Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Concerning him ❯ Who the heck is concerned! ( Chapter 3 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Stray 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.1K | Visits: 688 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.1K | Visits: 688 | Status: Work In Progress
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Chapter 03
Who the heck is concerned!
by Stray
12. 11. 2003
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
--------------------------------
I haven’t seen him for a week or so. That was disturbing. That wasn’t like him at all - not attending his scheduled matches, I even heard complaints about him having cancelled his tutoring sessions. But that meant he did it on purpose, not because some unforeseeable accident hindered him at fulfilling his duties. I couldn’t exactly figure why, but I certainly knew that his reason must have been our last conversation. Or something that had happened after that. But I couldn’t care less anymore. ’He was the one, who left me there after all! And he didn’t want to get involved with me, he made me understand that clearly enough. So why should I’ve been concerned about him?’ I thought.
I was greatly annoyed with his performance towards the matter. He didn’t even call me!
…He wasn’t playing fair, dammit!
But that was what he wanted, so I played his game and pretended not to care. I told myself that it didn’t strike me at all! Who cares, he didn’t give a damn about explaining me, just what had I done wrong to get him acting all insulted? Who needs him anyway? Annoying little prick! So why couldn’t I get him out of my mind? The more I tried the more failing I was at the attempt. Wherever I was - whatever I did.
"I resign." I sighed gloomily.
"You know, you _are_ in a shitty mood these days Shindo!" Waya 6-dan replied as we started to collect the stones.
"Leave me hung!" I grunted.
"Your play wasn’t this miserable since when you were… Actually I never witnessed you playing this pathetic!"
"I said… " I lifted my annoyed gaze to his face.
"GOSH! Your eyes _are_ creepy! Just how many nights in a row haven’t you get proper sleep?"
I didn’t say anything besides an irritated "tsk".
"Waya’s right" I heard a soft voice and from below my half-shut lids I observed a pair of blue jeans-clad legs come to a stand next to our table. Now Isumi too…
I swiftly tossed the last ones of my stones into their casket and stood. "Sorry, guys!" I said matter-of-factly, "I don’t feel like discussing my affairs with you right now."
"You don’t have to," Waya shrugged mocking me. "But what about Touya’s affairs?"
I was about to leave turning my back to them when I heard that last question. I froze in that instant. Didn’t feel like looking back at them, knowing what they would see on my face. Several minutes passed and I still wasn’t moving. I heard footsteps nearing me and felt a hand on my waist that belonged to Waya.
"Come then," Isumi said in a softly murmuring tone. "We owe you a dinner from last time. How about it now?" As Waya started to drag me along with him, Isumi calmly marching on my other side, I knew that he actually wasn’t issuing a polite invitation, much more an indeclinable order uttered in a misleadingly subtle manner. When Isumi was displeased with something he could be more frightening than Waya; sometimes giving me goosebumps on my back.
After a twenty-some-minutes-ride in Isumi’s car in deadly silence and following the two into their apartment - giving me the dumb feeling of being a prisoner currently escorted by his guards to his execution - I didn’t know what I was supposed to do being there.
As I heard the door clicking closed I faced them and asked promptly: "How and what do you know about Touya?"
Neither of them answered my question and it was infuriating. Sighing frustrated I followed their example at divesting myself from my jacket and shoes and stepping inside the living room. It felt odd, like I had been never there before - what wasn’t the fact - I couldn’t find my place.
"Sit!" Isumi commanded gesturing towards the comfortable sofa in the middle of the room. I did what he sad without thinking about it, why I have to obey. "First we eat, then after we are all sated, we will discuss everything."
’Gosh!’ I thought, ’I cannot endure another hour or so of that creepy silence! I have to know now…!’ But before I could say anything I saw Isumi fetching a pan from the fridge removing it’s hermetic covering and putting it onto the cooker to heat up. It smelled tasty and I just realized that I was in fact hungry like I haven’t eaten in days. Well, that wasn’t far from reality - more or less...
The food didn’t take long to warm up and within minutes I found myself sitting at the kitchen table along with my two friends.
"Itadakimasu."
