[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

CHAPPY 2- what is a douche bag?

As the group of girls who had been coming down stairs for breakfast heard Sirius' agonized scream, they ran down to the common room and several pulled their wands to hex him. One, Marlene McKinnon, shouted out a spell before anyone else could. Sirius passed out on the floor, and turned hot pink, all over. “You perverted imbecile! There are young children here, and you yell out awful things like that?! What is happening in your brain Black, it can't be thinking.” Marlene woke up Sirius so that she could continue her rant.

Sirius sat up cautiously as Marlene raved madly about how he was going to poison the future of the wizarding world, when their eyes met. Marlene stopped mid-rant, and gasped, “Dear Merlin, I'm in love with an idiot.”

Marlene's friends brought her to the Great Hall, assuring her that she was only in shock, while Sirius grudgingly made his way to the library, where he checked out every dictionary he could find. In his dormitory, Sirius sat on his bed all Saturday, and muttered to himself as he looked for each word. “Ok, now is it duch bag? No... how about duche... no, hmmm doche? Uggg, I give up. Let's look under “c” for callipygiant.

Remus saw Sirius and tried to stealthily make it to the exit before the hyperactive dog saw him... no such luck, as soon as the werewolf was about to leave the library, the dog had caught sight of him.

“Remmy!! I cant find douche bag anywhere!” moaned Sirius as Remus tried to hide himself from public view as a group of 4th year Ravenclaw's passed, chuckling under their breathes. “In fact I can't find callipygiant, or any of the other scholarly words you and big red used!

“It's not fair Remus! Just tell me what Douche bag means and I'll figure out the rest, at least then I can finally understand what you are calling me.”

Remus sighed in defeat now all of Hogwarts seemed to have mysteriously decided to crowd into the library to watch the interaction. There was hysterical laughs coming from the older students who knew exactly what both douche bag and callipygiant had meant, the ones who didn't waited patiently for their vocabulary lesson. To make matters worse some of the teachers had decided to join in including the one called Professor Dumbledore.

“Everyone please quiet down while Mr. Lupin explains to the room what a douche bag is.” Dumbledore said, with a gleam in his eye

Remus turned the darkest shade of crimson that anyone had and will ever achieved, he was completely mortified to say the least. It was bad enough the whole school was here plus the teachers but Dumbledore too? This was his hell on earth, what had he done to deserve this? He was turned into a werewolf at the age of five wasn't that punishment enough? Apparently someone up there didn't like him because standing in front of him was the one the only Severus Snape, if things were bad they where just about to get a lot worse.

Severus Snape fought to the front of the crowd, his groupies following his lead, once situated he placed on his face his trademark sneer, “Yes Lupin, please tell us what a douche bag is. I'm sure the whole school just can't wait to hear the definition from someone who has as much experience in this subject as you have.”

“Well Snape maybe you should be the one to explain seeing as we all know, you use one.”

Snape was quiet and Sirius looked as confused as ever, “Remus what is a douche bag?”

Remus sighed and muttered under his breath, “Might as well get this over with.”

In a louder voice he said, “A douche bag is a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas.”

At the crowds blank stares he elaborated, “ A syringe is a medical instrument used by muggles to inject fluids into the body or draw them from it. And an enema is an ejection of liquid through the arse, for cleansing purposes. So basically a douche bag is a bottle with a top used to take or put liquids into the body through the arse.”

The crowd had many reactions to that statement, some more lively than others. A few girls passed out from mere shock, quite a few looked disgusted though most looked downright amused.

The some random person called out, “Then what does callipygian mean then.”

Remus banged his head against the closest wall and groaned, “This is going to be a long night.”

chapter 3 – Enter Mrs. Black

Turning to face the crowd, Remus was horrified to find that McGonagall had joined Dumbledore, and she said, “Yes, Mr. Lupin, please, tell us what callipygian means. I'm sure we're all dying to know.” As Remus shifted uncomfortably, McGonagall sent a glance at Dumbledore.

“Well, erm, callipygian is when someone is considered to have a perfectly shaped posterior.” Remus finally said with a blush which turned him a further shade red.

Snape sneered, “And would you like to explain to our lesser minded friends what you mean by posterior. I don't think Black got your meaning.”

Even more embarrassed, and unable to turn a deeper red, Remus became a dark purple, and stuttered, “Well, a very nicely shaped rear end.”

The library was now nearly bursting with the entire population of the school, even the house elves and ghosts had gathered with them, when they heard about the abnormal number of people in the library. Sirius now pushed to the front of the crowd, and yelled, “Remmy! Some kid just asked me what faunoiphilia means. Remmy, what does faunoiphilia mean?”

At that point, Remus was momentarily saved from answering the question by the untimely arrival of Walburga Black and Argus Filch. Walburga, having heard the question, exploded instantly. “HALF-BREEDS, MUDBLOODS, AND BLOOD TRAITORS THE LOT OF YOU! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF SUCH THINGS NEAR MY SON, REGULUS?! HOW DARE YOU, YOU AMYCHESISIST PIG!”

Remus blinked. He blinked again, and then again. Finally, Remus whispered under his breath, “Sirius, you prick, look what you've done.” Out loud, Remus politely replied, “Mrs. Black, I beg your pardon, but I am afraid I do not participate in the activities necessary to be such a person. I cannot control who followed me here, nor that I was demanded of by the school to explain terms which I personally do not use.”

Mrs. Black gave Remus a stony look and turned on Dumbledore, “And you allow them to do this, even watch and egg them on!”

McGonagall silently berated the witch in her head, but Remus had finally lost his patience. Remus was hard to anger, but terrifying once he got rolling. “How dare you say that, you, you... Colpocoquette!”

