Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Concerning him ❯ Concerning me ( Chapter 2 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Stray 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 753 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 753 | Status: Work In Progress
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Chapter 02
Concerning me
by Stray
16. 10. 2003
Rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
Comment: As you can see I did the first chapter a few days ago, but couldn’t post it till yesterday. Next day I got some ideas for the sequel in a dream (it won’t be to dreamlike though). But I wanted to get some opinions before I went forward with it. Now I think it will stretch to more than three chapters and I already have some ideas but I can’t see it in whole so another sequels will follow. You just have to wait a little.
And yes, as you can read below they are twenty-some years old here. Sorry, I didn’t mention it before. Oh, and MANY THANKS for the reviews! I have to admit, I was a little scared that you would mention my grammar or semantics because it’s the first time I write something in English.
Hope, you enjoy.
Stray
Note: also corrected (like chapter1)!
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For better understanding: the paragraphs beginning with "..." are also the parts where Hikaru starts to dig up memories.
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That night I couldn’t sleep very well. I held him in his sleep thinking about things he said and I said then about other times, when we were younger. I drifted into a dream of swirling chaos of my thoughts and memories merged together in a confusing mixture. I could have barely slept a few hours when I woke up hearing voices and feeling someone shivering and twitching next to me. "Father, no! Please! I didn’t do anything wrong… did I?"
He was dreaming of _that_ again. I don’t know if anyone besides me knew about that he had some sort of really nasty dreams. And maybe no other than me knew the origin of those dreams. It weren’t his slips into the dark side of the nightlife, nor the fear of having unveiled his shame, but the love and pride of a father.
…When he was a child, his father loved him the most, taught him his Go and they discussed everything. There were no secrets between them; there were also no need for secrets. Over a too long period of time it’s just not healthy. Everyone needs his own secrets. I had also secrets beginning with Sai’s existence but not ending there. As a child grows up, adolescence comes and the little secrets just multiply. I mean what boy would tell his parents about his morning erection, his first time to cum by masturbating… He was that kind. His only interest was Go he didn’t have friends, boys of his own age, but he caught up things from here and there. So I could say, he was a very mature kid. And knowing his father very well, he decided for the first time not to tell him about something: his first kiss…
…He knew from the start what kind of a guy he would be, where his interests lay. He wasn’t drifting between partners of different genders, never had a girlfriend, not even for trying how it could be. So his first kiss was like expected also with a guy - five years his senior. He was fifteen. It was the time when the two of us started to become friends. Of course I didn’t know about the whole thing either. He could keep it secret from everyone because no one had expected him to have a secret of that dimension. Most people thought him to be transparent and emotionless, only living and caring for Go. I have seen his other side, the passionate, intense one that showed me on occasions we played Go that ended in a heated argument. I don’t know whether he was like that with his frequently changing acquaintances or the "cold fish" he was called by everyone behind his back…
He ended up with his back to me huddled into a foetal position. I turned to my side and carefully shifted him into a tender hug to stop his shivering. He seemed to calm down a little, but his soft cries didn’t stop by that. I caressed his face to wake him up gently, not all of a sudden, and it worked. He opened his eyelids only slightly like he was half asleep. "Bad dream" I said then stroke his hair. "Sleep now, and try to dream of something happier this time!" He nodded slowly and closed his eyes again. It didn’t pass a second after he was asleep once more.
…It was after he became five-dan, I think two or three months past after that, that he called me on the phone in the middle of the night. It was my second night in my new apartment and I didn’t even remember having given him my phone number. It must have been at the first night’s big party. I woke up a little dizzy; first I didn’t find the phone in my new, unfamiliar surroundings. I heard his voice, weak and broken, so unlike him - I thought; that first I didn’t even believe it was him, ’thought it’s a prank call from my friends. He said he was in the neighborhood and couldn’t go home because of a certain matter he wasn’t willing to tell about. He politely asked me if I would mind to accommodate him for the remainder of the night. I threw a glimpse at the digital chronometer standing on the nightstand realizing it was two o’clock in the morning. I said "no prob’" and couldn’t imagine what circumstance could drift him at that time to my door.
I got a bathrobe on my shoulders till I was waiting for him to come up with the elevator and tried to suppress my yawns. It was dark in the stairway; he didn’t bother to switch up the lights. The only illumination was coming from behind me through the open door and from the elevator opening right then. But the lack of light wasn’t enough to hide his appearance from my eyes. I was caught in the middle of a yawn and my mouth stayed open, I think, at his sight.
He looked at me with large, resigned eyes, showing only fatigue but not pain. He tried his best not to be a nuisance.
