Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Coven of the Rose ❯ Chapter 08 ( Chapter 8 )
[ A - All Readers ]
By: CRose 
Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 08.26.2006 | Pages: 7 | Words: 7.5K | Visits: 2.0K | Status: Completed
Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 08.26.2006 | Pages: 7 | Words: 7.5K | Visits: 2.0K | Status: Completed
DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…
AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT’S SQUIRREL GIRL AND SHE’S GOT A VULCAN CANNON!
This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.
oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 08
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo
“How is he?” Dumbledore asked as he stepped up to the bed where Kingsley Shacklebolt lay. A nurse was checking him over.
“Well, he seems to be fine physically, but its his mind that we are worried about Headmaster.” The nurse explained. “Any idea what was done to him? He doesn’t show any signs of spell damage.”
“He’s been trying to track down Harry Potter.” Dumbledore said.
“HehHehhehHehHeh…” Kingsley said with a manic grin on his face.
The nurse giggled a little and dabbed a cloth across the Auror's head. “I see. Potter has been rather busy the last few months.”
Albus just nodded. “Indeed.”
“Well Auror Shacklebold should be up and around here in a few months if he is given time to recover.”
“Any sooner than that?”
“HehHehhehHehHeh…who ya'gonna call?”
“He might be on his feet a lot sooner than that. The only problem is that if he is exposed to more stress he just might revert back to this state again. I’d like to avoid that, and it means giving him a forced vacation.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Dumbledore said as he turned to leave and stopped with a little gasp. The nurse turned and gaped at the fifty green robed house elves standing on every surface in the room. They were standing, kneeling, squatting, and even laying down.
"Giant Chicken! I tell you it was a giant chicken! Call KFC and tell'em we have a big one on our hands!! Hehehehehe!"
Green glowing eyes glared at Dumbledore for several seconds before the elves started to vanish one by one, until there was only one left. Dobby pushed his hood back to look up at Dumbledore. “Why you hurt Master Harry?”
“Dobby, I didn’t hurt Harry.”
“You left Master Harry Potter in that hole for two years.”
“Tom would have gone after him eventually.” Dumbledore insisted.
Dobby shook his head. “You are wrong. Dobby talked to evil one’s house elf and she said that there were no plans to ever attack Master Harry.”
This surprised Dumbledore. “All my evidence…”
“Came from traitor Snapey wappy. He looked nice in his new dress.” Dobby growled. “Yet you took his word above others. We will make all pay for mistake.”
“Now Dobby…” Dumbledore stated sternly.
“HehHehhehHehHeh…pluck pluck pluck!” Kingsley yelled and started cackling. The nurse was doing what she could talk him down.
“You have no right to order Dobby around.” Dobby stated and snapped his fingers.
Dumbledore felt his personal wards collapse, much to his horror, and he backed up as the world shifted. He found himself looking up at Dobby as he replaced his hood and those eerie green eyes lit up once more.
“You is bad and selfish man who only cares about himself and no one else.” Dobby vanished with a little pop. "Maybe you learn lesson this time?
Bunny rabbit Dumbledore twitched his ears and looked around to see that everyone in the ward except for Kingsley appeared to be rabbits of various colors and sizes. He sighed and started trying to reverse the transformation wandlessly. A few minutes later his nose twitched as he tried to cuss.
Wiggle twitch wiggle. Was anything going to go right this year?
“He’s gonna getcha, HehHehhehHehHeh…” Kingsley giggled to himself. “Bun-ny, heh…sleeepy”
oooooooooo
After taking a shower, Harry decided it was time to take a little break from the Prank War and develop some new ideas. Not that he was going to stop anything already in the works. Ron Weasley was on today's list and boy was he going to get it. He wandered through his new home and wondered just how much the elves had changed recently. The house tended to change around every few days so he was never quite sure where anything was at any given point. He still hadn’t managed to relocate that house’s room of requirement yet. One day he would find it and use it for what it was designed for, an emergency bathroom.
He wandered over to the library and breathed a sigh of relief that it hadn’t moved to a different part of the house. He headed over to the Book of Knowledge sitting on it’s stand in the middle of the circular room and flipped through it until he came to the newest pages. A lot of the spells he’d used recently came from the book and gave him a serious advantage.
The ups and downs of magic of the years fascinated him to no end. Instead of focusing on wars and goblins like most history books, Harry was learning about the rise of magic during the years before Merlin showed up. Professor Binns would have gladly possessed the nearest teenage girl and bore his children for this information. He already knew how to start training himself to do wandless magic too, opening Portals, and even confuse modern day Wards.
Life was good. And the Book of Knowledge was a gift from the gods.
A picture fell off the wall behind him for no particular reason.
Ancient magic just made the current stuff look pathetic. The newest pages from the Book were quite interesting though. He wrote down several spells in his notebook so that he could examine them a little closer later on. He could only smirk a little as he recalled how much Hermione squirmed when he started showing her the new spells.
It was kind of cute, in a purely plutonic unromantic way. He nodded to himself as thoughts of Hermione in black lingerie ended up dragged deep into his brain and packed away for later use. At the same though, an idea was forming in his head as his a magic quill copied out the text as he read the spell notes. It wasn't the most original idea and the spell wasn't exactly ancient, just unused.
He quickly ruled out having a several hundred snakes dancing on the steps of the ministry while hissing a new age dance song. Seconds later he found himself humming 'back racken beat' and twitching a little as if dancing. Thumping his head against the wall, he did his best to bet the song out of his head and moved on.
No one would get it, even if the snakes were break dancing and spinning on their heads occasionally, using their bodies to form letters. The stupid inbred yokels just didn’t have the brainpower to understand his subtleties. As he left the library, he noticed several snakes were slithering through hallway as they headed for the oversized bathroom the House elves had improved upon. They all seemed rather happy and tended to gossip with each other, though they rarely stayed a the house anymore.
They were wild animals after all, so they tended to head into the bathroom or the woods most of the time unless he called for them specifically. Of course, Quint was still around. For some reason he liked to move through all that gold filling up the guest bedroom. Swimming in it all day long and hissing happily. As he walked down the hall, he slowed to a stop as he saw a wall slowly sliding to the side to reveal a small passageway.
The house may have changed quite a bit, but he knew all the rooms in the house. Except one, now that he thought back a little. It was the room that he hadn’t been able to enter when he first arrived after escaping Azkaban. “What do we have here?” He muttered.
A quick check proved that he had his wand/staff in the arm holster he wore all the time. So he adjusted his green robe and stepped through the hidden doorway. There was a short hallway that led back about fifteen feet that ended at a very old tapestry that covered the entire wall, ten feet high and almost five feet wide.
Holding his wand up he filled the hallway with enough light to see everything and was mildly surprised. Centuries ago, long before magical portraits came into existence the wizarding world used tapestries. As time went by these ancient wall rugs were either destroyed or just lost their magic.
He could remember reading about them recently though. The tapestries were more durable than a portrait and could last for over a thousand years before the magic left them. The rug depicted a middle aged man sitting on a throne made of dark oak wood. Harry wasn’t to surprised to see the man look up at him before glancing around.
“I’m awake, fascinating.”
“Who are you?” Harry asked.
The man appeared surprised. “You don’t know?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I already knew.” He dead panned.
Leaning back, the man stretched and rubbed his shoulders. “I’m called Reise.”
Harry raised an eyebrow.
The man huffed. “You still don’t recognize me?”
“Nope, and now I’m thinking of leaving.” Harry admitted and started wiggling around. “I’ve got this itch you see and it's driving me nuts.”
“Long ago I was just a normal boy setting out into the world, my ancestors taught me magic, my parents taught me about live, and my sisters were more than happy to demonstrate. It was a good life.” The man gained a perverted smile and started chuckling in a creepy way.
“heh heh he heh heh he.”
Reise coughed and continued. “What I didn’t know was that this evil was rising near my home village. Our leaders were trying to stem the darkness as they had so many times before, but this time it was one of our own coming to call.”
Harry yawned.
