Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Coven of the Rose ❯ Chapter 07 ( Chapter 7 )

[ A - All Readers ]

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND SHE'S GOT A VULCAN CANNON!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 07
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo

"AGHAAAAAAAAA!” Voldemort screamed. Evil red eyes lit up with fury as he stalked around his hidden room.

Over a third of his death eaters hadn't shown up at the latest meeting and no one knew why. They were just gone. Their families were still at home waiting for them, they hadn't been captured by the Ministry, and even Severus, when asked, didn't' have a clue where they were. That meant that Dumbledore didn't have them.

With almost superhuman effort he managed to control his anger. Over the last several days he'd killed almost two dozen of his men as they failed time and again to find the missing death eaters. Because they were missing he was forced to change his plans.

He stalked out of the room. His glare passed over Wormtail as the useless moron scrambled out of his way. "Tell Lucius to come to me, Worm.”

"Y-yes Master.” Wormtail stuttered out.

Dismissing the waste of air from his thoughts, Voldemort stalked down the hall and entered the large meeting room and took his place on the throne sitting towards the back of the room. A few minutes later Lucius Malfoy swept into the room.

"You called for me Master?” He said and knelt before Voldemort.

"What is the status of the plan?”

"Nothing so far Master. The house elves are everywhere and we've tracked them all over the country, they just never seem to stop.”

"Are they aware of your actions?”

"No sir.”

Voldemort frowned. "What about Potter himself. Why hasn't he been found?”

"He rarely appears in public and when he does its total chaos. What he did in Knockturn Alley is a good example of this. That giant lizard is still running around knocking over trash cans, sticking its head into various businesses, and several businesses have been completely destroyed by the elves.”

"Potter is an untrained and uneducated simpleton Lucius. It's quite obvious that he's getting help from somewhere.”

"That occurred to me as well Master. I've got several of the men asking around to find out who that might be.”

"What have you found so far?”

"One of his friends, Granger, vanished a couple days ago and hasn't been seen since. Witnesses at Knockturn did notice that Potter was talking to someone, possibly under an invisibility cloak, as he spread his chaos.”

"That is…interesting, but doesn't do anything to help us find him.”

"No sir.”

Voldemort growled. "Get me Severus, its time he started pulling his weight again.”

Lucius just nodded and waited to be dismissed. He had no intention of drawing his Master's wrath like so many others recently.

"Now!” Voldemort screamed.

Lucius rose to his feet and went to fetch Severus Snape. No one saw the little green robed house elf standing in the shadows behind the throne. It would be a couple of hours before Voldemort found his personal house elf hanging from its toes.

In the kitchen.

Dressed like a clown.

Covered whip cream and strawberries.

Yum.

oooooooooo

"…Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwnn." Harry smacked his lips a few times as he rolled out of bed. Ever since Azkaban his vision just weren't as scary as they used to be. Or would that be because he was crazy now? No matter, he wandered into his bathroom, got lost for several minutes trying to find the sink lost in the back corner of the room, took his bath, and came back out hour later.

Three elves were just finishing his room and laying out his clothing. Once he was dressed he wandered out onto the patio and looked at the view. Why he wanted to watch a pair of wild dogs banging each other was a mystery, but he enjoyed the show for several minutes. He heard Hermione a couple of patios over as she got ready as well.

He had several ideas that he wanted to look into today. The Book was also calling to him. Over the last couple of days he'd delved deeper and deeper into the history of the magic world and seriously wondered how a society could be so bloody stupid. He was over halfway through the thing and found that witches and wizards had built great kingdoms all across the world for thousands of years, only to fall into truly horrible deaths after a few centuries.

Thousands of years of knowledge lost as dark moron after moron slaughtered their way through history. Harry wanted to smack every last idiot that came along. He found potion after potion that could cure the most amazing things, if only the animals that it required weren't extinct because some politician decided that an animal they didn't like needed to be exterminated for the greater good, and head mounted on the wall above the toilet. Usually because one of them ate their cousin or nipped a bit off a big toe, it was a precedent after all.

Because of that the cure for Vampirism was lost to time. Who knew that the cure to the Werewolf was to be stung by rose bees? Of course they were exterminated by a rogue werewolf clan because the bugs were ugly and the vain creatures didn't like the idea of losing their power. Could the magical world get any more stupid?

Harry had every intention of finding out if the current world or the twelfth rise of magic as the Book called them. Turning, Harry stalked back into his room and an elf shooed the dogs away. The stupid things were making quite a racket. Donning his green cloak, Harry made his way downstairs to have breakfast. Hermione stepped out of her room as he walked by.