"What happened to you?" I gasped, he merely smiled and shook his head, not answering my question, indicating that he wanted to discuss that under more private circumstances. I stepped aside and let him in then closed the door behind him. I noticed that besides his rundown outfit there was another oddity about him: his steps seemed unsteady, lightly curving his pace. "You drank!" I exclaimed. "So what?" he spat. I haven’t even seen him that drunk on my party two nights before, where everyone was. "And you were beaten up badly! Who did this?" I asked trying to stay calm. I couldn’t stop myself guessing. Was he attacked because of his drunken state, or was it something else? I was thinking of everything. I couldn’t know the reality that was a lot worse than the situations my mind could come up with.
He was barely staying on his feet, so I helped him in and let him down to sit on the couch. I wasn’t able to think of what I could do to ease his state.
"Sorry" he said hoarsely. "I couldn’t think of anyone else to go to." I shook my head. "It’s OK." I stammered. "Say, what can I do for you? You need medical treatment? Shall I call your parents…?"
"God! No! That’s the one thing I want the least of all!" That was new for me. He always seemed close to his parents. I thought he didn’t want them to worry about him. "Could I use your bath? I have to take a shower." He said plainly and as I looked at him he didn’t seem that drunken anymore. His breath smelled of alcohol a little, but not that much of it as I imagined seeing his state. His unsteadiness could have been caused by tiredness and hurt from the beating.
I nodded hesitantly and stood up to prepare fresh towel and bathrobe for him. He tanked me politely and vanished into the bathroom for several minutes. I heard the water splashing from the shower and the silence after he finished. I found the silence lasting too long, so I decided to look at him. I got up from the couch I settled myself after watching him step into the bathroom and knocked on the door. "Touya! Can I come in?"
I heard a rumble from behind the door and a faint groan but no answer came. That’s when I decided to take the initiative and slid opened the said door. He was lying on the tiles as I started him with my question and he slipped on the wet floor and fell on the ground. As he lay, he tried to cover himself with the bathrobe but it slid aside so it covered practically nothing of his naked body. I starred in his eyes that were full with fear and hurt then lowered my eyes and observed the countless bruises and blue flecks on the frail body.
He tried to restore his decency, but he could barely move his arms because of said bruises. I snapped out from my confused stare and stepped next to him offering my help. He didn’t say a word, only accepted it frowning; I couldn’t know if it was because of my impoliteness or the ache he must have felt everywhere in his body. I wrapped him into the robe and let him lean on me for support as we went back to the living room and he sat back onto the couch.
"Better?" I asked clumsily not knowing what to say. He nodded his head. "Want to drink some tea?" Nod.
I got up and went into the kitchen to prepare it; I was ready in two minutes and went back with the trail. He took his cup into his hands and held it there not drinking, only staring into the steam still emanating from it. I took a sip and looked at him waiting for him to begin with his story. It was hard for him I saw his hesitation if he could trust me with this.
"Who did it?" I asked after a few minutes heavy silence. He murmured something under his nose that I didn’t understand so I told him and then he came up with it again this time a bit louder.
"It was my father…"
"WHAT?" I couldn’t hold my voice low; it came as a shock to me. As long I could remember, he was always dearly loved by his father, who had seen his successor in him. I could not believe, that man would be capable of doing such cruelty and to his own son even. So that was the cause of him not wanting me to call home. "But why?" I asked still not wanting to believe.
"I told him about something I held in secret for him." his voice was calm.
"Oh… I understand, it’s not my business…" I hurried to say not wanting him to detest me for my lacking manners. He looked at me for the first time directly as if considering a move in Go. His eyes burned with just the same intensity.
"No, you were so kind to offer me shelter and deal with my problems at this time even. You deserve it to have an explanation from me. And you are also concerned in this matter…"
He fell silent and I couldn’t read his expression anymore. "You mean that secret has something to do with me?" I faltered and panicked. I was thinking of Sai; he couldn’t have discovered it without my knowing and told his father? But then if that’s how it is, than why is he the one who got beaten.
He slowly nodded. "Yes, partly…"
"So, what is it?" I asked lost my patience when he drifted into silence yet again.
"I… am…" he looked at me, straight into my eyes. "I like you."
He didn’t explain it further, but there were no need. As he said it and how he said it I unmistakably knew what he meant. I could only nod, but the world was spinning a great deal before my eyes. "Oh!" I said like I just remembered something that I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure how to continue. His eyes were understanding.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t want to offend you."
I looked at him and felt, he was hoping at least a little bit, that I would echo his words and meant so. I let my lips curve into a small smile, showing that I didn’t feel offended. "I am honored you feel like that. I’m sorry that I cannot return it." It sounded to me like it was someone else saying those words; they didn’t suit me at all. He also noticed the awkwardness of them and smiled at my confusion, shaking his head that he wasn’t expecting that from me.
"So, you told him, you were…" I couldn’t continue the sentence but he said the word that clang so ugly and dirty to me. I couldn’t ever use that term to describe Touya Akira. "A homo? Yes, I did."
"And that you… *gulp* loved me?"
He nodded. Now I was a bit scared, but he assured me that his father wouldn’t want to punish me for his deeds.