“Hey, this story is pure gold. Let me have a little fun.”
“Just get on with it or I’ll sick my house elf on you with a rug beater.”
“Um, okay.” The man said and looked around nervously. “Anyway, my mother gave this foretelling and declared that I was to be the village’s savior. Me, Reise the Womanizer, the one who makes women swoon at the mere mention of his name…:
"Get on with it." Harry growled and pulled his wand out and gave it a few flicks.
Reise gulped and paled a bit. "Um…I was in shock, but I dutifully took up my sword and went out to meet this evil. After telling all the unwed girls in the village of course, I had a reputation to maintain, and boy did it work.” He smiled wickedly.
Harry had to agree it was a good plan. “I’ll have to try that sometime.”
“Now I wasn’t really looking forward to this fight, understand, I’m a lover and tend to avoid fighting at all costs. I wasn’t particularly strong magically and tended to study the pleasurable arts…”
Harry pretended to look at his wrist. “Look at the time, I’d better get going. See you around and all that rot…”
“Wait!” Reise yelled.
Harry stopped, but didn’t turn back around. “What?”
“I’m guarding a door. You just need to tell me the name of the man who created this place and I’ll let you into the other half of the place.”
He turned back around. “How about you just tell me the name and then I’ll give it to you?”
“That isn’t how this works.”
Harry’s eyes started to twinkle as he steps towards the tapestry. “Oh I think you’ll be telling me very soon.”
Seconds later screams could be heard echoing down the short hallway. A couple of elves poked their heads around the entrance to see what was going on, winced, and went back to cleaning on the other side of the house. A few minutes later strange lights and smoke started to billow out of the hallway along with screams of mercy.
“Ohshitohshitohshitohshit I’mgoingtodie!!!!!” Echoed through the house.
“Hey, I like the password.” Harry said with a laugh.
“No! I'll tell, I'll tell!”
The house rumbled for several seconds before things settled down again. By this time, Hermione was racing down the hall to see what was going on. She skidded to a halt and ran over to Harry, who was looking at another passage way where the tapestry used to hang.
“Not the most original password, but quite unique for its use I must admit.” Harry said aristocratically. “Hello Hermione, looky what I found.”
“A hole in the wall?”
“Exactly!” Harry yelled.
“And where does it lead?”
“I have no idea. The Tapestry needed to be persuaded to open up.”
Said tapestry was now hanging from the ceiling, its edges burned beyond recognition and Reise was curled up on his throne crying like a baby.”
“What did you do to him?”
“I just played with the magic a little. Nothing that would hurt him to much.” Harry explained, waved his hand, and Reise suddenly turned into a tiny green frog like creature.
“Kapa?!”
“So where does this lead?” Harry asked.
“Kapakapakakapakapa!”
The Kapa burst into tears again and ran behind his throne to hide. Harry grinned, shrugged, and decided that the tapestry was completely useless. “I guess I’ll have to do this the old fashioned way. I’ll find out on my own.”
With that Harry moved down the hallway and looked around here and there. Hermione quickly followed him as the walkway started to descend deep into the earth. “Weren’t we just on the second floor?”
“Yep.”
“There are days when magic gives me a complete headache.” Hermione admitted.
“I thought it gave you static electricity?” Harry admitted.
"Huh? Where did you come up with that?"
"It thought it would explain the bushy hair." Harry quipped. "Though a number of the guys at school were curious if you were bushy all over?"
She gasped, slapped him, and gaped at him in shock as she started to sputter.
Shrugging, Harry pulled out his wand again and lit up the passageway. “I wonder if there is anything down here.”
“The tapestry back there would seem to suggest that something is back here.” Hermione snapped.
“I’m kind of excited.” Harry said. “Everything in this place has been really useful so far. I wonder what well find this time?”
“That library of yours is incredible. I think that almost every book in there is either rare or completely lost to history. So I'm hoping for more books.”
“Yep they are, and I’m only about halfway through them.”
Hermione huffed and shrugged. She just wasn't sure how to read Harry anymore. Azkaban had just altered him on so many levels he was like a completely different person. “I’ve noticed that you haven’t touched any of the modern books yet.”
“Eh, I’ll get around to them eventually. I wouldn’t have been able to pull off the giant Iguana with modern magic after all. The poor thing is still running around muggle neighborhoods stepping on cars and frightening the animals.”
“Maybe you should banish it then?” She suggested.
“Naw, the muggles are happy to see the thing. Didn’t you see them running around like ants the other day? I’ve never seen them so happy to be chasing after a giant lizard. I wonder what they will do with the thing if they ever catch it? Eewwww!”
“What?”
Harry lifted his shoe and started scraping something off on the edge of a nearby wall. “Stepped on something.”
“Well be more careful.” She muttered. “What did you step on anyway?”
"Looks like it might have been a spider at some point, though the little hat is a bit strange."
Hermione gagged and looked away.
“Hey check this out.” Harry said a couple of minutes later. He pointed his wand ahead of them. “We seem to have reached the end of the passageway.”
Hermione peaked over his shoulder to get a better look. “It’s a circular room.”
“Yep.” Harry admitted mildly. He could feel a lot of magic held within the room as well. It impossible to tell what it was doing though. His sensing abilities were still in the novice levels. Conjuring a small frog he tossed it into the room and watched as it burst into fire before it hit the floor. “Ah, that’s pleasant.”
“That was gross!” Hermione gasped. “Don’t do that again!”
He shrugged. “Better him than us.”
“Look at the basic shape of the ceiling as it ascends to a point. That reminds of how the inside of a pyramid would look like from the inside.”
“Can you feel the magic?”
“I don’t feel a thing.” Hermione admitted.
“There is a lot of magic in that room.” Harry said. He had an idea what the room was used for too. Something that went out of use a very long time ago now that he thought about it some of the stories he'd been reading about in the Book. He would have to check some of the early pages to make sure though. “We better leave, I need to look something up before we enter the room.”
“Do you know what it is?”
“I think it’s a focus chamber. What wizards used before wands were invented.”
Hermione gasped. “These are supposed to be sacred rooms. Only the oldest and purest pureblood families posses them.”
“Yep, dead useful too.”
“Just think of all the possibilities.”
Harry nodded as he turned around and headed back the way he had come. “This changes my plans a little.”
“You have plans?” Hermione asked in shock. She looked a little skeptical or would that be hysterical?
“Sure, I plan a whole hour in advance before I do anything. Anything after that is completely random.” A nearby chair fell apart as they walked by and burst into flame.
Harry didn’t glanced at it, shrugged, and headed for the kitchen. “Want something to eat? I'm in the mood for some BBQ ribs.”
Exasperated, Hermione sighed and wondered what would happen next.
Harry started whistling some kind of weird song that sounded vaguely familiar.
"…back racken beat…uh uh unh! Yeah…"
oooooooooo
All across Britain Dobby and his team of elves worked like a well oiled machine as they invaded house after house to kidnap death eaters from their beds or where ever they lay. They sent them into a deeper sleep, trussed them up with red bows, and sent them to Harry’s little prison.
After about a dozen little death eaters they felt it was time to take down a couple of big ones. By the time midnight rolled around Aurors were stumbling across houses turned into giant blocks of limburger cheese with a giant Laughing ‘P’ hovering above the house. Harry was still trying to find the perfect symbol for his army so he tried something new every few days.
The Lestrange brothers knew that something was wrong the instant the elves entered the house. The first clue was when the family house elf ran screaming out the back door with its ratty doily on fire, it was kind of obvious even to them. All the furniture turned into cotton candy and little green robed elves started to appear throughout the house.
They tried to run for it but having its hard to run when our clothing turns to runny caramel. The last thing they saw was seven spheres appearing out of nowhere and blasting them. They collapsed to the floor in a heap. Dobby surveyed the scene, nodded to himself, and the elves took a few minutes to gnaw the legs off the dining room table for no apparent reason.
