were happy with Heero can't be good for your sanity. I promise I won't try anything, that would be-- dishonourable. I've also talked to Quatre about this; we think you need to be seeing a psychiatrist."
"No! I'm not crazy!" Duo yelled at Wufei petulantly.
Wufei sighed. "No, you're not, Duo. We just thought that you would want someone else to talk to - a neutral party, if you will. We aren't able to help you. God knows we've tried... Duo, we just want you to get better. Will you agree to these terms? Will you agree to let us help you get on the right track? It won't work if you resist this; if you don't do this to help yourself."
Duo sat there and thought a while. He never lied, and he had promised Wufei; he had promised that he would try to move on. To get his life back together. If doing these things would get them off his back for a while, he would do them, but he would not give up his and Heero's apartment. The others wouldn't have to know. He just couldn't let go what little he had left of Heero. This would be the one thing that he could hold onto. "Okay, Wufei. Okay."
*****
January 2, AC 205
Relena stood up to calmly greet Heero, who stood awkwardly in front of her. "Heero! It is so good to see you. Where have you been all this time? We've missed you. Have you seen Duo yet? He's missed you."
Heero blanched at the cutting statement. "I'm sorry, Relena. I--"
Relena smiled. "I'm sorry, Heero. Sit down. You obviously came here for a reason. Now, how can I help you?"
Heero sat down in the elegant surroundings, uncomfortable. "Relena, I--" Heero buried his head in his hands, unsure of asking her for a favor after all of this time; after all he had put her and everyone else through these last few years. Relena, sensing his dilemma, removed his hands from his head and smiled.
"Heero, it's alright to need help. Tell me. What is it?" she asked kindly.
Heero gazed into her sincere cornflower blue eyes. "I'm so sorry, Relena, to ask you this, but-- I need help. Quatre offered, but I-- I can't bring myself to spend time around them. It-- it hurts too much. Would you-- I need help finding a new apartment. I'm pretty sure Duo sold ours after I left, and I--"
Relena smiled sympathetically. "I can help you with that, Heero. I'll call my realtor. I'm sure we can work something out in one minute." Relena left the room quickly, returning with an address and a name for Heero. "Here you go, Heero. The address is on that card, as well as my personal phone number. You can reach me there day or night. If you go now, you'll be able to make your one o'clock appointment. Her name is Cynthia. Be good, Heero, and don't drive the woman too crazy."
Heero smiled brilliantly and gave the shocked Relena a firm hug. "Thank you, Relena! I hope that we can be good friends again." With that, he left the room. After he left, Relena sat in her seat, dazed. She had dreamed of the moment that Heero would show so much emotion, and it wasn't because of her. It would never be because of her. It was because of Duo; it would always be Duo.
~~~~~
Cynthia stood up from her desk to greet her newest client sent over by Miss Relena herself. Heero Yuy was more mesmerizing than she would have imagined, but she had a job to do, and she had promised Miss Relena that she would do her best. "Hello, Mr. Yuy. Please, have a seat. Now, what do you think you will be looking for?"
Heero studied the neatly dressed woman before him. She was older; maybe mid-thirties, but she radiated confidence in her abilities. Heero was sure that he would be able to trust her. "You may call me Heero, Cynthia. I'm looking for a two bedroom one bath apartment, with a galley kitchen, and maybe a living room/dining area attached. Something simple and in a neighborhood that is close to my friends."
Cynthia nodded in ascent. She knew who Heero's friends were. Miss Relena had informed her of the situation when she called. This could prove to be a stressful day for her. "Okay. First, I'll need some references from your previous place of residence, and some basic financial information so we can get started." Heero gave her the basic information and she typed it into her computer to see what she could find. Then, something popped up on her screen that shocked her. "Mr. Yuy - I mean, Heero, it says here that you already have a place of residence here in London."
Heero started from his chair and looked at the information displayed on the screen. It was the address to his and Duo's old apartment. Duo had kept it. What should he do? The apartment by right was still half his, but he had left Duo with it. He had expected the violet-eyed man to sell it by now, especially since he lived with Wufei now in their new home. Heero shuddered in pain and shrunk down in his seat. Duo had kept their home........ Why?
"Mr. Yuy, are you all right?"
Heero startled from his pain induced stupor. "I'm sorry, Cynthia. I need to make a phone call. Can I use your phone, and maybe your office, for a few minutes?"
"Certainly. I'll return shortly. Just make sure it's local," she said and left the room.
"Thank you," Heero murmured and he dialed Duo and Wufei's number.
~Ring! Ring!~
"Hallo!" Duo said energetically into the phone.
Heero swallowed nervously. "Duo?"
Duo turned a ghostly pale hue. "Heero? What did you want?"
Heero trembled at the pain in the voice on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry, Duo, but I'm at the realtors office looking for an apartment. And-and, I found out that you kept our place. I-I I'm not presuming anything, Duo. I just wanted to know… s-since you live with Wufei… would it be okay for me to live there?" Heero swallowed, trembling from the pain he hadn't wanted to deal with right then.
Duo's heart sunk to his feet. //But, that-that is my special place. I go there to pull myself back together. What am I going to do; say no? Then he will know. God! I don't want to deal with this! I can't just turn him out on the street! I guess I'll have to let him have it. Maybe, maybe we can work something out.// "Heero? I-I still use the apartment. If you don't mind me popping up once in a while and locking myself in the bedroom, it's all yours," Duo said seriously.
Heero sighed. This could be bad, but he could never deny Duo anything. "You are always welcome to stay with me Duo."
Duo sighed. "Thanks, Heero. Would you mind taking the guest bedroom? I-I have some stuff in the master bedroom I don't want anyone to see.... Now, I had some stuff to do today.... Did you need a key?"
"Okay, Duo. I'll leave it alone, and no I don't need a key. I still have one. I'll see you around, Duo," Heero said hopefully.
"Yeah, Heero, I guess you will," Duo murmured resignedly.
*****
January 15, AC 204
"So, Duo, how have you been feeling lately? Has the medication helped?"