Baka! I thought. I wasn’t scared of that. I was concerned about how our friendship could stand something like that.
It did. First it was awkward but his attitude towards me didn’t change a bit and I understood that his feelings were also present in the past. Only I didn’t know about them. He was playing against me, speaking, acting like that night’s confession never happened. Because I did the same. And I thought everything would be fine. I didn’t notice his emotional state; that he was growing more and more desperate as time has passed. He tried to conceal it and he did successfully until it grew too much for him and his illusion-world shattered. He couldn’t bear the lies and loneliness anymore. That was the first time he went out only to return ravaged.
Next day he didn’t appear to our arranged meeting at the Go club we went occasionally and I decided to look after him in his apartment he got himself after having that fight with his father. They never got back on friendly terms after it. I think his father wasn’t even willing to speak a word with his dishonored son.
I found him in a bad shape. First he didn’t want to let me in, to see his face, but I threatened him to make a scene if he wasn’t going to. Then he didn’t want to tell me, what happened, only said: "don’t ask!". I pushed him further on not letting him have his way and finally his resolution broke and he told me all of previous night’s happenings. I think he needed to tell someone about his crisis and it just happened that I was there and not willing to buy a cheap lie as explanation.
It was the first time I had seen him cry. He saw I was shocked. He thought I would despise him and I wished I could feel like that just as much. Instead I felt pity for him and myself, and that I couldn’t respect him anymore. I was wrong. It didn’t have to do anything with respect. I was badly disappointed at first and it forced me to think constantly about certain things I didn’t want to. I thought he wanted me get to hate him; that he could forget me more easily once I turned my back to him. Then again I thought he wanted me to feel sorry for him like he wanted me to pay attention to his feelings. But I could only feel anger. That he wouldn’t know better! It lasted only until it repeated himself several times. Then I began to understand that it’s in his nature. He tries to suppress things, burry his feelings in himself, but then the time comes when he cannot take in anymore and all the suppressed tension flushes in a flood of emotion. I understood that he couldn’t control that, because it’s cause was his overexertion to keep control over himself.
Was it my fault that he was like this, did things like this? I felt like he was blaming me with it - getting hurt because I couldn’t give him what he desired. I knew, he wouldn’t ever want to force me or to harass me purposely, but didn’t he know that he was doing the very same thing by harming himself? Because I wasn’t there for him? Why did he always have to make me worry about him? Even when he wasn’t coming to me bleeding in the middle of the night, I had to think about him every minute, because I couldn’t know when he felt like doing that again. I couldn’t watch over him 24 hours a day.
And I knew, it would eventually destroy him. I didn’t know, if it would be his body that first gives in to the suffering or his soul, his sanity, his social stand. But I was sure that whichever it would be, the others would follow in a fast whirl and at the end it would leave nothing from the Touya Akira I knew. So I had to stop that self-destructive behavior. But how? What could I have done to end this?
_"Can you love me?"_ He said. _"Not only with your body, but your soul, mind… your heart."_
I didn’t know if I was capable of doing that. I had been always very careful not to fall in love. It did happen to me once and I got abandoned all of a sudden, before I could even realize that I was in love. I understood it only much later, how I really felt for him. He was so beautiful and kind, a perfect mate in everything. It didn’t matter then that he was a male. Hell! He was a ghost even, not having any substantial body. But Sai was my first love; I have no doubts about that anymore. And he just left me. I don’t think he ever thought about me like that; if he would have, I would have realized the true nature of my own feelings sooner. But it didn’t matter for he was there for me whenever I needed him, always caring, even if I hurt him. After he left, I decided not to let anyone to get near me.
I knew I couldn’t bear again being the one left behind.
So I ended up with one-night relationships, never allowed myself to feel anything else for my partners than indifference. I took them for certain at the time they were there and didn’t mind their absence when not. They were like obstacles - disposable, replaceable and easy to acquire. It became a habit; it came so naturally by now that I didn’t know if I would be capable of feeling anything for anyone yet again. Even if I tried.
I don’t say I liked the way I have become. In fact sometimes I was envious of lucky couples I could see anywhere strolling on the streets, eating in restaurants, present even at the Go Center. Sometimes I wondered if I could find someone else who understood me, liked me just as much I liked her or him. But I had already found my soul mate in Sai and I didn’t give a great chance that there was another person like that between the see of people drifting around in the world.
I haven’t realized the dawn passing away and the morning coming until the streets filled up with noise and light permeated my room with its patient consistence. Touya begun to move next to me in the process of waking up. His face caught some color and fortunately he got only a few cuts on it already healing but no blue swellings as I expected from seeing him previous night.
I was watching him as he opened his eyelids slowly as if in pain and took in the sight of my room gradually. I saw the realization hitting him as his expression turned from the previous peaceful one to a sad, mortified grimace that said: "not again!" He hasn’t looked at me yet but he knew I was there and in a compromising position with him. I saw a blush redden his face and if the whole situation weren’t that miserable, I would have laughed at his confused expression.