During the course of the next few hours, they managed to grab a silver pawed rat near the Burrow. Bellatrix Lestrange was easy to capture as she came home from a rough night of torture and mayhem among the muggles. Harry had the elves give her the special treatment as they captured her though. By the time she arrived in her cell she was dressed in a pink dress, with bows. And a diaper since she liked to talk like a baby.
One by one major death eaters started to fall.
Fenrir Greyback got chased across London by a series of news papers swatting him on the nose and ass as he ran in a panic. This punishment came complete with a flea bath, grooming, and his shots. The fact that he was human at the time and not in his wolf form just made it funnier as far as Harry was concerned. By the time the elves were done with him he was curled into a ball inside his 'special' cage. A magically reinforced pet carrier full of doggy chew toys.
Harry was on hand as each death eater appeared in his growing basement prison. Each one of them shrunk down to the size of a little doll. By the end of the week he hoped to have them all off the streets. After that, he would have to find something to do with them. Maybe he could find and shrink a dozen or so Dementors.
At Malfoy Manor things didn't go quite as they planned. The elves were surprised to find that Draco Malfoy didn’t have the dark mark. So they glued him to the front door with a permanent sticking charm and cast several spells. After that he would work just like a portrait, taking passwords, and opening the door only when commanded.
One of the elves happily painted every square inch of his body in a leaf motif. They didn’t manage to find Lucius, but Harry was sure it was only a matter of time. He already knew where Voldemort was hiding out after all, so he just had to get the ready to take the moron down. He would have to let him know that he wasn't as safe as he thought he was though.
That plan was in the beginning stages though. He had other people to Roast first and boy were they going to get an ear full. He wandered through the basement to make sure all the death eaters were safely tucked away and that Patric was on the job. He just got such a thrill listening to six inch people threaten to kill him. It was just so cute.
“Potter, you better let us out of here!” Rodolphus Lestrange screamed from his cage.
Harry glanced down at him and took a second to fill his little water dish. “Your five inches high, exactly what are going to do? Gnaw my toenail off?”
“Where are out wands?!” Bellatrix bellowed.
This made Harry smirk a little. “I gave them to my elves.”
“What?!” Half the room screamed.
“They wanted to do something interesting with them.”
“Bring us our wands and let us out boy, or I’ll make your death last for hours.”
“Who are you again?” Harry asked.
“I’m…”
“Nobody, except dinner for my snake if you don’t shut up.”
“Please, you don’t have the balls to kill me.”
Harry grinned and his madness was visible to all. “Really? Want to test that theory? I’ve got so many ideas floating around my head right now.”
“Um…” The man squeaked.
“Thank you for volunteering.”
“I did…”
“Yep.” Harry interrupted and waved his hand and front of the cage vanished. An elf appeared, reached in, and grabbed him before he could get away. Harry gave him a nod. “I think its time to start the re-education.”
“Of course Master Harry.”
Harry’s manic grin turned to take in all the other prisoners. “This is going to be so much fun.”
The elf took the man into the room next door and soon his screams were echoing around the room. These weren’t Crucio screams either, but terror filled screams that reached into their souls. Harry giggled.
“Come, come, it’s time to play ‘Pick your Brains’ who wants to be first?” Harry frowned. “Don’t make me pick who goes first. You might not enjoy what I’ll do to pick one of you.”
“Aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Now who’s going to go first.”
oooooooooo
Next door, the unknown death eater was bound, gagged, and tied to a tiny table. Several feet away two elves ignored him as they played some kind of device that screamed whenever they turned the handle. They giggled as they did it and kept glancing at him. He also wondered what the butter was going to be used for. It just sat a little too innocently on the table next to his foot.
oooooooooo
Harry glanced down at Peter Pettigrew and cocked his head to the side. “Hello Peter, you won’t be first. You’ll be last. I want your suffering to last the rest of your life after all. To know that every breath you take is because I let you live. Because you are such a coward that being tortured means more to you than friendship. You masochist you, who knew you liked it so rough.”
Harry’s grin split half his face as his head whipped to the side and he looked down into the tiny cage. “Yess, let us make an example of you.”
In his cage, Gregory Goyle screamed and wet himself as Harry’s giant hand reached down and plucked him out of the cage. “No!”
“Yes, you know how I like to hear them scream!”
“Aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Just like that! Bwhahahahahahahaha!” Harry threw his head back and cackled. “I’ve come up with a rather unique way to use butter. I think you’ll like it because it involves a wand and certain portions of your anatomy, and a bit of packing.” He said as he left the room to let the death eaters think up all kinds of horrors themselves.
Caractacus Burke of the Borgin and Burkes shop in Knockturn alley cowered in his cage as giant Harry Potter stomped by looking completely insane. He edgee to the back of the cage and wondered when his time would come. He knew of a dozen simple spells that could make a man scream like that and none of them were very nice spells.
Two cages over his partner Borgin cowered under his bed as Patric the Boa Constrictor rose up to look into his cage. He couldn't help wondering why the snake looked like it was hungry.
oooooooooo
The mess in Knockturn took says to clean up and it allowed the Aurors to finally go in and clean things up a bit. Hags and other monsters were driven back and hadn’t been seen since Potter’s Elves stole their pants and skirts and made a giant bonfire in the middle of the alley.
Dozens of stores went underground, vanished over night, and reappeared in new places all over the world. Within a week, several other stores went legit just to stay in business after being raided five times in three days by the authorities. Laughing dust tended to pop up in the oddest places to attack people wandering through the alley in a daze.
Just hearing someone laughing uncontrollably sent dozens of people running in the other direction. Of course, the biggest surprise wasn’t even reported to the authorities. The already popular prank store run by Fred and George Weasley had its entire stock vanish in the middle of the night. They knew that Harry took the stock and he left about twenty thousand galleons piled on floor at the end of their beds as payment. About four times what all the stuff was worth too.
They couldn’t wait to see what was going to happen when all that pranking material was used. By now, even as they made more, they understood that Harry didn’t usually do anything small. Two days later a life size poster of Snape in his school girl dress appeared on their counter and they nearly died laughing.
It hung on the wall just behind their counter now and sent everyone that saw it into fits of giggles. They heard that Harry had gotten Dumbledore as well, but no one would give them a peak at that memory when they asked. Dumbledore was stalking around the castle in a foul mood and scaring any of the students that may have seen him in the dress.
Hundres of miles away an elf wearing a green robe giggled as it deposited a small ball on the floor of a bedroom and tapped it. He disappeared just as it started to glow. The glow increased to the point where it woke up the boy in the bed.
Blinking his eyes Ron rolled over and pulled his wand as he realized something was wrong. Squinting into the bright light he had a feeling that Potter had finally come for him and leveled is wand. “Come out you bastard! I’ll make you pay.”
“DIFFINDO!”
The severing charm flew out of his wand and through bright light. It impacted the far wall and sliced right through it. Rolling out of bed Ron cautiously stepped forward. Only to stop when he felt a shiver go down his spine and make his hair stand on end.
“Potter?” He hissed.
“Thsssss.”
The noise, barely heard, was familiar enough to make him step back. The light seemed to draw in on itself until Ron found himself looking up at a giant Acromantula. It turned to look at it him with all those beady eyes. Ron bit back a scream as his worst nightmare stood before.
“Thssss, you want to play.” It said, in a high pitched lisping voice. “I soo want to plaay with you.”
Ron ran for it when it started talking. It scuttled after him with a couple of lazy strides, knocking him to the floor and crouching over him. “Nononono…”
“You shiver in delight.” It lisped again. “I will play with one as cute as you.”
“Nonononono! I don’t want to be spider food!”
It knelt down until its fangs were mere inches from his face. “Thssss, that’s what you think cute stuff.”
Three hours Molly Weasley found her son trussed up in a spider web and hanging from the ceiling of his room. She never did find his clothing though and wondered why he would curl into a ball and whimper whenever a spider got near him. Or scream ‘The lisp, the lisp!’ at odd times.
oooooooooo
Two days later, with a swirl of energy, a large disk of magical energy appeared a few inches off the ground and stabilized. Harry stepped out of the Portal and looked around. The cemetery in Little Hangleton was just like he remembered it. Run down and dreary enough to keep the muggles from entering it for any reason.