Duo sat in the comfortable office of the psychiatrist that Quatre had recommended. //God! I don't want to be here. I want to be at home with Heero! There I go again! Heero's gone! He left me; alone!//
The psychiatrist looked in concern at her patient. He always did this during their sessions - blocked her out. How did his friends deal with all of the pain this poor young soul radiated? He was like half a person. "Duo? I need your full attention during our sessions. You don't seem to be dealing with this very well. Do I need to back off?"
Duo jumped out of his stupor, and looked at the kindly older women before him. "I'm sorry, Sherah. I-I, I was thinking about him again."
Sherah sighed. This was going to be long session. "Duo, we've talked about this. You can't keep focusing on the past. You have to focus on the future. I know you loved him, but you can't keep doing this to yourself, your friends - the people that love you."
Duo raked his messy bangs through with his hands. He had to get through this. She was right, but how would he do it? How could he just forget? About Heero, about how much they loved each other? Duo shuddered in pain. "I'm sorry, Sherah. I just-- You know, it's hard for me. He was my world. He was the only reason I kept living after the war. I would have killed myself long ago if there wasn't still some small chance that he might come home to me, alive."
"Duo, you never told me exactly how it happened. I know only as much as Quatre has told me, and you have been decidedly tight-lipped about it. What could have made him leave? From what you've told me, you were his entire world, and I believe he would have self-destructed at war's end had it not been for your influence."
Duo sighed. He figured this would come up. "I don't know much. It was the day after Christmas. I woke up alone; although, it would happen more often than not, because He-Heero… he would go on a long jog once a day, usually in the morning. So, I didn't think much of it. I went to our small kitchen and found some coffee waiting for me. He-he always would make coffee for us before he went out. I sat at the kitchen table, drinking my coffee, and that's when I noticed the note. It was written so matter-of-factly. Here. Read it.” Duo pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, worn thin and messy with dried tears. He handed it to her like it was a treasure of great value.
Duo-love,
I had some unfinished business I needed to take care of. If I'm not back by the New Year, I'm sorry. Sorry for all the chances I will miss to show you that I love you. Please, be happy. Try and find someone new to love. I was never really worth your love anyway. Maybe I will be back someday, but the future can never be certain. I wanted to let you know that I never expected to live beyond the first war, and it is all thanks to you that I have known joy and love. If I don't come back, presume me dead.
Ai shiteru, Shinigami. Eien ni,
Heero
The psychiatrist teared up. This was not what she had expected of the man that had been described to her. Many said he had been cold-hearted and never really loved this vibrant emotional man before her. How could she believe that? How could they? Duo was an emotional man. How could she doubt the man he loved would be just as emotional? Well, probably because he was good at hiding it.... "Duo, I didn't know. How many people have seen this?"
Duo shrugged nonchalantly, and snatched it from her trembling hands. "You, maybe the guys. I don't know. You're the only person I've shown it to willingly. I know he really loved me, and I'm positive he still loves me. But, I have no idea where he is now, or if he's even alive. It kills me feeling this helpless."
Sherah sighed. This could take longer than she had hoped. Things were much more complex now. "Duo, why didn't you go after him?"
Duo sighed. "He didn't want me too. He had his reasons. I was so angry at first, ya know? I didn't ever want to see him again, and then the despair set in. I've searched high and low for him and never found him. I still have a search going on him till this day. All my leads have been dead ends. He had already moved on, or it wasn't even him. I don't know what the unfinished business was, but I'm pretty sure it was a mission. Something that was so horrible he didn't want to involve me in it - something personal. I don't know, Doc.... And, now, there's Wufei. I can't just keep stringing him along. He's my friend, and I do love him, in a way. It's just different from the way I love Heero, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on."
"Duo, from what Wufei has told me, he loves you very much. But-- he would never force you into a relationship you aren't ready for. Maybe you should test the waters. Go slowly. Let yourself learn about who Wufei is. Find out why he loves you, and just follow your emotions. Duo, five years is a long time to be alone, and I know you might not want to hear this, but-- Heero wanted you to be happy, not to be on the brink of death almost everyday. Ready to drown yourself in sorrow. Think about it, Duo. What did Heero say?"
Duo shuddered. "H-he wanted me to be happy; to find someone else. I just don't think I'll ever be ready for that. Even after all this time, I still love him."
"And does Wufei know that?"
"He does." Duo swallowed.
"And he still wants to be with you - even though you love another and probably always will."
"Yes," Duo murmured, unsure of himself.
"Then, maybe you should give it a shot with Wufei. See how it makes you feel. This could be your very first step towards moving on."
"I can try."
*****
January 2, AC 205
Heero stood before the door of his and Duo's old apartment, afraid. Afraid of what lie in store for him when he opened the door. //Will it be different? Did he put pictures of him and Wufei up? Is it completely different from what I remember? Oh god! I shouldn't do this to myself. I should open the damn door! Am I really ready for this? Duo, I love you so much. Why did you keep this place so full of memories? Memories of us? Don't you want to forget? Didn't you want to forget? How did you deal with this pain everyday? It's so consuming. It hurts to take every step. I-I. Damnit! That's it! I'm going in!// Heero turned the key in the lock and opened the door.
Heero reached for the light by the door and illuminated the small, but neat, apartment. Nothing had changed. It was like he never left. The pictures of them together, even the outdated appliances. Everything was as it was the day he left the other half of his soul behind. He stood there in awe, and thought, // Why would Duo keep it like this? Why would he? He is with Chang now, right? He still loves me. He has to. There is no other explanation for this. But he told me that… the day he let me go. God, I'm such a screw up!// Heero slammed the door shut and locked it behind him, then sunk down on the sofa he and Duo bought all those years ago when they first moved in. They had been so happy on that day. But that was then, and now... and now....
As Duo had said, they were ghosts now. Ghosts that were trying to make a present for themselves with the past slowing them down. Waiting for crucial moment when they were at there most vulnerable to strike. "What have I done?" Heero sobbed and curled himself up into the well worn couch. He cried, letting all the hurt and pain leak out, until he was empty and could finally sleep at peace.
*****
January 15, AC 204
Duo snuck into Wufei's neat apartment, hoping Wufei wouldn't notice that he was home. "Duo, you're home. So, how as your appointment?"