"Harry." She said and nodded to him.

"Ugh, Weird girl with frizzy bed hair." Harry replied with a nod. "Come, breakfast is nearly done."

"What did you say?!"

"I said good morning."

She narrowed her eyes.

"I swear." Harry lied.

She huffed and followed, reminding herself that he was unstable. "What are we having this morning?"

"I'm not sure, I was thinking of ice cream and cake."

"What?! You can't eat that for breakfast!"

"Sure I can, I'll just eat my meals in reverse order today. Meaning desert is first." He nodded, that solved everything. "Then maybe a t-bone steak."

Awake barely half an hour and Hermione was already developing a headache. She rubbed her forehead as they descended the stairs deeper into the house. This was her first time going this deep into the house and she wondered if they were going to eat in the basement. That idea committed suicide a few minutes later as they entered the cellblock.

That was the only way she could describe it. Harry was holding at least a hundred death eaters in his basement. Each cell was the size of a small microwave, each prisoner shrunk down to the size of a doll. About twenty elves patrolled the room to make sure none of the prisoners could escape. Harry grinned as he neared one cell and looked inside. "Hello, I brought a friend to visit you."

"$#@%& snarl!" Issued from the cage.

Hermione bent down to see what was inside and gasped. So did Victor Krum, who was in the cage looking like he was on the verge of death. "Victor? You're a death eater?"

"I caught him fair and square. He even has the mark and everything. The elves have been playing with him though."

"Playing with him?"

Victor paled and tried to hide in the back of his cage. "Nononononono."

"Oh don't be such a baby. They only cleaned you up after Maxine got done with you."

Victor curled into a ball and started whimpering.

"Who's Maxine?" Hermione asked, though knowing Harry's current state she wondered if that was wise.

"Oh, someone I met when I was wandering around learning how to get my revenge."

"So, that doesn't tell me who she is."

Harry sighed, flicked his wrist and created a photograph. It was yanked out of his hand and Hermione took several seconds to examine the photo. She lowered here head and her shoulders started shaking rather spastically. Then she threw her head back and started laughing, fell to the ground, and started pounding on the floor.

Victor screamed in horror as the memories assaulted him again.

It took several minutes for Hermione to quiet down to a low level snicker, but occasionally a giggle would break through. "I…"

Harry didn't know why she was laughing, but thought it was a good idea to pretend to know why she was laughing. "I'm glad you liked it." He deadpanned.

"What else have you done to him?”

"Not much, just been thinking of transfiguring him into something.”

All the death eaters screamed as Harry said this, but he only smiled and gave them a wave. "Such a nice group of fellas. I'll have to find a way to make them more comfortable, but I can't do that until they tell me everything they know.”

"What exactly are you going to do to them?”

"They just have to give the names of other death eaters and I'll turn them over to the Ministry.”

Several elves started grinning evilly. Hermione sweat dropped and gulped as the room suddenly filled with over a hundred mini voices yelling names. The elves were writing the names down as fast as they were shouted. Victor started screaming again.

Hermione gave him a look. "What's wrong with him?”

"Oh, I found out that he's addicted to some potion.” Harry explained. "Can't recall the name of it, something nasty though. It makes him unstable when doesn't have his fix.”

"Poor Victor.”

"He was humping his bedding earlier.” Harry said. "I haven't had the heart to make the elves clean up his bed.”

Hermione fell over.

Harry grinned. "I had a vision of Voldemort this morning. He's so mad that he'd killing his own death eaters in rather gory ways. None of them will answer his summons, their disappearing, and all that neat stuff.”

He tapped a nearby cage. "Isn't that right widdle bobo.”

"%&$#you.” Issues from the cage.

"Not to worry, I won't kill any of you. We haven't had any time to play yet and killing you would be too easy.” Harry said mildly as the room went eerily silent. "Now you will give the elves the names of all your death eater friends, or I'll bring Maxine back for a visit.”

Harry's grin widened as more names were shouted out. He glanced down. "You still down there?”

Hermione shrugged. "I figured it would be safer down here.”

"Ah, well Patric over there will keep you safe. Come on up to breakfast when you're done with whatever it is you need to do down there.” Harry told her and headed for the door.

"Patric?”

Harry pointed; she looked, and froze as a fifteen foot boa constrictor peaked its head out from behind a cage. It flicked its tongue at her. His green robe trailed after Hermione as she raced out of the room faster than he could blink. "Well if you were hungry, all you had to do was go to the dining room.”

