Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Concerning him ❯ Concerning us ( Chapter 4 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Stray 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.8K | Visits: 704 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.8K | Visits: 704 | Status: Work In Progress
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Chapter 03 and 1/2
Concerning us
by Stray
14. 11. 2003
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
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Chapter 03 and 1/2
Concerning us
I stood mesmerized by his sight. He looked so… different! I couldn’t decide if he looked younger or older than with his familiar, shoulder-length hair. He looked like another person I didn’t know. My expression rendered him uncertain.
"You don’t like it?" he said barely audible.
"Umm…" I didn’t know what to say. "It’s kinda drastic… I mean…" ’How in the hell did I end up with a completely pointless conversation about his hairdo when we had much more important matters to speak about!’ I thought with frustration.
"I know," he said finally. "That’s why I did it. I wanted you to look at me as a different person. You read my message?" he asked suddenly. I nodded. "Then you know. I did really mean when I wrote I want to change. Not only physically, but it helps to make people conscious about it."
"What people?" I asked with a hint of bewilderment and couldn’t understand he actually believed that nonsense.
"Mainly you and myself" he answered simply. "But on the other hand… it doesn’t look that…" he sniffed lightly "…feminine…"
I had to agree on that one. Now he differently looked more masculine - in his own, delicate ways.
"Yeah!" I snorted smugly. "Your ears stick out!"
"Shindo!" He covered the insulted body parts abruptly then a hint of red flushed his cheeks and he realized what he was doing so he forced his arms down to cross them before his chest. "They don’t!" he growled.
"Yes, they do!" I said with a half-faked cheerfulness, sorely tempted to play along with his act. ’And why not?’ I thought somehow lightened. ’As long as he _is_ capable of maintaining his role as a ’changed persona’, I should not discourage him with my doubts.’ As I thought that, I felt a week sense of hope crawling into my mind that maybe this time he would actually succeed.
After that we began to walk down the corridor into the main room. "So, you have changed?" I asked. "How exactly?"
He paused his steps and I had to stop too. He looked at me hesitantly. "I don’t want to speak about that topic yet…" I shrugged.
"Okay. Then another time." I wanted him to know that he won’t get away with that just by saying so. He nodded and I abandoned the subject.
We were chatting about less important stuff, going trough some kifu recorded from games that were played in the previous week and arguing about possible solutions he and I would have used to win in the place of the loser. Like the other things were forgotten or never happened. But I was tolerating that because I didn’t need to think about _him_ when we were playing our game.
The Go institute was soon filled with people - other pros who had a game and staff personal arriving to their work. I threw a glimpse on the clock and was surprised to find that there were mere ten seconds before starting the match.
"We should go." I suggested and Touya after looking at his watch confirmed.
It was a game I was enjoying thoroughly. Maybe because the fact that we weren’t playing each other for nearly a month before. He seemed to have improved his technique even in that little time, but I wasn’t willing to take loss easily and managed to stay always close behind. Then at once I saw an opening in his defenses that he perhaps considered insignificant because I had to risk a lot to seize that territory and he didn’t anticipate me being so reckless. But I was going to lose otherwise, so I decided to take that chance and though I barely succeeded defending my shape, at the end I managed to get the upper hand by that.
"You won by two and a half." he said after counting the stones still unbelieving that I had come through with that. "That was impressive!" he said with an amazed undertone in his calm voice. I could not help but flash a self-satisfied grin as he looked at me.
"See, you should fear me more!" I joked.
"Hmf! Go and write down your win!" he snorted.
"How about lunch after that?"
"You mean ramen? No thanks. I have matters to attend to anyway. See you later, Shindo!"
He stood up and left. I stood stunned where I was and could only stare at his receding silhouette. Suddenly I found myself grinning silly. He really _had_ his ears sticking out a little…
"Who was that?" I heard a tentatively inquiring voice from my other side. I put down the felt-pen and turned towards Waya.
"Touya." I said trying not to laugh.
"Eh?" he looked bewildered. "So that was what he meant by changing himself?" ’I hope not!’ I thought but I didn’t respond besides a shrug. "Did you win?" I asked. "Yeah"…
Soon we were absorbed in a cheerful conversation - he didn’t lose a word about the past week’s events and I wasn’t intended to do so either. We waited till Isumi ended his game and went together for lunch, and not for ramen to my utter disappointment.
When I got home I found my mood abruptly dropping below the ground level. So, I met Touya today, and he seemed to be okay, but I wasn’t really calm about his ’self-changing-act’. I mean he could be only pretending to have changed, because he knows I don’t approve his ’night-life’ and decided to hide it from me. That was not good! I had to have some proof of either one. But what could I do? I giggled at the thought of me waiting in dark alleys and shadowing his every move, like in a third-rate detective-novel. Though it wasn’t a particularly joyful giggle.