Off in the distance he could see the Riddle House over looking the small village. Even from this distance he could see the wards glimmering in the starlight. It rather reminded him of the air coming from Dudley's room on bean burrito night. The nearly black sky didn’t even have a moon illuminating the town tonight. His staff appeared in his hand as he walked across the graveyard with slow methodical steps until he came to a tombstone.
This was where Riddle had tied him up and taken his blood almost three years earlier. Back when he still believed that an adult might actually believe that his thoughts and feelings meant anything. Almost a year before he was tossed into hell. As far as he was concerned, this was where his whole life started to go down the toilet.
Harry was sure that Tom was inside the house and considered walking over and inviting him out for spot of tea. He grinned a little at the thought. His elves were very quickly undermining Tom’s base of supporters with every passing day. Soon, very soon the only one left would be Tom himself. The elves were already taking care of any non-human support he might have dredged up as well.
Vampires already familiar with what happened at Knockturn Alley found themselves faced with something they never considered before. House Elves that were willing glue their beds shut during the day using cement and a large truck. The horror of Harry Potter's revenge was spreading around the world and Voldemort supporters were fleeing before things go worse.
Werewolves found themselves faced with a different dilemma in the form of an elf delivered letter that simply listed the various vet prices for neutering dogs with bad tempers. At the bottom of each letter was one sentence. "Play nice or pay the price. Love Harry." The letter was clear enough as was the note from Prank Lord Potter.
That was yesterday.
Today Harry had another message to send to his old friend.
Pulling out a bag of popcorn, Harry conjures a floating chair, plants his staff into the dirt behind the chair and opens it like an umbrella, and sits down. He had to give Hermione credit for tonight’s prank. It was a classic to be sure, but even the twins would have liked this one. There was something about this house that brought out the worst in people. Hell the whole town was rather shabby and run down, but the manor stood out above it all.
There, in the distance, barely visible against the stars were two large flying objects. His eyes gleamed as they got close enough to reveal that they were a pair of Hungarian Horntail Dragons ‘borrowed’ from a nearby reserve. The dragons reached the town and flew over the little village silently. Harry didn't want to panic innocent morons, they tended to run like lemmings towards the nearest cliff. Therefore, the dragons were only visible to any wizards in the area.
And Squirrels. Those furry little rodents had been really irritating him lately.
Wards on a house are meant to keep bad things out. While dragons are indeed ‘bad things’ they are a little to big and powerful for a ward to hold back. Of course Harry had taken the time to make sure the dragons didn’t have to worry about the wards with a couple of spells.
They swooped down and cruised through the wards, setting off every alarm in the house. Giggling, Harry watched them fly over the house and relieve themselves like a pair of oversized pigeons. Over two hundred pounds of dragon dung landed on the roof and crashed into the house below. Even from the cemetery Harry could hear the screams issuing from the house.
Half a dozen death eaters stumbled out coughing up a storm. His elves, ever on alert, quickly popped them to the cells before they could reenter the house. Little bits of candy flew through the air and transfigured their clothing into bunny slippers. From there the slippers were herded back into the house filled with lots and lots of prank candy.
The dragons did a second fly over the house a few seconds later, dropped another ‘load’, and vanished into the night, their job complete. Harry was glad that dragons could speak parceltongue. It made his job so much easier and he found that dragons liked to play jokes like this all the time. Something dragon handlers wouldn’t talk about, ever.
Giggling, Harry saw lights flashing within the house as several curses reflected off the remaining windows, even a green one. A fire started to issue from the second and third floors of the house a few minutes alter, though it was tinted green, and rather aromatic.
With a nod Harry got up, raised his staff into the air (still in umbrella mode) and said an incantation for an ancient Auror spell. “Levitas Cado! Leitas Cado!”
A barrage of lightning fell from the empty sky to strike the house, rip several large holes through the roof, and spread the fire even more. As the wards collapsed Harry knew that Tom wasn’t in the house anymore and stood there watching as the house burned to the ground.
An hour later Aurors would find the house in ruins and a flag pole sitting in the middle of the mess. A little green flag flapping away with “Potter was here!” written in gold letters. That several piles of dragon dung that even fire couldn't destroy. Little Hangleton would rue this day for the next several months as winds blew the horrible smell down onto the village day and night.
oooooooooo
Twitching, Mad ‘eye’ Moody stomped his way into the Headmaster’s office for the fifth time in a week. Every time a portrait moved he would pull his wand snarl. He jumped at every shadow, little noises, and met casual greetings with a blasting curse.
He looked as if he hadn’t slept in a week.
It was actually two weeks, but he didn’t let that slow him down in the least. He snarled at a second year as he passed her in the hall. She flipped him off and went back to drawing something on the floor. He came that close to throwing a blasting curse at the brat, but decided he would get her later.
The gargoyle that normally guarded the Headmaster’s office wasn’t blocking the entrance like normal, so he had no trouble getting in. He raised his fist to knock…
“Come in Alastor.”
The door creaked as opened it, then fell off its hinges, and shattered as it hit the floor. They could only stare at the door for several seconds before Alastor prodded it with his wand to see if anything else would happen. Twitching a little, the man moved over to Dumbledore’s desk and sat down in one of the chairs.
“A-albus, the boy…”
“You found Harry?” Albus asked eagerly.
“No, he leveled Riddle Manor last night with a half dozen dragon turds.”
Dumbledore could only blink in shock.
“We found the house burning this morning when a few of the watchers noticed a pillar of smoke rising into the sky. Aurors were dispatched and found the place a burning pile of rubble.” Alastor’s eye started tick. His wand is instantly aimed at the head of a house elf that popped into deliver a morning tea.
“Eeep!” It vanished and the edge of Dumbledore’s desk vanished as the old Auror blasted it.
“Alastor, please calm down.”
The old Auror forced himself to calm down, but kept his fake eye on the portraits behind him. You never knew when one of them would try and kill you for being alive. He snarled. “I’ve a-also got a report that he loosed a homo Acromantula on Ronald Weasley early this morning.”
“Molly called and told me about that one. The twins are of course delighted and admitted that Harry used one of their pranks.”
“It was a prank?” Moody sputtered.
“I have to admit that Harry’s actions are perplexing. Severus is so angry right now that I had to have Poppy overdose him on Calming Drought. At the moment he’s sitting in his room staring into space and asking when the sky turned orange.” Albus shook his head.
Moody laughed. “Forget about the waste of air. The boy is out of control and we have to stop him before something really bad happens.”
“I’m open to suggestions. I’ve tried several things myself and they’ve all failed.”
“Tracking charms?”
“Nymphadora ended up in America for a week being forced to watch some kind of moving picture called Narnia over and over again. She hasn’t been the same since, keeps muttering about talking lions and ice statues.”
“Scrying?”
“Ah that. Poor Sybill was forced to watch fifty hours of something called Power Rangers on her crystal ball.”
“Then how about a hidden portkey?”
“We’re still searching for Emmeline Vance. Just last week Severus was able to find her shoes in South America and her bra in France. We aren’t quite sure where the rest of her might be.”
“Anything else?”
“Well Hagrid’s beard mysteriously fell out when he tried to contact Harry. And Minerva seems to attracted an admirer, though she hasn’t had time to even look for Harry. A chap named Bubba, a rather odd looking fairy. Severus was in the process of strangling him when Minerva saved him. He’s been hitting on her ever since. Says he likes women like her with padding in all the right places.” He says mildly.
Alastor growled. “Humph!”
“So, I’m out of ideas. You have anything?”
Alastor got up and stomped out of the room.
“Please be on your guard.” He called out. Yes, drinking calming potion in his tea was such a nice way to have breakfast. His magic wasn’t blowing up his bookshelves or twisting Fawks’ perch out of shape anymore.