"Scar.”

The house elf appeared. "Yes Master?”

"Finish up with the prisoners, then prepare them for transfer.”

The elf bowed and disappeared with a pop. Harry stood there for a second and watched as Patric slithered after a tiny little escapee running around the floor screaming for his life.

"Heheheheheh.”

oooooooooo

"Master.”

Harry turned to see one of his army standing a few feet away. "Twilly, how goes your mission?”

Twilly bowed. "I has found Him at last.”

Harry's grin nearly split his face in half. "Excellent, Excellent Twilly, fantastic job and well done. Report all information to Scar and we can start preparing our attack plans.”

"Dobby!”

The house elf appeared. "Harry Potter called?”

"I want your section to pick up their pace for the next couple of days. Track down as many death eaters down as you can.”

Dobby bounced around in excitement. "Dobby pleased to do this. We will have them all here within a few days.”

Pleased, Harry called several more elves and sent them all of on various projects. By the time he headed back upstairs the whole manor was jumping with activity. He swept into the dining room and chuckled as he noticed Hermione sitting on top of the table. She looked a little nervous for some reason.

"Potter.” She growled.

"One of the elves managed to tail Lucius Malfoy to Voldemort.” Harry said.

Hermione blinked a few times. "Really? You should turn the information over to Dumbledore or the Ministry and let them take care of it.”

Harry couldn't help but snort. "Yeah right. I know lets do the fairy plum dance to make a corrupt government do their job. That'll work.”

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!” Hermione yelled. "There is no need to be sarcastic. It's their job to fix things like this.”

All Harry could do was shake his head. "Hermione, you are my best friend, but there are some days when I wonder if you do this on purpose or are just that trusting.”

"What do you mean by that?” She asked, eyes narrowed.

"Dumbledore left me to rot in Azkaban to make his plan come off. He has never cared about my wants or needs, only his big plan. It always comes down to his plan. You know this Hermione.” Harry growled. "As for the Ministry, do I have to go through that again?”

"No you do not.” She huffed. "But it's their job to protect the wizarding world from Voldemort.”

"Harry snorted again. "You have so much faith in these people. I don't see where it comes from to be honest. People that tend to bury their heads in the sand when a problem comes up. Remember that these same people were about to lose the war before that curse bounced off my head and gained them several years of peace.”

Hermione sighed. "I don't see how they can live with themselves when they act like this.”

"You've always placed quite a bit of faith in adults and authority figures Hermione. I've learned the hard way that trusting people like Dumbledore only leads to more pain and suffering.” Harry muttered. "Enough of this. Go grab your robe. We're going out for a little while.”

"What are we going to do?”

"Does it matter? It'll be fun, that's all I care about.”

"Another attack?”

Harry grinned.

"Oh?”

Harry nodded and crossed his arms. "It's time to bag us a Snivilious Greasyious Hairious. Heheheheh.” He conjured a weird cartoon like gun. "The game is sneering, let us wipe it off his face in a barrage of lead!”

Hermione swatted him. "I thought you said no killing?”

"Oh yeah, I forgot, well I think we can pick up some lead paint around here somewhere.”

This only made the bushy haired girl huff again. "Now Harry…”

Pop

"We is ready Master Harry.” Scar said. "Dobby's group has already started to bring in more death eaters.”

"Already, I figured we wouldn't get any until at least tomorrow.”

"Dobby says that his group has been watching certain people for several days now. Waiting for the word to grab them.”

Harry nodded. "Excellent and efficient. I like that. So, should we march them down to the Ministry, bound and naked, for all to see? Naw, Skunk Fudge would just let them go within a couple of days.” Harry muttered. "What to do, what to do…”

"You can't hold them here forever.” Hermione pointed out.

"I could, if I was inclined to.” Harry said and then shrugged. "I need to take certain people down before I can finally confront Voldemort.”

"So you're going to get Professor Snape first?”

"That man isn't a professor. He's a scumbag that spends his time tormenting children for his own amusement. He needs to pay.”

oooooooooo

How does one describe chaos? There are many different ways, but over the last several months in Briton chaos meant one word. Potter. No one was safe from his brand of terror, not Purebloods, muggleborn children, or even mixed bloods. Vampires would wake up from a long night of hunting for blood dressed in baby clothes.

Veela would mysteriously appear in the middle of men's locker rooms around the continent, much to their delight. House elves who have served families for generations would vanish from a house just as it filled with strange substances. These included everything from weird forms of food, to animals in various states of dress.