I was so in my thoughts, that I didn’t notice when evening came. I was alarmed only by the grumbling in my stomach. When I looked at the clock it read eleven o’clock already. It was damn late! But I just couldn’t calm down on Touya’s matter. I decided to call him despite the time. I was crazy, I knew. I just lifted the receiver to my ear when I heard the entry phone ringing. I put it down and went to the door swearing but my curse died on my tongue as I heard the faint voice through the speaker.
"Can I come up?" he said.
I didn’t answer only pressed the button to open the front door for him and waited with dry mouth for the elevator to arrive at the level. I felt the minutes pass with a snail’s speed and found myself slowly suffocating by the breath I held back. Then he stepped out to the corridor and I didn’t know if I should feel ease or be upset because he scared me.
He walked towards me in his usual manner (no thorn clothes and bruises on his face, I gauged habitually) though his short hair seemed still a bit weird to me. I let him in and he followed toeing off his shoes and removing his coat.
"What’s up?" I asked trying to steady my voice.
He frowned and gestured like he was ashamed of something. "I’m sorry for the trouble, but it seems that somehow I managed to forget paying my rents and I was evicted from my apartment. I wanted to ask you if I could sleep at your place tonight only…"
I laughed with the stress easing down. "What a question! Of course you can. You freaked the shit out of me, you know…"
Touya looked at me with a frown. "You weren’t trusting me after all." he said with a small sigh. "I cannot blame you though…"
I felt bad and I couldn’t explain it to myself since I had all rights not to trust him. But nonetheless it felt kind like a betrayal on my side. After that we didn’t speak about the _verboten_ topic. I cooked some instant food for the two of us since he also didn’t eat since lunch. Then we went to sleep - he insisted to take the couch and I wasn’t genuinely eager to convince him otherwise.
Next day he went out looking for a new place but he couldn’t find anything satisfactory. Each one was either too huge or too expensive, or too far away. He wanted to rent a hotel room but I persuaded him to stay till he had found one. So - I figured - I could at least keep an eye on him.
The day after I helped him to bring some of his belongings to my apartment. The rest lay in neatly packed boxes in a storeroom of the Go salon that belonged his father once. Ichikawa-san was more than willing to help him.
As the days passed we developed a delicate equilibrium of not mentioning things, and acting, as his feelings towards me were only that of a good friend’s, nothing more. And I wasn’t sure if it offended me in a manner or I felt lightened about it. I decided for both. But it began to disturb me because of the unreleased tension in our every move. Even at our nightly Go games. Nonetheless he seemed to cherish my company and I found an equally contented feeling in myself whenever he was near and we just performed our daily routine of life. After a time I could relax and I didn’t thought about _those_ things, for he spent every night at home with me and didn’t seem to feel any urge to do _that_ again. I arrogantly claimed the triumph as my influence at him.
The winter approached and he had to take more of his warm clothing into my apartment but we found a place for everything for the space wasn’t cramped and I didn’t have too much furniture either. So at the end a couple of his drawers and a futon for him to sleep were also accommodated in there. He was still searching but I presumed he wasn’t that determined to actually find another flat (we split the rent and running costs after the first week). I didn’t mind; it suited me just well to have him with me. I found that I haven’t really known him until that time but oddly enough he was a lot like I expected him to be in his private life. I don’t know what kind of impressions he got from me in that aspect but as weeks then months passed we begun to adjust ourselves to the other’s customs and preferences. Usually he was cooking since he _could_ and I slowly found myself paying attention to keep my things in a better order.
At first no one knew that he lived at my place, so the first time was a big mess when Isumi and Waya came to pay me an unexpected visit and found Touya in my bathroom doing the laundry - ’cause it was his turn to do that. Of course they weren’t holding back and were teasing me unendingly so that it was unpreventable for Touya to learn that they were well aware of his ’preferences’ and some details of our connection. It took me a damn lot of time and my nerves to explain them the situation without insulting Touya who was present of course and within hearing range. And after that just as much to endure all the infuriated questions he was throwing at me inquiring just how much I had revealed them. Let’s just say I barely came out of the situation without any of my bones broken.
Then somehow the information slipped out into the Go world and we had countless interviewers to explain ourselves. Once I met Touya’s dad accidentally but he didn’t greet me just shot me a half-angry, half-disgusted glance and left. I saw a newspaper in his hand with Touya’s picture on the first page. I couldn’t wait for my session to end and ran out to buy that paper. There was an interview with Touya titled: "Big revealing!" I felt a lump in my stomach as I began to read it.
<…Reporter: "Is it true, that you live together with one of the other Go professionals, who you claim to label as your rival? He is Shindo Hikaru, the idol of many female and even male Go-fans in the whole country, ne?"
