InuYasha Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Silent Regrets ❯ Chapter 3

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Silent Regrets

Author: Ryukotsusei

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and Yu Yu Hakusho belong to their respective owners. As much as I wish I could claim a part of it, I cannot. The plot however and any OC's my twisted mind happens to come up with though is mine.

Summary: IY/YYH It's strange how regret can make you think, two people take a journey to discover what's really important. Pairing: Hiei/Kagome

Hiei walked over to Kagome, taking her up on her silent invitation to join him. Neither were concerned about how inappropriate it was that she had a male in her room, truthfully that was the farthest thing from their minds. He had often watched over her during times like this, either from the tree or on the rare occasions that he allowed himself the comfort of being inside. His gaze rested on her as he leaned against the wall, taking note of how the faint moonlight washed over her. Her expression was almost wistful, as if she were longing for something that would always be out of reach. He crossed his arms as he contemplated her, it would certainly explain the question she voiced downstairs when she believed she was alone. "Something bothers you. What is it?"

Kagome stared into his eyes for several long moments before tearing her gaze away. She smiled briefly but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. Even in that instant thought Hiei did not miss the pain that came with it. The silence dragged out between them and she knew that she would have to get this off her chest soon. Hiei was by no means patient when it came to getting to the bottom of things, it was just so hard to put what she wanted to say into words. Her hand went to the glass, the chill that seeped into her skin seemed to steady her nerves. Funny how whenever he was so close his presence was both reassuring and unnerving at the same time. "I've been having dreams lately. I just... I don't know what I should do about them."

Hiei's eyes narrowed slightly, tensing when the statement left her lips. He'd seen the affects of some of her dreams, brought about by past events. Some he was certain were even influenced by the jewel yet there was nothing he could do about them. Had this come from any other person he would have scoffed, brushing it off as unimportant but she was different. If the nightmares were returning then it could cause complications. If there was even the slightest chance, then he would seek the counsel of someone who would know how to better deal with them. "Dreams?"

Her eyes found his again, her expression searching his as she latched on to the faintest hint of concern in his voice. No matter how small it was, it gave her hope. "You know for the longest time I was afraid to go to sleep, not wanting to see what was waiting for me once I began to dream. I don't know what changed, what made them go away but eventually they began to fade. They've come back but they are different this time, yet still a part of me can't help but wish they'd have never come back." She turned her head as a tear made its way down her cheek, not wanting him to see it. She had no doubts he would still pick up on it, but if she could keep the pretense up of being fine he wouldn't have to acknowledge the fact that she was crying.

Hiei knew exactly what it was she was attempting to do and kept his silence on her show of weakness as he usually did. He could tell her what had changed to make them go away before, in truth he was surprised she hadn't figured it out for herself. She had said before his presence brought her comfort in some strange fashion, this time was no different. Once he had realized that the dreams tended to stay away when he was near he had made it a point to remain close by while she was asleep so hearing this now came as a slight surprise to him. It would have to be something that was extremely important to her in order to begin again, something that needed attention whether it be from him or someone else. “So what's changed?”

"In my dreams my family is alive. They seem so happy to be together, as if nothing had ever happened. Even my father is there and he died when I was six. It makes me realize everything that I've lost and I know that it is something I can't get back. In these dreams, I try to join them and it's like I'm not even there. They refuse to acknowledge me at all, as if I don't exist." She sighed heavily, her chest tightening painfully. Why was it so hard to tell him about this? "It feels... like I no longer belong. Not there, not here. I wonder what the point is.” She looked up at him, her eyes burning with a fierce light. She needed him to tell her she was needed, that someone wanted her. That she was more than just a reincarnated priestess with a destructive artifact to guard. “Why am I here Hiei? Is it just for the jewel or is there another reason? Some days I wish I could just give up. Pretty pathetic of me huh?”

Hiei stared at her for several long moments, knowing that there was something she wanted to say but was refraining from mentioning it. She was looking for validation of her existence but what could he tell her that she didn't already know? He had a hard enough time reasoning away his own existence, only knowing that he had the will to survive regardless of not knowing the reasons why. Her expression hadn't wavered as she waited for his answer, for a moment he was at a loss as for what to say. He couldn't tell her she was pathetic for her thoughts, not when his own were so very similar at times. "All humans have a desire to belong and your families passing has removed something that is essential to you. It is to be expected that you would feel this way." His hand came up and grasped her chin firmly, forcing her to look into his eyes and willing her to accept what he would say next. He didn't want to even think about how it would affect him if she took the cowards way out as he had attempted to do so many years before. The thought was completely unacceptable, if she were to seek death he would be certain to have Koenma bring her back and then she would not want to face his wrath when she returned. "Your family is not ready for you to join them yet, that is why they do not acknowledge you. You must find what you seek here, among the living."