Now if only he could get rid of his craving for raw carrots and lettuce.
oooooooooo
To be Continued…
Notes: I'm not quite satisfied with a couple of scenes in this chapter, but I think it's time to post it before I spend another week trying to improve it. I hope everyone likes it. Now that the death eaters are out of the way, mostly, it's time for Harry to really start pulling out all the stops.
AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT’S SQUIRREL GIRL AND SHE’S GOT A VULCAN CANNON!
This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.
oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 08
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo
“How is he?” Dumbledore asked as he stepped up to the bed where Kingsley Shacklebolt lay. A nurse was checking him over.
“Well, he seems to be fine physically, but its his mind that we are worried about Headmaster.” The nurse explained. “Any idea what was done to him? He doesn’t show any signs of spell damage.”
“He’s been trying to track down Harry Potter.” Dumbledore said.
“HehHehhehHehHeh…” Kingsley said with a manic grin on his face.
The nurse giggled a little and dabbed a cloth across the Auror's head. “I see. Potter has been rather busy the last few months.”
Albus just nodded. “Indeed.”
“Well Auror Shacklebold should be up and around here in a few months if he is given time to recover.”
“Any sooner than that?”
“HehHehhehHehHeh…who ya'gonna call?”
“He might be on his feet a lot sooner than that. The only problem is that if he is exposed to more stress he just might revert back to this state again. I’d like to avoid that, and it means giving him a forced vacation.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Dumbledore said as he turned to leave and stopped with a little gasp. The nurse turned and gaped at the fifty green robed house elves standing on every surface in the room. They were standing, kneeling, squatting, and even laying down.
"Giant Chicken! I tell you it was a giant chicken! Call KFC and tell'em we have a big one on our hands!! Hehehehehe!"
Green glowing eyes glared at Dumbledore for several seconds before the elves started to vanish one by one, until there was only one left. Dobby pushed his hood back to look up at Dumbledore. “Why you hurt Master Harry?”
“Dobby, I didn’t hurt Harry.”
“You left Master Harry Potter in that hole for two years.”
“Tom would have gone after him eventually.” Dumbledore insisted.
Dobby shook his head. “You are wrong. Dobby talked to evil one’s house elf and she said that there were no plans to ever attack Master Harry.”
This surprised Dumbledore. “All my evidence…”
“Came from traitor Snapey wappy. He looked nice in his new dress.” Dobby growled. “Yet you took his word above others. We will make all pay for mistake.”
“Now Dobby…” Dumbledore stated sternly.
“HehHehhehHehHeh…pluck pluck pluck!” Kingsley yelled and started cackling. The nurse was doing what she could talk him down.
“You have no right to order Dobby around.” Dobby stated and snapped his fingers.
Dumbledore felt his personal wards collapse, much to his horror, and he backed up as the world shifted. He found himself looking up at Dobby as he replaced his hood and those eerie green eyes lit up once more.
“You is bad and selfish man who only cares about himself and no one else.” Dobby vanished with a little pop. "Maybe you learn lesson this time?
Bunny rabbit Dumbledore twitched his ears and looked around to see that everyone in the ward except for Kingsley appeared to be rabbits of various colors and sizes. He sighed and started trying to reverse the transformation wandlessly. A few minutes later his nose twitched as he tried to cuss.
Wiggle twitch wiggle. Was anything going to go right this year?
“He’s gonna getcha, HehHehhehHehHeh…” Kingsley giggled to himself. “Bun-ny, heh…sleeepy”
oooooooooo
After taking a shower, Harry decided it was time to take a little break from the Prank War and develop some new ideas. Not that he was going to stop anything already in the works. Ron Weasley was on today's list and boy was he going to get it. He wandered through his new home and wondered just how much the elves had changed recently. The house tended to change around every few days so he was never quite sure where anything was at any given point. He still hadn’t managed to relocate that house’s room of requirement yet. One day he would find it and use it for what it was designed for, an emergency bathroom.
He wandered over to the library and breathed a sigh of relief that it hadn’t moved to a different part of the house. He headed over to the Book of Knowledge sitting on it’s stand in the middle of the circular room and flipped through it until he came to the newest pages. A lot of the spells he’d used recently came from the book and gave him a serious advantage.
The ups and downs of magic of the years fascinated him to no end. Instead of focusing on wars and goblins like most history books, Harry was learning about the rise of magic during the years before Merlin showed up. Professor Binns would have gladly possessed the nearest teenage girl and bore his children for this information. He already knew how to start training himself to do wandless magic too, opening Portals, and even confuse modern day Wards.
Life was good. And the Book of Knowledge was a gift from the gods.
A picture fell off the wall behind him for no particular reason.
Ancient magic just made the current stuff look pathetic. The newest pages from the Book were quite interesting though. He wrote down several spells in his notebook so that he could examine them a little closer later on. He could only smirk a little as he recalled how much Hermione squirmed when he started showing her the new spells.
It was kind of cute, in a purely plutonic unromantic way. He nodded to himself as thoughts of Hermione in black lingerie ended up dragged deep into his brain and packed away for later use. At the same though, an idea was forming in his head as his a magic quill copied out the text as he read the spell notes. It wasn't the most original idea and the spell wasn't exactly ancient, just unused.
He quickly ruled out having a several hundred snakes dancing on the steps of the ministry while hissing a new age dance song. Seconds later he found himself humming 'back racken beat' and twitching a little as if dancing. Thumping his head against the wall, he did his best to bet the song out of his head and moved on.
No one would get it, even if the snakes were break dancing and spinning on their heads occasionally, using their bodies to form letters. The stupid inbred yokels just didn’t have the brainpower to understand his subtleties. As he left the library, he noticed several snakes were slithering through hallway as they headed for the oversized bathroom the House elves had improved upon. They all seemed rather happy and tended to gossip with each other, though they rarely stayed a the house anymore.
They were wild animals after all, so they tended to head into the bathroom or the woods most of the time unless he called for them specifically. Of course, Quint was still around. For some reason he liked to move through all that gold filling up the guest bedroom. Swimming in it all day long and hissing happily. As he walked down the hall, he slowed to a stop as he saw a wall slowly sliding to the side to reveal a small passageway.
The house may have changed quite a bit, but he knew all the rooms in the house. Except one, now that he thought back a little. It was the room that he hadn’t been able to enter when he first arrived after escaping Azkaban. “What do we have here?” He muttered.
A quick check proved that he had his wand/staff in the arm holster he wore all the time. So he adjusted his green robe and stepped through the hidden doorway. There was a short hallway that led back about fifteen feet that ended at a very old tapestry that covered the entire wall, ten feet high and almost five feet wide.
Holding his wand up he filled the hallway with enough light to see everything and was mildly surprised. Centuries ago, long before magical portraits came into existence the wizarding world used tapestries. As time went by these ancient wall rugs were either destroyed or just lost their magic.
He could remember reading about them recently though. The tapestries were more durable than a portrait and could last for over a thousand years before the magic left them. The rug depicted a middle aged man sitting on a throne made of dark oak wood. Harry wasn’t to surprised to see the man look up at him before glancing around.
“I’m awake, fascinating.”
“Who are you?” Harry asked.
The man appeared surprised. “You don’t know?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I already knew.” He dead panned.
Leaning back, the man stretched and rubbed his shoulders. “I’m called Reise.”
Harry raised an eyebrow.
The man huffed. “You still don’t recognize me?”
“Nope, and now I’m thinking of leaving.” Harry admitted and started wiggling around. “I’ve got this itch you see and it's driving me nuts.”
“Long ago I was just a normal boy setting out into the world, my ancestors taught me magic, my parents taught me about live, and my sisters were more than happy to demonstrate. It was a good life.” The man gained a perverted smile and started chuckling in a creepy way.
“heh heh he heh heh he.”
Reise coughed and continued. “What I didn’t know was that this evil was rising near my home village. Our leaders were trying to stem the darkness as they had so many times before, but this time it was one of our own coming to call.”
Harry yawned.
“Hey, this story is pure gold. Let me have a little fun.”
“Just get on with it or I’ll sick my house elf on you with a rug beater.”