Duo cringed. //Damnit!// "Erm, fine, Fei.... Nothing too exciting. Same ole, same ole..."
Wufei wrinkled his nose. Duo was hiding again. "Duo, you don't have to hide from me. I mean, if you don't like Dr. Sherah, then we can find another psychiatrist..."
Duo sat down across from his friend. "No, no, it's not that at all. I like Sherah. She just gave me some stuff to think about. You know, about Heero, and... you."
Wufei sighed. "Duo, you don't have to talk about it. I would like to know what she said to you to distract you this much, but I won't pry."
Duo looked into the sincere ebony eyes staring at him from across the coffee table. He could do this. "Wufei.... she... erm.... I don't know how to say this..." Duo blushed to the tip of his braid. "She suggested I give 'us' a shot," he blurted out before he could stop himself.
Wufei gasped and his cheeks tinged a light pink color. "Duo- I- would love to give 'us' a shot, but if you're not ready, it will just end up hurting us both, and you will be worse off than you were before."
Duo hugged himself tightly. "I know, Fei. It's just.... I want to feel again. Anything... Anything, but this constant pain in my chest.... I want to smile for no reason. I want to be held and loved. And I can really think of no other person besides Heero who could do that for me. Fei, I do feel for you, and it could be more, but I'm not sure I will ever really be truly ready for 'us.' I mean, could you truly be happy with me even though I will always love another? And can I do that to you? Make you suffer so I could be happy?"
Wufei crossed the room and sat closely next to his braided friend. "Duo, I love you, and I would be happy with whatever you have to give." Wufei leaned in and kissed Duo softly on the lips; not in a demanding way, but in a giving way. "When you feel you are ready to give me that chance, I will be here. I love you. You are my Zi ai."
Duo blushed deeply, and shuddered. "Thank you, Fei. I will think about this for a while, and then talk to Sherah about it when I see her." Duo kissed Wufei on the cheek quickly and breezed out of the room to take sanctuary in his own.
*****
January 3, AC 205
Heero woke up the next morning on the couch, still huddled in on himself. He was stiff and sore from the uncomfortable position he had fallen asleep in. //What? Where am I? The couch? Why would I be sleeping on the couch?// Heero thought groggily, and then the past few years came crashing back to him.... Heero got up slowly and walked into the kitchen, looking for something to make coffee with. To his surprise, the kitchen was fully stocked with non-perishables, including the brand of coffee that he would make every morning for the two of them. //Why would Duo have food here? What is going on? Why would Duo do this? I thought.... This is so strange....// Heero sighed and set the coffee brewing and walked into the living room to get his duffel and headed for the small bathroom.
Heero opened the door to find the bathroom as well stocked as the kitchen. There were clean towels sitting on the rack, as well as Duo's shampoo and conditioner sitting on the tub's edge. Heero sighed and turned on the shower head. Giving adequate time for the water to heat up, he stripped, and stepped into the shower. Heero leaned against the cool wall and let the steaming water wash away the stress and pain from the last couple of days. He stood like that for a while and then grabbed for the nearest shampoo bottle, not realizing it was Duo's.
Heero scrubbed his scalp efficiently, and then the vanilla scent of the shampoo wafted down from his scalp to his nose. The scent reminded him of Duo and all of the times he had spent smelling that vanilla scented hair of his.... That lead to other things, and his mind wandered to thoughts of Duo laying naked next to him, both sated after a long session of love-making, his hair spread out all around them; cocooning them from the rest of the world. Heero sighed as he felt his erection stir to life from the combination of scents and memories. He ignored it for the moment and rinsed his hair of the vanilla scented shampoo, then proceeded to methodically scrub himself with the soap that had already been sitting in the soap dish. Heero finished washing everywhere but his swollen need. The warm water only enhanced the feel of being touched everywhere by warm hands. Heero gave up all pretense and let the memories take him.
Heero pictured their first night together - the passion, the soft kisses, the love, the gentleness. Heero moaned as wrapped his calloused fingers around his firm erection, pumping the satin over steel and bringing images to mind of Duo and him together making love. Heero felt the water caress him as only Duo would; lingering phantom touches that only served to arouse him further. He grasped his erection and squeezed tightly, welcoming the slight pain and continued to pump slowly. "Duo, please...... Oh god!"
He slumped down to the shower floor and spread his legs, fondling his sac before moving slowly to the hidden entrance that only Duo had explored. Heero circled his soap slick finger slowly around the quivering entrance, while stroking his shaft slowly. He plunged the finger slowly and set up a steady rhythm to match the cock thrusting into his hand. Heero moaned in abandon and pictured his Duo thrusting slowly into him, savouring their lovemaking, those beautiful violet eyes darkened in lust and moaning his name. Heero moaned loudly as his finger hit his prostate hard, triggering his and the imaginary Duo's climax at the same time. White spots flashed behind his eyes as he screamed Duo's name, leaving Heero sated, but empty, and once again alone....
*****
January 17, AC 204
Duo and Wufei sat inside the psychiatrist's office quietly, not speaking to one another, deep in their own thoughts. Duo squirmed and fiddled with his braid as he sat next to onyx-eyed man, studying his brooding countenance. //Can I do this? Do I really have the courage to move on without him, to love someone else? Was Sherah right? Is Fei exactly what I need right now? Someone to love me and cherish me, even though my full attention will not always be there? I love him as a friend, that’s for sure, and now that I look at him, yes, there could be more. He respects me, he even loves me with all of my weaknesses. How can my weak caring and love be enough for this strong-willed person? But then again, what do I have to lose?//
Wufei stared at the bland beige wall in the waiting area of the psychiatrist's office. He sat there, still and thoughtful, not fully comprehending this whole strange situation he was in. //I love Duo, and by God I haven't figured out how the braided fool has wormed his way into my heart, but it has happened. What is wrong with me hoping for more? For needing someone? Nataku, it is weak! I can't need him.// Wufei studied the elfin profile and was lost. //He is beautiful inside and out. I never had a chance. Nataku, I know you are laughing at me somewhere up there for being in love with half a man, who is just as bright when half of his soul is lost. I love you, Duo, and I will do everything in my power to prove it to you.//
They both turned to each other, and said, "We need to talk." Duo blushed, and Wufei took the initiative.