Touya 9-dan: "Yes, we share an apartment."
R: "Do you share a bedroom as well?"
T: "… I don’t see how that affects the main topic…"
R: "So, do you?"
T: /smiling/ "Openly speaking, if we both were into men, do you think, I could get my hold on someone, who is that much idolized by everyone? But he is my good friend and it isn’t that uncommon for friends to share an apartment nowadays…">
I was confused. He didn’t tell me anything about this interview. Not that he was obliged to, but he usually did. And she was asking weird questions too. No, not weird, rather uncomfortable. Good that Touya could cut her down though his answer was a little ambiguous to my liking.
Then spring came and we were still living together. I was accustomed to it after the winter passed. (We celebrated Christmas and New Year’s Eve at my mom and dad’s without any big parade just the four of us. We got my old room to sleep over, two separate futons, and they weren’t asking questions. Not that anything happened anyway.)
One day he came home with a slight smile on his face and when I inquired him of the cause, he simply told me that he had found a passable apartment and asked me if I wanted to see it. I agreed and we set the appointment at the afternoon of the next day after our matches. And I didn’t understand myself for feeling a huge emptiness crawling into my inside at the thought of separating.
At the arranged time we met in the subway and traveled together two stations. Then got out and took a walk of five minutes; after that we arrived at a huge apartment building. "It’s on the thirteenth." He said and I was confused though I didn’t believe in superstition since I was a kid and Sai assured me that there isn’t any misfortune about the number 13. Well, he maybe just said it to calm me down on occasion, but I still believed him. At that time though it seemed he was wrong.
When he opened the door with his _own_ keys, I knew that he would take it and leave me. (’Once more’ I thought with a masochistic tendency taking over my mood.) I stepped inside and was astounded about the spacious interior that seemed big enough to accommodate a whole Go tournament. Well, maybe not quite, but it was definitely bigger than mine. One large living room, two smaller rooms, a big, American style kitchen, separate toilet and bathroom, a wardrobe room and washroom.
"Didn’t you say that you won’t have a bigger one then mine?" I asked curiously.
He shrugged. "Yes, but I saw this one and I liked it. Besides, I don’t plan to move in alone…"
That shocked me. He found someone without me knowing it? But how…? I couldn’t say anything except gaping.
He looked at me smiling warmly then took mercy on me. "How does it sound? Want to move in with me? Like we live now, only more comfortable."
Suddenly as his words begun to get a sense within my confused mind I felt the emptiness slowly replaced with a feeling indescribable at that time. I nodded slowly and was rewarded with his widening smile.
"I have one condition though!" I said knowing that it won’t earn his appreciation. "We have something to talk about first." I didn’t have to emphasize what I was speaking about. He nodded slowly, the smile disappeared, but he remained calm and I knew this time he would cooperate.
"Let’s go home first!" I said and he let out an affirming growl.
We ordered take-out not wanting to waste time on cooking. We had dinner then did the dishes in silence only with the most needed exchange of words. After he didn’t find anything to do - I let him occupy himself with minor activities, knowing that he needs some time to think and he will eventually come to me when he is ready - he sat down on the couch next to me. He was nervous I could tell that from his body language.
He didn’t speak a word on his own; he waited for me to ask first.
"So, you really managed to change, after all I was wrong about you…" I started.
"Not really" his voice was muffled. "I couldn’t change my feelings towards you." He looked me in the eyes. "It is only fair for you to know, I don’t want to lie to you, so I am sorry, but I cannot stop loving you." He sniffled a little uncomfortably. "In fact these nearly four months with you only increased it more. So I don’t know if I would be able to continue without you anymore…"
"That was honest… And for that I also have to tell you, that I consider you as my best friend and I really liked to be with you as friends. But love…"
He shook his head. "You don’t have to. I don’t want something from you that you are not able or willing to give on your own. I understand that that time you only said… that you could try to love me back because you felt sorry for me."
"Of course I felt that! Normally you feel sorry for someone in this situation, even more if you l… are friends with that someone." I stammered out. Somehow it didn’t feel right to say that word: 'love' in this context. "But now I know that you are strong and I don’t have to worry anymore about that you would… harm yourself. Do I?"
He glanced at me steadily. "I don’t intend to." He said finally. " I will try not to. Even if you don’t want to stay with me, if you find someone to love…"
’Most unlikely’ I thought and maybe said it out loud because his gaze became puzzled. I shook my head. "Not important." I muttered half audibly. "But I want to know something I couldn’t figure out since you left my apartment that morning so hurriedly. Mind if I ask you?" He didn’t answer only stared at me in confusion. So I felt authorized to ask. "Why did you do that? I mean I offered you something, you wanted _that_ badly, and instead of accepting it or should I say after it seemed you were accepting it, you got mad at me and then you didn’t speak with me for a week."