"Shindo" he said my name sighing like saying an apology.
"It’s OK," I told him against my conviction. He knew it was a lie and shook his head.
"I acted selfishly and intolerable last night, I have to apologize. I didn’t mean it…"
This time it was him who told a lie. But it didn’t matter anymore. "No, you did mean it, I am not stupid enough to believe you now saying the opposite." He couldn’t say a word neither to protest against nor to confirm my statement. He was still confused.
I observed him for a moment in a half-sitting pose then slowly reached with my fingers to touch his face. He twitched and looked at me with an alarmed look in his eyes. I grinned and slid my hand from his cheek touching the soft skin of his neck down to his back until it was placed into the position to become an embrace. I tightened it drawing him slowly closer till our chests touched and I felt his one arm clutching around my neck the other around my waist as he positioned himself to sit on my lap straddling me, and lowered his head to lay it on my shoulder. I held him tightly until I felt his shivering settle down and then I loosened my grip only to glide my hand up and down his spine in smooth caressing movements.
We dwelled in silence for seconds but I didn’t mind it at all. I liked him near me, the feel of his breathing on my neck and his arms so possessive clasped around my trunk. I knew that I was the only one to see that aspect of him, fragile, gentle, needing the proximity of another person just as much like anyone else.
"I could try it, you know?" I said after some time my throat strangely dry. He lifted his head from my shoulder and looked into my eyes questioning. "…to love you." I finished my sentence. I saw him taking a deep breath to speak but I didn’t want him to cut in. I wanted to tell him that I am serious about what I said. "I cannot promise you that it will be a success, but I want to try it for you and for me just as much. That’s why from now on I consider myself as your date," I said smiling.
He opened his mouth to say something, most likely to protest against my declaration but I wasn’t going to let him. Not now. So I sealed his lips with mine holding his head with my other hand not allowing him to jerk away. After the first surprise he let himself go and I felt him kissing back, his mouth soft, sweet and pliable to my every attempt of deepening the kiss. I slid my fingers on the two sides of his face, holding his head, feeling the warmth there as his cheeks were surely flushed by now. It was really nice. I found it cute how shyly he accepted my lead parting his lips and probing if we could get more intimate. I don’t think he had much practice in kissing, not with those bastards…
I tried to push that thought out of my mind because it only made me mad. It wasn’t hard to do that though, to lose myself in the gentle sensations of feeling him with every nerve in my body. I felt a shy flickering of a tongue against mine and couldn’t suppress a smile. I parted myself from him only to allow him to take a breath then kissed him this time harder, lips fully open, tongues entwined in a swirling dance. Low-pitched moans erupted from his throat and I must admit that those and the wet sounds created by our lips had driven me fully aroused. I wanted to know how he feels, so I broke the kiss only to look in his eyes to see the effect our activity left on him.
He looked dizzy, pupils wide, a soft pink coloring his cheeks, lips wet and swollen from the intensity of our kissing. If I didn’t know better I could have thought, that he never had experience in this kind of things. I don’t know, I think I was surprised myself to find these sensations so unexpectedly satisfying. I wouldn’t have thought that with a man… and it was only a kiss.
He seemed to be taken aback just as much as I was, his breathing irregularly, eyes half closed, not really seeing, fists clenched on my shoulders. I held him at his middle marveling at what I could feel under the cloth: invisible but nevertheless existent muscles harden and soften with his movements. He was definitely a man, his body looked frail but felt firm. And I thought that it had to be like this, because weakness didn’t suit him at all. I was wondering why didn’t I detect any of these features after all this time. I suppose I didn’t really care to notice them.
Slowly his eyes focused on me and I saw him regain his consciousness. I tried to show him confidence like I knew what I was doing but deep inside I was a little frightened. What if he didn’t like my drastic move, what if he takes me for obtrusive? I didn’t want to destroy our friendship, but I had to do this in order to prevent him from destroying himself.
He was scared; I could see it in his eyes. I was about to question him, but I haven’t calculated in the vehemence of his action. Without a word he tore out himself from my arms leaping from the bed, stopping only when his back met the other wall of my room; and threw scared glimpses in all directions like searching for an escape route. I narrowed my eyes trying to guess what he was up to. In the next moment he seemed to regain his composure and looked straight into my eyes with a glacial fury in his owns.
"Where are my clothes?" he asked indifferently. I could tell he was definitely pissed now.
"In the bathroom" I said too stunned to protest. "They were dirty, I put them into the laundry, it’s best I give you some of mine…"
"No need, they will be fine. It seems that dirt just fits my body well…"
And before I could blink he slammed in the door of the bathroom from inside. A few minutes later he came out dressed in his ragged clothes. Next thing I heard was the front door flinging shut and then he was gone.
I lifted my hand to my eyes sighing. So that was his answer. Just when I decided to give up my resolve and try to be there for him.