After that we ate up in silence; and I helped Waya with the dishes while Isumi prepared some tea in a pot and put in on a tray on the table in the living room along with three cups.
As I felt the very moment nearing I wasn’t that determined anymore to speak about Touya. But I wanted to know what they knew just as badly as I didn’t want to tell them anything. At last I didn’t have a choice but to sit down across their piercing looks on me.
"So? We hear." Isumi pointed out, his calm voice unquestionably severe.
"You first!" I demanded pale-faced. He observed me for a time then nodded and looked at Waya signaling him to speak. I also directed my gaze towards the other man impatiently as he begun his speech.
"I met him yesterday," he said with a puzzled look on his face indicating his confusion about the whole matter. "He came here and requested from me to pass his message to you." His bewilderment was understandable, I thought, since he was the last person anyone expected Touya to entrust with something.
"What message?" I barked in raspy tone. I flinched at the urging undertone in my voice I didn’t realize was there until I saw the looks changing on their faces.
"He told me to let you know that he was sorry and he wanted to thank you, but that you would better not meet him for a couple of days until your scheduled match together. He said, something, I didn’t quite understand, that he wants to change or something… and than he gave me this letter to hand it over to you." With that he presented a piece of white paper to me carefully folded into an envelope-like shape, so that the content couldn’t be seen without unfolding it.
I didn’t notice that my hands were shaking until I distended my arm to take the letter from my bewildered friend.
"I don’t quite understand…" he tried to press me to tell him what was that all about. "I suppose, this time you two got out really bad from it, ne? You two just cannot play a friendly game without arguing…" he was saying other things too, but I wasn’t listening anymore, for I got the letter finally open and pried at the handwritten lines of neatly formed syllables.
The letter read:
<
Shindo,
I don’t really know, how to begin my letter.
I must apologize for the inconvenience I caused you the other day, and the days before that. I was most grateful for your kindness, your patience and your understanding you always displayed to me. I know, I am not worthy of you or your friendship, knowing very well what I had done so far. So I would understand you not wanting to meddle with me ever again.
Instead that - given your good nature - you even offered to help me out of this and you must know I appreciate that above all! And that’s why I cannot accept it from you. I must overcome my weaknesses by myself; I don’t want to drag you further into my affairs. You are so different from me, you are just too good-hearted and cannot see others suffering, so you would do anything to prevent that, I know. But I don’t want to use you to solve my problems by creating you other ones. I intend to change myself, to be stronger and to deserve someone like you as my friend and rival. No, I wont try to persuade you anymore to be anything else…
I need some time for thinking on my own, so I ask you to not seek my company until I seek yours. Next time we meet, I hope, I can be someone you won’t be feeling pity for.
Touya Akira
>
I read it and read over again several times. So that was what he thought about me, about himself…
I knew, he meant what he wrote. But I knew just as well, that he couldn’t accomplish it. Because if he could, he have had done it already - at his previous attempts. It was just so hopeless! And I knew it would cause him more suffering for I couldn’t be by his side since he didn’t want me to. Damn him!
"Shindo! You’re frightening me!" Waya said tentatively. "Y’know you’re actually crying?"
I lifted my fingers to my face astonished to feel the wetness of tears. I wasn’t looking at him nor at Isumi but somewhere in front of me with my gaze unfocused.
"What did that bastard write?" Waya asked somehow infuriated. He was clearly blaming him like he blamed him and our friendship for years for all mishaps that occurred to me: he didn’t like him after all.
I handed him the letter without a word and was waiting for them to read.
Of course Waya was the first to speak. "This time you have to had beaten him really hard! But I don’t see the clue, why you react like that. He will eventually gather himself and hey! he didn’t cancel your eternal rivalry either…"
"Waya…" Isumi interfered softly. "I don’t think, it is about Go anymore …"
"What do you mean?" he asked bewildered. But Isumi wasn’t answering him instead he directed his next question at me.
"What did he mean by that:" and he begun to read from the paper, "’… I wont try to persuade you anymore to be anything else…’ What is that ’else’?"
I snapped out from my reverie instantly and flinched. I wasn’t really hoping that phrase would somehow escape his attention. And I knew he was exactly aware of what that meant. He only wanted to hear it from my mouth. I turned my head to look at the wall refusing to give him that confession.