Chaos spread around Harry as he stalked the wizarding world driving Aurors completely mad by filling their underwear with butterscotch. People ran screaming from their homes when a green robed house elf appeared and started flinging bits of candy around.

The laughing gas used on Knockturn Alley now filled the streets of several magical villages across the isle, sending everyone into fits of laughter. Swarms of snitches buzzed hapless people and squirting them with puce hair color dye number three.

Full grown witches ended up in provocative looking lingerie while the men ended up in turn of the century full body suits that hid everything. Who wants to look at naked old men, it's the second ugliest thing on the planet, next to a naked Umbridge.

Harry just poked her with a ten foot pole and left it at that. And shuddered, but everyone did that. The Ministry couldn't figure out why wards that could stop anyone else didn't even slow Harry down. Instead Aurors ended up with a giant chicken running missions for a week before they noticed the change. Ministry people can be a little dense after all.

By the time noon rolled around people were fleeing for the hills, again. A flank of Rhinos raced through Diagon Alley in all their smelly glory with green robed house elves riding them like jockeys and tossing things at the crowd. Which were how about thirty spider monkeys joined the little stampede and wrecked half a dozen stores.

Harry Potter was nowhere to be seen, but the Twins didn't care as they watched the destruction and laughed their butts off. They added to the chaos by supplying background music like Ride of the Valkyries and Riders of Steel. Gringotts' walls sprouted millions of flowers.

Aurors responding the scene found themselves sporting tacky seventies suits and hair styles. Madam Bones, who was running things after Kingsley had his little breakdown the day before froze when she found herself in the super short skirt version of Star Trek dress. Though much to her relief she was wearing appropriate underwear, it was impossible to move around without flashing something.

Halfway across the country people were still trying to figure out how Potter had changed the Hogwarts express into Timithy the Toot Toot complete with a face. It could talk and didn't like all the mischief the students had gotten up to during its years in service and refused to move until everyone apologized for taking him for granted.

All of this was quickly sent to Dumbledore through the usual channels, so by the time the train blew him a raspberry and dropped a few well placed ‘F' bombs, Dumbledore had a migraine going. He could only look up as really fat, hairy, male pixy kicked the doors to the school and flew in like an out of control bumble bee. Smoking a rather fragrant cigar.

It bounced off the ceiling and wall a couple of times before it plowed into a Slytherin fifth year. Sitting on the student's chest, it grabbed the boy's tie and gave it a yank, drawing their faces together. "Wheres can I find the blighter, Syvilius, Snivalus, or snapey wappy.

"…”

"Aghaaaaaaaaa!” It screamed in the student's face, revealing really bad teeth and breath that made a nearby suit of armor fall over.

"…IDON'TKNOWIDON'TKNOW…”

"I don't believe you lad, you wear his house symbol after all. Now where is the waste of air. I has to have a little chat with the little bastard.” The ‘pixy' flapped its wings a few times and bounced up and down on the kid's chest and farted. "Aghaaaaaaaaaa!”

"Answer me boy, or I'll start getting rough.” It slapped the kid several times just to make his point.

"The…dungeon! The dungeon!”

It leaned in close. "Why thank you.”

Taking to the air again it flew up, bounced off the wall, a portrait, and headed for the dungeons. Although he was gone, his stench seemed to linger for some time after that. Students didn't waste any time as they ran for the exits screaming ‘Prank Lord Potter' the whole way.

A tired looking Dumbledore raced down the hall holding his hat to his head, jumped over the downed Slytherin, and knew that Harry was already in the school. All his detection spells were useless against him now and all he could do was lesson the damage. Diagon Alley and the train were only distractions if he read the situation right.

Dumbledore would have been a little surprised to know that Harry and Hermione were, at that moment, in Hogsmead sitting down to a fine afternoon meal. Harry was in disguise, he was insane, not stupid. He was wearing a simple grey robe and magicked his hair blonde in honor of his least favorite acquaintance. It was also a look that no one would expect of him.

oooooooooo

"Would you like some more Butterbeer Hermione?”

The bushy haired girl nodded as she at the nearly perfect meal. "What do you have planned for Snape anyway?”

Harry shrugged. "I make this stuff up as I go along and leave the rest to the elves. It makes things much more interesting that way.”

"Aren't you worried that people might overhear you here? I didn't see you put up Notice-Me-Not spells.”

"Got something better going.” Harry said absently as he sniffed his green bread and gave it a nibble.