Her hand came up and touched his wrist briefly before he pulled back. That bitter smile fell into place once more, she should have expected that. It was rare that he accepted physical contact unless he was the one to initiate it. This time would be no different. She turned to stare out the window again while she chose her words carefully. She knew he was worried she'd do something stupid like try to end her life, just by what he had said to her. She had thought about it, briefly before deciding it would be of no use. Her duty as Guardian to the jewel was not over yet, assuming she succeeded she doubted the Shikon would allow her to remain dead and if it did there was still Koenma to consider. Should she survive somehow she knew that she wouldn't be able to stand the way the others would treat her afterwards. No, she wouldn't die. Not yet anyway, death would find her sooner or later but it wouldn't be under those circumstances. "You don't have to worry Hiei, I'm not going to slit my wrists or anything like that. I don't know what to do anymore though. You say find it here, but how? I don't have the energy to look anymore and I'm tired of being a burden to you and everyone else. If I knew there was someone out there that needed... no... wanted the same thing that I do it would be easier I think."

Hiei crossed his arms once again as he contemplated her words. If only she realized that they were much the same in their desires, the difference was he would not act on it. He couldn't bring himself to take that step and risk the friendship that they had built. Disappointment had become a permanent fixture in his life, as long as he kept things as they were then he would not have to face the eventual fact that all things fall apart. He didn't want to face the day that she would leave him like everyone else had. Be it through death or otherwise. If he didn't get attached, he couldn't be hurt. Unfortunately he knew that excuse was weak at best, he would hurt regardless when the time came. He just would not voice the affection he carried for her, not until that day came to pass. "I cannot tell you what course of action to take. Only you can decide that for yourself and you know I am not the best of choices to answer your questions. These desires you have are foreign to me, though I can recognize them I cannot empathize with you. For that you would need to speak to Kurama."

The hope that had been building within her died as his words washed over her. If there was one thing she was positive about Hiei it was that he would be straightforward. He pulled no punches when it came to telling people how he felt, even though she had yet to see him express affection for anyone. If he said that he felt nothing, she would have to believe it. There was no point in trying to believe otherwise, she couldn't keep deluding herself into believe there was something there when there wasn't. Another tear made its way down her cheek but she brushed it away, steeling herself to her crumbling emotions. She wouldn't cry, not now, not in front of him. He would ask questions that she couldn't answer and she didn't want to spend her last minutes with him fighting. Once she was certain she had a firm hold on her emotions she stood and took a step towards him.

He was surprised when she came closer but shock still wrapped itself around him as her arms encircled his waist, pulling him away from the wall. He didn't fight her though, waiting to see exactly why she was holding on to him as if her world had just fallen to pieces. Slowly he returned the embrace and held her as she rested her head on his chest. He allowed himself a moment to savor the experience, knowing that there weren't many instances where he would have the chance to do this again. "Kagome?"

Her arms tightened around him when he said her name, the one word holding several questions but none she could answer. She had to put an end to this before she completely broke down. Reluctantly she drew back from him, hesitating as she felt the slight resistance in his arms as she pulled away. 'No! I can't think like this any longer! He doesn't want me!' She pulled back a respectful distance, regretting that she had hugged him. It just made it all that harder to let her dreams go knowing how right it felt to be in his arms. She gave him a tired smile as she sat down on her bed. "It's getting late. Perhaps you should go, I've got errands to run tomorrow and need to get an early start."

Hiei looked at her suspiciously, they had spent many nights in each others company. Sometimes just talking, other times just enjoying the silence of the night. Tonight should have been no different. "You have never told me to leave before. Why now?" He took a step towards her even as he could see her walls going up. Whatever the problem was she wanted to keep it to herself. The thought bothered him greatly but he wasn't about to try forcing the answers out of her. He respected her too much for that.

Kagome grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders. It was a poor substitute for the warmth that Hiei gave off when she touched him but it was the best she was going to get. "I didn't mean it like that Hiei. I'm just... I'm tired and I know you don't want to deal with my silly insecurities any longer. If you want to stay you can. I just figured you'd have something else you'd rather be doing, that's all." She watched him carefully, waiting to see if he was going to question her further but he didn't seeming to accept her explanation though he didn't look entirely convinced.

He was positive she was hiding something from him and he made the decision that he wasn't going to leave her alone, at least not tonight. He stared out the window watching the snow fall. Though the weather was inconsequential it gave him an excuse should anyone inquire about his presence there. "It is going to storm and I have nothing that requires my immediate attention. I will stay." He watched as she situated herself under the covers before turning and walking towards the bedroom door. Her voice stopped him as his hand touched it.