"You can guess, I bet!"
"Eh?" exclaimed Waya who only threw questioning looks at us, not understanding. Yet he seemed finally to catch up with Isumi. "You don’t wanna say, that you and Touya are…" he faltered not really knowing how to express himself. "You two are… a couple?"
Isumi sighed. "No, Waya, they aren’t. And I think that is the core of the whole mess. Am I right?" Isumi looked at me questioning. I nodded firmly. "I suppose I am correct with the assumption that he wants to change that situation." I nodded once more. "And while you consider him as a friend, you cannot accept him to be your lover…"
I wasn’t reacting. Was that true? "No, it isn’t that I could not accept him. Only… I don’t think I would be able to feel the same way for him he feels for me."
"I knew it!" Waya rolled his eyes. "I wouldn’t have thought that the time would come when I say something to _his_ defense, but… you cannot see him as someone you could love, because, he is a man?"
I shook my head. They cannot understand me, I thought, why should I bother to explain? But they were my friends, who had entrusted me with their own secret before, so I owned them at least that. And besides - I noticed - I needed badly someone who I could speak openly with about the things that disturbed me.
"That shouldn’t matter…" I said cautiously. "… the gender I mean… if you really love someone. But…" I sighed. How could I explain it without mentioning Sai? "I don’t think I am capable of those kind of feelings. Not anymore…"
"Eh? What do you mean by ’not capable’?" Waya gave me a perplexed look.
"Isn’t it the case that you are well capable, but you don’t want to begin to feel anything for him?" Isumi contemplated. I shrugged that could be taken both as yes or no.
"It is not because of him. It is because of me." I said finally.
"Oh! Some big disappointment in the past?" Waya asked disregarding the weight of the question. I noticed then that there was something deeper behind his lightly joking manner. He wanted to deflect my thoughts from what he thought to be was unnecessary worrying. And I was thankful for it and found myself giving in to his attempts.
I nodded curtly and instantly felt better. I didn’t have to mention Sai for them to understand and it let the load off my mind.
"I fear to lose him as a friend as well though if I don’t try." I said then.
"Then you shouldn’t think about feelings too much! Just grab him and toss him onto the bed! He would feel better and you wouldn’t have to worry! If you are _capable_ I mean…" Waya snickered. I was infuriated. Just because once in the past I turned down his offer for a three-some with him and Isumi - that besides I think Isumi wasn’t _that_ happy about either - he thought I was lying before when I said that gender didn’t matter to me!
"HAH! We are a _waaay_ past that!" I roared completely forgetting the gloominess of the previous days and its cause for a moment.
There was a thick silence following my announcement. And when I threw a glimpse at their shocked expressions I became conscious that they just realized what I was speaking about the whole time. And that I had actually admitted that Touya and I could be into each other. That we in fact _had_ been intimate with each other… Oh my! I’ve messed things up again! I don’t think, Touya would prefer them - especially Waya - to know that he is indeed gay… but I didn’t said he is, ne? I only said he wants me to… no that was Isumi who said that, not me.
"You say, he actually succeeded at getting you laid?" Waya snorted and I think it gave him just one reason more to despise Touya.
"Hmph! Maybe I was the one getting him laid!" I said shrugging. "I don’t really remember ’cause we were both drunk that night. Only that I woke up the following morning in my bed next to him and we didn’t have anything on…" I admitted.
"Then you don’t have any evidence that it really happened?" Waya asked curiously. I shrugged that he could take for an affirmation. I let him believe that. Though there were _quite some_ evidences on the bed sheets and on our bodies of what happened. Not only once… And I had to wear turtleneck for a week till the marks faded. And he was wearing long sleeves to conceal the huge blue fleck on his forearm that resembled a bite. Usually I wasn’t that aggressive during sex, so I could have thought that he had it from someone else, but somehow it felt better to think that he had it from me.
"So what are you going to do?" Isumi asked using the silence.
I shrugged and felt my heart sink being reminded of the situation. But I couldn’t escape from dealing with it.
