InuYasha Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction / Crossover Fan Fiction ❯ Wolves in Designer Clothing ❯ Carnage at the Orange Julius! ( Chapter 10 )

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Chapter 10: Carnage at the Orange Julius!

by Raven Dhancer

Buyo was taking a break from carnage underneath a Orange Julius display when the new cat Evil sauntered by. Surely such a sleek and elegant cat would never look at him, but no! Instead she saw him, purred and came over to share his space. A few sniffs and she lowered her chin to the carpet and brached her front legs raising her hind in a way to drive any breathing tom wild! Buyo lept aboard with a vegnance! Evil's sholder braced against a stand leg and Buyo's catly thrust shook the stand dislodging a pile of plastic oranges. Evil, her head cocked to one side watch them tumble through the air and - satisfied, Buyo wandered off to groom himself.

Evil watched the oranges complete their arc to the ground and roll over the floor. Hairballs! she thought, why does even my fantasy sex suck?

Buyo wandered back under the stand. He was feeling ready for more. Evil glared. "All right, you stupid pup," she said as she assumed the position again, "but this time you damn well better not-" Satisfied, Buyo went off to chase a plastic orange.

Evil howled! Son-of-a-goddamn-crap-on-a-short-stick!

Buyo wandered back under the stand. He was feeling ready for more again. Evil decided it was time to live up to her name or she was going to be here all freakin night! She assumed the position, then moved left, pivoting on her chin but moving her hindquarters. Buyo moved left. Evil moved left again. Buyo moved left again. Evil moved left a third time. Buyo moved left and Evil rammed backwards, pinning Buyo's ass between the ramen stand and her ass. "Now" she snarled, "you are going to stay there until I am goddamn done!"

Buyo wailed and rolled his orbs. He wasn't a very bright cat, and he didn't understand why lady cats were always so mad at him. Maybe when she calms down, he thought, I could - Satisfied, Evil wandered off.

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

As Jii-Chan approached the tree, he saw a small camp-fire burning nearby. Jaken had taken off the dress, made a little pile and set fire to it with his staff of two heads. Now he was squatting quietly by and warming himself.

When he saw Jii-Chan, his orbs widened and he blurted “I'm sorry! I can't have sex with you! I'm already in a stable abusive relationship! It's not that I don't find being pawed by elderly priests attractive, I was raised Catholic after all, it's just, you know...” he trailed off. Jii-Chan didn't seem either aroused or mad.

“We've got to talk" said Jii-Chan. "I'm really sorry,” he said quietly. “I've been horrible to you.”

“Oh jeez.” said Jaken, “That's OK - I'm used to it.”

They sat quietly for a bit. “You didn't really have to burn the dress.”

“You said to. Anyway you really wouldn't have wanted it back and it didn't really fit.”

There was another long silence. Then Jii-Chan said “Do you really think Face In the Frost is a great book?”

“Sure!” replied Jaken. He paused. “I actually met Michael Scott once, you know. He summoned me.”

“Really? Prospero's teacher?”

“Sure! I used to be pretty puissant back in the day. Summoned all the time. He summoned me to ask about a portent.”

Jii-Chan groaned. “Don't tell me! You said something about camping equipment, didn't you. Then he got mad.”

“Yes! How ever did you know?” Jaken marveled “Oh well, I expect it's all recorded somewhere. You would have read about it. I said it was often the tent-pegs that were the trouble, and he said I was a wee puissant, or something and sent me back. It's funny how often when you meet a famous person, they aren't ever so impressive in real life.”

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

Heartened by Jii-chan's words, Kagome raced back to the food court, “Naraku, prepare to get your ass, or whatever you call the place where all your tentacles join up, purified. So what if I'm a bit promiscuous? That so-called Kikyou you are trying to reanimate was created through darkest sorcery, a vampire living on stolen souls and she had miko powers.

“You go, girl!” cried Asmodeus in a way that avoided being fey because it was said in a voice like a sub-woofer, the kind of voice that sets a girl's parts to throbbing. He could give Barry White lessons. Eri's legs turned to ramen but Kagome just blew him a kiss then in the same gesture focused all her power through that little pink orb.

It didn't sizzle. There wasn't time. Naraku just disintegrated into a foul dust redolent of smell of tubs from the back of the refrigerator, leaving a battered Onigumo. Still a tad stressed, Kagome walked up to the human waste and kicked him in the pup-berries a few times.

At this point, Asmodeus was forced to close the Orange Julius because no one was going to drink crap that tasted like putrified demon. He stomped Onigumo a few times, too; the district manager was going to be all hard ass with him.

“So, I've never met someone like you before. Are you a demon?”

o 0 o O o 0 o o 0 o O o 0 o

They were on their third round of strategy at the Ramen Cloak. In addition to half price drinks, the bar was running something called a Jeri Ryan special. You bought seven drinks and got two free.

"Harry told me about you two after that mission against those strange aliens, the ones you won't discuss." Louisa said a little unclearly, sucking her noodle.

"Now, Louisa, some of that is classified…”

"Harry said their true names couldn't be spoken aloud." Louisa continued, ignoring him, "I never understood that."

"Oh, that's because their names are all swear words and fart noises!" O'Nessey chimed in. "Harry's awfully repressed really. Do you remember that ambassador, Alastair? You were going around for weeks practicing the pronunciation!"

"Yes ... I can still do it, too" mused Alastair. Absentmindedly he demonstrated.

Louisa colored. A passerby entering the bar abruptly whirled 180 degrees and walked out.

"I thought that was what you called the dog when he messed in the house."

"No that's different" Alastair demonstrated. The waitress dropped a tray.

“You're enjoying this aren't you” said Louisa reproachfully.

“Ambassador's wife?” guessed the Doctor.

“Head coach of their champion soccer squad.” Alastair replied a bit tipsily. “You follow the reds, I follow the blarpph” The bartender threw down a towel and started to come out from behind the bar.

"Probably our cue to leave." Louisa murmured, "Well, it's a relief to have that explained. For a while, I thought you had Tourette's!”

As they left, she asked “What do you suppose the ambassador says to his dog-thing?"

Alastair gave it a thought. “Haven't the slightest, `Bad Doggie-thing' probably” he answered lamely.

TBC