"Duo, I love you, and I really want to give this a chance." Wufei looked at Duo hopefully, while Duo wrung his hands nervously.
"I would like to try to, Fei, but-- but-- we are going to have to take things very slowly. I can't just jump into this head first, yanno? I want to have with you what I had with-- He-- him, but it's going to take a lot of time and patience with me. I'll need all the support you can muster."
Wufei pulled Duo abruptly into a strong embrace, and whispered softly into his ear. "It'll be alright, Duo. Whatever you need, I will give it my all. I can be just as stubborn as you, Duo Maxwell, when I fall in love."
Duo smiled. "I know, Fei. That's why I'm moving out of the old apartment and into yours, permanently. This will be our first step towards loving each other the way we deserve to be loved. Is that okay, Fei?" Duo asked hesitantly.
Wufei could only hold Duo tighter. "Yes! Duo! This is-- this is more than I would have ever asked for. I will do whatever it takes for you to trust what we have. Zi ai, I love you."
*****
January 3, AC 205
Heero spent the day puttering around the apartment, trying to stop the memories. But they wouldn't stop, and by late afternoon, he was driven to distraction. Heero slumped down on the bed in the guest room where he had put his stuff down. //What have I done? How could I do this to myself? How can I live without him? I have to find something to do with myself, otherwise I will drive myself mad. I know for sure that Duo does not want me out of his life, but to what extent does he still need me. He's happy. He has Wufei. I screwed up! It's all my fault! I loved him and I threw it away!// Heero let the tears fall silently and he curled into himself and then the phone rang loudly. He ignored it as long as he could, but it just wouldn't stop. //It has to be Quatre....// Heero rolled to his side, wiped his tears on the quilt, and answered the phone by the bed.
"Hello? Heero? How are you?" Quatre asked sunnily.
"Hello, Quatre. How did you know I was here?" Prussian blue eyes narrowed in on the bright aquamarine.
Quatre smiled disarmingly. "I called Duo yesterday, and he told me you would be staying at your old apartment. I just wanted to see how you were doing. The place kind of creeps me out."
Heero looked at the shrine to their relationship and looked at Quatre. "It is kind of creepy. It's like I never left...." Heero trailed off.
Quatre sighed. "Yeah, Duo had a hard time letting go when you left Heero. He kept it that way a long time, never leaving, unless to get drunk - until he moved in with Wufei. He still goes there sometimes to be by himself. Just keep out of his way when he does. He's not pleasant to be around when he's like that.... Anyway, I called to offer you a job, just so you don't drive yourself to distraction in that place. So what do you say, Heero?"
Heero looked off to the side to stare at the picture of him and Duo together, remembering the day they had hung the picture in the tiny guest room. "I kind of like it. It's nice to know that Duo still loves me, but you are right. I will go mad if I'm stuck here for too long. I'll take it as long as it's a desk job."
Quatre smiled brightly. "Exactly what I had in mind. How would you like to be in charge of network security at WEI?"
Heero bestowed a tiny smile on the exuberant blond. "I would love to, Quatre. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. Eight AM?"
"That's fine, Heero. Goodnight."
Heero looked startled at the blank screen. //It's night? I-- oh-- Duo...// Heero curled up under the quilt he had fallen asleep on and wrapped the bedclothes around him to protect him from the pain and hurt. "Duo, I love you. I'm sorry...." Heero whispered out to the night, as if the one he loved would hear and return to him.
*****
January 19, AC 204
Duo and Wufei had spent most of the day moving Duo's most important items out of the old apartment and into his room at Fei's. They were both exhausted and went to bed early. Wufei passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow, while Duo lay awake in his room confused and alone. "I'm so sorry, Heero. I know I promised myself that I would wait for you, but-- I don't even know for sure if you are still alive. Why did you leave me? You promised - you promised you would always be there for me! I-- You know, I would give anything to see you again. My one and only, I love you. I will always be with you. But-- but-I can't go on like this. I love you. I'm sorry..." Duo whispered into the night hoping someway, somehow, Heero would hear, and return to him.
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Potential End Pairings
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1. 1x2x5
2. 5x2, 1x6
3. Unrequited 1x2 (note this would make the end VERY sad)
Author: Jadeduo
Pairings: Past 1x2, Present 5x2, mention of 3x4
Warnings: ANGST! SAP! Suicidal Duo, swearing, songfic, and that's it......
Archives: Soon to be at my site, Death and the Soldier, and at ff.net under Jadeduo, anywhere else just ask! I will be happy to oblidge!
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, poor. Blah blah, blah, no own anything Gundam Wing. Blah, blah, blah, *pouts*.
Notes: Well here is more of this craziness I don't know what's come over me..... Although I do know that Chibi-D won't let go of my leg still and is downright begging for more! Please tell me if I should even bother continuing! This is still Mako's fault although she is getting mad at me for making her feel sorry for Heero.... *giggles* Which is just too funny, cause it makes Neko mad. I have a general idea where this is going but I'm not sure how it will end, Chibi-D has given me three possible endings... *bangs head on keyboard* And I don't know what to do, so maybe you guys can help! I'm going to put the three possible end pairings at the bottom and mayhap you could tell me what your fave is when you R&R.... *gives chibi-eyes* Pwease!!! Anywho on with the angst! *huggles* Jadeduo
Special Notes:
~noises~
//thoughts//
***** - time and scene change
~~~~~ - scene change
Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
~Blurry, By: Puddle of Mudd
~Blurry~
January 2, AC 205
Quatre looked worriedly at Heero, who stood in the doorway of the small breakfast room with his duffle bag, packed, in hand. "Heero, where are you going?"
Heero looked at Quatre stonily. "I'm leaving; I can't stay here any longer. I'm going to go see Relena, and then I'm going to find something to give me peace. I thought Duo would be my peace for a long time, but he has found his and it is without me."
Trowa smiled softly in ascent, but Quatre just bore holes through Heero's head with his glare. "I can't believe this! Heero, you are in no condition to do this right now! Duo tried this too, and it didn't work. He fell apart! You can't get through losing someone you love so dearly by yourself, Heero! I know! I've seen the way he looks at you, and you look at him! This isn't right! You should stay here; give yourself time to heal."