"I dunno." I said. "Suppose, I will do what he wants me to… wait till he comes to me."
"And what then? What will be your answer?"
"Depends on what he asks."
"What if he asks you to leave him alone?"
I did not reply. I just couldn’t think of that to happen. Though it was a real alternative.
I shook my head and got off the couch. I didn’t realize how sore my muscles became though I could not be sitting that long.
"I’ve got to go!" I said my gaze fixed on the floor. They showed me out of the door and I didn’t even say farewell to them so absorbed I was with my thoughts.
I don’t remember much from the days that followed. I lived my life in a half-dreaming state that I was only snapped out from for the time of my tutoring sessions and games where I had to concentrate on Go. I noticed long before that Go was the only thing I could divert my thoughts on whenever I was in that kind of contemplating mood. Go always helped me somehow to feel better if only for a couple of hours. If not for anything else but for that I was grateful to Go. It gave my life a sense and I just loved to play, to merge in the simple world of black and white, clearly outlined shapes, no ambivalence and complications like in the real world. Or so I saw it whenever I had troubles with my own life. Either I could predict the hands of my opponent correctly or not, but there were no fatal consequences if I failed at some point. Go was a play of logic; there were no place for feelings in it, except when I played someone really strong. But strangely enough it didn’t prevent me to connect the love I felt for Go with the one I had felt long before for Sai. I didn’t know which one came from the other one, but Go always let me remember of Sai in a saddened but also contented manner. When I looked at the Go-ban, every now and then I could see a long strain of fine, raven black hair floating upon it with the motion of its owner leaning above the table. Though in these days- with my thoughts on _him_, I had sometimes troubles to distinguish whose hair it was.
Then one morning I woke up to the realization that the day of our game was right before me. I felt a strange energy rising in my chest compared to the fad mood of the previous week and I went about my morning routine refreshed if not renewed. I took a shower and ate breakfast - since days I had a real appetite. But I found my swirling thoughts not around the game but the person. I felt the doubts slipping into my heart and I tried to deflect that feeling into the anticipation for… what really? What should I feel anticipation for? "That’s it!" I thought and let the anger taking over my mind for it was a lot better than the dismay that threatened to overwhelm.
I finished my morning activities in record time and I left my apartment early. I wasn’t that early in my whole life! It comes handy, I thought, for he had the custom to arrive earlier than necessarily so we had time to speak before the beginning of our match. I didn’t know when I got up and down the train or where I went; I think it was the usual route I always took to the Go institute. I was thinking of him but my thoughts were not those with imprinted anxiety that became almost familiar in the past few days. Before my inner eye were displayed various pictures of him smiling - playing Go - concentrating - infuriated in the middle of our usual fights - and several of his other expressions at random occasions those took place in the past. That’s why I found myself surprised at once standing before the entrance of the Go institute staring at my own image mirrored by the glass door.
I pushed my way in and discovered that the institute was nearly empty at this time. Nearly, I said, because there was one person standing in the dim-lit corridor leading to the room where the tables were standing. I couldn’t see clearly who it was, though the lean, graceful silhouette seemed disturbingly familiar but in some details alien at once. I begun to dash towards that figure and found myself out of breath standing before the person in just mere seconds. He turned and I saw piercing, midnight blue eyes staring at me with a questioning look. Recognition hit in an instant and I saw the eyes widen with unconcealed anxiousness. But I could not restrain myself from enveloping him into a tight hug as soon as I confirmed my suspicion of the identity of the person.
"Touya!" I exclaimed still with him in my hold. Then I draw back just to an arms length to be able to observe him thoroughly once more. Then it hit me, like a sharp slap on my face. The unfamiliar feeling that caught me as I saw him but didn’t reach my conscious yet was…
"You let…" I gasped. "… cut your hair?!!!"
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Author’s note: This chapter turned out a _bit_ longer so I had to slice it in two. The other half is up as well, so if you still like it, CONTINUE READING! Sorry, Isumi turned out really OOC. First he is the Sakurazukamori then Sherlock Holmes… ^_________^ But he is also matured and I just wondered what it takes to have someone like Waya and be able not to submit himself completely. But I like him like that. For the haircut do I have to explain myself? The thought got struck in my weird mind and didn’t let me sleep if I don’t write it.