"Thank you Hiei.. For everything."

He nodded slightly, knowing she could still see him in the dim light. Whether she realized it or not, he'd do anything in his power to ensure her happiness much like Yukina. If being there to listen was all she needed, he would listen to her without judgment no matter how trivial it seemed at the time. She would figure out what she needed, one way or another.

As the door closed behind him Kagome closed her eyes tightly, allowing the tears to finally come. Turning over she pressed her face into the pillow allowing it to muffle her sobs. She couldn't stay here any longer, it hurt to much to even consider. Tomorrow she'd put her affairs in order and say her goodbyes before going through the well one final time. After that, she didn't know what she would do. Questions would surely be asked as to why she had returned. She had to wonder if she'd even be welcomed. The others had moved on, going on with their lives and even though it hurt to admit she was no longer a part of them. What would she do once she got there?

The villagers would accept her in their midst even with her distinct lack of training in her miko abilities, she was certain of that. Beyond that? She didn't know. Kaede could probably assist in training her and then one day she might be able to assume the role of village priestess. She wouldn't consider the life of a normal villager which would mean a husband and children. Having loved and lost twice she wasn't going to expose herself a third time. Briefly the thought of moving to Sango's village crossed her mind before she dismissed it. She would be useless there, they had no need for a miko and being there would be endangering her friends once more with the presence of the jewel. Their lives had been hard enough already, she wouldn't be the one to add more to it. She had made up her mind but she was no closer to the answers she needed than when she first started out.

Downstairs Hiei scowled as he looked up at the ceiling. He could hear her crying, muffled as it was and he didn't know what to do about it. For the third time he stood, intent on going up there and demanding she tell him what was wrong but as he reached the first stair he stopped. This went above and beyond not knowing where she stood with her life he was certain but she wouldn't let him in. He was surprised he had gotten as much out of her as he did before she closed off and now she didn't even want him there, having all but told him to leave the room. Was it because she didn't want him to see her cry, thinking he'd call her weak? The thought irritated him, he hadn't given her a reason to believe he'd react to her in such a fashion. The others, perhaps yes but he had always made it a point to watch what how he reacted to her. So was this outburst caused by him for some other reason? Once again he cursed himself, believing that somehow he had upset her with what he had said. He wasn't any good at emotional bullshit, she knew this and yet came to him anyway. Why couldn't he be as gifted with insight as Kurama was? It would have made things so much easier for the both of them.

Pulling himself away from the stairs yet again he went to the window and stared outside. True to what he had told her, the snow had begun to come down hard and it was almost as if it were reflecting the turbulent emotions running so rampant through the house. For a while he was able to lose himself in watching the harsh winds blowing outside, only realizing some time later that the sounds of her crying had stopped. Was she finally asleep? He sighed, knowing this was probably just one more night added to the list that she had cried herself to sleep and once more he felt useless. He stood and stretched, frowning as he noticed how the temperature in the house had fallen despite the heat being on. Even if the cold wouldn't affect him it would certainly affect her as the night wore on. The last thing they needed was for her to get sick on top of being depressed. He walked over to the thermostat, nudging the temperature up slightly before heading up the stairs.

He opened the door quietly, making sure not to wake her. The room was only slightly warmer than the downstairs was, if the temperature continued to fall she wouldn't remain asleep long. He walked over to the bed and gazed down at her, his hand brushing back the hair that covered her face. An occasional tear still escaped as she slept on, her thoughts continuing to trouble her. She seemed to realize he was there though, even subconsciously. She moved closer to him, her grip on the pillow tightening as if she were afraid to let it go.

He hesitated, indecision gripping him as he stared down at her. He hated the way she affected him, the scent of her tears causing an ache in his chest. Could he allow himself to get even closer to her than he already had? If he took that crucial step he somehow knew that things would never be the same between them. He would be risking everything, including the detachment that he had fought so hard for. As she shifted closer once again he sighed and made up his mind. Quietly he kicked off his boots before sitting down on the bed next to her. 'If I don't do this she'll freeze in the chill.' It was an excuse and he knew it but he still latched onto it as he made himself comfortable next to her. It didn't take long before she abandoned the pillow in favor of holding onto him instead. He'd give her this comfort and ignore the feelings that threatened to overwhelm him. He shouldn't be there and he knew it but now that he had made the decision he had no intentions of moving. Not yet anyway, he'd be gone by morning and she'd never know he was there but for now he could enjoy being with her and pretend that this was more than an illusion.