"What do you want to know?" he paled noticeably.
"Just what did you think by that? I mean, I’m sorry if I was too direct that time, it’s just…"
"I hurt you, didn’t I?" He shook his head and I noticed tears in the corners of his eyes. "Whatever I tried, I always ended up hurting you; making you hate me the more," he said.
I took a deep breath but wasn’t able to say anything not insulting "Baka!" I exclaimed after a minute silence. "Why do you think I hated you? I never have…"
"However, I just couldn’t let _that_ happen. I know my body is dirty. I didn’t want you to become like me, despicable, stained… All because of me…"
He was sobbing miserably and couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. I shifted myself to sit next to him and embraced his shoulders trying to comfort him. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know he had such ideas about himself and suspected the hand of his father in it. "Don’t you think, I can decide what I want to become? But that aside, I don’t think you’re dirty. In fact, you were always too… pure for the dirty things you were confronted with. You have to accept what you are because you cannot change that you are attracted to men instead of women. And only a few narrow-minded people would despise you because of that. Unfortunately your father is one of them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that all people are the same."
"But… but I dirtied myself even more. I let strangers use me like I used them to be able to feel something akin love. But it wasn’t love and I knew that. That’s why I am dirty."
I felt anger rising in my chest. "No, you feel dirty because you want to pity yourself. But it doesn’t lead anywhere. Don’t you see? That isn’t a way to go!"
He tensed. His sobs abruptly stopped and I sensed his fury building up in him. "What do you know?!" He jerked out of my grip and stood before me. I saw his body trembling with tension. "How could you understand? You never have been rejected by anyone! You weren’t living your life knowing that you could be happy with that someone if things were just a little bit different! You weren’t ever contemplating on throwing away anything for that matter! No, you don’t have any right to lecture me!"
At the end he yelled, tears dampened his cheeks and I knew I hit the wrong button. Even so, he had to be confronted with that and better he hears it from me as from someone else. I knew he didn’t thought thru his words but they hurt me nonetheless. I should have been stopped him but I was engrossed with that, so I didn’t. I only observed him getting his shoes and his jacket and wasn’t willing to hold him back.
"Fine, go!" I shouted after he left and I knew he could hear it. Then I went to the door he left open and closed it.
I sit on my couch for an eternity, contemplating. I didn’t know what I should do. The feelings of hurt didn’t last long after my rational part of mind convinced me that he didn’t know what he was speaking about and that he only said it because he was upset and angry and he didn’t want to hurt me deliberately.
There I sat for hours already, then I begun to worry about him. What he would feel like? What he would do like in this confused state of mind? I hoped he wouldn’t resort to the first stranger he saw in an alley for some comfort. No, I had to trust him, I told so to myself. But he was awful late and I didn’t know where he could go for the night. I pondered about calling Waya and Isumi if not for anything else but a friendly, encouraging discussion.
Just in that moment the phone rang and I ran to pick it up. It was him. From the noises of cars and crowd I presumed that he was calling from a public phone booth somewhere in the city.
"I am sorry…" he said and sounded so. "You were right and I was selfish again. Can I come home?"
"You better hurry! I worried out my mind!" I heard myself saying and I couldn’t suppress a sigh of subsiding tension.
"I will be there in half an hour or so. It’s late. You don’t have to wait for me."
"But I want to. So don’t you go wandering!"
He laughed softly and promised not to. We didn’t speak more.
I waited. The half hour passed. Then another twenty minutes. Then I was waiting for an hour and he still was nowhere. I was pacing to and fro in my living room and didn’t dare to think about the cause of him being late. I picked up the receiver and dialed his cell-phone number, immediately I heard the ringing tone from his briefcase. I cursed.
Then my own cell-pone rang and when I picked up, I heard a neat, female voice inquiring my name. When I identified myself as Shindo Hikaru she formally told me that a man with the documents of Touya Akira has been delivered into ##### Hospital and I was the person to inform given on his insurance card.
To be continued soon…
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Author’s note: About the other half of the chapter: sorry again, that I left it there but now I have approximately outlined ideas for the next chapters. I think there will be two and maybe an epilogue. But if you have some too, they are welcomed. I would also appreciate some grammar correction ’cause at some parts I am not certain I wrote it correctly. If you don’t understand something LET ME KNOW! This is only the alpha version anyway.