Chapter 03
Who the heck is concerned!
by Stray
12. 11. 2003
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
--------------------------------
I haven’t seen him for a week or so. That was disturbing. That wasn’t like him at all - not attending his scheduled matches, I even heard complaints about him having cancelled his tutoring sessions. But that meant he did it on purpose, not because some unforeseeable accident hindered him at fulfilling his duties. I couldn’t exactly figure why, but I certainly knew that his reason must have been our last conversation. Or something that had happened after that. But I couldn’t care less anymore. ’He was the one, who left me there after all! And he didn’t want to get involved with me, he made me understand that clearly enough. So why should I’ve been concerned about him?’ I thought.
I was greatly annoyed with his performance towards the matter. He didn’t even call me!
…He wasn’t playing fair, dammit!
But that was what he wanted, so I played his game and pretended not to care. I told myself that it didn’t strike me at all! Who cares, he didn’t give a damn about explaining me, just what had I done wrong to get him acting all insulted? Who needs him anyway? Annoying little prick! So why couldn’t I get him out of my mind? The more I tried the more failing I was at the attempt. Wherever I was - whatever I did.
"I resign." I sighed gloomily.
"You know, you _are_ in a shitty mood these days Shindo!" Waya 6-dan replied as we started to collect the stones.
"Leave me hung!" I grunted.
"Your play wasn’t this miserable since when you were… Actually I never witnessed you playing this pathetic!"
"I said… " I lifted my annoyed gaze to his face.
"GOSH! Your eyes _are_ creepy! Just how many nights in a row haven’t you get proper sleep?"
I didn’t say anything besides an irritated "tsk".
"Waya’s right" I heard a soft voice and from below my half-shut lids I observed a pair of blue jeans-clad legs come to a stand next to our table. Now Isumi too…
I swiftly tossed the last ones of my stones into their casket and stood. "Sorry, guys!" I said matter-of-factly, "I don’t feel like discussing my affairs with you right now."
"You don’t have to," Waya shrugged mocking me. "But what about Touya’s affairs?"
I was about to leave turning my back to them when I heard that last question. I froze in that instant. Didn’t feel like looking back at them, knowing what they would see on my face. Several minutes passed and I still wasn’t moving. I heard footsteps nearing me and felt a hand on my waist that belonged to Waya.
"Come then," Isumi said in a softly murmuring tone. "We owe you a dinner from last time. How about it now?" As Waya started to drag me along with him, Isumi calmly marching on my other side, I knew that he actually wasn’t issuing a polite invitation, much more an indeclinable order uttered in a misleadingly subtle manner. When Isumi was displeased with something he could be more frightening than Waya; sometimes giving me goosebumps on my back.
After a twenty-some-minutes-ride in Isumi’s car in deadly silence and following the two into their apartment - giving me the dumb feeling of being a prisoner currently escorted by his guards to his execution - I didn’t know what I was supposed to do being there.
As I heard the door clicking closed I faced them and asked promptly: "How and what do you know about Touya?"
Neither of them answered my question and it was infuriating. Sighing frustrated I followed their example at divesting myself from my jacket and shoes and stepping inside the living room. It felt odd, like I had been never there before - what wasn’t the fact - I couldn’t find my place.
"Sit!" Isumi commanded gesturing towards the comfortable sofa in the middle of the room. I did what he sad without thinking about it, why I have to obey. "First we eat, then after we are all sated, we will discuss everything."
’Gosh!’ I thought, ’I cannot endure another hour or so of that creepy silence! I have to know now…!’ But before I could say anything I saw Isumi fetching a pan from the fridge removing it’s hermetic covering and putting it onto the cooker to heat up. It smelled tasty and I just realized that I was in fact hungry like I haven’t eaten in days. Well, that wasn’t far from reality - more or less...
The food didn’t take long to warm up and within minutes I found myself sitting at the kitchen table along with my two friends.
"Itadakimasu."
After that we ate up in silence; and I helped Waya with the dishes while Isumi prepared some tea in a pot and put in on a tray on the table in the living room along with three cups.