...he was also leaving me behind...
-end of chapter 2-
Chapter 02
Concerning me
by Stray
16. 10. 2003
Rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
Comment: As you can see I did the first chapter a few days ago, but couldn’t post it till yesterday. Next day I got some ideas for the sequel in a dream (it won’t be to dreamlike though). But I wanted to get some opinions before I went forward with it. Now I think it will stretch to more than three chapters and I already have some ideas but I can’t see it in whole so another sequels will follow. You just have to wait a little.
And yes, as you can read below they are twenty-some years old here. Sorry, I didn’t mention it before. Oh, and MANY THANKS for the reviews! I have to admit, I was a little scared that you would mention my grammar or semantics because it’s the first time I write something in English.
Hope, you enjoy.
Stray
Note: also corrected (like chapter1)!
--------------------------------
For better understanding: the paragraphs beginning with "..." are also the parts where Hikaru starts to dig up memories.
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That night I couldn’t sleep very well. I held him in his sleep thinking about things he said and I said then about other times, when we were younger. I drifted into a dream of swirling chaos of my thoughts and memories merged together in a confusing mixture. I could have barely slept a few hours when I woke up hearing voices and feeling someone shivering and twitching next to me. "Father, no! Please! I didn’t do anything wrong… did I?"
He was dreaming of _that_ again. I don’t know if anyone besides me knew about that he had some sort of really nasty dreams. And maybe no other than me knew the origin of those dreams. It weren’t his slips into the dark side of the nightlife, nor the fear of having unveiled his shame, but the love and pride of a father.
…When he was a child, his father loved him the most, taught him his Go and they discussed everything. There were no secrets between them; there were also no need for secrets. Over a too long period of time it’s just not healthy. Everyone needs his own secrets. I had also secrets beginning with Sai’s existence but not ending there. As a child grows up, adolescence comes and the little secrets just multiply. I mean what boy would tell his parents about his morning erection, his first time to cum by masturbating… He was that kind. His only interest was Go he didn’t have friends, boys of his own age, but he caught up things from here and there. So I could say, he was a very mature kid. And knowing his father very well, he decided for the first time not to tell him about something: his first kiss…
…He knew from the start what kind of a guy he would be, where his interests lay. He wasn’t drifting between partners of different genders, never had a girlfriend, not even for trying how it could be. So his first kiss was like expected also with a guy - five years his senior. He was fifteen. It was the time when the two of us started to become friends. Of course I didn’t know about the whole thing either. He could keep it secret from everyone because no one had expected him to have a secret of that dimension. Most people thought him to be transparent and emotionless, only living and caring for Go. I have seen his other side, the passionate, intense one that showed me on occasions we played Go that ended in a heated argument. I don’t know whether he was like that with his frequently changing acquaintances or the "cold fish" he was called by everyone behind his back…
He ended up with his back to me huddled into a foetal position. I turned to my side and carefully shifted him into a tender hug to stop his shivering. He seemed to calm down a little, but his soft cries didn’t stop by that. I caressed his face to wake him up gently, not all of a sudden, and it worked. He opened his eyelids only slightly like he was half asleep. "Bad dream" I said then stroke his hair. "Sleep now, and try to dream of something happier this time!" He nodded slowly and closed his eyes again. It didn’t pass a second after he was asleep once more.
…It was after he became five-dan, I think two or three months past after that, that he called me on the phone in the middle of the night. It was my second night in my new apartment and I didn’t even remember having given him my phone number. It must have been at the first night’s big party. I woke up a little dizzy; first I didn’t find the phone in my new, unfamiliar surroundings. I heard his voice, weak and broken, so unlike him - I thought; that first I didn’t even believe it was him, ’thought it’s a prank call from my friends. He said he was in the neighborhood and couldn’t go home because of a certain matter he wasn’t willing to tell about. He politely asked me if I would mind to accommodate him for the remainder of the night. I threw a glimpse at the digital chronometer standing on the nightstand realizing it was two o’clock in the morning. I said "no prob’" and couldn’t imagine what circumstance could drift him at that time to my door.
I got a bathrobe on my shoulders till I was waiting for him to come up with the elevator and tried to suppress my yawns. It was dark in the stairway; he didn’t bother to switch up the lights. The only illumination was coming from behind me through the open door and from the elevator opening right then. But the lack of light wasn’t enough to hide his appearance from my eyes. I was caught in the middle of a yawn and my mouth stayed open, I think, at his sight.
He looked at me with large, resigned eyes, showing only fatigue but not pain. He tried his best not to be a nuisance.
"What happened to you?" I gasped, he merely smiled and shook his head, not answering my question, indicating that he wanted to discuss that under more private circumstances. I stepped aside and let him in then closed the door behind him. I noticed that besides his rundown outfit there was another oddity about him: his steps seemed unsteady, lightly curving his pace. "You drank!" I exclaimed. "So what?" he spat. I haven’t even seen him that drunk on my party two nights before, where everyone was. "And you were beaten up badly! Who did this?" I asked trying to stay calm. I couldn’t stop myself guessing. Was he attacked because of his drunken state, or was it something else? I was thinking of everything. I couldn’t know the reality that was a lot worse than the situations my mind could come up with.