The ##### Hospital is a random place, it has no further importance, so you can replace the name with what you would like. The cause I didn’t is that I don’t know Japan at all. So I also don’t know if people there carry identification documents with them and if yes then what kind. Also, I suck when it comes to Go. It isn’t a game widely known in my country. Last time I downloaded a tutoring program but it’s Dutch and I don’t speak Dutch either, so I cannot read the tutoring part. ^_^‘
Chapter 03 and 1/2
Concerning us
by Stray
14. 11. 2003
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
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Chapter 03 and 1/2
Concerning us
I stood mesmerized by his sight. He looked so… different! I couldn’t decide if he looked younger or older than with his familiar, shoulder-length hair. He looked like another person I didn’t know. My expression rendered him uncertain.
"You don’t like it?" he said barely audible.
"Umm…" I didn’t know what to say. "It’s kinda drastic… I mean…" ’How in the hell did I end up with a completely pointless conversation about his hairdo when we had much more important matters to speak about!’ I thought with frustration.
"I know," he said finally. "That’s why I did it. I wanted you to look at me as a different person. You read my message?" he asked suddenly. I nodded. "Then you know. I did really mean when I wrote I want to change. Not only physically, but it helps to make people conscious about it."
"What people?" I asked with a hint of bewilderment and couldn’t understand he actually believed that nonsense.
"Mainly you and myself" he answered simply. "But on the other hand… it doesn’t look that…" he sniffed lightly "…feminine…"
I had to agree on that one. Now he differently looked more masculine - in his own, delicate ways.
"Yeah!" I snorted smugly. "Your ears stick out!"
"Shindo!" He covered the insulted body parts abruptly then a hint of red flushed his cheeks and he realized what he was doing so he forced his arms down to cross them before his chest. "They don’t!" he growled.
"Yes, they do!" I said with a half-faked cheerfulness, sorely tempted to play along with his act. ’And why not?’ I thought somehow lightened. ’As long as he _is_ capable of maintaining his role as a ’changed persona’, I should not discourage him with my doubts.’ As I thought that, I felt a week sense of hope crawling into my mind that maybe this time he would actually succeed.
After that we began to walk down the corridor into the main room. "So, you have changed?" I asked. "How exactly?"
He paused his steps and I had to stop too. He looked at me hesitantly. "I don’t want to speak about that topic yet…" I shrugged.
"Okay. Then another time." I wanted him to know that he won’t get away with that just by saying so. He nodded and I abandoned the subject.
We were chatting about less important stuff, going trough some kifu recorded from games that were played in the previous week and arguing about possible solutions he and I would have used to win in the place of the loser. Like the other things were forgotten or never happened. But I was tolerating that because I didn’t need to think about _him_ when we were playing our game.
The Go institute was soon filled with people - other pros who had a game and staff personal arriving to their work. I threw a glimpse on the clock and was surprised to find that there were mere ten seconds before starting the match.
"We should go." I suggested and Touya after looking at his watch confirmed.
It was a game I was enjoying thoroughly. Maybe because the fact that we weren’t playing each other for nearly a month before. He seemed to have improved his technique even in that little time, but I wasn’t willing to take loss easily and managed to stay always close behind. Then at once I saw an opening in his defenses that he perhaps considered insignificant because I had to risk a lot to seize that territory and he didn’t anticipate me being so reckless. But I was going to lose otherwise, so I decided to take that chance and though I barely succeeded defending my shape, at the end I managed to get the upper hand by that.
"You won by two and a half." he said after counting the stones still unbelieving that I had come through with that. "That was impressive!" he said with an amazed undertone in his calm voice. I could not help but flash a self-satisfied grin as he looked at me.
"See, you should fear me more!" I joked.
"Hmf! Go and write down your win!" he snorted.
"How about lunch after that?"
"You mean ramen? No thanks. I have matters to attend to anyway. See you later, Shindo!"
He stood up and left. I stood stunned where I was and could only stare at his receding silhouette. Suddenly I found myself grinning silly. He really _had_ his ears sticking out a little…
"Who was that?" I heard a tentatively inquiring voice from my other side. I put down the felt-pen and turned towards Waya.
"Touya." I said trying not to laugh.
"Eh?" he looked bewildered. "So that was what he meant by changing himself?" ’I hope not!’ I thought but I didn’t respond besides a shrug. "Did you win?" I asked. "Yeah"…
Soon we were absorbed in a cheerful conversation - he didn’t lose a word about the past week’s events and I wasn’t intended to do so either. We waited till Isumi ended his game and went together for lunch, and not for ramen to my utter disappointment.
When I got home I found my mood abruptly dropping below the ground level. So, I met Touya today, and he seemed to be okay, but I wasn’t really calm about his ’self-changing-act’. I mean he could be only pretending to have changed, because he knows I don’t approve his ’night-life’ and decided to hide it from me. That was not good! I had to have some proof of either one. But what could I do? I giggled at the thought of me waiting in dark alleys and shadowing his every move, like in a third-rate detective-novel. Though it wasn’t a particularly joyful giggle.