As I felt the very moment nearing I wasn’t that determined anymore to speak about Touya. But I wanted to know what they knew just as badly as I didn’t want to tell them anything. At last I didn’t have a choice but to sit down across their piercing looks on me.
"So? We hear." Isumi pointed out, his calm voice unquestionably severe.
"You first!" I demanded pale-faced. He observed me for a time then nodded and looked at Waya signaling him to speak. I also directed my gaze towards the other man impatiently as he begun his speech.
"I met him yesterday," he said with a puzzled look on his face indicating his confusion about the whole matter. "He came here and requested from me to pass his message to you." His bewilderment was understandable, I thought, since he was the last person anyone expected Touya to entrust with something.
"What message?" I barked in raspy tone. I flinched at the urging undertone in my voice I didn’t realize was there until I saw the looks changing on their faces.
"He told me to let you know that he was sorry and he wanted to thank you, but that you would better not meet him for a couple of days until your scheduled match together. He said, something, I didn’t quite understand, that he wants to change or something… and than he gave me this letter to hand it over to you." With that he presented a piece of white paper to me carefully folded into an envelope-like shape, so that the content couldn’t be seen without unfolding it.
I didn’t notice that my hands were shaking until I distended my arm to take the letter from my bewildered friend.
"I don’t quite understand…" he tried to press me to tell him what was that all about. "I suppose, this time you two got out really bad from it, ne? You two just cannot play a friendly game without arguing…" he was saying other things too, but I wasn’t listening anymore, for I got the letter finally open and pried at the handwritten lines of neatly formed syllables.
The letter read:
<
Shindo,
I don’t really know, how to begin my letter.
I must apologize for the inconvenience I caused you the other day, and the days before that. I was most grateful for your kindness, your patience and your understanding you always displayed to me. I know, I am not worthy of you or your friendship, knowing very well what I had done so far. So I would understand you not wanting to meddle with me ever again.
Instead that - given your good nature - you even offered to help me out of this and you must know I appreciate that above all! And that’s why I cannot accept it from you. I must overcome my weaknesses by myself; I don’t want to drag you further into my affairs. You are so different from me, you are just too good-hearted and cannot see others suffering, so you would do anything to prevent that, I know. But I don’t want to use you to solve my problems by creating you other ones. I intend to change myself, to be stronger and to deserve someone like you as my friend and rival. No, I wont try to persuade you anymore to be anything else…
I need some time for thinking on my own, so I ask you to not seek my company until I seek yours. Next time we meet, I hope, I can be someone you won’t be feeling pity for.
Touya Akira
>
I read it and read over again several times. So that was what he thought about me, about himself…
I knew, he meant what he wrote. But I knew just as well, that he couldn’t accomplish it. Because if he could, he have had done it already - at his previous attempts. It was just so hopeless! And I knew it would cause him more suffering for I couldn’t be by his side since he didn’t want me to. Damn him!
"Shindo! You’re frightening me!" Waya said tentatively. "Y’know you’re actually crying?"
I lifted my fingers to my face astonished to feel the wetness of tears. I wasn’t looking at him nor at Isumi but somewhere in front of me with my gaze unfocused.
"What did that bastard write?" Waya asked somehow infuriated. He was clearly blaming him like he blamed him and our friendship for years for all mishaps that occurred to me: he didn’t like him after all.
I handed him the letter without a word and was waiting for them to read.
Of course Waya was the first to speak. "This time you have to had beaten him really hard! But I don’t see the clue, why you react like that. He will eventually gather himself and hey! he didn’t cancel your eternal rivalry either…"
"Waya…" Isumi interfered softly. "I don’t think, it is about Go anymore …"
"What do you mean?" he asked bewildered. But Isumi wasn’t answering him instead he directed his next question at me.
"What did he mean by that:" and he begun to read from the paper, "’… I wont try to persuade you anymore to be anything else…’ What is that ’else’?"
I snapped out from my reverie instantly and flinched. I wasn’t really hoping that phrase would somehow escape his attention. And I knew he was exactly aware of what that meant. He only wanted to hear it from my mouth. I turned my head to look at the wall refusing to give him that confession.