He was barely staying on his feet, so I helped him in and let him down to sit on the couch. I wasn’t able to think of what I could do to ease his state.
"Sorry" he said hoarsely. "I couldn’t think of anyone else to go to." I shook my head. "It’s OK." I stammered. "Say, what can I do for you? You need medical treatment? Shall I call your parents…?"
"God! No! That’s the one thing I want the least of all!" That was new for me. He always seemed close to his parents. I thought he didn’t want them to worry about him. "Could I use your bath? I have to take a shower." He said plainly and as I looked at him he didn’t seem that drunken anymore. His breath smelled of alcohol a little, but not that much of it as I imagined seeing his state. His unsteadiness could have been caused by tiredness and hurt from the beating.
I nodded hesitantly and stood up to prepare fresh towel and bathrobe for him. He tanked me politely and vanished into the bathroom for several minutes. I heard the water splashing from the shower and the silence after he finished. I found the silence lasting too long, so I decided to look at him. I got up from the couch I settled myself after watching him step into the bathroom and knocked on the door. "Touya! Can I come in?"
I heard a rumble from behind the door and a faint groan but no answer came. That’s when I decided to take the initiative and slid opened the said door. He was lying on the tiles as I started him with my question and he slipped on the wet floor and fell on the ground. As he lay, he tried to cover himself with the bathrobe but it slid aside so it covered practically nothing of his naked body. I starred in his eyes that were full with fear and hurt then lowered my eyes and observed the countless bruises and blue flecks on the frail body.
He tried to restore his decency, but he could barely move his arms because of said bruises. I snapped out from my confused stare and stepped next to him offering my help. He didn’t say a word, only accepted it frowning; I couldn’t know if it was because of my impoliteness or the ache he must have felt everywhere in his body. I wrapped him into the robe and let him lean on me for support as we went back to the living room and he sat back onto the couch.
"Better?" I asked clumsily not knowing what to say. He nodded his head. "Want to drink some tea?" Nod.
I got up and went into the kitchen to prepare it; I was ready in two minutes and went back with the trail. He took his cup into his hands and held it there not drinking, only staring into the steam still emanating from it. I took a sip and looked at him waiting for him to begin with his story. It was hard for him I saw his hesitation if he could trust me with this.
"Who did it?" I asked after a few minutes heavy silence. He murmured something under his nose that I didn’t understand so I told him and then he came up with it again this time a bit louder.
"It was my father…"
"WHAT?" I couldn’t hold my voice low; it came as a shock to me. As long I could remember, he was always dearly loved by his father, who had seen his successor in him. I could not believe, that man would be capable of doing such cruelty and to his own son even. So that was the cause of him not wanting me to call home. "But why?" I asked still not wanting to believe.
"I told him about something I held in secret for him." his voice was calm.
"Oh… I understand, it’s not my business…" I hurried to say not wanting him to detest me for my lacking manners. He looked at me for the first time directly as if considering a move in Go. His eyes burned with just the same intensity.
"No, you were so kind to offer me shelter and deal with my problems at this time even. You deserve it to have an explanation from me. And you are also concerned in this matter…"
He fell silent and I couldn’t read his expression anymore. "You mean that secret has something to do with me?" I faltered and panicked. I was thinking of Sai; he couldn’t have discovered it without my knowing and told his father? But then if that’s how it is, than why is he the one who got beaten.
He slowly nodded. "Yes, partly…"
"So, what is it?" I asked lost my patience when he drifted into silence yet again.
"I… am…" he looked at me, straight into my eyes. "I like you."
He didn’t explain it further, but there were no need. As he said it and how he said it I unmistakably knew what he meant. I could only nod, but the world was spinning a great deal before my eyes. "Oh!" I said like I just remembered something that I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure how to continue. His eyes were understanding.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t want to offend you."
I looked at him and felt, he was hoping at least a little bit, that I would echo his words and meant so. I let my lips curve into a small smile, showing that I didn’t feel offended. "I am honored you feel like that. I’m sorry that I cannot return it." It sounded to me like it was someone else saying those words; they didn’t suit me at all. He also noticed the awkwardness of them and smiled at my confusion, shaking his head that he wasn’t expecting that from me.
"So, you told him, you were…" I couldn’t continue the sentence but he said the word that clang so ugly and dirty to me. I couldn’t ever use that term to describe Touya Akira. "A homo? Yes, I did."
"And that you… *gulp* loved me?"
He nodded. Now I was a bit scared, but he assured me that his father wouldn’t want to punish me for his deeds.
Baka! I thought. I wasn’t scared of that. I was concerned about how our friendship could stand something like that.