The crowd was staring at them in shock, but the entertainment was not over yet. Mrs. Black turned a livid shade of red, “How DARE you! I have no words for a boy so insolent.”

Sirius crowed, “Finally, she stopped talking! I doubt this will happen again, even after her death, thank Merlin for when that will happen.”

James, from behind them smirked insidiously, and called, “Hey, Remus! What does faunoiphilia, amychesisist and colpocoquette mean?”

McGonagall just happened to cough something that sounded suspiciously like, “Ha, the old hag!”

Dumbledore smiled serenely, and suggested, “Perhaps you might enlighten us, Mr. Lupin?”

Mrs. Black screamed at such a decibel, that it was beyond hearing as Remus fidgeted uncomfortably, “Well, faunoiphilia is when you, um... Enjoy, I suppose watching animals... Mate.” After an awkward pause, he continued, “Erm, Malfoy, I'm sure you know what amychesisist means. You can explain.”

After a quick curse, Lucius Malfoy, one of the top three most promiscuous boys in school, was forced to come to the front and say, “Amychesisism is when you claw at your partner in the heat of passion.”

A stunned silence filled the library, and finally, someone yelled, “Oi, Malfoy, where'd you learn that one!?”

Malfoy, now under his own control, replied, “Your mother, Nott. She taught me a lot of things.”

The other boy would have hexed him had Mrs. Black not brought her voice down to a human level, and screamed at Lupin, “How could you call me such a thing?! You should not be having such thoughts about my form, nor how I use my gifts!”

Several girls gagged, and Remus hid behind Sirius, whispering in his ear. The black haired boy yelped, “You said my mum had a chest and knew how to seduce people with it?! I'm scarred for life now, my best friend checked out my mum's rack!”

James shivered, and immediately began to picture Lily, hoping her face would erase the nasty images forming in his head. As Dumbledore ushered the crowds away from the few who had taken some of the information too deeply and were up chucking, had fainted, or were in various stages of disgust or shock. Sirius, hearing a group of boys walking by, asked Remus, “Remmy, what does brassirothesauriast mean?” chapter 4 – Surrounded by Idiots

Remus walked away and banged his head on the nearest wall, at least until Sirius decided to walk away. Lily came up behind Remus, hysterical laughing, and gave him a sympathetic pat on the back.

“I am so sorry, hehe... I never in my wildest dreams thought that, that would happen.”

Remus turned and glared at her, “This is all your fault!” he hissed angrily, “Had you just explained the definitions to him I could have avoided this... this, this disaster! Now everyone thinks I'm some perverted boy who checks out Sirius' mum!!”

“Okay, maybe most of it was, but that wasn't my fault.”

Remus gave her a look that clearly said he didn't care, and he disappeared out of the nearly empty library.



At breakfast the next morning, when the morning mail came, a howler arrived for Remus from noe one other than the Black Families very own “lovable” house elf.

“ HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT MY MISTRESS' ENDOWMENTS IN THAT WAY! STAY AWAY FROM MY MASTERS, YOU HALF-BRED PIG!”

Remus blushed to the roots of his hair as the howler burst into flames. Anyone who wasn't in the library yesterday and hadn't heard of the events (though they'd have to live under a rock not to know), certainly got the gist of it now.

Lowering his head to the table, Remus tried to disappear into the hole that he desperately wished would open in the floor and swallow him whole. To the Gryffindor's, and the entire hall's shock, Remus actually fell into a hole in the floor.

Sirius glanced down into the hole, and began to laugh. On the other side of table, James and Peter crawled under the table to look too. Peter “accidentally” slipped over the edge, and fell on top of Remus. James smirked at Sirius, and they slapped high fives. As they took their hands away, James, pulled Sirius' hand, and he fell in on top of them. James was left the only one standing, at least until Sirius pulled his wand and magically tripped him so that he fell into the hole.

Remus looked around the really crowded hole and tried to find a way out, luckily for him the just happened to be a tunnel right under Sirius' callipygian behind. “Move it, Padfoot, there's a second tunnel under your arse.” Remus shoved the boy in annoyance, and slipped down the hole. Down the other path, they four found a network of tunnels leading out of the Great Hall, and to various classrooms.

Above them, James heard the hall attempting to re-open the hole which had closed behind them. Soon the four emerged in an unused classroom, and silently made their way back to their dorm.



Once they had gotten into their dorm, Remus shoved Sirius onto one of the nearest beds, when Sirius looked at him questioningly, Remus just glared at him.

“What?” asked Sirius

“You know what, you stupid dill hole, you planned this I have no idea how the hell you had gotten Kreature of all house elves to participate but you did.”

“I did not!” said Sirius acting as if he was hurt by the accusation.

“Of course you did, I remember I was there when you wrote the letter to Kreature.” said Peter, “You told me not to say anything.”

James snickered softly, and Sirius looked amused, “Yeah I did do that didn't I?” He polished off his fingernails and looked extremely proud of himself.

Remus picked up an extremely large book, and hit Sirius over the head with it before chucking it at Peter. “That's what you get for trying to prank the brains of your group!” Remus snapped before stalking out of the room.

Sirius rubbed the sore spot on his head, and Peter slumped to the floor, blood flowing from a broken nose. James winced, and levitated the overweight boy to the Hospital Wing, Sirius trailing behind them. Peter had to stay over night, so Sirius and James retreated to a tree by the lake. James sighed, “You know you shouldn't have made Kreature send that howler. This is Remus, and he insulted your mum, not checked her out.”

Growling Sirius hissed, “And how do you figure that, James?”

“Sirius, colpocoquette basically sums up what you've always said about your mum when you add prat and bitch.” James explained. This made Sirius grin, and then groan.

Hitting the back of his head repeatedly on the tree they were leaning against, Sirius said, “And now Remus is going to murder me.”