I was so in my thoughts, that I didn’t notice when evening came. I was alarmed only by the grumbling in my stomach. When I looked at the clock it read eleven o’clock already. It was damn late! But I just couldn’t calm down on Touya’s matter. I decided to call him despite the time. I was crazy, I knew. I just lifted the receiver to my ear when I heard the entry phone ringing. I put it down and went to the door swearing but my curse died on my tongue as I heard the faint voice through the speaker.
"Can I come up?" he said.
I didn’t answer only pressed the button to open the front door for him and waited with dry mouth for the elevator to arrive at the level. I felt the minutes pass with a snail’s speed and found myself slowly suffocating by the breath I held back. Then he stepped out to the corridor and I didn’t know if I should feel ease or be upset because he scared me.
He walked towards me in his usual manner (no thorn clothes and bruises on his face, I gauged habitually) though his short hair seemed still a bit weird to me. I let him in and he followed toeing off his shoes and removing his coat.
"What’s up?" I asked trying to steady my voice.
He frowned and gestured like he was ashamed of something. "I’m sorry for the trouble, but it seems that somehow I managed to forget paying my rents and I was evicted from my apartment. I wanted to ask you if I could sleep at your place tonight only…"
I laughed with the stress easing down. "What a question! Of course you can. You freaked the shit out of me, you know…"
Touya looked at me with a frown. "You weren’t trusting me after all." he said with a small sigh. "I cannot blame you though…"
I felt bad and I couldn’t explain it to myself since I had all rights not to trust him. But nonetheless it felt kind like a betrayal on my side. After that we didn’t speak about the _verboten_ topic. I cooked some instant food for the two of us since he also didn’t eat since lunch. Then we went to sleep - he insisted to take the couch and I wasn’t genuinely eager to convince him otherwise.
Next day he went out looking for a new place but he couldn’t find anything satisfactory. Each one was either too huge or too expensive, or too far away. He wanted to rent a hotel room but I persuaded him to stay till he had found one. So - I figured - I could at least keep an eye on him.
The day after I helped him to bring some of his belongings to my apartment. The rest lay in neatly packed boxes in a storeroom of the Go salon that belonged his father once. Ichikawa-san was more than willing to help him.
As the days passed we developed a delicate equilibrium of not mentioning things, and acting, as his feelings towards me were only that of a good friend’s, nothing more. And I wasn’t sure if it offended me in a manner or I felt lightened about it. I decided for both. But it began to disturb me because of the unreleased tension in our every move. Even at our nightly Go games. Nonetheless he seemed to cherish my company and I found an equally contented feeling in myself whenever he was near and we just performed our daily routine of life. After a time I could relax and I didn’t thought about _those_ things, for he spent every night at home with me and didn’t seem to feel any urge to do _that_ again. I arrogantly claimed the triumph as my influence at him.
The winter approached and he had to take more of his warm clothing into my apartment but we found a place for everything for the space wasn’t cramped and I didn’t have too much furniture either. So at the end a couple of his drawers and a futon for him to sleep were also accommodated in there. He was still searching but I presumed he wasn’t that determined to actually find another flat (we split the rent and running costs after the first week). I didn’t mind; it suited me just well to have him with me. I found that I haven’t really known him until that time but oddly enough he was a lot like I expected him to be in his private life. I don’t know what kind of impressions he got from me in that aspect but as weeks then months passed we begun to adjust ourselves to the other’s customs and preferences. Usually he was cooking since he _could_ and I slowly found myself paying attention to keep my things in a better order.
At first no one knew that he lived at my place, so the first time was a big mess when Isumi and Waya came to pay me an unexpected visit and found Touya in my bathroom doing the laundry - ’cause it was his turn to do that. Of course they weren’t holding back and were teasing me unendingly so that it was unpreventable for Touya to learn that they were well aware of his ’preferences’ and some details of our connection. It took me a damn lot of time and my nerves to explain them the situation without insulting Touya who was present of course and within hearing range. And after that just as much to endure all the infuriated questions he was throwing at me inquiring just how much I had revealed them. Let’s just say I barely came out of the situation without any of my bones broken.
Then somehow the information slipped out into the Go world and we had countless interviewers to explain ourselves. Once I met Touya’s dad accidentally but he didn’t greet me just shot me a half-angry, half-disgusted glance and left. I saw a newspaper in his hand with Touya’s picture on the first page. I couldn’t wait for my session to end and ran out to buy that paper. There was an interview with Touya titled: "Big revealing!" I felt a lump in my stomach as I began to read it.
<…Reporter: "Is it true, that you live together with one of the other Go professionals, who you claim to label as your rival? He is Shindo Hikaru, the idol of many female and even male Go-fans in the whole country, ne?"
Touya 9-dan: "Yes, we share an apartment."