It did. First it was awkward but his attitude towards me didn’t change a bit and I understood that his feelings were also present in the past. Only I didn’t know about them. He was playing against me, speaking, acting like that night’s confession never happened. Because I did the same. And I thought everything would be fine. I didn’t notice his emotional state; that he was growing more and more desperate as time has passed. He tried to conceal it and he did successfully until it grew too much for him and his illusion-world shattered. He couldn’t bear the lies and loneliness anymore. That was the first time he went out only to return ravaged.
Next day he didn’t appear to our arranged meeting at the Go club we went occasionally and I decided to look after him in his apartment he got himself after having that fight with his father. They never got back on friendly terms after it. I think his father wasn’t even willing to speak a word with his dishonored son.
I found him in a bad shape. First he didn’t want to let me in, to see his face, but I threatened him to make a scene if he wasn’t going to. Then he didn’t want to tell me, what happened, only said: "don’t ask!". I pushed him further on not letting him have his way and finally his resolution broke and he told me all of previous night’s happenings. I think he needed to tell someone about his crisis and it just happened that I was there and not willing to buy a cheap lie as explanation.
It was the first time I had seen him cry. He saw I was shocked. He thought I would despise him and I wished I could feel like that just as much. Instead I felt pity for him and myself, and that I couldn’t respect him anymore. I was wrong. It didn’t have to do anything with respect. I was badly disappointed at first and it forced me to think constantly about certain things I didn’t want to. I thought he wanted me get to hate him; that he could forget me more easily once I turned my back to him. Then again I thought he wanted me to feel sorry for him like he wanted me to pay attention to his feelings. But I could only feel anger. That he wouldn’t know better! It lasted only until it repeated himself several times. Then I began to understand that it’s in his nature. He tries to suppress things, burry his feelings in himself, but then the time comes when he cannot take in anymore and all the suppressed tension flushes in a flood of emotion. I understood that he couldn’t control that, because it’s cause was his overexertion to keep control over himself.
Was it my fault that he was like this, did things like this? I felt like he was blaming me with it - getting hurt because I couldn’t give him what he desired. I knew, he wouldn’t ever want to force me or to harass me purposely, but didn’t he know that he was doing the very same thing by harming himself? Because I wasn’t there for him? Why did he always have to make me worry about him? Even when he wasn’t coming to me bleeding in the middle of the night, I had to think about him every minute, because I couldn’t know when he felt like doing that again. I couldn’t watch over him 24 hours a day.
And I knew, it would eventually destroy him. I didn’t know, if it would be his body that first gives in to the suffering or his soul, his sanity, his social stand. But I was sure that whichever it would be, the others would follow in a fast whirl and at the end it would leave nothing from the Touya Akira I knew. So I had to stop that self-destructive behavior. But how? What could I have done to end this?
_"Can you love me?"_ He said. _"Not only with your body, but your soul, mind… your heart."_
I didn’t know if I was capable of doing that. I had been always very careful not to fall in love. It did happen to me once and I got abandoned all of a sudden, before I could even realize that I was in love. I understood it only much later, how I really felt for him. He was so beautiful and kind, a perfect mate in everything. It didn’t matter then that he was a male. Hell! He was a ghost even, not having any substantial body. But Sai was my first love; I have no doubts about that anymore. And he just left me. I don’t think he ever thought about me like that; if he would have, I would have realized the true nature of my own feelings sooner. But it didn’t matter for he was there for me whenever I needed him, always caring, even if I hurt him. After he left, I decided not to let anyone to get near me.
I knew I couldn’t bear again being the one left behind.
So I ended up with one-night relationships, never allowed myself to feel anything else for my partners than indifference. I took them for certain at the time they were there and didn’t mind their absence when not. They were like obstacles - disposable, replaceable and easy to acquire. It became a habit; it came so naturally by now that I didn’t know if I would be capable of feeling anything for anyone yet again. Even if I tried.
I don’t say I liked the way I have become. In fact sometimes I was envious of lucky couples I could see anywhere strolling on the streets, eating in restaurants, present even at the Go Center. Sometimes I wondered if I could find someone else who understood me, liked me just as much I liked her or him. But I had already found my soul mate in Sai and I didn’t give a great chance that there was another person like that between the see of people drifting around in the world.
I haven’t realized the dawn passing away and the morning coming until the streets filled up with noise and light permeated my room with its patient consistence. Touya begun to move next to me in the process of waking up. His face caught some color and fortunately he got only a few cuts on it already healing but no blue swellings as I expected from seeing him previous night.
I was watching him as he opened his eyelids slowly as if in pain and took in the sight of my room gradually. I saw the realization hitting him as his expression turned from the previous peaceful one to a sad, mortified grimace that said: "not again!" He hasn’t looked at me yet but he knew I was there and in a compromising position with him. I saw a blush redden his face and if the whole situation weren’t that miserable, I would have laughed at his confused expression.