Heero smiled softly at Quatre. "And what did Duo say to that, Kat?"
Quatre's face fell in defeat. "Fine. Do what you want, Heero, but I'm not going to let you get to the point that Duo did. The first time I have to bail you out of jail from a drunken fight is the last time I let you leave this estate. Got it? You know you two are too stubborn for your own good, right?"
Heero looked at Quatre brokenly. "Hai, I know, but I have to find my own way. If I don't, I'll just let myself rot here in the misery and suffering. Thank you, Quatre, Trowa. Please give my love to Duo, and my respect to Chang." With that, Heero left the mansion like a ghost that was never there.
*****
December 26, AC 203
Duo and Wufei sat on the bed in silence, both thinking of the future, the past, and what they would do now. Wufei studied the broken form before him. Duo had never looked this bad before. He hadn't eaten anything real in months; he was all skin and bones. His eyes had this haunted dreamy look, as if he felt that he would wake up sometime from this nightmare. He radiated sadness and pain. The man before him was not the manic Shinigami he knew during the war, nor was he the good friend he had gained after it. The man before him was broken by the hardship and pain of five years; the day that Heero left. "Duo?"
Duo looked up at Wufei, tears dripping from his too large violet eyes in a sunken face. "Wha - at?"
"We need to figure out what you are going to do with yourself now that you've decided to take control of your life." Wufei looked at Duo expectantly.
Duo studied his hands, not wanting to face the upcoming challenge of getting his life back in order. "I don't know, Wufei. I-- I don't know what to do with myself now. I want to be able to let go, but I-I love him so much. I don't even know how to take the first step."
Wufei frowned and then took a deep breath; this would take some convincing. "Well, first of all, I think you need to move out of that apartment you've been living in for the past five years, and move into the guest bedroom here. Wallowing in the place you were happy with Heero can't be good for your sanity. I promise I won't try anything, that would be-- dishonourable. I've also talked to Quatre about this; we think you need to be seeing a psychiatrist."
"No! I'm not crazy!" Duo yelled at Wufei petulantly.
Wufei sighed. "No, you're not, Duo. We just thought that you would want someone else to talk to - a neutral party, if you will. We aren't able to help you. God knows we've tried... Duo, we just want you to get better. Will you agree to these terms? Will you agree to let us help you get on the right track? It won't work if you resist this; if you don't do this to help yourself."
Duo sat there and thought a while. He never lied, and he had promised Wufei; he had promised that he would try to move on. To get his life back together. If doing these things would get them off his back for a while, he would do them, but he would not give up his and Heero's apartment. The others wouldn't have to know. He just couldn't let go what little he had left of Heero. This would be the one thing that he could hold onto. "Okay, Wufei. Okay."
*****
January 2, AC 205
Relena stood up to calmly greet Heero, who stood awkwardly in front of her. "Heero! It is so good to see you. Where have you been all this time? We've missed you. Have you seen Duo yet? He's missed you."
Heero blanched at the cutting statement. "I'm sorry, Relena. I--"
Relena smiled. "I'm sorry, Heero. Sit down. You obviously came here for a reason. Now, how can I help you?"
Heero sat down in the elegant surroundings, uncomfortable. "Relena, I--" Heero buried his head in his hands, unsure of asking her for a favor after all of this time; after all he had put her and everyone else through these last few years. Relena, sensing his dilemma, removed his hands from his head and smiled.
"Heero, it's alright to need help. Tell me. What is it?" she asked kindly.
Heero gazed into her sincere cornflower blue eyes. "I'm so sorry, Relena, to ask you this, but-- I need help. Quatre offered, but I-- I can't bring myself to spend time around them. It-- it hurts too much. Would you-- I need help finding a new apartment. I'm pretty sure Duo sold ours after I left, and I--"
Relena smiled sympathetically. "I can help you with that, Heero. I'll call my realtor. I'm sure we can work something out in one minute." Relena left the room quickly, returning with an address and a name for Heero. "Here you go, Heero. The address is on that card, as well as my personal phone number. You can reach me there day or night. If you go now, you'll be able to make your one o'clock appointment. Her name is Cynthia. Be good, Heero, and don't drive the woman too crazy."
Heero smiled brilliantly and gave the shocked Relena a firm hug. "Thank you, Relena! I hope that we can be good friends again." With that, he left the room. After he left, Relena sat in her seat, dazed. She had dreamed of the moment that Heero would show so much emotion, and it wasn't because of her. It would never be because of her. It was because of Duo; it would always be Duo.
~~~~~
Cynthia stood up from her desk to greet her newest client sent over by Miss Relena herself. Heero Yuy was more mesmerizing than she would have imagined, but she had a job to do, and she had promised Miss Relena that she would do her best. "Hello, Mr. Yuy. Please, have a seat. Now, what do you think you will be looking for?"
Heero studied the neatly dressed woman before him. She was older; maybe mid-thirties, but she radiated confidence in her abilities. Heero was sure that he would be able to trust her. "You may call me Heero, Cynthia. I'm looking for a two bedroom one bath apartment, with a galley kitchen, and maybe a living room/dining area attached. Something simple and in a neighborhood that is close to my friends."
Cynthia nodded in ascent. She knew who Heero's friends were. Miss Relena had informed her of the situation when she called. This could prove to be a stressful day for her. "Okay. First, I'll need some references from your previous place of residence, and some basic financial information so we can get started." Heero gave her the basic information and she typed it into her computer to see what she could find. Then, something popped up on her screen that shocked her. "Mr. Yuy - I mean, Heero, it says here that you already have a place of residence here in London."
Heero started from his chair and looked at the information displayed on the screen. It was the address to his and Duo's old apartment. Duo had kept it. What should he do? The apartment by right was still half his, but he had left Duo with it. He had expected the violet-eyed man to sell it by now, especially since he lived with Wufei now in their new home. Heero shuddered in pain and shrunk down in his seat. Duo had kept their home........ Why?
"Mr. Yuy, are you all right?"