"What's that? Everyone seems to be looking this way, so it must not be that good a spell.”

"Actually, it's working perfectly.”

"Oh?”

"Yep.” Harry said evasively.

"What exactly are they seeing?”

Harry smirked. "Why the best deterrent for eavesdroppers ever invented.”

"Quit avoiding the question. What are they seeing?”

"Me and you snogging each other's brains out.” Harry explained. "Right now they can see you sitting in my lap as I have my hand up under your shirt…”

With a screech Hermione threw her Butterbeer in his face and walked out of the Hogshead. Harry ignored the Butterbeer dripping off his face as he finished off the rest of his meal. He couldn't help smirking a little as he watched Hermione pacing back and forth in front of the doorway.

Once he was finished eating he left a tip and headed for the doorway and let the ward fall. Everyone in the bar groaned as they realized it was only an illusion and went back to drinking. Hermione gave him ‘The Look' as he exited the place and reared back to slap him.

"You are so easy to tease Hermione. If you keep this up I'll have to come up with a nickname for you.” Harry grinned, his eyes glinting in the waning sunlight.

She looked horrified and slumped a little. "How do you to that? I can't seem to stay mad at you.”

"The ol'Potter charm of course. Draws in the girls and pisses off every dark lord and wannabe in a two block radius.”

"So now what?”

"We just need to see if Bubba has done his job.”

"I can't believe you know a ‘Pixy' named Bubba.” She giggled nervously.

"I could always start making Terry Pratchett puns.”

"Don't you dare!”

Harry just chuckled. "So I shouldn't conjure Twoflower's Luggage and send him into the school to stomp on Snape?”

"No!”

"His potions lab then?”

"Not that either!”

"Come on Hermione I'm running out of things for it to stomp on. How about Pettigrew?”

"And just how will you find Peter?”

"Harry shrugged. It shouldn't be that hard and I've already found a couple of old spells that could do it easily.”

"From that book?”

"I want to read it.”

"Only when I'm done, then you can have a turn.” Harry said. "And don't pout, you did just throw a drink in my face.”

She gaped as he turned his back and stalked off and she had to run and catch up.

oooooooooo

The door to the potions classroom banged inward and slammed against the wall with a thunderous explosion of noise. Bubba the Hairy Pixy and a cigar hovered there for a second surveying the room. It moved forward and spotted the Potion Master staring at it in shock.

"There yew are.” It said and took a puff on the cigar.

"Get out of this classroom this instant!” Snape yelled and threw a blue spell at the pixy.

Bubba moved out of the way and spell hit one of the Hufflepuff students, causing him to fly back, and hit the wall. The Pixy sneered, gave a huff that sent his fat belly jiggling, and flew at Snape in the blink of an eye. Snape was propelled backwards until he hit the back wall. Bubba was holding onto his robe and using his feet to brace himself. "You be the one alrighty. Potter sends his regards Snivilous.”

Snape went from confused to pissed off in an instant and opened his mouth. But Bubba was faster, leaned close as his cigar moved from one side his mouth to the other. "AGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU HEAR THAT YOU POMPUS ASS? AGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”

The students ducked under their desks to try and get away from the high pitched scream. His work done, Bubba flew out of the room. Leaving Snape pinned to the wall…wearing a Japanese school girl uniform, wearing makeup, and styled twin pony tails on each side of his head.

Dumbledore arrived seconds later and could only stare in shock. He also didn't notice the giggling House Elf at his feet or when his robe turned into a copy of what Snape was wearing. He even had bows in his beard, which just didn't suit him at all.

Snape's scream of horror echoed over the school for a full five minutes before he ran out of the classroom. Seconds later Prank Lord Potter's insane laugh echoed over the entire school.

"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH! MISCHIEF MANAGED!”

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: I had a different version of chapter seven finished a week or so ago and as I was looking it over I realized that I'd let to much angst and gore into the chapter. So I scrapped that, threw this chapter together in five days, and called it a hundred times better.

People are probably wondering why Harry had Hermione with him by now. She isn't really a calming influence on him. She's more like a sounding board to test his ideas on. While most of his pranks are random to a degree he does take time to tell her about them and he judges by her reaction if it will be good or not.

There are two chapters left for this story. It was never meant to be longer than ten chapter and I've got most of chapter ten finished. Thanks for all the great reviews and I'm glad everyone likes what I've done here. Now where did those squirrel remarks go.

Look out, it's Squirrel Girl! She's after me…aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!