“Um, okay.” The man said and looked around nervously. “Anyway, my mother gave this foretelling and declared that I was to be the village’s savior. Me, Reise the Womanizer, the one who makes women swoon at the mere mention of his name…:
"Get on with it." Harry growled and pulled his wand out and gave it a few flicks.
Reise gulped and paled a bit. "Um…I was in shock, but I dutifully took up my sword and went out to meet this evil. After telling all the unwed girls in the village of course, I had a reputation to maintain, and boy did it work.” He smiled wickedly.
Harry had to agree it was a good plan. “I’ll have to try that sometime.”
“Now I wasn’t really looking forward to this fight, understand, I’m a lover and tend to avoid fighting at all costs. I wasn’t particularly strong magically and tended to study the pleasurable arts…”
Harry pretended to look at his wrist. “Look at the time, I’d better get going. See you around and all that rot…”
“Wait!” Reise yelled.
Harry stopped, but didn’t turn back around. “What?”
“I’m guarding a door. You just need to tell me the name of the man who created this place and I’ll let you into the other half of the place.”
He turned back around. “How about you just tell me the name and then I’ll give it to you?”
“That isn’t how this works.”
Harry’s eyes started to twinkle as he steps towards the tapestry. “Oh I think you’ll be telling me very soon.”
Seconds later screams could be heard echoing down the short hallway. A couple of elves poked their heads around the entrance to see what was going on, winced, and went back to cleaning on the other side of the house. A few minutes later strange lights and smoke started to billow out of the hallway along with screams of mercy.
“Ohshitohshitohshitohshit I’mgoingtodie!!!!!” Echoed through the house.
“Hey, I like the password.” Harry said with a laugh.
“No! I'll tell, I'll tell!”
The house rumbled for several seconds before things settled down again. By this time, Hermione was racing down the hall to see what was going on. She skidded to a halt and ran over to Harry, who was looking at another passage way where the tapestry used to hang.
“Not the most original password, but quite unique for its use I must admit.” Harry said aristocratically. “Hello Hermione, looky what I found.”
“A hole in the wall?”
“Exactly!” Harry yelled.
“And where does it lead?”
“I have no idea. The Tapestry needed to be persuaded to open up.”
Said tapestry was now hanging from the ceiling, its edges burned beyond recognition and Reise was curled up on his throne crying like a baby.”
“What did you do to him?”
“I just played with the magic a little. Nothing that would hurt him to much.” Harry explained, waved his hand, and Reise suddenly turned into a tiny green frog like creature.
“Kapa?!”
“So where does this lead?” Harry asked.
“Kapakapakakapakapa!”
The Kapa burst into tears again and ran behind his throne to hide. Harry grinned, shrugged, and decided that the tapestry was completely useless. “I guess I’ll have to do this the old fashioned way. I’ll find out on my own.”
With that Harry moved down the hallway and looked around here and there. Hermione quickly followed him as the walkway started to descend deep into the earth. “Weren’t we just on the second floor?”
“Yep.”
“There are days when magic gives me a complete headache.” Hermione admitted.
“I thought it gave you static electricity?” Harry admitted.
"Huh? Where did you come up with that?"
"It thought it would explain the bushy hair." Harry quipped. "Though a number of the guys at school were curious if you were bushy all over?"
She gasped, slapped him, and gaped at him in shock as she started to sputter.
Shrugging, Harry pulled out his wand again and lit up the passageway. “I wonder if there is anything down here.”
“The tapestry back there would seem to suggest that something is back here.” Hermione snapped.
“I’m kind of excited.” Harry said. “Everything in this place has been really useful so far. I wonder what well find this time?”
“That library of yours is incredible. I think that almost every book in there is either rare or completely lost to history. So I'm hoping for more books.”
“Yep they are, and I’m only about halfway through them.”
Hermione huffed and shrugged. She just wasn't sure how to read Harry anymore. Azkaban had just altered him on so many levels he was like a completely different person. “I’ve noticed that you haven’t touched any of the modern books yet.”
“Eh, I’ll get around to them eventually. I wouldn’t have been able to pull off the giant Iguana with modern magic after all. The poor thing is still running around muggle neighborhoods stepping on cars and frightening the animals.”
“Maybe you should banish it then?” She suggested.
“Naw, the muggles are happy to see the thing. Didn’t you see them running around like ants the other day? I’ve never seen them so happy to be chasing after a giant lizard. I wonder what they will do with the thing if they ever catch it? Eewwww!”
“What?”
Harry lifted his shoe and started scraping something off on the edge of a nearby wall. “Stepped on something.”
“Well be more careful.” She muttered. “What did you step on anyway?”
"Looks like it might have been a spider at some point, though the little hat is a bit strange."
Hermione gagged and looked away.
“Hey check this out.” Harry said a couple of minutes later. He pointed his wand ahead of them. “We seem to have reached the end of the passageway.”
Hermione peaked over his shoulder to get a better look. “It’s a circular room.”
“Yep.” Harry admitted mildly. He could feel a lot of magic held within the room as well. It impossible to tell what it was doing though. His sensing abilities were still in the novice levels. Conjuring a small frog he tossed it into the room and watched as it burst into fire before it hit the floor. “Ah, that’s pleasant.”
“That was gross!” Hermione gasped. “Don’t do that again!”
He shrugged. “Better him than us.”
“Look at the basic shape of the ceiling as it ascends to a point. That reminds of how the inside of a pyramid would look like from the inside.”
“Can you feel the magic?”
“I don’t feel a thing.” Hermione admitted.
“There is a lot of magic in that room.” Harry said. He had an idea what the room was used for too. Something that went out of use a very long time ago now that he thought about it some of the stories he'd been reading about in the Book. He would have to check some of the early pages to make sure though. “We better leave, I need to look something up before we enter the room.”
“Do you know what it is?”
“I think it’s a focus chamber. What wizards used before wands were invented.”
Hermione gasped. “These are supposed to be sacred rooms. Only the oldest and purest pureblood families posses them.”
“Yep, dead useful too.”
“Just think of all the possibilities.”
Harry nodded as he turned around and headed back the way he had come. “This changes my plans a little.”
“You have plans?” Hermione asked in shock. She looked a little skeptical or would that be hysterical?
“Sure, I plan a whole hour in advance before I do anything. Anything after that is completely random.” A nearby chair fell apart as they walked by and burst into flame.
Harry didn’t glanced at it, shrugged, and headed for the kitchen. “Want something to eat? I'm in the mood for some BBQ ribs.”
Exasperated, Hermione sighed and wondered what would happen next.
Harry started whistling some kind of weird song that sounded vaguely familiar.
"…back racken beat…uh uh unh! Yeah…"
oooooooooo
All across Britain Dobby and his team of elves worked like a well oiled machine as they invaded house after house to kidnap death eaters from their beds or where ever they lay. They sent them into a deeper sleep, trussed them up with red bows, and sent them to Harry’s little prison.
After about a dozen little death eaters they felt it was time to take down a couple of big ones. By the time midnight rolled around Aurors were stumbling across houses turned into giant blocks of limburger cheese with a giant Laughing ‘P’ hovering above the house. Harry was still trying to find the perfect symbol for his army so he tried something new every few days.
The Lestrange brothers knew that something was wrong the instant the elves entered the house. The first clue was when the family house elf ran screaming out the back door with its ratty doily on fire, it was kind of obvious even to them. All the furniture turned into cotton candy and little green robed elves started to appear throughout the house.
They tried to run for it but having its hard to run when our clothing turns to runny caramel. The last thing they saw was seven spheres appearing out of nowhere and blasting them. They collapsed to the floor in a heap. Dobby surveyed the scene, nodded to himself, and the elves took a few minutes to gnaw the legs off the dining room table for no apparent reason.
During the course of the next few hours, they managed to grab a silver pawed rat near the Burrow. Bellatrix Lestrange was easy to capture as she came home from a rough night of torture and mayhem among the muggles. Harry had the elves give her the special treatment as they captured her though. By the time she arrived in her cell she was dressed in a pink dress, with bows. And a diaper since she liked to talk like a baby.