Heero startled from his pain induced stupor. "I'm sorry, Cynthia. I need to make a phone call. Can I use your phone, and maybe your office, for a few minutes?"
"Certainly. I'll return shortly. Just make sure it's local," she said and left the room.
"Thank you," Heero murmured and he dialed Duo and Wufei's number.
~Ring! Ring!~
"Hallo!" Duo said energetically into the phone.
Heero swallowed nervously. "Duo?"
Duo turned a ghostly pale hue. "Heero? What did you want?"
Heero trembled at the pain in the voice on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry, Duo, but I'm at the realtors office looking for an apartment. And-and, I found out that you kept our place. I-I I'm not presuming anything, Duo. I just wanted to know… s-since you live with Wufei… would it be okay for me to live there?" Heero swallowed, trembling from the pain he hadn't wanted to deal with right then.
Duo's heart sunk to his feet. //But, that-that is my special place. I go there to pull myself back together. What am I going to do; say no? Then he will know. God! I don't want to deal with this! I can't just turn him out on the street! I guess I'll have to let him have it. Maybe, maybe we can work something out.// "Heero? I-I still use the apartment. If you don't mind me popping up once in a while and locking myself in the bedroom, it's all yours," Duo said seriously.
Heero sighed. This could be bad, but he could never deny Duo anything. "You are always welcome to stay with me Duo."
Duo sighed. "Thanks, Heero. Would you mind taking the guest bedroom? I-I have some stuff in the master bedroom I don't want anyone to see.... Now, I had some stuff to do today.... Did you need a key?"
"Okay, Duo. I'll leave it alone, and no I don't need a key. I still have one. I'll see you around, Duo," Heero said hopefully.
"Yeah, Heero, I guess you will," Duo murmured resignedly.
*****
January 15, AC 204
"So, Duo, how have you been feeling lately? Has the medication helped?"
Duo sat in the comfortable office of the psychiatrist that Quatre had recommended. //God! I don't want to be here. I want to be at home with Heero! There I go again! Heero's gone! He left me; alone!//
The psychiatrist looked in concern at her patient. He always did this during their sessions - blocked her out. How did his friends deal with all of the pain this poor young soul radiated? He was like half a person. "Duo? I need your full attention during our sessions. You don't seem to be dealing with this very well. Do I need to back off?"
Duo jumped out of his stupor, and looked at the kindly older women before him. "I'm sorry, Sherah. I-I, I was thinking about him again."
Sherah sighed. This was going to be long session. "Duo, we've talked about this. You can't keep focusing on the past. You have to focus on the future. I know you loved him, but you can't keep doing this to yourself, your friends - the people that love you."
Duo raked his messy bangs through with his hands. He had to get through this. She was right, but how would he do it? How could he just forget? About Heero, about how much they loved each other? Duo shuddered in pain. "I'm sorry, Sherah. I just-- You know, it's hard for me. He was my world. He was the only reason I kept living after the war. I would have killed myself long ago if there wasn't still some small chance that he might come home to me, alive."
"Duo, you never told me exactly how it happened. I know only as much as Quatre has told me, and you have been decidedly tight-lipped about it. What could have made him leave? From what you've told me, you were his entire world, and I believe he would have self-destructed at war's end had it not been for your influence."
Duo sighed. He figured this would come up. "I don't know much. It was the day after Christmas. I woke up alone; although, it would happen more often than not, because He-Heero… he would go on a long jog once a day, usually in the morning. So, I didn't think much of it. I went to our small kitchen and found some coffee waiting for me. He-he always would make coffee for us before he went out. I sat at the kitchen table, drinking my coffee, and that's when I noticed the note. It was written so matter-of-factly. Here. Read it.” Duo pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, worn thin and messy with dried tears. He handed it to her like it was a treasure of great value.
Duo-love,
I had some unfinished business I needed to take care of. If I'm not back by the New Year, I'm sorry. Sorry for all the chances I will miss to show you that I love you. Please, be happy. Try and find someone new to love. I was never really worth your love anyway. Maybe I will be back someday, but the future can never be certain. I wanted to let you know that I never expected to live beyond the first war, and it is all thanks to you that I have known joy and love. If I don't come back, presume me dead.
Ai shiteru, Shinigami. Eien ni,
Heero
The psychiatrist teared up. This was not what she had expected of the man that had been described to her. Many said he had been cold-hearted and never really loved this vibrant emotional man before her. How could she believe that? How could they? Duo was an emotional man. How could she doubt the man he loved would be just as emotional? Well, probably because he was good at hiding it.... "Duo, I didn't know. How many people have seen this?"
Duo shrugged nonchalantly, and snatched it from her trembling hands. "You, maybe the guys. I don't know. You're the only person I've shown it to willingly. I know he really loved me, and I'm positive he still loves me. But, I have no idea where he is now, or if he's even alive. It kills me feeling this helpless."
Sherah sighed. This could take longer than she had hoped. Things were much more complex now. "Duo, why didn't you go after him?"
Duo sighed. "He didn't want me too. He had his reasons. I was so angry at first, ya know? I didn't ever want to see him again, and then the despair set in. I've searched high and low for him and never found him. I still have a search going on him till this day. All my leads have been dead ends. He had already moved on, or it wasn't even him. I don't know what the unfinished business was, but I'm pretty sure it was a mission. Something that was so horrible he didn't want to involve me in it - something personal. I don't know, Doc.... And, now, there's Wufei. I can't just keep stringing him along. He's my friend, and I do love him, in a way. It's just different from the way I love Heero, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on."
"Duo, from what Wufei has told me, he loves you very much. But-- he would never force you into a relationship you aren't ready for. Maybe you should test the waters. Go slowly. Let yourself learn about who Wufei is. Find out why he loves you, and just follow your emotions. Duo, five years is a long time to be alone, and I know you might not want to hear this, but-- Heero wanted you to be happy, not to be on the brink of death almost everyday. Ready to drown yourself in sorrow. Think about it, Duo. What did Heero say?"
Duo shuddered. "H-he wanted me to be happy; to find someone else. I just don't think I'll ever be ready for that. Even after all this time, I still love him."
"And does Wufei know that?"
"He does." Duo swallowed.