R: "Do you share a bedroom as well?"
T: "… I don’t see how that affects the main topic…"
R: "So, do you?"
T: /smiling/ "Openly speaking, if we both were into men, do you think, I could get my hold on someone, who is that much idolized by everyone? But he is my good friend and it isn’t that uncommon for friends to share an apartment nowadays…">
I was confused. He didn’t tell me anything about this interview. Not that he was obliged to, but he usually did. And she was asking weird questions too. No, not weird, rather uncomfortable. Good that Touya could cut her down though his answer was a little ambiguous to my liking.
Then spring came and we were still living together. I was accustomed to it after the winter passed. (We celebrated Christmas and New Year’s Eve at my mom and dad’s without any big parade just the four of us. We got my old room to sleep over, two separate futons, and they weren’t asking questions. Not that anything happened anyway.)
One day he came home with a slight smile on his face and when I inquired him of the cause, he simply told me that he had found a passable apartment and asked me if I wanted to see it. I agreed and we set the appointment at the afternoon of the next day after our matches. And I didn’t understand myself for feeling a huge emptiness crawling into my inside at the thought of separating.
At the arranged time we met in the subway and traveled together two stations. Then got out and took a walk of five minutes; after that we arrived at a huge apartment building. "It’s on the thirteenth." He said and I was confused though I didn’t believe in superstition since I was a kid and Sai assured me that there isn’t any misfortune about the number 13. Well, he maybe just said it to calm me down on occasion, but I still believed him. At that time though it seemed he was wrong.
When he opened the door with his _own_ keys, I knew that he would take it and leave me. (’Once more’ I thought with a masochistic tendency taking over my mood.) I stepped inside and was astounded about the spacious interior that seemed big enough to accommodate a whole Go tournament. Well, maybe not quite, but it was definitely bigger than mine. One large living room, two smaller rooms, a big, American style kitchen, separate toilet and bathroom, a wardrobe room and washroom.
"Didn’t you say that you won’t have a bigger one then mine?" I asked curiously.
He shrugged. "Yes, but I saw this one and I liked it. Besides, I don’t plan to move in alone…"
That shocked me. He found someone without me knowing it? But how…? I couldn’t say anything except gaping.
He looked at me smiling warmly then took mercy on me. "How does it sound? Want to move in with me? Like we live now, only more comfortable."
Suddenly as his words begun to get a sense within my confused mind I felt the emptiness slowly replaced with a feeling indescribable at that time. I nodded slowly and was rewarded with his widening smile.
"I have one condition though!" I said knowing that it won’t earn his appreciation. "We have something to talk about first." I didn’t have to emphasize what I was speaking about. He nodded slowly, the smile disappeared, but he remained calm and I knew this time he would cooperate.
"Let’s go home first!" I said and he let out an affirming growl.
We ordered take-out not wanting to waste time on cooking. We had dinner then did the dishes in silence only with the most needed exchange of words. After he didn’t find anything to do - I let him occupy himself with minor activities, knowing that he needs some time to think and he will eventually come to me when he is ready - he sat down on the couch next to me. He was nervous I could tell that from his body language.
He didn’t speak a word on his own; he waited for me to ask first.
"So, you really managed to change, after all I was wrong about you…" I started.
"Not really" his voice was muffled. "I couldn’t change my feelings towards you." He looked me in the eyes. "It is only fair for you to know, I don’t want to lie to you, so I am sorry, but I cannot stop loving you." He sniffled a little uncomfortably. "In fact these nearly four months with you only increased it more. So I don’t know if I would be able to continue without you anymore…"
"That was honest… And for that I also have to tell you, that I consider you as my best friend and I really liked to be with you as friends. But love…"
He shook his head. "You don’t have to. I don’t want something from you that you are not able or willing to give on your own. I understand that that time you only said… that you could try to love me back because you felt sorry for me."
"Of course I felt that! Normally you feel sorry for someone in this situation, even more if you l… are friends with that someone." I stammered out. Somehow it didn’t feel right to say that word: 'love' in this context. "But now I know that you are strong and I don’t have to worry anymore about that you would… harm yourself. Do I?"
He glanced at me steadily. "I don’t intend to." He said finally. " I will try not to. Even if you don’t want to stay with me, if you find someone to love…"
’Most unlikely’ I thought and maybe said it out loud because his gaze became puzzled. I shook my head. "Not important." I muttered half audibly. "But I want to know something I couldn’t figure out since you left my apartment that morning so hurriedly. Mind if I ask you?" He didn’t answer only stared at me in confusion. So I felt authorized to ask. "Why did you do that? I mean I offered you something, you wanted _that_ badly, and instead of accepting it or should I say after it seemed you were accepting it, you got mad at me and then you didn’t speak with me for a week."