"You can guess, I bet!"
"Eh?" exclaimed Waya who only threw questioning looks at us, not understanding. Yet he seemed finally to catch up with Isumi. "You don’t wanna say, that you and Touya are…" he faltered not really knowing how to express himself. "You two are… a couple?"
Isumi sighed. "No, Waya, they aren’t. And I think that is the core of the whole mess. Am I right?" Isumi looked at me questioning. I nodded firmly. "I suppose I am correct with the assumption that he wants to change that situation." I nodded once more. "And while you consider him as a friend, you cannot accept him to be your lover…"
I wasn’t reacting. Was that true? "No, it isn’t that I could not accept him. Only… I don’t think I would be able to feel the same way for him he feels for me."
"I knew it!" Waya rolled his eyes. "I wouldn’t have thought that the time would come when I say something to _his_ defense, but… you cannot see him as someone you could love, because, he is a man?"
I shook my head. They cannot understand me, I thought, why should I bother to explain? But they were my friends, who had entrusted me with their own secret before, so I owned them at least that. And besides - I noticed - I needed badly someone who I could speak openly with about the things that disturbed me.
"That shouldn’t matter…" I said cautiously. "… the gender I mean… if you really love someone. But…" I sighed. How could I explain it without mentioning Sai? "I don’t think I am capable of those kind of feelings. Not anymore…"
"Eh? What do you mean by ’not capable’?" Waya gave me a perplexed look.
"Isn’t it the case that you are well capable, but you don’t want to begin to feel anything for him?" Isumi contemplated. I shrugged that could be taken both as yes or no.
"It is not because of him. It is because of me." I said finally.
"Oh! Some big disappointment in the past?" Waya asked disregarding the weight of the question. I noticed then that there was something deeper behind his lightly joking manner. He wanted to deflect my thoughts from what he thought to be was unnecessary worrying. And I was thankful for it and found myself giving in to his attempts.
I nodded curtly and instantly felt better. I didn’t have to mention Sai for them to understand and it let the load off my mind.
"I fear to lose him as a friend as well though if I don’t try." I said then.
"Then you shouldn’t think about feelings too much! Just grab him and toss him onto the bed! He would feel better and you wouldn’t have to worry! If you are _capable_ I mean…" Waya snickered. I was infuriated. Just because once in the past I turned down his offer for a three-some with him and Isumi - that besides I think Isumi wasn’t _that_ happy about either - he thought I was lying before when I said that gender didn’t matter to me!
"HAH! We are a _waaay_ past that!" I roared completely forgetting the gloominess of the previous days and its cause for a moment.
There was a thick silence following my announcement. And when I threw a glimpse at their shocked expressions I became conscious that they just realized what I was speaking about the whole time. And that I had actually admitted that Touya and I could be into each other. That we in fact _had_ been intimate with each other… Oh my! I’ve messed things up again! I don’t think, Touya would prefer them - especially Waya - to know that he is indeed gay… but I didn’t said he is, ne? I only said he wants me to… no that was Isumi who said that, not me.
"You say, he actually succeeded at getting you laid?" Waya snorted and I think it gave him just one reason more to despise Touya.
"Hmph! Maybe I was the one getting him laid!" I said shrugging. "I don’t really remember ’cause we were both drunk that night. Only that I woke up the following morning in my bed next to him and we didn’t have anything on…" I admitted.
"Then you don’t have any evidence that it really happened?" Waya asked curiously. I shrugged that he could take for an affirmation. I let him believe that. Though there were _quite some_ evidences on the bed sheets and on our bodies of what happened. Not only once… And I had to wear turtleneck for a week till the marks faded. And he was wearing long sleeves to conceal the huge blue fleck on his forearm that resembled a bite. Usually I wasn’t that aggressive during sex, so I could have thought that he had it from someone else, but somehow it felt better to think that he had it from me.
"So what are you going to do?" Isumi asked using the silence.
I shrugged and felt my heart sink being reminded of the situation. But I couldn’t escape from dealing with it.
"I dunno." I said. "Suppose, I will do what he wants me to… wait till he comes to me."
"And what then? What will be your answer?"