"And he still wants to be with you - even though you love another and probably always will."
"Yes," Duo murmured, unsure of himself.
"Then, maybe you should give it a shot with Wufei. See how it makes you feel. This could be your very first step towards moving on."
"I can try."
*****
January 2, AC 205
Heero stood before the door of his and Duo's old apartment, afraid. Afraid of what lie in store for him when he opened the door. //Will it be different? Did he put pictures of him and Wufei up? Is it completely different from what I remember? Oh god! I shouldn't do this to myself. I should open the damn door! Am I really ready for this? Duo, I love you so much. Why did you keep this place so full of memories? Memories of us? Don't you want to forget? Didn't you want to forget? How did you deal with this pain everyday? It's so consuming. It hurts to take every step. I-I. Damnit! That's it! I'm going in!// Heero turned the key in the lock and opened the door.
Heero reached for the light by the door and illuminated the small, but neat, apartment. Nothing had changed. It was like he never left. The pictures of them together, even the outdated appliances. Everything was as it was the day he left the other half of his soul behind. He stood there in awe, and thought, // Why would Duo keep it like this? Why would he? He is with Chang now, right? He still loves me. He has to. There is no other explanation for this. But he told me that… the day he let me go. God, I'm such a screw up!// Heero slammed the door shut and locked it behind him, then sunk down on the sofa he and Duo bought all those years ago when they first moved in. They had been so happy on that day. But that was then, and now... and now....
As Duo had said, they were ghosts now. Ghosts that were trying to make a present for themselves with the past slowing them down. Waiting for crucial moment when they were at there most vulnerable to strike. "What have I done?" Heero sobbed and curled himself up into the well worn couch. He cried, letting all the hurt and pain leak out, until he was empty and could finally sleep at peace.
*****
January 15, AC 204
Duo snuck into Wufei's neat apartment, hoping Wufei wouldn't notice that he was home. "Duo, you're home. So, how as your appointment?"
Duo cringed. //Damnit!// "Erm, fine, Fei.... Nothing too exciting. Same ole, same ole..."
Wufei wrinkled his nose. Duo was hiding again. "Duo, you don't have to hide from me. I mean, if you don't like Dr. Sherah, then we can find another psychiatrist..."
Duo sat down across from his friend. "No, no, it's not that at all. I like Sherah. She just gave me some stuff to think about. You know, about Heero, and... you."
Wufei sighed. "Duo, you don't have to talk about it. I would like to know what she said to you to distract you this much, but I won't pry."
Duo looked into the sincere ebony eyes staring at him from across the coffee table. He could do this. "Wufei.... she... erm.... I don't know how to say this..." Duo blushed to the tip of his braid. "She suggested I give 'us' a shot," he blurted out before he could stop himself.
Wufei gasped and his cheeks tinged a light pink color. "Duo- I- would love to give 'us' a shot, but if you're not ready, it will just end up hurting us both, and you will be worse off than you were before."
Duo hugged himself tightly. "I know, Fei. It's just.... I want to feel again. Anything... Anything, but this constant pain in my chest.... I want to smile for no reason. I want to be held and loved. And I can really think of no other person besides Heero who could do that for me. Fei, I do feel for you, and it could be more, but I'm not sure I will ever really be truly ready for 'us.' I mean, could you truly be happy with me even though I will always love another? And can I do that to you? Make you suffer so I could be happy?"
Wufei crossed the room and sat closely next to his braided friend. "Duo, I love you, and I would be happy with whatever you have to give." Wufei leaned in and kissed Duo softly on the lips; not in a demanding way, but in a giving way. "When you feel you are ready to give me that chance, I will be here. I love you. You are my Zi ai."
Duo blushed deeply, and shuddered. "Thank you, Fei. I will think about this for a while, and then talk to Sherah about it when I see her." Duo kissed Wufei on the cheek quickly and breezed out of the room to take sanctuary in his own.
*****
January 3, AC 205
Heero woke up the next morning on the couch, still huddled in on himself. He was stiff and sore from the uncomfortable position he had fallen asleep in. //What? Where am I? The couch? Why would I be sleeping on the couch?// Heero thought groggily, and then the past few years came crashing back to him.... Heero got up slowly and walked into the kitchen, looking for something to make coffee with. To his surprise, the kitchen was fully stocked with non-perishables, including the brand of coffee that he would make every morning for the two of them. //Why would Duo have food here? What is going on? Why would Duo do this? I thought.... This is so strange....// Heero sighed and set the coffee brewing and walked into the living room to get his duffel and headed for the small bathroom.
Heero opened the door to find the bathroom as well stocked as the kitchen. There were clean towels sitting on the rack, as well as Duo's shampoo and conditioner sitting on the tub's edge. Heero sighed and turned on the shower head. Giving adequate time for the water to heat up, he stripped, and stepped into the shower. Heero leaned against the cool wall and let the steaming water wash away the stress and pain from the last couple of days. He stood like that for a while and then grabbed for the nearest shampoo bottle, not realizing it was Duo's.
Heero scrubbed his scalp efficiently, and then the vanilla scent of the shampoo wafted down from his scalp to his nose. The scent reminded him of Duo and all of the times he had spent smelling that vanilla scented hair of his.... That lead to other things, and his mind wandered to thoughts of Duo laying naked next to him, both sated after a long session of love-making, his hair spread out all around them; cocooning them from the rest of the world. Heero sighed as he felt his erection stir to life from the combination of scents and memories. He ignored it for the moment and rinsed his hair of the vanilla scented shampoo, then proceeded to methodically scrub himself with the soap that had already been sitting in the soap dish. Heero finished washing everywhere but his swollen need. The warm water only enhanced the feel of being touched everywhere by warm hands. Heero gave up all pretense and let the memories take him.
Heero pictured their first night together - the passion, the soft kisses, the love, the gentleness. Heero moaned as wrapped his calloused fingers around his firm erection, pumping the satin over steel and bringing images to mind of Duo and him together making love. Heero felt the water caress him as only Duo would; lingering phantom touches that only served to arouse him further. He grasped his erection and squeezed tightly, welcoming the slight pain and continued to pump slowly. "Duo, please...... Oh god!"