"What do you want to know?" he paled noticeably.
"Just what did you think by that? I mean, I’m sorry if I was too direct that time, it’s just…"
"I hurt you, didn’t I?" He shook his head and I noticed tears in the corners of his eyes. "Whatever I tried, I always ended up hurting you; making you hate me the more," he said.
I took a deep breath but wasn’t able to say anything not insulting "Baka!" I exclaimed after a minute silence. "Why do you think I hated you? I never have…"
"However, I just couldn’t let _that_ happen. I know my body is dirty. I didn’t want you to become like me, despicable, stained… All because of me…"
He was sobbing miserably and couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. I shifted myself to sit next to him and embraced his shoulders trying to comfort him. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know he had such ideas about himself and suspected the hand of his father in it. "Don’t you think, I can decide what I want to become? But that aside, I don’t think you’re dirty. In fact, you were always too… pure for the dirty things you were confronted with. You have to accept what you are because you cannot change that you are attracted to men instead of women. And only a few narrow-minded people would despise you because of that. Unfortunately your father is one of them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that all people are the same."
"But… but I dirtied myself even more. I let strangers use me like I used them to be able to feel something akin love. But it wasn’t love and I knew that. That’s why I am dirty."
I felt anger rising in my chest. "No, you feel dirty because you want to pity yourself. But it doesn’t lead anywhere. Don’t you see? That isn’t a way to go!"
He tensed. His sobs abruptly stopped and I sensed his fury building up in him. "What do you know?!" He jerked out of my grip and stood before me. I saw his body trembling with tension. "How could you understand? You never have been rejected by anyone! You weren’t living your life knowing that you could be happy with that someone if things were just a little bit different! You weren’t ever contemplating on throwing away anything for that matter! No, you don’t have any right to lecture me!"
At the end he yelled, tears dampened his cheeks and I knew I hit the wrong button. Even so, he had to be confronted with that and better he hears it from me as from someone else. I knew he didn’t thought thru his words but they hurt me nonetheless. I should have been stopped him but I was engrossed with that, so I didn’t. I only observed him getting his shoes and his jacket and wasn’t willing to hold him back.
"Fine, go!" I shouted after he left and I knew he could hear it. Then I went to the door he left open and closed it.
I sit on my couch for an eternity, contemplating. I didn’t know what I should do. The feelings of hurt didn’t last long after my rational part of mind convinced me that he didn’t know what he was speaking about and that he only said it because he was upset and angry and he didn’t want to hurt me deliberately.
There I sat for hours already, then I begun to worry about him. What he would feel like? What he would do like in this confused state of mind? I hoped he wouldn’t resort to the first stranger he saw in an alley for some comfort. No, I had to trust him, I told so to myself. But he was awful late and I didn’t know where he could go for the night. I pondered about calling Waya and Isumi if not for anything else but a friendly, encouraging discussion.
Just in that moment the phone rang and I ran to pick it up. It was him. From the noises of cars and crowd I presumed that he was calling from a public phone booth somewhere in the city.
"I am sorry…" he said and sounded so. "You were right and I was selfish again. Can I come home?"
"You better hurry! I worried out my mind!" I heard myself saying and I couldn’t suppress a sigh of subsiding tension.
"I will be there in half an hour or so. It’s late. You don’t have to wait for me."
"But I want to. So don’t you go wandering!"
He laughed softly and promised not to. We didn’t speak more.
I waited. The half hour passed. Then another twenty minutes. Then I was waiting for an hour and he still was nowhere. I was pacing to and fro in my living room and didn’t dare to think about the cause of him being late. I picked up the receiver and dialed his cell-phone number, immediately I heard the ringing tone from his briefcase. I cursed.
Then my own cell-pone rang and when I picked up, I heard a neat, female voice inquiring my name. When I identified myself as Shindo Hikaru she formally told me that a man with the documents of Touya Akira has been delivered into ##### Hospital and I was the person to inform given on his insurance card.
To be continued soon…
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Author’s note: About the other half of the chapter: sorry again, that I left it there but now I have approximately outlined ideas for the next chapters. I think there will be two and maybe an epilogue. But if you have some too, they are welcomed. I would also appreciate some grammar correction ’cause at some parts I am not certain I wrote it correctly. If you don’t understand something LET ME KNOW! This is only the alpha version anyway.
The ##### Hospital is a random place, it has no further importance, so you can replace the name with what you would like. The cause I didn’t is that I don’t know Japan at all. So I also don’t know if people there carry identification documents with them and if yes then what kind. Also, I suck when it comes to Go. It isn’t a game widely known in my country. Last time I downloaded a tutoring program but it’s Dutch and I don’t speak Dutch either, so I cannot read the tutoring part. ^_^‘