"Shindo" he said my name sighing like saying an apology.
"It’s OK," I told him against my conviction. He knew it was a lie and shook his head.
"I acted selfishly and intolerable last night, I have to apologize. I didn’t mean it…"
This time it was him who told a lie. But it didn’t matter anymore. "No, you did mean it, I am not stupid enough to believe you now saying the opposite." He couldn’t say a word neither to protest against nor to confirm my statement. He was still confused.
I observed him for a moment in a half-sitting pose then slowly reached with my fingers to touch his face. He twitched and looked at me with an alarmed look in his eyes. I grinned and slid my hand from his cheek touching the soft skin of his neck down to his back until it was placed into the position to become an embrace. I tightened it drawing him slowly closer till our chests touched and I felt his one arm clutching around my neck the other around my waist as he positioned himself to sit on my lap straddling me, and lowered his head to lay it on my shoulder. I held him tightly until I felt his shivering settle down and then I loosened my grip only to glide my hand up and down his spine in smooth caressing movements.
We dwelled in silence for seconds but I didn’t mind it at all. I liked him near me, the feel of his breathing on my neck and his arms so possessive clasped around my trunk. I knew that I was the only one to see that aspect of him, fragile, gentle, needing the proximity of another person just as much like anyone else.
"I could try it, you know?" I said after some time my throat strangely dry. He lifted his head from my shoulder and looked into my eyes questioning. "…to love you." I finished my sentence. I saw him taking a deep breath to speak but I didn’t want him to cut in. I wanted to tell him that I am serious about what I said. "I cannot promise you that it will be a success, but I want to try it for you and for me just as much. That’s why from now on I consider myself as your date," I said smiling.
He opened his mouth to say something, most likely to protest against my declaration but I wasn’t going to let him. Not now. So I sealed his lips with mine holding his head with my other hand not allowing him to jerk away. After the first surprise he let himself go and I felt him kissing back, his mouth soft, sweet and pliable to my every attempt of deepening the kiss. I slid my fingers on the two sides of his face, holding his head, feeling the warmth there as his cheeks were surely flushed by now. It was really nice. I found it cute how shyly he accepted my lead parting his lips and probing if we could get more intimate. I don’t think he had much practice in kissing, not with those bastards…
I tried to push that thought out of my mind because it only made me mad. It wasn’t hard to do that though, to lose myself in the gentle sensations of feeling him with every nerve in my body. I felt a shy flickering of a tongue against mine and couldn’t suppress a smile. I parted myself from him only to allow him to take a breath then kissed him this time harder, lips fully open, tongues entwined in a swirling dance. Low-pitched moans erupted from his throat and I must admit that those and the wet sounds created by our lips had driven me fully aroused. I wanted to know how he feels, so I broke the kiss only to look in his eyes to see the effect our activity left on him.
He looked dizzy, pupils wide, a soft pink coloring his cheeks, lips wet and swollen from the intensity of our kissing. If I didn’t know better I could have thought, that he never had experience in this kind of things. I don’t know, I think I was surprised myself to find these sensations so unexpectedly satisfying. I wouldn’t have thought that with a man… and it was only a kiss.
He seemed to be taken aback just as much as I was, his breathing irregularly, eyes half closed, not really seeing, fists clenched on my shoulders. I held him at his middle marveling at what I could feel under the cloth: invisible but nevertheless existent muscles harden and soften with his movements. He was definitely a man, his body looked frail but felt firm. And I thought that it had to be like this, because weakness didn’t suit him at all. I was wondering why didn’t I detect any of these features after all this time. I suppose I didn’t really care to notice them.
Slowly his eyes focused on me and I saw him regain his consciousness. I tried to show him confidence like I knew what I was doing but deep inside I was a little frightened. What if he didn’t like my drastic move, what if he takes me for obtrusive? I didn’t want to destroy our friendship, but I had to do this in order to prevent him from destroying himself.
He was scared; I could see it in his eyes. I was about to question him, but I haven’t calculated in the vehemence of his action. Without a word he tore out himself from my arms leaping from the bed, stopping only when his back met the other wall of my room; and threw scared glimpses in all directions like searching for an escape route. I narrowed my eyes trying to guess what he was up to. In the next moment he seemed to regain his composure and looked straight into my eyes with a glacial fury in his owns.
"Where are my clothes?" he asked indifferently. I could tell he was definitely pissed now.
"In the bathroom" I said too stunned to protest. "They were dirty, I put them into the laundry, it’s best I give you some of mine…"
"No need, they will be fine. It seems that dirt just fits my body well…"
And before I could blink he slammed in the door of the bathroom from inside. A few minutes later he came out dressed in his ragged clothes. Next thing I heard was the front door flinging shut and then he was gone.
I lifted my hand to my eyes sighing. So that was his answer. Just when I decided to give up my resolve and try to be there for him.
...he was also leaving me behind...
-end of chapter 2-