One by one major death eaters started to fall.
Fenrir Greyback got chased across London by a series of news papers swatting him on the nose and ass as he ran in a panic. This punishment came complete with a flea bath, grooming, and his shots. The fact that he was human at the time and not in his wolf form just made it funnier as far as Harry was concerned. By the time the elves were done with him he was curled into a ball inside his 'special' cage. A magically reinforced pet carrier full of doggy chew toys.
Harry was on hand as each death eater appeared in his growing basement prison. Each one of them shrunk down to the size of a little doll. By the end of the week he hoped to have them all off the streets. After that, he would have to find something to do with them. Maybe he could find and shrink a dozen or so Dementors.
At Malfoy Manor things didn't go quite as they planned. The elves were surprised to find that Draco Malfoy didn’t have the dark mark. So they glued him to the front door with a permanent sticking charm and cast several spells. After that he would work just like a portrait, taking passwords, and opening the door only when commanded.
One of the elves happily painted every square inch of his body in a leaf motif. They didn’t manage to find Lucius, but Harry was sure it was only a matter of time. He already knew where Voldemort was hiding out after all, so he just had to get the ready to take the moron down. He would have to let him know that he wasn't as safe as he thought he was though.
That plan was in the beginning stages though. He had other people to Roast first and boy were they going to get an ear full. He wandered through the basement to make sure all the death eaters were safely tucked away and that Patric was on the job. He just got such a thrill listening to six inch people threaten to kill him. It was just so cute.
“Potter, you better let us out of here!” Rodolphus Lestrange screamed from his cage.
Harry glanced down at him and took a second to fill his little water dish. “Your five inches high, exactly what are going to do? Gnaw my toenail off?”
“Where are out wands?!” Bellatrix bellowed.
This made Harry smirk a little. “I gave them to my elves.”
“What?!” Half the room screamed.
“They wanted to do something interesting with them.”
“Bring us our wands and let us out boy, or I’ll make your death last for hours.”
“Who are you again?” Harry asked.
“I’m…”
“Nobody, except dinner for my snake if you don’t shut up.”
“Please, you don’t have the balls to kill me.”
Harry grinned and his madness was visible to all. “Really? Want to test that theory? I’ve got so many ideas floating around my head right now.”
“Um…” The man squeaked.
“Thank you for volunteering.”
“I did…”
“Yep.” Harry interrupted and waved his hand and front of the cage vanished. An elf appeared, reached in, and grabbed him before he could get away. Harry gave him a nod. “I think its time to start the re-education.”
“Of course Master Harry.”
Harry’s manic grin turned to take in all the other prisoners. “This is going to be so much fun.”
The elf took the man into the room next door and soon his screams were echoing around the room. These weren’t Crucio screams either, but terror filled screams that reached into their souls. Harry giggled.
“Come, come, it’s time to play ‘Pick your Brains’ who wants to be first?” Harry frowned. “Don’t make me pick who goes first. You might not enjoy what I’ll do to pick one of you.”
“Aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Now who’s going to go first.”
oooooooooo
Next door, the unknown death eater was bound, gagged, and tied to a tiny table. Several feet away two elves ignored him as they played some kind of device that screamed whenever they turned the handle. They giggled as they did it and kept glancing at him. He also wondered what the butter was going to be used for. It just sat a little too innocently on the table next to his foot.
oooooooooo
Harry glanced down at Peter Pettigrew and cocked his head to the side. “Hello Peter, you won’t be first. You’ll be last. I want your suffering to last the rest of your life after all. To know that every breath you take is because I let you live. Because you are such a coward that being tortured means more to you than friendship. You masochist you, who knew you liked it so rough.”
Harry’s grin split half his face as his head whipped to the side and he looked down into the tiny cage. “Yess, let us make an example of you.”
In his cage, Gregory Goyle screamed and wet himself as Harry’s giant hand reached down and plucked him out of the cage. “No!”
“Yes, you know how I like to hear them scream!”
“Aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Just like that! Bwhahahahahahahaha!” Harry threw his head back and cackled. “I’ve come up with a rather unique way to use butter. I think you’ll like it because it involves a wand and certain portions of your anatomy, and a bit of packing.” He said as he left the room to let the death eaters think up all kinds of horrors themselves.
Caractacus Burke of the Borgin and Burkes shop in Knockturn alley cowered in his cage as giant Harry Potter stomped by looking completely insane. He edgee to the back of the cage and wondered when his time would come. He knew of a dozen simple spells that could make a man scream like that and none of them were very nice spells.
Two cages over his partner Borgin cowered under his bed as Patric the Boa Constrictor rose up to look into his cage. He couldn't help wondering why the snake looked like it was hungry.
oooooooooo
The mess in Knockturn took says to clean up and it allowed the Aurors to finally go in and clean things up a bit. Hags and other monsters were driven back and hadn’t been seen since Potter’s Elves stole their pants and skirts and made a giant bonfire in the middle of the alley.
Dozens of stores went underground, vanished over night, and reappeared in new places all over the world. Within a week, several other stores went legit just to stay in business after being raided five times in three days by the authorities. Laughing dust tended to pop up in the oddest places to attack people wandering through the alley in a daze.
Just hearing someone laughing uncontrollably sent dozens of people running in the other direction. Of course, the biggest surprise wasn’t even reported to the authorities. The already popular prank store run by Fred and George Weasley had its entire stock vanish in the middle of the night. They knew that Harry took the stock and he left about twenty thousand galleons piled on floor at the end of their beds as payment. About four times what all the stuff was worth too.
They couldn’t wait to see what was going to happen when all that pranking material was used. By now, even as they made more, they understood that Harry didn’t usually do anything small. Two days later a life size poster of Snape in his school girl dress appeared on their counter and they nearly died laughing.
It hung on the wall just behind their counter now and sent everyone that saw it into fits of giggles. They heard that Harry had gotten Dumbledore as well, but no one would give them a peak at that memory when they asked. Dumbledore was stalking around the castle in a foul mood and scaring any of the students that may have seen him in the dress.
Hundres of miles away an elf wearing a green robe giggled as it deposited a small ball on the floor of a bedroom and tapped it. He disappeared just as it started to glow. The glow increased to the point where it woke up the boy in the bed.
Blinking his eyes Ron rolled over and pulled his wand as he realized something was wrong. Squinting into the bright light he had a feeling that Potter had finally come for him and leveled is wand. “Come out you bastard! I’ll make you pay.”
“DIFFINDO!”
The severing charm flew out of his wand and through bright light. It impacted the far wall and sliced right through it. Rolling out of bed Ron cautiously stepped forward. Only to stop when he felt a shiver go down his spine and make his hair stand on end.
“Potter?” He hissed.
“Thsssss.”
The noise, barely heard, was familiar enough to make him step back. The light seemed to draw in on itself until Ron found himself looking up at a giant Acromantula. It turned to look at it him with all those beady eyes. Ron bit back a scream as his worst nightmare stood before.
“Thssss, you want to play.” It said, in a high pitched lisping voice. “I soo want to plaay with you.”
Ron ran for it when it started talking. It scuttled after him with a couple of lazy strides, knocking him to the floor and crouching over him. “Nononono…”
“You shiver in delight.” It lisped again. “I will play with one as cute as you.”
“Nonononono! I don’t want to be spider food!”
It knelt down until its fangs were mere inches from his face. “Thssss, that’s what you think cute stuff.”
Three hours Molly Weasley found her son trussed up in a spider web and hanging from the ceiling of his room. She never did find his clothing though and wondered why he would curl into a ball and whimper whenever a spider got near him. Or scream ‘The lisp, the lisp!’ at odd times.
oooooooooo
Two days later, with a swirl of energy, a large disk of magical energy appeared a few inches off the ground and stabilized. Harry stepped out of the Portal and looked around. The cemetery in Little Hangleton was just like he remembered it. Run down and dreary enough to keep the muggles from entering it for any reason.