He slumped down to the shower floor and spread his legs, fondling his sac before moving slowly to the hidden entrance that only Duo had explored. Heero circled his soap slick finger slowly around the quivering entrance, while stroking his shaft slowly. He plunged the finger slowly and set up a steady rhythm to match the cock thrusting into his hand. Heero moaned in abandon and pictured his Duo thrusting slowly into him, savouring their lovemaking, those beautiful violet eyes darkened in lust and moaning his name. Heero moaned loudly as his finger hit his prostate hard, triggering his and the imaginary Duo's climax at the same time. White spots flashed behind his eyes as he screamed Duo's name, leaving Heero sated, but empty, and once again alone....
*****
January 17, AC 204
Duo and Wufei sat inside the psychiatrist's office quietly, not speaking to one another, deep in their own thoughts. Duo squirmed and fiddled with his braid as he sat next to onyx-eyed man, studying his brooding countenance. //Can I do this? Do I really have the courage to move on without him, to love someone else? Was Sherah right? Is Fei exactly what I need right now? Someone to love me and cherish me, even though my full attention will not always be there? I love him as a friend, that’s for sure, and now that I look at him, yes, there could be more. He respects me, he even loves me with all of my weaknesses. How can my weak caring and love be enough for this strong-willed person? But then again, what do I have to lose?//
Wufei stared at the bland beige wall in the waiting area of the psychiatrist's office. He sat there, still and thoughtful, not fully comprehending this whole strange situation he was in. //I love Duo, and by God I haven't figured out how the braided fool has wormed his way into my heart, but it has happened. What is wrong with me hoping for more? For needing someone? Nataku, it is weak! I can't need him.// Wufei studied the elfin profile and was lost. //He is beautiful inside and out. I never had a chance. Nataku, I know you are laughing at me somewhere up there for being in love with half a man, who is just as bright when half of his soul is lost. I love you, Duo, and I will do everything in my power to prove it to you.//
They both turned to each other, and said, "We need to talk." Duo blushed, and Wufei took the initiative.
"Duo, I love you, and I really want to give this a chance." Wufei looked at Duo hopefully, while Duo wrung his hands nervously.
"I would like to try to, Fei, but-- but-- we are going to have to take things very slowly. I can't just jump into this head first, yanno? I want to have with you what I had with-- He-- him, but it's going to take a lot of time and patience with me. I'll need all the support you can muster."
Wufei pulled Duo abruptly into a strong embrace, and whispered softly into his ear. "It'll be alright, Duo. Whatever you need, I will give it my all. I can be just as stubborn as you, Duo Maxwell, when I fall in love."
Duo smiled. "I know, Fei. That's why I'm moving out of the old apartment and into yours, permanently. This will be our first step towards loving each other the way we deserve to be loved. Is that okay, Fei?" Duo asked hesitantly.
Wufei could only hold Duo tighter. "Yes! Duo! This is-- this is more than I would have ever asked for. I will do whatever it takes for you to trust what we have. Zi ai, I love you."
*****
January 3, AC 205
Heero spent the day puttering around the apartment, trying to stop the memories. But they wouldn't stop, and by late afternoon, he was driven to distraction. Heero slumped down on the bed in the guest room where he had put his stuff down. //What have I done? How could I do this to myself? How can I live without him? I have to find something to do with myself, otherwise I will drive myself mad. I know for sure that Duo does not want me out of his life, but to what extent does he still need me. He's happy. He has Wufei. I screwed up! It's all my fault! I loved him and I threw it away!// Heero let the tears fall silently and he curled into himself and then the phone rang loudly. He ignored it as long as he could, but it just wouldn't stop. //It has to be Quatre....// Heero rolled to his side, wiped his tears on the quilt, and answered the phone by the bed.
"Hello? Heero? How are you?" Quatre asked sunnily.
"Hello, Quatre. How did you know I was here?" Prussian blue eyes narrowed in on the bright aquamarine.
Quatre smiled disarmingly. "I called Duo yesterday, and he told me you would be staying at your old apartment. I just wanted to see how you were doing. The place kind of creeps me out."
Heero looked at the shrine to their relationship and looked at Quatre. "It is kind of creepy. It's like I never left...." Heero trailed off.
Quatre sighed. "Yeah, Duo had a hard time letting go when you left Heero. He kept it that way a long time, never leaving, unless to get drunk - until he moved in with Wufei. He still goes there sometimes to be by himself. Just keep out of his way when he does. He's not pleasant to be around when he's like that.... Anyway, I called to offer you a job, just so you don't drive yourself to distraction in that place. So what do you say, Heero?"
Heero looked off to the side to stare at the picture of him and Duo together, remembering the day they had hung the picture in the tiny guest room. "I kind of like it. It's nice to know that Duo still loves me, but you are right. I will go mad if I'm stuck here for too long. I'll take it as long as it's a desk job."
Quatre smiled brightly. "Exactly what I had in mind. How would you like to be in charge of network security at WEI?"
Heero bestowed a tiny smile on the exuberant blond. "I would love to, Quatre. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. Eight AM?"
"That's fine, Heero. Goodnight."
Heero looked startled at the blank screen. //It's night? I-- oh-- Duo...// Heero curled up under the quilt he had fallen asleep on and wrapped the bedclothes around him to protect him from the pain and hurt. "Duo, I love you. I'm sorry...." Heero whispered out to the night, as if the one he loved would hear and return to him.
*****
January 19, AC 204
Duo and Wufei had spent most of the day moving Duo's most important items out of the old apartment and into his room at Fei's. They were both exhausted and went to bed early. Wufei passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow, while Duo lay awake in his room confused and alone. "I'm so sorry, Heero. I know I promised myself that I would wait for you, but-- I don't even know for sure if you are still alive. Why did you leave me? You promised - you promised you would always be there for me! I-- You know, I would give anything to see you again. My one and only, I love you. I will always be with you. But-- but-I can't go on like this. I love you. I'm sorry..." Duo whispered into the night hoping someway, somehow, Heero would hear, and return to him.
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Potential End Pairings
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1. 1x2x5
2. 5x2, 1x6
3. Unrequited 1x2 (note this would make the end VERY sad)