"Depends on what he asks."
"What if he asks you to leave him alone?"
I did not reply. I just couldn’t think of that to happen. Though it was a real alternative.
I shook my head and got off the couch. I didn’t realize how sore my muscles became though I could not be sitting that long.
"I’ve got to go!" I said my gaze fixed on the floor. They showed me out of the door and I didn’t even say farewell to them so absorbed I was with my thoughts.
I don’t remember much from the days that followed. I lived my life in a half-dreaming state that I was only snapped out from for the time of my tutoring sessions and games where I had to concentrate on Go. I noticed long before that Go was the only thing I could divert my thoughts on whenever I was in that kind of contemplating mood. Go always helped me somehow to feel better if only for a couple of hours. If not for anything else but for that I was grateful to Go. It gave my life a sense and I just loved to play, to merge in the simple world of black and white, clearly outlined shapes, no ambivalence and complications like in the real world. Or so I saw it whenever I had troubles with my own life. Either I could predict the hands of my opponent correctly or not, but there were no fatal consequences if I failed at some point. Go was a play of logic; there were no place for feelings in it, except when I played someone really strong. But strangely enough it didn’t prevent me to connect the love I felt for Go with the one I had felt long before for Sai. I didn’t know which one came from the other one, but Go always let me remember of Sai in a saddened but also contented manner. When I looked at the Go-ban, every now and then I could see a long strain of fine, raven black hair floating upon it with the motion of its owner leaning above the table. Though in these days- with my thoughts on _him_, I had sometimes troubles to distinguish whose hair it was.
Then one morning I woke up to the realization that the day of our game was right before me. I felt a strange energy rising in my chest compared to the fad mood of the previous week and I went about my morning routine refreshed if not renewed. I took a shower and ate breakfast - since days I had a real appetite. But I found my swirling thoughts not around the game but the person. I felt the doubts slipping into my heart and I tried to deflect that feeling into the anticipation for… what really? What should I feel anticipation for? "That’s it!" I thought and let the anger taking over my mind for it was a lot better than the dismay that threatened to overwhelm.
I finished my morning activities in record time and I left my apartment early. I wasn’t that early in my whole life! It comes handy, I thought, for he had the custom to arrive earlier than necessarily so we had time to speak before the beginning of our match. I didn’t know when I got up and down the train or where I went; I think it was the usual route I always took to the Go institute. I was thinking of him but my thoughts were not those with imprinted anxiety that became almost familiar in the past few days. Before my inner eye were displayed various pictures of him smiling - playing Go - concentrating - infuriated in the middle of our usual fights - and several of his other expressions at random occasions those took place in the past. That’s why I found myself surprised at once standing before the entrance of the Go institute staring at my own image mirrored by the glass door.
I pushed my way in and discovered that the institute was nearly empty at this time. Nearly, I said, because there was one person standing in the dim-lit corridor leading to the room where the tables were standing. I couldn’t see clearly who it was, though the lean, graceful silhouette seemed disturbingly familiar but in some details alien at once. I begun to dash towards that figure and found myself out of breath standing before the person in just mere seconds. He turned and I saw piercing, midnight blue eyes staring at me with a questioning look. Recognition hit in an instant and I saw the eyes widen with unconcealed anxiousness. But I could not restrain myself from enveloping him into a tight hug as soon as I confirmed my suspicion of the identity of the person.
"Touya!" I exclaimed still with him in my hold. Then I draw back just to an arms length to be able to observe him thoroughly once more. Then it hit me, like a sharp slap on my face. The unfamiliar feeling that caught me as I saw him but didn’t reach my conscious yet was…
"You let…" I gasped. "… cut your hair?!!!"
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Author’s note: This chapter turned out a _bit_ longer so I had to slice it in two. The other half is up as well, so if you still like it, CONTINUE READING! Sorry, Isumi turned out really OOC. First he is the Sakurazukamori then Sherlock Holmes… ^_________^ But he is also matured and I just wondered what it takes to have someone like Waya and be able not to submit himself completely. But I like him like that. For the haircut do I have to explain myself? The thought got struck in my weird mind and didn’t let me sleep if I don’t write it.