Off in the distance he could see the Riddle House over looking the small village. Even from this distance he could see the wards glimmering in the starlight. It rather reminded him of the air coming from Dudley's room on bean burrito night. The nearly black sky didn’t even have a moon illuminating the town tonight. His staff appeared in his hand as he walked across the graveyard with slow methodical steps until he came to a tombstone.
This was where Riddle had tied him up and taken his blood almost three years earlier. Back when he still believed that an adult might actually believe that his thoughts and feelings meant anything. Almost a year before he was tossed into hell. As far as he was concerned, this was where his whole life started to go down the toilet.
Harry was sure that Tom was inside the house and considered walking over and inviting him out for spot of tea. He grinned a little at the thought. His elves were very quickly undermining Tom’s base of supporters with every passing day. Soon, very soon the only one left would be Tom himself. The elves were already taking care of any non-human support he might have dredged up as well.
Vampires already familiar with what happened at Knockturn Alley found themselves faced with something they never considered before. House Elves that were willing glue their beds shut during the day using cement and a large truck. The horror of Harry Potter's revenge was spreading around the world and Voldemort supporters were fleeing before things go worse.
Werewolves found themselves faced with a different dilemma in the form of an elf delivered letter that simply listed the various vet prices for neutering dogs with bad tempers. At the bottom of each letter was one sentence. "Play nice or pay the price. Love Harry." The letter was clear enough as was the note from Prank Lord Potter.
That was yesterday.
Today Harry had another message to send to his old friend.
Pulling out a bag of popcorn, Harry conjures a floating chair, plants his staff into the dirt behind the chair and opens it like an umbrella, and sits down. He had to give Hermione credit for tonight’s prank. It was a classic to be sure, but even the twins would have liked this one. There was something about this house that brought out the worst in people. Hell the whole town was rather shabby and run down, but the manor stood out above it all.
There, in the distance, barely visible against the stars were two large flying objects. His eyes gleamed as they got close enough to reveal that they were a pair of Hungarian Horntail Dragons ‘borrowed’ from a nearby reserve. The dragons reached the town and flew over the little village silently. Harry didn't want to panic innocent morons, they tended to run like lemmings towards the nearest cliff. Therefore, the dragons were only visible to any wizards in the area.
And Squirrels. Those furry little rodents had been really irritating him lately.
Wards on a house are meant to keep bad things out. While dragons are indeed ‘bad things’ they are a little to big and powerful for a ward to hold back. Of course Harry had taken the time to make sure the dragons didn’t have to worry about the wards with a couple of spells.
They swooped down and cruised through the wards, setting off every alarm in the house. Giggling, Harry watched them fly over the house and relieve themselves like a pair of oversized pigeons. Over two hundred pounds of dragon dung landed on the roof and crashed into the house below. Even from the cemetery Harry could hear the screams issuing from the house.
Half a dozen death eaters stumbled out coughing up a storm. His elves, ever on alert, quickly popped them to the cells before they could reenter the house. Little bits of candy flew through the air and transfigured their clothing into bunny slippers. From there the slippers were herded back into the house filled with lots and lots of prank candy.
The dragons did a second fly over the house a few seconds later, dropped another ‘load’, and vanished into the night, their job complete. Harry was glad that dragons could speak parceltongue. It made his job so much easier and he found that dragons liked to play jokes like this all the time. Something dragon handlers wouldn’t talk about, ever.
Giggling, Harry saw lights flashing within the house as several curses reflected off the remaining windows, even a green one. A fire started to issue from the second and third floors of the house a few minutes alter, though it was tinted green, and rather aromatic.
With a nod Harry got up, raised his staff into the air (still in umbrella mode) and said an incantation for an ancient Auror spell. “Levitas Cado! Leitas Cado!”
A barrage of lightning fell from the empty sky to strike the house, rip several large holes through the roof, and spread the fire even more. As the wards collapsed Harry knew that Tom wasn’t in the house anymore and stood there watching as the house burned to the ground.
An hour later Aurors would find the house in ruins and a flag pole sitting in the middle of the mess. A little green flag flapping away with “Potter was here!” written in gold letters. That several piles of dragon dung that even fire couldn't destroy. Little Hangleton would rue this day for the next several months as winds blew the horrible smell down onto the village day and night.
oooooooooo
Twitching, Mad ‘eye’ Moody stomped his way into the Headmaster’s office for the fifth time in a week. Every time a portrait moved he would pull his wand snarl. He jumped at every shadow, little noises, and met casual greetings with a blasting curse.
He looked as if he hadn’t slept in a week.
It was actually two weeks, but he didn’t let that slow him down in the least. He snarled at a second year as he passed her in the hall. She flipped him off and went back to drawing something on the floor. He came that close to throwing a blasting curse at the brat, but decided he would get her later.
The gargoyle that normally guarded the Headmaster’s office wasn’t blocking the entrance like normal, so he had no trouble getting in. He raised his fist to knock…
“Come in Alastor.”
The door creaked as opened it, then fell off its hinges, and shattered as it hit the floor. They could only stare at the door for several seconds before Alastor prodded it with his wand to see if anything else would happen. Twitching a little, the man moved over to Dumbledore’s desk and sat down in one of the chairs.
“A-albus, the boy…”
“You found Harry?” Albus asked eagerly.
“No, he leveled Riddle Manor last night with a half dozen dragon turds.”
Dumbledore could only blink in shock.
“We found the house burning this morning when a few of the watchers noticed a pillar of smoke rising into the sky. Aurors were dispatched and found the place a burning pile of rubble.” Alastor’s eye started tick. His wand is instantly aimed at the head of a house elf that popped into deliver a morning tea.
“Eeep!” It vanished and the edge of Dumbledore’s desk vanished as the old Auror blasted it.
“Alastor, please calm down.”
The old Auror forced himself to calm down, but kept his fake eye on the portraits behind him. You never knew when one of them would try and kill you for being alive. He snarled. “I’ve a-also got a report that he loosed a homo Acromantula on Ronald Weasley early this morning.”
“Molly called and told me about that one. The twins are of course delighted and admitted that Harry used one of their pranks.”
“It was a prank?” Moody sputtered.
“I have to admit that Harry’s actions are perplexing. Severus is so angry right now that I had to have Poppy overdose him on Calming Drought. At the moment he’s sitting in his room staring into space and asking when the sky turned orange.” Albus shook his head.
Moody laughed. “Forget about the waste of air. The boy is out of control and we have to stop him before something really bad happens.”
“I’m open to suggestions. I’ve tried several things myself and they’ve all failed.”
“Tracking charms?”
“Nymphadora ended up in America for a week being forced to watch some kind of moving picture called Narnia over and over again. She hasn’t been the same since, keeps muttering about talking lions and ice statues.”
“Scrying?”
“Ah that. Poor Sybill was forced to watch fifty hours of something called Power Rangers on her crystal ball.”
“Then how about a hidden portkey?”
“We’re still searching for Emmeline Vance. Just last week Severus was able to find her shoes in South America and her bra in France. We aren’t quite sure where the rest of her might be.”
“Anything else?”
“Well Hagrid’s beard mysteriously fell out when he tried to contact Harry. And Minerva seems to attracted an admirer, though she hasn’t had time to even look for Harry. A chap named Bubba, a rather odd looking fairy. Severus was in the process of strangling him when Minerva saved him. He’s been hitting on her ever since. Says he likes women like her with padding in all the right places.” He says mildly.
Alastor growled. “Humph!”
“So, I’m out of ideas. You have anything?”
Alastor got up and stomped out of the room.
“Please be on your guard.” He called out. Yes, drinking calming potion in his tea was such a nice way to have breakfast. His magic wasn’t blowing up his bookshelves or twisting Fawks’ perch out of shape anymore.
Now if only he could get rid of his craving for raw carrots and lettuce.
oooooooooo
To be Continued…
Notes: I'm not quite satisfied with a couple of scenes in this chapter, but I think it's time to post it before I spend another week trying to improve it. I hope everyone likes it. Now that the death eaters are out of the way, mostly, it's time for Harry to really start pulling out all the stops.